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Tommy sat quietly at the bar, staring at the glass in front of him as if the contents inside would give him all of the unrealistic answers he was looking to find. The loud sounds surrounding him had gone quiet what felt like hours ago, his entire bundle of focus solely on the expensive drink that he hadn’t even touched since it was placed down in front of him. Yet, somehow, he heard the singular ring of the bell above the entrance of the building and waited a few seconds until someone familiar fell into the seat next to him with a grunt.
He could see the body raise an arm to signal the bartender, calling for a beer as they shuffled the stool a little closer to the counter top and threw their hand on Tommy’s shoulder with a heavy breath.
“Hey, man. Sorry I’m late, call went a little over.”
The pilot shook his head, sending Eddie a weak smile as he wrapped his hand around his whiskey just so he didn’t look as lost as he felt.
“It’s no problem, thanks for coming.”
“Of course, you call and I’m there. I mean, you’re dating my best friend, so it’s not like I have a choice.”
The joke sent a chuckle through his body, chest heaving under the soft pressure before the sound fell into a sigh and he leaned a little further against the bar. A small echo of awkward silence flooded through them and he didn’t know what to say until the beer dropped in front of Eddie and he watched him take a quick sip. As soon as glass hit wood he was turning, giving Tommy his full attention as his posture loosened and he leaned sideways with his elbow propped on the bar top.
“Okay, hit me.”
Tommy could only shrug, letting his finger scratch gently at the pattern in his glass, still refusing to look up.
“Come on man,” Eddie argued, fingers flexing around his beer bottle before tilting his head just enough to try and catch the blue eyes sitting next to him. “Talk to me, you know I’m here for you. Whatever you need to talk about, I got you.”
The words were intended to comfort him, but the weight of the implications had him shaking his head, a soft stinging in the back of his eyes despite the way he cursed himself to suck it up and keep his emotions in check.
In his army days he was trained for times like these, to not let himself show anything on his face even if his entire world was falling apart around him. The debris and ashes of everything he loved hitting the ground and promising nothing but destruction was not allowed to pull any emotion from his chest and it was mostly the reason why he had lost so many people in his life. He always tried to be strong, even when people told him he didn’t have to be, but every time he let a small part of himself go there were always repercussions and he didn’t know who to really trust.
His mind and soul was frankly exhausted and the fact that his heart was trying to settle down into a life here in Los Angeles was threatening his entire mentality. He couldn’t wear his heart on his sleeve and open up to people, he couldn’t seek therapy and tell someone what was going on in his head. There was no simple way to be frank with people when every single person he trusted had let him down one way or another.
It started with his childhood, the way his parents tried, but just couldn’t find the patience to raise and love a kid. His teachers couldn’t handle the aggression he adopted from said parents and everyone gave up on him before his life could even begin. Finding out he was gay was a slap in the face, he forced himself to date girls, but they always knew and he could never seem to give them the love and attention that they craved from him. His sports team had his back, but he could never tell them something like this, even the wide receiver who he couldn’t tear his eyes away from no matter how hard he tried. His first crush was not an easy one and by the time he got into high school he cut everyone off when he graduated and left high school with pretty much an empty list of contacts.
He was used to being alone, and he was okay with that, or that's what he told himself every time he thought he found a place that could finally accept him for who he was. He thought it was the army. Then he thought it was the 118. Now, he thinks it could be Harbor, he loves his team and the new version of the 118 were constantly calling him up and inviting him places to just hang out and talk.
It was getting difficult to accept and once he hit things off with Evan he felt the doubt clouding his brain like a heavy fog, trying to warn him that they were all going to leave if he didn’t get out now.
“Are you and Buck doing okay?”
He couldn't help but tense at the question, hearing a soft hmm in response. Before he could change his mind he pulled his drink into his lap, turning his stool so they were facing each other and keeping his gaze low.
“It’s not like that,” he argued gently, fingers fiddling with the glass as Eddie tilted his head and motioned him to continue. “I love Evan, and I want to be with him. I just feel like sometimes I might not be ready.”
“Why do you say that?”
“Because, no one has ever stayed before. I have never been able to give them what they've needed and they always end up hurt in the end. I don't know how to let myself trust someone that deeply without having those thoughts in the back of my head that we are eventually going to fall apart.”
The chuckle took him by surprise, gaze shooting upward in time to see Eddie taking another pull from his beer with a knowing grin painted across his face.
“What?”
The texan shook his head, swallowing down his sip before turning to place his drink back on the counter with a playful roll of his eyes.
“You know, I have been friends with Buck for almost 6 years now. We have been through life and death together and I have watched him struggle with everything from self-worth to relationships and everything in-between. And here, I never thought that when he found the person he would spend the rest of his life with, that they would have the same exact issues.”
Tommy scoffed, finally lifting his drink to take a small swig before opening his lips to argue the point, although shot down as Eddie continued.
“Don’t try and argue it, because I can only imagine what you will try to say. I can’t imagine it’s been easy for you, I can personally make some assumptions about the army, I have heard things from Hen and Chim about your days with Gerard. But, as someone who gave up what they had because they were terrified of messing it all up, don’t let yourself lose something great because of that self-doubt. Don’t let yourself lose everything before you can allow yourself to feel anything.”
Tommy found himself shutting his mouth, heart aching at the words as he struggled to form a sentence that explained the millions of thoughts that were running through his head. There was so much fear, so much heartache and he didn’t know how to simply get past that without hurting the people he loved in the process.
“Bobby told that to me a few years back, I joined a fighting ring and just about lost everything before a friend brought me to my senses. I wanted to be in control, I wanted to take charge of everything so I didn’t fall apart if I lost it. I took my anger out on my team, on my captain and on my son. I let people down who I cared about, I had let down Shannon long before we split. If I could turn around and change everything, I would in a heartbeat. I’d let myself feel that fear, turn it into words and just talk to her and tell her everything that I was scared of. Because at the end of the day Tommy, you are enough.”
He felt his head shoot up, neck threatening to snap at the way his eyes widened and his hand clenched tightly around the glass. Something in his chest stopped his heart from beating for a second too long and he forced himself to come across as nonchalant as he raised an eyebrow in Eddie’s direction.
“Eddie-”
“No, don’t give me that bullshit, man. You hold yourself back because you’re scared you aren’t enough to stick around for, but Buck loves you. Hell, the team loves you, we all talk about you all the time and we’ve seen a change in Buck that we never thought we’d get the chance to see. He is head over heels, infatuated and he trusts you. To earn his trust, it’s a privilege and you have earned that. So whatever you guys are arguing about, whatever has you here, pouting like he has been doing all week, you guys will work this out if you just be honest with him. Because you are enough for him and he is enough for you, and you guys will make it through whatever it is you’re struggling with.”
Tommy couldn’t help the way his hands shook, the stinging in the back of his eyes back in full force as he finally let his eyes lock with the brown ones across from him.
“How do you know it’s not my fault? How do you know I didn’t do something stupid?”
“Because, Buck has been researching the best apology gifts on google and he is not someone who backs down from a fight easily.”
Tommy couldn’t bite back his laugh, watching the grin on Eddie’s face grow as he rested his hand on his knee.
“Really?”
“Oh yeah, he’s stuck between peonies, hydrangeas and hyachyths. Didn’t peg you as the flower type, Kinard.”
The laughter didn’t stop there, at one point he had to place his drink back on the counter top and wipe the tears from his eyes as Eddie continued to drink his beer with that eternal smirk still riding across his lips.
“God, I love him,” he admitted, letting his laughter die down into a sigh as he squeezed his hand across his knee with a gentle shake of his head.
“I know.” Eddie replied, turning away to place his own bottle on the counter top and signal for another.
“I can’t imagine my life without him. He’s everything to me, and I want to spend my life with him.”
“So start there.”
“What do you mean?” He asked, feeling his head tilt which drew an eye roll from Eddie when he turned toward him at the question.
“You’re inheriting his puppy habits.”
“No, I’m not!” He argued, straightening his head back upward as the man across shrugged, pursing his lips as he reached out for the new beer being handed toward him by their bartender. She eyed Tommy’s glass, not bothering to ask him if he wanted something else as she walked away and Eddie sighed.
“He went to his sisters, although I told him to go to your place afterwards to talk to you. Which,” he paused, looking down at his watch with a raised eyebrow of his own, “he should be arriving at in thirty minutes.”
Before he could speak Eddie tilted his head toward the door, reaching for Tommy’s drink and sliding it toward himself. “I don’t know what you guys argued about, but just be honest and it’ll work itself out. Now go, don’t leave my best friend waiting.”
By the time he stepped up the pathway to his front door, he smiled at the way Evan stood there, clearly lost in thought and staring at the key in his hand silently. His fingers were fidgeting around it, like he was trying to make a decision as a small bouquet of blue hyacinths sat in his other hand drawing Eddie’s words back up in his head. He could feel the anxiety from where he was standing and let himself take a deep breath before continuing forward and clearing his throat gently.
His attempt at not startling his boyfriend flew out the window, the man turning with a surprised gasp and taking a step back before recognizing Tommy and settling almost immediately. The hand with the key was pressed against his chest, accompanied by a small blush that was growing steadily across his face as he realized he was busted.
“I uh, didn’t realize you weren’t home.”
“You thought I would ignore your knock?” He teased softly, slipping his hands in his pockets as the small blush on Evan’s face deepened.
“No, I hadn’t knocked yet. You usually keep your car in the garage so I assumed.” The hand on his chest moved to motion toward the garage his jeep was currently parked in front of, seeing Tommy’s truck off to the side and sighing in defeat.
“How long have you been standing there?” Tommy questioned, taking another step forward until they both were on the porch.
“About five minutes.”
“I see, why don’t you unlock the door and let us in.”
The younger man paused before nodding gently, body turning stiffly a few times before finally reaching down and slipping the front door open with a creak.
Tommy house was filled with DIY projects, it had been for years and over the last few months Evan had been helping him put things together to make the space more livable for the both of them. Their next project was the front porch, which included the door and fixing the way it constantly squeaked every time it was pushed open. His boyfriend claimed it was a great alarm for intruders, but Tommy had only scoffed before opening his phone and researching how to fix the door followed by paint color ideas.
They had just finished the entryway, and as they stepped inside he couldn’t help but smile at the way Evan placed the boquet down gently on the new entryway table they just bought last week.The plastic of the covering hit the wood with a soft crinkle as he dropped his key next to it and reached up to remove his jacket. Tommy couldn’t do anything but watch him, reaching for the coat when he was finished and hanging it on the hook before they removed their shoes and made their way deeper into the house.
“I didn’t think you had plans today,” Evan started, finding a spot at the kitchen island and slipping onto a stool. His feet planted themselves firmly on the ground, his eyes bouncing around the house as if he wasn’t here just a few days ago.
“I met up with Eddie, talked about a few things.”
“Oh,” he saw the surprise on his face, eyes finding the clock and probably realizing it hadn’t been that long since he had gotten off of shift. “What did you guys talk about?”
“You.” He admitted, catching Evan by surprise.
“Me?”
Tommy nodded, a small mhm passing his lips as he fell next to him, adjusting himself on the seat before letting his hand rest comfortingly on his boyfriend's knee. Neither of them said anything for a minute, Tommy sighing before reaching up and cradling the side of Evan’s jaw and making sure their gazes locked as he spoke.
“Sweetheart, I’m sorry.”
He tried to shake his head, but Tommy held tighter, ignoring the sound of disagreement and continuing on.
“No, I am. I shouldn’t have pulled away from you these last few days, I should have talked to you. I just have a lot of doubts- about myself, and I should have talked to you about them.”
“You don’t owe me anything-”
“But, I do,” he argued gently, letting his thumb caress the skin under Evan’s ear as he leaned forward to brush his lips in a kiss against his nose. “I want to spend my life with you, that means all of my goals and wants include you and what you think. You’re everything to me, and I am not used to people sticking around, so when you mentioned moving in together I got scared and I ran. That's not on you, that's on me. Because, you are it for me and I'm so tired of running from people, more than that I’m sick of letting you down. It’s just gonna be us from here on out, okay?”
He watched the face in front of him lighten up almost immediately, nuzzling into his palm and letting his fingers rise up to wrap themselves around Tommy’s wrist. The way he held on anchored them both, drawing him to pushing himself upward from the seat and pulling his boyfriend into a hug. Tommy held on tight enough that the pressure was beginning to dissipate the worst of his fears, lessening the load on his shoulders and drawing his own smile across his face as he buried his face in Evan’s curls. Despite everything they had yet to discuss, he felt himself calming down for the first time in years, feet scrambling to a halt somewhere he could just rest. All the heartache and stress he was bubbling inside was vanquished by hope and before he could change his mind he mumbled gently against the man’s scalp.
“Keep that key and move in with me.”
“Are you sure?” Was mumbled quietly into his chest, giving him an out that he knew he never wanted to take.
“Baby, I have never been so sure in my life.”
"Good, because I kind of didn't want to return it."