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It had taken time, over a decade in fact, but Logan did eventually make his way back into the X-men’s life. Not as much as they would have liked, but enough to satisfy both sides. Logan couldn’t bring himself to live at the mansion or take up his old teaching position; it would have been too strong a reminder of his previous life. Instead, he talked them into letting him teach a survival class. He spent his time showing the kids things like how to clean wounds and build shelters in the woods. Valuable skills that he hoped they would never need to use but could save their young lives if the worst should come to pass like it had in his timeline. It helped soothe some of his worries knowing that if they needed to run the kids would be able to fend for themselves. It felt good to be useful in a way he never felt like he was in his old reality.
Things were nice. Comfortable. At least most days. There were still times when the past was too strong and Logan would flee from familiar halls that were stained red with blood and flames in his mind and run back to the safety of the new life he had built separate from his past self.
Wade was always understanding on the days when Logan showed up unannounced, chest heaving and wound up so tightly that the wrong word would make him snap. The merc would be ready with a stupid quip about something completely unrelated to the situation, a pair of open arms, and sometimes even a rare bout of silence. When those moments happened, Logan would press himself close to the other man’s chest and listen to his steady breath and heartbeat. The beat of a heart that couldn’t die. It was something that brought Logan comfort on bad days knowing that no matter how badly he might mess up, there was someone out there who couldn’t be taken from him like everyone in his previous life had.
That was why when Logan had received a call from a concerned Scott Summers asking him to “please come to the mansion and talk to your boyfriend before he hurts himself,” his initial response was confusion rather than concern. It was no secret that the X-men and Deadpool shared a mutual disdain for one another. Wade was at best tolerated around the mansion since he was ‘Mr. Howett’s boyfriend and occasional teaching aid.’ At least that was how Hank introduced him to the students when the gossip about his relationship status got too big to ignore. Apparently the kids were divided on if the reason for Deadpool’s semi-regular visits were because he was secretly dating Wolverine or Colossus.
Wade’s trips to the mansion usually involved either being a prop for Logan’s medical lessons or to trade foreign films with Yukio. But Logan wasn’t teaching today and he knew for a fact that Yukio had given Wade a stack of Japanese horror movies just a few days ago. So Logan called Dopinder for a ride and did his best to puzzle out what could have compelled Wade to go to the school without him.
~~
Scott was waiting for him at the entrance. He greeted Logan by saying, “Deadpool’s back in the medical wing” and starting down the hallway. Logan fell into step behind him.
“He’s not hurt.” It was a statement not a question. Both men knew that.
“No, but he’s been arguing with anyone with even a hint of biology knowledge for the last three hours. Poor Hank’s at the end of his rope.”
That was odd. Wade was not a fan of the man. It was a combination of his natural distrust of doctors coupled with the fact that Hank was ‘allergic to fun.’ To be fair; Hank was not a fan of Deadpool’s line of work or the fact that Wade spent half a year calling Hank his ‘big Blueberry Muffin’ as a joke. “Those two can’t stand each other. Why’s Wade bothering him?”
They were near enough that Logan could hear Wade’s familiar voice from inside one of the examination rooms. He couldn’t make out what was being said, but Logan knew Wade’s voice well enough to notice it sounded frustrated.
“I’ll let him tell you.” Scott said with a sigh as the door opened and Logan was greeted with the sight of Wade wildly gesturing over a table covered in an assortment of medical papers.
“Logie Bear!” Wade happily yelled as soon as he saw Logan. “Thank Thor you’re here! Maybe you can talk some sense into all these nerds.” He then hopped up onto the table as he made a sweeping motion towards the half dozen or so doctors and teachers glaring at him.
“You wanna explain why you’re here first?”
“Oh,” Wade’s posture stiffened ever so slightly at the question. “Yeah.” A pause. “That.”
“I was hanging with Vanessa,” Wade began, “and you know I can’t be around her and not want to make sweet sweet love.” There was another pause as Wade took a theatrically deep breath before continuing at an increasingly more manic pace. “But then Vanessa says she’s not ready for round two just yet and starts talking about some hip issues she’s got joking around saying things like; ‘well we can’t all be young and sexy forever’ and I’m like, ‘what?’ Then she’s like, ‘Babe, you haven’t aged since you got your powers.’ And I’m like, ‘bullshit. It’s just hard to tell because of my boyish charm and discount Freddy Krueger face.’ But then Vanessa looks me dead in the eyes and says, ‘do you really think I don’t know what an aging dick looks like?’ and then I’m like, ‘fuuuuck.’ And then-”
“Skip to the fucking point before I stab you.”
“Fine. I figure maybe it’s worth getting a professional opinion, so I came here to ask Grumpy Bear over there,” Wade jerks his head towards a very resigned looking Hank, “if he can take a peek and tell me that everything’s fine and I’m totally aging like a normal person should. But then,” Hank lets out a deep sigh from his corner of the room, “then Fuzzy Wuzzy comes back telling me that actually no, I’m not just incredibly good looking for my age. Apparently my body decided to hit the pause button on mortality and didn’t fucking tell me!”
Fuck. He’d assumed that Wade had known what his regenerative powers meant. He knew Logan was ‘old as fuck’ because of his own mutations. Despite differences in the process, both powers had essentially the same results. This was not a conversation he knew how to have with Wade. He’d been mentally planning his talk with Laura for over a year now and still had no clue what to say to her. Wade was the one who did the talking, not Logan.
“Why are there so many goddamn doctors here anyway?” Wade continued rambling, oblivious to Logan’s own mental dilemma. “What? It’s a fair question!I know it’s a ritzy place, but not every teacher here needs a PH fucking D in physiology and neuroscience to teach art class!”
“You’re getting off topic.”
Wade gave Logan a halfhearted glare as he crossed his arms. “The point is; this place is full of doctors and professors and scientists but all of them keep fucking misdiagnosing me. I feel like a Victorian woman being diagnosed with hysteria by her male doctors!”
“Just because you don’t like the diagnosis doesn’t make it wrong, Bub.” Logan responded hoping it would be best to rip the metaphorical bandage off. It was a choice he instantly regretted when Wade’s breath hitched and his posture somehow became more rigid than it already was.
“Oh nonononono, snookums. I know for a fact that they’re wrong! I can’t be immortal! Because if I’m immortal then that means that I’ll have to watch…that Vanessa will… everyone’s going to-” Wade couldn’t bring himself to finish the sentence. His breath kept catching as he scanned the room with wide, frantic eyes darting from one pitying face to the next unable to focus on anything.
It was at this point that Scott, ever so helpful but unfortunately terrible at reading the room, cautiously said, “Wade, you need to calm down.”
“I just got told that I’m going to watch everyone I love wither and die! Don’t you dare tell me to calm down!” Wade made an attempt to get off the table and get in Scott’s face, but his legs refused to support him. Logan managed to catch the man before he hit the floor.
“Hey, focus on me.” Logan moved them so both men were sitting on the floor. He took Wade’s hand and gently placed it on his chest. Logan ignored the brief flash of concern that Wade didn’t make a single dirty comment about tits as he locked eyes with Logan like he was the only thing keeping him from drowning. Logan took a deep, slow breath before continuing. “Deep breaths. You’re having a panic attack.”
Wade let out a single sharp bark of laughter. “‘M allowed a panic attack! As a treat.”
“Sure.” Logan replied knowing Wade’s mouth was running more on autopilot than anything else. He took another long breath. “Just breathe with me while you have your ‘treat.’”
It took a bit, but Wade did eventually manage to match Logan’s breathing pattern. His shoulders became ever so slightly less tense and his heartbeat started making an attempt at slowing down. Logan waited another minute before gathering his thoughts and finally trying to talk to Wade.
“You weren’t this upset when Althea died.” Wade had been sad of course. They both were. But that was an ‘I’m going to miss that crazy old bitch’ type of sad, not the panic attack inducing type of sad Wade was experiencing now. Wade let out a sad little chuckle and shifted his way into Logan’s lap. Logan wrapped him up in a hug as he waited for Wade’s response.
It took longer than normal, but Wade did eventually speak up. “Yeah, but Al was a coke fiend that was there when Washington crossed the Delaware! I would have been insulted if she outlived me! It’s different when it’s Vanessa or Dopinder or even- fuck! I’m going to outlive Yukio and Ellie! They’re kids , Wolvie! I’ve known them since they were fresh out of diapers and they’re going to die before me! ”
Logan was pretty sure that last part was a lie but didn’t think it was worth calling him out on it right now. He just gave a sympathetic hum as he rubbed circles on the other man’s back.
“So what, does this mean I just have to watch everyone I love shrivel up and die? I can’t sit there holding Cyclops’ hand as he dies! My bedside manner sucks!”
Scott’s response of, “I don’t want you to do that” was ignored as Wade kept on talking.
“And what happens when I go out? What if I’m at the grocery store picking up cereal and some lady pulls up next to me with a stroller? I’m going to take one look at her kid and think ‘you’re going to be a corpse one day.’”
“I do the grocery shopping.” Logan stated.
“That’s not the point, Peanut.” Wade responded with a huff. “How do you live like this?”
Logan had asked himself that question many times over the past 200 years. Truthfully, he still didn’t have an answer. All he was able to offer was what he’d been forced to do every time he had to bury another friend. “You love ‘em when they're here and remember ‘em when they’re gone.”
“That’s a horrible answer.”
It really was but it was all Logan had to give. “Got no other choice.”
The room fell into silence as Wade took in the answer. Eventually he responded by burying his head in Logan’s shoulder and mummering, “I hate being alone.”
Logan felt his heart break. Wade had never sounded so small. His heart broke again a moment later when he felt something wet on his shirt. Wade was crying . Wade never cried, especially not in front of a room full of people. But here he was, clinging to Logan as he silently sobbed into his shoulder.
“You’re not going to be alone.” Logan said as he pulled Wade closer, feeling protective and useless. He wished there was something more he could do to shield him. Logan was so much better at protecting with his claws than he was with his words. But he had to try. For Wade. “You’ve got me. Me and Laura.”
The head on his shoulder shifted slightly so red rimmed eyes could look up at Logan. “Gender swapped Wolvie’s immortal?”
“She’s got my powers so yeah. Probably.”
“Probably?”
“It’s a bit too early to tell for sure, but I’d put good money on you being stuck with the both of us. Two people is a hell of a lot better than none. Trust me.”
“What happens when you get sick of me?”
“We’re not going to get sick of you.” Deadpool responded with an unconvinced hum. “If that was going to happen, it would have happened the first year we met. Face it, Bub. You’re stuck with me.”
They stayed on the floor like that for a few more moments until Wade seemed to remember that this was not a private conversation. Logan could feel the other man tense in embarrassment before gently pulling away and clearing his throat.
“Oh shit,” His voice had shifted again, closer to Wade’s usual tone. “I’m going to have to start fucking grandmas if I wanna have age appropriate sex.”
“Haven’t I heard you talk about how Bea Arthur could get it hundreds of times?”
“Bea Arthur was and is fucking irreplaceable and don’t you forget it!” A pause. “I guess it could be worse. I’m halfway there anyway.”
Logan could tell by the way that Wade ended that sentence that he was waiting for a reaction so he could drop a bad joke at someone’s expense. On another day, Logan would have ignored the bait leaving Wade adorably flustered as he was forced to either beg for a response or blurt out the rest of the joke before the moment passed. But today was not a normal day and this was the closest to a normal conversation that Wade had had in hours. So instead he asked, “How are you halfway there already?”
“I’m already fucking a grandpa.”
“Do you want to walk home?” Logan asked as he got back on his feet.
Wade let out a dramatic gasp. “I am emotionally vulnerable right now! You wouldn’t dare…actually you’re a dick of course you would.” He then reached up like a toddler making grabby hands. “Ride please.”
With a sigh, Logan held out a hand for the other man to take. “Come on, Bub. I think you’ve embarrassed yourself enough for one day.”
“You and I both know that’s a lie.” Wade replied as he took the offered hand and promptly pasted himself to Logan’s side. He murmured something about making sure the X-men got their ‘annual dose of soap opera drama’ while steadfastly avoiding everyone’s eyes as the pair made their way back out of the mansion.
Logan took in the wrinkles on Jean’s face and the ever increasing amount of grey in Scott’s hair as he nodded at them on the way out. Even Beast was showing his age with increasingly large glasses and fur that was dulling the way a dog’s does as it ages. He was surprised to find it didn’t upset him. Instead, Logan simply thought that they wore their years well.
One day Logan would sit Wade down and explain to him that someone having a peaceful death was a blessing. That a life well lived was marked by age lines and memories that would stay with you long after the other has passed away. Logan had seen enough violent ends to understand and appreciate the ones that ended surrounded by friends and family. Those deaths still pained him, but it was a good pain.
One day they would have that conversation, but not today. It wasn’t what Wade needed right now. Instead, Logan let the merc pick a bike from the garage to steal (he’d return it eventually) and drove them back home in silence. He ignored the way Wade wrapped his arms around Logan just a little tighter than necessary and the occasional sob that was cut off before it could escape. They made their way back into their apartment holding hands. Wade spent the rest of the day and the ones after practically glued to Logan’s side, seeking out that reassuring physical contact. Any separation would have Wade anxiously fiddling with his hands while he waited for the chance to cling to Logan again.
And Logan let him cling. Let himself be an anchor for Wade. If the man that had saved his life in a shitty dive bar all those years ago needed saving now; Logan was more than willing to help. If Logan were being honest with himself, he got just as much comfort from the contact; perhaps even more than Wade. It was a reminder that the other was real and here and staying no matter what happened. Immortality had meant isolation for so long that Logan had nearly forgotten how it felt to have someone by his side that he knew wouldn’t leave him.
Logan made a mental vow that no matter what might happen to them in the future that Wade would never need to feel the same crushing loneliness that he had felt for over a century. He’d make sure Wade knew that he was wanted and needed. He’d be there for Wade on the good days where Wade would joke about the injustice of being denied senior discounts even though they both qualified and he would be there on the bad days. Days where Deadpool would pick fights or take jobs he had no reason taking other than they were dangerous enough to offer him the hope of dying. Those days would end in swearing and shouting from both men with at least one of them in tears by the end of it. But Logan would do his best to ensure the good days outnumbered the bad and that nothing was said that couldn’t be unsaid later.
Eternity was a long time but at least they didn’t need to face it alone.