Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

That's the thing. You have joy. You are happy.

But you're in pain. In agony. In despair.

The positives are something you can acquire, like an object. Negatives are something you drown in, something you can't escape no matter how hard you try.

In love.

When he finally manages to pick himself off the kitchen floor he decides to visit the only person besides Yeosang and San, that he feels comfortable enough around. He does the whole half hour walk in the hopes it'll clear his head. It does not. Clad in only his pyjamas, shivering himself dizzy as his fluffy socks get soaked through by the icy rain still staining the pavement. He hasn't got his phone, his cigarettes, his shoes, his anything. Nothing but a thin sweater, fluffy socks Yeosang gifted him years ago, and flannel pants as he wanders further into the rich neighbourhood, watching the houses grow bigger with every step forward. It's an unusually cold spring so far.

By the time he arrives at Jongho's place, the man has already seen him coming through the window. He's opening the front door just as Wooyoung's trembling body carries itself up the stone steps. "Hi." His lips tug up into a shaky smile, arms wrapped around his own torso. The joyous gesture would look unconvincing even if he hadn't had snot and tears running down his face.

"Jesus Christ-" Jongho looks proper concerned for him, which means it must be really bad. "What is your problem? Where are your shoes? And your coat!?"

He struggles to stop his teeth from clattering as he tries to formulate a response. "F-forgot. It's o-o-okay."

"Your lips are blue, Wooyoung." Jongho pulls him inside with one strong arm, almost sending Wooyoung slipping on the marble flooring. He really takes him in then, now that he's not out in the dark. And notices the bloodshot eyes, the teary cheeks, his lips nearly bitten raw. "What happened?"

"I-" Wooyoung cuts himself off with a sob, falling into Jongho's arms the second the younger opens them for him. It seems to Wooyoung he's not the only one that grew more comfortable around Jongho, but that it works the other way around as well. Nowadays he's quick to offer physical comfort whenever he senses Wooyoung must need it. He grabs Wooyoung's hands and slides them under his hoodie, letting them grab onto his waist. They're so cold against his skin it nearly hurts but Wooyoung's body seems to let go of some tension immediately as he gets to warm up his hands on Jongho freakishly hot skin.

"Take your time." Jongho grits out as the hands slide over his back, feeling his muscles contract at the freezing digits. "Just calm down first."

He tries, he really does. Warming up does him well already, but nothing to ease his heart and mind. "San..." he trails off.

"Ah." Jongho seems to understand a bit better then. "Want some tea? Some water?"

"Some vodka would be great."

"Tea or water?" Jongho asks again in a wordless dismissal. Probably for the best.

"No thanks."

Jongho sighs, "lets sit down. I'll make you some tea."

Wooyoung nods jerkily, still shaking as he pulls away from Jongho's body, shuffling over to the living room on autopilot. He lets himself fall onto the couch, curling up into a ball for however long it takes for Jongho to make him tea and return to the living room. He holds it out for Wooyoung to take but settles for leaving it on the coffee table instead after twenty seconds of Wooyoung making absolutely no move to take it from him.

Jongho sighs again, like he's disappointed. "What happened, hyung?"

He stares ahead of himself at Jongho's thighs where the man is stood before him. "He told me he loves me."

"Well I could've told you that, you must've known this."

Wooyoung rolls his eyes and finally sits up, making some space for Jongho to sit down next to him. He picks up the cup of tea mainly as a means to warm up his still trembling hands. "Fuck you."

"Alright, you too." Jongho lays back against the armrest, eyeing him up and down. "And now what? What did you tell him?"

"Nothing, I told him to leave. Now I'm here."

"You didn't say it back?"

"No, I didn't. Because I don't."

"Okay, Wooyoung. I know you're a bit dense." Jongho states it as a fact more than an insult, like he's not trying to be mean, just telling it as it is. He may be right. "You might not realise you're in love with him. But, let me tell you as your smartest, and surprisingly enough sanest friend. You are. Trust me. You are as head over heels in love as I've ever seen it."

"I-I don't know-" Wooyoung shakes his head, hiding his face in his tea.

"Except you do." Jongho sits up straighter, taking Wooyoung's mug away from him. "I know you're a little confused but I know that deep down you realise that you love him just as much as he loves you."

"It doesn't even fucking matter whether I love him or not. It still wouldn't work."

"But why!?"

"Because." Wooyoung replies sternly, like that's an actual explanation. "But that's irrelevant, I'm incapable of love."

"Except you're not. And you know damn well that you're not, you're just too scared to admit it because you're too damn stubborn to admit that you were wrong about yourself."

"I don't love him, Jongho. I mean- I don't know- like, I wouldn't even know how to recognise a feeling like that."

"Okay, Wooyoung, just trying to see something here. In your own words, how would you describe the way you feel for San?"

He blinks his eyes back open, staring ahead while not really seeing anything. "I... I don't know. I can't really describe it. It's weird."

Jongho rolls his eyes and hands him his tea back like he's heard all he needs to. "Okay, now, and bear with me here." He sounds a little too sarcastic for Wooyoung's liking. "You told me once, that you asked people to describe love, and they all gave different answers, or said you'll know when you feel it. What if that is, because love is a confusing feeling. What if the thing you can't describe, is exactly how other people feel. Something you can't really put into words in a way that makes sense. What if the thing you're feeling is the thing you'll know when you're feeling it. Because you only know when you feel it, not when described to you."

Wooyoung frowns, sitting up straighter as he looks around. "I'm not following?"

"What if you are feeling the one thing nobody can describe, because it's unlike anything else."

"I..." Wooyoung frowns, trying to find some kind of way to prove Jongho wrong. "It's..."

"Wooyoung, I know this is a scary thing for you and that you don't want any of this to be true. But it is, and you know it. And I'm sick and tired of watching you pretend like you don't fucking know it. I know you know you're in love with this man and I know a part of you has known this for a while. And you can do whatever the fuck you want with this knowledge, you can never talk to San again if that's what you want. But you need to stop pretending to be stupid, and acknowledge that you are in love with him. Because I know that you’re not that fucking dense."

Of course Wooyoung had known that what he feels for San is far from regular friendship. And maybe Jongho isn't entirely wrong. While the word love hadn't ever crossed his mind while thinking of his feelings for San, every other mildly similar word had. Maybe Jongho is right. Maybe he has just been playing stupid. Maybe it's time to admit that he has been wrong. It's not even something he's purposely been doing, it's just the way his brain is wired, to dance around the actual word. His mind never allowed his thoughts to acknowledge this blatant fact that has existed in him for months.

For some reason Jongho's words break a weird barrier that's been built in his head. It's like the feeling of love has been at the center of his brain with a huge brick wall built around it to keep it separate from his train of thought. And something about this night has started to break down that wall, forcing the feeling through every particle of his brain. Every cell, every fibre, now coated in the thick sludge that is love.

"You're right." He whispers shakily into the night.

"What?" Jongho's eyes widen. "Oh my god have I gotten through to you? Have I actually done it!?"

Love has been locked away within his brain and now that it's broken free it feels like it's taking over everything. Like it's been hidden away in a cage, forbidden to touch any other part of his brain, including the many parts of it that have been taken over by San. And now the sludge is everywhere, it's pitch black and thick and it's suddenly slipping into every memory he has of the man. It's oozing all over the past few months and Wooyoung actually winces at how stubborn he's been.

"I love him." He admits quietly. It leaves a sour taste on his tongue. He hates the words. They're still true.

"Don't tell me that, tell him that!" He's never seen Jongho quite this passionate before.

Wooyoung glances at him with wide eyes. "I can't do that."

Jongho throws his head back with a groan. "Just when I thought we were out of the woods. How many more speeches are you gonna make me give tonight?"

"It's just- I don't know, I know I'm being stupid. And unreasonable. It's just that my brain has been wired this specific way for long, I don't know who I'll be when I allow myself to change. And I know it's dumb, and selfish, and horrible. I'm just terrified, every little bit of this scares me. It feels like no matter what I do somebody will end up getting hurt. And I wanna do the right thing, and I... I wanna be with him. Fuck, Jongho, I want him to be mine and I want to be his. So fucking badly. But I'm just... terrified."

"It is terrifying, love. Fuck it's scary. But it's so worth it. Fuck is it worth it. Wooyoung, you have no idea. You have to take this leap."

"Juses, oh my god-" Wooyoung's breathing grows more rapid. "I need to sit down."

"Well, you are..."

"I just- I don't know, it's so scary to me, Jongho. I'm so so scared. With my mom and-"

"Wooyoung, if I had let my dad's ideologies dictate my life I would've killed myself by now. You can't let their stupidity rule you for the rest of your life, you'll be miserable. You are not your parents. And while love might be confusing, you've found it. Try to hold on."

"What the fuck." Wooyoung's breathing heavily. "Am I that stupid? How the fuck did I not realise I’m in love with him?"

"I think you were purposely trying to not see it. Not even only because you're scared to love but also because you didn't want to admit that you were wrong."

"Ugh-" Wooyoung throws his head back with a groan. "Why do you know me so well?"

"You're not that difficult to read-"

"I need to go." Wooyoung interrupts and stands up in such a rush he knocks over the mug he'd forgotten was in his lap, shattering near boiling water all over the floor. He quickly steps away from the tea before it can reach his socked feet. "Fuck- sorry."

"Go where?"

"San! Obviously!" Wooyoung rushes to the front door, Jongho trailing after him. "You're right, I have to tell him!"

"Tell him what?"

"That I think-"

"No, see. That's what you're not gonna do." Jongho scolds him like a stern father and Wooyoung turns to look at him, straight across each other in the massive hallway, a chandelier worth 50 times Wooyoung's yearly rent swaying above their heads. "You either tell him that you love him or you don't. Stop hiding behind those vague words."

Jongho expects Wooyoung to fight him on this but instead he nods defeatedly. "You're right."

"As always." He grabs a coat and throws Wooyoung a spare one. "I'll drive you."

"You don't have to."

"You're still shaking from your last walk, I'm not arguing you on this." He grabs his car keys and ushers Wooyoung out the door. "Just let me do this, then I'll leave you alone."

He nods after a few seconds of hesitation, closing the front door behind him as he follows Jongho to his car.

The drive is a lot shorter than the walk, and a lot warmer. With heating in the seats and by his feet. He thinks over the last few months. He really has just been lying to himself. It wasn't that he couldn't see the truth but more so that he was actively trying to ignore it. And he wants to slap himself for causing pain to himself and especially to San.

All the excuses seem so stupid now. Trying to find another explanation for the jealousy and the warmth in his chest and the thoughts of a future. He managed to pin it on every single thing he could think of besides the fact that he is hopelessly in love. Thinking back on it he probably fell in love with the man before Christmas had even rolled around.

He lets himself wonder now if this is what all those fights have been about. He hadn't realised San was in love with him, and San hadn't realised this about Wooyoung either. When they'd talked about different wavelengths, and Wooyoung had apologised. San must've assumed he was talking about the fact that Wooyoung would never love him back. Meanwhile Wooyoung had assumed San was tired of his unwarranted jealousy.

When San got angry at him for being jealous. It must not have been because he was crossing a line but because he was hinting at something San assumed he would never get from Wooyoung. Suddenly he's able to see all their arguments in a different light. Both of them blinded by stupidity and insecurity. How they managed to manoeuvre around the issue for so long is absolutely beyond him.

He's still not sure why Jongho's speech had made everything clear so suddenly. Maybe it's the way in which he says things, that sense of knowing it all that he always carries. Maybe it's just because Wooyoung was finally ready to see it. That must be it. The fact that he stopped trying to actively ignore the obvious.

By the time they reach San's building he's sufficiently warmed up. He doesn't move a muscle, even after Jongho's parked and shut off the engine. The younger allows them to sit in silence for a while, still giving Wooyoung some space.

"What the fuck do I say!?" Wooyoung starts panicking now that he can see San's living room window a few floors above them.

"Well, I would recommend starting with sorry. He deserves as much."

"Oh my god, I can't do this." Wooyoung shakes his head, looking to Jongho with panicked eyes. "We need to go. I can't do this."

"Yes, you can. You are going up there and you're telling him the truth or so help me god I'll do it myself. I cannot witness another day of this pining."

"No, Jongho, I can't do it. I'm not sure anymore, I'm doubting it all. I need you to take me home, I don't want to do this. Saying it out loud to him will make it too real."

"Wooyoung." Jongho's never looked quite this serious, and it's freaking him out. The younger man takes ahold of his hand, staring him right in the eyes to make sure he hears every word. "It's okay to be scared, but you can't let the fear win. You will regret it every day for the rest of your life if you don't do this now. San is up there, convinced you don't love him and never have. You can't do that to him, not while knowing how you feel. You love him, I promise you. I know you don't trust your own mind, but you can trust me. He deserves the truth, no matter what comes of it. He deserves to know how you feel, it's the least of what you owe him."

Wooyoung's crying again and he nods jerkily, squeezing Jongho's hand. "You promise?"

"I promise, hyung. If you don't take this leap, you'll be 80 years old and you'll realise you let the love of your life walk away because you got in your own head too much."

"He deserves better than me..." he admits quietly.

"Maybe," Jongho shrugs with a nod. "I don't think that's necessarily true, but even if it is, that's not your decision to make. And you can't let him make a decision when he doesn't know the full truth, it's not fair."

"Thank you." He breathes out then, turning to Jongho. "Really. For all of it."

"Buy me some food soon."

He cracks a smile, huffing in disbelief. "Sure."

"Do you want me to wait here?"

Wooyoung shakes his head. "That's alright, go home. You've done enough for tonight."

Jongho nods. "You can do this."

Wooyoung hesitates, taking his lip between his teeth. "Thank you so much, Jjongie. I really appreciate you, I really do."

Jongho laughs. "Yeah, alright, you sap. Now fuck off. Call me if you need anything."

Wooyoung doesn't mention the fact that he doesn't have his phone on him, instead he just nods and finally opens the door to step out onto the pavement. It's this that reminds him he's still not wearing any shoes. He throws Jongho one more smile over his shoulder before slamming the car door shut behind him.

A deep inhale, then an exhale. His chest feels tight, but in a better way. He's terrified, but excited. In a very weird way. He's not even sure what he's going to say, he's not even sure if San is willing to listen. But if he knows San at all, and he would argue he does, he'll be willing to listen. Because that's just San.

He drags himself up the stairs, leaving wet prints wherever his socks touch the wood. He should've put on something nicer. Instead of showing up as what he can only assume somewhat resembles the girl from the ring.

He knocks on the door without thinking. Because if he starts thinking he'll freak himself out again and probably flee the scene. Seonghwa's the one to open the door, when he sees Wooyoung on the other side he shuts the door far enough again so Wooyoung can't look inside, or the other way around.

"Wooyoung..." Seonghwa looks compassionate still, like he doesn't fully despise Wooyoung. But he looks disappointed. Guarded and closed off. "I think it's best if you just leave him alone, for now. You can't give him what he wants, whatever you say now will just make it worse."

"Please, hyung." Wooyoung begs, there's no other word for it, he's literally begging. "Please, let me see him. If he decides he doesn't wanna hear me out I'll leave."

"He'll want to hear you out. But I - as his friend, and yours - don't think it's a good idea."

"Hyung, you know I adore you, and I appreciate the sentiment but I need you to get out of my way. This is between me and him. And I need to speak with him. Now."

"Hyung, who's at the door?" San's voice is much louder than the hushed tone they'd been speaking in.

Seonghwa remains silent for a few hesitant seconds before replying, eyes never leaving Wooyoung's. "Just a sec, San."

"I'm begging you, please. I need to see him."

Seonghwa eyes him for another few seconds before sighing deeply and turning to talk over his shoulder to San. "It's for you." Seonghwa steps back from the door, opening it further. "I'll be in my room."

San walks around the corner just as Seonghwa disappears into the hallway. The man falters the second he notices Wooyoung in his doorway, staring at him with an expression of equal parts shock and hurt. "Wooyoung."

"San." He plays with his hands awkwardly while he stares at the man, still hovering in the middle of the living room. San too is in pyjamas, though his significantly less wet. It's as he steps a bit closer that Wooyoung notices how puffy his eyes are, his cheeks red and lips bitten raw. Like he hasn't stopped crying since Wooyoung sent him away.

"Why are you here?" It seems like San is trying to keep his voice hard, but instead he just sounds desperate, and fragile.

"Because, after... everything. I found myself at Jongho's place, and he helped me realise some things. And I just needed to tell you, right now. I'm sorry to show up so late, but this couldn't wait."

San shrugs as he finally takes the last few steps so he's right on the other side of the doorframe. "Didn't expect to get much sleep tonight anyways."

"When do you get much sleep?" Wooyoung attempts a joke but San doesn't seem to have even just a halfhearted smile left in him.

"What is it you came here to say?"

"Oh-" he clears his throat. "Uhm." He can feel himself begin to tear up again, and is powerless to stop the tears as they start spilling over, San looks like he hadn't expected Wooyoung to cry. And in response his own tears resurface, ones he attempts to hide but fails to do so. "It's just..."

San sighs, shaking his head and his hand reaches for the door, as if ready to close it. "Goodbye, Wooyoung..."

"No!" He puts his palm flat on the door when San attempts to shut it. "No, let me say this. Please."

"Then say it. Just fucking say it, Wooyoung!" He'd bet this is the first time San's ever raised his voice at him, or at anyone else as far as he's witnessed for that matter. "At your place, earlier today, it was more than plenty. It's fine! Okay? It's done, you don't have to come here and reject me in a new, kinder attempt. It's fine. Message received, please just leave me alone. Like I said, I'm more than open to being friends at some point, and I'm sorry that I fucked it all up. But-"

"San!" He interrupts him, and San is quick to shut up. "That's not why I'm here."

"Then why!?" Even with the raised voice he doesn't actually seem angry at Wooyoung, just exasperated. "Just tell me."

"I love you."

He blurts it out just like that. Quick and painless, like a bandaid. Except it's not a bandaid, and now the stunned silence is dragging on for far longer than he can handle. San's jaw has dropped ever so slightly and all he's done is make some weird noises that don't really come anywhere close to intelligible words.

"I..." San shakes his head. "I don't understand."

"I am so so painfully unsure, about everything. Especially love." Wooyoung sobs, heavy tears dripping from his chin. San looks about as wrecked as he feels. He gasps a bit to try and regain enough composure to continue his words. "And- and I'll tell you about- about all of it some other time. I'll explain why I am this-" he gestures to himself "-this mess. This... this..."

San just stares at him, cheeks glistening with all the tears he's shed. He responds with a tiny nod.

"I'll tell you all of it someday. But all you need to know right now," he inhales deeply. "Is that I am certain, for what feels like the first time ever. I am so sure, so positive that- that-"

San's voice is so small and broken when he responds. "...That?"

"There is not a doubt in my mind, that I love you. I am so sincerely and surely in love with you, San. Never have I felt less uncertain about saying something, as I do right now telling you I love you. It's true, I know this. I don't have to guess, or gamble. I can promise."

San's eyes are wide, mouth slightly agape as he tries to take in all of Wooyoung's words. "Are... Are you serious?"

Wooyoung nods with a stuffy nose. "I'm afraid so."

"I... uhm-" San looks around in confusion. "I don't get it?"

"I can explain every single part of it, beginning to end. Because it's finally starting to make more sense to me. I'll answer whatever questions you have, to make you believe me. But all you need to know right now is that I love you. And I think I've said that more in the past three minutes than I have in my entire life combined. But it's true."

Wooyoung expects him to say something else, maybe even slam the door in his face. What he doesn't see coming is San suddenly pulling him into the apartment by his wrist and pressing him into the wall beside the door before crashing their lips together. It's salty with tears, and just desperate in every aspect of the word.

"Say it again." San mumbles against his lips before delving into another fierce kiss.

It takes Wooyoung's brain a few seconds to realise that he's being spoken to. "I love you." He mumbles it back into San's mouth, pulling him closer by his shoulders. "I really do."

"I really love you too."

The words cause some immediate panic to flare up inside his abdomen but it subsides just as quickly when San's lips meet his again.

"Oh- I'm dizzy." San pulls back with a hand on his head.

Wooyoung laughs. "Was it my tongue?"

"Jesus Christ." San doesn't even acknowledge his joke, shaking his head as he steps away. "What the fuck just even happened." He turns to Wooyoung with a frown. "You love me?"

Wooyoung clasps his hands by his abdomen like a small child, nodding, smiling. "I might just."

"You promise?"

"I promise."

"Where did that come from?"

"Turns out it's been here, I'm just stupid." Wooyoung shrugs with a smile. "Jongho slapped some sense into me."

San starts crying again, sobbing, loudly, not like San cries. Wooyoung's eyes widen immediately.

"Oh god-" he fusses, hands hovering around San unsure of what to do. "What happened? What did I do?"

"I'm so fucking scared." It's barely a whisper, the admittance, like he really doesn't want to say it. "I'm so scared you'll change your mind. I've never loved anybody like I love you, Wooyoung. I really haven't."

"I know. I've never loved anybody like I love you either. You know that, right? I've never loved anybody like this at all."

San nods, still crying. "I wanna believe you..."

Wooyoung swallows, arms returning to his sides. "But you don't."

"I do- well-" San cuts himself off, shaking his head. "I don't know. I guess a part of me just believes you'll change your mind."

"I will fuck this up, I can promise you that. So you have plenty of shit to worry about. But one thing you don't have to worry about ever again is whether I love you or not."

"Okay." San inhales deeply, trying to regulate his breathing. It lasts all of two seconds before he breaks down again. "I don't know why I'm still crying. It's just a lot. Shit, sorry I must be such a turn off right now." His breathing is irregular and like he might pass out any second, one hand on his chest. "Fuck, I don't know what's wrong with me."

"It's okay." Wooyoung smiles, giggling a little at San's glossy and desperate eyes. He doesn't mean to, San just looks like the most vulnerable kitten he's ever seen. "It's alright. It is a lot."

"Don't laugh at me." San shakes his head but he starts laughing too.

"Sorry." Wooyoung starts laughing harder at the sound of San's chuckles. "Sorry, you look so precious."

"Fuck-" San throws his head back, once again filling his lungs with as much air as he possibly can. "It's just overwhelming. After everything. I really didn't think I'd ever hear you say these words to me."

Wooyoung finally gathers the courage to wrap San up in his arms, hand coming up to stroke the back of his head. "I'm sorry I've caused you so much pain."

"I've hurt you too."

"Still, most of that was my own fault."

San sniffles. "I've dreamed about this. And the scenario was very different in my mind. Like confessions and then passionate sex with champagne or something. I wasn't supposed to bawl my eyes out."

"It happens to the best of us." Wooyoung smiles against the top of San head, the man's forehead pressed to his neck. "Besides, we've had enough passionate sex. Now that we've said we love each other we can start having tame, boring sex."

"Fuck, you're right." San chuckles wetly, tears drying against the skin of Wooyoung's collarbone. "Only missionary from now on?"

"I'm afraid so. Missionary only, and only in the bed with all the lights off, and I'll never top again."

"Maybe I don't love you, then." San pulls back with a smile, wiping at his cheeks. "I'd give up love forever just to have you fuck me one last time."

Wooyoung barks out a loud laugh. "I'll ride you on anniversaries, but that's where I draw the line."

"Relationships suck."

"It's the price you pay." He watches San's eyes crinkle with a smile the way he feels his own do. "It's the rules of life."

"Not even on a couch every now and then?"

Wooyoung shakes his head. "Not even in the shower. Just shampooing and drying. That's it."

San pouts. “Love is stupid."

"I warned you." He leans in to kiss him, a soft press of their lips before pulling back. "Love sucks the passion out of a person."

San grins, leaning in to kiss him more roughly. He pulls back with a teasing glint in his eyes. "I can't wait to prove you wrong."

"I'd like to see you try."

San goes to respond but the soft, barely noticeable creak of wood cuts him off. It's silent for a few seconds before San raises his voice. "Seonghwa, stop eavesdropping!"

It's silent for another few seconds before the man's muffled voice sounds from his bedroom. "I don't know what you're talking about!"

Wooyoung breaks out into another fit of giggles and San follows. "Sorry, this would've been more romantic if he weren't here."

"It would've been more romantic if you hadn't been sobbing with snot dripping from your nose." Wooyoung replies unmaliciously.

San's jaw drops. "You showed up here crying!"

"And where's my champagne?" Wooyoung looks around with a frown, pretending he didn't hear San. And then with feigned shock. "And my chocolate and roses? What the fuck kinda confession is this?"

"A very honest and unplanned one." A grin pulls at his lips, hands coming down to hold Wooyoung's waist and pull him in closer.

"And a drunk one." Wooyoung adds.

"Yeah, that's my bad. I don't think I've ever sobered up quicker than when I heard those words leave my own mouth."

He worries his lip between his teeth again. "Sorry for kicking you out."

"Sorry for dropping that bomb on you."

"That's alright. Though you should actually send a gift to Jongho. Without him I would've still been outside in the rain right now, probably getting drunk under a bridge."

"Now that you mention it-" San looks down to Wooyoung's feet. "Where are your shoes?"

"Forgot." He lifts one of his feet to look at the bottom of his sock. "There's literal holes in them from how far I walked without shoes."

"Jesus, and you're still damp." San says it like he only just now realised that Wooyoung's pyjamas still aren't fully dry. "Let's get you changed."

"Or keep me naked?" Wooyoung smiles, pressing another kiss to San's lip with hopeful eyes.

"Interested in some boring missionary sex?"

"Maybe I can make an exception for tonight? Because it's new."

"I'm not even gonna lie." San pulls him along to the bedroom by his hand. "I don't think my dick even works right now. I'm so full of emotion I think he's confused."

"That's like the least attractive thing you could've possibly said to me." Wooyoung frowns, pulling his shirt over his head when the door closes behind them. "So the guy I just started seeing has erectile dysfunction?"

"Well, I don't think that's quite what I just said."

He steps out of his underwear and pants at once, left in just the dirty socks. "And now?"

"Not with those wet rags on your feet." San points a sassy finger at them, brows raised in a challenge.

Wooyoung rolls his eyes but takes them off anyways, stepping closer to San. "Now?"

San rolls his eyes. "No sex tonight. I feel like sex has caused us enough problems."

Wooyoung whines, tugging at San's hands. "But it's also solved so many."

"Such as?"

"You're asking too much of my brain. I can't think at the moment."

"Exactly." San hums with a smile, squeezing Wooyoung's hands. He's standing before him fully naked but San's eyes won't leave his face. "You know what I think we should do?"

"Probably something boring. Knowing you."

"We're gonna grab a bite."

"Like... food?"

"Yes." San pulls away to rummage around his closet, searching for something that Wooyoung can wear. "We're gonna go eat something. I'm starving."

"It's 3AM?"

"I'm sure we'll find something." San shrugs, pulling a shirt over Wooyoung's head despite his protests. "It's Seoul, something has to be open."

Wooyoung pouts defiantly. "I'm not hungry."

"I doubt that."

"There is only one thing I'm hungry for, and it's already in this room."

"You better not be talking about my penis." San rolls his eyes as he kneels down by Wooyoung's feet, helping him step into some underwear before pulling it up his legs. "You're shivering."

"I'm not cold."

"Why do you have to be so stubborn?"

"You knew what you were getting into." Wooyoung grins. And despite his words he allows San to pull a comfortable pair of pants up his legs. "That's on you."

"I didn't choose to fall in love with you."

Wooyoung smiles a little bitter sweet. "Yeah. I know you wouldn't have if you had had a choice."

San stares at him, expression saddened by the words. "I wouldn't change a thing."

"That's dumb."

San doesn't seem fazed by the rude reply, merely shrugging. "I don't care. I believe it was all worth it in the end."

"All of it?"

"All of it."

Wooyoung looks away to try and hide his blush. "You are such a romantic it’s disgusting."

"Disgusting, huh?"

"Filthy."

San giggles at that, pressing a kiss to one of Wooyoung's bright red ears. "You secretly love it though."

He rolls his eyes in dismay. "Don't be so sure."

"You love it." San presses a few kisses to his cheek, making him lean away to try and dodge the affectionate gestures. San's arms just wrap around him more tightly. "You love it, you love me."

Wooyoung looks everywhere but San before finally giving up and meeting his eyes. He sighs. "A tiny bit."

"A tiny bit?" San raises his brows with a smile, mockingly so. "Just a little bit, right?"

"Minuscule. Invisible to the naked eye."

"It's very much visible to me."

"Since when?" Wooyoung frowns incredulously. "You were freaking out like 30 minutes ago."

"Well clearly it wasn't visible to me back then." San rolls his eyes, booping Wooyoung's nose.

Wooyoung stares at him in utter shock. "Did you just fucking boop me?"

"And what if I did?"

"I'll break up with you, that's what."

"Does that mean we're dating?"

Wooyoung winces, turning around just so he no longer has to face San. "Ew. I have a fucking boyfriend."

Now it's San's turn to be shocked. "Did you just ew me!?"

"Yes." Wooyoung turns around with wide, crazy eyes. "Ew. Ew ew ew."

"Yep." San nods. "Really feeling that love."

"Ugh, a fucking boyfriend?"

"Your words, not mine."

"You don't wanna be my boyfriend?"

"Again, your words, not mine."

Wooyoung frowns. "You're confusing me. Are you my boyfriend?"

"I hope so."

"Ew."

"You just did it again!" San points at him.

Wooyoung shakes his head. "It's just- ew, you know?"

"I'm not sure that I do."

"I mean, I like you-"

"You like me?" San cuts him off.

"Fine, I love you. Whatever. The term boyfriend is just very odd to me. I have a boyfriend."

"Do you have a boyfriend? Because I'm still not very sure on where you're going with this."

"I have a boyfriend." Wooyoung repeats the words again, but this time a smile is creeping up on his face. He's fully grinning then. "Oh my god, I have a boyfriend! That is crazy. This is so fun, I used to want one of those."

San's face looks pretty unimpressed. "You are a very special man."

"You're my boyfriend." Wooyoung's grinning at him, taking a hold of his hands and swaying them with a giddy joy.

"I mean, like, I guess so? Are you asking me?"

"I'm not asking, I'm deciding. I have officially declared you my boyfriend."

San smiles. "I accept your offer."

"Not an offer." Wooyoung leans in to peck his lips. "This is kinda fun. Feels kinda fun, actually. Like I might not die alone."

"Jesus-"

"And I can just like hold your hand or something. This is pretty nice. I like it."

"It's been 20 seconds."

"Yeah, and I have yet to spontaneously burst into flames. So maybe I can actually do this."

"Was that your expectation?" San chuckles. "That you would be suddenly overtaken by hellfire?"

"I was open to the possibility."

"I don't think you have to be concerned." San kisses him again with a smile. "Not about that at least."

"I am actually kinda hungry, as much as I don't wanna admit it. And not only for your penis."

"I know right, sobbing really makes you hungry."

"Can we get corndogs?" Wooyoung wonders, walking out of the bedroom to search for some shoes that he can borrow. Remembering he has the same size as Seonghwa. While San quickly gets into some clothes as well.

"We can do whatever the fuck we want." San grins. "The possibilities are endless."

Wooyoung smiles, biting his lip to try and contain it. "I like the sound of that. I’m gonna go grab a bite with my boyfriend. People will ask me what my plan are and I just be like going to the movies with my boyfriend or nothing big, just staying in with my boyfriend.”

“I’m glad you’re enjoying yourself.” He grabs the keys and holds the door open for Wooyoung.

“I am! This is so fun, like I said I used to really want a boyfriend, it’s gross but it sounds so fun. I just have this person that’s like mine. And I kinda belong to a person. It’s such a cute idea.”

San giggles before kissing his cheek. “It is fun. I’m very glad you’re happy.”

“I’m happy you’re happy too.” Wooyoung smiles before frowning. “You are happy, right?”

“Very very happy, Wooyoung. Don’t worry.”

“Good.” Wooyoung squeezes his hand. “Let’s get ourselves some corndogs.”

He wakes up in San’s bed. It's somehow the most familiar and unfamiliar place he's ever been.

"I have an idea." San mutters when they’re both up. His arms slide around Wooyoung from behind, swaying them side to side as he kisses down his neck. "For a date."

Wooyoung sighs but rests his head back against San's shoulder. "If you're talking about that fair that's in town, I swear to god."

San just whines, squeezing his stomach harder so a wheezy giggle escapes Wooyoung. "How did you know? And what's wrong with the fair?"

"Way too couple-y. I don't think I can do the whole winning me a stuffed animal, kissing atop the ferris wheel thing."

"Well... I mean we are a couple now. But I guess we can do something else? I wanna take you out to celebrate."

"Hm, I don't know, San." He pulls himself out of the man's arms. "I don't really like dates."

"Well, yeah." He spins Wooyoung around so he can hold both of his hands, while Wooyoung looks up at him with questioning eyes. "But you're my boyfriend now. You're gonna have to get used to couple stuff."

Wooyoung looks to the side awkwardly, now that his emotions from yesterday have settled down the term boyfriend sets all the alarm bells in his head ringing again despite what he said yesterday. Like an automatic physical response. It feels amazing and horrible at the same time. "San..."

He doesn't expect the forceful kisses that get pressed to his cheek. "You'll have to get used to me doting on you."

He laughs softly while removing the man off his cheek. "Alright." He clears his throat and takes another step back. "I'll think about it."

San playful expression turns more guarded then, brows pulling together as he eyes Wooyoung's face. "I love you."

Wooyoung offers back a small smile, nodding his head. He fails to open his mouth so instead he leans in to press a kiss to San's lips in reply to think of something. "I love you too." He means it, the words still numb his tongue. "I'm gonna shower real quick."

San's eyes are still scanning his face for answers but eventually he just nods, accepting whatever it was that just happened. "I'll make some coffee. And some breakfast." He looks like he wants to say something else but decides against it. "Don't let it get cold, yeah?"

Wooyoung nods with a hum. "Be there in a bit."

He watches San disappear around the corner before letting his head drop in his hands. Why did he think he could do this. It's not that he disagrees with what he said last night, he still feels that way. But to be in an actual couple. For Jung Wooyoung to be someone's boyfriend. He feels incredibly out of place. And above all else he fears he's gonna fuck it up. Part of him fears he may have already.

He shoves all of his thoughts about anything away while he showers, and instead focuses on counting the tiles on the wall. He gets dressed again but this time in San's shirt, and San's sweatpants. And he looks like a boyfriend. Visually he fits the part. Mentally though, he's one second away from climbing out the bathroom window never to be seen again.

When he finally does exit the bathroom, the house smells like food and coffee, just as promised. San's already sitting down, both hands wrapped around his mug as his plate steams right before him. Wooyoung takes a seat across from him, where his coffee is already made exactly the way he likes.

"Thanks."

"Hm." It's the only acknowledgment San offers that he'd even noticed Wooyoung walking into the room. He fidgets with the ear of his mug as he stares down into his own black coffee, picking at where it'd chipped after Wooyoung dropped it months ago.

"Are you..." Wooyoung trails off. "Is everything alright?"

San shrugs before his eyes carefully drag up to look at Wooyoung. "Is it?"

"Uhm... I think so. Or at least I did until you answered my question with a question. Which is really never a good sign."

"Look, Wooyoung." San leans back in his chair with a sigh, brushing a hand through his hair. "If you have any regrets about last night, that's okay. But if so, I need you to tell me now, before I'm in too deep."

"Regrets? I-" wooyoung shakes his head with a scoff that borders on accusatory, which he too feels isn't entirely fair seeing how he acted just 15 minutes ago. "Why would I have regrets?"

"You don't seem comfortable. You seem on edge, and like the term boyfriend scares you. And I can't do the weird in between thing any longer. I know I said I could last night, but that wasn't true. Either we do this for real or we don't do it at all, because I'm not being fair to myself."

Wooyoung rolls his lips into his mouth, nodding. "Okay, full transparency. It does scare me. But just because it's entirely unfamiliar to me. I'm not used to saying I love people. And I'm not backtracking on what I told you last night, I stand by what I said. But that doesn't mean it isn't hard for me. Love has been an ongoing issue throughout my entire life, this is just a lot for me all at once. It's so much all at once."

"If you need more time-"

"I don't." He interrupts San. "I wanna be... boyfriends." He literally cannot help the way he physically cringes at the word and San raises one brow. "Oh god, I'm sorry."

This time San laughs. "Did you just shudder!?"

Wooyoung buries his face in his hands with laughter of his own. "Fuck, I'm horrible at this."

"Awful." San agrees, but he's smiling now.

"I... I spent most of my youth trying to figure out what love is, because I didn't understand it, because I was raised in a household with such a twisted idea of it. And I never did manage to figure it out, because the answers were too confusing and at some point I just gave up, and figured it wasn't for me. You read a bit about that in the letter we dug up. So I'm just very weird with it, I'll work on it, I'll become good at it at some point. It's just new. Nobody learns to swim in a day."

San stares at him for a while before nodding. It takes him a long time to ask his next question. "And? Did you figure it out? Love, what it is?"

Wooyoung hesitates. "You make me like being alive. And I think maybe that is what love means to me. You make me enjoy being alive."

San's smile grows wider at that, teeth on display. "I think I like that answer."

Wooyoung smiles back, shyly so and he hides it by taking a sip from his coffee. "Good. Because I do love you. Even if I might struggle showing it for a while. Please know it's there."

"I'll remember. But just as I know you, you also know me. So I will probably ask for reassurance. Maybe a few times too many, but that's just who I am."

Wooyoung smiles. "That's okay. I'll try my best."

San's quiet again as he finally takes his first bite, knot in his stomach finally loosened. "So... that fair?"

"Fine." Wooyoung rolls his eyes but he giggles non the less. "But I'm not happy about it!"

"I can live with that."

"Hey." Yeosang's on the couch when he gets home later that day. "Where were you? The door wasn't locked when I got home."

"Fuck-" Wooyoung glances back at the door. "I totally forgot."

"We just got a new TV, this is a bad time to get robbed."

"Yeah..." Wooyoung inhales deeply, memories from his breakdown in the kitchen yesterday flood his mind. "Sorry, I was a little..." he gestures vaguely.

Yeosang finally looks away from his sketchbook at that. He's not fully nude, but in only some shorts which is far too little for their chilly apartment. "Something happen?" He goes back to sketching when he doesn't get an immediate response.

"Yeah." Yeosang offers a little noise in return to show he's waiting for more, Wooyoung swallows. "San told me he loves me."

Yeosang's eyes widen comically at the admission, immediately slamming his sketchbook shut and putting it besides him on the couch. "Finally, oh my god. And then?"

"I, uh..." Wooyoung sits down on the couch and his best friend turns to face him fully, like two teens gossiping. "Well, okay bear with me. I yelled at him and kicked him out. Then I kinda just sat here sobbing for a good hour, so eventually I decided to go to Jongho's house. Which is when I forgot to lock the door. And then he somehow talked some sense in to me, god bless that fiancé of yours. And I went to San's place."

Yeosang's face had taken on at least ten different expressions as the story progressed. "And!?"

Wooyoung smiles shyly, avoiding Yeosang's eyes. "I told him I love him too. And... now I have a boyfriend."

"You're lying!" Yeosang jumps up off the couch, standing before him, Wooyoung hasn't heard his voice this loud in years. "And I missed this all because I was off bowling!? With those imbeciles! Bowling!? I don't even like bowling!"

Wooyoung cackles at that. "Trust me, you did not want to be here."

"Oh good Christ. Jung Wooyoung is finally seeing the light." Yeosang looks up at the sky like he believes there's anything up there, thanking whatever deity caused this to happen. "The world is healing."

"Okay, enough with the dramatics." Wooyoung chuckles softly, watching his best friend display a shocking amount of emotion. "It was bound to happen. Jongho just helped-"

Yeosang's cuts him off with a loud gasp, immediately fishing his phone from his pocket. Wooyoung is just surprised to see Yeosang have his phone on his body. He taps around before the sound of an outgoing call fills the room. Jongho. He picks up after three rings. Yeosang starts speaking before Jongho can get a word in. "Fucker. Why didn't you call and tell me?"

It's silent for a few seconds before the line goes dead. Wooyoung bursts out laughing. "Did he just hang up on you?"

Yeosang glares at his phone. "Well, I guess we know who's not getting any from me this month."

"Can you blame him?"

Yeosang sneers playfully. "Betrayal."

Wooyoung smiles at his best friend, precious even in his anger. "Give him a break."

"I just can't believe this." Yeosang tosses his phone in the direction of the couch, covering his mouth with a hand. "Oh I am so relieved. The pining was fucking killing me." He blinks a few times. "You have a boyfriend..."

Yeosang's staring at him in awe and Wooyoung grins back. "Gross, isn't it?"

"Disgusting." Yeosang chuckles, letting himself fall back onto the couch. "I was kinda starting to think the day would never come."

"I was so sure that was the case. But that little fucker really wormed his way into my heart."

Yeosang rests his head back against the couch, looking to his side to smile. "You're in love."

Wooyoung whines like a child, nodding. "I am so in love it's fucking horrific."

"And so am I."

Wooyoung nods. "What the fuck happened to us?"

"I have no idea. And it all kinda started with that party back in July, when I took you to Jongho's house for the first time. Oh, how our lives have changed since then."

"You're right. We're both kept men now."

Yeosang hums. "Technically the Jongho and me thing started over a year ago, months before I even took you to that party."

"Wait, it did?" Wooyoung frowns, looking to his best friend. "You never told me that, how come you never told me that?"

"Well, we didn't actually do much of anything until that first time you met him, when he slept over here. I met him a few months earlier, though. I guess I did never talk about it, it's a long story. And it felt a little stupid at the time."

"You never mentioned it before then." Which is odd, because Yeosang and he usually tell each other everything. From odd birthmarks on the men the slept with, to a pretty pebble they found on the way to work. From a random man’s girth to a cousin’s horrible wedding dress. It’s actually impressive how little they shared about San and Jongho to each other.

"You barely ever mentioned San to me, never talked about what you guys got up to." Yeosang counters. "I suppose it's difficult to speak about things you don't really wanna admit to yourself."

"I guess so..." Wooyoung agrees, staring at their ceiling. "You'll have to talk me through the entire Jongho thing some day. I've been so caught up with my own shit I forgot to pester you with questions about your shit."

"Yeah. I have not missed that."

Wooyoung laughs at the serious tone. "You picked the wrong best friend, then."

Yeosang smiles, reaching for his hand and squeezing. "I definitely did. That's alright though, I still love you."

"I love you too."

"I know, Youngie. Don't worry, I've always known that."

Somehow San managed to drag him along to the fair after all. And Wooyoung is living the romcom fantasy his younger self dreamed of.

"You're gonna win me something right?" Wooyoung smiles, tugging on San's hand where he's holding it. The odd stares from people around them barely even register in Wooyoung's head. It's his time now, and he's not gonna let some judgy strangers take it away from him. "If you don't I'll have to break up with you."

San looks to him with unimpressed eyes. "Are you gonna threaten me with that at every minor inconvenience."

"Maybe." Wooyoung can't stop smiling, he's noticed. His cheeks are actually aching with how much he's been smiling today. He just can't seem to stop himself, every time he looks at San and remembers what happened he feels giddy all over again. It's a big one-eighty from this morning, and that was a big one-eighty from the night before. Something tells Wooyoung he'll be going back and forth quite a few more times.

"Guess I'll have to win you something then. Can't have you dumping me this quick."

"Guess you'll have to." Wooyoung squeezes his hand. "You wanna shoot? Throw darts? Throw those little rings? Claw machine?"

"I'll do the ring tossing, I was pretty good at that a few years ago. Actually won something."

"Did you give it to someone?"

San rolls his eyes. "Yes. A very gorgeous man. Tall, sweet, pretty lips and eyes."

Wooyoung frowns at that. "Ex boyfriend?"

"Seonghwa."

"Oh-" Wooyoung blushes, nodding quickly. "Oops."

San chuckles, pulling Wooyoung into his side while directing them to the ring tossing stand. "Cutie."

"Don't even." Wooyoung pushes him off with a groan.

"Cutie." He presses a kiss to the top of his head.

They get to the stand. And... well, he tries. He really does. He tried.

It's been 10 minutes when they walk away from the stand, Wooyoung frowning down at the bunny in his hands. Well, the bunny between his fingers. It's a tiny, plush keychain, all San could afford with his points.

San looks dejected. "Sorry."

He can't help but giggle at that, looping his arm around San's. "It's cute. I love it."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah." He smiles but scoffs as soon as they're far enough from the stand. "But Jesus Christ."

San looks to him from the corner of his eye with a frown as they walk away. "What?"

"She was all over you." He frowns, looking away from San to hide it.

"Who?"

"That woman from the stand." He shakes his head at San's confusion. "With all the compliments and bicep touching."

"Really?" San looks over his shoulder back at the woman they'd just talked to. "I didn't notice."

Wooyoung makes an incredulous noise. "Yeah, alright."

"Jung Wooyoung." San gasps while they round the corner to stand behind the toilet area, a bit more secluded. "Are you jealous?"

His brows raise to his hairline, leaning his back against the plastic back wall, San blocking his view of the carnival. "What?" He laughs it off, looking over San's shoulder instead of his face. "No?"

"Oh my god, you are a jealous boyfriend!"

"I am not." His eyes move to stare back at San. "Jealousy is silly. I'm offended you'd even think that."

"You totally are." San giggles, taking Wooyoung's hands within his own. "That is so cute."

Wooyoung's mouth opens to respond but all that comes out are a few unintelligible sounds while he looks around everywhere but San's amused face. "You're losing it."

San chuckles as he presses a quick kiss to Wooyoung's lips. "Adorable."

Wooyoung sighs in defeat, resting his head back against the wall. "Sorry, I know I don't have anything to worry about. Hell, you didn't even sleep with anyone during our nine month long weird in between phase."

"Yes I did."

"What?" Wooyoung's eyes shoot wide open then. "Are you serious?"

"Yes." San laughs harder at that, still holding Wooyoung's hands.

"What? When!?"

"I don't know, like back in September or something, way back when we were barely even friends yet."

Wooyoung's jaw still hasn't closed. "I can't believe you cheated on me!"

Now it's San's turn to widen his eyes, laughing in disbelief. "What!? I barely even knew you!"

"We'd had sex like three times by then! We were hanging out!"

"You kissed a dude like three months ago?"

"Well-" Wooyoung chokes on his words, crossing his arms over his chest defiantly. "That's different."

"How is that different!"

"Because you're really hot." Wooyoung pouts.

San is still laughing, like Wooyoung is being silly. Maybe he is. Okay he definitely is. "It was just a one night stand. I never even saw her around again."

Wooyoung sucks his teeth, less amused than San. "Did you want to see her around?"

San's laugh gets muffled when he kisses Wooyoung once more. "You are ridiculous. But I love you."

Wooyoung can't fight the small smile that takes over his face then. "I love you too."

"I can't believe you're a jealous boyfriend."

He rolls his eyes. "Yeah, don't let it get to your head."

"You must really like me a lot." San teases, poking Wooyoung's side.

Wooyoung eyes his face, corners of his mouth tugging up. "Maybe."

"Careful, your heart is showing."

"Believe it or not, it does exist."

"Couldn't tell." San shrugs, pulling Wooyoung a little closer by his hands. He kisses him more deeply this time, Wooyoung's arms wrapping around his waist. He mumbles the words against his lips when he pulls back. "You don't have anything to worry about. It's only you. It's been you, for a really long time."

Wooyoung presses another kiss to his lips, mumbling back. "I know. It's you too. For me. It's been, even when I didn't realise it."

San nods. "I know that."

"Good." Wooyoung smiles, "wanna go kiss atop the ferris wheel now?"

"You mean that?"

"I actually kinda do." Wooyoung nods, grabbing onto San's hand and dragging him along. "C'mon, let's be gross and in love!"

"Great idea." San grins, stumbling after his boyfriend. "And after that we can feed each other fries and annoy everybody around us."

"That is an amazing plan." Wooyoung smiles over his shoulder, still dragging him along. "Let's be annoying."

"Alright." San laughs breathily.

Wooyoung has to admit, it is nice. The couple stuff. It's all silly, and fun. And at the end of the day he realises he didn't hate a second of it.

Once they're back home from their fair date Wooyoung drags San into the bedroom almost immediately. They still haven't actually done anything since the confessions, and while he's enjoyed the cutesy day they had, he kinda needs San to fuck him right this second. They actually haven't slept together in over a month by now, before they went to visit San's mom. There was always so much going on they never got around to it. But now there is not a single thing standing in his way. Especially with Seonghwa away at work.

"Will you prep me?" Wooyoung asks the second he's thrown the bedroom door shut behind them.

San stares into his eyes, watching Wooyoung blink up at him sweetly. "Mhm." He nods, distracted with Wooyoung's gaze. He can tell San's been thinking about this exact thing just as much as he has today. "Yeah... just, get on the bed."

Wooyoung happily complies, the bed bouncing with how enthusiastically he jumps onto it. San follows, snatching the lube on his way. They both lose all their clothes in record time before San crawls over Wooyoung's body, one of his thighs between San's.

"I can't believe this is all mine." San muses breathlessly while spreading lube on his fingers, eyes trailing over Wooyoung.

"It's been for a while."

"It's different now, though." San slides a finger inside carefully and Wooyoung barely notices, too distracted watching San watch him. Neither of them are wasting any time. "You are so beautiful. And you're mine."

Wooyoung giggles. "What a lucky man you are."

"Insanely lucky." San nods, working Wooyoung open with that same gentle precision he’d objected to months ago. He welcomes it now, the way San takes his time, the way his touch almost worships him.

Wooyoung pulls San closer, thigh pressed against San erection while he slips his tongue between his lips. He still tastes a little of the of the cotton candy they shared, and Wooyoung smiles into the kiss. San adds another finger and he whines into his mouth at the feeling, in turn San moans back at the sweet noise.

"You're so gorgeous." San presses a few small kisses to his lips, then his cheek, then down to his jaw. Wooyoung's back arches, writhing against him.

"You're one to talk." It's supposed to sound witty but he just sounds desperate. His breath hitches at every movement of San's fingers, moaning whenever he gets near his prostate. He feels like he's been on the edge for a month now, he'd missed having San like this. And truth be told he's been embarrassingly desperate for it.

"You make the prettiest sounds." San's panting like he's just done something physically taxing, still pressing kisses to Wooyoung's neck. "I could go blind right now and still be just as happy with just your noises."

"Stop feeding my ego." Wooyoung smiles, arching into San's touch again when he slips in a third finger.

"Just being honest." San licks over Wooyoung's collarbone, leaving openmouthed kisses on his chest. He's still panting heavily, breath catching every so often. Wooyoung's thigh is still pressed against his cock so tightly and he swears he can almost feel it throbbing.

"Shit-" Wooyoung gasps, head thrown back, writhing against the sheets. "Nghh- I love you."

The second the words pass his lips, San presses into the flesh of his thigh, hips stuttering. His hands falter, fingers pressed deep inside against Wooyoung's prostate, mouth open on a silent moan with his head pressed to his collarbone. And Wooyoung's confused until he feels the warm release spread over his skin.

He lays there stunned as San gives another few trembling thrusts against his leg, groaning lowly. A shuddering breath fans over Wooyoung’s chest before San stops moving altogether, suddenly still as a statue.

Wooyoung clears his throat. "Did you..."

"Oh my god." San sits up, kneeling on the bed, Wooyoung's spoiled thigh still pressed against him. He pulls his fingers from Wooyoung so he can hide his face behind both hands. "Just when you think you've embarrassed yourself enough for 24 hours. Jesus Christ."

Wooyoung stares at him before laughing, and though he can't see San's face he can see his ears turn red. "I didn't even touch you!"

"You were kinda moving against it... a little. Kinda." San's still hiding his face, frozen in place. Like he's trying to figure out a way to disappear. "You were slightly- you moved!"

"Barely!" Wooyoung throws his head back with laughter. The shaking of his body against San's sensitive dick has the man whimpering embarrassingly, which only makes Wooyoung laugh harder. "Was it the fact that I said I love you?"

San releases another shuddering breath at that. And he grinds against Wooyoung's slightly moving thigh again, forcing another whimper from his throat. "I- no. Maybe."

"Fucking hell." Wooyoung chuckles, reaching out to pull San's hands away from his face, finally succeeding with some effort. He's never seen San blush this hard. "You are so cute."

"I am fucking mortified." San is red from his chest to his ears.

"You're still grinding against me though." And it's as if San hadn't even noticed he'd started doing that, still hard, or hard again. Wooyoung can't be too sure.

"I'm sorry." He doesn't stop.

Wooyoung eyes him, the way his muscular body trembles just from the feeling of Wooyoung's thigh. He can't help himself when he whispers the words again. Half because he feels like it, half because he wants to see the response. "I love you."

San whines loudly, hands coming down to grab Wooyoung's waist so he can press himself more harshly against the flesh of Wooyoung's leg. His movements more erratic, brows drawn together as his eyes fall shut. "Ngh- shit-"

"Do you have a love kink or something?"

San shakes his head, slowing his movements while he tries to reel himself back to reality. "I think I have an everything kink when it comes to you."

"Does that include fucking me or are you just gonna keep humping me?" He doesn't actually mind. If anything it turns him on. To see San so turned on. It's like a cycle.

"I can... I can fuck you..." he nods slowly, pulling back from Wooyoung's body so he can lather himself in more lube.

Neither of them wastes another word on the matter as San pushes inside of him, releasing another shuddering breath. Wooyoung takes his face in his hands, kissing the tip of his nose. "You alright?"

"Hm-" San nods quickly, but he's trembling. "Sensitive."

"I know." Wooyoung smiles softly, brushing San's hair from him sweaty forehead, though it falls back in his face immediately.

San wraps an arm around Wooyoung's waist, snaking it between his back and the bed so he can pull them closer together. His body moves as languidly as his tongue when he kisses him. Slow and gentle in their every move, and Wooyoung reciprocates it.

"I need you." San chokes out, Wooyoung's hands roaming around his broad back.

"You have me."

"I think I actually need you to breathe. I don't think I can breathe without you." San admits, mouth attaching to Wooyoung's jaw.

The words scare him, while soothing his soul at the same time. It's frightening, how he knows that San is telling the truth. "I know." He just nods, his chest is tight. He fears maybe he can't breathe without San either. "I'll be here."

It's a lot of pressure, trying to live for another person when he can barely live for himself. San is worth it, he decides. Whatever it takes.

San's hand reaches between them to take a hold of Wooyoung, stroking him in the same gentle manner as he's doing everything else. Wooyoung's body arches into the touch, for some reason it's too much.

"I need you too." He admits finally, between soft moans. "To breathe."

San nods. "I'll be here."

Wooyoung's orgasm comes to him surprisingly quick, choking on a whine, burying his nails in the skin of San's shoulder blades. "Shit-" he cries out, feeling San's fist tighten around him. It washes over him without much warning. And San follows immediately, for the second time.

"I love you." San whispers the words on a moan against Wooyoung's lips.

Wooyoung smiles, his body tingling with aftershocks, while San's brows knit together with pleasure. His whole body is still shaking, trembling like a leaf as he thrusts a few final times. And it doesn't stop even when he's finished, collapsing on top of Wooyoung.

"You're trembling." Wooyoung muses, fingertips drawing shapes on the heated skin of San's back.

San nods where his face is buried in the crook of Wooyoung's neck. "I can't stop."

"You're so precious."

San nods again, like he can't think of much else to say. "I don't know what just happened. I don't think I've ever finished that quick. Especially twice in a row. Sorry."

"What're you apologising for?" Wooyoung frowns, still drawing his fingers all over the burning skin. "Did you not notice me also orgasming like... within the minute?"

"I guess that is true." San huffs out a soft laugh. "I don't wanna move."

"That's okay." Wooyoung kisses the top of his head. "We'll stay here as long as you want."

"Even for a day?"

"Even for a year." Wooyoung hums. "However long you want, we'll stay."

San smiles, blinking sleepily. "Thank you."

"Anything for you."

San finds him on the balcony later that night. Wooyoung had laid awake for two hours before finally getting up and leaving San asleep in his bed. He must've woken him up, though. Because San is by his side again within minutes.

He wordlessly sits down next to him, grabbing a cigarette from the pack Wooyoung had taken.

Wooyoung's done with his cigarette by the time San finally breaks the silence. "Can't sleep?"

Wooyoung shrugs. "Something like that."

"Don't worry so much."

He looks to the side, San doesn't look back to meet his eyes. "Who said I was worried?"

San chuckles softly, finally facing him. He reaches one hand forward to press his thumb between Wooyoung's brows, smoothing out the frown that Wooyoung's didn't even realise had formed. "What is it you're thinking about?"

"This game again?" He rolls his eyes but San doesn't reply, merely shrugging, silently urging him to speak. Wooyoung sighs, giving in. "All sorts of things."

"Such as?"

"Just the past, the future. Our future, and whatever the fuck that means. I don't know how to envision that. I didn't even really see a future for myself. And now I don't only have to worry about that, but also about making one with someone else. And all I can think about is all the different ways I could fuck it up. I don't want to hurt you."

San purses his lips. "Whatever."

Wooyoung blinks in confusion. "Whatever?"

"Yeah, whatever. The future is not our concern right now. Besides, so what if I get hurt? I've been hurt before, I will undoubtedly get hurt again. Shit happens. Don't get hung up on the possibility that you might hurt me in the future, it's whatever. You might hurt me, I might hurt you. And then we pick up the pieces and build them up again and start over. Or not, maybe we won't. But that's not our concern right now."

"You called me unintentionally destructive..."

"What?" Now it's San's turn to frown, until the memory seems to come back to him. "Oh- I was drunk. But yeah, maybe there's a truth to that. Whatever."

Wooyoung chuckles this time. "Whatever?"

"Yeah. You were hurt, I was hurt. We were both lashing out. You were unintentionally destructing me, but that wasn't fully on you or me. You may think you're bad at love, but I have some news for you, I suck too. I think you think I'm better than I am."

That stuns Wooyoung. "Really?"

"Wooyoung, take a look at my life. Nobody that comes from a home like mine has a healthy view on love. I'm too codependent, and insecure. I get jealous, and scared. Yes I have a lot of love to give, but I give it in odd ways and I'm awful at receiving it. You're not the only one likely to fuck up in this relationship."

"I... I guess I never thought about that. I guess that because you seem so comfortable with saying the words I didn't think about everything that goes on behind it."

"Yes. Because I love love, I told you that. I'm a romantic and I've been open about that. I think maybe that gave you a twisted view of how good I actually am at it. Just because I like it doesn't mean I know how to do it right."

Wooyoung thinks about that for a few seconds before a smile creeps up on his face, the words making him way too happy. "You suck at this! I never noticed that but you're right."

"Don't look so happy about it." San rolls his eyes but pulls Wooyoung against his side, resting his head on his shoulder. "Don't put so much pressure on yourself. We struggle in different ways, but we're both struggling."

Wooyoung giggles, lifting San's head off his shoulder to kiss him. "Thank you. That's exactly what I needed to hear."

San smiles, kissing him back. "See, we'll figure these things out as they come to us."

They shouldn't go as well together as they do, probably. Salty sand and pine scented dirt. He just hopes they'll somehow create a soil together that something can go from. Something new. Something wonderful.

He's just lit the last candle when the front door to San's apartment opens. He decided to try and do something sweet, got the apartment ready, dressed up cutely. San's eyes meet his the second he steps through the front door, pushing it close behind him. He doesn't even take off his jacket before approaching Wooyoung, still standing in the middle of the living room.

"You look so beautiful." San smiles sweetly, pressing a gentle peck to Wooyoung's lips.

"Oh-" Wooyoung blushes. "Thank you, but look at the room."

"How are you so pretty?" San frowns, his eyes have yet to leave Wooyoung's face.

"Uhm... I-I did my hair." Wooyoung stutters. "Why- you're flustering me!" He slaps San's arm playfully. "You're ruining my cute thing, stop staring at me."

San giggles and kisses him again before finally taking off his coat and glancing around the room. "Did you prepare all this?"

Wooyoung nods excitedly. "I wanted to do something like in the movies. Look-" he gestures to the table. "I put down rose petals, some candles, I made you a pizza, your favourite."

San eyes widen at the sight of the food. "You made this pizza?"

"Well-" Wooyoung blushes. "Not this one, the one I made got burned, I ordered this one from that place you like."

San cackles at that. "So that's what I smell."

"Sorry," Wooyoung winces. "I figured it'd be sweeter if I made it myself, but turns out I'm not that good a cook."

"I think you're very very sweet." San's smile is radiant like a hundred suns and Wooyoung feels himself once again melting under the warmth of it. "Why did you do all this?"

"Because I've been feeling bad about everything." San goes to respond but Wooyoung interrupts him. "And I know it's not all my fault, and I know you're gonna say it's fine. And it's true I never meant to hurt you, I was just struggling, but I still did. I wanted to do something to make you happy. And also you just deserved something cute."

San nods easily, "I do deserve something cute."

Wooyoung nods quickly, wrapping his arms around San's neck and kissing his nose. "I really wanna try to be a good boyfriend, for you. I'll try and communicate more, and do all the stuff I hate like the fair dates. I wanna make you happy."

San smiles, hands stroking up and down Wooyoung's waist. "That's very sweet, Wooyoung. But I wanna make you happy too, if there's things you really don't like we don't have to do them. It's about us both being comfortable."

Wooyoung's entire body feels like one big smile. "Thank you. But I think I might be starting to like the sappy romantic things. Very secretly. It's kinda fun... Don't tell anybody I said that."

"I won't," San giggles. "But we can do whatever we like, and discover new things about ourselves together."

Wooyoung nods. "Sounds good. I really wanna make this work. Which means you have to call me out on my bullshit. And I will call you out on yours."

"Deal." San smiles, kissing him again.

"Okay, let's eat that pizza before it gets cold." He drags San over to the table, the smile on his face doesn't seem to wanna leave. "I got us some wine, a bit fancier than the cheap stuff we usually drink. And after dinner I have ice cream for us, chocolate, which I know you like."

San's laughter is so gentle Wooyoung feels the sound wrap around his insides. "You're so excited."

"I really am." Wooyoung frowns, smiling still. "I didn't expect that either. This is fun. Having a boyfriend is fun, I can just like do all these things now that never seemed like they were for me. Like it's stuff a part of me always kinda wanted, and now I get to do them and I thought I'd be terrified but I'm just excited. For the first time in my life I feel like I can actually do this, and it's all thanks to you."

"It's insane how you keep getting cuter." San sits down at the table, opening their bottle of wine. "I'm happy you're enjoying this."

"I am." Wooyoung nods excitedly, sitting down across from San, watching him pour their glasses. "Is it weird I just wanna eat while sitting in your lap? I kinda just wanna kiss you all over."

"Food first, then we'll see about the kissing all over."

"Fine." Wooyoung pouts while grabbing a slice of pizza. "I guess I'll just wait. Meanie."

San smiles around his pizza when he sinks his teeth into it, tomato sauce in the corners of his mouth when he speaks. "I love you."

Wooyoung watches him wipe the sauce from his chin, feeling peace run through his entire body. "I love you."

Finally everything he felt was unattainable for him is actually his. And the thirteen year old inside him who still remains by the seaside has finally found some peace. He feels himself healing. And it's not scary, it's the easiest thing he's ever done.

"Hello, handsome." Wooyoung grins when San walks into his apartment. It's almost like he has the place to himself nowadays, with Yeosang always being over at Jongho's.

"Hey." San offers a halfhearted smile, letting himself fall down onto the couch next to Wooyoung. He immediately cuddles into his side, sighing when he hides his face in Wooyoung's neck.

"You alright?" Wooyoung worries, raking his fingers through San's hair.

"A bit tired, shitty day at school and all." He leans back to press a kiss to Wooyoung's cheek before settling back into his earlier position. "Just mentally exhausted. Missed you."

"Well you're here now." Wooyoung smiles, softly scratching San's scalp. "So that's one problem solved. What happened at school?"

"Just a project, I'm kinda in over my head, it's all just not looking the way I wanted it to, you know?"

"Hm..." Wooyoung nods. "When I get sad about one thing I tend to get sad about everything else all of a sudden also. Is it like that?"

San nods with a smile. "Yeah, like that."

"Can I help?" He kisses his forehead and San blushes sweetly.

"You're already helping." San presses a kiss to his neck. "But we can go do something. Something fun."

"What kinda something?"

"I don't know," San shrugs.

"Wanna take a walk? Watch funny cat videos? Have sex?"

San smiles, "I could eat."

"Is that your solution to everything?"

"It keeps working."

"Dinner it is then." Wooyoung gets up off the couch. "C'mon lets dress up fancy, I'll get all pretty, then we can go to your place and you get in your best outfit. And we'll go eat something nice. Looking good makes you feel good."

"Another date night?" San smiles up at him, still curled up on the couch.

"If you want." Wooyoung tries to pull him off the couch. "It'll be fun."

Call it the honeymoon phase, but everything is going better. Turns out most of their arguments really were just because they were both not being honest with themselves and each other. And with all the secrets and doubts out of the way communication has been so much easier. They can finally exist without second guessing every word and movement. In a way it's almost back to the way it was when they first met, but better.

They can have fun again, and be themselves. And every interaction isn't tainted by unspoken desires. Because there's no longer that constant worry about crossing a line, and the boundaries that exist. Everything is clear now, and out in the open. And now they can both finally move freely without the constant fear of stepping in a bear trap and fucking everything up.

Maybe Yunho had been onto something. San had been the one to push Wooyoung off the cliff, but falling somehow did turn into flying. And he's no longer gripping onto the edge in fear. Yunho's stupid inspirational quote had been onto something after all.

Wooyoung can finally be more of who he wants to be, more of who he really is. And San can finally be more comfortable, less tense. Wooyoung realises his behaviour was shitty, but it really had all come from a place of fear. And the same goes for San, and his hurtful words and urge to pick fights. That same fear.

And now in a way it really does feel like last summer again. And their time now spent together reminds of Wooyoung of why he'd fallen so hard for San in the first place.

"Okay, quick, get ready." San urges him on with a smile, earlier sadness seemingly already forgotten. "Talking about food gets me hungry."

"Don't rush me." Wooyoung scolds. "I wanna go get pretty."

"But you're already so pretty." San whines, standing up to take Wooyoung's hands and kiss him.

"Yes, I am. But I'm still gonna go get ready. You watch some TV, keep yourself busy." He says the words like he's speaking to an unruly child he's trying to distract and San rolls his eyes.

"Okay, but my jaw better be on the floor when you come back."

"You’re putting too much pressure on me," Wooyoung scolds. "I'll try my best."

Wooyoung quickly learns he loves dates.

Another burger night, it's been a while. A long while. Months, now that Wooyoung thinks about it. His and Yeosang's peaceful lives really were thrown for a loop. All eight of them decided to meet up, that has also been a while.

"You alright?" San wonders, they're walking to the restaurant, hand in hand, just the two of them. A small bottle of a vodka cola mix shared between them. They've both been drinking less. Less destructively, at least. But a small drink shared between them felt like a good way to get ready for the evening ahead of them.

"Why do you ask?" Wooyoung takes a small sip before handing the reused water bottle back to him.

San shrugs, "you just seem a little distracted."

"Why are you so perceptive?" Wooyoung sighs, he looks the other way, watches the cars pass by. The scent of rain and gasoline hanging low in the streets.

"Because I know you too well."

"That's true, you need to stop that." He worries his lip between his teeth. He does give in eventually, he always does. "This guy came into work yesterday, a customer, but I know him from way back. We used to mess around a bit. The conversation somehow led to me telling him I have a boyfriend now."

San glances to the side, "and?"

"He laughed in my face. Just straight up laughed in my face. And then said sure. And kinda walked out after that."

"Fuck that," San frowns. "He doesn't know you."

Wooyoung nods. "Yeah- no, you're right. It just... I'm just worried I'm deluding myself into thinking I can do this. Like I've been so happy this past week, I'm scared I'm just fooling myself, trying to convince myself I'm capable of this."

"Is that what you really believe?"

Wooyoung hesitates before shaking his head. "No. But a part of me is also scared I'm fooling you, subconsciously. Like I'm accidentally tricking you into loving me, tricking you into believing I'm a good option."

San nods carefully, thinking about Wooyoung's words. "Do you feel like you've been pretending this past week, like you're not being yourself?"

"I think I've felt more like myself this past week than I ever have before. And that's why I know I'm being dumb, it's such a stupid fucking fear."

"It's not stupid. It's perfectly human to be scared."

"I feel like I've just been repeating myself, but I still don't know how to properly articulate myself. It's just that I know I'm not lying, I love you, I want to be with you so badly. I'm so glad we are where we are right now. There's just this irrational voice in my head that's trying to convince me I'm tricking people into liking me. This stupid little voice, that tells me how worthless and awful I am, and it never leaves. And until now all I've been doing is listening to that stupid little voice, and I've just been feeding into it. Figured that if I can't get rid of it I might as well not try to be any better than it tells me I am. But now I'm trying to fight the voice, because I know it's not true, I know the voice is just being mean. But it feels more present than ever now, now that I'm trying to work against it. Every time I try to be good, try to be myself. It just gets louder and louder. It keeps reiterating how awful I am and I don't know how to make it go away. I don't know, the more I try to prove the voice wrong the louder it gets, it's trying to sabotage all my happiness."

"I have a voice like that." San nods.

Wooyoung glances to the side. "Really?"

"Yeah, except it tells me I'm useless and invisible and that nobody needs me. It's that same voice, just saying different things. It's difficult, it gets so loud sometimes. I just keep trying to fight it with actions. I try to be there for people, I try to be kind and helpful. And that voice keeps trying to overpower me. But the longer I continue fighting it the quieter it gets. It's a tough journey, it seems never ending. You just have to keep going. For yourself, for others. You just have to keep proving it wrong, and it'll keep getting easier."

"You think I can do that?" Wooyoung smiles, feeling emotional.

"Definitely, we can do it together. You see, even right now there's this little voice in my head that tells me I'll be of no use to you. But I'm ignoring it. Because I know I'm good to you, and for you, and with you. It's an uphill battle, you just have to keep fighting."

"I'll keep fighting, because of you." Wooyoung leans in to press a kiss to his lips.

"My voice just got a little quieter again," San smiles.

"Mine too." Wooyoung grins back. "Maybe one day it'll be gone completely."

"Yeah, maybe. When were eighty and we have four cats and we'll be sitting in our big living room chairs, and everything will be peaceful. Our life, our minds, our love."

"Eighty?" Wooyoung's eyes crinkle up with his smile. "We'll be eighty with cats?"

"I hope so." San shrugs. "I like to think so. No kids so no grandkids, just us and all the cats, in a nice countryside home. We'll go to bingo once a month, see the other guys as often as we can all manage. And there'll be no voices. Everything will be peaceful."

Wooyoung nods, he takes his bottom lip between his teeth when his smile gets so big it hurts. "That sounds perfect. I'd love that, every bit of it."

"Good." San smiles back, kissing his cheek. "We can grow into peace together, I'm sure of it."

"Grow into peace together." Wooyoung nods carefully. "I like that."

"Good, now pull yourself together because we're here." San commands when they halt before the door of the diner.

"I'm ready." Wooyoung squeezes his hand. "And I don't just mean for tonight, I mean for everything. I'm ready to grow into peace with you."

San's smile get lost within the short kiss shared between them. "I love you."

"And I love you." Wooyoung kisses back.

"Ready to face the gremlins?"

"Not at all, let's do it."

"The rumours are true!" Yunho greets way too loudly from across the restaurant when he sees them walking inside holding hands. "I couldn't believe it until I saw it with my own eyes."

Wooyoung grins and holds their entangled hands up in the air for the whole table to see. "Yes indeed, the rumours are true. We are officially boyfriends."

"About time." Seonghwa smiles.

"Wait-" Mingi interrupts with a frown, looking to Wooyoung. "Does this mean we're actually not gonna have sex?"

Wooyoung scoffs, "that was never on the table, loser."

"Well that's just a lie." Mingi rolls his eyes, looking the other way defiantly.

"Happy late birthday, hyung." Wooyoung opts to ignore Mingi to greet Seonghwa, whose birthday had been three days ago. It's part of the reason they find themselves here tonight.

"Thank you very much, sweetie."

Wooyoung forces Jongho to scoot over so he can San can sit next to each other, his eyes never leaving Seonghwa's as he shoves the younger to the side. "So what would you like as a present? I haven't gotten around to it and I don't know what you'd want."

"I don't need anything. Honestly, you've already given me the best gift ever."

Wooyoung looks around in confusion. "Which is?"

"This-" he gestures to him and San with a smile. "This is all I wanted."

He hesitates. "So... the best present ever was me fucking your roommate...?"

Yunho scoffs. "That's no fair! I could've done that."

"Not fucking my roommate." He slaps Yunho against the back of his head. "I just wanted to see you both happy."

"I'll get you some nail polish." Wooyoung dismisses Seonghwa, whose eyes widen in excitement at the words.

"Oh, that'd be nice! A dark purple please?"

"Will do." He nods with a chuckle. San's hand is trailing up and down his leg just like it had the first time they were all here together.

Hongjoong speaks up like he'd read his mind. "Remember like seven months ago, when we hung out for the first time, all of us together. Right here."

"Yeah, I do." Yeosang smiles, "this exact same table too, I think."

"Yeah, it was." Seonghwa agrees, pointing at Yunho. "You and Mingi were arguing the whole night. And San and Wooyoung wouldn't stop flirting."

"I remember." Wooyoung laughs, thinking back on that odd night where he found his new best friends. "And remember Yeosang gave Jongho that blowjob in the bathroom before desert." His laughter dies down when he notices the way Yeosang's shooting daggers with his eyes. "...Secret blowjob."

"Wasn't that secret." San scoffs. "The swollen lips and messy hair left very little to the imagination."

"Yeah, honey." Jongho brushes his hand through Yeosang's hair. "I don't think we fooled anybody."

"Still..." Yeosang pouts.

"To think four of us ended up in relationships since then." Mingi shakes his head in disbelief. "Isn't that crazy?"

"It is, we've all grown so much." Seonghwa nods. "Except Mingi, of course."

Mingi glares at him. "I've grown!"

"Whatever you say, man." Yunho pats him on the back. "We still love you."

"Speak for yourself." Jongho hides the insult behind a few quick sips of his drink.

"You know..." Seonghwa starts again. "I'm so much happier right now than I would've ever assumed back then. If you told me that day that I stopped... you know, and that I would now feel the way I do, I don't think I would've believed you."

"Same, actually." Hongjoong nods. "If you'd told me that day that seven months from then I'd be able to hold Yeosang's hand I probably would've called you an idiot."

Wooyoung giggles, "that's true. If you'd told me I'd be dating San now, in a loving relationship. Please- I would've laughed in your face."

"Yeah I would've laughed at that too." San agrees easily. "Kinda weird to think about where we all might be in another seven months. Maybe some of you guys will also be dating someone. One of us could be dead by then. I wonder what seven months from now us could tell us that would make us lose our minds right now."

"That's such a scary idea." Yunho agrees, "so much can change so quickly. It's terrifying."

"Kinda exciting too, though. Right?" Mingi smiles. "I mean, who knows, maybe we'll be dating by then."

"Nuh uh." Yunho shakes his head. "Not until we're forty, remember?"

"Who knows." Mingi grins teasingly, "anything can happen in seven months."

"Let's hope not."

"That would be the most terrifying relationship ever." Jongho stares at them, he doesn't look like he's joking. "You guys dating might be a genuine threat to humanity."

"True." Mingi nods. "Besides, let's face it, I'm way out of his league."

"Out of my league?" Yunho stresses every syllable. "My league? You are so delusional, you know. I swear to god you-"

"I guess some things never change." Seonghwa chuckles when Yunho and Mingi fall into another argument.

"Those two are gonna have the most toxic marriage some day." San sighs, sipping the drink the other's had ordered for him before they'd arrived.

"I wanna propose another toast." Hongjoong gets out of his seat with his drink in his hand.

They all lean back in their seats, looking up at the blue haired man. "Let's hear it."

"To another great seven months. And many more after that."

"To another great seven months." They all agree, clinking their glasses together.

Wooyoung raises his glass again. "And to love."

"To love." They all agree again.

It's been a good seven months. It's been challenging, and painful, and full of alcohol and fighting and tears. But it's been good. There's been enough laughter to cancel out the tears and enough love to cancel out the pain. It's been a good seven months.

In a way it's been a good ten months, since that party at Jongho's. It's been a good ten months.

Wooyoung watches Yunho and Mingi argue, watches Seonghwa play with Hongjoong's hair, watches Yeosang tease Jongho by poking his cheeks. He feels San's hand on his leg, feels the smile press into his shoulder where he's resting, feels the shaking of his body as he laughs against him. Hears their loud voices trying to overpower each other, smells all their perfumes and the food from the kitchen. He tastes the word love on his tongue. And it tastes good. It tastes sweet, and warm.

San nudges his nose against his neck. "What're you thinking about?"

"About my senses, how much a person can experience all at once. How it's all coated in love. How much I love you. I'm thinking about how much I love you, and how I'll spend every day making sure you really feel that. For as long as you'll let me. I wanna coat everything you experience in love too."

"You do." San smiles, pressing a kiss to his jaw. "I love you too."

"Thank you." Wooyoung grabs his hand and squeezes it softly.

San nods, squeezing back. "Thank you too."

It's been a good ten months. And the next ten will be even better. And the ten after that. And the ones after that. It's a bold assumption, but he can sense it. He feels sure, strangely enough. That's been happening more and more this past week. There'll be ups and downs, but it'll be good. He is good with San, and San is good with him. San is what’s been missing. That puzzle piece that finally allowed him to see where the big picture is going.

Yeah... San is just what he needed.