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Shinazugawa Sanemi tries not to think about his family.
Not thinking about them is easier.
The truth then becomes simple and easy: Shinazugawa Sanemi is a Hashira. He is a Demon Slayer. His job is to kill demons.
So that's what he's doing, paying no attention to who the demons were when they were still alive.
It's easy not to think. The world then becomes black and white. Sanemi takes his sword and kills demons, because demons are not people, they cannot be treated the same way. They are beings who only know how to kill and hurt others. There is no rescue for them, no salvation for them.
This truth is simple and easy. Sanemi is happy with it because it is then easy for him to explain his own past. It is then easy for him to say that he did what he had to do, no matter what others might say.
Even if Sanemi is well aware that this is not entirely true.
Kamado Nezuko proved it to him.
Kamado Nezuko, who doesn't eat people, even being a demon.
Kamado Nezuko, who is almost human.
If demons are humans, what are Demon Slayers then?
Murderers, nothing else.
And there is Sanemi, who killed his mother without knowing what happened to her. Hoping that the woman would come back to her senses, that she would return to her pre-madness self.
Genya rightly called him a murderer.
So it should come as no surprise that Sanemi is not about to let his only younger brother follow the same path as him. Genya is still young. There is no reason for him to become the same as his older brother.
It's easier to be cruel to him. It's easier to yell at him, easier to cut him off, easier to say out loud that Sanemi has no brother.
Because Genya deserves a better brother than the murderer that Sanemi is. Genya deserves more, he deserves so much.
So when Genya tries to talk to him during Hashira Training; when he tells him that Genya eats demons - Sanemi snaps.
Genya is better than him.
Sanemi will make sure that he survives, that he doesn't lose his life - even if it means that Genya will be injured, that he will be irreparably damaged. At least that way Genya won't be able to fight - and that means he will keep his life. He won't have to become a murderer like Sanemi. He will be able to live a normal, happy life. And yes, he will curse Sanemi, but that's okay.
Sanemi is able to accept his hatred.
No, Sanemi needs his hatreds - because he doesn't deserve anything more.
And that's why Sanemi turns away, determined to blind his brother, because that's the only way he can save him.
Kamado Tanjirou stops him–
–and Sanemi is grateful to him for it.
Even though he knows that by doing so he would save Genya's life, he is happy that his brother will not suffer.
Except that Genya will suffer anyway, it's only a matter of time.
Because this is the fate of Demon Slayers.
Kocho Shinobu comes to him towards the evening, when things have calmed down and when Sanemi has no one left to hit - all the other Demon Slayers have already either fled or are unconscious.
A woman grabs his arm as he passes her.
Sanemi could shove her away from him. Force her to stop touching him. But Shinobu is Kanae's sister - she's also someone Sanemi quite likes (as much as he can like others). So, instead of forcibly forcing her to let go, he simply looks at her with expectant eyes.
“What do you want, Shinobu?” he asks in a sharp tone.
Usually this kind of tone is enough to make his interlocutor regret that he started talking to him at all.
But not Shinobu.
No, Shinobu merely looks at him with those calm eyes of hers. She smiles, but by her look Sanemi realizes rather quickly that she is not pleased.
“Ara, ara, Shinazugawa-san, I didn't expect that we would come to see each other so soon,” she says. “Sometimes I feel like you're almost an honorary member of Butterfly Mansion, you're there so often.”
Sanemi pulls his arm from her grasp.
“Say what you want or leave me alone,” he orders sharply.
But Shinobu doesn't even twitch. She is his doctor; Sanemi wouldn't even count how many times she has saved his life.
Which still doesn't make him have to be especially nice to her.
“I heard about what happened,” Shinobu says, finally getting to the real reason she came here. “Please remember that we need you in full health to fight against Muzan, Shinazugawa-san. I would not want accidental wounds to contribute to your death.”
“No one has yet died from a fist fight,” says Sanemi, pretending that he has no idea what Shinobu is really referring to. That he doesn't know that her fingers were actually searching for new wounds on his arm, hidden under his uniform.
He doesn't need another lecture from her. He knows perfectly well that Shinobu does not support most of his life decisions.
“You're right, Shinazugawa-san,” Shinobu smiles at him, in that crooked way that makes Sanemi feel like throwing up. It's an almost perfect copy of Kanae's smile. He wonders if Shinobu realizes this? No, surely she must be aware of it. “Be careful, please. There are many people who need you. And I'm not just saying that because you are Hashira.”
“I'm always careful,” lies Sanemi.
“If you say so, Shinazugawa-san,” Shinobu continues to smile. “If you only have time, come to my office, please. I have a certain poison that I would like to test. Perhaps your blood will be helpful.”
Which is probably supposed to be another way to hassle him later about what happened to Genya. Shinobu won't demand an explanation; she knows Sanemi won't give it to her if he doesn't want it. But Shinobu will look at him carefully and ask him questions about his condition and his body - questions that Sanemi won't want to answer, but will answer anyway, because Shinobu will find a way to coax the truth out of him, as she always does. And although he will hate the conversation, he will leave the woman's office a little calmer. He will hate himself a little less for a while.
“If I have time,” says Sanemi.
Shinobu doesn't bother of him any longer.
They both still have a lot of things to do.
Iguro Obanai is waiting for him at the same place, at the same time. For weeks both have been sparing, constantly clashing with each other and trying to be better, better, better.
To beat Muzan, they need to be stronger. Currently, they have no chance to win against him.
Hashira's number has dwindled to seven for good reason.
Sanemi doesn't speak, focusing on his training. He is not enough, he is not strong enough. So he will become stronger, no matter what he has to do.
Obanai is a good opponent. He is also the only person Sanemi can call his friend, mainly because Obanai rarely ever teases him and they just get along well together.
Sanemi enjoys training with him. Obanai never holds back when they do. He's always quick, and his punches have the fury and anger that Obanai often hides inside. But Sanemi sees him, always sees him, just as he sees the hatred that Obanai is blazing at both the demons and himself.
Oh yes, they are both alike.
Each of them hates himself. It's a hatred that helps them function.
Their duels are often brutal. Often it's only a miracle that neither of them loses a limb or a life - neither of them wants to hurt the other, but sometimes there's just no other option. If they want their skills to get better, to climb to the next level, they need to get stronger, faster. This is often the case when they are fighting for their lives, perfectly aware that one wrong move will make them never open their eyes again.
But that's okay.
Obai's sword slices through the air, aiming for Sanemi.
Sanemi sees the blow. He would have been able to avoid it - if only he wanted to. But now he's not going to. He lets the blade slice through his arm - it's just a small wound, another scar to add to his collection, which is growing steadily, often at Sanemi's own insistence. The pain is something that helps him function properly. It lets him know he is alive - it reminds him that he still exists, and that as long as he breathes, he will keep killing demons.
Obanai suddenly retreats and hides his sword.
“What are you doing?” he asks in a sharp tone.
“Ha?!” Sanemi raises his voice, entering a defensive tone. “Pull out that sword! We're not done yet!”
“But I'm done,” says Obanai, looking at him with cold eyes. “There is clearly something wrong. You are not focusing on me. What is going on?”
“Nothing!” Sanemi looks at him with exasperation.
He likes Obanai precisely because the latter usually keeps his distance. He doesn't ask unnecessary questions or stick his nose where it doesn't need to be. He respects the boundaries Sanemi sets.
Obanai remains silent. Kaburamaru glances at Sanemi, as if the stupid snake wants to hiss at him.
Sanemi struggles to restrain himself from hissing in his direction.
“I heard about your brother,” Obanai speaks up after a long time.
“Ha?!” Sanemi looks at him with rage. “About who? I don't have a brother!”
The denial comes to him instinctively, before he has time to think about what he said.
Obanai looks at him, unmoved.
“I heard you tried to blind him,” he says. “The entire Demon Slayers Corps already knows about it.”
“So what about it?” Sanemi asks. “Genya is weak! So I proved it to him!”
Himejima-san is able to overcome his blindness, but Sanemi knows that Genya is not the same. Blindness would be the end for Genya - unless he eats demons again, regenerating his eyes.
Sanemi tries not to think about that.
“You're lying,” Obanai says. “That's not why you wanted to hurt your brother.”
“For the last time I say, I don't have a brother!”
“You are running away,” Obanai states. “You are running away from him.”
Sanemi punches him in the face with his fist.
Or rather: he tries to, because Obanai avoids the blow and his snake looks at him with mocking eyes.
This only makes Sanemi even more furious. He doesn't draw his sword; no, instead he punch his friend again and again, sickly pleased to see that Obanai is unable to parry all the blows, especially not when they come from his blind side.
If Obanai had drawn his sword, the situation would have been very different. But Obanai stubbornly refuses to reach for his sword or even respond with an attack of his own; just as years earlier Rengoku Kyojuro refused to strike Sanemi during their first meeting.
Coward.
Sanemi's fist stops just short of Obanai's face. At the last moment he refrains from hitting his friend, knowing that this time Obanai would not be able to protect himself.
“What are you doing?!” yells Sanemi. “Fight back, you coward!”
Obanai doesn't respond, he only takes a few steps back, looking at him, watching him carefully, ready to react as if Sanemi was about to hit him.
But he doesn't attack him.
No, he just stares at him, as if Sanemi is a wild beast that no one can control.
“What is it, Obanai?!” asks Sanemi, feeling his rage getting even greater. “Are you unable to attack me? Or are you better than me, huh? Maybe you can afford something more than attacking someone like me, a common murderer, hey!”
Words that were meant to be mockery are suddenly not.
Sanemi realizes that he made a mistake the moment understanding appears in Obanai's eyes.
Damn.
He said more than he should have.
“So it's like this,” Obanai says before Sanemi has time to explain himself somehow. “It's about your brother. It's about your mother.”
Sanemi curses the fact that he once told Obanai about what Genya called him when he saw him standing over their mother's body.
Sanemi opens his mouth to deny it; to say that Obanai is wrong.
Obanai is first.
“If you are a murderer because you killed your mother turned into a demon, then I am a murderer too,” Obanai says. “That makes all the people around you murderers.”
Sanemi clasps his hands together.
This is something else.
There is a difference between killing someone, knowing that this person is a demon; and between killing someone, being convinced that you are dealing with a human being.
“Don't think yourself special,” Obanai says, and his tone is as sharp as his sword when he kills demons. “You wouldn't be the first Demon Slayer to kill demons, thinking he was dealing with a human.”
“I know that perfectly well!” growls Sanemi. “Do you have something else to tell me, huh?”
“Stop punishing yourself,” Obanai puts his hand on Kaburamaru's head as the snake looks at Sanemi with slight concern. “I am not here for you to punish yourself with my help.”
Sanemi feels like laughing.
Him, punishing himself? What a thought!
“Do what you want with your brother, but leave me out of it. We'll fight tomorrow. Today I've lost the will to do it, and I don't think it's going to help you,” Obanai says.
Sanemi becomes even more eager to hit him.
Obanai acts as if he knows everything, as if he has the solution to all his problems, when in the meantime he himself is no better. They are able to get along with each other because neither of them is a good person; because neither of them fights for the Greater Good, but because they need to kill demons because that's what the hatred that keeps them alive requires.
Obanai stops. Sanemi throws him a furious look. Wasn't he supposed to go?
“I fought with Kyojuro,” Obanai says suddenly. “Before he died. I didn't have time to apologize to him.”
“So what?” asks Sanemi in a sharp tone. “Do you want me to feel sorry for you now?”
“No,” replies Obanai calmly. “But you should talk to your brother before you lose him. I didn't manage to talk to mine.”
Sanemi doesn't answer right away.
He is well aware that in their lives they do not have the privilege of choosing a date of death. He found this out painfully with Kanae. He did not manage to confess his feelings to her.
He waited too long.
As he always does.
Sanemi clenched his hands into a fist.
Tell everything to Genya? It won't change much anyway. Genya will hate him, rightfully so. And even if he doesn't hate him, he'll be disgusted by the way Sanemi conveyed his love.
Can something so damaged and distorted even be called love?
But Genya was looking for him. He followed him all the time, insistently wanting something from him. There was something he wanted to tell him.
He called him his brother, even though he knew what Sanemi had committed. When he looked at him, you couldn't see the hatred in his eyes.
Genya is sixteen years old.
Perhaps Sanemi should stop treating him as a child. Perhaps he should tell him everything - even if it doesn't change anything. But, perhaps... perhaps if Sanemi apologized to him, if he told him that there isn't a day when he doesn't regret the death of their mother... perhaps that would give Genya some peace of mind. Perhaps if Genya understood why Sanemi didn't want him to fight... that Genya was the only member of his family he had left...
Perhaps then Genya would finally stop being a Demon Slayer.
And perhaps Genya, like Sanemi, needs an enemy.
Perhaps this is the path Genya has chosen, with full knowledge.
And perhaps Sanemi has no right to forbid it to him.
As Sanemi blinks his eyes, he realizes that Obanai is still waiting for him. Sanemi still hasn't answered him.
“…fine,” Sanemi says. “I'll talk to him. And I'll apologize to him.”
Even if it doesn't make a difference, at least he owes Genya that much.
He doesn't manage to apologize to Genya.
He doesn't manage to say everything he would like to.
Before Sanemi gets through to him, before he manages to find a way to talk to his brother so that Genya won't find it strange, before he manages to form in his head the words he wants to say to him, the night is shaken by an explosion.
Kibutsuji Muzan has arrived.
And Ubuyashiki Kagaya is dead.
So they fight, not caring whether they are in the real world or the Infinite Castle.
Then there's Genya.
Genya, who wasn't supposed to be there. Genya who was supposed to be safe.
The Genya that Sanemi can't manage to save.
All he can do is watch the life slip away from his brother; how Genya is the one apologizing to him - for words spoken years ago, words Sanemi never blamed him for.
And then his brother's body melts away, like every other demon Sanemi has killed before.
Sanemi's hands are empty, tears roll down his cheeks, and there is this awful sensation of emptiness in his chest that he can't fill with anything.
Is there a difference between a demon and a human, between a Demon Slayer and a murderer?
Sanemi doesn't know.
But one thing he does know: he will kill Kibutsuji Muzan.
That's all he has left.