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Sometimes I think of my future, I imagine I’m happy, that me and my highschool friends still talk. I imagine that I love my job, I have a house, maybe a few cats (4-8). Most importantly I imagine that I’m not lonely.
In my dreams of the future I’m a parent (makes sense, as I love kids). And that scares me, I don’t think I’d make a good parent. I’ll say the thought doesn't bother me to anyone who asks of course, but I’d be lying.
The thing is, I'm not willing to mess up someone’s life. I don’t want anyone else to have the thoughts or experiences I’ve had, and the thought of making someone else go through that when I know how it feels is enough reason for me not to try.
My parents lived and grew up with parents who loved them, and cared for them. It’s obvious in the way my grandma acts, how we’re always teasing each other, how we always laugh together.
She would drive me to the park just so I could go on the swing set. She’d let me swing for hours patiently waiting while staying in the car, when it’s over 90 degrees (I know this because she’s done it before).
I wouldn’t tell her anything too serious of course, but that's because I know she'd be on my side. I also know I would put myself down, and that would hurt her as much as I hurt myself.
She wouldn’t use anything I told her against me, she would support my decisions, give me confidence and in her own words ’Drive five hours to beat their asses. She’s my light in the dark and the reason I'm so much more comfortable now, and I love her more than words can express.
My stepmom’s grandma cooks for me, she does all our chores for us. She buys me clothes, she gets me gifts, she gives me money.
It’s always in the back of my mind that she doesn't have to, that I’m not her biological grandchild. That her daughter got married to a man who already had a kid.
That her daughter now has to take care of that kid and live with her. So it surprises me whenever she does do something nice for me, it’s like ‘your daughter would never do get this/this for me, so why are you doing it?’
I love her, I swear I do. In fact she’s more of a parental figure for me than my actual parents-(plus the people they’ve dated and married- that makes me smile in a weird way.
What type of person tries to gaslight their kid saying ‘I’ve never kicked you before, you shouldn’t be lying like that. People might get the wrong idea, and even if I did it was never enough to hurt. You should know I was only playing around.’ So you agree and apologize, because what else can you do?
Just a few months after you have a breakdown after being yelled at one to many times, you start writing because it’s the only way you know to get your feelings across. Sometime later they find it.
After a whole ordeal, it starts getting brought up in every ‘argument’ ‘are you going to say I’m gaslighting you again?’
“Are you going to call your mom again because you have trouble breathing? You know that I should be the one you tell this kind of thing to, what can she do to help. She’s not the one living with you. Like yes I know that, thank you for pointing it out to me again."
And like what was I supposed to say?
“you hit me with your hoodie, because I couldn’t find it fast enough, never mind that it wasn’t where you said it would be. The zipper got caught in my skin. I was bleeding, crying already made it hard to breathe, my head was hurting, and all the yelling wasn’t helping either.
Let’s not forget the fact that you told me to stop crying. Add the fact that you didn’t want to hear any sounds, and you got a recipe for disaster.”
Yeah, no thank you, I’m fine.
You know someone once told me “Before you worry about the outside you have to fix the inside.” - Stepmother.
That one sentence had all my confidence crashing down, all of a sudden I could hear all the things she said that had me questioning my will to live.
“Are you retared?”
‘... I can't believe you're asking me this'
“Are you dumb?”
‘Well, not everyone can be as smart as you like to think you are.’
“Do you not have a brain?”
‘Of course I do, everyone does’
“Are you deaf?”
‘No, but sometimes I think you are, with the way you ignore me.’
”Are you mute?”
‘I’m sorry, if I don’t feel the need to yell, or scream at everyone.’
“You may not know this but your head isn’t an accessory.”
'Of course i know that’
“That dress makes you look like a grandma”
‘Everyone else said it looks nice, but I know you wouldn’t be happy with me having any self esteem’
“What have you ever done for me?”
‘I do the dishes, the laundry, I vacuum. I cook, make the couches, and watch YOUR kids. I scratch your back, clean your ears, (which is weird by the way) help with your hair. I try.’
“Worthless”
‘I know, that’s how you guys make me feel sometimes’
“Ugly”
‘I know I am, you don’t have to tell me ’
“Why? Why do I have to let you live in my house? Let you wear the clothes I bought? Let you use my brother’s Iphone? Let you eat my food? Why do I have to spend my money, time, and effort on you?”
’I never asked you to, I’m waiting for you to make good on your promise to send me back to my mom. Plus it’s not your money, you don’t work at all.’
I’ve had horrible parental figures, that's something I can say with confidence. Even if I see ideal parenting, if I’ve experienced it, that’s not to erase years of verbal, physical, mental, and emotional abuse.
What I want to know is how can you have amazing parents and still turn out like this? And I know it’s not only me. My best friend had dad issues. Two of my old friends, their moms, are alcoholics.
My new friend, her dad, once beat her because of an Oreo. Another friend, her parents hit her, and neglect her. Even my aunt (my uncle’s wife, not blood related ) has had problems with her stepmom. There are so many messed up parents, and no guaranteed I won’t fuck up, and end up doing the same thing.