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He had always heard that scent was the sense most connected to memory, and while he had thought he understood what that meant, it was not until he stood there in that field of fresh cut hay that Raylan actually came to really know the meaning of it.
It prolly wasn't just the smell, but the way the hay mixed with the buzzing of the insects, the late afternoon sun warming his face like it had all those years ago in a spot not too far from here. They lay on the ground, the long grass by the road keeping them from view as they soaked in the feeling of being in each other's arms, sure that there was nothing in life that would ever be as good as things were in that very moment. A life unfolded from that single moment, a clear vision of what was to come, and it was them, together, till death do us part, even if it wasn't legal there yet, it had to be someday right?
They parted a heck of a lot sooner than death, and Raylan missed him, or maybe more than he missed him, he missed the idea of them and the life they had planned. Things happened, he knew that, understood that, and yet there were no opportunities for second chances like there had been between him and Winona.
That second chance had died the day after Raylan got into town at the hands of the woman standing beside him today, and while he had pushed the feelings down, pushed them away, all he could think about as he stood there was that he wished he hadn't hesitated. Raylan wished he hadn't hesitated when Bowman asked if he felt the same way, wished he hadn't hesitated to follow Bowman after he ran off, wished he hadn't hesitated to drive straight down to Harlan when he stepped off that plane in Lexington. Raylan did hesitate though, he went out for drinks with Art, got a motel room, and by the time he got to work the next morning there was no chance to say goodbye, no one last look.
People round here thought it was Tommy Bucks that had him all tore up, but it wasn't, it was mourning what could have been all while keeping a lid on it and not letting a soul know what had gone on. Raylan had wondered if Ava knew, if that was why she had thrown herself at him, and it was why he broke up with her, not being able to say anything, not knowing if she was doing it for the right reasons. Was she really that interested, or was she fawning? Did she want him to protect her, or was being with him what she thought she needed to do to be protected from Raylan’s anger?
He could never ask. That was the worst part of all of it, was that he could never talk about it. There wasn't nobody outside Harlan that would understand, could understand what it had been like growing up the way he did, and there wasn't anyone in Harlan that it was safe to talk about it with. Either they knew and they were keeping their mouth shut cause they didn't want to talk, or they didn't know and there was a good chance that Raylan would end up with a knuckle sandwich for his trouble.
Raylan had always though Boyd had suspected there was more to Bowman and Raylan's relationship than friendship, but if he hadn't, would Boyd be angry by the perceived slight against his brother? Would he be angry at Raylan for leaving Bowman to his fate?
Raylan's eyes felt like they were burning, and he blinked a few times, drawing in a shuddery breath, then let it out.
'You alright?" Ava asked, and he knew it wasn't concern he was hearing in her voice, and when he looked at her, her eyebrows scrunched, the thin line of her mouth, he wondered how he had ever thought it was a good idea to try and date her.
"I'm fine," he snapped, and she stepped back.
"I'm sorry, did I do something to upset you? Am I not cooperating enough for you, putting my life at risk to get you the evidence you need to put Boyd away?"
Raylan had had just enough, and he responded before he had a chance to think. "Do you wanna go back to prison?"
Ava paled, and he knew he had pushed too far, but he also knew that he had needed her to shut up before he said something else that he couldn’t' take back, something that would hurt the both of them a heck of a lot more than a threat.
"Sorry, it's just been a really long day. A long couple of days really, and I. Never mind," he said, and to his surprise, he felt Ava's hand on his arm.
Her face had gone soft, and know she really did look concerned, making him feel like even more a jackass that he did before.
"I miss Willa," he lied, and Ava stared blankly. Fuck, he hadn’t told her that the baby had been born. "My daughter," he clarified, and Ava's eyes widened. He'd told her about the baby, hadn’t he?
"You Raylan Givens are going to be a really good Daddy," Ava said, voice rough, and oh, yup, he could feel worse, cause there it was. Ava was comforting him, thinking he was missing his baby, when in reality what he was missing was the man who beat the shit out of her for the better part of a life sentence.
"They want me to stay till Boyd is caught," Raylan admitted, and that part was true.
Ava gave him a sad smile. "Then we'll just have to make sure he's caught then. So, you can go be a good Daddy to that little girl of yours, and I don't have to go back to jail."
"Exactly, now, where were we, I think you said something about Boyd having someone round?" Raylan said and Ava nodded.
Raylan turned away from the hay field, to listen to Ava properly. It didn't do well to dwell on dreams and forget to live, and it was high time he got himself to living.