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Gwen’s chest heaved and she pressed her palm against her sternum, trying to catch her breath. She’d been on a roll, knocked out at least half a dozen of the projections chasing after her before she was toppled by a flash of heart shaped glasses and a force of electric energy slamming into her side, snapping her web from where it found purchase on the top of the training dome and sending her crashing to the ground. The holographic overlay of a randomly generated New York flickered and vanished, leaving behind the black, unforgiving floors of the training facility. She grasped the edge of her mask, ripping it back in one fluid motion, gasping at the rush of unfiltered air. “Using LYLA against me, no fair! That's cheating!”
Jess grinned at her, the bright yellow eyes of her glasses squinting at the edges. “You think these anomalies are gonna fight fair girl? Don’t play with me.” Gwen couldn’t help it, the corner of her mouth twitched and then she was laughing too, sliding down the wall until she sat with her legs crossed, trying to catch her breath. It had been a week since her last mission, and she was starting to get antsy. Too much time to think and her mind wandered back to her dimension, to her dad staring at her behind a sheet of crackling red energy, scared and angry and a whole host of emotions that she was choosing not to unpack at this current point in time.
She’d hung around Hobie’s dimension for a few days until she got too reckless in a squirmish, letting a bullet graze her hip while she was trying to show off a new move. He'd sent her to Pav, who had gotten into his head to staunchly keep her away from any sort of fight. She’d spent 32 hours doing nothing but normal teen stuff until the other spider was so obviously antsy at not being able to do patrols that she took pity and went back to HQ.
“Come off it Gwendy, you need to take it easy. Get back to me once you cool off a bit, yeah? Last thing I need is a hurt spider woman on my hands.” Hobie looked at her, gaze unwavering. He had an uncanny way of seeing right through her, right down to the bone and maybe even further than that. “You need ta look out for yourself love.” She didn’t blame him, but that didn’t help the sourness that curled in her stomach as she stepped through the portal, letting the swirl of red and gold swallow her whole.
And at HQ she’d sat, corralling any Spider who would listen into the training room to spar with her, until there started to be a very noticeable diversion of traffic as people found new hallways to swing to. Didn’t they understand that if she stopped, for even a second, she would collapse? If she didn’t keep moving forward, the force of all her choices for the last few months would come crashing into her, and she didn't know if she would get up again, and no one wanted that. Not Gwen, not Jess, and certainly not Miguel, who after all of his bitching about letting her join up, obviously deemed her a valuable member of the team since up until this week, he’d sent her on missions almost daily.
As if an answer to her prayers, Jess’s watch beeped, Miguel’s golden silhouette beaming out of her wrist. “Jess, I need you to send a Spider out on assignment. An anomaly on Earth 1610. Bag him and bring him back to HQ, LYLA will send over more details. Report back once you’ve got him. Call for backup if needed.”
Without waiting for her to respond he ended the call, the beep of the watch echoing in the deathly quiet of the training room. Gwen shot to her feet. She couldn’t quite make herself breath. Jess eyed her cautiously, eyes unreadable beneath her goggles. Gwen was hyper aware of her jackhammering heart that beat against her breastbone like a bird desperate to escape its cage. Calm down Gwen, play it cool. This is fine, just ask if you can go. Be so normal about it, there’s no reason not to be normal about it.
Earth 1610, anomaly, Miles.
“Gwen–”
“I can go.” It tore out of her, quick and sharp. So much for playing it cool.
Miguel’s eyes flashed red, looming over her as he straightened up to his full height. “The watch isn’t a toy, it’s a tool. You can’t use it to just bop over to whatever dimension you chose.” It was quickly becoming apparent to Gwen that she traded one cage for another. You can be spiderwoman, but you can’t tell the only person in your life who still cares about you. You can join up and fight, but you can’t go see the person who made you want to join in the first place.
You can’t go visit Miles, Earth 1610 is on lockdown. He’s an anomaly, the original anomaly, he’s the reason the multiverse is fracturing, breaking into pieces beneath our very fingers. You can’t see him–him–him–
Jess pinched the bridge of her nose. “Gwen, be serious right now. You know I can’t let you go.” She sounded tired, they all were these days, with the anomalies coming faster and harder then they had before. Something had to give before the entire Spider Society ripped itself in two, giving Miguel a heart attack and knocking out half of the multiverse in the process.
“I won’t go see him, I swear. I just–” she gulped. Her throat was uncomfortably dry. You should always be hydrated when you’re training! Pav’s unsolicited advice spun across her brain, clinking with the bangles he always adorned on his wrist. I always bring at least three water bottles, and it's good for your skin!
That’s so not helpful right now Pav, thank you!
“It just– it makes sense.” She forced herself to speak slowly, carefully. “I’m here, I’m one of the best at catching anomalies, it makes perfect sense to send me. And this guy is just some villain of the week, I’ll be in and out in no time.” Did Jess catch the waver in her voice? Could she see the tremor in her fingers?
Every inch of her was a livewire. Is this what Mile’s felt like when he channeled electricity? She felt hot, uncomfortably so, the weight of Jess’s eyes on her threatened to squash her into the ground like some sort of spider-goo for some unfortunate soul to be cursed with cleaning up. Don’t look too eager, or too desperate. You’re not going to see Miles, you’re going because it’s just logical. It makes sense.
Don’t be stupid, of course you’re going to see Miles.
Jess studied her, a frown etched on her lips, but Gwen could see the moment the other woman relented, a tiny sigh escaping her, shoulder dropping ever slightly. “You get in and out, you understand me? Don’t go talk to that boy, I don’t care how much you want to. Miguel will have both our heads if he finds out I let you go.”
She stepped back, resting her hands on her hips. “I trust you Gwen, don’t mess this up.”
They’re testing you, Hobie said, a scowl curling around his words, making sure you're loyal to them and them alone. I don’ trust these spiders as far as I can throw em’.
Pushing down the feeling that she was pulling one over on her mentor (Which she definitely was not) Gwen tapped her watch. “LYLA, give me the info on this guy. What’s he doing, what universe is he from.”
The tiny AI woman winked into existence, her heart-glasses slipping down her nose as she adjusted her coat collar, a smirk plastered on her face. Gwen wondered if Miguel’s sense of humor had somehow been grafted onto his AI assistant, which then made her wonder what facet of Miguel really wanted to wear big pink glasses and a fluffy coat but she tamped down on the urge to ask. Focus Gwen.
“New Anomaly, calls himself ‘The Spot’. Seems to be very interested in Alchemex, probably due to the fact that he worked there when the Spider from 1610 blew up their collider.” Gwen winced, but if LYLA noticed, she didn’t care. Or she just filed it away into whatever monstrous file Gwen was sure Miguel had for all of them.
“Skin has been turned completely white, save for black spots that cover his body-”
“Like a cow.”
“-like a cow.” LYLA peered at Gwen over the top of her glasses. “Unsure what these spots can do yet, but I doubt they’re anything good.”
“Okay, what universe is he from?”
LYLA flipped through a notepad that blinked into existence in her hand. “Well looking here it seems like– well, wait that can’t be–” She frowned, pulling out a keyboard and skimming through files and footage blinking by her lenses at impossible speeds. “Well, it looks like his origin is from Earth 1610, but he’s definitely– he’s doing something–”
“But he’s not an anomaly then, right? If he’s from that dimension originally? He’s–” Miles–Miles–Miles– “He’s something different.”
“Well no he is an anomaly, he’s linked to the spider from 1610 so that inherently makes him an anomaly–”
Something traitorous must have worked its way across her face, because the next thing she knew Jess was crowded up next to her, dismissing LYLA off Gwen’s watch.
“Gwen.” Her voice was sharp. Gwen didn’t dare swing away. She was sure Jess could down her from words alone.
“Don’t make me regret sending you. If you go see your little friend, I can’t help you. Miguel–”
Miguel, it was always Miguel. Gwen saw him in the shadows that stretched across the empty halls of HQ at night, she saw him in the guilt that lurked in the crevices of Peter B. Parker’s face anytime he talked about Miles, she saw him glinting in the glowing yellow that shrouded Jess’s eyes. The watch around her wrist felt too tight, she had to stop herself from pulling it off, throwing it across the room in hopes that it eased the pit that had taken residence under her ribcage. She was certain that if she took it off, there would be a bruise blooming underneath.
What’s this watch other than a fancy prison? Sure, I can see the multiverse, but what does it matter if I can’t go to the one place I want to go?”
Breath Gwendy, just breath.
—
At the start of her friendship with Hobie and Pav, in the odd space between coworkers-who-might-be-friends to we-go-on-missions-weekly-and-text-and-spend-the-night-so-we’re-real-friends-right? She wasn’t quite sure how to bring up Miles, so she didn’t. It was easier that way. Miguel drilled into them constantly about Earth 1610, about the danger that lurked there in the form of a gangly teenage boy. She didn’t know their opinions on the society yet (though she was pretty positive Hobie wasn’t too fond of them) but she couldn't talk bad about Miguel. He’d had the power to save her from her dimension, and she knew far too well the power he had to send her back. It was his whole schtick after all.
When they used the Go Home machine she had to look away, or make an excuse to duck out of the room. How could anyone stand it, watching a creature, no matter how bad, literally have their atoms unmade and stitched back together.
But Miles had a way of bleeding through, because how couldn’t he? He was amazing, and she missed him so fiercely it ached. So everytime Hobie boosted her on his guitar or Pav spun by her in a blur of laughter, she missed Miles just a little bit more. She was sure the two of them had connected the dots between the kid from her first multiverse excursion (never referred to by name) and the bringer of doom that was harped upon at every weekly meeting, but it was one thing to know and another thing to talk about it.
It was late, and the three of them had finally been dismissed from the briefings Miguel held post-anomaly that somehow lasted longer than the actual fight and had slipped away to Hobie’s dimension under the illusion of helping with patrol. In reality Gwen simply had a hole in her stomach that only the greasy fish and chips down the street from Hobie’s place could fill. She popped a fry (Sorry Hobie, a chip) in her mouth, giggling at Pav wrinkling his nose at the fish basket in front of him. (“Hobie, is it supposed to be this greasy man? You must tell me– It’s good mate, just eat it. Stop complainin’.”)
Her chest ached. More and more these days she felt off kilter, just slightly out of step. Like she was missing her right web shooter, or her spider sense was out of whack. I wish Miles was here.
“You alrigh’ Gwendy? Mighty quiet over there, after twistin’ my arm to come visit.” She sighed, picked at the loose thread on her sweater.
“Sometimes I wish Miguel wasn’t such a hardass all the time. Like, what's the point of being able to travel to any universe we want if we can’t even have fun with it, you know?”
Silence stretched between the three of them, pin pricked by wailing sirens in the distance, the slap of water against Hobie’s houseboat, laughter and chatter from passing groups wandering from pub to pub.
“Is this about–”
“Pav, come off it–”
“I mean this is about your friend, right? Miles? Earth 1610?” Pavitr leaned forward, eyes comically large, even without his mask on, hair flopping over his forehead. “You can talk to us about him, if you want? No pressure or anything, but my mum always says keeping things bottled up just makes you feel worse in the long run, and it can give you indigestion if you’re not careful.”
Gwen sighed. He was right (maybe not about the indigestion but his heart was in the right place). She’d tried the not-talking-about-Miles thing, but it hurt to keep him all wrapped up inside of her like he didn’t exist anywhere else.
“It’s just, I’ve told you about the first time I met Peter B, right?”
They both nodded. She threaded her fingers together. “Well, he wasn’t the only one I met during that whole fiasco. There was – someone else. Miles. His name is Miles.” The knot in her chest loosened.
She told them about the collider, and about Miles, so young but so, so willing to give it everything he could. It came pouring out of her in waves, an ode to the boy who had offered to be her friend when no one else could manage to get through the walls she’d built so thick around her. It was so important that they knew, that they understood how important he was, how she’d never met another person quite like him before. That it wasn’t Miles’s fault, no matter what Miguel said.
She should have known that telling a person like Hobie that might not have the effect she wanted it to. When she finally looked up from where she had been steadily shredding the paper bag in front of her to tiny pieces, Pav looked so starstruck she was certain that his pupils were about to become bright pink hearts. Hobie on the other hand, looked dangerous, red crackling in his eyes and his outline. She already knew what he was going to say, which was exactly why she had never talked about Miles in the first place.
“Gwendy– I could–”
“No Hobie.”
He fiddled with the piercing on his lip, his skin flashing with news headlines and printed script, pale yellow in the dim light of his apartment.
“If it’s me bein’ caught your worried ‘bout, I’m right sneaky when I want’uh be, you know that.”
She ran a hand over her face, tamping down the urge to scream. “I know you wouldn’t get caught on purpose but Hobie, they track us, you know that.”
He shrugged, eyes flickering from purple to red to gray again. “You thin’ I don’ know that? What's big bad O’Hara gonna do to me, huh? I can jus’ make sure he’s right as rain over there. Pop in, pop out, no one’s any wiser.”
Why don’t you get it? Frustration churned in her gut, and embarrassingly, heat sprung to her eyes. “It’s not about what they would do to you Hobie, it's what they would do to me! You think Miguel doesn’t know we’re close? You think it wouldn’t tip him off if you went waltzing over to Earth 1610 just to pop in? The one place he’d forbidden every Spider in this place to go to?”
Her laugh was mean, mocking. She wanted to take it back but didn’t think she could. “I know you don’t care about anything, you’re free as a bird to do whatever the hell you want but I have to play by their rules Hobie, I can’t afford not to. I can’t let them send me home, I have to be perfect. And if that means–” Her voice cracked. She pressed the heels of her palms into her eyes, backing away from Pav’s outstretched hand until she hit the wall and slid down, arms bracketing her knees. Pav was crouched eye level with her, worry creasing his face. Hobie hadn’t moved from where he leaned up against the busted stove, his arms crossed, ever the picture of cool, but the color had leached out of him.
“It means I can’t go see Miles. Not now, maybe not ever. At least not until we get the anomalies under control and I can get Miguel off of my neck.” The tears came now, and she didn’t stop Pav from lurching forward, wrapping an arm around her shoulders.
“It’s okay Gwen, we’ll figure something out, okay? You’ll see him again, I know you will.” Ever the optimist. She buried her head in her knees, afraid of him seeing the jealousy stamped across her face. Of course everything works out for him, it always does. He couldn’t understand.
As soon as the thought crossed her mind she squashed it. The mess she was in wasn’t Pavitr’s fault.
“But you wanna see ‘im, yeah?”
“Of course I want to see him–”
“Hey man, I do not know if you are really helping–”
Hobie pushed off the wall, coming to crouch in front of the two of them. “Nah, you’re not listenin’ to me. You wanna see ‘im, you’re gonna see ‘im. I’ll make you a watch Gwendy, one that's all me, none of O’Hara’s sneaky little sensors or nothin’.”
“You– how would you?”
Hobie grinned, tapping a finger against his nose. “Well I’m Spider-Man aren’t I? You think you’re the only one here with a bit of tech skills? Come off it.”
—
Gwen had been waiting patiently for Hobie to finish the watch, but who knew when it would be done. She couldn’t pass up a chance to see Miles, not when it was dangling right in front of her.
She stepped back, letting her mentor’s hands fall between them, and pulled her mask back over her face, fabric cool against her flushed skin. “I got it Jess, I’m not stupid. I can’t afford to piss Miguel off, you know that.” You know it, he knows it, the whole damn spider society knows it. If Jess didn’t believe her, it didn’t show, her face impassive, calm, eyes unreadable beneath a tint of yellow.
Gwen had asked her once, why she didn’t wear a full mask. How could it be safe to just have your identity out there for the world to see? For any supervillain who wanted to find where you lived, find your family?
“Why should I wear a mask? I want people to know who’s saving their ass every other week.”
She said it so simply, so matter of fact, like she wasn’t the only spider Gwen knew who didn’t keep her identity concealed. Like it was the most normal thing in the world to not hide yourself from anyone or anything. Gwen figured you had to be a different type of brave to live like that, and she didn’t think that she was made of the stuff that qualified.
Taking a deep breath, she steadied herself. It would be so easy– Swiped up on her watch, keying in the world she wanted to travel to. The numbers blinked back at her, mocking. A promise.
“I’ll let you know as soon as I’ve got the anomaly contained.”
“No funny business, okay? You’ve got a job to do.”
Gwen nodded. Go to Earth 1610, catch the anomaly, come back.
Go to Earth 1610, swing by Miles, for just a minute, catch the anomaly, come back.
She was Gwen Stacy, she was Spiderwoman, she could do both.
—
Turns out she really, really couldn’t.