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It’s late afternoon, and Koko’s walking Akane back home. They’d been studying in the library, like they do every week. Akane always tells him he doesn’t have to walk her home, but Koko wants to, and she lets him, so he’s doing it anyway.
So, they’re walking side by side. Silently.
Well. Akane’s quietly humming some tune that’s been stuck in Koko’s head for the past few days. And if it wasn’t Akane (or Seishu) he would’ve screamed at them to shut up minutes ago. But it is Akane, and he lets her hum in peace.
Besides, Koko’s currently more occupied with his thoughts. It feels wrong—it especially feels wrong because it’s Akane’s brother he’s thinking of—but he’s busy thinking about Seishu. About his long, pretty lashes, about his rare smile, big enough to show off his teeth, and about the way Koko’s chest feels all tingly and warm every time he sees him.
Koko’s walking beside the prettiest, nicest girl in the world, and all he can think about is her younger, even prettier brother. He’s young, just a kid, Koko knows, but he wishes he could be all grown up and do whatever he wants. But he’s just a kid, and he knows that thinking of Seishu when Akane’s right there is wrong. He has difficulties accepting how wrong it is because thinking of the curious butterflies Seishu causes in his stomach feels so right, but Koko knows it’s wrong, and unnatural, so he tries to bite it down.
Akane, he knows, is chill and fine with anything. She’d understand. Right? She’s never been a fan of Koko chasing after her, claiming she’s too old. But who else could he seek out if no one’s as pretty, nice, and perfect as Seishu? Akane’s the closest to him he’ll ever get, and he knows Seishu is impossible for him to reach, so he’s chasing after the next best thing.
Wait. No. Koko’s chasing after Akane because he likes her. A lot. Loves her, even—
No. That feels wrong.
But he likes her a whole lot. And having Akane is at least as great as having Seishu. Has to be.
,,Goodbye’’, Akane pulls him out of his thoughts.
,,Akane!’’, he starts.
She halts, turning her head.
,,I love—’’ Seishu.
He loves Seishu.
He likes Akane a damn lot, for sure, but he doesn’t love her. Not the way he loves Seishu. Seishu makes him feel warm, comfortable, and all tingly, Seishu makes butterflies flatter around in his belly, and Seishu makes him curious about everything somehow relating to him. Akane’s very pretty, and Koko enjoys spending time with her, and he doesn’t want to lose her, but whenever he thinks of himself he needs to think of Seishu to feel complete. Akane’s just... there. And he likes that a damn lot. But, as much as he wishes to, he can’t love her the way he loves Seishu.
Akane looks at him, patiently waiting. There’s a shy upwards curl on her lips, and she blinks once, twice. It reminds him of Seishu.
,,—you’’, he finally finishes. Brokenly. Barely above his breath.
Everything in Koko screams at him to correct himself, but Koko presses his nails into his balled up fist, and it’s just enough to remain silent.
,,Then I’ll wait for you to grow up’’, Akane says. Her shy smile blooms into a grin, and she even winks at him.
,,I’ll protect you, no matter what!’’, Koko adds, hoping to make his confession seem more genuine. Though Akane’s reaction already reassures him.
Akane nods, and then turns around to enter her house. She leaves Koko standing outside, all alone.
Koko’s not sure how to feel, but he can feel the tears prickling in the corners of his eyes, and he digs his nails even deeper into the flesh of his palm. This time, it’s not enough to contain himself, so he turns around, and starts running.
With Seishu at the front of his mind, somehow still before Akane, he bails.
━━━━━━━
He’s in the library again. These days, he’s taken up studying there with Seishu.
But Seishu’s gotten bored of school work early, and is currently resting on the window sill.
Koko decides he’s done with his homework for today, too, and stands up to go and get Seishu. A few steps away, he looks at his face, and he notices that Seishu’s asleep.
His heart skips a beat. Seishu looks so peaceful, so content, and free with his eyes closed, and his features soft. It’s been a while since Koko’s seen him look anything but stern or ‘expressionless’ (in reality, Seishu always looks tense, but no one not studying him every day would notice that), and it’s certainly a welcome surprise. Seishu looks strangely at peace, and Koko’s heart does a somersault before painfully landing on its back.
It’s once again clear how unhappy Seishu is with his life. The only time he truly looks content is in his sleep, and that’s something Koko still finds hard to accept.
Not that he’d be feeling any different. He throws himself head first, Akane first, into any and every opportunity to make money just to give it all away to his friends, and his ‘friends’. Koko knows that the day he’s finally made the forty million yen, he’ll finally fall asleep peacefully again. But he’s still short by multiple millions, and no matter how many pages he fills with what he’s collected so far, it’s not going to bring Akane back. Deep down, that’s something he knows. Something he’s known for a long time. But it’s something he deliberately chooses to ignore because if Akane’s dead, eventually he’s going to lose Seishu forever, and he wouldn’t even be bad at Seishu for it. But Koko knows he can’t live without Seishu. Not if he knows he’s miserable anyway. Maybe, if he knows that Seishu’s happy, if it helps him, somehow Koko can learn to live without him, and drown himself in all his money instead. But that’s a very dark, bleak future. And if he’s miserable anyway, he’d rather do it at Seishu’s side.
Seishu still looks so peaceful. It reminds Koko of his own dreams. In his favorite dreams, Akane’s alive and well, and she’s in love with him, and Koko’s full of warmth and butterflies every time he sees her, and it feels right when they kiss, and they’re both grown-ups, and married to each other. And in his wildest dreams, the most primal ones, sometimes Akane’s alive, and sometimes she’s still dead because it hardly matters since the person he’s kissing is Seishu either way. They kiss, and all the butterflies, and the warmth in his chest are real, and when Koko holds Seishu, or when Seishu holds Koko, they perfectly fit into each other’s arms. In Koko’s wildest dreams it’s just Seishu and him, kissing, hugging, breathing each other in, and never ever letting go again.
He feels incredibly guilty every time he thinks about those dreams because he should be in love with Akane. He should care about whether she’s dead or alive. And he does care. Oh, he does care. But in his most primal wants, she’s not included, and in those he doesn’t have the heart to care about anyone or anything but Seishu.
Koko walks closer, one step at a time. Once he comes to a halt in front of Seishu, his heart is beating so fast it almost jumps out of his ribcage.
,,Akane...?’’, he whispers into the blinding light. Can you see me? Can you see me as I only kiss the one I love?
And with that on his mind, Koko leans in.
It’s a quick kiss. Barely a peck. Koko’s dry lips ghost over Seishu’s soft, plump ones, and for a few seconds, that’s how he remains. For its entirety, Koko holds in his breath, and when he pulls away again, stumbling backwards, he breathes the air in like he’s starving.
━━━━━━━
Some summer evening, Seishu knocks on his window unexpectedly. They both live on the ground floor story in their respective buildings, so they’ve made it a habit to skip the doorbell and visit each other through their windows.
It’s already after dinner, and dark outside, and Koko’s supposed to be asleep. But he’s reading up on investment, and when he hears Seishu’s knocks, he immediately goes to open his window.
Seishu urges him to come outside, so Koko locks his door, and hastily gets dressed.
,,Look’’, Seishu says once they’re both outside, with Koko’s window slightly ajar. He holds up a bottle of sake, waving it around in front of Koko’s face.
,,Huh’’, leaves Koko’s lips, and he stares at the bottle with wide eyes before his gaze darts back to Seishu’s face.
,,From my mom’s stash’’, he explains like it’s something normal. ,,Thought trying it would be fun.’’
Koko, knowing all about Seishu’s mom, wants to decline. But he knows that if he’s not there with him, Seishu’ll drink anyway, and it’s probably better to keep an eye on him. He doesn’t mention that he’s had a few tiny sips of some different types of alcohol before when his father had had some in restaurants.
,,Okay’’, he ends up agreeing.
Seishu flashes him a smile. No teeth, and all strangely artificial, but Koko chooses to ignore that.
Soon enough, they’re back at Seishu’s. His parents are away for the weekend, and he’s got the flat all to himself. It’s nothing compared to the one they’d lived in before the fire; it’s all cramped and less cleanly, but it has to be enough.
Sitting at the dinner table, Koko waits for Seishu to bring shot glasses. But Seishu brings normal water glasses instead, and Koko’s last hopes for the night die down at their sight. He’s hoped that, maybe, they wouldn’t go straight to getting drunk, but alas.
Seishu pours them both a glass, and immediately downs half of his. Even before they get to clink glasses.
Koko slowly takes a sip, and tastes the alcohol for a moment instead of hastily swallowing. It’s sweet, and warm, but a bit too bitter. He takes another sip, and this time, swallows quickly.
With a scary hunger in his eyes, Seishu stares at his half empty glass. Koko’s never seen anything like it on his face, but he instinctively grabs for the bottle, and places it out of his reach.
Seishu chuckles darkly, but lets him do. He downs the rest of his glass, and then lays his head flat onto the table
Through long, pretty lashes, he blinks up at Koko, and a swarm of butterflies pool in Koko’s stomach. But he’s also afraid of this Seishu. He’s becoming incalculable. Someone Koko recognises from the outside, from his deep-rooted manners, but someone he doesn’t really know.
Koko grabs for Seishu’s hand, holds it a little too tightly, but Seishu curls his fingers around his in return.
For a while, that’s how they remain. Koko slowly empties his own glass as he keeps staring into Seishu’s pretty eyes, and Seishu looks back into his direction but right through his head, somewhere into the distance. Koko knows enough about alcohol to know that Seishu surely isn’t drunk yet. But the only other times he’s seen Seishu look like that are when he’s too caught up in his head, his thoughts, spiraling deep into a hole because of Akane’s death and his own life.
A quiet sob racks through Seishu’s body.
It catches Koko off guard. Staring so closely at him, he didn’t notice anything off. And, as tears begin streaming down Seishu’s cheeks, he realises that Seishu’d started sobbing before his tears were ready to flow.
Seishu reaches for the bottle, stretching his fingers out and wiggling them when he’s too far away. And Koko doesn’t have the heart not to push it into his direction.
Seishu pours them both another glass, and finishes his own in one swift move. Koko only takes a small sip.
Sinking back down onto the table, another sob racks through Seishu’s body, and Koko finally decides to do something. He pushes back his chair—
,,Don’t’’, Seishu mutters into his arms.
Koko holds his hand a little closer, and gently rubs circles into it with his thumb as Seishu continues crying. Eventually, he quiets down, and when the tears stop, Seishu lifts his head to look at him, all wet and snotty.
,,I love you’’, Koko whispers. Because he doesn’t know what else to say. Seishu, Koko knows, is the love of his life. Seeing him drink to forget, and remember anyway fills him with more dread than his own misery. Koko’s heart aches with so much shared pain, and guilt he feels uncomfortably alive.
,,You love Akane’’, Seishu corrects him. His words are too loud in Koko’s ears, too wrong in his heart, but Koko can’t bring himself to deny him.
,,I—’’, he starts, stops weakly.
,,Stupid drunkard’’, Seishu picks up his words, ,,I’m not her. I’m Seishu.’’
,,Yeah’’, Koko whispers back. I know . But he doesn’t have the strength or bravery to say it. He doesn’t have the strength or bravery to do anything except wishing away his, their misery, and drowning himself in acquiring money. In trying his best to be at least of some use for some people.
Seishu laughs. He snorts, then laughs louder. A sad, forced laugh, until it’s been god knows how long and his laughter starts sounding dry but oddly genuine. Koko doesn’t find anything to be funny, so he doesn’t join in on it, and Seishu’s wheezing eventually dies down.
,,She’s dead’’, Seishu says. ,,Has been for years.’’
,,Mhm’’, Koko hums.
,,I’m tired’’, Seishu says, and lays his head back onto the table. He closes his eyes. Koko’s not sure if he wants to fall asleep for the night or forever, but he’s not going to let go of his hand either way.
Even in the dark, with alcohol on his breath, and his tears and snot glistening in the low light, Seishu’s beautiful. So, so beautiful. Koko’s heart is heavy, but his chest feels warm.
He’s so in love with Seishu. And he really fucking wishes he was in love with Akane instead.
━━━━━━━
It’s christmas. Koko doesn’t want to believe in god, but during christmas, he can wish for something, and god will grant it. Right?
So, on christmas eve, Koko kneels down into the snow in front of Akane’s grave. He’s cold, and the wetness of the snow is seeping through his jeans, but all he does is lean further down. With his forehead almost touching the icy white, he folds his hands together, and starts praying.
Dear God , he thinks. He’s not brave enough to say it out loud. Not even as a whisper.
I am in love with Seishu. I know it’s wrong. I’m very sorry, and I hope You can forgive him. But, please, can you make him happy for me? That’s all I wish for. I wish for Seishu to be happy. And if it means always being out of reach, if the only way for You to make him happy is me being miserable, then so be it. Please, just put a genuine smile onto his face before the new year.
Thank You, dear God , Koko finishes, Amen .
With that, he untenses all his muscles, and sinks face first into the snow. But for a few seconds it feels almost cathartic.
When he starts running out of air, he unhappily lifts his head again, and sits up.
For a while, that’s how he remains. His eyes scan over Akane’s headstone again and again, but everything Koko can think of is Seishu. His peaceful, soft, sleeping face and his usual ‘expressionless’ but tense face flicker back and forth, until they eventually come to a stop on his daily expression, and Koko wants to cry. But the tears won’t come, no matter what he does, and it makes him feel even worse.
He can’t even cry on his first love’s grave.
He can’t do anything. Especially not for Akane. All he’s ever tried doing for her, he’s failed at. And with that on his mind, he sinks back into the freezing snow.
Koko doesn’t know what to gift Seishu because even when he asks, Seishu refuses to wish for anything. So Koko invites him for dinner the night after christmas eve, makes all his favorite foods, and puts on his favorite movie.
Seishu tries to refuse him, but Koko manages to convince him by saying he’s readied everything already.
With empty hands, Seishu turns up, but he allows Koko a tight hug lasting as long as Koko wants (which ends up being almost five minutes—as long as it takes for Koko to ready himself for separation because it’s the first time Seishu fits into his hands so perfectly and he never wants to let go again, even if he has to because Seishu doesn’t want to hold him that long) and that’s almost better than any other gift.
They don’t talk during dinner, and they hardly talk during the movie either. Koko keeps glancing over to Seishu, and eventually decides to just stare at him because he hasn’t focused on the movie at all anyway.
,,Stop staring at me’’, Seishu says after some time.
Koko turns his head away, and goes back to glancing at him through the corner of his eye. He doesn’t want to bother Seishu, of course, but he fears that if he doesn’t look at him all the time, he’s going to miss his genuine smile.
But Seishu doesn’t smile that evening, and for the rest of the year, all he does is mope around in his bed (Koko manages to get him out of it a few times, but they hardly do anything) and even if Koko thinks he’s about to smile a hundred times, he doesn’t.
Eventually, it’s the new year, and Seishu doesn’t even welcome that with a smile. So, Koko concludes, god doesn’t exist. And his love for Seishu is wrong, and bad, and miserable, and he doesn’t deserve him and never will.
━━━━━━━
Koko doesn’t mean to walk in on Shion being pressed to a wall by Mochi, arms wrapped around his neck, and hungrily kissing his lips. Really. And he truly doesn’t mean to stay and stare, either, but seeing two guys kissing each other makes him freeze up.
Only when Shion pushes Mochi away to look at Koko with wide eyes, he finally registers that he’s observing them like a creep.
,,Sorry!’’, he stammers, and stumbles backwards.
Shion continues staring back at him like a deer in head lights, so Koko hastily adds, ,,Didn’t see anything, don’t worry’’, and turns around to speed away.
On the other end of the corridor, he halts, and opts to sit down. If someone else tries coming close, he can distract them while Shion and Mochi can continue whatever they’d started before he’d accidentally interrupted them. Or, that’s at least what he tells himself is the reason he’s sitting down.
In reality, discovering them has thrown off something rooted deeply inside him. He’s not close with either of them, nor does he know either of them enough to know whether they’re really nice people, but what he does know us that they’re both into each other. That much is clear. They’re two guys, happily kissing, and, from the look of it, in love.
Nausea creeps its way into his stomach. But not because he thinks of them as disgusting, but because he’s suddenly incredibly nervous.
All these years he’s told himself that loving Seishu is wrong. That there’s something wrong with him, Koko, to harbor these feelings. That he’s supposed to be in love with Akane, and Akane’s supposed to be in love with him, and that the fact he’s only ever had eyes and a heart for Seishu is, somehow, horribly wrong.
But if Shion can look so happy kissing Mochi, is he wrong for it? Can something that looks so right truly be so wrong?
Koko’s stopped believing in god a few years ago, but even before that everyone’s told him how wrong it is to be a man in love with another man. Stupid. Unnatural. A sin. Even if loving Seishu has always felt better than anything else in the world.
With his head in his hands, Koko’s sitting on the floor, leaning his back on the wall, and for the first time in his life, he allows himself to feel right as his heart beats heavy and fast at the thought of loving Seishu. And, fuck, it feels more freeing than anything else he’s ever experienced.
A week later, he’s hanging out with Shion. They’re sitting in the back of some parking lot around Shion’s block because Shion’s smoking, and it’s a generally quiet place.
Koko quickly realises has no clue how to do small talk with a guy like him, but Shion doesn’t seem to mind the silence, so there’s that. Still, Koko can’t not think of Shion and Mochi’s kiss, and of Seishu and himself.
To test the waters, he asks, ,,You really like Mochi, right?’’
,,Mhm!’’, Shion hums. After another drag of his cig, he adds, ,,He’s my best bro, for sure.’’
Well. Making out in an empty class room isn’t exactly Koko’s idea of being best bros, but whatever. If Shion doesn’t want to admit he’s gay, so be it.
Gay. The word feels strange in his mind. Scary. But not bad .
,,I really like Seishu, you know’’, he admits.
I love Seishu, he wants to say, but is not quite bold enough to.
,,Seishu, huh? You’re really close, you two, aren’t you?’’
Shion offers him a drag.
Koko politely shakes his head.
,,Still not as close as I’d like’’, he settles on as an answer.
,,I thought the two of you are best friends?’’, Shion digs deeper.
,,Yeah.’’
Koko takes a moment to be bold enough to look into Shion’s eyes, but when he does, he finds compassion.
,,I wish you the best’’, Shion says. He looks into the distance for a second, then back at Koko.
,,Sometimes it takes a lot of strength and time, but I’m sure it’ll work out in the end.’’
It almost sounds like Shion knows exactly what he’s talking about, and Koko chooses to believe that he does.
,,It’s been so long...’’, he voices his worries, ,,And he’s convinced I still only see Akane in him.’’
Shion raises a brow in confusion.
,,His dead sister. She was five years older than us. But I...’’, he trails off.
,,Never loved her?’’, Shion offers.
Koko nods.
,,Damn.’’
Wow, Koko thinks. That’s exactly what he’s been dying to hear, truly.
,,Maybe start by calling him Seishu before confessing or kissing him or whatever’’, Shion offers as piece of advice.
Koko hums.
Then, he looks at Shion’s cig, and holds out his hand.
Shion rolls his eyes stagily, but hands it over.
,,Thanks’’, Koko mutters. For accepting me. For listening. For trying to help .
It’s not Seishu, and he hasn’t said the words yet, but, finally, there’s someone else on this planet who knows how he feels. It’s out now. Forever.
There’s no denying it anymore.
Koko’s in love with Seishu. And, goddamn, he almost wants to be.
━━━━━━━
One night, when Seishu’s crashing at Koko’s because his parents are fighting again, they’re both sitting on Koko’s bed. Koko in his pyjamas, Seishu in a borrowed shirt and a borrowed pair of sweatpants. It almost feels too domestic.
Seishu’s playing Mario Kart on Koko’s Nintendo DS while he’s watching him, chin resting on Seishu’s shoulder.
When Seishu finally comes in first place after four attempts (he’d been second place in all of the others), a toothy grin makes its way onto his face, and Koko congratulates him.
Happily, Seishu stretches out his arm to place the DS on the nightstand, and when Koko wraps his arms around his waist, Seishu relaxes in his hold, leaning back into him.
Seishu tilts his head, gazing up into Koko’s eyes, and Koko’s heart flutters. Seishu’s just so pretty.
,,Seishu?’’, he whispers.
,,Hm?’’, Seishu quietly hums back.
,,I—’’, Koko starts before his voice breaks, and he needs another attempt to get everything out.
,,I love you. I love you , Seishu’’, he finally manages, and as he whispers the second you, he gently strokes over Seishu’s scar.
,,Oh’’, Seishu breathes out, and blinks a few times. But his gaze doesn’t waver, and Koko returns it with a shy smile tugging at the corners of his mouth.
Do you love me back? Please? , Koko wants to ask because Seishu almost takes too long to say something, but then he speaks up.
,,You actually meant it?’’, Seishu asks hesitantly. For a second, Koko worries that he’s scared.
,,Yes’’, he answers, voice weak. ,,I’ve always loved you. Never her. As a friend, maybe. But never the way I love you.’’
,, Oh ’’, escapes Seishu.
,,All my life— I thought, loving another guy is wrong. I thought—No, I knew —I was supposed to love her— I didn’t. I tried. But I couldn’t’’, Koko tries to explain himself.
He doesn’t even notice the tears running down his face until Seishu brings up his hands, and wipes them away.
,,Shh’’, Seishu whispers.
With trembling lips, Koko stops trying to formulate sentences. Explanations. In the end, it doesn’t really matter why it’s taken him so long, anyway. What matters is that he’s finally upfront about his feelings.
Seishu straightens his back, and stands up just to turn around and kneel down on the bed again, this time facing Koko. His soft hands find his cheeks again immediately, and with his eyes closed, he slowly leans in.
Koko leans in, too. Finally, their lips touch, and Koko reaches out for Seishu’s waist again, wrapping his fingers around it and pulling him close. Seishu lands on his lap, and continues kissing him.
After a timespan Koko couldn’t name, but knows is clearly not enough, Seishu pulls away. He keeps his hands on Koko’s face, remains in his lap, pulls away just enough to look into his eyes without it being awkward.
,,I love you so much’’, Koko whispers weakly. Because with Seishu in his arms like that, so soft, and gentle, and pretty, and kind, and perfect, there’s nothing else he could possibly say.
,,I love you too’’, Seishu whispers back, grinning with his teeth.
Another tear runs down Koko’s face, this time because his chest feels overwhelmingly warm, and the butterflies in his stomach are fluttering a little too happily, and Seishu kisses it away.
Koko’s so in love with Seishu, and, fuck, he loves to be.