Work Text:
Adam huffs and puffs heavily, squaring his shoulders and clenching his fists in preparation and facing the person he had both dreaded and anticipated to meet, standing at the center of the cave he had just found for himself to hide away in.
"Listen here, wife." Adam tries to say as stiffly as possible, desperately looking at the space between her wide...beautiful, mesmerizing, inquisitive, trusting eyes that he completely hates and has prepared ten strategy defences to in advance.
Something in his chest twists as the small woman looks behind herself cautiously, as though he'd be talking to some other poor sap. His voice strains as he tries to raise and steel it, waving a finger in a manner he hopes is commanding. "I don't care what the angels told you about Eden being your personal playground. I know Sera must have acted like you're some new queen, being my first 'official' wife - however the heck that's supposed to work - but this was my kingdom first, and I've been hurt before. If you're going to stay here, you're gonna have to know I don't just hand over my heart that easily. I'm not just gonna trust you and hand over my food and let you share my bed because you're cute. Capiche?"
Eve stares back for a long, stunned silence. Adam swallows nervously, trying not to let it show as he simply folds his arms and regards her from a cautious distance. What would be her next move? To manipulate him with new mind games? To act all saccharine until he turned around, ripe for the stabbing of the backs?
"Is that understood, wife?" He grills again.
“Can…Can I kiss your cheek?” She whispers, eyes sparkling in awe as she tilts her head and leans forward so that their noses almost touch. A goofy, toothy smile weaves across her lips, and she presses her hands to her own cheeks.
Taken aback and thrown off course, Adam splutters. “H-huh?”
“Your cheeks. They look…squish.” She emphasises, pinching her own unblinkingly. “I must…touch. Pleeeease?” To his horror, her lips twitch as though upset, hands clasped pleadingly.
“F-Fine? But this is just a one-time thing. I hate cuddles, just so you know.” Struck equally with pity and suspicion, Adam hesitates before leaning forward. He inwardly prepares to roundhouse kick her, just in case she pulls a Samael and flicks his nose. Just in case.
The woman’s hands are warm, softer than he had imagined as he’s instantly enveloped in her embrace. She leans over as promised, soft sweet-smelling lips pressed to his jaw. “Mwah!” Eve pinches his cheeks, and it doesn’t even hurt as she beams down at his stunned expression, giggling. “So soft! I love how soft you are!” One hand cups his chin, finger pressed into the goatee as the other rubs through his scalp. “And you have little hairs! So cute!”
Adam freezes, knees buckling as tears blur his vision and catch in his throat. No one had ever shown him that affection before. He melts into her touch, unconsciously clutching her close.
“Anyways, what were you saying about hating cuddles?” Eve casually returns to the topic as though she didn’t just casually destroy him, prying out of his embrace to hop off his arms and leaving him feeling cold, alone. All of a sudden, a vision knits itself together and weaves across his mind as surely as a smile - of himself curled around her, enveloping her protectively.
Adam instantly grabs her wrist, swallowing again as he meets her startled, happy gaze. “You can have my house.”
…
“Hey, Eve.” Samael says slowly, almost languidly, and Lilith frowns at his tone, trying to shake off how odd it made her feel when it was directed at someone else.
Eve blinks around in confusion, as though unable to detect where the voice came from. It was cute at first, until Samael shortly quips.
“Here! Right here!”
The woman spins around, round eyes widening and sparkling in awe for the briefest second.
“Fear not, new human.” Samael enunciates regally and proudly squares his shoulders, raising his chin and swinging an arm to cause a warm, bright aura of light to shine vividly behind him. “Yes, it is I, Samael-Bringer of Light and Seraph, here to rescue-hey!“
The angel splutters in surprise as Eve simply stops gawking to trudge past him, smiling gently and eyes sparkling wide with new interest at a pair of daisies right behind him.
“Pretty!” She cheers happily, arms outstretched as she unpacks the biggest bouquet and hugs with all her arms would allow.
“T-The fuck?” Lilith hears Samael whisper with raw indignity, offence ablaze in his eyes as he scrambles to fly up to the woman’s view and distract her from the flowers she was picking at in intense observation. “Hi! Um - sorry, I was just introducing myself. I’m one of the angels-“
“Yes. I know what you are.” Eve simply says, wonder from her eyes dwindling the moment she sets eyes on him again, and Lilith curls back, both admiring and horrified at this change of events. “You already introduced yourself.”
“Well-aren’t you-“ Samael clears his throat awkwardly, trying to regain control of the conversation and go about this differently. “Introduce yourself? For courtesy?”
Eve tilts her head, a bit miffed now that she couldn’t focus on the flowers but smiling forcefully nonetheless. “You know who I am, though? Bye bye now.” She waves a hand dismissively, peering with renewed interest at the bright shiny ladybugs crawling up her flowers now that she set them down.
“No! No, no! Lilith wanted me to save you!” Samael furiously explains, waving hands animatedly.
Eve regards him with disinterest. “But…why, though?”
“Eve, dear, you were just crying yesterday about Adam, remember? You two had a horrible fight?”
Eve stares blankly back at her, and Lilith can’t tell if she looks slightly alarmed or just all around uncomprehending.
“Where…you…” Lilith stumbles, not remembering if they had, actually, talked about what the fight was about. “Where he said no and you just…cried?”
“You mean…when I tried to shove flowers up his nose and he said no?” Eve asks unsurely, and Lilith frowns in distaste. “It’s okay! He let me put them in his ears instead!” Lilith’s blood boils as a distant look of adoration glazes the younger woman’s eyes. “He said I’m cute.”
“For the love of-“ Lilith mutters as Samael slowly sits down and clutches his chest, eyes wide as the older woman grabs Eve by the shoulders. She pointedly ignores Samael slowly sinking to his knees with wide eyes, hand to his chest as he register the foreign feeling of not being given full undivided adoration. “I know he’s brainwashing you! Adam and you are not compatible! He’s not cute, or curious or the slightest bit compromising!” Lilith bursts, shaking her as Eve watches back with more fascination than terror. “I know he’s turning you against us and probably forcing you into submission every second you’re together! He thinks he’s so much smarter than me, but I know- ohhh, I know how he desperate is to get his way, and you can’t hide it from me! Samael and I know you know the ways of his twisted mind.” Pulling the woman so close their noses almost touch, Lilith’s eye twitches and she forces a sickly sweet smile, hoping her ardent worry would show. “So spill it, sister. Give me all the dirty details!”
Eve only stares back with wide eyes, before a new curious smile breaks across her face. “Your hair-” She breathes, hand outstretched - “is so cool. Can I touch? Please?”
Lilith’s lips tremble, dramatically turning away before allowing a cautious nod. This was getting more hopeless by the second.
Not even two minutes of Eve experimentally drawing her hands through her long hair in awe, the woman becomes distracted by the small lizards snaking through her toes in the green grass. Enraptured, Eve lies down onto her stomach, eyeing the creatures curiously as Lilith raises her brows and Samael finally recovers.
"If this is what she’s like on normal days, I don’t even want to think about what sex is like.” She hears Samael mutter, softly chuckling to himself as Lilith wrinkles her nose.
Eve tilts her head curiously, apparently having heard. “What is sex?”
Lilith and Samael freeze, glancing at eachother with wide eyes before staring back at her as though she had said the most outrageous thing. Which…she technically had.
“No way. No fucking way.” Lilith hears him mutter, hand wiping at his face with renewed shock. Eve looks at Lilith unsurely, thrown off by their reaction and the foreign words.
“Did…Did the Seraphim not teach you, dear? What you and Adam are supposed to do?”
Eve stares back again, clearly not understanding. Lilith stifles a grin, dainty hand pressed to her lips. “Sweet innocent Eve.” She begins, waving the other hand hand as the younger woman watches curiously. “Just wait til it begins. Then you’ll run back to me begging to save you.” She smiles self-assuredly, flipping a sleek strand of hair over her shoulder. “Come dear.” She chides to Samael, making her way out of the clearing as the angel trudges behind her. “Eve will return when she has more…questions.”
“What is it though?” Eve asks with genuine curiosity.
Lilith huffs, wrinkling her nose. “It’s - it’s how Adam shows his love!” She strains a smile. “Don’t tell him I said that, though.”
Eve watches them run away laughing, before simply smiling to herself and shrugging. “That sounds fun!”
…
Sex. Is. Not. Fun.
Kisses are fun. Adam’s cuddles are fun. Sex is painful and scary and gross, even despite Adam’s best efforts to make it comfortable for her. Eve instantly decides that maybe this is one of those things they table for only when necessary, such as mathematics and counting frogs by the creek. Stupid, pointless things she’s sure Adam equally dislikes.
It doesn’t really occur to her - until the man’s heavy arms wrap around her at night and his face is buried into the crook of her neck - that he doesn’t actually dislike it.
Which means maybe she’s supposed to like it.
Which confuses her even more.
Sera said Eve and the other first humans had been created complete, with everything they would need to fulfil their tasks of starting humanity. Why would Eve be created with this fault, then? Why would she not enjoy or want this one thing that Adam and Lilith wanted, and that even Samael seemed enthusiastic about?
The woman tries to approach Adam on the matter, but he seems confused at her question. “Surely you don’t expect us to have babies by just cuddling?” He smiles good-naturedly at her, kissing her temple, and she supposes that makes sense, even as the first slivers of discomfort and fear begin welling deep in her gut.
“Whiptail lizards and starfish do.” She simply answers, but at his laugh, she deflates.
Eve tries to approach it with Sera the next morning, hoping maybe she could clarify or change something about her design - maybe even make her like it! - and the angel instantly resorts to endless worry, checking Eve over and asking her if she was okay and if Adam had hurt her or forced her into anything, which makes the younger woman confused.
“Of course not. I want to get it, I just…don’t get it.”
At that, the Seraph had simply sighed in relief and pet her head gently, unsurely advising her to give it time and telling her to come back if she had genuine issues. Which, again, makes little sense to the younger woman, but she’ll take it.
It would be fine. For all his inability to understand, Adam did seem to care about her, and he promised he’d make it feel good for her, and…it didn’t feel awful all the time. Every time he asked if they could, Eve agreed, moreso because she couldn’t think of anything else to say than any real desire or obligation.
She’d just prefer not doing it.
They were right, it was silly to expect them to bear children by just holding hands…though that did sound pretty neat.
…
“Perhaps the problem is not with you at all. It is with Adam.”
“Perhaps this will make them understand, make you feel heard.”
"You'd best act soon, before he tires of you and has the angels make him a new wife."
As soon as Eve’s teeth sink into the apple, her vision spots and her knees buckle, and the piercing awareness of anything and everything avalanches onto her unprepared mind all at once. Eve’s smile flickers and fades, and suddenly she feels as though separated from her own body, staring down at the strange misshapen vessel her soul seemed to have been shoved in with a prickly, unfamiliar, heavy feeling sinking underneath her skin down to her very centre.
Shame.
It takes a heavy toll, weighing down on her bones and tugging at her chest as she frantically looks around. The world seems darker now, the greens of trees chipping away into an ashen crumble and the bright skies flickering with red as though on fire.
Fire. Does she know fire?
Lilith takes her hand slowly, but her voice swims uncomprehendingly somewhere in the woman’s ears with no distinct words leaking through. Eve is now acutely aware of Samael’s gleaming eyes - unwanted, unwanted desire - roaming over her.
Eve flinches back as though burnt, bile rising up her throat as her hands flail to cover herself up in vain. Everything in her screams wrong, wrong, wrong. She feels anger, at Samael for looking at her that way, at Lilith for not stopping him.
Suddenly, everything that seemed normal wasn’t - there were curves and mounds that didn’t seem to belong there, flags of flesh heavy in some areas and lighter in others. She imagined everyone else in Eden simply walking about her noticing these things, cheeks red with the new shame adorning her, no matter how much she tries to cover her chest and stomach and bend over to stay away from Lilith’s and Samael’s piercing view. She never wanted anyone to look at her again.
Eve doesn’t realise she’s screaming until she feels Adam’s protective hands on her shoulders, yelling above her as the storm of accusation begins. She craves his warmth, she craves hopping into his arms and simply cuddling for the sake of it.
Eve doesn’t look up as Adam sinks his teeth into the apple too.
…
It takes about ten years after they’ve finally settled down with enough food before Eve bursts into tears. Adam had instantly stopped kissing her, grabbing her waist to pull her up from where they were lying down and clutch her close. He grabbed her makeshift robes, wrapping them around her in comfort.
Eve doesn’t remember if they had been fighting again. It’s hard to remember or want anything, when every day is another struggle with hunger, predators, and the looming future that, by the day, seemed more empty than the fields they were supposed to toil. All she knows is that she doesn’t want to do anything but simply lie on him in exhaustion.
She wants to stop moving, stop kissing, stop being altogether.
“You’re mad at me.” Eve accuses, wiping at her face.
“No one is mad at you, sweet thing.” Adam assures, rubbing her knuckles in what she thinks might have been soothing. “It’s okay if you don’t want to do this now.”
Yes, sure. But it wouldn’t be alright if she didn’t want to do this ever, would it? He would get impatient at worse or insecure at best, the Heavens would question their lack of children, and eventually, some way or another, the blame would again spin to her - that she should never have bitten the apple.
But then, did Eve have a right to complain, when the unspoken ache of her guilt haunted over them every passing day? She might have been tricked, but she couldn’t help but feel it was her fault entirely. Her fault, for crumbling Eden and ruining her husband’s life along with it. No matter how much Adam avoided conversation on it, she knew it to be true.
Why else would they leave them stuck in this barren Earth with little guidance? Why else would their sole purpose be endless, nauseating, redundant procreation?
“They’re mad at me.” Eve cries instead, because see him try to refute that.
Adam doesn’t.
Instead, the First Man lies down again and lets her curl up on his bare chest, rubbing her back as he launches into a tale about the new sabre tooth who would now be trying to kill them. She wonders how he could so proudly walk around half-naked still, but supposes it’s more practical than anything. And she’s not complaining about the little hairs that grow along his jaw now, so easily there for her to rub her palm against.
“You don’t like touching me during sex, but you like petting me like some kind of puppy.” He remarks playfully, and she pouts her lips, pinching his cheek to simply say the truth.
“You are a puppy.”
“And you’re a child.” He snorts back, fingers treading through her hair. She ignores the pang of hurt in her chest, laughing as he tickles her ruthlessly. “Doesn’t matter how hot you are. You still say the stupidest things.”
…
When they do finally arrive, the children are a relief. They are, in Eve’s unbiased opinion, the absolute best part of all of this. Scratch that, they are the absolute best thing in the world. 100% the best compensation for sex, period.
They’re soft and round and smooth all over, pink and plush when she holds them to her chest and stomach. They crawl underneath her arms and paw at her face, eager to return her affections and always reaching for her. There is no accusation in their eyes. There is no confusion, no guilt, no shame with them. They laugh at silly, simple things like their father dropping rocks or making faces at them. They indulge and return the innocent affection Eve craves ten times over, calling to her with sweet voices and peppering her face with kisses.
And the best part?
Eve got to take nice long breaks from sex. Adam’s light-hearted complaints about how they nearly never sleep together without a new pregnancy fall quiet eventually. Easy excuses of her back aching or her womb smarting with kicks, and suddenly Adam is exceedingly careful with her, doting on her with extra food and simply satisfied with lying his head on her pregnant belly. He fretted enough during her menstruation, convinced she was going to bleed to death every time. He would only lay with her on the days she had mapped out, two weeks before her menses, and when he sensed her discomfort, he slipped away and distracted her.
It’s the closest thing to the simple, quiet gestures of affection back in Eden - intimate enough for her to revel in their shared warmth and fall asleep peacefully at night, not too exhausting or grating the way sex is.
Maybe this was what Sera meant, Eve thinks. Real life, perhaps, had to be this strange self-contradicting cycle of doing things she didn’t like to get the things she actually wanted. That was good enough for her.
…
Cain is gone. Abel is gone. Half her children are gone, and Eve can’t do anything about it.
For all their willingness to launch into parenthood, the First Man and Mother had never once thought that their children would witness or bear the horrors of growing up - of separation, of pain, of sin, of death.
Adam won’t look at her. She tries to pull at him, tap his back as he lay next to her, but he either pushes her away or stays still as the dead. She shivers alone in her corner of the cave with a couple of her daughters instead, looking longingly at the man cuddled up with the rest of their children. She thinks back to their fight earlier that day, all accusations and assumptions, as red and angry as the blood of her children spilled over stone.
“You just - what? You didn’t think it would happen? You didn’t know? It’s just my luck that my wife had to be a goddamn idiot. You weren’t cut out to be a mother, you’re no less stupid than a child!”
Maybe Adam is finally, truly angry at her.
She deserves it, she feels. The scorn for their suffering.
Things would have been so much easier if they hadn’t bitten the fruit. If she hadn’t listened to their trickery and let those doubts into her mind.
And now? She’s lucky if her husband would so much as look at her, let alone embrace her again.
Maybe Adam was right. Maybe Lilith and Samael were, too. Eve didn’t feel she was at all suited to be his wife, or mother to his children. It didn’t matter how much the children adored them - the children would adore a monkey if it lived with them long enough. Perhaps Lilith could have done better, had she stayed. Perhaps even said monkey could do better.
Was anything good she had brought to their lives? Could she do anything right? Sex was one thing, but did she have to fall short constantly in every damn thing that was ever expected from her?
Quiet tears drip down Eve’s face, and she clutches the new baby girl tightly to her chest as her child coos cluelessly back at her. She tries to think of a time she failed her family, of a time where she ever let anyone go to bed hungry or upset.
Even after the apologies a week later and the resumption to a semi-normal life, Eve stops reaching for Adam. She stops initiating hugs. She stops touch with him altogether. Pain lingers in his eyes when he realises, caution lingers in the children’s eyes when she becomes harder, sterner, less affectionate with their father. But she’s doing them a favour.
Was it childish, to not want to be alone? Eve does not want to be alone. But she is not allowed to want. She doesn’t deserve to.
…
Eve doesn’t like the paintings. Or the stories, for that matter.
Seeing shoddy colourful caricatures of herself proudly naked or weirdly sexualised makes her heart heavy with ache, so she avoids the other winners altogether. When frequenting Heaven, she opts to only leave home in long flowing robes that safely cover the shape and sight of her figure, sometimes even adorning veils and masks so that no one could recognise or comment on her.
Eve doesn’t care if the other angels and winners assure her that there is no malicious intent in their gazes, no intent for harassment or disrespect. Not even a second death could make her comfortable in this body, of the idea of people wanting to look at or touch it.
Perhaps there was always something wrong with her. But who cares now? Lilith and Lucifer are nowhere to be seen, Sera - for all her well-meaning check-ins - doesn’t understand jackshit about human beings, Emily is a goddamn cinnamon roll who she wouldn’t dare to even approach on the subject, and Adam-
Actually…maybe Adam does care.
Come to think of it, he seems to care even more now, and she didn’t think it was possible. Now that their life on Earth is over, he wants to spend time with her, constantly accompanying her to the parks and libraries and random restaurants. He doesn’t question her attire, even wearing similar robes and making them match (much to her annoyance, sometimes. Purple simply doesn’t suit him).
He pours every unspoken apology for their rough patches on Earth into endless affection, swarming her with aggressive embraces and sloppy kisses she sometimes returns and sometimes simply takes. It’s hard for her to not find herself being touched in some way.
But Eve doesn’t mind. She’s kind of relieved. Aggressive hugs is kind of her language. Since arriving in Heaven together, they have yet to actually couple again, and she’s fine with it.
Apparently, they’re a big deal now. Their descendants have multiplied. It turns out her family didn’t think she was a complete and utter failure (not going to lie, she didn’t see that coming, but she wasn’t going to complain now). Now, her husband practically parades around Heaven with her locked around his arm, singing her praises to the sun and back. Instead of accusation, she is surrounded by endless adoration - suddenly, she was the perfect mother and perfect wife, perfectly suited to be the first human woman ever.
A truly inspirational soul, Sera praises proudly.
Feminist icon, a soul gushes.
The original MILF, another soul whispers in awe, before getting smacked by Adam (playfully, Eve hopes, she’s sure whatever he meant isn't that bad).
It’s…Okay, it’s hella weird.
Eve feels ungrateful. Her husband was working hard to make her happy, everyone did, and she couldn’t bring herself to do anything but be the childish little Eve she used to be. Hide away in her corner, obsessed with her little animals and plants, only coming out to spend affectionate time with a select few children.
But…Sera said they could do whatever they want now, so surely it wasn’t childish.
The First Mother is tired. She’s tired of looking for excuses to want things she doesn’t want and like things she doesn’t like. Every compliment of her beauty itches her in all the ways she dislikes.
It isn’t until Eve finds herself on her back in their shared bed with Adam’s arms wrapped around her and his knee wedged between her legs that he says something, and she sleepily blinks out of her stupor.
“Huh?”
“I asked if you’re okay?” His concerned amber eyes bore into her with worry rather than accusation. His arms are still clenched around her, as though he’s afraid of letting her go. “You’re all tense and you didn’t say anything.”
Eve stares back wordlessly, processing what he said a minute later. “Oh! Uh-” She looks down at the half-done clothes strung across the floor and messy bed neither of them bothered to make this morning. "Why are we doing this again?”
“Doing what?” Adam blinks back in question. “Having sex?”
“Yeah. Why-” She swallows, unable to believe that this of all times is when cracks. It wouldn’t hurt to clarify, she guesses. “I thought we can’t have kids in Heaven?”
“We…can’t.” Adam answers.
“Then…why are we having sex?” She asks simply, as though asking why they hadn’t redone their windows or skipped their most recent ‘meeting’ with Sera (she thinks, for some reason, that someone has been misfiling her paperwork and throwing empty cans around the parks waiting to see who would step on them. She is sorely mistaken, because Adam and Eve threw away the cans afterwards. They’re not fucking monsters.).
“What are you talking about?” Adam asks more clearly now, chuckling to himself even as he unsurely eases off of her. He watches as she instantly picks up her robes, dons them with a straight face. “I thought you wanted to? You looked sad and sex makes me feel better when I’m sad, so…” He trails off.
“I wanted to cuddle.” Eve says simply, before realising all too late that she had been talking so much about her own wants. “But- I mean, if you want to, we can-” She makes to get off her robes again - which is kind of a pain, her arms always get stuck in her sleeves, and Adam is instantly reaching for her again, stabilising her as she nearly slips off her own feet in the process.
“Woah, hey! Eve, hold up just a fucking second.” Panic ebs away at his voice, as though she’s the one not taking this seriously, and she simply sits down when his hands guide her over to the edge of the bed, having no clue where this was going to go as she watches him fumble and strain to clasp half of his robes back on.
“I’m sorry I didn’t get the memo, babe. You wanna cuddle? Let’s crunch this.” Adam flexes his biceps, eliciting a satisfying crack! as she watches in wonder before opening his arms in invitation.
“So soft…” Eve mumbles happily, letting her cheek squish against his shoulder even as uneasiness from the earlier encounter remains. Come to think of it, Adam’s hand between her shoulder blades trailing down her back isn’t exactly helping.
She’s able to enjoy the embrace for a good five seconds, before she feels Adam’s lips against her throat and blinks nervously.
“Thanks!” The woman pats at his shoulder with finality, pulling away and pressing a chaste quick kiss to his lips as he watches bewildered. She knows what he’s thinking. This isn't the first time she rebuked him since arriving in Heaven.
“You okay, kianga?”
“Mm hm! Just remembered I had to do…a thing.”
He watches her with a straight face. “A thing that is not fucking.”
She hums again.
“Okay. Cool. Because, y’know…” Adam taps a foot, folding his hands behind his back and blinking innocently. “I really was just planning to sit here…cuddling…and definitely not fucking, for however long you wanted. But go off, I guess. I have been told I give off intensely sexy vibes in everything I do.”
Easily falling for his trick, Eve simply looks back at him. “Oh, really? In that cause, I’ll just cuddle then.”
She holds out her arms ready to be loved, but her husband only blinks back at her, before pointing at her in triumph. “Ha! Gotcha! I knew something was up!”
The two-timing bastard. So cruel, so unloving.
Adam waves his hands animatedly. “All this time I thought it was my bad breath or the new cologne, but now you can’t deny it. You’ve been avoiding sex with me on purpose, making up excuses about going places and doing other things. And I-why are you looking at me like that?“
Eve’s lips tremble. Yes, she knows she’s a grown woman. But she is also a woman scorned and betrayed. “You said you would cuddle me. And then you didn’t.”
“Fucking God-” Adam pauses, face twisting in remorse as he gives her an apology embrace before straightening out to his previous accusing expression.
“Back to the subject. Why are you avoiding me, Evie?” He asks with genuine worry rather than the accusation from before. “I’m not mad, I’m worried.”
“Because…I don’t want to have sex.”
There is a stiff, staunch pause. She holds her breath.
Adam then slowly nods. “Is…is it okay if I ask why?”
What reason can Eve possibly pick this time? She not pregnant or menstruating, she’s not in pain. She has no other reason than the fact that she knows she doesn’t want to. It’s the only thing she thinks she truly knows, far after all that confusion about their bodies and Earth had subsided. “I just…don’t want to.” Familiar doubt and insecurity blooms in his eyes, soft yet sticking out like a sore thumb in his usually easygoing gaze even as she reassures. "I like being close to you, just not too close all the time.”
He’s so close to her that their foreheads almost touch. She doesn’t remember the last time she has felt so close. How confusing was that? That she wanted to be close to him and touch him and wanted him to do the same, but didn’t want the one thing the Heavens deemed to be the epitome of intimacy?
“Okay.” Adam slowly answers, sounding that he understands about as much as she does.
“I’m sorry. I know that sounds childish.” Eve instantly says.
“I don’t think it’s childish.” He assures, slowly again as though piecing his thoughts together. Which…no offence, could take a while in the man’s case. “I think it’s you, and I love every part of you. But…” Ardent fear haunts his expression as he stares back at her. “You still want me, right?”
“Of course I do! I love you!” Startled by the easy confession as unbidden tears erupt in her eyes, Eve clutches at him tightly and feels rather than sees relief begin to chip away at the fear. “But I- I don’t know why, I don’t like sex. I’m sorry, I know sex means everything to you.”
“It’s not everything to me.” Adam instantly refutes, eyes narrowing with no true anger. Just…bewilderment, at the very suggestion. “The fuck?”
“Just…” She awkwardly shrugs, answering the unspoken question. “You seemed to want it a lot, and I felt bad that I…didn’t.” She shrivels under the weight of his questioning eyes, his heavy serious stare as she looks everywhere else and rubs the back of her neck.
“Eve.” He asks slowly. “Remember those times when I asked if that was okay and you said you wanted to? Does that mean…you really didn’t?” Something akin to horror leaks into his voice. “You didn’t just…say yes because you thought I was gonna be mad or replace you?”
Unsure how to answer the question, she shrugs again. “What does it matter?”
“It matters to me.” Adam instantly says, straightening up and leaning forward “Because all this time, I thought you wanted this. I know I can be an asshole sometimes, but I don’t want to push you into things you don’t want!”
Eve waves a hand, trying to assure him even as that familiar discomfort returns. “You didn’t push me. I agreed to it because I wanted to try it, try to like it. I just…I didn’t. I’m sorry. It’s not you or something you did wrong.”
“I like it, sure. Because it’s my way of showing you my love. It’s sacred to me, because it’s something I share with you.” Still doubtful, he brushes hair out of her eyes, tilting her chin with a gentleness she only rarely saw. “But if it’s not the same with you, we can…do something else. It’s okay, Eve.”
So - so she could have simply told him this years ago? So someone should have talked to her about this, assured and comforted her concerns, affirmed her wishes and she wouldn’t have had to spend ages pretending to like something she didn’t, centuries thinking there was something wrong with her? Eve sniffles. “I’m sorry.”
“Stop-“” Adam begins, voice firm even as a gentle finger caresses away at her tears. “-saying sorry. Haven’t you said it enough for one lifetime?” From where her tears begin to clear up, she registers his own saddened gaze, glazed eyes and downturned lips - something so ill-suited to his face. “I’m sorry if I made you feel like…you had to do it with me.” She hears him whisper against her ear, hand still rubbing soothing circles into her shoulder as she soaks in the familiar comfort of his embrace. How many times had she pulled herself away or chided herself from seeking affection, out of the fear of discomfort that sex would bring? Adam’s voice pulls her back to reality. “I’m sorry if I ever made you feel like you couldn’t talk to me without upsetting me or doubting yourself. I was…upset and confused, but I don’t ever want to make you feel that way.” He straigthens with resolve. “That means you have to tell me these things, okay? What you want or don’t want.”
“What do you want?” She asks reflexively, instinctively.
“I want for you to feel safe with me.” He easily answers. "I want you to be able to tell me anything. I want to be your best friend, not someone you’re afraid of or someone you feel you have to obey.”
“Then…" She takes a deep, shuddering breath. "I don’t want sex. I don’t think I’ve ever really, really wanted it for the sake of it.”
Adam’s face twists - part in sympathy, part in confusion. “That’s - that’s okay, Eve.” He assures at first, and her heart races at the unexpectedly easy revelation. “I’m s-”
"I don’t think I can ever want it.”
“That’s still okay.”
"I don’t mind…if you get it from someone else. At this point, maybe the angels can make you a new wife or three.” She quickly blurts out, every insecurity and fear she ever harboured bursting forth.
“How could you say that?” Adam asks, looking genuinely befuddled and hurt by her statement as he shuffles forward. He props himself up on his elbow, leaning over her to press his lips against her forehead. “You are my wife. Not some temporary fucktoy or replacement. You’re my first and only wife. We’ve done everything together at this point. You mean more to me than just sex.”
She presses her hands to her face. “How could I be important to you if I don’t like the things that are important to you?”
“I don’t like a lot of things that were important to you, and you don’t mind?” At her questioning peek, he clears his throat. “I…sorta…lied about liking whiptail lizards. I think they’re freaks.” At her stunned look, he looks away. “I’m sorry. I know you like them.”
“That’s…” She snorts to herself, covering her mouth as he smiles in relief at her reaction. “That’s okay, Adam.”
“Now that we’re doing this whole couples confession thing, what else do you want to get off your chest?” He rolls over, beckoning her over with an outstretched arm. She hesitates, before complying. The moment her head hits his bicep, she feels him curl her close. She wraps an arm around his neck comfortably.
“I don’t like tangerines.” Eve whispers shamefully, quietly looking down at their clasped hands.
“Never cared for those fucking wannabe oranges.” Adam flippantly waves his free hand, adoring eyes never leaving her own. “Who even likes shrivelled balls?”
She shyly holds the blanket over herself, ignoring the crude comment. “I don’t like the way S-Lucifer looked at me. I know it was ages ago but I still hate it.”
“I would like the way his severed intestines look on a cross.” Adam smoothly replies, even as the protective edge in his voice makes the coil in Eve’s chest soften with relief despite the violent intent.
“I don’t like my body." At the curious flicker of his eyes, she hesitates. "Sometimes I feel it’s gross. I mean, objectively, it’s nice, and I’m grateful to be able to move. I just…don’t feel like I belong in it.”
Something somber and heavy cross Adam’s eyes, and he shifts to pull her even closer, so that only she can hear his faint whisper. “Sometimes I feel that way too. But…does it feel uncomfortable when I say you are beautiful?”
She waits for the familiar feeling. It never comes. She shakes her head.
“It doesn’t. You are very…” Eve offers a toothy smile, fondly brushing a hand over his forehead as he beams at her. The hand stays in his hair, unmoving. She half-expects him to roll over, to pin her down or move against her, but he stays comfortably nestled against her. “Handsome.”
His hand cradles her face as he presses his lips against her temple again. “You are very beautiful.” He praises as easily as he breathes.
The next confession, her heaviest and most buried, lifts easier from her chest than anything. “I don’t like the way people look at me. I want to stay hidden forever.”
She doesn’t have to open her eyes to feel the way his words carve into her skin, embroidered in a soft breath of promise as he squeezes her hand. “Then I want to hide away with you, too.”