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outta sight and outta mind

Summary:

There are times when Noel seems to go intangible. He’ll be standing right there next to Liam and then it’s like all of a sudden he’s fucking gone see-through, even when Liam reaches out and gets a good hold of his jacket or the flesh of his arm; he’s gone away and left a shimmery afterimage, like how lights can get stuck on the backs of eyelids – Liam can blink his eyes around and see Noel, but he’s not really there.

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There are times when Noel seems to go intangible. He’ll be standing right there next to Liam and then it’s like all of a sudden he’s fucking gone see-through, even when Liam reaches out and gets a good hold of his jacket or the flesh of his arm; he’s gone away and left a shimmery afterimage, like how lights can get stuck on the backs of eyelids – Liam can blink his eyes around and see Noel, but he’s not really there. His soul’s slid off somewhere and left a Noel-shaped hole in the room, and then Liam has to go off and find summat to do on his own ‘cos who knows how long Noel is gonna be gone for?

It happened the other day and it’s going to happen tonight. Liam can sense it sometimes like air before a thunderstorm. His arm hairs get all prickly around Noel and an itch starts up at the top of his spine, the kind that he can only scratch by getting completely fucking hammered. 

He’s well on his way now before they’ve even gotten to the afterparty and he’s seeing the future: Noel will be going about buzzing off the coke chattering away and then something will happen – something loud or grabbing or maybe it’ll be Liam who sets him off, but not tonight Liam thinks – and then he’ll blink out of existence. 

The air’s been shivering around him all day, it won’t take much, it’s been driving Liam fucking mental. He hates it when Noel does this. 

Noel will disappear and Liam will march over to grab the shimmery impression of Noel’s body and say Come back, and Noel will say like he’s at the other end of a very long tunnel What or Fuck off or Christ what now with that voice he takes when he’s decided Liam is another species from him, one that’s stupider than the one he is. Fucking come back, where’ve you gone? and then someone else will say The fuck is he on about and Noel will shrug and say Drugs innit.  

Liam will tighten his grip on him and then find the bruises on his arm later, when Noel’s down to a t-shirt and mussed hair and a wary glare as he yanks his arm back from Liam’s inspection. Fucking christ you might as well piss on me, Noel says ‘cos he doesn’t like bruises especially handprints and ‘cos he doesn’t fucking understand why Liam did it. He doesn’t remember disappearing. 

That’s part of what makes it so fucked, Liam thinks. Noel doesn’t even know where he's gone. Liam’s tried to ask him a few times where he goes and Noel says shit like I don’t remember, some fucking party, you were there too weren’t you? Noel never remembers. 

He’s always had a shit memory. Liam too. Liam figures it was all the black outs and moving shadows when they were kids, when darkness would sometimes go solid and man-shaped and have big grabbing hands that dragged Noel right out of bed. Liam kept trying to leave the hallway light on so it could sneak in under the door and protect them, but someone always ended up shutting it off. 

That was back when Noel first started disappearing. Inside the house and outside of it. He’d go off with friends and then it’d be the coppers marching him back hours later. Liam had started getting scared that if it weren’t for that Noel might just disappear forever one day and he could tell their mam worried the same, and that made him mad at Noel ‘cos their mam didn’t need any more stress. But at the same time he knew why Noel ran off. If it weren’t for their mam he’d have begged to go with him.

Not that those coppers were any help though the fucking bastards, they’d hold Noel by the arm the same way their da did and ask for Mister Gallagher and nod sympathetically when their da said Noel was a lying troublemaking little cunt, I’ll take care of ‘im. Liam had glared as hard as he could from the top of the stairs watching them trade Noel over – tight copper grip for their da’s tigher one – then he’d turn to stone when the door slammed behind them and the whole house rattled like the beginning of a thunderstorm. 

Liam remembers watching how their da used to grab Noel so hard that he’d slip right out of his skin. There would be a crumpled body on the floor in the shape of his big brother and Liam would make sure to keep watching it ‘cos he’d need to know what hurt later. Often Noel would come back like a dislocated joint shoving back into place – Liam had watched him do that, once, when their da had yanked his arm too hard and it dangled off him like a dead tree limb. Noel had bit his scream in two so Liam had done it proper for him, one clean pure howl, and then their mam had come running to the door white-faced and Noel had said It’s nothing before she’d even asked what was wrong. He had to put his arm back Liam had told her and Noel glared at him. Oh, Noel, their mam said, letting his name drift off as Noel turned his face away. Can you go to school? Yeah. He was lying of course Noel never went to school those days. 

Don’t touch me he’d hissed afterwards when Liam had thought his arm still looked a bit too limp and tried checking the pulse in his wrist. More and more Noel would say that after their da putting his hands on him. Liam had figured it must hurt to jolt back into his body like that. Even after they got away from their da. Then Noel had other people putting their hands on him – in a good way this time, Liam was pretty sure, ‘cos by then he was getting some of his own, but Noel would still come home some nights like a chalk outline. 

Drugs helped, and sex, except when they seemed to do the same thing as copping it did, which Liam still doesn’t really understand. Noel loves drugs and sex obviously so does Liam. Feels good. Easy most of the time. But there are some times where it’ll be too much coke maybe or the sex won’t happen right somehow and then Noel’s body goes limp and his eyes go shattery and sparkly as glass. Liam doesn’t know what to do then. Nothing bad ever happens but it feels like something already has, maybe a long time ago, like how Liam’s head still goes all kaleidoscopic some days ‘cos of that fucking hammer. Noel never got the hammer, but their da knocked him unconscious a few times while their mam screamed Stop it stop you’re gonna kill him and Liam just screamed. So that might’ve done it. Liam knows when something happens to your head it happens to your whole body. 

The other day it had happened where Liam had just gotten Noel into a dark corner to kiss him properly after a long stupid stretch of interviews and then he’d pulled away with his tongue tingling to realize that Noel had slipped right out of his hands. 

He searched Noel's face: blank glassy eyes and pink warm mouth and no Noel. Usually Liam’s instinct was to press closer and try to grab onto whatever might be left of him, like maybe he’d have one of them little trailing tails like ghosts do in the cartoons, but this time he’d stepped back, suddenly frightened. 

Noel’s head tipped lazily back against the wall, watching Liam back with eyes like he was underwater, and Liam was reminded of the first time Noel had come home tripping on ecstasy – ‘course he hadn’t known that’s what it was then. He’d only known that he was jerking awake to sudden light overhead and finding his brother stumbling into their room, limbs loose in their sockets, leaving flash impressions of a dazed smile on Liam’s blinking eyelids. He’d gone straight for the stereo and put it on, even though Liam’s watch said it was after three in the morning, then he’d stood in the gap between their beds and swayed as guitar sounds swooped out of the speakers like huge birds. Liam remembers how he glowed then, shirt stuck to his back with sweat, hair curling at the back of his neck, hands so slack at his sides it was like they’d never held onto anything. When Liam had made a noise and Noel looked at him over his shoulder, his head had rolled slack on his neck and Liam had been suddenly terrified it was going to fall off. 

Something had happened to Noel, Liam thought. He’d gone somewhere Liam couldn’t understand. Sorry I was E’d up Noel said later, when Liam asked him Why the fuck were you playing the Smiths at three in the fucking morning, man? ‘cos that had been the bit he knew how to describe. What? Ecstasy, the word big and shiny and new in Noel’s mouth, with a little bit of that same glow stuck to it. Best fucking drug in the world. 

I want some Liam said I wanna go wherever you went. Noel rolled his eyes. No fucking way. They won’t let you in our kid, you’re too young which is the worst most useless fucking phrase ever. Doesn't mean anything. Liam told Noel that and he just rolled his eyes again. You won’t like the club, it'll make your head hurt. 

Give a shit about the club I just want what you had. You mean ecstasy? Yeah ecstasy.

Noel hadn’t promised anything but Liam had already started figuring out by then that Noel was a chancer who made promises like an animal backed into a corner, so no promises meant that a couple weeks later Noel took him to the park one evening after tea and put a tiny smiley face pill on each of their tongues. Liam closed his mouth instinctively around Noel’s fingers and Noel had flinched, then wiped them off, then mumbled Right and Liam watched him forget it. Together, okay? And then they turned into two twin stars and filled the whole park with white light. 

It was like when they’d been sitting on the floor passing a joint back and forth between them until Liam’s hands got too clumsy and Noel had mumbled Well there’s always shotgunning then giggled to himself like he couldn’t quite believe what he’d said. Whassat? Nevermind. No no Noel c’mon, tell me. Oi, don’t fucking drop it. I can’t hold it man, you gotta – Jesusfuckingchrist kid, okay, fucking fine. And then he’d sat up and made Liam hold his mouth open like a baby bird and blew the smoke in. The pot tasted like Noel or maybe Noel tasted like the pot. Liam licked his own lips to check and then Noel’s. Noel made a weird muffled sound and Liam echoed it back to him, and then they both dissolved into laughter. Shut the fuck up mam’s trying to watch telly Paul came in to tell them and frowned Are you fucking high? Noel laughed at him Grow up, man. Then they glanced at each other both glowing pink and Liam decided being LiamandNoel was the best thing ever.

Apart from that Noel never did share his drugs much, the selfish bastard. But Liam’s never done any drug that Noel hasn’t done first – except that coke in L.A. that wasn’t actually coke which Liam had definitely gotten to first, jittery after the long flight. Fucking meth. For two days Liam’s head had rattled like a cheap tambourine. That was the first time Noel had gone intangible during a gig, the apparently important one in that jammed up club. Then he’d totally fucking vanished off the face of the earth and left a gap like he’d torn through the fabric of the universe to get away from Liam and Liam had lost his fucking mind a bit then. 

Liam’s pretty sure that gap is still there now and Noel’s keeping it open just in case he needs to run off again. The idea makes him want to set fire to their hotel room with them inside.

I’ll chain us together if you ever try to leave again Liam told him sometime after he came back, watching from the hotel bed while Noel smoked through the cracked-open window. Noel raised an eyebrow without looking at him. Yeah? Yeah man and fucking throw away the key. 

You fucking try it and you’ll never see me again. Liam went over and shoved his face into Noel’s neck. I never see you anyway you’re always somewhere else. Noel ashed his cigarette on the bunched curtains. Where would you go? Dunno. Somewhere you could never find me. Where’s that? Noel was silent. Liam could feel him fingering the gap, wondering whether to slip away. He pressed a kiss to Noel’s neck and mumbled Stay here. Not in front of the window Noel said and pulled the burnt curtains shut. 

Where did you used to run off to? Liam asked him another time Back when we were kids I mean. 

Noel’s answering hum buzzed against the top of his skull. I did threaten to run away a couple times, didn’t I? Never managed it though. Liam tugged up the blankets over their legs. Sometimes you didn’t come home for days. Yeah. Where’d you go? He felt Noel’s shrug against his back. Fucking – I dunno. Another shrug. Nowhere. C’mon, tell me. Just nowhere. Yeah right. I mean it, I didn’t have any special place I just wandered around. Why not man I had a special place. Really? Yeah the pub across the park. The one their da never went to. Noel hummed again and folded his arms over Liam’s chest. I remember that one, I saw you there with your mates. Yeah.

Liam turned his face so his cheek rested against Noel’s necklace. You really didn’t have anywhere? No there was nowhere to go. I mean, y’know, I’d go ‘round someone’s gaff or to the club but sometimes I’d just get on the bus and ride it to the last stop, not going anywhere just – I mean not being anywhere was the point. What d’you mean? Liam asked but Noel had closed his mouth in embarrassed silence after that and tightened his arms when Liam tried to turn around to look at him. 

So Liam sat there staring at the black flatscreen across the room, sort of peacefully and sort of unsure. Finally Noel shrugged again and mumbled I dunno, sometimes it’s easier to be nowhere, d’you know what I mean?

Not really Liam said after a while. He could sort of make out their reflection in the tv screen where they looked like some kind of freakish conjoined twins. I’d rather be with you.

Noel scoffed. Yeah, but not all the time. No, not fucking all the time but I like knowing where you are. Well sometimes I don’t want anybody knowing where I am Noel said it sharp and fast and Liam wanted to hit him for it, but by the time he’d wiggled out of Noel’s arms towards the other end of the bed the feeling had faded. He felt cold looking at the gooseflesh rising on Noel’s skin. Colder when Noel started pulling on his track bottoms. 

Noel. His brother paused before tugging his shirt over his head. Liam gathered the blankets around himself. Just – you gotta come back. 

I have to go back to my room Noel said Before anyone notices. He looked back from the doorway and their eyes formed a channel across the room, one to the other and back again.

Of course nobody noticed. They never do. Liam notices everything, or the important things anyway. When he brushes his fingers against the back of Noel’s coat the built up static electricity shocks him and stands all his fine hairs on end, and Noel must have felt it somehow ‘cos he throws a look at Liam over his shoulder. What? His eyes have been a bit too wide since some fucker managed get past security and made it halfway onto the stage screaming obscenities before finally getting thrown out. 

I’ll watch out for you Liam tells him. Noel rolls his eyes and they come back to Liam a little more distant. Whatever, our kid. If you’re gonna pick a fight do it on the other side of the room then, yeah? He never takes Liam seriously, but Liam knows, he can fucking see it. Noel’s already fuzzy at the edges. 

I’ll watch, Liam promises. I see you brother.  

Noel blinks at him. His eyes slide away and then back. I know.