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Jay never really thought himself as the addicted type. It wasn’t like he actively avoided all addiction, but mostly that he just wasn’t built for it.
The first time he smoked was in college, when everyone was still out filming Marble hornets. He’d been curious about what made Tim want to smoke so much, Jay couldn’t remember a time the dark haired man didn’t have a cigarette on him.
He had stolen a cigarette from a pack that Tim had left by accident at his apartment. It was the whole marble hornets crew, including Brian which almost never happened. They had been working well into the night, by working that mostly meant they stayed up talking and joking. This was way before it all went to shit of course, before the tall crypted chose to ruin their lives. He hadn’t told Tim about the cigarette then, he doesn’t think he ever will, it didn’t matter now. Back then Tim would have yelled at Jay for being stupid and demanded some sort of compensation. Jay wasn't sure if Tim would even care now.
Jay had later given the pack back, relieved when Tim didn’t ask about the one that had gone missing. The cigarette stayed in Jay's nightstand for a while, he had actually kinda forgotten about it. That was until one fateful night when Jay had been on the verge of snapping that he turned to it.
Alex and him had gotten in a pretty bad fight, things seemed to have been getting worse and worse with Alex’s behavior, creating fight after fight in the small apartment. It was a stupid argument about Alex being an asshole to Tim and the others on set. After what felt like hours of yelling back and forth Jay yelled a finale “fuck this!” Before slamming his door shut. Alex could sleep on the couch for the night, Jay Was quite frankly pissed off and had dealt with way too much of Alex’s bullshit already, given the fact that they roomed together.
It wasn’t unheard of that Jay would go to a substitute to help cope. It used to be well known in highschool that Jay was an alcoholic at 16, showing up sometimes hungover from the night before. He learned how to cope and get Good grades somehow, so most people ignore the obvious mess that was highschool Jay Merrick.
Jay snatched the cigarette from the drawer of his nightstand, accompanied by a lighter. He went through the same motion he watched Tim do over and over. Putting the cigarette to his mouth before lighting the end, then inhaling the toxic smoke into his lungs. It burned more than he expected it to and he started to cough as it irritated his throat. His eyes watered as he continued to cough, launching the smoke out of his throat immediately.
He still tried to smoke the rest of it, and after the first couple of coughing fits it got a little easier. When the bud was too small for Jay to continue to hold he put it out on the ashtray that sat in their room. That tray was mostly for Tim when he stayed the night.
It didn’t take long for Jay to start feeling sick, at first he thought maybe it was just stress. It festered in his stomach, causing him to stumble to the bathroom where he promptly threw up in the toilet. Dizziness spread through his head, but he still forced himself to founder back to the bed. It wasn’t much of a drunk feeling as a high one, he felt fuzzy and all around just lost. It wasn’t the nicest feeling ever, his stomach still partially wanted him dead.
He would later learn that some people can get sick because of nicotine. It wasn’t too common for just smoking one but it’s definitely wasn’t unheard of. Jay had told himself that he would never try to smoke again after that day. That would turn out to be a lie because he would find himself stealing another one from Tim a couple months later. Thankfully the sickness never came back.
Still, Jay wouldn’t say he ever was addicted to Smoking. He hasn’t touched one in years, and he didn’t care to. They smelled horrible and made him want to gag every time he caught a whiff of the rancid smell.
Living hotel to hotel with Tim had made Jay kinda used to the smell now though. He would even go to the lengths to say he was okay with it, it reminded him that Tim was around, and that he wasn’t alone.
The hotel they were staying in this time was pretty cheap. It definitely looked like many murders had taken place in the bed they laid on.
The time on his phone said 2am, which wasn’t that bad given what he had to deal with. Tim was snoring softly beside him, it had been awhile since he truly saw Tim sleep peacefully. They both had issues sleeping, this horrific paranoia choked them both. The idea of Alex, or the hooded man, or that thing being right around the corner didn’t help his already shitty sleeping schedule.
His laptop’s fan buzzed as he looked through the video ToTheArk had posted a while ago that he hadn't quite figured out. While some called Jay stupid, he wasn’t all the bad with decoding things.
With a sigh and another quick glance at Tim, Jay focused back onto his laptop. The codes in all the videos either were the easiest thing he had ever broken or mind numbingly difficult to even comprehend. He was frustrated with not being able to figure out anything that night.
Maybe if he could figure out what it was saying it would be one of the pieces they needed, maybe it would lead them to actually know what to do or why this is happening. His fingers wrote down the numbers on a doc as they flashed onto the screen. At this point some of the letters were memories, it had been years since the start of this, and a lot of codes had been presented to him in that time.
2am turned to 4am quicker than he thought. Jay still sat up, looking at his laptop. He was dizzy as sleep begged him to lay down, every time he moved his head it was like slow motion. His vision was slightly blurry and focusing on anything but staying up was increasingly harder. His head started to hurt a little from trying to stay awake, a cup of coffee sat cold on the nightstand. He grabbed it and took a swig of the thick liquid despite the temperature. It was horrible because of the cold but Jay was only really worried about getting Caffeine in his body.
Frustration clouded his mind, he still hadn’t been able to break much. He alright had the first couple completely decoded at this point, but they weren't all that hard to figure out.
Regret:
12, 15, 11
L, O, K. (Add an O)
Closely.
Operator:
“Lakes in stillness will take every life of the night”
LISTEN
Deluge:
Speed up by 150%- “Alex Brian” over and over
“Alex watching you”
It had been awhile since he figured Deluge one out, he hadn’t known how to break codes like he can now and it took way too long to figure out what was hiding within the video.
Weirdly Jay kinda felt the same frustration he did back then. Rewatching so many different ToTheArk videos that had been posted ages ago that he still couldn’t piece together. He balled his hands in his hair out of anger, something in his mind screamed to rip it out.
Tonight was one of those nights where Jay just wasn’t having a good time. Tim had moved from taking up half the bed to almost covering the whole bed, leaving Jay to be half falling off the edge. He could feel Tim’s leg over his, and while normally that wouldn’t bother him, tonight it did. It felt suffocating and if it weren’t for the fact that Jay was somewhat kind he probably would have pushed Tim off by now. the blanket itched at his skin, it was scratchy from being washed over and over. Winter heavily set outside, leaked into the room sending a cold draft over him.
Jay couldn’t handle it, he slammed his laptop closed as he moved to get up. He tried to be careful not to bother Tim, but with the anger that was brewing made it difficult. He doesn’t even know why or what he is angry at. When he got off the bed he stumbled over to the fridge. It was pretty empty since they never can stay very long. A small bag of frozen chicken nuggets, deli ham, and some random off brand Soda.
There was a stash of water bottles in the back, one of them had been opened and set to the side. Jay grabbed it and twisted off the lid. Nothing was really off with it, there was no distinct smell or look that explained what was really in the bottle.
Jay would never say it outloud, you would have to kill him before he truly admitted to it, but he in some ways was an alcoholic. He tried many times in his life to kill the habit, but he normally caved in after a couple days. His dad wasn’t the bestest influence as a kid, normally handing him different alcoholic beverages to try. He somewhat resented his dad for that, maybe he wouldn’t be hiding vodka in a plastic bottle if not for the many times that he had a vodka shoved into his hands because his Dad wanted him to taste it.
He lifted the bottle to his lips and took a swig. It burned his throat and caused him to choke a little, but he pushed through. It warmed his body as it traveled down his throat. Stopping at one sip was probably the smartest decision, but when was Jay smart?
He carried the bottle over to bed, where he slowly drank about half of it. His head started to feel light as the liquid coursed through his body. Jay knew by now he was a lightweight when it came to drinking so he wasn’t sure why he kept going.
I couldn’t stop his mind from wandering to times that seemed so fake now compared to what living nightmare he walked in now.
“Jay, you’ve had less than three beers, you act like you’re fucking wasted.” Alex laughed as Jay stumbled over to the couch that the man had been lounging on.
“That’s because I ammmm!” Jay whined, flopping over the side of the couch and landing on Alex.
“Get off of me!” Alex screeched, but the smile that creeped into his voice told Jay he wasn’t truly angry.
“No, you’re comfy.” Jay mumbled, the spell of alcohol heavy on his breath.
“You are going to crush me!” Alex yelled dramatically.
“I’m a twig, you’re finee!” Jay let his head fall onto Alex’s chest. Jay was always cold anymore, the warmth of Alex was more than welcomed.
“Don’t you dare fall asleep on me! I shouldn’t have bought alcohol, never again.” Alex joked, wrapping his arms around Jay.
Jay distinctly remembers falling asleep not too long after that, peacefully laying on Alex.
“This is your fault Jay.” A gun pointed at him, Alex’s words rang through Jays head as a sting of stutters and pleads flee his mouth.
The scene buzzed in his head like a hornets nest, Angry and confused. He grabbed the bottle again, taking another gulp to hopefully numb something. Anything.
Something wet had fallen from Jay’s face, his mind was fuzzy and he couldn’t quite keep his eyes open. His body felt like it was going in slow motion, the edges of his vision blurred, nothing felt real. Jay forced himself to move to the kitchen again, the plastic water bottle crinkled as he gripped it harder. His mind wasn’t shutting off, no matter how much he drank. He felt like a mess, His face was heating up and he had to lean on the counter to be able to walk forward without falling.
His body was in a sort of auto pilot mode where nothing felt real, everything was swaying and spinning around. He took another sip of the vodka before putting his face under the sink. It cooled down the burning heat that had spread from his cheeks to his ears. his whole body felt on fire really, Jay struggled off his jacket and threw it onto the other side of the counter.
“Fuck” Jay mumbled as sickness coated his face. He felt his stomach churn as bail rose up through his throat. He threw it up into the sink as the rancid taste filled his mouth.
Jay closed his eyes as he fumbled for the knob to wash it down the sink. He wouldn’t say he had a fear of vomit but it made him uncomfortable enough that he can’t handle looking. Dizziness sways in his head making it near impossible to actually grab the knob. Jay gave up after a couple seconds and decided to leave It for the next person. Keeping his eyes closed he tried to take a step back, but failed to get his footing and tripped on his own feet before falling backward. His back hit the wall behind him, then he sank down to the ground. the little that remained in the bottle spilled onto the floor.
“Do you ever get scared?” Alex asked, a softness covered his voice.
“Of course I do Alex, you’ve seen me scared.” Jay laughed, a glass of water was set in his hand as he tried to get himself into something close to sober.
“Yes, I guess you’re right.” Alex smiled.
“What makes you ask?” Jay said, moving to the kitchen to grab Alex a cup.
“You just always seem to be going as if nothing in this world scares you.” Alex mumbled.
“Things do scare me, I mean everything scares me. Going outside, seeing people, change” Jay paused, cursing himself for speaking a little too much, he focused back onto filling the cup with water and carrying it back out to the living room.
“At least you know we won’t change.” Alex said loudly as Jay handed him a glass of water.
“Yea, I guess we do have that.” Jay sat down on the floor next to him, leaning his head onto Alex’s shoulder.
They didn’t have that. They changed so fucking much and it make Jay want to rip his skin off.
Something had moved in the other side of the room, Jay could hear shuffling but it didn’t matter at this moment. Maybe if it was Alex, Jay could convince him to be nice again. Maybe Jay could hug him one last time and plead for college years again, reminding that he promised nothing would change.
“Jay?” A voice mumbled tiredly. Jay didn’t want to answer, he wanted to let the alcohol leak through his veins and numb the things pounding at the walls of his mind.
“Jay!” The voice got louder, an urgency now twisted into its voice.
Something wet fell down his face, and his heart started to race just a little more. His hands felt a sort of numbness that was somewhat familiar but still not quite there. Jay’s breathing got shallow and part of him recognized the panic attack that was brewing but the alcohol in his blood didn’t let him really react. His head hung down as he moved his knees to his chest. Jay’s hands curled into his hair tightly, itching to rip it out again.
“Jesus Crist Jay, there you are. You gave me a fucking heart attake.” Tim grumbled as he walked into the kitchen. “What the fuck are you doing?”
Jay tried to snuff out the sob that was itching his throat, tears still fell from his eyes, he couldn’t get them to stop.
“Oh shit, you’re cry.” Tim stated like it wasn’t obvious, the man scrambled onto the floor with Jay. His eyes locked onto the bottle that was completely spilled onto the tile floor.
“Can you hear me? What happened?” Tim spoke gently, if Jay wasn’t preoccupied with a meltdown creeping down his body maybe the change would be startling.
Jay just shook his head, he didn’t want Tim to know, Tim didn’t need to deal with his feelings alongside everything else.
“Hey, it’s okay, you’re safe.” Tim’s voice sounded somewhat panicked, which probably made sense.
A hand reached up to Jay’s head, hesitantly trying to get Jay’s hands out of his hair. He hadn’t realized how tightly he started to pull at his scalp until his hands were forced away. Jay started to breathe uncontrollably, trying to get air into his lungs felt like a fruitless fight. One breath would be cut off by any other one pushing out of his lungs. Sobs were wrenched out his throat, causing his whole body to shake.
“Jay, listen to me, it will be okay. Just follow my breathing.” Tim led one of Jay's hands to his chest, Taking slow breaths in and out. Jay tried to follow it, but he couldn't even breathe out. It felt like drowning, like something had grabbed his chest and strangled his lungs.
The light shone against the water now turned red from blood. Four times, four times you watched Alex bash someone’s head in. Did that man have a family? Did they miss him?
‘Your fault!’
It wasn’t your fault, you swear, it wasn’t supposed to be like this. It was just supposed to be normal, you, Alex, Tim, and Brian, joking over scripted lines that sounded even more cheesy as times went on. It wasn’t supposed to be murder, or insane masked people, or a tall demon tangling you up into whatever shit show had hit your life.
The blood that leaked from your fingers, and seeped into the water like a disease couldn’t be real.
A pressure on his face dragged Jay back into what he can only guess was reality. Everything was foggy, his breathing still was uneven, hiccups and sobs still fled his body. His hand was pressed against Tim’s chest, Tim’s hand was shaky as it held the side of Jay's face.
Words left Times mouth but Jay couldn’t hear them. The soft rise and fall of Tim breathing was the only thing keeping Jay in reality. He let his eyes close, trying to follow it again. Four seconds in, six seconds out, slowly trying to ring his thoughts together and calm his racing thoughts.
“—ay! Jay? Come on, breath, you’re safe.” Tim frantically muttered.
Jay opened his eyes and looked at Tim, he couldn’t pin what he felt at the moment. Some Relief that he could hear and See. Something akin to guilt, looking at Tim’s face that was scared, and worried.
“There we go, you’re okay Jaybird.” Tim smiled, it felt so foren to see Tim smile, or even show this much emotion in general. Jay couldn’t force words from his mouth, panic still choked him, threatening to block his airways and throw him into another episode.
“Can you tell me a couple things you can feel right now?” Tim whispers, keeping Jay's hand on his chest.
“Th-“ Jay felt a lump form in his throat but he forced himself to speak, “floor, you, the wall behind me.”
“Good, how about the things you can hear?” Tim encouraged.
“The AC, rain, the Tv, and the clock.” Jay could feel his breathing getting more controllable, his heart rate slowing to something close to normal.
“You’re okay Jay, do you want to move off the floor?” Tim asked, some of his own panic leaving his voice.
Jay nodded, letting the man help him off the floor. He wobbled a little as he moved to the bed, Tim held his arm to make sure he didn’t sway too much.
Tim guided him into the bed, and walked back to the kitchen. Jay felt a sort of distinct numbness over his brain, his thoughts were no longer shattering his mind, nothing was really there.
His brain wandered to the past, it reminded him of Alex with a gun. Jessica screamed behind him as Alex rambled about it being his fault, and that Jessica never needed to be involved.
The thought didn’t bring him to a spiral, but more of a muted sadness that seeped into his bones. He wanted the pass back, everything felt so fake now. Ever since it all started it’s felt like he was watching his own life on TV. This felt like the first time he truly was here in years, Jay knew it wouldn’t last but he would
Try to Hold onto it while he can.
Tim walked back into the room with a glass of water, handing it to Jay and taking a seat in front him. Jay drank it to wash away the taste of bail still lingering in his mouth.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Tim asked, his voice wasn’t made for soothing but at this moment Jay hung tightly onto the sound like a lifeline.
Jay forced words to form in his mouth, “I’m sorry”
“Why? You haven’t done anything wrong.” Tim asked, something akin to confusion morphed into his voice.
Jay stayed silent, he had done so many things wrong. He had dragged everyone back into this mess by watching those tapes, he had caused Tim so much pain when his life was just starting to get better. He shared so much on the internet that didn’t need to seem. he filmed everything, every aspect of his life, maybe he was going insane. He might not be as far away from Alex as he thought.
“Hey, focus on my voice, I’m here.” Tim held onto Jay's hand, squeezing it gently. “This isn’t all your fault. Sure you can be an idiot, but given what’s happening, that’s reasonable.”
But it was, it was his fault. He knew it was his fault. He just wanted to go back to college, goof around and not worry about masked people, or demons, or dying. He couldn’t have any of that and it was his fault, and now he is stuck.
“I miss Alex.” Jay finally blurted out.
Silence fell between the two. Tim didn’t seem to know what to say and Jay couldn’t get anymore words through his lips.
“What is there to miss?” Tim questioned with a huffed laugh, it wasn’t said in a mean way, not really. But it sounded so rude. A part of Jay understood, Tim didn’t know Alex before. He had shown up only a couple months before Alex started to become an absolute bitch.
“We used to live together, we..” a lump was forming in the back of his throat, Making it hard to speak. “He was kind, we would sometimes treat ourselves with a case of beer and get as drunk as possible and just be happy together.”
Tim stayed silent, letting Jay continue if he wanted. “We stayed up most nights talking about cheesy movies and eating whatever little food was in the house. Sometimes we got so drunk that we couldn’t move from the kitchen floor.”
Tears streamed down his face unwillingly, he wanted to scream.
“He promised we wouldn’t change.” Jay felt a sort of anguish fill his voice. “That we could stay stupid college students forever. That we would have each other’s back.”
Anger took hold for a second, as he screamed “he pulled a fucking gun on me Tim! He wanted me dead! ”
His teeth clenched and he could feel himself gripping Tim’s hand harder. Anger was a venom that corrupted his veins, he tried to shove it down but at this second it’s all he could think.
“Maybe if I had gotten to him and helped him before he disappeared, or maybe is I left everyone the fuck alone non of this would have happened!” Jay felt hot tears roll down his face, he was so tired.
Tim let go of Jay’s hand, and moved closer. Arms wrapped around him tightly, pulling Jay into a tight hug. He was practically on Tim’s lap at this point.
It wasn’t uncomfy, maybe it would have been if Jay wasn’t still caught up in all his emotions, but right this second the tight hug gave him a comfort he didn’t really think he needed until now. It grounded him for a second, it made him think he was safe.
“You couldn’t have stopped this, I don’t think anyone could have. This wasn’t in our control Jay.” Tim whispered, holding onto him tighter.
Jay grabbed onto Tim’s shirt, he wanted to punch someone, something, he needed somewhere to put his emotions but there was nothing. Jay was so tired, his body felt limp and his brain had given up ages ago. The anger that once was overwhelmingly present melted away. A sob wrenched from his throat, his hands moved to cover his face. Tears poured from his eyes, he didn’t want to see what he might look like right now. Pathetic.
“We can talk more in the morning, but right now it’s 6am and we both need to sleep, check out is tomorrow. ” Tim whispered after Jay's sobs dwindled off, moving away from the hug and shuffling to the other side of the bed to give Jay some room to lay.
Jay pulled the blanket over himself, tiredness weighed over his body as his eyelids forced himself to close his eyes. Sure, Jay thought he could go all night like this, a back and forth of anger and sadness, regret or fear, but his body was so tired. It wore on him now, the emergency of a panic attack no longer kept him up.
Jay felt Tim wrap his arms around his shoulders, a lasting comfort to remind Jay that he wasn’t alone.
Tim mumbles something that Jay couldn’t understand
with sleep nagging at his brain. Exhaustion took over as sleep pulled him from reality.
The next time he opened his eyes he woke slowly, sunlight leaked into the hotel room and a look at the clock said it was about 10am. He hadn’t gotten much sleep, but it would at least keep him running. A hangover was heavily set in his body, his head pounded and the will to sleep again was almost as loud as the ringing in his ears.
Tim was still asleep, his arm wrapped around Jay’s waist. Jay didn’t want to move, it was the first time Tim had slept for more then two hours in about a week. So he didn’t, he shuffled a little to get comfy and closed his eyes again. Sleep took him greedily back into its arms.