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The week had sucked. Nothing was going right, she was puking her guts up at random times, her brother was pissed at her for god knows what, she was tired and to top it all off Kris was busy.
The straw that broke the camel’s back though had been Eric cornering her after the morning skate. She had puked, they were doing drills and it took all her willpower to get to the trash she knew was just off the ice before she couldn’t hold it.
“ YOU IRRESPONSIBLE TWIT! STOP COMING TO PRACTICE HUNGOVER AND PUKING!” He started before getting deadly quiet “ Fix it or I will go to mom.”
It didn’t make her mad like normal, worse it made her cry. Her brother was already out of the room before she started crying. That was it, she hadn’t drank in weeks, wasn’t sick. Maybe she was dying, or at least had mono or cancer or something. That would make sense.
Before Jordy could get her tears to stop the goalie tandem happened to walk by, which seem to be exactly how lucky she was going to be this week. As soon as Eddie noticed her tears the female goalie walked over and wrapped her arms out the distraught forward. Ward followed behind at a more sedate pace.
“I thought Eric was going to talk to you…. or is that why you are crying? Do I need to hurt him? Not like IR hurt him but you hurt Jordy hurt? I mean I have had to do it in the past for Tanya… He is kind of stupid when it comes to women…” Ward said in a soft voice.
Through her tears Jordy managed a watery laugh. “No, I will just tell Tanya. She will put him on child duty our next off day.”
Ward shook his head and let out a low chuckle “Well, if that doesn’t work…” He trailed off, the offer to hurt her brother unsaid.
“I will show him Swedish way to respect women, There is a reason the vikings thought we had witchcraft.” She says sniffling. Her sympathy crying was entertaining most days, today it just grated on Jordy’s nerves.
“Trainers. I gotta..” She says and gestures before quickly disentangling herself with Eddie and rushing down the hall, ignoring them calling after her.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The blood work was taken but it wasn’t enough, she was still messing up. Maybe she shouldn’t have tried so hard to make the NHL, maybe she wasn’t good enough. It would prove Eric right, he hadn’t been lying when he had called her irresponsible.
The trainer and the doctor had said maybe she was pushing herself too far. Low iron could cause a lot of her symptoms, but so could being pregnant. It hadn’t been too long ago that she and Kris had been together for more than a few hours. She couldn’t remember if they had been careful, all she really remembered was how rushed they were, how nice to felt to be with Kris.
Jordy’s phone vibrated on the bathroom counter but she ignored it probably someone else telling her how irresponsible she was. Splashing water on her face, she lets out a shaky breath. Just once, that is all it would take. No one noticed in juniors, they wouldn’t notice now and if they did she could always play it off. She did basically skate on knives for a living.
Opening the small drawer under the sink she pulled out one of the many razors she had. Taking them apart of the easy part, with her hand strength one quick twist and it was in pieces in her hand.
The tears started to run down her face, her anger gone now. Regret and sadness taking its place. Regret for her dumb choices, her irresponsible nature. She wasn’t enough, wasn’t good enough, wasn’t smart enough. Eric had told her numerous times since she made the NHL how she wasn’t playing to her potential. ‘You could be as good as Syd if you put your mind to it.’
A sense of calm radiated from her ribs, relief. She could be good at this, she could hide this, history had proven that she could.
Her phone vibrated again, surprising her out of her trance. 2 messages from Jo. Swiping her phone open Jordy read them, a twisted smile gracing her features.
‘watching game tape. faking the goalie during the power play. Genius move.’
‘tell me how you did it you bitch. lol’
“Wouldn’t you like to know.” She send back before walking back to her bedroom. She would feel better after sleep. 3 days until she knew what was wrong.
3 long days she had to deal with Eric’s disapproving looks whenever she starting looking green. Skinny was always watching them out of the corner of his eye, watching her brother and her interaction.
Another practice, another shitty game, another loss, another power-play she had not managed to score on. The overwhelming feeling of failure consuming her without Eric’s annoyed eyes burning holes into her back. Ward purposely bumps into her on his way out. “keep your head up missy, he would have missed too.” her disbelief must have shown on her face because he smiles and put his finger to his head “Goalie powers, I just know. Crappy angle, he kind of sucks at them.” He says with a smile before walking off.
Her ribs ached all the time, a dull throb as sweat rolled down her side during practice. a dull throb she wanted more of, that she needed more of.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
2 days later she had been sent home from practice after puking 3 times in the span of an hour. Eric had even had the balls to corner her on her way out and hiss that he was telling mom she was drinking too much that night and would be telling the coaching staff as soon as he was done with practice.
As soon as she got home though she felt fine and that made her feel like it was all in her head. Eric words repeated over and over “Irresponsible little twit.” The blades were still in her bathroom, calling to her. No one had noticed, she had placed them so they were always covered by her bra. no one would notice if she did more.
A dull throb filled her with with a sense of relief, the feeling of failure ebbing, until she looked down at her ribs. She had gone to far and hiding them was going to be a challenge to hide. Her phone ringing pulled her out of her concerns. Recognizing the number she answered. The results were back but they wanted her in person to tell her. It must have been worse than they thought.
It probably wasn’t safe for her to be driving, her mind was so preoccupied. She was nervous and scared. She wanted to call Kris but he was in practice, wouldn’t get her message until afterwards and with how her voice was shaking he would probably think the worst.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
How she got to the arena in one piece was purely luck. Sitting in her truck she saw a few of the other players walking out to their vehicles and she had to take a few deep breaths before opening her door and pray the worry didn’t show on her face.
As she is walking in Skinner is walking out and literally stops in place the moment he see her face and opens his arms for a hug. As much as she didn’t want to she went directly to him and gave him a hug.
“Hey, it’s okay. I don’t know what is going on but you look worried and if there is one thing growing up with 4 sisters taught me is that you all make things so much worse than they actually are.” He soothes rubbing small circles on her back.
Jordy lets out a giggle that turns into a sob. “test results..” she manages to get out. Skinner continues to rub her back until her sobs die down enough for her to pull back from him, rubbing at her face. “Sorry. I just… yeah” she says before letting out a soft hiss as his hand draw across her ribs.
He lets the hiss go for now knowing she has more pressing issues on her mind. “Do you want me to stay? You really don’t look like you should be driving and you said test results and... “ he trails off really not feeling comfortable knowing that she drive herself in this state.
Jordy takes a deep breath and nods. “Why not? I really shouldn’t be driving…” She says before slowly continuing her walk to the trainers. Skinner following behind at a slower place.
Jordy knocks quietly on the door for the trainers room, a nervous smile on her face. “Jordy! So happy you could come. Didn’t mean to scare you on the phone, you look like i might have scared you…” He asks, a concerned look on his face. “Yeah, just a bit..” She says sitting down slowly.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Jordy opened the door of the trainers room in a haze, a small stack of paperwork in her hand and walks towards the locker room completely unaware of her surroundings. She knew, the coaches knew and now she had to tell anyone else she wants to know. Long term IR. Fuck!
Jordy is pulled from her trance as Peter's’ door opened and her brother walked out, an annoyed look on his face, unaware she was in the hall. “She sometimes just doesn’t know when to stop she is too stubborn for her own good, I always told her women weren’t suppose to be in the NHL and she made it just to spite me.” He says with conviction.
This is nothing new to Jordy, he had always talked about how women should never have been allowed in the NHL, tried to convince her to stop trying, he didn’t even try to congratulate her after she was drafted. Hearing it now though pisses her off.
“FUCK YOU ERIC!” She yells surprising him. “FUCK YOU AND YOUR STUPID OPINIONS! You may be a Stanley cup champion but so the fuck am I! I have more points this season than you and I hold my own on this team, just like any of the guys. And you know what? this so called slump I am having? not only have I scored more points than you but I have also been growing a human being! Have you been doing that or do you just suck? So you can fuck right off with your sexist opinions and not talk to me, hell don’t even look at me until you realize how stupid you are being!” She says with a huff before continuing to the locker room and sitting down heavily in her stall.
Skinner sits down next to her with a quiet laugh. “Congratulations on both things?” he says kind of hesitantly. Jordy looks at him kind of confused “Both things?” She asks.
“Um, yeah. Well, first of all telling your brother off finally. I think we have all been waiting for that. And, if I heard correctly the baby?” He asks.
“Oh, FUCK! I am. Damn.” She says putting her head in her hands. Skinner rubs circles in her back as her breathing starts to speed up. “Shit I have to call mom before Eric does. and the dad… fuck!” Sitting up she manages to catch her bra on her new cuts and this time Jeff can’t ignore it.
“Jordy, what is going on with your ribs, you have been favoring them for days… I have seen the scars before. And I know you probably don’t want to talk to me, but you need to talk to someone. Erica, she you know struggled a lot in college and I saw her scars when we were all together for the holidays. We talked about it not long ago. I can give you the number of an NHL-er that would be helpful. She is… a good person to talk to. I don’t know if you are but….”
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Jeff does end up texting his NHL friend.
“Hey Jo. Skinner, Can I give one of my teammates your number to talk about the cutting thing? They really need someone right now.”