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Jay never really was that much into shopping.
Sure, he enjoyed wandering in thrift shops from time to time. In fact, the idea of accidentally finding something great was the most appealing aspect of the whole shopping thing. But this could be easily achieved by taking a walk in a junkyard. If he had had the choice, he would never have put a foot in this mall.
But well, here he was, walking behind Lloyd and Zane in the biggest mall of Ninjago City.
"Hurry up guys!" pressed Lloyd. "Nya said half past three. It's already forty-five!"
It was supposed to be their day off. A great idea, after weeks of restless fighting. Jay originally planned on spending the entire afternoon reading comics, but his fun was cut short at lunch when Kai told them that they should absolutely go see the new shopping area at the mall. Plus, they all needed new clothes, according to him. Nya jumped on the occasion to say that she really wanted to try the bubble tea place that opened a week ago. Her eyes sparkled at the thought. And, just like that, all of Jay's plans shattered in pieces. If it made Nya happy, he could do it.
And here he was. In the mall. Half running to keep up with Lloyd and Zane's pace.
It's not that he hated going to the mall. It's just that if he had the choice, he would prefer not to. The place was buzzing with people, even though it was a Thursday afternoon. A sea of faces, walking ever so slowly, chatting, bright phone in hand, bag full, kids running, parents yelling, steps on the grey floor, water fountains splashing; someone almost bumping into him, people beeping at the exit of the store, small excuses, exhausted mom, a boy eyeing a fast-food restaurant, a group, chatters, chatters, chatters, a bright light, beep, beep, hello, goodbye, beep, bright light, please mom, another group. Jay walks a bit faster to adjust to his friends' pace, scratching his neck and readjusting his collar. Splash, laughter, chatter, buzz, buzz, phone ringing, chatter.
An unsettling feeling started to sit in his stomach. Like air, emptying him from the inside. Someone bumped into him. Then he barely avoided a shopping cart. Then a kid ran right in front of his feet. He gritted his teeth. Why were people so stupid and inconsiderate as soon as they found themselves in a public place? Another bump. He whipped his head around and met the eyes of a grandma who blatantly chose to ignore him. What the...
"Here you are! Finally! We thought you got lost!"
Nya's voice snapped him out of his thoughts. She was all smile, dressed in her blue jeans and her leather jacket. She had left early with Kai to 'just window-shop a bit'. The bags in their hand indicated that they had abandoned the window part.
Jay smiled at her and scratched his nape. He wanted to wear a hoodie today. One of Cole's, which are so big and soft. But it was too hot outside for that, so he was stuck with one of his old shirt. He could not help but feel like he was smelling like sweat, and the tag he apparently forgot to cut off was rubbing on his skin.
"Sorry, we got distracted," said Zane. "Jay found the train aisle."
All the eyes turned to him and FSM, he did NOT need that right now. Did they expect him to say something? His tag really was becoming an issue. And the noise. The chatter around. Why was this place so freaking noisy? Why were people here on a Thursday and not home? Or at work? Did not they have anything better to do?
Apparently the others already started to talk about something else. A knot started to form in his throat. Great. He could barely follow what his friends were doing or saying. And apparently they did not care? No one even glanced at him while they were apparently debating on what to drink. Jay just stared at the floor. He wanted to close his eyes so bad. The lights were so harsh. But he did not want to be weird. His friends were really excited about this mall thing. It was their first day off in weeks, if not months! Why could not he just enjoy it like the others? Why did he have to get all upset like this? And over what? Some light, a loud crowd, an irritating tag, and his friends being so happy they forgot to include him in a conversation he is not even trying to engage with?
For FSM's sake, get your shit together.
But he could not. The weird feeling in his stomach refused to leave. His throat felt tight.
"What do you take, Jay?" asked Kai.
He shrugged. "I don't know, whatever."
He had sounded more harsh than he intended to. It was visible in the way Kai frowned.
"Ok, chill dude, no need to get aggressive."
"I'm not aggressive. I just want this thing to be done," he replied a bit too quickly. Shit, wrong thing to say. Cole frowned too.
"What, you don't want to be there?"
No, no he did not. He wanted to be home, in his bed, in a comfy hoodie, with comics and hot chocolate. But he could not, he could not and it made his nose tingle and oh no. Not that. He swallowed the tears away. It hurt his throat.
"I...". But he could not say anything. Because what was there to say? Please can we get out? Can I ruin this thing because my head hurts and my stomach feels weird because people are annoying? Can you cut off my tag so I can breathe without feeling like peeling my skin off? Can we dim the lights? Go to a quiet place? Not touch anything but my bed for the next ten hours? His throat was feeling really tight.
"If you don't want to be there, just go home Jay. This is supposed to be fun, so if you can't get out of your bad mood I don't know, maybe go do something that will make you cheer up a bit."
Jay blinked at Cole's words. He swallowed again, but the tears kept building up.
"For real Jay. You should just have said you did not want to come. We don't have to do everything in group."
But I wanted to come! he wanted to scream. I wanted to have fun with you! I just can't, apparently, because it would be too easy if I could!
All the attention was making it worse. He loved his friends, but he really wanted to slap them. Could not they see that until now they were not the problem? Why did they have to get all worked up about his tone when he did not even intend to sound like that? Why did they have to make it more complicated? All he wanted was to get his bubble tea and get the fuck out of this place. And the people kept chatting, and screaming, and talking in their phones as if they were all alone, and the kids were running, and the water fountains were splashing, and the beeps were beeping and the weird feeling in his stomach was climbing to his throat and he just wanted to get out of this place or immolate himself or just fall on the floor put his hands on his ears close his eyes and cry.
But he could not just do that. He could not.
"Are you ok, Jay?" asked Zane.
"Yes I'm ok thank you," he replied through gritted teeth. Zane is a freaking nindroid, he should see that he was not ok. Or maybe it was all in his head, once again, and Zane could not see anything wrong about him. "You're right. I'm gonna go. Bye."
That's as much as he could utter before he managed to get in motion and started to speed walk toward the exit. He did not look back. He only heard Kai sigh "ok mister moody" as he left and it was the last straw. As soon as he was out of sight, the tears started streaming down his face. He looked down, not wanting people to see him, and got out as the sobs were getting more intense. He could not get into the bus like that. The headache was making his eyes heavy. He just wanted to lie down. Why did he have to do so many things to be back home. He wished he could teleport. He dragged himself to the bus stop, trying to calm himself down. When he saw that the bus was arriving in only two minutes, he cried a bit of relief. Luckily, he was alone at the stop. He thought back of his friends' disappointed face. Were they mad? Did he ruin the whole day because of his antics?
The bus arrived. The driver barely looked at him. He had to stand. His tears had dried. His legs were so heavy. FSM he could not wait to be home. He just had to make it home then it will be ok. Then he could rest.
Someone's phone rang loudly. Jay winced. He fumbled in his pocket to find his earphones. The very idea of having something in his ears was repulsing at the moment, but the man started to be very loud and the doors of the bus made a terrible noise when they opened andhestillhadtenstopstogoand
He took a deep breathe. He was going to make it.
He turned his music on. He closed his eyes. He wished he had water but he forgot his bottle at home. Home. His bed. And no one around. Clean air. The music was not on the right frequency. It was too loud and high. His head felt too busy, too messy, as if the sound added to the impression of having his skull being smashed by a hammer. He switched for another playlist. Still not it. Another one. No. Another album. Now... now that was nice.
The bus stopped abruptly and he almost fell on an old lady. He didn't want to touch the bars. The very idea of wrapping his fingers around one made him feel dizzy. A kid started to yell in front of him. The quick movements of the child made him close his eyes. He was seeing too much. When he opened them again, it was as if he were in one of those VR games. He was too aware of seeing, everything was too bright and saturated. It felt like the world was both too fast and too slow. The gestures and moving mouths and silenced laughs and passing landscapes and sudden turns and red lights turning to green made him want to rip his eyes off his head. FSM he wished he could just. die. right now. Or just. cease to exist. Just so he would not have to be the mere receptacle of all those things happening around him. He felt like a piñata in the middle of a room, surrounded by noise and colors, getting beaten, helpless, awaiting to be ripped open. The kid started kicking around. The urge to strangle him and throw him out of the bus' window was strong. Just. Shut the fuck up. What were the parents doing?
The bus stopped again and somehow he recognized his stop, raising his head just in time for his eyes to meet the familiar noodle shop that was next to it. He stumbled out of the vehicle and shivered. Why was it cold like that? He wanted water. He could not wait to take his pants off.
Only fifteen minutes left, he thought. Damn, even his thoughts seemed too loud, which made them the most non-comforting thing ever. He wished he could walk with his eyes closed. The earbuds were starting to bother him, as they added too much pressure inside his ears. FSM, he really couldn't have anything, could he?
As soon as he arrived in his room, he closed his door, fell to the floor and started sobbing relentlessly. He could not do it anymore. A wave of exhaustion hit him with full strength. The room was dark. He just wanted to stay on the floor. He managed to get his bag off his shoulders and feebly threw it out of his way. The feeling of his clothes and shoes was less unbearable now that he was inside, but he still needed to get them off. But first, he needed to get some energy back. His whole body ached, and his head was throbbing. More tears came, and he could not stop them from falling. He hugged his knees tightly. He needed to make himself as small as possible. He blindly reached for Mr Cuddlewhomp, who was hiding under his blanket in the bed on his right. He grabbed him and immediately took him to his chest before burying his nose in him and closing his eyes. Inhale. Exhale. The familiar scent was comforting.
He stayed like that five, maybe ten minutes.
The world went a bit more quiet.
He finally opened his eyes again. The room was still dark. The chill hadn't left his body. He stretched his arms and neck then reached for his shoes. Slowly, he took one off. Then the second. His hands then unbuckled his belt and he got rid of his pants. Same for his t-shirt. In his underwear only, he rose from the floor - clothes carelessly dispatched in the middle of the room - and reached for his bed. He crashed into it heavily, as if the weight of the entire universe was resting on his back. He took his pajamas and put them on gently. He grabbed the bottle of water that was on his nightstand and drank half of it in a long sip. Then he just buried himself under his blanket, hiding his closed eyes with the soft fabric, Mr Cuddlewhomp in his arms, his ears covered by the noise-cancelling headphones he kept by his bed.
**
“I hope Jay is ok”, worried Cole.
Nya shook her head. “He really seemed off earlier”.
“Guess he is just in a bad mood. Maybe didn’t get enough sleep or I don’t know”, added Kai, shrugging.
“Yeah maybe”, mumbled Nya. But she did not quite believe it. There was this thing in Jay’s eyes, this thing that she saw so many times. A glint of impatient annoyance mixed with hurt and anger. It always happened randomly. And each time he managed to disappear before she got to talk to him. And then when he came back, everything was – or looked – fine. Just like what happened an hour ago. He always had been like that. Avoidant when it came to discussing the fact that maybe, just maybe, he was not doing well. So avoidant that one could miss it. Miss the way that he always talked but never about how he was feeling. At first, Nya didn’t really realized it. But in the last year she became more and more aware of Jay’s behavior. And it frustrated her. Oh yes. Sometimes she wished she could shake the truth out of him. Why did he not trust them enough to tell them how he was feeling? They all did, even had long nights sharing pieces of their soul as they were sipping tea in their pajamas. But Jay. Jay never did. Hiding behind a fake carelessness, the blue ninja never let anything slip.
“Maybe I should go home see how he feels. When he left, his heartbeat was abnormally high.”
Nya turned to face Zane.
“What?”
“I said I should go home…”
“No, sorry, the heartbeat part.”
“According to my history, when Jay was talking to us earlier he might have not felt well. His heartbeat was high and he seemed anxious and frustrated, while there was no immediate danger whatsoever that might have caused this reaction. I was about to ask him why when he decided to leave, and then it was too late.”
“But why didn’t you tell us?” exclaimed Cole.
Zane frowned. “It concerns Jay. He usually does not like to talk about his feelings. I thought that I should talk to him in private instead of discussing his anxieties with you behind his back. Which I guess I just did. I am going to head home to see how he is doing. I should not have let him go alone.”
“I’m coming with you”, they all said in unison.
They all looked at each other.
“Maybe it’s not a good idea to all storm in the monastery if he’s not feeling well”, remarked Lloyd. “Zane, you should go. The four of us are gonna stay here. We still need to pass by the mech shop for the pieces Pixal needs. You keep us updated, and if needed we come back home directly. Is it ok with everyone?”
Nya hesitated. She really wished she could go home. She’d been worried for Jay for the last sixty minutes. But it also would be selfish of her to join Zane, because what Lloyd just said made sense. Maybe Jay did not need to see her. Zane would be able to see what was going on with him and provide him some comfort. And considering how little Jay seemed to be willing to share his struggles with her, maybe Zane would be a better option. She just was not good enough at this. Otherwise Jay would feel more comfortable.
She nodded, a lump in her throat.
**
Ten minutes later, Zane was in front of Jay’s bedroom. He had decided to create his elemental dragon to be faster, and he did not regret it. Slowly, to make sure not to startle his friend, he raised his hand and knocked softly on the door.
At first, there was no answer. So Zane spoke quietly.
“Jay? It’s Zane. May I come in?”
Still nothing. Was he sleeping? It seemed unlikely: Jay always failed to nap in the afternoon. He knocked again and opened the door slightly. The room was dark and quiet.
The blue ninja was in his bed, an arm on his eyes, and noise-cancelling headphone at the foot of the bed.
“Jay?” Zane walked quietly towards the bed and grabbed the headphones. “I think it fell from your bed.”
“They hurt too much,” mumbled his friend. “Too much pressure on my head.”
Zane was starting to guess what it was all about. He put the headphones on the cluttered desk and closed the door to prevent light from coming inside. Then he sat next to Jay’s bed.
“Do you want me to stay? Or should I leave you alone?”
After a short silence, Jay put his arm away from his face. “Stay. Please. It’s not working anyway.”
“What is ‘not working’?”
“It’s just, I… I don’t know how to explain that. Doesn’t make sense. S’stupid anyway.”
Zane remained silent, knowing that it would push his friend to say more. He was not wrong.
“It’s just… everything is so out of place. So loud. And bright. It doesn’t even feel real. I’m… I’m seeing too much. I wish I could just, I don’t know, find a way to cancel everything. Like diving in a pool. But without the sensation of being surrounded by water. I don’t know how to explain, I’m sorry.”
“On the contrary, you are doing a very good job at explaining. When did this feeling arrive?”
Jay winced. Zane realized that the ninja’s eyes were filled with tears.
“The mall? Even tho I felt already a bit off this morning. I guess I just didn’t get enough sleep. I don’t know. It just happens sometimes. I don’t know why. And usually I manage to do something about it. I put the headphone, or play music, or take deep breaths, or sit in the dark and/or quiet for a bit and things become… less suffocating.”
“Suffocating?”
Jay was sitting now.
“Um, yeah. Like, less threatening. And less irritating. Because when I have one of those, I don’t know, outbursts, it just feels like everything is too much and I cannot breath. It becomes almost painful. And I become dizzy and angry at everything and, I don’t know. I just feel like falling to the floor and curl into a ball and just die there. And I don’t, I can’t do that, because that’s not what people do, and it takes just so much energy to just… keep going. And then I run out of energy and I cannot do anything anymore. And if I still do things, it just takes energy out of my future reserve, I don’t know how to explain that. As if I was in a video game. And when I start the day I’m at 72% of my energy level. Then I do stuff. And the lights are too bright and I try to talk while there are annoying noises in the background. And I lose energy. And sometimes I am at zero percent, and I still have to do things. So then I am at minus twelve percent, and it will be complicated to recharge the battery. That’s what I try to do: recharge. And sometimes I don’t have time or can’t recharge properly and it just makes everything so difficult for nothing. I’m sorry.”
Zane frowned. “What are you sorry for?”
Jay purposely avoided his glance.
“I should not burden you with all this shit. And I ruined the whole day with my antics. And now I’m just here, crying and talking nonsense.”
“It’s not nonsense, Jay. It seems that you have been describing a sensory overload. It’s very common for neurodivergent people to experience them. I am the one who is sorry for not realizing sooner that you may have trouble with that.”
Now this got Jay to look at him.
“What are you talking about? Neuro-what?”
“Neurodivergent. People whose brain function differently. For example, people with ADHD. Or, autistic people, like you.”
“What do you mean like you”, asked Jay, bewildered.
Oh. Zane felt stupid. Jay didn’t know? It seemed so obvious and Jay seemed to embrace it so much that it never occurred to Zane that the blue ninja might not know.
“I have autism? What? Since when? How do you know that? What the… why did you not talk to me about this?!”
“I am extremely sorry Jay, I thought you knew. I thought it was common knowledge and people just didn’t address it. Otherwise, I would have asked you about it. But if felt unsensible, since you never brought it up.”
Jay frowned. “But, is it a bad thing? Like, is there something wrong with me?”
“No, absolutely not! It just means that your brain functions differently.”
“And you think that what I was telling you about is linked to… autism, apparently?”
Zane shook his head. “It is better to speak with a professional about it, since I am in no authority to diagnose you. But it would make sense.”
Jay started staring into the void in front of him.
“So it’s a normal thing. What did you call it?”
“Autism?”
“No, the ‘outbursts” I tried to describe. The percentage of energy.”
“Ah! A sensory overload. And it’s actually quite common for neurodivergent people to experience this kind of ‘percentage of energy’ you speak of. Some call that the “spoon theory”. I will send you information about that if you want.”
Jay let out a relieved sigh and started crying immediately. Zane offered him a hug that the blue ninja accepted immediate.
“Thank you so much Zane. FSM, you don’t know how much it just… is. So I’m not throwing tantrums. I’m not broken or something. It just… happens. And it’s ok. It’s not something I can help. And it’s ok.”
“Yes exactly. And if you are struggling with things like that, you need to know that me and the others are always there to help. We won’t judge you. I actually think everyone would be relieved if you just talked to them when you need to.”
Jay broke the embrace to dab his eyes with his sleeve.
“It’s just… I need to do some research first. And I need to understand things. Because I’ve been feeling left out from life my entire existence and… I think you just started to uncover why is that. I never thought that… I don’t know. I knew that autism was a thing but I didn’t think it was… like that.”
“TV shows are really bad at depicting it,” explained Zane. “If your entire impression of autism is based on representation, then no wonder you didn’t even thought about being autistic.”
“Yeah,” muttered Jay.
Zane hugged him again. They stayed like that for a bit. Then following Zane’s advice, Jay took a shower and put on some comfy clothes. When the other ninjas came back home, they asked no questions, only saw Zane’s little nod and Jay’s smile and that’s all they had to know - for now, at least.
That evening they had a movie night. Jay got to choose the movie – a Fritz Donnegan one, of course. They got popcorn, pizza, and Jay got a Bubble Tea that Nya took for him. He gave her a rapid kiss on the cheek, and she leaned her head on his shoulder.
The day was far from ruined.