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Kei hates that grandfather clock.
He’s watching it now, cheek to his dinner table, sighing as each tick, tick, tick trickles into a murky headache. Its constant tuts emphasized the ugly quiet of the house, leaving Kei suffocating alone in the hollow halls. He scowls at the clock now, tutting right back at it.
Summer had only gone and burned right by, Kei’s days spent in his room and pointedly avoiding Akiteru. And now, middle school was glaring him down, ready to capture him in the same chimerical delusion that had swept up his brother.
Kei scoffs to himself. Absolutely freaking not.
He can hear his mother pace around upstairs, dutifully checking in on Akiteru, who was packing for university. They murmur every now and again, static hum to Kei’s ears. He doesn’t care what they’re nattering on about. He doesn’t care whether Akiteru’s in the house or not. He doesn’t care about anything.
And he’s made certain of this, careful to tear away the wretched claws of ardor. He tests himself everyday, just to be sure. Right from when he wakes up - Kei will stare down his rows of dinosaurs, conjuring boredom and forcing an association. Kei will chew sweets until only his teeth pang, the agony of cavities and dentist visits smothering any positive connotations. Kei will play volleyball with the neighborhood kids, yawning and rolling his eyes when he scores point after point, stamping out even the slightest scrap of joy when it alights.
He did try this with Yamaguchi. Ultimately, he was forced to devise a policy of ‘fake it anyway.’
As Kei has discovered, life is far easier when you don’t care. It doesn’t matter when he gets up or what he does or what he says to anybody, because he doesn’t care. And it especially doesn’t matter if it hurts sometimes, or if it keeps him at night, because ultimately, he will not care. It's simple. It's effective.
…it's limited.
Because soon he will start middle school. And soon he will have to care about a great myriad of assorted nonsense. Grades. Teachers. Other people. Yamaguchi will doubtless do his level best to establish a barrier between Kei and the rest of the world, but unfortunately, there was only so much he could do.
No matter. Kei has a plan. The clock clicks, its curiosity piqued.
“Mom?” Kei calls, scooting back from the dining table and stalking towards the stairs. His manner, his circumstances, they are all deliberate. She is far too busy, far too emotionally overwhelmed by Akiteru leaving - she will not carefully consider what Kei is about to say, and that’s exactly what Kei needs. “Mom!”
“What is it, Kei?” She sighs back, sounding exhausted. Perfect .
“Can I go to Yamaguchi’s?”
Had she been paying attention, she would’ve frowned to herself that it was too late in the night, that Kei could see him tomorrow instead. But she isn’t focused.
“Sure, sure, Kei. Akiteru, do you really need-”
Kei doesn’t care about whatever she says next. He hurries to exit the house - any extra second spent inside could compromise his plan.
In the bushes by his doorstep, his backpack awaits, bulging with food, supplies, and his trusty Walkman. He had thrown the bag from out his window earlier, careful to evade his mother’s notice. It weighs heavy on his thin shoulders, but he will be grateful to have these supplies, so he toughs it out.
Yamaguchi’s house is an inconspicuous destination, and not far at all. The ideal pit stop. Kei raps his knuckles on the door, knowing their doorbell doesn’t work. He waits for Yamaguchi’s soft steps to race over.
“Tsukki?!” Yamaguchi gasps when he opens the door, immediately lunging forward for a hug. Kei wouldn’t normally reciprocate with anything more than a gentle pat on the back, but the sudden affection stabs woozy drips of emotion into his heart - he swallows, gratefully threading his arms around Yamaguchi, his embrace tight. “What are you doing here so late?”
“Mom said I could stay over,” Kei lies. He will amend this with his mother in a moment, but for now, he just needs to form a solid alibi. “So. Let me in.”
Yamaguchi bites at his thumbnail, nervously looking back into the house. His mother is asleep on a recliner, a bottle swaddled next to her hip. He nods hurriedly. “Yes, please.”
“‘Please?’” He watches Yamaguchi fumble with the hem of shirt, awkward. Kei takes his shoes off, but is particular not to unlace them - he can’t risk the time that it would take to redo the knot. “Why are you saying please?”
“...I don’t like being alone with Mama when she’s like this.” Yamaguchi mumbles. He cheers up considerably when Kei loops their arms together. “But it’s okay now.”
Kei’s heart pangs, an ugly sensation. He grits his teeth and forces his expression to lay flat. It will be hard to leave Yamaguchi behind. He doubts he will ever find anyone like him, and Kei isn’t particularly interested in searching. But he supposes it’s a necessity. I'd better make the most of the next few hours.
“Tsukki?”
But it’s so difficult.
They’d only been up in the room for a few minutes, and Kei is growing more and more agonized. He stares at the wall, determinedly ignoring Yamaguchi’s insect encyclopedia, despite how cool it probably was. Beside him, he can feel Yamaguchi’s shoulders sag, heartbroken by Kei’s dismissal. It claws at Kei. But he must bear the weight. If he’s to run away, he cannot afford the capacity required to care.
“Tsukki…?” Yamaguchi bleats, voice sounding dangerously thick.
Kei sighs. Please don’t cry. “What?”
“You don’t look like you're having fun.” Yamaguchi shuts the book, the encyclopedia startlingly large against his short legs. Big wads of colored paper stick out from the pages, sticky-notes, likely the segments he’d been most excited to show Kei. He looked so small, so sad. But Kei will not care. “Do you want to do something else?”
“Yeah. I’m hungry,” He was going to have to rush his plan - Kei had known that spending his last moments in this town with Yamaguchi would hurt him, but he hadn’t expected to be left reeling so badly. “Can’t you get us something to eat?”
“Oh! That’s why you’re grumpy, right? You’re hungry?”
“Sure.”
“R-right.” Yamaguchi gets up, determined. “We- I don’t really think we have any food…”
“What? How can you not have food?”
“Mama’s been…well, I don’t know. She doesn’t really buy groceries much anymore. B-but!” Yamaguchi lugs the book to his shelf, struggling a little. Kei’s bones scream to help him, but he instead pulls at the carpet beneath his hands, adamant. “I think she has some, um- like, fast food and stuff in her room…?”
“Whatever. Go get me that.”
“Okay, Tsukki! Don’t worry!”
A little unideal, but Kei will make it work. He waits for Yamaguchi’s socked footsteps to patter far away enough, and then he makes a bolt for the stairs. Before he goes, he’s careful to shut the bathroom door in the hall, buying him a guise.
When he reaches the bottom, he catches sight of the telephone, black and shiny. Yamaguchi frequently calls his house, a bright note of novelty in his voice - he never gets the opportunity to use the phone, apparently, so he and Kei spend significant amounts of time chatting over it. Kei thumps his chest once before his heart can quiver at the memory, picking up the phone and dialling his own home number.
“Hello?”
“Hey, Mom.”
“Kei? What- oh, right.” Kei can imagine his mother consulting her watch, her eyebrows raising. “Oh dear…”
“Mom, is it okay if I stay at Yamaguchi’s for the night?” Kei eyes Yamaguchi’s mother, still passed out on the recliner. Apparently, at some point, the bottle by her hip had fallen down and shattered, but she hadn’t stirred in the slightest. “His mom said it’s fine if it’s okay with you.”
“Well, I wanted- oh, but I supposed you have to, given the time. Alright, Kei. You have extra stuff at their place already, don’t you?”
“Yeah.”
“Bye-bye, then, dear- oh? Hang on, Akiteru wants-”
Kei slams the phone down, a lot harder than he wanted to. He panically looks at Yamaguchi's mother, but she doesn’t even move.
“Tsukki?”
It’s Kei that moves, jumping at least a foot into the air. Yamaguchi stares at him, eyes wide, holding the promised paper bag of fast food.
“When did-?!”
“You told me your mom said you could sleep over…” Yamaguchi looks between the phone and Kei, his cowlick flicking apprehensively. “So why…?”
“Okay, you got me. I lied.” Kei hurries, anxious to keep his plan under wraps. “I really wanted to sleep over, but it’s late, so I just said I was coming over and waited until it was too dark for her to say no.”
He doesn’t mention the fact that he intends on running away in the middle of the night. Nobody needs to know that. But Yamaguchi seems to have some idea of Kei’s omission, eyeing him warily.
“Okay, Tsukki. I believe you.” Yamaguchi finally says. He gestures to the bag. “Are- are you still hungry?”
Kei knows that Yamaguchi doesn’t have much food. It would be wrong to take what little he has. But I’m going to need the extra calories for the road.
“...yeah. Let’s go back to your room.” Kei’s house would always be open to Yamaguchi. He will always have food, friends, company. He will be fine without this food. He will be fine without Kei. He’s probably even better off, Kei thinks sorely.
His hands are thick with grease, and Kei is especially careful to use napkins. It’s likely he won’t get a chance to wash his clothes anytime soon. Kei also makes certain that Yamaguchi is the one to have the fries, assuming the half-eaten burger for himself.
“You don’t normally like burgers, Tsukki.”
“I told you already. I’m hungry.”
An awkward silence shambles between them, and Kei lets it build up, an effective shield against Yamaguchi. God knows he needs it. He can’t even look the boy in the eyes.
Upon Yamaguchi’s last fry, Kei fake-yawns, hopeful that it will conjure a mimic one from Yamaguchi. It doesn’t. “I’m tired now.”
“Eh? But we always stay up-”
“I said I’m tired.” Kei snaps. “Let’s go to sleep.”
“Tsukki!” Yamaguchi whimpers, tears welling up. “You’re being such a jerk. I don’t get it! What’s wrong?”
Heaven help him, had Kei any less grit, he would’ve burst into tears and called off the whole thing. But fortunately, he whips his head away in time, managing to avoid looking at Yamaguchi’s face.
“Is- is it ‘cause of Mama? Is she creeping you out?”
“No, Yamaguchi.”
“Then,” Yamaguchi makes a terrible noise, the smallest little sob. “Is it…is it me, Tsukki?”
“No!”
“Then what is it?”
“It’s-” Kei can’t keep his affect flat, can’t still his face, can’t stop himself from turning around to look at Yamaguchi. The moment he sees his bowed head, his heart gives. He gently shuffles over on his knees, grabbing hold of Yamaguchi, cheek pressed to his shaggy hair. “Look, if I tell you, you have to promise to keep it a secret.”
“I promise!”
“Like- like, seriously , okay?”
“Of course!” Yamaguchi blinks up at him, lash-line watery. “You can tell me anything, Tsukki, I swear!”
Generally, Kei wouldn’t doubt that for a second. But this is a major risk. Yamaguchi definitely wouldn’t let Kei leave without any lingering threads. That’s why Kei had planned to wait for Yamaguchi to sleep before he snuck out of the house - nobody would realize he was missing until the next morning. It was genius. But he hasn't perfected his indifference yet, and he can't bear to shatter Yamaguchi’s heart so blatantly.
“...okay.” Kei takes a deep breath, taking Yamaguchi by the shoulders. “I’m…I’m going to run away tonight.”
“What?”
“I brought enough money for the train,” Kei goes on, his hold on Yamaguchi tightening briefly. “I’m gonna get off at the last stop. And I’m going to do whatever I want for the rest of my life.”
“But-” Yamaguchi’s lip quivers. “But won’t you be cold? Hungry?”
“I’ll be fine.”
“But won’t you be sad?”
“I don’t get sad.”
“But- but-” Tears spill, inevitable. They glimmer down Yamaguchi’s freckles. Kei curses to himself. “But won’t you be lonely, Tsukki?”
“I don’t care about that. And neither should you.” Kei shakes Yamaguchi a little. “Now, you have to swear up and down that you won’t say anything. Okay?”
“...okay, Tsukki.”
“Good. Because-”
“Because I’m coming with you!” Yamaguchi suddenly decides, bolting up and darting around his room. He flings his school bag open and begins shoveling assorted item into it. Kei doesn’t respond for a beat, bewildered.
“What are you talking about?” He finally manages, moving to try and stop Yamaguchi. His efforts are inane. “No way!”
“Yes way!” Yamaguchi ducks under his dresser, sliding out a shoebox. He takes out a few sad bills, shoving them into a pocket on his backpack. “You’re totally crazy if you think I’m gonna let you go on your own.”
“Yamaguchi, stop being ridiculous,” Kei tries, but Yamaguchi has already determinedly zipped up his bag, shoulders square as he stares Kei down. He looks surprisingly indignant for someone with tear-tracks down their face. “You are not-”
“Tsukki, if you go, I don’t have anyone.” Yamaguchi protests. He clings to Kei’s middle, eyes big and devastating. Kei can’t possibly muster a response. “And I know if you go, you don’t have anyone either! I can’t let you be alone, Tsukki, I won’t! I won’t, I won’t, I won’t-!”
“Okay! Jeez!” Kei shoves him off before tears can catch up to him too. Scarily enough, with every idle moment, regret creeps into his head, even though he hasn’t even run away yet. He doesn’t want to stop and think. He doesn’t want to care. He doesn’t want to dwell on anything. He just wants to be at peace. “Fine, come with me. But we’re going now. I don’t wanna wait another second, okay?”
Yamaguchi nods loyally, stalwart. “Okay!”
It’s almost depressingly easy for the two of them to shuffle past Yamaguchi’s mother, Kei’s bag back on his shoulders and shoes slipped back on. They leave from the backyard, stirring through the moon-swathed sidewalks and carefully avoiding the street lamps. Yamaguchi gives Kei a brave smile every time he looks over, but from the corner of his eyes, he can see Yamaguchi droop with anxiety.
“It’s dark, isn’t it?” Kei murmurs.
“Uh-huh.”
“Probably a lot of scary people out right now.”
Yamaguchi shivers. “Mhm.”
Kei holds out his hand, to which Yamaguchi gratefully clasps it. If Kei’s hands are hideously sweaty, neither of them breathe a word of it.
The train station is eerily quiet, barren platforms dotted with stray attendants peering oddly at them. Kei and Yamaguchi sit with chins high and defiant, though they are shivering together in the cold, knobby knees knocking together. The light from the vending machine beside them flickers.
“Hey,” Kei says through gritted teeth, chalking up their chatter to the cold. “Do you want something from the machine?”
“I-Is there anything warm?” Yamaguchi mumbles back, burrowing his cheek into Kei’s thick hoodie sleeves. In lieu of disturbing Yamaguchi, Kei leans forward awkwardly, cataloging the machine as best as he could. Unfortunately, hyper-sugary drinks and thick bounds of chocolate and lukewarm water are all that this machine beheld.
Perhaps - if this had been a normal excursion - Kei would’ve braved the trip to the nearby café and squared his bony shoulders and scrunched up his slightly-sideways nose and spoke in his most depressing monotone. He could picture it, his indifference so palpable that everyone, everyone, just left him alone to do as he pleased.
But as soon as Kei catches himself fantasizing, he shuts his reverie down. Immediately. It is far too risky to waddle up to a barista in the middle of the night; she could very well call his mother, perhaps even the police. He shakes his head at Yamaguchi, and when Yamaguchi shudders out a sad sigh, Kei loops an arm around him.
“The train will be warm,” Kei reassures.
This was not true. Kei isn’t sure how he hadn’t noticed before, but the bitter metal on the train seats screeches with freeze, the cold biting the backs of their thighs and making them tremble. Because it is the cold that is making them shake. Yes. The cold.
Yamaguchi, bless him, does his level best. Kei watches him grip at the hem of his shorts, lips clamped down, trying to force himself not to shake for the benefit of Kei.
“Curl up,” Kei orders, patting his lap. “If you keep your legs on the fabric part of the seat, it won’t be as cold.”
They tuck their backpacks between them, and Yamaguchi languishes his head unto Kei’s lap, arms draped around one of his knees. Kei strokes his hair to soothe Yamaguchi. If it happens to soothe Kei too, that’s a lie. Because Kei does not need soothing. Because Kei is not stressed. Because Kei does not care.
But his eyes warily scoot up and down the train map in front of them. The names are unfamiliar to him - he rarely took the train for anywhere further than a few stops, and he was always accompanied with his family. He often kept his neck craned to a window, music blaring, indifferent to whenever or wherever they stopped. Kei longs for this indifference now, but he doesn’t want to waste the batteries on his Walkman.
“We’ll get off at the last stop, okay?” Kei says, more so for his own benefit.
“‘Kay, Tsukki…” Yamaguchi drawls, exhaustion cooing to him. For a beat, Kei contemplates jogging his knee to wake Yamaguchi up. He doesn’t want to be alone.
But no. He does not care. He doesn’t. He mustn't. Kei thumps his head gently against the back of the chair, muttering to himself.
He can’t recall when he also drifts to sleep, but it clearly happens, because soon Kei startles awake. Briefly, his recollection escapes him, and ugly panic clogs at his throat, up until he feels Yamaguchi shift against his leg. Kei pets at his lanky hair, breathing hard. He resents how his immediate desire was to go home. He resents how much he regrets this already. I haven’t even made it.
Wait. Have they? Kei squints at the train map. They weren’t quite at the last stop, but they were getting close. And, when Kei looked outside, his surroundings were definitively foreign, long stretches of corn fields and bizarre lollops of hay bales cutting into the lapis skyline. Kei consults his watch, heart dropping he realizes they are in the early A.M.’s. And they are alone. And they are hungry. And they- and Yamaguchi was scared.
“Yamaguchi,” Kei hisses urgently, rocking Yamaguchi’s head on his knee. Yamaguchi burbles awake, a flower patch of drool blooming on the cotton of Kei’s sweatpants. “Come on, Yamaguchi, we gotta go.”
“We’re here?” Yamaguchi shivers as he sits up. Kei pinches both of his freckled cheeks, hoping to force some warmth. “Where are we, Tsukki?”
“Dunno. Don’t care. Let’s go.”
When the train stops, Kei and Yamaguchi step off, clutching their bag straps determinedly. But their spirits, which had only risen by fragments at best, fell right back apart when they saw their surroundings.
Because it’s all so barren.
Seriously. The platform they’re standing on (which is an old, wooden thing that complained against even their measly weight) was the only form of architecture for miles. Everything else within their perceivable vicinity is just tall grass, tall corn fields, tall sunflowers. There aren’t even any cell towers, any trees, any form of cover - just the expanse of the sky above them, strings of stars twinkling high and the moon scoffing at their tiny limbs.
Kei doesn’t know what to do, shaking. The crickets tick, tick, tick at him.
Yamaguchi has to jog his elbow to catch his attention over the roar in his ears. Kei barely moves his head, glancing side-long at him. “What?”
“There’s- there’s, um-” Yamaguchi points to beyond the platform, to which Kei can vaguely make out a dirt road, scarred deep with tire-tracks. Ashy ones. Not promising. “We- how about we walk down that until we find somewhere to stay for the night?”
There’s nothing freaking here, Kei wants to scream back. But that would imply that he cared. And he doesn’t. So what if they have to walk for a bit? They’ve successfully run away. And now, there’s nobody around to bother him.
He laces his fingers with Yamaguchi’s. Nobody annoying, anyway.
The tall walls of corn and wheat beside them offer hesitant shields, blond barriers between the two boys and the rest of the world. They acted as blinders, the eerie threats of empty fields negated.
“Look how pretty the sky is out here, Tsukki.” Yamaguchi swings their hands, oohing and ahhing at the pulsing nebula, head craning all around to take it in. “There’s soo many stars!”
“Well, duh. Space is infinite.”
“Sure, but you wanna know something cool, Tsukki?” Yamaguchi grins, twinkling. “There are more trees on Earth than stars in our Milky Way!”
Surely not. Surely, there was more out there.
“Tsukki?”
“Huh? Oh, yeah. That’s pretty interesting.”
There was something Kei wasn’t seeing, right? There was more to life than this forever-mediocrity, wasn’t there?
“And- and all the stars we can see are brighter than our Sun!” Spurred by Kei’s ‘enthusiastic’ response, Yamaguchi continues to babble on, desperate to cheer him up. “All the black space up there actually has stars too, but they’re just too small for us to see.”
But the visible stars were so small. So boring. There had to be bigger ones, brighter ones. There had to.
“And we’re all made of the same stuff stars are made of. So we’re technically stars, Tsukki!”
No. Kei is boring. People are boring. The stars are cool. There was something else magical, something Kei had yet to discover. There had to be, because otherwise, that meant that Kei was running towards nothing.
Yamaguchi giggles, suddenly tugging at Kei’s arm. “Give me your hands, Tsukki!”
Kei doesn’t just give his hands. He clutches at Yamaguchi suddenly, gripping tight.
“Tell me another fact. Please.”
A little taken aback by his desperation, Yamaguchi stammers, but he nods hurriedly. “I-I’m about to! Don’t worry, Tsukki!”
Slowly, he begins to spin them around. Kei tries not to feel sick, squeezing his eyes shut. He can feel Yamaguchi smiling - it glimmers in the edges of his eyes, golden.
“So! What we’re doing right now!” Yamaguchi yells as they twirl around. His voice sounds out loudly in the vacant space. “We’re being binary stars! That’s when two stars revolve around the same thing - a barycenter!”
No. Kei revolves around nothing. Yamaguchi must be spinning around something else. He has to. He just has to.
Their palms slip dangerously, and Kei’s head flickers, warnings of supernova throbbing in his forehead. “Okay.”
Yamaguchi’s laughter is a delight. It’s too bad that it can’t seem to reach Kei, bounding around him like an echo in a ravine. He catches whispers of it, but they can’t cling right, not when Kei’s head ached like this. There has to be a discernible goal. There is something Kei is striving for, reaching for, that he is only subconsciously aware of.
He is not just aimlessly orbiting. He can’t be. The stars twinkle to him, call to him. They have something to say to him, something to re-introduce purpose in his life.
“And stars don’t really twinkle!” Yamaguchi continues. They’ve stopped spinning, but Kei still stumbles around. “It’s ‘cause our atmosphere makes them funny to look at. If we were up there, they wouldn’t twinkle at all.”
Kei’s steps were very loud to him now. His breathing, insecure, begins to rush slightly. He feels like throwing up.
“Tsukki? Tsukki, wouldn’t that be cool? If we could go up to space and see the stars properly?” Kei is not stumbling around. Yamaguchi is holding him steady, but Kei still sways uncertainly.
“So cool…” Kei pants, looking up. This was a mistake. He can’t stop teetering back, drawling his head back, trying to cram the entirety of the sky into his field of vision. Maybe, if he sees it all for himself, he can find something to get excited about. A reason to care. A goal to move towards.
He doesn’t register that he’s hit the ground until Yamaguchi’s panicked face floats into view, teary-eyed.
“Tsukki! Tsukki, are you okay?”
“Just fine.”
“No, you’re not!” Yamaguchi puts his hand to Kei’s cheek. “Oh, Jeez, I hope you’re not sick - we can’t afford any medicine…”
Why did he run away? Why was he still caring about stupid things? How far did he have to go before he could find a discernible reason to care?
“But- I can always s-steal some. I know it’s wrong, but if it’s for you, Tsukki-”
…how far did he have to go until it felt safe to care?
Ah.
Kei’s breaths come in shudders, denial finally shattering, floodgates streaming in thrashful currents. It’s so scary to care. It’s so painful to care.
“Tsukki!” Yamaguchi gasps when he sees little tears finally tiptoe down Kei’s face. As best as he can, Yamaguchi shucks off his backpack and lays beside Kei on the dirt road, rubbing his cheek against Kei’s. He gives him a timid peck, but Kei just whimpers sadly. “Tsukki, what’s wrong? Please talk to me.”
“Why do I do this to you?” Kei croaks. The stars observe him with silent wonder, equally confused.
“Do what?”
“You shouldn’t have come with me.”
Silence. Yamaguchi quietly looms his arms around Kei, cuddling into his side. “W-well, Tsukki...I didn’t…I didn’t really think this was a good idea. But I didn’t want you to go alone.”
There you have it. Yamaguchi cared, and Yamaguchi got hurt. Argo, no sense in caring.
Kei bashes the heel of his wrist against his forehead. So why was he still searching for a reason?
“Don’t do that, Tsukki,” Yamaguchi puts his hand to Kei’s head, obstructing the senseless barrage.
“This was so dumb.” Kei groans.
“No it wasn't!” Yamaguchi turns to lay properly on his back, gesturing wide to the sky. The stars seem surprised to have his attention again, and they flutter appropriately, blushing. “‘Cause we wouldn’t have seen all of this if we didn’t. And- and this is all so cool, Tsukki!”
“It isn’t.”
“It is!”
“It isn’t!” Kei yells, grabbing at his hair, rucking his glasses up. Sobs freely escape him, but he can’t do anything about it. “It’s not cool!”
“Tsu-”
“Caring hurts,” He looks desperately at Yamaguchi. “And it’s so dumb. And it’s so stupid, and it makes you do stupid things!”
As he weeps, Yamaguchi holds him tight, watching Kei anxiously. Snot clogs all down Kei’s face, sticking to his teeth. He wipes harshly with his hoodie sleeve, skin protesting at the burn.
“This whole thing was stupid. I thought- I thought maybe, if I could just get away from everything, it wouldn’t hurt anymore. But-” Kei is the problem. He must be. He is faulty. And nobody can fix it.
But Kei can’t say it aloud. He continues to sob.
At some point, Yamaguchi puts his head back on Kei’s shoulder, listening quietly. His presence breathes soothe all through Kei’s blood. His sobs fall away to little sniffles.
The crickets whisper. The stars stare at one another, wide-eyed. The fields stop rustling, every grain braced still, wondering what to do.
“Is…is this about Akiteru…?” Yamaguchi says, deathly quiet, as if it would disturb Kei further.
“No.” Kei hisses fiercely, but he supposes he isn’t very convincing. Yamaguchi picks at his nail beds, thinking.
“...I don’t like it when Mama drinks.” Yamaguchi finally breathes. “I don’t like it, ‘cause she ignores me. And then I'm alone. And I get scared.”
He turns a little on Kei’s shoulder, not-so-discreetly wiping his own sodden eyes. “I don’t- I don’t like being scared, Tsukki.”
Understandable. Kei fails to understand his point, continuing to glare at the sky.
“But I still care about her.”
The words breathe life back into the fields. The crickets jump all around, chirruping. The corn brush against each other, discontented. The stars gasp, a few stray ones shooting across the sky, desperate to tip closer to their atmosphere.
“That’s pretty stupid, isn’t it?” Yamaguchi sniffs sadly. “She scares me all the time, and she drinks and sleeps all day, and I don’t like her one bit. But I still care about her.”
“But why?”
“I-I dunno, Tsukki. I don’t think we really need a reason.”
…hm.
It’s food for thought. It’s certainly better than running around in frantic, sniveling circles. Kei mulls the words over, humming.
“And- Akiteru lied. And it was dumb for him to do. And,” Yamaguchi clings to Kei. “And it hurt you. And I think he’s hurt, too. But- but isn’t that ‘cause you both care about each other?”
“Hmph”
“I don’t think it’s dumb to care, Tsukki. I-I mean, it hurts sometimes, yeah, but…”
He brushes his cheek against Kei’s again, guiding their eyes to meet.
“Doesn’t it also sometimes feel nice?” Yamaguchi murmurs.
The sky glories in his words, stars racing all across the purpurescent nova, sparkling brightly. Kei isn’t looking at them, but they shimmer in Yamaguchi’s eyes, dappling, stellar nucleosynthesis. They seem to forever burn, civil twilight pouring into black holes and starry adornments clinging to his lashes. Braced upon Kei, Yamaguchi’s pupils spin into tunnel vision - they pulsed and swelled, taking in all of Kei, endlessly appreciating him.
And then Yamaguchi smiles. And oh, it singes thick asteroids through Kei’s skin, sparking crystalline meteor dust and enshrouding them in their very own solar system. The dull haze of Kei’s vision bursts into a vibrant torrent of absolute chroma, obscuring the monochromacy of the world he thought he knew - a world defined by phlegmatic acumen, complete apathy, and a redundant spectra of greys, of silvers, of ash. Kei burns, captured by Yamaguchi’s orbit.
No. Their orbit. Yamaguchi threads their hands together, and Kei finally breathes out, a bashful smile waxing full upon him.
“Thanks.” Kei whispers. He doesn’t say more. He is certain Yamaguchi could feel the warm swoon of gratitude encircling them, a new layer to their atmosphere.
“Of course, Tsukki.” Yamaguchi whispers back.
“Oh my God!”
Bright headlights grabbed at the tops of their heads, making Kei and Yamaguchi startle to sit up. A dusty red car glares them down, a silhouette rushing out from the side. A skinny silhouette. With Kei’s gait and Kei’s eyes and Kei’s frame-
Oh.
“Oh, thank God!” Akiteru cries, immediately dropping to his knees and scooping the both of them into a tight hug. He really is crying, shoulders shaking hard. “I saw you two laying on the ground- and- oh my God, you looked-”
“We’re fine.” Kei cuts him off. He hugs him back, an odd sensation, unusual to them both. It startles Akiteru for a moment, but he instinctively clasps the two of them tighter.
“Akiteru!” Yamaguchi warbles, sobbing hard. “I’m- so- sorry!”
“Breathe, Yamaguchi.” Kei mutters to him, leaning his head close. The interaction seems to snap Akiteru out of his grateful stupor - he whips back, shaking both boys by their arms.
“You two! What the hell are you playing at?!” Akiteru yells, panic scorching his eyes to a harsh umber. Kei could practically smell the smoke billowing from him. “You know Mom damn near had a heart attack when she realized you guys were gone?!”
Kei wrings his hands. It hurts. Everyone’s hurt. But that’s not entirely stupid. He manages a heavy breath.
“...how did Mom know?”
“She changed her mind about you staying the night, and went to pick you up, you daft banana.” Akiteru helps the both of them to their feet, picking up both their backpacks, his head shaking disapprovingly. “Can you imagine how she reacted when Yamaguchi’s mom hadn’t even realized you’d been at their house? Much less when they realized that neither of you were even there?”
“I’m sorry-” Yamaguchi coughs, mucus caught in his throat. Kei gently pats him on the back. “I’m s-sorry, Akiteru.”
“But still, how’d you find us?”
“I drove all around town, asking anyone and everyone who happened to be out if they’d seen you two. The girl who works at the train station café told me you’d been there,” Akiteru rants, dumping their backpacks into the trunk of his car. “And then I had to beg security up and down to figure out where you two got off. And then I had to drive here myself, because there weren’t any more trains, and then-”
“Okay, okay,” Kei kicks at the ground, hands shoved into his pockets. “We get it.”
“No, you don’t! Kei, I-”
“I’m sorry.” Kei can feel Yamaguchi leaning on his arm, murmuring quiet encouragement. “I-I just got sick of home. This was stupid and I scared everyone and I won’t do it again. Okay?”
“Sick of home?” Akiteru’s expression gives way to a pained grimace. “...ah.”
“But-” Yamaguchi shoves Kei a little, urging him onward. “But I don’t want to be, Akiteru.”
Kei takes a few steps forward, unable to tear his gaze from the floor. He can feel tears slip down his face again. “I don’t- I really missed you, Akiteru.”
“Oh, for God’s sake,” But Akiteru’s freely weeping now, grabbing the two boys and hugging them tight again. Yamaguchi bounds forward to meet him half-way, tugging Kei along. “I’m sorry, too. And I’ve missed you both double, triple, quadruple times more.”
“What about quintuple?” Kei says.
“Infinity!”
“But infinity means the really, really small numbers too.” Yamaguchi agonizes.
“The big numbers only, I promise.” Akiteru lugs the two of them up with startling ease, trundling them into the backseat of the car. “You two are totally bonkers, you know that?”
“Just shut up and drive us home.” Kei muttered, headache thumping badly. Yamaguchi sympathetically rested their temples together.
“Aha! Kei's back! I suppose you wouldn’t appreciate it if I swerved around here?” Akiteru grins at the rearview mirror. “It’s a dirt road - it’d be totally legal!”
“Don’t!” But Kei can’t help and grin too. Yamaguchi beams at them both. He parts his mouth to perhaps say something, but a yawn intercepts him.
“Yeah, try and get the sleep you can. It’s way past both your bedtimes.” Akiteru tuts. “Plus, Mom probably won’t yell if you look all sleepy and cute.”
“'m not cute.” Kei mumbles. He tucks his legs up, burrowing into Yamaguchi’s side, chin tucked over his skinny shoulder. “Right, Yamaguchi?”
“Wrong.” Yamaguchi giggles. As the car hums on, Kei finds himself slipping on the car seat, position lightly awkward. But Yamaguchi quickly spins his arms around Kei, keeping them safe and sound in their own lazy orbit.