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Somehow, Sirius Black, notorious Casanova of Gryffindor while in school, never imagined that he would be thirty-five and divorced from the woman he’d spent the better part of a decade with, and had two children with, Marlene McKinnon. The divorce had been brutal, despite the fact that they had been separated for three years prior before the divorce proceedings, which began two years ago and were finished as of today.
He should be excited, and he is… after all, there’s no love lost between him and Marlene, but she had been so difficult since he caught her cheating with Gideon Weasley and had stopped him from seeing his kids as much as he’d like. In fact, he barely sees Charlotte (or Charlie), their fourteen-year-old, who looks so much like him that it’s scary, is at Hogwarts most of the year and Marlene’s barely let him see the kids over the holidays or summer. Charlie seemingly blames him over her, and since Marlene’s the one she sees more often, it makes sense and breaks his heart.
He wants more with his daughter, especially since he’s so close to his godson, Harry, who’s the exact copy of his father and Sirius’ best mate, James Potter, and the same age as his daughter. The two of them were think as thieves despite the divorce since Marlene and Lily are still best friends, too.
Despite the fact that James and Lily had amicably divorced three years ago after a short separation, James still spent time with Lily and his kids and even Sirius’ kids. Lily wasn’t the same way that Marlene is when it comes to custody and the children seeing their father.
Even if he could accept barely seeing Charlie since she’s away at school most of the year, he struggles with barely seeing his son, Alfred (or Al), who’s seven like James’ twin girls, and looks like the perfect mix of him and Marlene (with her hair color and eyes, but Sirius’ face and hair type). He thought that with the divorce being Marlene’s fault (due to infidelity) that he would be able to get custody, but they used his last name against him. Most of his family had been on the wrong side of the war and despite Sirius’ best efforts to re-frame the family name with the help of James, not much had changed.
It didn’t even matter that he, himself, had fought for the Order or that he was there fighting Death Eaters and Voldemort the night that he was killed for good. All that mattered was that he was a Black.
And Blacks were… dangerous or evil or who knows what the judge thought (he could blame the character witnesses because most of them were friends or related to Gideon, but the judge is the dunce for believing them with no proof). The fact is that Marlene’s lawyer had made one thing very clear – that Sirius should have limited contact with the children and at Marlene’s discretion. Given that she’d already taken them away without the law aiding her, now, it could be even worse.
He’s barely seen his kids in most of the last five years. Charlie’s standoffish, and Al shows signs of thinking of Gideon as his father, and Sirius… well, he has nothing.
“Hey, thought you could use a drinking buddy tonight,” a voice to his left says.
Well, maybe not nothing.
He’ll always have James, who may have a better divorce than Sirius, but they’re both single for the first time since they were teens and well, he might understand a little of what Sirius is feeling.
“How’d you find me here?” Sirius asks, as he glances up and down the dingy bar on Tuesday night. It was a muggle bar that Sirius has taken to frequenting over the last few years. He had never told James about it, though, and in fact, hadn’t intended to have a drinking buddy tonight or even tell him that the divorce was finalized as of a few hours ago.
He didn’t want to put these difficult feelings on James. He’s fine with his job – an invention shop with James – and he’ll continue to accept the situation with his kids. He has no choice, and he knows James would want to fight, but honestly, after the last few years, Sirius has no fight left in him.
“Like I don’t know where my best mate goes when he wants to be alone,” James says, sitting beside him at the bar.
Sirius makes a face. “Where I like to be alone… yet, you’re here?”
James shrugs. “I was dropping over the girls and Marlene came in with Al to gloat and frankly, it made me sick. It’s not bad enough that she cheated with that has-been Gideon, but to do what she’s done to you and then come to our – okay, Lily’s – house to gloat? It’s beyond disgusting. She knows that Lily’s your friend, too, that we were both your friends first and she took away your chance to come to us? Please.”
“I don’t need your pity, James.”
“I’m not pitying you; I’m supporting you,” James counters. “I know that it must be hard to see her being a complete and utter bitch, getting your kids by using your last name, and on top of it she’s planning ‘the perfect wedding’ and celebrating giving Gideon a perfect son. It’s utter bollocks.”
Sirius hums. It definitely was.
“Thanks, Jay, but I don’t want to think about her, or anything related to her.”
“Well, good, ‘cause I’m not here to talk, I’m here to drink.”
Given that James has never been one for drinking, Sirius can’t help, but smile as he raises his glass in cheers, “I’ll drink to that!”
“Cheers!”
***
Sirius wakes the next morning with a terrible hangover – being thirty-five and drinking himself silly was not his best choice, but he gives himself some leeway given the circumstances. Luckily, magic makes the hangover dim better than the muggle hangover cures, and he can feel relatively better as he stumbles into his kitchen.
James is already there, looking better than Sirius feels even with the magic assist.
“Er, James, did you forget that you don’t live here?”
James bursts out laughing. “No, I’m quite clear on that, but you were blind drunk last night, and I wanted to make sure that you woke up this morning.”
“You don’t have to babysit me.”
James stops laughing. “It’s not babysitting. I care about you, and I can’t imagine yesterday was easy for you…”
“If you think I give a damn about losing that woman, you’ve lost the plot.”
“I’m not worried about you being sad over that wanker, no, but … now, you’re at her mercy to see your kids.”
“I’ve been at her mercy for five years.”
“Yes, but it could’ve and should’ve changed,” James counters. “There’s no reason that you couldn’t have 50-50 custody.”
“Yeah, well, I might’ve had a better shot of that if I wasn’t a Black.”
“Maybe you should’ve become a Potter,” James teases.
Sirius snorts. “Yeah, that – that is an awesome suggestion – totally would have worked.”
James gives him a look. “Your sarcasm is noted.”
“I’d apologize, but come on, James, bad plan.”
James hums. “Well, I just… I wish I could’ve done something.”
“Unfortunately, there’s nothing that you can do about it, thanks, though, for your support.”
“Anytime.”
***
“I have the PERFECT idea,” James says, skipping into their shop almost two weeks later.
“Idea of an invention?” Sirius asks, not looking up from what he’s working on.
“No, for you to spend some time with your kids.”
Before Sirius can try and tell him to give up since Marlene would never fall for one of their tricks, James plows on.
“We take the kids for the summer to my beach house in North Devon. Marlene’s going to be heavily pregnant, so she might be easily convinced that having the kids out of her hair will let her focus on her kid and her wedding and you get to see your kids.”
It sounds like a great idea, and if it were anyone else, Sirius would say yes, let’s do it, but it’s Marlene. She’s been a vindictive bitch for no other reason than because she can be – especially to Sirius. It’s as if she completely blames him for getting knocked up (ignoring that it takes two to tango) and being ‘stuck’ with him because her parents insisted that despite being adults, that they get married at twenty. She, obviously, thinks it’s her job to make his life hell, and she’d say no even if it would also benefit her, all because it would make him happy.
“What? You don’t like the idea?” James asks, frowning.
“Oh, I think it’s a great idea, but… Marlene won’t go for it.”
“Why not?”
“Because she’s a petty, vindictive bitch that isn’t going to do anything that will make me happy and nothing would make me happier than spending the summer with my kids – and you and your kids, too, but she can’t control that bit.”
James hums, thoughtfully. “What if we use Lily? She’d be willing to explain it in a way that won’t feel like we’re trying to get one over on Marlene. Maybe convince her that it would be… a burden on you and therefore a secret punishment?”
Sirius hums. He supposes that it doesn’t hurt to try.
“Sure. Sounds like something worth a try.”
“Great.”
***
Standing on the train station waiting for his daughter to arrive on the Hogwarts express, Sirius honestly can’t believe it worked, despite the fact that Lily had given him the news more than a month previously, and he and James had gone to the last Hogsmeade trip of the year to talk to their kids about the trip, it still felt … surreal.
Harry had been over the moon about the possibility, but Charlie had been a little more hesitant, but had come around when Harry had talked about how much fun they’re going to have and how great it would be and how she complained to him about how bored she’d been the previous summer because Marlene had promised a holiday that they didn’t end up taking because of Gideon.
At the reminder, Charlie decided that she’d rather go with her dad than to have another boring summer that will be focused on a baby instead of a fun summer at a beach house with her best friend.
It’s a win – even if she wasn’t doing this to spend time with him.
There’s a part of him that is waiting for the rug to be pulled out from under him, but, at the same time, he’s really excited to be here. He’s been looking forward to this all month, and he’s quite excited to spend the summer with his best mate and their kids.
“Ready for this?” James asks, smiling.
His twin girls, Alexandra (Alex) and Aurora are standing off to the side with his own son, Al, whispering about their own excitement over the trip. The girls were expected to be identical at first, as they were born with no hair, but as soon as their hair began growing, it was obvious that they were fraternal. Alex’s hair resembles James’ hair, while Aurora looks like a perfect mini-Lily with her hair.
“It’s certainly going to be interesting for sure.”
Before James can respond, the twins and Al (with all of the other underaged kids) are yelling excitedly about the Hogwarts Express coming in.
The sight is something that he hasn’t gotten to see ever since his daughter started school (Marlene stating that it’s stupid for him to come see to Charlie when Charlie’s going home with her anyway every year before this), and he’s thrilled to see it for the first time. He sees some of the kids peeking out of the windows looking for their parents, which includes an excited Harry and a Charlie that looks a little too surprised to see him, and a little disappointed.
He knows why.
Marlene hadn’t thought it made any sense to come, even though Lily had come to see Harry and they had planned to go out to dinner with Lily and the kids so that she could at least see Harry before the trip because she hadn’t seen him in months. Marlene, apparently, didn’t think it was worth the effort.
Seeing that look on his daughter’s face made him want to go yell at her, but instead, he plasters a smile on his face, and delights that although Charlie isn’t running to him the way that Harry runs to James (and Lily), she does give him a rather happy hug that makes his day.
“Hey, sweetheart, how was the trip?”
“It was good, Harry and I basically just chatted about our summer plans, which disappointed a friend of ours since his family can’t have a holiday,” she says, shrugging. “Where’s mum?”
He knows she’s avoiding mention of any Weasleys, probably because her mother would’ve insisted that he’d be hurt, but he’s known that she and Harry are friends with the youngest son, Ron, and he’s not going to be the type of parent to tell her she can’t be friends with someone. Even if he doesn’t like the parents all that much.
“Oh, erm, well, it’s … a lot to move around when you’re far along, so she thought it was best not to come.”
Charlie frowns. “It’s been like… months since she’s seen me. And now…”
He’s not sure what to say, after all, it’s not like he wants to defend Marlene, luckily, Lily overhears and says, “It can be difficult to travel when you’re heavily pregnant. It’s not that she doesn’t want to see you, she just is easily tired.”
“Oh, yeah, sure.”
Charlie doesn’t look convince, but Al gets her attention and starts babbling about the goings-on of the seven-year-olds trio, and the subject is changed as they make their way out for dinner.
The fun summer’s about to start.
***
It’s late when they finally make it to the beach house. The trip had been long since James insisted on doing things the muggle way (which usually Sirius is all for, but not when he’s tired).
It’s easy enough to carry the twins into one of the double rooms – there’s four bedrooms (Master, two doubles, and a full) – but the problem lies with the other two rooms. Al and Harry should technically share one of the doubles, but Charlie and Harry argued that it seemed unfair that Harry would have to deal with sharing with a seven-year-old, so after much back and forth with Sirius trying hard not to wake Al in his arms, they conceded that they trusted the teens to behave (they’re too young to get into trouble anyway) and moved Al to the room with a full bed, letting Charlie and Harry set up their doubles bedroom to their liking with a quick, “good night.”
Once Al’s settled, Sirius goes into the master bedroom and pauses. He forgot that there would only be one bed in the master and he’s not sure if he should offer to take the couch – but if he does then he’d have the problem of being in the middle of everything and uncomfortable all summer – so he just freezes.
“Come on, Si,” James says, not bothering to look uncomfortable in anyway. “I know it’s been a while since we were teens in Hogwarts always sharing a bed for comfort, but there’s no reason we can’t share as adults.”
“Right, of course not. Not sure why I – I froze.”
James laughs, “Probably something to do with expectations. Normal people would balk at sharing a room or bed with someone they’re not dating.”
“Are you saying we’re not normal,” Sirius teases as he enters the room, going about his bedtime routine.
“I hope not,” James retorts. “Who wants to be normal? Definitely not me.”
Sirius laughs. “Me neither.”
“Good.”
***
Sirius wakes the next morning with James sprawled all over him and the reminder of why he’s never been one for bed sharing… because he can’t get out of bed with the James blanket on top of him.
What’s he supposed to do? Just lay here?
It seems highly unfair, and he knows that the kids should be up soon.
The last thing he needs is for one of the kids to come in here and be confused. He knows that they wouldn’t understand that two platonic friends can share a bed and the intimate nature of their position isn’t romantic. He doesn’t need them freaking out and trying to go back to Marlene.
So, he has to figure something else out.
He starts to wiggle away, trying to slowly get out from under James, only for him to tighten his grip.
Okay, new plan.
Not caring if he’s jostling James awake, Sirius begins lifting James’ arms off of him, pushing him to his side of the bed. It takes far longer than he’d like to escape James’ arms, but he finally manages it without waking James only to land hard on the floor and have James jerk up, suddenly awake.
“Wha’cha ya doing down there?” James asks, groggily.
“I was trying get away without waking you,” Sirius states. “You were on my side so much the only option was the floor.”
James blushes. “Sorry, I’m more of a cuddler now than before. I’ll work on that.”
“It’s fine, but I’m going to end up waking you up because the last twenty minutes have been painful.”
James laughs as he sits up and offers Sirius a hand. “Sorry, Si. I’ll try to be better.”
“Thanks.”
Once he’s on his feet, he says, “But you owe me breakfast.”
James smiles. “Of course.”
“Good.”
***
Their first day at the beach house involves a lie-in for Harry and Charlie, which means that rather than going to the beach, Sirius and James sit out on the wood porch with the twins and Al playing board games. The porch gives them the perfect view of the beach, sun and water.
Their seven-year-olds seem happy enough to play games with them, looking out at the beach and water view that they have that promises a lot of fun this summer.
Sirius, too, doesn’t mind having a bit of a relaxing morning with James and their little ones. It’s nice. It’s something that he wishes that he could have had with Marlene, but even when they were ‘happy’ (although he’s beginning to wonder if that’s just a delusion on his part), it was never peaceful like this.
He feels like he’s at home.
Around lunch, the kids decide to draw instead of play games with their dads, so laying their stomach’s they’re drawing in the sitting room.
This leaves Sirius and James in the kitchen, making lunch. The kitchen is an open plan that peeks through to the sitting room, although them to easily check on their little ones. Sirius can’t help smiling over at them, at least the summer is off to a good start.
“That’s a good smile,” James says, nudging him. “I told you this was a good idea.”
“It’s been not even a day and our teens aren’t even up yet,” Sirius retorts. Good start is not the same thing as assuming this would be a permanent good idea. Things could change from good to bad fast.
“Don’t be so pessimistic, Si. It’s going to be a great summer.”
“I wanna believe that, I do, it’s just not that easy. Not when every time I was happy to hang out with my kids and she came and stole them back…”
James frowns. “You know, I’ve been thinking about it – your lawyer clearly sucked if they weren’t able to argue that you running away and coming to my house would show that you’re not like the Blacks … it was just your last name, it’s not indicative of your ability to parent.”
Sirius shrugs. He knows the situation is something that James can’t understand because it wasn’t a fight for him the way it was for Sirius. He has a good relationship with Lily that Sirius doesn’t have with his ex.
“It’s not worth the fight again. I have them this summer and I’ll just make the most of it.”
James looks disappointed. “If you say so.”
“Seriously, Jay. Let’s just have fun this summer.”
“At least that I can promise.”
“Good.”
***
It rains the next couple of days, but finally, it’s sunny enough for the beach.
After making sure that the kids have everything they need and they go running off into the water, Sirius applies the muggle sunscreen to himself before handing it to James and asking, “Can you get my back?”
“Of course.”
He turns and sits allowing James to start applying the sunscreen to his back.
At first, he doesn’t think too much about James’ application until it’s been more than the standard couple of minutes, and suddenly, he can’t help noticing James’ hands.
His hands are moving slowly over his back and shoulders, rubbing slightly. He’s distracted by the feeling of James’ hands on his back. It’s – he can’t explain it.
He feels warm and all hot and bothered in the way that he used to feel when Marlene gave him a massage. She liked to do it as a precursor to sex, a lead-in, and there’s a response he wasn’t expecting. He feels the slight hardness in his swimsuit and wiggles away.
“Okay, James. I think I’m good.”
He does his best not to blush, while he can’t help noticing the slight blush on James’ face. “Right, sorry, got distracted.”
Sirius hums. He’s uncomfortable with the way he’s feeling all hot and bothered at James’ touch, so he says, “Yeah, well time to get in the water with the kids.”
“Yeah, you’re right – we should… yeah.”
He doesn’t wait for a response as he gets up set for the water. Maybe the water will wash away these feelings.
***
James doesn’t follow Sirius into the water, immediately.
Instead, he finds himself staring down at his hands. He’s not sure why, all of a sudden, he liked to have his hands on Sirius. He doesn’t know why he was taking his time, enjoying running his hands over Sirius’ back and shoulders.
All he knows is that he feels like something has changed. He wants nothing more than to explore the strange feelings at touching Sirius so innocently, but he knows that he probably shouldn’t.
The last thing he would want is to make things awkward between him and Sirius just because he felt a little weird once.
It’s nothing to worry about, he’s sure of it.
***
Ever since the weird moment on the beach, Sirius can’t help noticing every time James so much as brushes his hand or arm against him. It’s like a strange spark runs up his spine in a way that he hadn’t felt in long time.
It took him three days to realize that the strange spark was attraction.
Which confused him immensely.
James has been by his side since he was eleven and now, at thirty-five, he’s suddenly feeling attraction towards James when he’s never felt any sort of feelings for him before? He’s always been touchy-feely with James – that’s just who James is – but now, all of a sudden, there’s sparks? There’s attraction?
It’s weird and strange and it makes it hard to not react differently to James’ normal behaviors.
So, when they arrive at the festival that the kids wanted to attend nearly two weeks later, and James throws an arm around his shoulders as normal when they take a family – not family – photo, he blushes, profusely.
He should be fine – this is normal! And yet, any touch has him blushing like a teenager.
It doesn’t help at all when they disperse and the person taking the photo hands the camera back to him and says, “You two are such a cute couple and you have a wonderful, blended family.”
Sirius doesn’t know how to respond, but James comes up and puts his arm around Sirius’ waist and says, “thank you,” as if the statement was true.
“Yes, erm, thanks,” Sirius says, allowing the man to smile and wink before he turns away and links hands with a man waiting for him to be done.
Once he’s gone, Sirius looks at James, “Er, James, what was that?”
“What was what?” James asks, letting go of him. He doesn’t wait for Sirius to find the words to explain the implication of James’ arm around his waist and saying thank you to the man’s compliment about their blended family before he’s saying, “Come on, the kids are wanting to check out the rides.”
He starts walking towards the kids without waiting for a response. Apparently, James doesn’t find anything weird about that.
“Alright, then…”
***
Every morning James wakes up wrapped around Sirius, a little hard, and not really wanting to move away from him.
It’s true that he probably shouldn’t be relishing in this closeness with Sirius, especially when he doesn’t know where all of these feelings are coming from, but he can’t help himself. He still doesn’t quite understand how if he was able to fancy men that he wouldn’t fancy them already (and known about it for years), but he’s starting to think that he does fancy men, and he could possibly fancy Sirius.
Especially since he doesn’t feel that different when it comes to Sirius from when he was a teen to now, just … now, he wonders what it would be like to kiss him.
He supposes that the bond he had with Sirius was always deeper than his other friendships, but he only ever had eyes for Lily. Now, Lily’s out of the picture and his connection with Sirius is allowing him to see him as an option… and he’s so confused about what to do.
Is this a passing interest, like his fancy of Professor Knight? Is this a ‘Sirius is objectively attractive, and it could be hot’ interest? Is this an ‘I’m lonely and you’re here’ interest that would inevitably break up their friendship? Or is this an ‘I could really see a future’ interest?
Normally, if he had a fancy, he’d talk to Sirius, but well, since he’s the … fancy in question that would be impossible. At least without potentially messing things up.
Luckily, he’s still close with his ex, who makes it a habit to pop by once a week to see the kids and afterwards, they always check in alone since Sirius takes Lily’s visits as an opportunity to take his own kids out alone and distract from the fact that his ex isn’t interested in doing the same.
Which is why he’s sitting out on the porch with Lily, a drink in hand and she’s smiling softly.
“So, something on your mind?”
James hums. “I am not sure … how to explain what’s going on with me.”
“Just… start talking… you’ll get there.”
James nods and begins with discussing the trip and the easiness with which they’ve blended the families. It’s not a surprise that their kids blend together easily since they’re best friends. Due to Lily’s friendship with Marlene, that hadn’t changed even if Marlene had been keeping them from Sirius.
He’s actually quite thrilled about it all. It would make things easier if they went the route of getting together.
Not that he thinks that’s going to happen, but it doesn’t hurt to dream.
“Even at the festival the other day, we took a family photo and the person taking it had made it clear that we’re a nice, blended family.”
“Well, the kids have always been close.” Lily hums. “Did they mention anything about you two?”
“They said we made a cute couple.”
James flushes. He liked that comment, it made him hopeful even if he knew it wasn’t to be.
“And how did that make you feel?”
James’ flush deepens. “Well, that’s sort-of what I wanted to talk to you about. I know that this might sound strange, but … I think I have feelings for Sirius, which is confusing…”
“How so?” Lily asks, not missing a beat.
“Well, he’s a man…”
“And?”
James blinks. “You don’t think that’s… weird? I have only ever been into birds.”
“And?” Lily repeats. “Just because you didn’t realize it before or maybe never let yourself imagine the possibility before doesn’t mean that you weren’t also into blokes.”
James frowns. “What makes you think that I’ve always also been into blokes?”
Lily smiles at him. “You were always able to acknowledge a man’s attractiveness whenever we went out in those early days. You were always checking out both men and women as well. Then there’s Sirius.”
“Sirius?”
Lily hums. “Marlene and I used to wonder if you two were closer than you said you were. You’ve always been a touch-feely bloke, but you’re particularly always hanging off of Sirius. You used to talk about how he was easily the most gorgeous bloke of our year, how amazing he was, the way you talked about him, I honestly thought you low-key fancied him.”
“I didn’t – until recently, I always thought…”
He trails off, he doesn’t know how to explain what he’d been thinking. Other than checking out an attractive man didn’t necessarily mean that he was into men – it was normal.
“I think I understand what you’re probably confused about,” Lily states. “It’s easy to be in – what some people call – default mode. Most people assume that other people are straight unless told otherwise, and it’s possible to assume the same thing about yourself if you’ve only ever been in a straight relationship. It’s easy to assume that being appreciative of someone that’s the same sex as you is just… normal…”
James’ brows furors. “You’re speaking from experience?”
“I’ve been dabbling a little bit, myself, yes. I wanted to tell you when I was sure about how I felt.”
“And?”
Lily smiles. “I’m happily bisexual. I met another woman and if we get serious, I’d love to introduce her to our kids, but that’s a long way off. Not like you and Sirius.”
James coughs. “I’m not even sure I like men, or I fancy Sirius…”
“Don’t lie to me now, James.”
“I’m not lying! I’m confused.”
Lily sighs. “Let me ask you this – how does being around Sirius, sharing a bed, waking up to him every morning make you feel?”
James shrugs. “I definitely missed cuddling with someone. I like the home-y situation we have going on. We blend together so well, you know? We were always great in school, and even better when we started our business, but now… it’s easy to imagine being married to him, you know? Which is completely … bonkers.”
“What makes it bonkers?”
“The obvious? He’s only my best mate. We’ve been friends for years and he’s not into men. I shouldn’t be imagining being married to him when I haven’t even kissed him!”
“Maybe you should fix that,” Lily suggests, a laugh on her lips.
James gives her a look. “And ruin my friendship with him?”
“I seriously doubt that’s going to happen,” Lily states. “Sirius is the type to let you down easy and just let it go.”
James hums. It’s true. Sirius likely wouldn’t punch him or anything, and he’d never give James up, so…
“I still can’t just kiss him and hope for the best.”
“Maybe you should try flirting with him, first?” Lily suggests. “He’s seen your terrible flirting with me, so it’s not like he wouldn’t know what you’re doing and maybe he’ll respond in kind.”
“I’m not a terrible flirt!”
“That’s what you took from that?” Lily demands.
James laughs. “No, but I’m defending my honor.”
“Hmm-mm, sure you are. Anyway, I should get going, but think about it.”
“I will, thanks.”
***
Sirius finds himself very confused a couple of weeks later.
He knows that it makes some sense for him to be interested in James. James has always been the man that always saw Sirius and not his name. He was the one that Sirius could always be himself with and still be loved. He was always there for him through everything and never digs in on him the way others sometimes do.
Then there’s the fact that James is, quite frankly, hot. Sure, Sirius never really found himself attracted to blokes before, but he’s always been an arse man and James’ arse is fire. It’s hot as hell, perfect despite the fact that he never works out. The man just naturally has an awesome arse that Sirius kind of wants to smack.
But it’s not just his arse.
James has been extra touchy and he’s not wearing a shirt most of the time which Sirius is surprised to find that he now finds that distracting, too. He never used to think about James’ chest before, but he’s got sculpted abs that he kind of wants to lick.
In fact, he spilled a drink down his chest and Sirius nearly offered to lick it off him. He barely remembered himself when James coughed and asked for a towel, with which Sirius helped pat him down wishing he was doing more.
It’s been so odd lusting after his best friend, and he’s not certain what this even means.
Is he gay? Bisexual? James-sexual?
That one makes the most sense.
James has always been a field of his own. He’s the one person that Sirius has always been the most comfortable with when it comes to casual touch and affection. He never hesitates to share with him and he knows that he’s not going to be judged.
He's an open book with James and that makes this whole… attraction thing makes sense.
Despite his … reputation, Sirius isn’t the easy lay the birds thought he was. He needed a connection before he’d get passed snogging which meant that aside from Marlene, he hadn’t actually allowed himself to make it further with anyone else.
He hadn’t even been attracted to too many of the birds that asked him out in school, too focused on James, but … that was normal.
This… this lusting after his best mate is completely new and makes him squirmy.
Which is why he’s taken to going on runs to distract himself. He had never been one for wanking, and he needs something to get his focus off James. Only problem is that it’s not quite working, he thinks as he trips and falls.
“You alright there?” a voice calls as he hits the ground hard.
Sirius groans as he sees an older gentleman make his way over to Sirius to help him up.
“Yeah, I just got distracted… well, I’ve been distracted…”
“Come with me, I’ll get your scrape cleaned up.”
Sirius tries to protest, but the man gives him a look that makes Sirius feel like a scolded little kid. “Alright, I suppose.”
It takes a few minutes before they’re settled in the older man’s kitchen where he begins to address the scrapes on Sirius’ knees. He knows that he can just heal it in a moment but there’s something nice about being taken care of, he never really had this when he was a kid.
“Name’s Spencer, by the way,” the man says as he starts to take care of Sirius’ knees.
“Sirius.”
“Like the star?”
Sirius hums. “Yes, the dog star.”
He chuckles at the inside joke that naturally the older man doesn’t get. The man gives him a confused look, but ignores the joke, and asks, “So, how does an experienced runner like you trip and fall like so?”
Sirius shrugs because he honestly doesn’t know how James could be so distracting. “I was distracted, I suppose. Lot on my mind.”
“Well, my husband used to tell me that I’m a great listener if you’d like to talk it out?”
Sirius hesitates. He’s never been one to share with people he doesn’t know, but this man hadn’t hesitated to share that he has – had? – a husband, so he could give some decent advice, maybe.
“Erm, it’s a bit … complicated.”
“Go on,” Spencer says as he moves to the seat across from Sirius, done cleaning him up.
“I used to be married to a woman.”
“I assumed so, I’ve seen you with your boyfriend and your kids. It’s easy to tell which are his and which are yours.”
Sirius flushes at the mention of James as his boyfriend. “He’s not my boyfriend, but… I think I want him to be.”
“You think?”
“Well, I – I’ve never … thought much about being with a bloke, let alone my best mate. I suppose, even in school, I just – birds asked me out and I …”
“… did what was expected of you?” Spencer suggests.
It hadn’t really occurred to Sirius that was what he was doing, but it feels… true in hindsight. He never noticed birds, but when they asked him out, he said yes because he was single, and their friends were always talking about how lucky he was to be a bird magnet. Late at night in their dorms, they’d talk about who they wanted and how far they’d gone, and if they’d marry them someday (James was the only one that really talked marriage, but he was always the one into commitment).
There was always this slight… pressure and assumption.
It was expected.
Just like being with Marlene had been expected, especially after he knocked her up, but the whole them dating thing had been partially because he saw how happy and settled James was and he wanted that, too.
Yet, he’d never been all that happy with Marlene even before she cheated and took his kids away. He always felt as if there were expectations – he’d proposed because he’d gotten her pregnant, then he had to be the ‘perfect’ husband, and he’d done his best, but… it was all so hard. Living with her, being around her, sharing with her… he always felt like there was something holding him back and now… maybe it’s this.
Maybe he’s gay.
That would make some sense. He always thought that he was being a good husband not looking at other women, but the fact is – he’s never been attracted to other women, although he could admire a nice arse.
And it wasn’t that he was attracted to men, either. At least, he didn’t think he was… until now.
He certainly can’t deny the attraction to James. James, a man. James, his best mate. James, his first real fancy?
It’s bonkers.
He shakes his head and looks at the waiting Spencer. “Yeah, yes. I think that I did what was expected of me… no one ever… offered an alternative to the white picket fence with a wife and a kid – kids.”
Spencer hums. “I remember that feeling. I thought I was straight for the longest time. Even got married, had kids. My wife was a wonderful woman, and she seemed to understand me better than I understood myself. She kept encouraging me to find myself. I was very reluctant…”
“Really?”
“Yes. It was … terrifying when I was your age. Things are changing now, but it can still be scary, and it was certainly something that wasn’t really accepted in that day and age.”
Sirius hadn’t even considered not being accepted. Even if he’s gay – and the word does sound right on his tongue – James would always accept him with or without them dating. He knows that.
“But you had a husband?”
“Hmm-mm. My wife passed – car accident. She left me a letter telling me that she wanted me to live my truth and be truly happy as I deserve. She’d been working up the courage to either – open our marriage or divorce – I think the kids were still too young for her to want to divorce when it happened. We truly loved each other, just not romantically.”
Sirius nods. “And then, you found that true love, huh?”
Spencer nods. “Yes, yes, I did. He was the man of my dreams, and he helped me accept myself, discover myself. It was liberating to find that love.”
Sirius ponders for a moment. “How’d you know he was interested?”
Spencer laughs. “Well, he was a terrible flirt, but there are signs even with closeted men. If you’re concerned about your boy – I’m sorry, friend – I’d say there’s nothing to worry about.”
Sirius laughs. “How do you even know?”
“I’ve been on this beach for years and I like to people watch,” Spencer explains. “You and your friend and your kids have been easy to watch since you’ve been here. It isn’t intentional, but I always enjoy helping others find their truths.”
Sirius nods. That made sense. It’s not like he’s been hiding his confusion or interests when James isn’t looking.
It wasn’t like he was hiding from anyone other than James, so it makes sense outsiders must notice.
“So, you know about me, but why do you think James is…”
“He’s been a terrible flirt, but I think it’s obvious that he’s flirting with you. Not just the way he’s affectionate with you, but every time you’re not looking, he’s looking at you with heart eyes.”
Sirius flushes, he really wants this to be true. “Really?”
“Yes, really.”
Sirius smiles. He’s definitely feeling better. Maybe he could let things move naturally with James. If something’s there and they’re both open to it… who knows where the summer will bring them?
“Thanks, Spencer. I should get going, but erm, maybe I could come back sometime?”
“Of course, you’re welcome anytime.”
“Thanks.”
***
In the coming days, Sirius begins noticing James’ terrible flirting more and more. Clearly, something has changed with them, and Sirius has just been too in his head to notice.
Which is why after putting the kids to bed and sitting out on the porch with their nightcaps, Sirius asks, “Do you ever think about dating, again?”
James nearly chokes on his drink. “Erm, well, yes, sometimes, why do you ask?”
Sirius shrugs, as if it doesn’t matter. “Well, it’s just that after everything I went through with Marlene, I never thought I’d ever want to give love another shot, but…”
“But?” James asks, and Sirius can see the hope in his eyes that he wouldn’t have noticed before his talk with Spencer.
“But now, with the right person, I think I could give it a chance.”
“The right person?” James questions, licking his lips. “Any ideas for who that might be?”
Sirius is having a little bit of fun noticing how interested James is in this conversation and doesn’t want to give it away just yet. It’s too fun.
“I’m not sure,” he teases. “What about you? Thoughts on dating someone else?”
James blushes. “Well, I’ve never been opposed to finding someone else. I know that Lily would want me to be happy and I’ve always been a romantic.”
Sirius hums. “You deserve to find love again, James.”
“You do, too.”
“Maybe, someday.”
“Yeah, someday.”
***
James has not stopped thinking about that conversation with Sirius.
Sirius has never once offered to talk about dating again. In fact, James had assumed that he had sworn himself to celibacy (hence, part of the reason his ‘terrible flirting’ hasn’t gone too far in case Lily’s wrong about Sirius’ interests).
Now, however, Sirius seems open.
Of course, he hasn’t said that he’s open to men, but he seems… to be open to the idea of something new.
The only problem is that James isn’t sure that he’d be interested in men or that just because he’s open doesn’t mean that he wants to get involved with someone right now.
Just because James is ready, doesn’t mean that Sirius is.
But then, when will he be ready?
These are the thoughts that plague him as he sits on the porch looking out at the beach party they’re having for Harry and Charlie. The kids’ birthdays are days apart, so they usually attempt a birthday party together. All of their friends from school are here (having used the floo) with some of their parents.
James has probably spent far too much time staring at Sirius to be of any real help to the party (which Sirius has fully taken charge of). Sirius clearly wants to prove that he can be a good father, especially since Marlene, Gideon and the new baby are here.
Marlene seems far more wrapped up in the new baby to notice, though.
It actually makes him want to try and get her to change the custody agreement because Sirius deserves better – even if he’s not into James, which James still doesn’t know, Sirius deserves the world.
Decided, he goes over to Marlene and joins the conversation with her and Lily. He’s quiet at first until Marlene asks Lily to get her a drink and once she’s gone she turns to James. “What do you want?”
“What makes you think I want anything? It’s been a while… maybe I just … missed my friend.”
Marlene scoffs. “Please. You’ve been pretty clear how much you don’t like me over the last half-a-decade.”
“Can you blame me?” James counters, dropping all pretenses. “You know that Sirius is a remarkable dad and you’ve taken his kids from him when he doesn’t deserve it.”
He expects her to counter with some claim that Sirius isn’t the amazing father that James think he is.
Instead, she says, “You don’t think I know that?”
“If you know, then why…?”
“Because he ruined my life,” Marlene states, vehemently. “He knocked me up and we were forced to get married –”
“That’s not his fault!”
“– and he’s gay,” Marlene finishes. “We never had a shot. I thought maybe fooling around with me and trying to date me meant that he was bi or something, but it was clear to me that he was always in love with you and it’s not fair that I was forced to marry him, that I had to deal with the fact that my husband wasn’t really into me. It’s a miracle that we managed to get it on enough to have Al, and I just think he did it to pass on his name. So, I want to punish him.”
James doesn’t even know where to begin with this nonsense. Whether or not Sirius is gay doesn’t warrant her behavior – punishing him because her parents forced them to get married? Is that why she cheated on him? Only did the divorce after her parents passed?
There’s so much wrong with … all of that, and James is… shocked.
Before he can even begin to form a response, Lily comes up with the drinks and says, “James, I need to talk to Marlene alone, I think Sirius was looking for some help getting more food.”
James doesn’t know if he should let Lily intervene, but he was angry. So, so angry and that wasn’t going to be good for the rest of the party, so he nods and goes to his best friend… he wants to make sure the party is the best party ever and just ignore the bitch’s presence.
He’s not going to let her ruin this.
***
Sirius finds himself sitting, shocked across from his ex-wife.
He’s not sure what happened – who said what – but she’s sitting here on the porch of James’ beach house, apologizing.
It’s not a true apology because she’s still putting the blame on him (‘why did you get involved with me when you’re gay?’) but it was an apology. An apology that would lead them to being a little more amicable. She admits that she has taken out her frustration at not being able to be loved the way she felt she was deserved but that she probably shouldn’t have taken it out on him.
“I appreciate your apology,” Sirius says. “But I didn’t – don’t know that I am gay. I never… let myself consider it. I just did what was expected of me.”
Marlene nods. “I realize that it might’ve been hard for you to realize it because of expectations. I – I can’t say that I think it was okay to just… date a bunch of birds because of expectations if you didn’t feel it, but … I’ve been told that it’s not just your fault, some things take time.”
“Told by who?”
“Lily kind of – she’s been talking to me of late, said something that I think I should keep to myself, but I want you to know that I’ve changed my mind on custody. 50-50, and I won’t hold you back anymore – in any way. With the kids or with another partner, whomever that may be.”
Sirius blinks. It’s as if she knows that Sirius might be into James and she’s … giving her blessing.
He doesn’t need it, of course. If he wants James, he wants James and that’s just… it but it’s nice to have, especially with the custody.
“And you’ll sign a document stating that?”
“Yes. I will.”
“Then… thanks, I appreciate that.”
“Good, then, I should get going.”
She leaves without another word, and he sits and ponders what just happened.
***
James knows (because Lily told him) that things have changed for Sirius. That Marlene’s going to stop her bitchy ways, and he’s going to have more than just the summer with his kids.
What he doesn’t know is if Sirius really is interested in him. He’d been thrown by Marlene’s claim that as teenagers Sirius had been in love with him.
He knows that’s not right. There’s just no way, but somehow, she thought there was?
Had he not been so focused on Lily would he have gotten with Sirius? Would he have wanted to? James wonders.
As he looks over at his kids splashing in the water once more, he knows that he absolutely wouldn’t want to live in a world without them. He loves his kids more than anything else and wouldn’t trade them for the world, but he does wonder, now, if there was a spark that they’d been ignoring.
Marlene seemed to think that Sirius had been pining for James all that time, and while James wouldn’t have wanted that for him, he still finds himself thinking about all those moments where something could have sparked.
Those moments seem so obvious now that he’s aware of his interests, but he knows that deep down, he wanted a family – Sirius, too – and it would been more difficult, so maybe this… was meant to be.
As long as he wasn’t torturing Sirius with undying pining while he was happily married to Lily… and of course, this is assuming that Marlene was right all along, and Sirius is even into him.
… and he’s still not sure how to go about determining if he is or isn’t into James.
He’ll have to find a way somehow.
***
“Hey, Sirius, can we ask you something?” Harry asks as Sirius peaks into Harry and Charlie’s room to tell them lights out in ten.
Harry and Charlie are sitting on Charlie’s bed, looking a little like they’re up to something. He and James had given them their Animagus journals (with the requirement that they don’t attempt it until they’re seventeen) for their birthdays, so he senses they might be angling for a ‘Sirius will let them do it’ as they think he’s the easier parent (he has been a little lax because of not really having custody until a week or so ago when Marlene adjusted the agreement). He’s still working his way into be less lax and this is one thing that he wouldn’t break on.
He enters the room and leans against the closed door. “We’re not changing the rule on when you can attempt being an Animagus.”
“Oh, that’s not it,” Charlie says.
“Alright then, what is it?”
They share a look, Harry says, “You should ask, he’s your dad.”
“Yeah, but we’re… just you should.”
He lets them counter back and forth for a moment before he finally says, “Whatever it is, either of you can always ask. So, just ask.”
They share a final look before Harry says, “How come you and dad haven’t told us you’re dating?”
“Yeah, it’s been weeks, we kind of thought you’d have already told us by now.”
Sirius doesn’t hide his shock.
“James and I aren’t dating.”
Charlie rolls her eyes. “You share a room.”
“Because there aren’t any other rooms,” Sirius counters, which he knows is weak with magic as a thing.
“And you’re always looking at each other like those lovesick kids in school,” Harry adds, looking mildly grossed out.
“I do not look at your dad like I am lovesick,” Sirius denies.
“Yeah, you do,” Charlie states with another roll of her eyes. “And you planned this whole ‘family’ vacation all summer and you act like co-parents better than you and mum anyway, and we’re supposed believe that you weren’t trying to like… ease us into you two dating?”
Sirius is genuinely confused. Their kids thought that this whole thing was because they were trying to “ease” them into them dating and Sirius didn’t even know that he’s gay until after they got here?
How had they seen what he hadn’t even known?
He coughs. “I – first off, James and I aren’t dating. We didn’t plan this to ease any of you into the idea of the two of us together. James just wanted to give us all a good holiday.”
They look skeptical, and he plows on.
“Now, since we have been here… I have discovered that I … do happen to fancy James, although I haven’t told him, but –”
“Why not?” Charlie pipes up.
“Why not, what?”
“Why haven’t you told dad that you fancy him?” Harry asks. “He clearly fancies you.”
“I wouldn’t say clearly,” Sirius counters, despite the flutter of in his stomach at the idea that James fancies him. “I haven’t been sure…”
“Come on, Sirius,” Harry says, rolling his eyes. “Weren’t you listening – you both make lovesick eyes at each other?”
“Not true.”
“Definitely true, dad. Only when the other isn’t looking, but like … come on.”
Sirius shakes his head. Their kids are little drama queens, thinking everything is so obvious. “Well, I – I suppose this means that you two would support us?”
“Of course!” “Naturally.”
Sirius nods. “Well, then… thank you for the support…”
“You should tell him.”
“… I will take that under advisement, now, you two need to go to bed.”
He opens the door and makes his way out with a quick goodnight.
***
“Everything, okay?” James asks as Sirius closes their teens’ door and rests against it with a sigh of relief. He looks a little shell-shocked and James can’t figure out why that would be the case coming out of their kids’ room.
Sirius looks at him and laughs.
“Our kids – at least the older ones – thought we were dating and that we brought them on this trip to ease them into the idea that we’re together.”
James can’t help the surprised chuckle that escapes him. “Excuse me?”
Sirius laughs. “Yeah – yeah. Apparently when we visited them together in Hogsmeade they thought we were together-together and that we planned to use this vacation to ease them into the idea.”
“What made them think that?”
“Something about always being together, sharing a room and co-parenting them?” he laughs again and then says, “Oh, and something about heart eyes?”
“Heart eyes?”
Sirius nods. “I guess we’ve both been looking at each with heart eyes when the other isn’t looking.”
“I don’t do heart eyes,” James denies.
“Oh, yes, you do. Haven’t seen them towards me, but I remember the way you used to look at Lily.”
“Yeah, well, you haven’t been looking,” James mutters looking away from him shaking his head. Then wonders out loud still muttering to himself, “How could our kids have suspected that we were dating when I didn’t even realize that I fancied you, yet?”
“So, you do fancy me?” Sirius questions, causing James to look up at him.
He hadn’t meant for Sirius to hear that, since he’d been muttering more to himself, but he can see the hopefulness in Sirius’ eyes and he’s glad he did.
“Yeah, Si. I do… fancy you.”
Sirius grins and moves into his space. He grabs his face, says, “I fancy you, too,” and then kisses James.
It’s wonderful, better than he’s been imagining when he’s thought about this over the last few weeks, and he doesn’t want it to end, unfortunately, they’re jarred apart by clapping.
They both look at the doorway to their teens’ bedroom where Harry and Charlie are smiling and clapping. “See! We told you.”
The kids are laughing while James and Sirius are shaking their heads. “Alright, you were right – now, go to bed.”
“Oh, come on!”
“It’s bedtime,” James states. “We’ll still be together in the morning.”
They huff but go back into their room still smiling.
James looks at Sirius and says, “Wanna have a nightcap tonight or… did you want to go snog in our room?”
Sirius grins. “Definitely snog.”
“Good.”
***
A year later, Sirius is standing in the beach house where he first kissed James, nervous. It’s their one-year anniversary of dating, and they’re getting married today.
Everything has been so amazing since James decided to invite him and his kids to the beach house last year and his discovery that he is gay, and James is bi and they could build a family together. Their kids are happy to be stepsiblings and Marlene and Lily were happy to let them have the kids at the same time so that they often have a full house with their five kids and their days without the kids were perfect for getting to know each other in the different way that they are to each other now after a decade and a half of friendship.
The change to their relationship had a learning curve, but it hadn’t been a surprised at the New Year when James proposed, and it’s no surprise that Sirius said yes on the condition that he becomes a Potter (later, he’d talk to Charlie and Al, who also wanted to change their names to Potter).
It’s been a run ride and unlike when he married Marlene, he’s not apprehensive at all.
He’s finally in love. He’s finally getting to choose who he’s marrying.
And he’s finally ready for a future … with the love of his life.
“Ready, Dad?” Charlie asks, as she approaches in her best-woman dress.
The two of them had decided to use Charlie and Harry as their best man/woman supports, Al as ringbearer, and the Alex and Aurora as flower girls.
“Yes, I am.”
She smiles and gives him a hug. “Then, let’s go – stepdad James is waiting for you.”
“Not playing run-away groom?” he jokes, though he knows that James absolutely wouldn’t.
“Definitely not.”
“Good.”
The music starts and she offers her arm to him, which he links his arm with hers as they start the walk down the aisle. He smiles at the people that they’re close with – it’s a small gathering, but the gathering includes his older gentleman friend, Spencer, who apparently knew about magic as he’d been friends with James’ father and that’s the reason that he actually knew them so well. He’d heard stories for ages about James and Sirius (and apparently, he wouldn’t have been surprised to see the two of them together).
It's nice to know that James’ parents would’ve been supportive.
By the time they reach a stunning James, Sirius can’t wait to get this wedding over because he wants to have his way with his husband for looking damn gorgeous in the most relax wedding outfit ever – short trousers and a bowtie… it had been a joke, but Sirius loves that it came to fruition because his future husband looks hot as hell.
He kisses Charlie’s cheek before nodding at Harry and linking his hands with James.
If he’s honest, the ceremony goes by in a blur as he’s completely lost staring into James’ eyes waiting for the amazing moment when he can kiss him, and they’ll be pronounced husbands.
In fact, he doesn’t even know what their vows were, too focused on James to hear what he’s saying. He speaks when he knows he’s supposed to and before he knows it:
“I now pronounce you husbands; you may kiss the groom.”
He leans forward and kisses James, mindful of the happy cheers, and finally, getting their happily ever after.