Actions

Work Header

You, Always

Summary:

The second time Arthur noticed something was really wrong with Merlin was the next day, during the banquet in honour of Queen Annis's last day of her visit, and it seemed like a perfectly normal and thoroughly enjoyable evening.
It was just as Merlin poured the wine into his glass that Arthur noticed something that immediately caught his eyes and that made his bowels twist in a painful grip. The sleeve of Merlin's tunic had risen slightly and Arthur's attention had shifted to his servant's right wrist, where there was a purplish-yellow bruise that looked a couple of days old.
“What’s that?”, he asked abruptly.

or

Arthur notices that something is wrong with Merlin and decides to intervene.

Notes:

This fanfic is dedicated to the one, the only and the inimitable Francesca who celebrates her birthday today! You may know her as mvltixdisney on tiktok and I fell in love with her edits long before falling in love with her mind and soul. Thank u for sharing one brain cell with me, my friend! This is the only way I knew to give u a long distance gift and I hope u like it. Ily ❤️

For everyone else... guys, this fanfic was thought in a completely differently way. Then, I don't know what happened but it just took this form like it had a mind on its own and here we are.
I really hope you enjoy it!

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Work Text:

The first time Arthur noticed something wrong with Merlin was during Queen Annis' first visit to Camelot since he became King. 

Carleon's delegation had arrived a few days before and although everything seemed perfectly normal at first, Arthur couldn't help but notice that Merlin seemed more distracted and clumsy than usual. In addition to the fact that for at least a couple of days he seemed to evaporate at the least opportune moments and it was almost difficult to catch him around the castle. 

Arthur had said nothing, too busy with matters of state to be able to have his mind free enough to deal with Merlin - also because despite his absence his rooms were always clean, meals arrived regularly and in the mornings he was always woken up on time - but when he realized that in the last three days he had seen his servant perhaps only a couple of times in passing and that each time his face looked like a stone mask, Arthur thought it was time to intervene.

"Is everything alright, Merlin?" he asked a cold morning three days later, trying to maintain a light tone while the other helped him slip into his red tunic.

"Of course, My Lord".

Arthur barely frowned. Merlin had lately taken that boring habit of calling him exclusively by his titles and never by his name. And it annoyed him in a way he couldn't quite explain.

"Why then do you seem more incompetent than usual lately?"

It had meant to be a joke. Obviously. It was their way of talking to each other from literally the first moment they met. It was their way of confiding in each other without looking like love-struck girls. Making fun of each other with the awareness that behind all those insults and comebacks there was much, much more.

"I'm sorry, My Lord".

Arthur stared at him.

Something was wrong. And when something was wrong with Merlin it was usually trouble.

"Come on, tell me. What's wrong?" asked Arthur, trying to hide his concern while Merlin was busy tying the knots of his tunic. His thin hands barely touched him and Arthur tried not to shiver. His breath broke slightly and he cleared his throat, trying to focus on the problem and not on Merlin's look on his chest.

"Everything is fine, My Lord," replied the other in such an absent tone that it seemed as if he wasn't even listening to him. When Merlin started to move away from him to take the cloak, Arthur's instincts took over and he suddenly grabbed his arm, forcing him to stop.

"Merlin, seriously. I haven't seen you smile these past three days".

Arthur was surprised by his own words for a moment. Well, not from the fact that he had noticed that Merlin had not even hinted at a smile for days - since by now he had resigned himself to how much Merlin was always at the center of his thoughts - but to the fact that he had said that phrase out loud.

"I'm not sure there's a great deal to smile about".

Merlin's answer surprised him so much that it left him speechless. He froze, unable to think of an answer while his hand was still clasped around his arm.

"Merlin...", he began in an uncertain tone, not knowing where to go either. But it was interrupted when two firm knocks sounded from the door and Arthur suddenly let go of his arm.

Sir Leon's head peeped out of the door. "Queen Annis is waiting for you, Sire".

Arthur took a breath, glancing at Merlin who had his back to him and didn't seem to show signs of even wanting to look him in the face. He hesitated for a moment, then with a sigh he grabbed his sword and reached Sir Leon.

 “Come along, Merlin. And bring my cape”, he said, promising himself to return to the subject as soon as he had a moment.

 

The second time Arthur noticed something was really wrong with Merlin was the next day, during the banquet in honour of Queen Annis's last day of her visit, and it seemed like a perfectly normal and thoroughly enjoyable evening. His Knights were entertaining Carleon's emissaries, his servants were serving rich and delicious dishes and musicians were cheering the evening with a haunting ballad. Merlin was filling the glasses at the central banquet, paying attention first to the guests of honour and then moving towards Arthur's chair.

Even though Merlin was still acting a little odd - staring and glancing at the guests – the evening seemed to be procedures normally. However, Arthur began to be troubled by Merlin's attitude and continued to glance at him without paying close attention to his guests, as he should have. 

Ever since Merlin had confessed to him that he was a sorcerer and told him the whole truth, Arthur had accepted the fact that when Merlin behaved strangely, it usually had to do with something related to magic. And if it was something to do with magic, it was usually an attempt on his life.

Still, Arthur couldn't shake the feeling that there was more to it than that and he made a mental note to ask him if he had anything to do with his funny feelings as soon as Carleon's delegation left the next morning.

It was just as Merlin poured the wine into his glass that Arthur noticed something that immediately caught his eyes and that made his bowels twist in a painful grip. The sleeve of Merlin's tunic had risen slightly and Arthur's attention had shifted to his servant's right wrist, where there was a purplish-yellow bruise that looked a couple of days old.

“What’s that?”, he asked abruptly.

Merlin’s answer didn't come right away. In fact, he didn't even seem to have heard him. Arthur looked up at him and saw that while he was absentmindedly filling the glasses, Merlin was still shooting glances around the crowd, as if he were scanning the room for imminent danger.

Arthur sighed.

“Merlin”, he called him in a cautionary tone, barely raising his voice but not enough to alert the people sitting next to him. The other seemed to snap out of his thoughts and his blue eyes moved away from the crowd to rest on him, confused.

“Mh?” Merlin replied lightly and with a flashed smile so fast it didn't seem to exist.

“What. Is. That?” Arthur repeated, enunciating each word so that the other couldn't pretend not to have heard him.

“That what?”

Oh, he would have strangled him.

Arthur snorted in annoyance. He impatiently grabbed Merlin's right hand and he abruptly pulled him closer while completely ignoring Merlin’s protest for being manhandled. He proceed to also ignore all the other insults his servant was rattling off, too focused on what he had just noticed.

“This,” Arthur said, continuing to squeeze his hand while slowly pulling up his sleeve with the other. “These bruises. Who did it? What happened?”

Arthur looked at him again and couldn't help but notice how uncomfortable Merlin seemed at that moment. He still wasn't looking at him. Well, actually it pretty much looked like he was trying to not meet his eyes at all. Instead, he held them on his wrist for a moment, like he was studying his own skin. Then, in what Arthur realized was trying to be a mock light tone, he said casually: “Oh, these!”. He mimicked a half laugh, still avoiding his face like Arthur could read something in his eyes. “A simple… er, accident while working for Ga-”

Merlin,” Arthur interrupted him through gritted teeth, this time with a tone that really didn't bode well. “I thought you swear not to lie to me. Not anymore”.

Merlin’s eyes finally darted to his and Arthur recognized an expression somewhere between guilty, surprised and sad.

“It’s nothing, Arthur, really,” he sighed after glancing around to make sure no one was watching or listening.

Even though no one was paying attention to them, Arthur could tell that Merlin was absolutely reluctant to discuss that topic, at least not in that particular moment and among all those people. And he didn’t like to see Merlin being so in distress. He really didn’t. So, when he saw him gently but firmly trying to withdraw his arm from him, Arthur allowed it, slowly loosening the grip that had been holding his hand tight.

“That is not nothing, Merlin,” the King stated after a moment of silence, while around them the feast proceeded with laughs and chatter and clamour. “I grant you that perhaps now it is not the best moment to discuss this,” he added lowering his voice, “but I’m not going to let go of this.”

He didn’t flinch at Merlin’s exasperated expression and when the other tried to open his mouth to argue he curtly cut him off.

“After the banquet. In my rooms. That’s an order, Merlin. Understood?” He looked him straight in the eyes, as if challenging him, and after a moment he heard Merlin mumbling something with a resigned tone that unequivocally sounded like ‘alright, you unbearable prat’.

“I beg you pardon, Merlin?” Arthur asked with a dangerous grin.

A deep, defeated sigh.

“Alright, my lord”.

 

The third time Arthur noticed something was absolutely wrong with Merlin was that same evening, about an hour later.

He had kept an eye on him as much as possible while in the meantime he entertained Queen Annis and the other guests. He had seen him bustling around the room together with the other servants, with the only difference that Merlin strangely seemed to avoid part of the hall.

More precisely, the one where Carleon’s Knights sat.

And this alone was enough to worry Arthur. Usually it was Merlin himself - together with other male servants - who entertained the guests' tables, to avoid any misunderstandings or unpleasant moments with the servant girls of Camelot.

In fact, during the reign of Uther, Gwen and other female servants had often complained of very little noble or chivalrous attitudes on the part of some high-ranking members of delegations from other Kingdoms. So, shortly after his arrival, Merlin had automatically taken the habit of taking over the service of guests and slowly the other male servants had followed his example.

That was why, seeing him now only serving the side where the Lords and Knights of Camelot sat, had immediately made Arthur suspicious. Additionally, Merlin seemed to keep shooting sideways glances around the room and it didn't take long for Arthur to put two and two together.

Now that he was paying more attention to Merlin – well, more than he already was – it was easy to notice when there was something really bothering him. He had to give him credit for it, he knew how to hide it very well from untrained eyes but for Arthur he was now an open book. Since the all ‘I have magic and I use it only for you’, Arthur now saw him with definitely different eyes.

It was as if he really saw him now. In the entirety of him.

Actually, it was as if he now shone in the crowd.

Arthur had finally understood what was that something that had fascinated him from the beginning, since their first meeting. It was the same something that led him to always look for him wherever he was. To feel the absence of him when he wasn't there. To feel complete, truly himself only when he was next to him.

And, in that case, to be worried to see him so restless.

Something had happened to Merlin. Something that had to do with Carleon’s Knights. Something that had caused those bruises on his arm.

A rush of anger and worry suddenly shook Arthur at the mere thought of it and he had to use all his strength to try not to let anything slip through. He shifted slightly in his seat while his gaze continued to follow Merlin who at that moment was chatting with Lancelot at the other side of the room.

"My Lord? Is everything alright?"

Queen Annis's voice came to him as if at the end of a long tunnel. He made a inhuman effort to look away from Merlin figure and meet the one of the sovereign who was scrutinizing him with attentive and intelligent eyes.

Arthur coughed awkwardly, feeling a bit of uneasiness because of that look. “I beg your pardon, My Lady. What were you saying?”

Annis didn't respond immediately. She continued to stare at him as if she were trying to read something on his face. And perhaps she had succeeded because her lips were curved in a faintly smug smile.

“I know that look, you know,” she told him slowly, moving slightly closer as if she were telling him a secret.

“Um- what look?” Arthur asked maybe a little too quickly as he grabbed the goblet, downing its contents in one gulp.

"Boy! Yes you, come over here!

It was the rough voice and the chorus of laughter of Carleon's Knights that distracted Arthur again. He turned, just in time to see a definitely tipsy Sir Roderick sway as he tried to get to his feet to summon someone from the other side of the room. Someone who Arthur fervently hoped wasn't who he thought he was. Mainly because Sir Roderick's face didn't look innocent or particularly friendly, but more like that of a hunter who had set his sights on his prey.

But, of course, Arthur knew too well that his prayers were absolutely not going to be heard.

On the other side of the room, Merlin had turned and was looking at Sir Roderick with such a harsh expression that Arthur knew at once that he had to intervene as soon as possible or they would risk a political crisis of unimaginable proportions between Camelot and Carleon. He didn't even need to dwell on Lancelot's darkened face, who seemed ready to take matters into his own hands. He raised his head slightly, and trying to maintain a neutral tone, he called Merlin, with a voice high enough for all to hear in spite of the noise.

Merlin's relief was imperceptible to see, but Arthur noticed it all the same. His face had remained a mask but his shoulders had barely relaxed. He reached him with a stiff walk and gave a respectful nod to Arthur and Queen Annis.

"My Lord?"

Even his tone was cold, even if Arthur could perfectly hear the note of gratitude that was in his voice, mixed with a hidden anger.

"Collect the empty plates here and take them to the kitchens. Then go to my rooms and prepare them for the night. I will join you shortly". Arthur spoke trying to impress as much naturalness as possible on his voice as he stared into Merlin's eyes, letting him know that he had every intention of keeping his word and talk to him about what was happening.

Merlin did not react. His blue eyes were locked into his, and only a slight movement of his lower lip made Arthur realize that the other was holding back from saying anything. 

Then, after what it seemed like an eternity, Merlin slowly nodded.

"Of course, My Lord. My Lady". And with another respectful nod of the head to both sovereigns he collected the dishes and walked away.

Arthur continued to stare at him until he left the room and disappeared, without meeting anyone's gaze.

"Exactly that look," Queen Annis murmured after a moment, pouring herself wine with a smug smile.

Arthur pursed his lips, pretended not to have heard her.

 

When Arthur entered his rooms the first thing he noticed was that they were strangely dark.

The only source of light came from the lit fireplace where in front, curled up on a chair, was Merlin staring at the flames as if he were trying to read something inside them. Arthur didn't mind that darkness, it gave him a sense of protection and cosiness, but he would have been lying if he hadn't admitted that Merlin's choice not to illuminate the room had alarmed him even more. It seemed as if he wanted to hide in the shadows and blend into the darkness. Which was impossible for Arthur.

Merlin would always shine. Wherever he was.

He closed the door behind him and without disturbing the silence he advanced slowly, taking his cloak off his shoulders and removing his sword from its sheath. He placed it on the table next to him and then, delicately, grabbed a chair and moved it in front of the fireplace, sitting right next to Merlin. He looked at the fire too, feeling the heat of the crackling flames warming his face.

And he waited.

“I didn't mean to lie to you. I just wanted to wait for them to leave. Then I would have told you about it."

Merlin's voice came to him in a low whisper. It was a little hoarse and Arthur couldn't ignore the barely perceptible hint of anger.

“You can tell me now,” he replied, modelling the volume of his voice to that of the other. It seemed like they were whispering secrets meant only for the flames and Arthur thought that maybe that was actually the case.

“Arthur.”

Arthur looked up. Merlin was finally looking at him, in such an intense way that Arthur found himself breathless.

Gods, when he looked at him like that...

It was one of the thousand reasons why he had stupidly fallen in love with him. Merlin knew how to speak with his eyes. He knew how to smile at you, comfort you, cheer you up just with a look. Not to mention his smiles. Too often Arthur had seen people of all ranks almost literally melt at one of his smiles and this had always amused him. But when he realized that he himself had fallen for him for the way he looked at him and for the way he smiled when it was just them… oh, that had been fun.

Because the way Merlin looked at him was something else. Something that often left him breathless. It was as if every time Merlin could look inside him, deeply into him and saw the real him. Then, he just smiled at him and to Arthur seemed as if that smile was caused by something worthy that Merlin had seen in him. And for a moment, for just one silly moment, Arthur could delude himself and imagine that his feelings were reciprocated.

That that smile was for him and him alone.

“Arthur, I don't want to cause you trouble with the Kingdom of Carleon with what I'm about to tell you.”

Arthur had to blink several times to stop his thoughts wandering and return to reality. A reality where Merlin was still looking at him and had leaned towards him a little as if to underline the importance of what he was about to say.

“Let me be the judge of that,” he told him, clearing his throat slightly but keeping his tone gentle and reassuring.

Merlin took a deep breath and looked down at his clasped hands, as if he couldn't bear to see the reaction of what he was about to say on his face.

"From the first day that Carleon's delegation arrived," Merlin began, "I understood that some of the Knights were not- well, they didn't behave like Knights should behave. They were rude and arrogant but at first I didn't give them too much weight. Every now and then it happens to find high-ranking idiots who treat servants and peasant like scum". 

Arthur grimaced at those words but didn't interrupt him. 

"The following day the first comments began. I think they must have heard some stupid rumors put around by the spinsters of the Castle because they started to make... insinuations". Merlin paused, clearly uncomfortable.

Arthur watched him nervously writhe his fingers, and a horrible suspicion peeped into his head.

"What insinuations?" he asked slowly.

But Merlin did not answer. He seemed unable to go on. He was biting his lips so hard that Arthur was surprised they weren't bleeding.

"You know which ones," he said in a faint voice while a warm blush colored his ears.

Arthur's heart sank to the level of his navel. Of course he knew what the insinuations were. Those rumors in the castle had been circulating for years but no one - that Arthur knew -  had ever even dared to say them aloud in front of either of them.

Yet both knew very well what was whispered in the corridors. That the Prince – now King – and his servant were actually much more than friends. That the servant had actually been the King's bed warmer for years. That the King and the servant were lovers. That Merlin was the real reason for the breakup of the engagement between Arthur and Gwen.

And the worst part was that it was true. Well, at least the last part. Arthur had really broken off his engagement to Gwen for Merlin. Once he realized he was in love with him, he could never marry her and live in a lie. Not even for the sake of Camelot, which needed an heir so much. 

But for everything else... oh, fate really mocked him. Because if there was anything Arthur wanted more than his own life, it was to be able to admit how much he wanted Merlin to be really, entirely his. And not as a bed warmer or as a lover. But as another half of himself.

And what an irony it had been when he had discovered that Merlin was really the other half of himself. That even a prophecy described them as one half of a whole. Yet, not in the way Arthur wanted.

"Fine, then what?", Arthur pressed him after a few moments.

Merlin sighed, closing his eyes as if to seek courage. "Then, well, it didn't take long for them to become more explicit and make… uhm, demands."

Arthur's hands squeezed the arms of the chairs ferociously, so much so that his knuckles whitened. He took a deep breath trying to calm down because he didn't want his reaction to stop Merlin from telling him everything.

"Go on".

Another sigh. "The first time I managed to leave. They were too drunk to be able to physically overwhelm me. But the second and third time-"

Merlin stopped when Arthur suddenly got up from his chair, moving a few steps away while his hands covered his face.

"Arthur..."

"Those bruises," Arthur said in a trembling voice, pointing with a finger to his wrist. "Was it them?"

Merlin stared at him for an interminable time.

"Yes," he then said simply.

Arthur froze, his breath held, horrified. He couldn't take his eyes off Merlin as his mind tried to process the information he had just received.

"Did they...d-did-"

"No," Merlin replied quickly, immediately understanding what was Arthur referring to. "When they squeezed me too tightly and I couldn't breathe anymore my magic rebelled and it knocked them out. I don't think they understood what happened," he added, frowning slightly.

There was another moment of silence in which they remained looking at each other. Arthur's hands still shaking, Merlin with a strange stubborn expression on his face.

"Nothing else happened, Arthur, I swear to you. And I would have told you about it as soon as they left but, well, I swore not to lie to you anymore and I didn't want to break my promise because of them. I didn't get hurt working for Gaius, alright, but all of this… it is nothing."

Arthur opened his mouth wide, shocked. "Do you really think this is nothing?"

He had raised the tone of his voice and seemed almost out of tune with the soft light of the room but he couldn't help about it. He was furious. He couldn't believe that such a thing had happened under his nose. He could not believe that Merlin had been attacked and had not noticed it. He couldn't believe that he had risked being raped and Merlin was dismissing the matter like this.

"I'm used to this kind of thing, Arthur. Just as I am used to people who use me to get to you and I know how to take care of myself. I'm not a damsel in distress."

But Arthur had heard only one thing of all that talk. "What does it mean ‘used you to get to me’?", he asked wide-eyed as panic grew inside him.

Merlin settled in his chair, uncomfortable. "I've told you. They had heard those stupid rumors and thought that if by hurting me they would do it to you. They're the ones who don't want an alliance between Camelot and Carleon, you know. They wanted you to... I don't know, to lose your temper and block the negotiations or something."

The last words came to him muffled. Arthur heard a ringing in his ears as wave after wave of horror erased everything inside him.

It was his fault. 

They had attacked him because of him. Once again Merlin had paid the price for his stupidity and ignorance. Arthur had thought he was paying more attention to Merlin, that he could protect him better, but he was deluding himself. Again. He had not been able to protect him. He was responsible for what had happened. He was responsible for those bruises.

What kind of King was he? What kind of man was he? One who could not protect the people closest to him, who could not protect the man he loved more than his own life.

He brought his hands to his face with a choked breath. He felt tears moisten his eyes and gritted his teeth to try to block them. He did not notice that Merlin had risen. He didn't notice that he had approached until he felt his warm hand rest on his arm.

"Arthur," he called him in a barely audible whisper. "Arthur, it's not your fault."

Arthur burst into joyless laughter. "It isn’t my fault? How can you say something like that? After what you told me?"

"I say this because it is the truth! I was born to serve you Arthur, to protect you. And if this is the price, so be it".

"You can't—you can't say that!" cried Arthur, without even trying to calm down anymore. "You have to stop sacrificing yourself for me! I am the King, Merlin. I should be the one to protect you, not the other way around!"

Merlin was unperturbed by that tone. His expression was extraordinarily resolute, as if he were more certain of nothing in the world than of what he was saying.

"I will always protect you, Arthur. I will always sacrifice myself for you. I will always choose you. Whether you want it or not. I will always be by your side, even when you don't want me. This will never change".

And he said it with such emphasis, with such passion, that Arthur understood nothing more. He grabbed him by the back of the head and pushed him forward, making their mouths collide in a kiss that seemed to stop time. 

Arthur didn't know for how long he stayed kissing him and he didn't care. The only thing that mattered was the feeling of Merlin so close to him, of his hands in his hair, the knowledge that he could finally kiss him, that he could be his after all that time.

When they broke away, Arthur made no sign of letting him go. He doubted that now he would ever have the strength to take him away from him even for a moment. He had the physical need to touch him, to feel his body touch his and to feel his warm breath on his face.

"I will always want you," Arthur whispered over his mouth. "And I will always choose you and I will always protect you."

He saw the other smiling and again Arthur pounced on his lips. 

He could never have had enough. 

Never.

"You. Always," Merlin told him, caressing his cheek gently, with his eyes full of love and devotion.

Slowly, Arthur took his hand, brought it to his lips and without taking his eyes off Merlin, he kissed it, as a promise.

 

"You. Always".

 

 

Notes:

Let me know what you think about it and if you liked it!

And happy birthday again, amica mia🎈