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Big Brown Eyes

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It was a cold but pleasent evening in Brooklyn, New York for Captain Raymond Holt and his husband, Kevin Cozner. They had celebrated the birthday of one of their dear friends, Dr. Kenneth Cairns, at a delightful restaurant which had a wide selection of Raymond's favourite wines. Husband and husband both agreed the evening had been wonderful and that Kenneth had deserved all the well wishes he had recieved from his colleagues and friends.

The soft pitter patter of rain beat down on the car roof as Kevin and Raymond drove through the streets of Brooklyn in perfect silence. Bright lights of Chinese restaurants and nightclubs shone through the streets and various types of pop and rap music came out of the radio. Other then that, there was silence in the car - just how they liked it.

The pair left the busy streets of Brooklyn as they drove closer to their home. Lamposts, trash cans and townhouses went by in a flash. There were no people except a few young couples, giggling on the high of romance, and a few.

"Peralta?"

Kevin looked over at his husband, and stopped the car at the mention of Jacob Peralta. They were driving by the park and Raymond squinted to get a better look.

"Raymond?" Kevin asked. "Is everything alright?"

"Peralta and his son are in the park." Raymond informed his husband.

Kevin was shocked. "At this time of night? Raymond, are you sure? It's nearly midnight and McClane is five years old, he should have been in bed hours ago and surely even Peralta wouldn't have his son out this late at night."

"I am sure, Kevin." Raymond said, and exited the car. Kevin sighed and followed him, even if it wasn't Peralta and his son, no child should be out this late at night.

The night was colder, borderline freezing, and Kevin was now even more worried for the safety of the child. The wind whistled through the trees and leaves blew through the air as the frozen grass crunched underneath Kevin and Raymond's feet as they walked towards the man and the boy, huddled together for warmth.

Jacob Peralta sat on that old park bench with only a t-shirt and jeans on him - not even shoes, the man was just wearing a pair of blue Crocs. He was shivering and sniffling as he talked to the little bundle in his arms - his son. McClane was wrapped in a checkered shirt, a hoodie and Peralta's jacket, and at the very least, was wearing a pair of shoes even if they didn't match - one of then being a light up Paw Patrol and the other being a shoe with a large print of a bear on the side of the shoe.

"And it's gonna be okay, Macadoodle, because Dad's here. Dad's here." Peralta's voice broke as he held the sleeping boy closer to him and then something in Kevin broke. His heart ached for his husband's favourite detective and his child. "And you're safe from him and it's gonna be okay. Dad's gonna figure it all out in the morning."

They had obviously been in a rush. To get something - or someone. Kevin may not know all that much about Mac, but one could tell that Jacob loved his son and was a good father. His main concern - keeping his son safe. 

"Peralta?" Raymond said softly.

Jake turned around sharply, gun drawn. But when he saw Raymond and Kevin, he breathed a sigh of relief, but he still held his son close.

"Hey Captain." He croaked; he was sick, Kevin thought to himself as he watched in stunned silence as Raymond took off his coat and wrapped it around Peralta's shoulders. "And hey to you too Kevin."

"Evening Peralta." Kevin said softly, speaking for the first time.

"What on earth are you doing out in this park in the middle of the night Peralta? And with your son? Are you insane?" Raymond said, sounding frutrasted.

But Peralta wouldn't look Raymond in the eyes.

"My dad showed up." He mumbled.

Kevin's heart skipped a beat. He knew enough about Roger Peralta from Raymond to know that the man was the worst father in America, and by extent, the worst grandfather. But what could have Roger possibly have done to Jake that he took his five year old son to a park in the middle of the night where all kinds of people wandered at this time of night?

"Oh Jake." Raymond said softly as he sat beside Jake on the bench. Jake held Mac tighter to him as Kevin sat as well. "What has he done now?"

"He showed up." Jake sniffled - whether the constant sniffling be because of sickness or emotion, Kevin didn't know. "At my apartment. I was in the kitchen, making Mac's dinner. He banged on the door until Mac started crying. I gave Mac my phone to watch Peppa Pig on and put him in my room. And I didn't know it was my dad, Captain, I swear I didn't!"

"I believe you Jake." Raymond said, wrapping an arm around the detective.

"And I answered the door like a fucking idiot." Jake sniffled, and he coughed and sneezed, and continued on. "And he barged in and we started fighting. I told him to get the fuck out and I didn't want him anywhere near Mac. But he said whatever is mine is his as well."

"So he believed he could just barge into your home?" Kevin asked slowly, shocked and horrified at the situation at hand. 

How could Roger Peralta do that?

"Yeah, pretty much. And he said he wanted to see Mac and I said no and told him to stay the fuck away from Mac and never to touch him, and well... He kinda hit me a couple of times." Jake said sheepishly.

"What?" Raymond said furiously. He looked at Jake's face closer in the night light, and saw a split lip, and a bruised eye. "Don't tell me he-"

"He didn't touch Mac." Jake said. He shifted the child in his arms so Raymond and Kevin could see him. "Look, see? He's fine, which is the most important thing."

Kevin looked at Mac Peralta with a sort of strange feeling in his chest. He had never met him - he hadn't attended Raymond's birthday party - but the child had dark brown, curly hair just like his father's, and he had freckles dotted across his adorable little face. And no doubt, when the child woke in the morning, somewhere safe and warm, he would open his eyes and Kevin would see the same doe brown eyes as Peralta's. The child was a smaller version of Jake, no doubt.

"And what happened after your father assaulted you?" Raymond was having trouble keeping his anger in control.

"Mac started screaming from the bedroom because he could hear all the fighting. Dad pushed me against the wall and said he was staying at my apartment whether I liked it or not. I got scared, sir, really fucking scared 'cause he was drunk as hell and Mac was in my bedroom all alone. So I grabbed Mac, put his shoes on and ran out the front door without my phone."

Mac whimpered in his father's arms. Kevin and Raymond both froze but Jake simply rocked the child back to sleep.

"It's alright, Mac, Dad's here." Jake whispered into his son's ears. "Dad's here."

Kevin bit down on his lip to avoid crying in public.

"And then I bought Mac pizza and we walked around for a few hours and looked at all the Christmas displays and then he got cold so I wrapped him up and he fell asleep so I just came to this random park to try figure something out. And I just was focused on keeping Mac warm. And he is warm, right? He's okay?"

Kevin put out a hand to stroke Mac's hair away from his face and felt the boy's warm breath on his hand.

"He's okay." He said and Jake breathed a sigh of relief. "But are you okay, Jake?"

Jake looked surprised that Kevin was calling him by his first name. "I'm fine." He said. "Not the first time Roger's knocked me around."

Raymond's eyes narrowed. "What do you mean?"

Jake went to speak, but was interrupted by some loud drunks singing from nearby.

Kevin coughed awkwardly. "Perhaps we should move our discussion elsewhere." He said. "Away from all these drunken hooligans."

Jake nodded as he stood up, Mac safely in his arms. "Good idea." He said. "But- but my apartment-"

"You'll come back to me and Kevin's home." Raymond said, he and Kevin standing as well. "In the interest for yours and Mac's safety."

Jake smiled. "That would be great." He said as they made their way towards the car.

.....................................

On the drive home Jake held his son close. Kevin blasted the heat in the car and Jake removed his hoodie, jacket and shirt from around Mac, and Kevin's heart melted when he saw Mac was wearing Spiderman pyjamas and odd shoes - one of them a bright neon green and the other a bright purple. It helped Kevin believe there was still some innocence in the child even after the horror he saw between his beloved father and his own grandfather.

"We have arrived." Kevin said as he pulled up outside his and Raymond's home. Jake wrapped his clothing around his son again and stepped out of the car, the child in his arms whimpering. It broke Kevin's heart.

"It's okay, Macccie." Jake whispered into his son's ear inbetween coughs. "It's okay."

"Come inside." Raymond said as he unlocked the front door. "It is cold, and I'm afraid you might be sick."

"I'll be fine." Jake sniffled. "Mac's more important."

"You're important too, Jake." Kevin said as he, Raymond and Jake stepped inside the hallway, Mac snoring loudly in his father's arms. "Cheddar, hush, there's a sleeping child."

Cheddar, who had run eagerly into the hallway to greet Raymond and Kevin, sat down on Kevin's request.

"Hey Cheddar." Jake said, as Raymond lead him to the living room. Jake lay Mac down on the couch and kneeled beside him as Raymond turned the heating system on; he never wanted to see Jake cold again.

"I'm sorry for barging in like this sir-" Jake began but Raymond interrupted him.

"Nonsense, Jake. You were invited into our home. You and your son are welcome here." Raymond said as the room began to warm up.

"Dad?"

Mac had woken up, eyes fluttering as Jake, worried, checked on his son, and Raymond couldn't help but look at the boy and wonder if Jake had looked like that when he was five years old. The boy sat up and rubbed his eyes - big, brown and endearing, like his father's own, and let out a huge yawn.

"Cap'n Holt!" Mac said as he yawned, and Raymond couldn't help but smile. "Hi!"

"Hello Mac." Raymond said as Cheddar ran into the room. "Ah, here's Cheddar, come to see you!"

"Dad, look! Doggie! Doggie!" Mac squealed as Cheddar jumped up on him.

"Cheddar, you do not jump on the guests." Kevin said as he walked back into the room with a tray with a few steaming mugs. "Ah, hello Mac."

"Doggie fluffy!" Mac squealed as Cheddar sat beside on the couch - like the good boy he was.

"Yes, Cheddar is Captain Holt and Professor Cozner's fluffy boy." Jake said, smiling as he sat beside Mac. 

"Why so formal? He is a child." Kevin asked as he poured tea for him, Raymond and Jake; hot milk for Mac as an alternative. 

"Trying to teach him to call people by their proper titles unless he's asked otherwise." Jake chuckled. "He wouldn't stop calling his teacher Maisie last week."

"The wonderful innocence of childhood." Kevin said. Mac looked at the tray and eyes widened at the sandwiches and (sugarless) biscuits on the tray. "You may call me Kevin, Mac. Here is some milk."

"I love milk Kev." Mac grinned as he picked the plastic cup and drank eagerly.

"His name is Kevin, Mac." Jake corrected gently as Raymond handed him some tea. "Say thank you for the milk."

"Thank you Kev!" Mac said, grinning happily. Kevin smiled back - and found he really didn't mind being called Kev by the little boy.

"You're welcome Mac." He said, and he picked up a custard cream and offered it to Mac. "You may have this as long as your father says yes."

Mac look with big, pleading eyes at his father. Jake nodded.

"Go on Mac, but just one." Jake said. Mac giggled as he took the biscuit and his milk and snuggled up against his dad, and Jake smiled.

It was mostly silence as they drank tea and milk, and ate the sandwiches and biscuits on the tray. Kevin couldn't help but notice Jake didn't touch any food.

Fifteen minutes later, Mac was snoring loudly against his father's side, milk and biscuit crumbs all over his face. Cheddar, of course, fell asleep on top of the boy's legs.

"Have you eaten Jake?" Raymond asked. One look at him; Kevin knew he had noticed Jake hadn't eaten, instead fusing over his son and making sure he was okay. When was the last time anyone made sure Jake was okay? "After the stress of the evening you surely must be straving."

"Ah, I'm fine Captain." Jake said, smiling, and something about seemed faked to Kevin. Something was not right about the detective.

"You were the only one who didn't eat anything." Raymond pointed out.

Jake didn't look Raymond in the eyes. Instead, he looked down at his son, stroking his hair.

"I thought you would have known." He said quietly. "Or Rosa or Gina would have told you."

"Known what, Jake?"

"I have an eating disorder, sir."

Shivers went down Kevin's back as he let the news sink in. Jake? The devoted father and detective? The man who Raymond had come to see as a son?

"And the only reason I'm telling you now is because I trust you and I know you won't tell the squad unless I say so." Jake said quietly as he wiped the milk and crumbs from his son's face. 

"That is true." Raymond said. "I will not tell anyone unless it is nesscary to do so."

"As will I." Kevin added on. He felt helpless. "When were you diagnosed?"

"Twenty." Jake answered. "So I was young. And I had just met Rosa, actually."

"Just after you entered the police academy." Raymond said.

"Yeah." Jake grinned. "And then I met Rosa. She knew cause she saw the diagnosis papers on my desk, saying I'd been diagnosed with ARFID..... they also said some other stuff as well, but she never told anyone. Gina knew, obviously, because she's my best friend."

"ARFID?" Kevin asked, confused. "I've never heard of that condition before."

"ARFID stands for Avoidant/Restrictive Food Intake Disorder." Raymond said, answering for Jake who refused to look away from his son. "It is often compared to picky eating. People with this disorder may not eat foods with a certain colour, aroma, texture or even brand name. Some signs include low interest in food, fears of choking or vomiting and recultance to eat around other people in a social setting."

"I see." Kevin said, his voice trembling. How long had Jake been suffering?

"It's been really hard for me." Jake mumbled. "Especially in high school when I had no diagnosis, and everyone except Gina seemed to think I was just a picky eater, and I knew I wasn't, but no one listened."

"Jake." Raymond asked. "The diagnosis papers Diaz found on your desk where it said you had been diagnosed with ARFID. You said they had 'some other stuff as well' to quote you exactly. What do you mean by that?"

Jake froze in place. For a few minutes he did not speak and avoided eye contact with Raymond and Kevin.

"It- it was in high school." He mumbled.

There was more silence. Kevin wanted to ask more, to know more, but knew better then to push Jake. If he and Raymond pushed Jake too far they would get nothing out of him. But still, he was so worried.

"I- I self harmed." Jake said quietly, his voice barely above a tiny whisper. He pulled up his sleeves, and Kevin and Raymond looked at the young man's arms. They saw tiny, faint white lines on his wrists, and Raymond's heart broke.

Jake. Jake. How could he have been suffering for this long? 

And how long had it been before red, bleeding cuts on his wrists faded to faint, white scars?

"And since I'm being so honest, I might as well tell you." Jake's voice and hands were shaking. Raymond was worried they had pushed him too far, that they had crossed his bounds, but Jake continued. "I was suicidal as well. Really fucking suicidal, I keep getting myself into 'accidents' just to see if my dad would care enough to visit. Not bad enough to go to the hospital, but bad enough I was stuck at home for a few days."

"I don't know why I got myself into those 'accidents' so often just for my child abusing father to come visit. I guess I just wanted my dad. He beat me and he hated me since I was born and I don't know why I wanted him to visit so bad."

Jake wiped his nose on his sleeve. Normally, Kevin would have been disgusted and offered him a tissue, but all normality disappeared when he and Raymond found the detective and his five year old on that old, wet park bench.

"I think I wanted those accidents to kill me. Isn't it crazy that a cremation would have cost my mom less then my hospital bills?"

Kevin wanted to hug the detective and let him know that he and his son were going to be okay and that he and Raymond would keep them safe from harm (more commonly known as one Roger Peralta) and that nothing, nothing, would hurt them anymore.

"And you are okay now?" Kevin asked.

Jake looked at Kevin for the first time in a long time. He nodded, smiling sadly.

"Aside from my alcoholic, deadbeat dad kicking me and Mac out of our apartment, I'm doing okay." He said. "But I'm okay. I haven't self harmed since Mac was born. I'm getting better with my food issues, though I will not eat mushrooms and I don't care what Charles says."

"Mushrooms are not my favourite food either." Kevin said.

"Mac doesn't like them either." Jake said, sniffling and coughing again. "Just like his dad."

"Let's hope he has a happier childhood then you." Raymond said.

"I started hoping for that when he was born." Jake said. "But his mom abandoned him and gave up all rights to him, which wasn't a great start, but five years later I guess I've been doing an okay job at being his dad. I was scared as hell but when I saw him in the hospital crib all wrapped up in a blanket and a little white hat on his head I felt something I never had before. I fell in love with him and I wouldn't change about the past five years."

Jake yawned and held his son closer.

"Would you like to retire to the guest room?" Raymond asked. "It is getting rather late."

Jake nodded, rubbing his eyes like his son had been. "Yes please." He said. "Sorry for keeping you up so late."

"It's no trouble." Kevin assured him.

"I'll show you the way to the guest room." Raymond said, standing up. Jake stood up, Mac in his arms still bundled up in his shirt, hoodie and jacket, and walked up the stairs with Raymond, Kevin behind him with Cheddar.

The guest room was quite simple; a king size bed, a bookshelf with some books, a wardrobe, a dresser, two bedsides tables either side of the bed, and an armchair in the corner near the window. Jake pulled back the duvet and lay Mac on the white sheets, taking his odd shoes and socks off first. 

"There are guest pyjamas in the bathroom if you wish to change." Kevin said as he pulled the duvet over Mac.

Jake nodded and yawned. "Thanks." He said and looked at Mac. "You'll watch him, won't you?"

"Of course." Raymond said firmly. "We'll keep him safe."

Jake walked into the bathroom, which left Raymond and Kevin with the sleeping child.

"For tonight onwards, our lives have changed forever Kevin." Raymond said. "I hope you know that." 

Kevin smiled and nodded. "I know." He said. "And I couldn't be happier. I've always been a sucker for big brown eyes."

And his husband's big brown eyes looked back at him, full of love.

........................

And Kevin's life did change that night, all because he had found his husband's detective and his son on a park bench at close to midnight.

He saw Mac Peralta grow up. He saw him enter first grade. He and Raymond had sat beside ten year old Mac along with Jake's mother Karen and his Amercian and Italian grandparents as the guests of honour at the marriage of Jake Peralta and Amy Santiago. And he had given his honary grandson tissues as they both cried seeing Jake getting married to the woman he loved so much, because no one deserved this more then him.

He had seen Jake and Amy have their own son together, and he had watched Jake assure that he would still love Mac no matter what happened. Amy assured Mac that even though she was his stepmother, she loved him like her own, and said she would love him no matter what. 

And Jake had been the one to give William Jack Peralta for Mac to hold (of course, named after two characters from Die Hard)

Even Raymond shed a tear, though it was nothing compared to when Lucy Mae Peralta (Again, Die Hard) was born three years later. Lucy had Raymond wrapped around her little finger.

Kevin and Raymond watched as Mac grew up from the little boy they had seen on the park bench with the Spiderman pyjamas and the odd shoes and socks. They saw go through middle school drama and through his first heartbreak in seventh grade. They saw him enter high school for the first time and were there at his graduation, and comforted Jake as he bawled his eyes out seeing his eldest son walk across the stage to get his dipolma. 

They saw Mac go off to college and saw him fall in love with the girl he was determined he was going to marry - a girl called Holly, the name of John McClane's wife from Die Hard. Needless to say, Jake approved of Holly instantly when twenty one year old Mac brought her home to meet the family for the first time - and that included Kevin and Raymond.

Mac had entered the academy under his family and girlfriend's watchful eyes, following in the footsteps of his parents by joining the NYPD. They all been worried and rushed to the hospital when they heard Mac had been injured on the field at twenty six, and watched as Mac got down on one knee, took a little black box out of his pocket. And out of the little black box came a diamond ring and Mac asked Holly to marry him despite his broken foot.

And yes, even the nurses cried.

The wedding was beauitful, and Kevin honestly couldn't believe that this was the wedding of the twenty seven year old he had met for the first time almost twenty two years ago. Mac looked wonderful in his suit at the altar, with his father, Uncle Charles, Uncle Terry as his groomsmen and his best friend Nathan as his best man. With Raymond officating the wedding, everything was perfect.

Mac and Holly were a perfect couple, they settled in a house on the same street as Kevin and Raymond, and they made sure to have dinner together every Saturday. Soon, Mac and Holly adopted Cheddar. Jr, the fluffiest dog Kevin and Raymond had ever seen before.

And soon, they had their son and daughter, who joined them for Saturday dinner. Jacob Raymond and Olivia Karen Peralta.

(Jake had sobbed when he found out his grandson was named after him, and stole several tissues from Raymond, who was crying too)

Notes:

yeah i know it's not the best but i tried :)