Work Text:
Being positive is hard.
Seeing the good in the world when only so much bad makes itself known or happens is pretty hard.
A current genocide that benefits so many corporations and governments that little is done to stop it.
People you used to talk to show their true, shitty sides- just ghosting or cut you off without explanation, or become ass holes.
Watching friends you are incredibly close will struggle with their own shit, and you're so damn incompetent that you can’t help them.
Watching as governments and conservatives try to take away your rights in what is meant to be “The Land of the Free”, yet is anything but unless you’re a Cisgender Male with White Skin.
An election that is essentially “vote for one who will cause more harm and issues, and take away your rights”, or “vote for one who will cause more harm and issues, but MIGHT make things better for someone like you, buy more than likely won’t do a damn thing”
It’s all tiring.
It’s made me incredibly pessimistic and anything but hopeful- even with people saying to vote this or boycott that, or that the world will improve.
I doubt it, honestly. Even if people who are single minded spout walls of reasoning in text form and vilanize me… I just don’t fucking care anymore or see this world improving. I would LOVE to be proven wrong… but I don’t see it happening.
Everything feels so bleak- all I want to do is shut it all out and focus on what makes me happy.
Like my friends, my boyfriend, hobbies like my writing.
… but my hobbies can only do so much until I feel empty and burnt out- especially with games.
Writing I love, but with how I been mentally for the past year, it’s been a gigantic struggle to even write a hundred words in one sitting. The times I do get a burst of motivation and energy I get a good bit out, if not lots… and it happens so infrequently. I have so many ideas for stories and elements or routes I want to write and see how they play out.
… and I just have no fucking energy or willpower. It’s driving me insane.
My friends (all online) I got, but I feel more a burden to them, and when I’m not, I don’t really contribute much, aside from being there or that one person who does the same few things.
My boyfriend- I love him so god damn much, and I feel so undeserving. We live together now, I got a job that I am doing well with making a good bit for what it is saving up, and plans for an end goal.
… and I still feel so distraught.
I feel so conflicted with my views and feelings on some things. I feel I shouldn’t be intentionally ignorant with stuff in the world around me or what can and will affect me because it makes me feel better.
But I’m also so tired of worrying and obsessing over shit I have 0 control or impact over.
I’m tired of not feeling like I can’t be spiteful- even if its selfish and in the wrong… and when I am? Feels shitty.
It gets to the point even little things are setting me off badly, and those close to me are noticing and worrying- commenting on it after I double down being stubborn or bitchy in my mood. I’ll apologize, only to be told to apologize to myself.
Why?
Why should I apologize to myself?
Yes, I do like myself more than I ever have- love maybe to a degree. With how far I’ve come with personal stuff like 3 years of HRT and getting all my legal documents finally corrected, it feels great to just be myself and that’s that…
But who is myself? Who am I?
A 24 year old woman? A Trans woman? A writer? A gamer? A nerd? An anxious mess? Person with little confidence who backs down easily and cracks under pressure?
I don’t even know what I want to do with my life- career or anything… all I know is I want to be with my boyfriend and friends.
What does that make me?
Who does that make me?
Many people say you need to love yourself to be able to love others… but fuck that. I love my friends and boyfriend more than myself tenfold. They are all the reason I have not ended it yet during my lowest- the reason I am where I am now- the reason I have grown as much as I have.
The reasons I’ve cried numerous times.
The reasons I cared as much as I do.
But what about for myself? Why can’t I bring myself to apologize to myself or love myself as much as I should?
Why am I so difficult?
Why am I even typing all of this? To get it out of my head for one- it helps and I have not done it in so long.
It for sure is because I have not felt the need to with my mental state… but right now… right now feels like a good time.
Well, I feel mentally spent. I just wanna crawl into bed and cuddle with my pillows, plushies, and boyfriend now. I work early tomorrow anyways, so it’s best I do that.
Maybe, once some more time passes- more money is saved, I get that new GPU (as my current one died during all the moving and life stuff, so that’s why I’ve held off on writing the stuff I want to write), and take a chill pill while petting one of our 7 cats in the house…
I’ll be back on my feet mentally in no time.