Chapter Text
“How were your college classes, Sixer?” Bill asked as he cooked a surprisingly palatable dinner.
“Good. We just started a unit on the undead in the cryptozoology course I’m taking.” He sniffed the air. “Whatever you’re making smells delicious, Bill.” Ford put a hand on Bill’s shoulder as the yellow triangle stirred a pot.
“Thanks! It’s the macaroni and cheese that comes in a box!” He chuckled. “I’m also putting mystery meat in it. I’ll give you a hint! It’s something Charles Darwin likes!”
“I normally hate when you make something so unhealthy for dinner, but I’ll allow it tonight.” He gave Bill a peck on the apex then went back to the kitchen table to read some scientific journal articles. A few minutes later, Theano and Hypatia appeared in the kitchen through their portal gun. “Good evening, girls. How was school?”
“Ughh-“ Hypatia groaned. “Yeah. It was good I guess.”
“We uh- studied and stuff. Yeah.” Theano sighed.
Ford was too oblivious to notice their lack of enthusiasm right away. “Oh, Hypatia! I listened to that Tesla album you gave me. I really liked it. I’m surprised I never heard of the band.”
“Yeah uh- it’s good music, I guess.”
Ford frowned. “Is everything okay, dear?”
A few moments later, Bill came into the dining room with a big pot of Mac and cheese. “Who wants Mac and cheese?!” He set it down on the wooden table.
“Dammit Bill! Use the trivet!” Ford quickly grabbed the pot and placed it onto the metal trivet. He sighed. “Sorry. You just startled me.”
“It’s okay, Sixer.” Bill gave Ford a gentle peck on the kiss. They all sat down. “So, kids. How was school?”
“Ughh stop interrogating us.” Hypatia rolled her eye as she poured macaroni onto her plate.
“Hunky dory.” Theano sighed.
“Geez. You kids sound like you’re being bullied or something.” Bill took a bite.
Hypatia narrowed her eye. “What? Were you spying on us or something?”
“No. I just had a lot of friends in high school who were bullied. That’s how I know.” He lied. Bill in fact, had zero friends before college.
“There’s no shame in admitting it”, Ford added. “We can’t help you kids unless we know what’s going on in your lives.” He took a sip of coffee out of one of Professor Ford’s weird mugs.
“We’re being bullied by these three really mean popular girls!” Theano cried out.
“Theano!”, Hypatia sighed.
“Their parents are top donors, so the teachers can’t really do anything about their behavior!” Theano spoke so fast when she confessed, that Bill and Ford took a moment to profess what she had just said.
“You should beat them up!” Bill replied casually.
“Bill, that’s not a good idea.” Ford sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. “Beating up your bullies is socially unacceptable in today’s social climate, sadly.” He shook his head. “What exactly are these girls doing to you?”
“They’re saying nasty things about us!” Theano complained. “Kaitlin with a K told me that I’m a dumb, ugly nerd! Caitlin with a C called Hypatia a lesbo, and Kate-Lynn, two words said that we’re both fat!”
“All three of them are named Caitlin?” Ford raised an eyebrow.
“Yes”, Hypatia sighed.
Ford nodded. “That’s very odd. Please continue.”
“That’s basically it”, the purple triangle replied. “The popular girls are ruining our lives, and we’re powerless to stop them.”
Ford couldn’t help but feel bad about how utterly distraught his daughters were. It reminded him of how he and Stan felt when they got bullied as kids. “That’s terrible. The only advice I can really give you two is to keep your heads held up high and focus on your schoolwork.”
“Okay…” Theano sighed.
This is not okay. Bill thought to himself. I’m going to give those girls a taste of their own medicine. Sixer might not want to get messy. But I am not above tormenting children.
—-
The next day, Theano and Hypatia dejectedly walked down the halls to their shared homeroom. “Well”, the purple triangle sighed. “At least none of the mean girls are in our home room.” She nearly tripped over as another shape caught the corner of her eye. Was that a Euclydian?! Was that girl a new student?!
The shape suddenly turned around, her hot pink shirt flapped ever so daintily. It said ‘Umm… I’m a little different. Get used to it.’ “Oh my gawd!” The yellow triangle said as she approached the twins. “Who are you freaks?”
“Papa- what the fuck?” Hypatia was utterly baffled. Her sister seemed to feel the same way. “You can’t be serious.”
“Umm- ew.” The girl scoffed. “I’m not your dad.” She held up her palm in front of them, which was covered in bracelets from Claire’s. “I’m the new girl, Billina.” She said in a valley girl voice. “I like girl things. Like talking about boy bands, eating spiders, and getting my period.”
“Oh my god…” Hypatia groaned loudly, burying her face in her hands. “No. Just no. Why papa?”
“I’m trying to help”, Bill whispered before going back into character. “Omigosh! Let’s talk about our favorite boy bands! Who’s the hottest Beatle? I know for a fact that it’s John Lennon! His hair is like- so long that I could shave it off at night and use it to make a little doll that’s shaped like him. And I find that super attractive in a man.” He said in his impression of a valley girl.
Theano looked around and sighed. “Lets just go to class.” She sighed dejectedly. It’s not like things could get any worse. Hopefully. And so, the two walked into class. Bill sat in the empty seat next to his daughters and unsheathed his claws. Then he got out a tube of pink nail polish and started to paint his nails.
Suddenly, a flat television on the classroom wall suddenly turned on, and two people appeared on screen. “Omigosh, what’s that?” Bill asked.
“The morning announcements”, Hypatia whispered. “All the classrooms got televisions this year.”
“It’s on a television?!” Bill was so surprised that he nearly broke character. “Haha. Oh my gawd that’s so cool.”
“Good mooooorning, interdimensional high schoolers!” A sharply-dressed human sophomore announced. “I’m your host, Nathan Jones.
“And I’m Hailie!” A talking female ball of hail added. “Today is Wednesday, which means the cafeteria is serving falafel and hummus for herbivores, and sloppy joes for carnivores. Silicon-based life forms will get a choice of drywall mud or rock burgers.”
“Chess club is having tryouts in room 107 after school.” Nathan neatly folded a stack of papers. “In other news, local bumbling fool, Thomas Wazinski got a concussion while trying to sled down the stairs in the hallway using a lunch tray.” He then played the clip of an amorphous shape hopping on a lunch tray and cheerily wildly as he slid down the stairs, and then crashing into a wall. “He is expected to make a full recovery.”
Bill turned to Hypatia. “They’re just allowed to gossip on school television?!” He whispered. Admittedly, he thought it was hilarious.
“Well yeah. It’s not any different than regular news channels. Why wouldn’t we be allowed to?” They both looked back at the television.
“Wow! Talk about an unexpected landing!” Hailie chuckled. “And for our last story of the day, the most popular football player in the school, Daniel Dragonslayer is reportedly dating a walrus.” The screen showed some photos of him sitting next to a walrus at lunch and kissing her. Half the class chuckled, and the other class made disgusted noises. “Tune in next time for our interview with Daniel. Until next time, this is Hailie and Nathan, signing off.” The television then faded to black.
A few moments later, their human teacher walked to the front of the room. “Good morning, class!” She warmly smiled. “I just got notice that a new student enrolled into our school.” She gestured towards Bill. “Can you introduce yourself to the class please?”
“Good lord…” Hypatia muttered under her breath.
Bill proudly stood up on the desk and faced the rest of the class. “Hi! My name is Billina Rosenthalbergenstein, and I’m Theano and Hypatia’s cousin on their dad’s side. I love clothing, makeup, and the color pink!”
Surprisingly, the other students seemed to buy it. He sat back down, seeming proud of himself.
“Alright. Thank you very much for sharing, Billina.” The teacher started writing on the chalkboard. “Now let’s continue reading The Picture of Dorian Gray.”
—-
Bill followed Theano to her next class. He would be going to class with Hypatia for third period. After all, what kind of father would he be if he didn’t give his daughters equal attention. He sat down next to her. “So, what’s your favorite boy band?” Bill asked as he got out his sparkly notebook and pen.
Theano sighed. “I’m not really into that kind of stuff anymore. My tastes in music are much more refined and mature.”
Bill dropped the act a little, figuring that nobody else would notice. Though he still retained his valley girl voice and mannerisms. “Oh, you’re just like Sixer- I mean- my uncle. I know you like Sev’ral Timez.” He flashed a cheeky look at her.
“Dad likes Sev’ral Timez?” Theano whispered.
“No. But he likes The Beatles and The Beach Boys. Which is like- basically the same thing.”
She rolled her eyes. “That is not the same thing.”
“They’re both boy bands”, he scoffed.
“That’s not-“ Theano shook her head. “Anyway, this is AP Quantum Physics, so please don’t embarrass me. All my cool friends are in this class.”
Friends. Bill lamented. That’s right. She’s a total dork in AP Quantum Physics, yet she has friends. What a lucky kid. He looked away, then snuck a glance of the kid behind her whispering a joke in her ear about the teacher. They both chuckled, and she leaned back towards her desk and began doodling a picture of an alien from a TV show she liked. I would’ve killed for that. He thought to himself. But despite his jealousy, it still felt oddly comforting to watch Theano in her element. Just being herself and having fun. Even if she was being bullied, she at least had friends. She didn’t face persecution for being a triangle, or for having six fingers. She actually got to be a kid, which was incredible in Bill’s mind.
A red sphere scooted in and took a seat next to Theano. “Theano. You will not believe the night I had! I accidentally forgot to watch the new episode of Star Trek, so I had to go to a dimension with a different timezone to watch it. And all the humans were replaced with a species of 4-legged insect with cone-shaped heads. Still was awesome though. Just like you said it would be.”
“We’ll have to watch it together this week”, Theano awkwardly chuckled.
“No can do!” He groaned. “My schedule’s all filled up this week! My girlfriend’s making me go to a movie with her tonight.” He leaned back in his chair.
“Aw man. Which one? The Fifth Element or the new Austin Powers movie?”
“Father’s Day! It’s the only one she wants to see!” He planted his face on the table and groaned loudly. “Ughhh she has such bad taste.”
“Terrible. Absolutely terrible taste.” Theano nodded.
Abbot sighed and lifted his head back up, then flinched as he saw Bill. He quickly looked around and whispered in her ear. “Theano- who the hell is that?”
“My dad’s trying to infiltrate the popular girls clique so he can get them to stop bullying me”, Theano groaned.
“Oh dear.” He frowned. “Well, on the bright side, at least he isn’t calling you a loser for getting bullied.” The sphere nervously chuckled. “Not that mine ever did but uh- still sucks I guess.”
“Yeah…” Theano sighed.
Suddenly, the bell rang. Time for class!
—-
Luckily, science class was uneventful. Although the teacher was pretty impressed by how quickly Bill finished his worksheet and got 100 percent. “Have fun, Theano! Bill called out as he happily pranced to Hypatia’s next class. He got there just as the bell was about to ring and scooted up next to her at the table. “Hi, Hypatia.” He cheekily rested his head on his hands propped up by his elbows. “What are we doing in AP Interdimensional History?”
“What I normally do.” She turned to her notebook. “Doodle while the teacher talks.”
“Ah, I remember that.” Bill happily reminisced. “Honestly, I would read the entire textbook for the class before the semester started, and I would just doodle for most of classtime. Or if that teacher was particularly strict, I would sneak a book under my desk and read it. Still got straight A’s.”
“Funny. I do the exact same thing.” Hypatia showed Bill her blueprints for a ray gun that removes a proton from chlorine to turn it into sulfur. “This is a ray gun that turns chlorine into sulfur.” There was a look of mischief painted across her face. “Imagine the kind of chaos this could cause! It could make a pool really stinky!”
“Or turn table salt into sodium sulfide!” Bill added.
“I don’t know if I’d go that far. Someone might get hurt.” Hypatia flipped a page. “Ooh, here’s one! A whoopie cushion that’s self-inflating and makes an even louder fart noise than any other whoopie cushion on the market!”
“Neat-o!” Bill exclaimed as he took a look.
Mrs. Herman walked into the room a few moments later, her feathers absolutely reeking of weed. “Take a seat, children!”
“Oh boy!” Hypatia exclaimed and raised her hand. “What are we learning about in this new unit?”
“We’re learning about…” Mrs. Herman wrote down the name of the unit on the chalkboard. “The Cold War. Can anyone tell me what The Cold War is?”
Alejandra raised her flipper. “Like the Cuban Missile Crisis or something?”
The teacher nodded. “The Cuban Missile Crisis happened in some dimensions, yes.” She looked around. “Anyone else?”
Hypatia raised her hand. “When Luke Skywalker fought against the rebels on Hoth?”
The class chuckled. Mrs. Herman playfully rolled her eyes. “Give me a real answer, Hypatia.”
“It’s uhh-“ She tried to articulate her answer into words. “It’s when WWII ended and there was a power struggle between the United Stated and the Soviet Union, plus their allies.”
Bill was happy to see his daughter be the class clown, yet still be in the good graces of his teachers. It felt good knowing that Hypatia wasn’t under constant pressure to be a good representative of Triangles, or to be constantly chided by her teacher for having such a goofy personality. If only I could relive my days through her eye, he thought to himself. But I am in high school, am I not? I could do all that and more.
“Yes! Very good!” The teacher seemed pleased with that answer. “It started around March 1947 in most dimensions, but in Dimension 46-D, it started in April. If you turn to page 389 in your textbooks, you can see a table of events for each dimension where the Cold War was known to have happened.”
“Mrs. Herman?” Hypatia raised her hand. “Were there dimensions where the Cold War was more than just the Western countries versus the Eastern countries?” She started doodling in her notebook, still looking up to take notes as her teacher spoke.
“Yes”, the teacher answered. “There’s a few dimensions where there were three or more major world powers. We will get to that tomorrow. But for now, let’s talk about the events that led up to the Cold War. Does anyone know when World War II ended?”
Bill raised his hand. “With Japan’s surrender in late 1945. And in Dimension 527, when the Ottoman Empire collapsed.”
“Yes, very good, Theano”, the teacher nodded, not realizing that Theano took her class in a different period. As Mrs. Herman continued with her lecture, Bill couldn’t help but think about what an amazing opportunity this was. He got to relive his high school years all over again! As the popular kid, not the outcast! He imagined all the possibilities. No more swirlies, no more getting beaten up or called names! Just having fun being a kid! He could hardly wait to hang out with the popular kids at lunchtime next period!
—-
It was 4th period, which meant that it was time for lunch! Theano and Hypatia sat down next to their two friends, Allie and Abbott.
“Im telling you, Persian is the best normal-type.” Theano sipped on her juice box.”
“How can you even say that when Snorlax has a way higher attack stat?!” Hypatia retorted.
“No- she’s got a point.” Abbott replied. “With a high speed stat, its slash attack has a 99 percent crit rate.”
“Are we really overlooking Tauros?” Alejandra squeaked. The dolphin squinted and looked over at the table at the other side of the cafeteria. “Wait- is that your dad?”
“Snorlax could easily-“ Hypatia stopped mid-sentence and looked over to see what she was talking about. Sure enough, Bill was taking his lunch tray over to the popular girl’s table. “Oh dear lord.”
“Their dad is apparently trying to infiltrate the popular girls’ clique”, Abbott explained. “I honestly think this is going to end up badly.”
Alejandra nodded. “Maybe. But I like a good shitshow.” She watched intently as the scene unfolded before her. Although they were too far away to hear what they were saying, they could at least see what was happening.
“Hi girls!” Bill greeted as he walked over to the large lunch table where the three girls sat. The group consisted of a human, an elemental who vaguely reminded him of Pyronica, and an amorphous shape that wore the same miniskirt and blazer combo as the other two girls. “I’m new and don’t have any friends. Do you mind if I sit here?”
“Ooh sorry.” The elemental winced. “Our table is actually full. You’ll have to sit somewhere else.”
“Really?” Bill raised an eyebrow. “Because it looks like this table can fit ten people, and there’s only three of you here.”
“Well we-“ the human was suddenly interrupted by Bill.
“You’re bad at math?” Bill sat down at the other side of the table. “Or you three are just rank-ass bitches who can’t handle making a new friend? Personally, I’m going with the latter, because I can smell the insecurity emanating from you from underneath your thick layer of mall-brand Victoria’s Secret perfume.” He planted his lunch tray firmly in front of him.
The elemental scowled at him defiantly. “Okay, you’ve made your pitch. What the hell do you want?”
Bill neatly folded his hands. “I crave a boon. I want you three to take me in. And in return, I’ll do your homework.”
The human scoffed. “You don’t think we’ve already hired someone to do that for us?” Shit. Of course they had already thought of that.
“How about this”, he proposed. “I’ll pull some strings and make all three of you the prom queen.”
“How the hell would you do that?” The elemental raised an eyebrow. “School rules state that there can only be one prom king and queen per year.”
“Watch and learn.” Bill became intangible, then slid into the loudspeaker, travelled to the principal’s office, slid into the principal’s head, then took over his body in the blink of an eye. He then pressed the button on the loudspeaker. “Attention! There has been a change to the rules of the prom queen vote! There will be three open slots for prom queen this year, which means that the top three girls this year will be crowned the prom queen!”
The announcement then stopped and Bill reappeared at the lunch table. “What do you think?”
They stared at Bill, slack-jawed. Did this new girl really have the power to do that?
“I suppose we can give you a chance”, the elemental said.
“Nuh-uh. You have to shake on it.” Bill extended his lanky, clawed hand. “Do we have a deal?”
She sighed. “Deal.” A blue light briefly enveloped the two, then faded away. “Before we go further, I should ask- what’s your name?”
“My name is Billina Rosenfieldsteininburg”, he replied.
“Wait-“ the human raised an eyebrow. “What sleepaway camp did you go to? I might know you.”
“I can assure you that we didn’t”, Bill said in a haughty tone. “I’m not really the type of person that plebs can play geography with. I’m so rich, that you probably haven’t even heard of the sleepaway camp that I go to. It’s in The Hamptons.”
“I went to sleepaway camp in The Hamptons too.”
“Yeah. But mine was underwater. Inside of a big bubble.”
“Oh damn, that’s fancy.”
“Anyway”, the elemental interrupted. “I’m Kaitlin with a K. I'm the daughter of five-time Miss Multiverse winner, Hydronica.”
Of course, Bill thought to himself. She’s Pyronica’s niece, no wonder she looks so much like her.
“This is Caitlin with a C.” She pointed at the human. Her dad’s a CEO and she just got a nose job. All the women in her family get nose jobs at sixteen.”
“Ugh- Kaitlin!”, Caitlin with a C groaned. “Why the hell do you always have to bring that up?!”
“Because it’s fucking funny”, Kaitlin with a K said matter-of-factly. She then pointed to the last girl, an amorphous shape. “This is Kate-Lynn, two words. Ignore the fact that one of her corners is slightly obtuse.”
“Hey!” Kate-Lynn two words retorted. “At least I don’t have crooked teeth!”
“They’re not crooked, I got braces, Kate-Lynn!” She rolled her eye. “GAWD- it’s like you’re fucking blind or something.”
Bill’s hunch was right on the money. These three girls were rife with insecurities!
“Anyway.” Kaitlin with a K stood up. “Let’s give you a makeover, Billina. We can’t have you walking around looking like this.” She grabbed Bill and tied his shirt into a crop, then she pulled a blazer out of her backpack and put it on him as if she were dressing up a doll. “There.” She dusted her hands off. “Now you look at least somewhat presentable.” She sat back down.
“Hey- I saw you in history class.” Kate-Lynn two words pointed out. “Didn’t you introduce yourself to the class as Hypatia’s cousin when we played Jeopardy towards the end?”
“Oh yeah.” Bill awkwardly chuckled. “Second cousins. I hardly know her, though.”
“I figured you weren’t closely related to her.” Caitlin with a C pointed out as she put some salad on her fork. “Their family is so poor that they can’t afford to get nose jobs for their human forms.” She smirked. “Did you get one for your freaky bird nose? Or did you not need one?”
Their noses? He remembered Hypatia being worried that her nose was going to end up being aqualine when she got older. And he remembered Ford mentioning being insecure about having a large nose. Evidently, it was something humans were very sensitive about. “Pfft. No.” Bill lied, even though his nose was even more aquiline than Ford’s. “I was born with a cute little button nose.” More than anything, he wanted to rip her heart out with his bare fists for insulting his daughters. But he would have to play the waiting game to serve his revenge. “It’s really nice that I was born with one, because I don’t have to worry about it being uneven from a botched rhinoplasty like you do, Caitlin.” He took a sip out of his juice box.
“Excuse me?!”
The two Kates snickered.
“At least I’m not fat like you two are!” Caitlin with a C retorted.
Kaitlin with a K crossed her arms.“Oh, you bitch!”
—-
After school, Theano walked past Abbott in the commons. “Hey, Abbott. Wanna come over and study?”
“Ooh- sorry.” He winced. “I’m hanging out with my new girlfriend. Then afterwards, I’m going to play bionicles with one of my guy friends.”
A shadowy cloud of dust emerged from behind him. “Hey Abbott. You didn’t respond to me on AOL Instant Messenger last night when I asked how you’re feeling. Is everything alright?”
The sphere nervously chuckled. “Sorry. I was uhh- Studying.”
The cloud frowned. “I was just worried, because when I saw you leaving the Sadboy Poets Club yesterday, you were on the verge of tears and refused to tell me what was wrong.”
“Alright, babe! This was a fun chat!” He let out an awkward chuckle that was way louder than intended. “I’m going to theater club with Hypatia now! Catch you later!”
He quickly ran off and grabbed Hypatia, eliciting an excited “Wheeee!” From her.
Theano sighed. “Uh- Have fun, Abbott. See you in class tomorrow!” Don’t worry, Theano. She’ll get sick of him after prom. Then he’ll be single again and we can hang out like old times! She noticed Bill and the Kaitlins talking in the hallway as she walked by, and quickly averted her gaze away from them.
“And I said- ugh! Gag me with a spoon!” Kate-Lynn groaned.
Bill scoffed. “Kate-Lynn. You deserve so much better than Brad J. You should be dating Brad B. His parents are way richer, and he’s got a nice car.”
“Omigosh, you’re so right”, Kate-Lynn said. “He’s so cute.”
“Sure. If you think that.” Bill shut his locker,
“Hey, look!” The amorphous shape pointed at Theano as she walked by. “There’s the loser who can’t get a prom date!”
Theano scowled, then looked at Bill, who nervously shrugged. As much as he wanted to defend his daughter, this wasn’t the right time. The equilateral triangle narrowed her eyes and gave the finger as she walked away. It was unclear to Bill if that was directed to Kate-Lynn, or to him as well. Either way, he felt bad for not saying anything. He sighed. “Hey, at least she’s not Hailie. I hear her last boyfriend cheated on her.”
“PFFT!” Kate-Lynn scoffed. “She always tries to say it was the other way around. Can you believe her?”
Bill awkwardly chuckled. Man. Was he in some deep shit right now.
—-
“I still can’t believe you got the theater teacher to let us do Angels in America”, Abbott chuckled as he read his lines.
“Angels in America: High School Edition” , Hypatia corrected. “It’s slightly abridged and has no curse words or sexual references. But Ms. G insists it’s almost as raw and daring as the real thing!” She sighed. “I wish I was as naive as her. Oh well. It’s still my favorite play.” She flipped a page in her script. “Who’s the guy that plays Joe, again?”
“Gavin Beetfisher. He’s coming to my house to watch Evangelion with me tonight.”
“He’s gonna love it! It’s a theater kid’s dream anime!” Hypatia jumped up giddily. “Once he finishes, the three of us, plus Theano, should totally discuss it!”
“Totally. Theano has an encyclopedic knowledge of that show’s lore.”
The theater teacher suddenly poked her head backstage. “Roy and Joe! Scene 5! You’re on standby, Hypatia”
“Oh, that’s me!” Abbott ran out to the stage with Gavin. The two stood across from one another, divided by a wooden doorframe. Abbott had rehearsed this scene a few times before, but today was when they’d start doing the blocking.
“Now, remember!” The teacher called out. “You are Roy Cohn! You’re not some shy little nerd! You’re going to be confident! You are going to have more chutzpah than anyone onstage! Remember! You are the scummiest lawyer in all of New York City!”
“Yeah!” Abbott hyped himself up, trying to get himself into character. “My best friend is Donald Trump and I’m dying of liver cancer! Screw anyone who says it’s AIDs!”
Ms. G smiled. “Alright, places, everyone! And begin!”
Abbott and Gavin started conversing angrily back and forth about Joe’s betrayal. Occasionally being instructed to move their arms and shift their feet. But then, the real blocking started happening.
Gavin read his lines. “You told me you were dying, Joe.”
“What are you talking about, Joe?” Abbot smirked. “I never said that! I’m in perfect health. There’s not a darn thing wrong with me!” He extended his hand. “Shake on it?” Notably, he exhibited a degree of bravado onstage than Hypatia had ever seen him show in real life. She thought it was a testament to how good he was at acting. Perhaps it was a natural talent. Or perhaps it was a skill acquired out of necessity, having grown up constantly having to lie to his overbearing father.
Displaying hesitance, Gavin extended his scaly hand and gave Abbott a firm handshake. The sphere then pulled him and averted his eyes, still facing Gavin. “It’s okay that you hurt me because I love you, baby Joe. That’s why I’m so rough on you.” He then released Gavin and the triceratops stepped back awkwardly. Abbott’s lips curled slightly upwards as he talked, revealing the tips of his razor-sharp teeth. It was shocking to Hypatia, as she had never seen him move his mouth like that before. Having grown up in a multidimensional space, he always made an effort to hide his teeth, knowing that they could be seen as threatening to herbivorous species. “Prodigal son. The world will wipe its dirty hands all over you.”
Gavin’s eyes widened with surprise, but he tried to maintain his composure. “It already has, Roy.”
Abbott shoved him. “Now go.” He said with the slightest twinge of pain to his voice. But just as Gavin turned around to leave, Abbott grabbed him and spun him forward. Then he firmly grasped the dinosaur’s wrist and smoothed out his sleeves. “I’ll always be here, waiting for you.” His voice was eerily soft. Gavin looked at him, utterly shocked, blushing profusely. That expression wasn’t anywhere in the blocking notes. No, this was all natural. Quickly looking back at his notebook, Gavin shoved Abbott away. The sphere smirked. “Transgress a little, Joseph”, he started blushing as well. What was this feeling? It felt so odd and yet- so right. “There are so many laws. Find one you can break.”
“And scene!” The theater teacher said. Excellent work! No notes for now, you two are naturals!” She smiled. “We will do part 2 tomorrow! Sadly, we’re out of time today!”
“Aw darn!” Hypatia closed her script and Gavin quickly ran backstage with Abbott.
The dinosaur looked around. “Hey, Abbott uh- can I still come over?”
“Yeah! Sure!” He nervously chuckled, his lips once again completely covering his teeth. “I hope I didn’t make you uncomfortable!”
Gavin blushed. “No. I actually felt uh- great.” He nervously chuckled and started backtracking. “I know that sounds weird but-“
“No, it’s okay! I felt it too!” Abbott blushed profusely. “Let’s just go and watch Evangelion too. This feels really weird to talk about.”
“Yeah- totally!”
—-
The next day, Bill slid into his assigned seat during first period and looked over at Theano. “Hey girl, hey!” The triangle said in a valley girl accent. He and his daughter had hardly spoken since after school yesterday, as she had chosen to eat dinner in her room. Hopefully, she was just busy studying.
Theano said nothing. Instead, she opened up her notebook and started angrily writing Scully x Mulder fanfiction in her notebook using her official Star Trek ink pen.
Dejectedly, Bill looked over at Hypatia and sighed. “Is Theano okay?” He whispered.
The purple triangle spoke as she drew a picture of Xena: Warrior Princess slaying what looked like a giant dragon. “You really left her hanging.”
“I know…” He slumped over in his seat. “It’s not like I had a choice in the matter though!”
His daughter rolled his eye. “Whatever.”
Suddenly, the class television turned on. “Welcome back to our morning announcements! I’m Hailie!”
“And I’m Nathan!”
“And we’ve come to report some exciting news!” A graphic appeared above them that said ‘Prom 1998’ “As we all know, the last Friday of May is when everyone votes for the prom king and queen. But this year, the principal has announced that he’s changing the rules! There will now be three prom queens instead of one!”
The screen cut to a clip of an interview with the principal. “You know- looking back, I don’t know why I said that. It felt like I was having an out-of-body experience and I wasn’t in control. But I did say it. And I’m a man of my word. So why not have three prom queens?” He shrugged, then the screen cut back to the two newscasters.
Hailey looked at a piece of paper. “Our current polls indicate that the three Kates will win the prize this year! These three girls have given so much for the school! For instance, all three of them hold leadership positions in Key Club! Not to mention that all three of them have won the highly-coveted ‘Student of the Month’ award on more than one occasion! These girls have been absolutely killing it lately!”
Hypatia crossed her arms. “They only have those awards because their parents are top donors.”
The teacher gave her a strange look as she sipped a cup of coffee. “Hypatia, don’t be a Jealous Jancy.”
“What?!” She groaned. “What does that even mean?!”
The camera angle on the television turned towards Nathan. “Thanks, Hailie. Anyways, your ballots will be passed out in First Period and you can drop them off in the ballot box in the cafeteria. Lunch today is tofu caesar salad for herbivores, fish sticks for carnivores, and ground plaster for silicon-based lifeforms. The new issue of the school paper can be picked up in the commons for only a dollar. Remember that next Monday there is an assembly on Spice Addiction Awareness at 7th period, so make sure to plan accordingly. That’s all for today! Have a lovely Wednesday!” The TV then turned off.
—-
At lunch, Abbott excitedly held up a school newspaper. “Look! People liked my first movie review so much, that they let me make a second one!” He smiled. “I gave The Fifth Element four out of five stars!”
“We really need to watch a movie together sometime”, Theano groaned.
“Eventually.” He put the paper away. “I only found the time to watch it because my family is rich and we have a home cinema. All this studying is really eating away at my time.” He sighed. “My guidance counselor said I’m going to have to have a second senior year because I’ve needed so many study halls to get caught up on all the material the memory gun made me forget.”
“Hey!” Hypatia tried to cheer him up. “Look on the bright side! You’ll have a whole nother year to sit with us at lunch! Plus, we can graduate together!”
“Yeah…”
“Hey, Abbott, can you proofread the next chapter of my Spirk fanfic please?” Theano asked as she handed him her notebook.
Allie raised an eyebrow. “Abbott’s been reading your Star Trek slash fic?”
Theano nodded. “Yeah. He thinks it’s really good. And-“
Abbott frantically interrupted. “She asked me to do it because she had a deadline for an upcoming fanzine!” He nervously chuckled. “I just think it’s well-written! That’s all!”
The purple triangle looked behind her back. “Hmm… I wonder what stupid bullshit papa is up today…”
—-
Bill sat with the popular girls just like he did yesterday. The four of them were hard at work on their prom queen campaign. Soon, the whole school would bow down to them
“Okay.” Kaitlin with a K muttered as she worked on her poster. “The Kaits for Prom Queen.” She held it up in front of the group.
“Why is it spelled with a K?” Caitlin with a C asked.
“Why it it spelled like your name?” Kate-Lynn two words asked.
“Because I’m the leader”, Kaitlin with a K said matter-of-factly.
“Ugh. Whatever.” The amorphous shape rolled her eyes. “At least I got a hot date to prom, AND I get to be the queen.”
“My prom king is totally going to be Carlos McKinnon”, Caitlin with a C sighed dreamily.
“I’m going with Brad. B.”, Kate-Lynn two words said.
“I’m going with my boyfriend, Nathan Jones.” Kaitlin with a K said. She looked over to Bill and smirked. “Who are you going to prom with?”
“Oh. My boyfriend goes to another school. I don’t think he can make it there. He’s always super busy.” Bill chuckled.
“Pfft. Bullshit”, Caitlin with a C scoffed. “Who do you like here?”
“Oh, I don’t think I like any of the guys here. I prefer mature men.” He nervously laughed.
“Come on! You got to like somebody!” Kaitlin with a K said. “What guy in this school do you like?”
“Hmm…” Bill scanned the room, hoping there was a grown-ass man somewhere. Then he saw him. The perfect prom date.
“Hey kids. Does anyone know where I can buy some illegal marijuana and cocaine?” A clearly 30 year-old male mongoose in a backwards baseball cap asked the guys at the stoner table. Of course! The undercover cop! Perfect!
“I like that guy!” Bill pointed to him.
“Eww- you like Justin Averageboy?” Kaitlin with a K raised an eyebrow. “ He’s so socially awkward. But, it’s your bad taste. Not mine. You should totally ask him out to prom though.”
“I don’t think I shoul-“
“Oh, come on!” Caitlin with a C said. “You’re going to look like an even bigger dork if you don’t have a prom date! You wouldn’t want to embarrass us, would you?” She smirked.
“I guess not.” Bill sighed. “Okay. Fine.” He crossed his arms. “But if I don’t come back, send help. Because he’s like- totally weird.” He reluctantly walked over to his table. The boys all looked at Bill, stunned that a popular girl had decided to approach them.
“Hey Justin?” He nervously twiddled with his thumbs behind his back and giggled. “Can I talk to you alone please?” He playfully batted his eyelashes.
“OOOOOH” one of the stoner kids said. “A girl’s talking to you! This is your big chance, man!”
“Oh boy!” Justin nervously chuckled and followed Bill to an unoccupied corner of the cafeteria. “What do you want, Billina? Do you know where I can find some good drugs?”
“Well-“
“Can you lean in closer to my chest please?” He pointed to something that was poking out from his undershirt.
Bill shook his head and rolled his eye. “Look, man. I know you’re an undercover cop. I’m also a 30 year-old man who’s pretending to be a high schooler, which is why I need you to be my prom date. Because the popular girls are begging me to find a guy, and I’m not some kind of creep who dates kids!”
Justin raised an eyebrow. “And what do I get out of this?”
“I’ll tell you who’s been selling Spice .” Bill whispered.
His eyes widened. “You know about the spice ?” He knows about the spice… could he be the one…? Justin thought to himself.
“I do.” Bill lowered his eyelid. He wants the spice, his inner monologue echoed.
“Very well then. I will be your prom date”, Justin sighed. He walked back to his table. He better have the spice.
Bill happily walked back to the popular girls. “I did it! Justin is going out to prom with me!”
The girls snickered. “Wow. Good for you.” Kaitlin with a K said.
Bill spotted a nerdy guy handing out lunch trays to the girls. “Wait- hold on?” He gasped. “You have people stand in line for you to get food?!”
“That’s right!” Kaitlin with a K chuckled. “One of the benefits to being a popular girl is that people will bend over backwards for you!”
Holy shit. Bill thought to himself. He couldn’t believe this! He went from being an outcast to the most popular guy in school! If his 15 year-old self heard about this, he’d be jumping for joy! “You there, nerd!” He pointed to the child. “Get me a Pitt Cola out of the vending machine!”
“Uh- yes M’am!” The nerd quickly ran towards the machine and ran back to him with the cola less than a minute later. Excellent! He opened up the can of soda and took a sip. “So, are you using your lackeys to hang up all the prom posters as well?”
“They’re already on it.” Kaitlin with a K nodded.
This was excellent! Now he could look like a total bad bitch at prom!
—-
After school, Hypatia headed over to theater club. “Hey, Abbott, I’ve hardly seen you all day! What’s going on?”
“Oh, Hypatia! Eheheheh!” He nervously chuckled. “I was just uh- Asking about one of our upcoming scenes together. When Ethel refers to Roy as ‘zaftig’, what does that mean? Is that some kind of Jewish thing?”
“Oh yeah! It’s Yiddish slang for pleasantly plump. Like in a sexy way.” She mischievously narrowed her eyes. “Theano calls you that when you’re not around.”
“Oh dear lord…” Abbott felt his hands get cold and clammy. He lowered his voice to a whisper. “Umm… Could you keep a secret?” He started getting shaky.
Hypatia nodded. “For you or my sister, sure. For anyone else, no.”
“I uhh”, he winced. “Had a moment of weakness and cheated on my girlfriend.”
“Seriously?” She rolled her eye, seeming pretty nonchalant. “Well, you gotta break up with her now, I guess. Maybe lie about the timeline to save your ass”.
“I was going to break up with her anyway but-“ he started sweating.
“Wait- so did you kiss another girl or-“
“Well uhh- you know how uh-“ He started panting. “When lesbians- you know- lesbians? They-“ He took a deep breath. “You know how it’s- They do the gay thing and-“
“Relax, Abbott. Whatever you’re about to say, I won’t judge you.” She put a reassuring hand on his shoulder.
“Gavin and I kissed!” When he wheezed the sentence out of his mouth, it sounded almost like a balloon deflating.
“A guy?!” Hypatia nearly shouted. Not that there was anything wrong with that. He just never expected Abbott to be with a guy. “Did you like it?! I want ALL the details, Abbott.”
“We were both wine-drunk and he brought up that he was a little bi-curious, and I said he could kiss me to find out if he’s gay or not so we kissed and I liked it!” The words came out of his mouth so quickly that Hypatia could barely process it. He clawed at the sides of his face agonizingly. “For ten minutes!”
Hypatia nodded cheekily. She couldn’t believe this! It was such a juicy piece of gossip! If only she was able to share it! But she’d never stoop that low. “That’s wild! I always knew you were a little fruity! I’m honestly jealous, I’ve never had a gay encounter before!”
“It’s so embarrassing…” Abbott groaned. “I don’t know how I’m going to break the news to my girlfriend.”
Hypatia looked back at a nearby group of theater kids and saw the triceratops talking to a few girls. She couldn’t believe Abbott kissed him! Quickly, she looked back at her friend. “He’s kind of a hillbilly. But honestly, I can totally see it.”
Abbott seemed distraught. “I don’t know what to do, Hypatia…”
“Hey, it’s fine! We all have secret shames!”
“Not as bad as mine, I’m sure.”
“Well uhh-“ Hypatia looked around to make sure nobody was within earshot of her. “I uhh- haven’t hit any of the bases yet…”
“Seriously?” He gave her a sympathetic glance. “I think you just set a theater kid record or something.”
“I know!” She groaned. “I’m probably the only one in the whole troupe who hasn’t kissed outside of theater yet!”
“I’m guessing I don’t cou-“
Hypatia quickly shook her head. “Theater kisses don’t count. Everyone know that theater kisses don’t count. Only real stuff counts.” She sharply exhaled. “And it’s not like I don’t want to! I wanna smooch girls so badly I just-“ the purple triangle threw her hands up in the air. “I’m apparently the only girl who likes girls in the whole damn school! And then you just waltz in telling me about your little accidental gay encounter! It’s just so damn frustrating!”
“I’m sorry.” He sighed.
She quickly got ahold of herself. “No. Don’t be sorry. You’re fine.” Hypatia sighed. “Now I know how my dad felt at his age.”
“You wanna uh- lie and said you kissed me?” Abbott awkwardly chuckled. “I’ll let Theano in on it.”
“You’d really do that for me?” Her eye started to water. “You’re so sweet, Abbott.”
“Aww. Don’t cry.” He gave her a big hug, she hugged him back tightly.
“You’re the best friend I could ever ask for.” She pulled away. “Welp. I’m going to brag to everyone about making out with you. See ya! Good luck with your little gay problem, tell me how it goes!” She said before walking away.
“Yeah…” he sighed. Fuck. What am I going to do?
—-
After rehearsals, Abbott quickly made his way to Theano’s locker. Thankfully, he didn’t have any scenes with Gavin this time. He couldn’t even look Gavin in the eye after what had happened between them. I can’t be gay! I can’t be gay! He thought to himself. Finally, he saw the yellow triangle standing at her locker. “Theano!” He ran up to her.
“Abbott?” She raised an eyebrow.
“Can I kiss you?!” He asked with a wild look of fear in his eyes. He wasn’t attracted to his current girlfriend. Did he even like girls?! The possibilities raced endlessly through his mind.
“Uhh-“ She raised an eyebrow. Of course, she was always willing to kiss him. But the timing just seemed really weird. Wasn’t he already in a relationship? Oh well. A kiss is a kiss. She thought to herself. “Yeah. Sure, Abbott.”
“Okay- thanks!” Abbott knew he kissed Theano a few weeks ago, right after he broke up with his last girlfriend. But he couldn’t quite recall the way he felt. Good, right? Oh damn it! How do I know if I like guys or girls?! Why do I have to pick just one and stick with it!? Fervently, he grabbed the yellow triangle and started kissing her passionately. She eagerly reciprocated, her eyes turning into a single mouth and her two tongues exploring the every corner of Abbott’s mouth. Perfect. It was absolutely perfect. He felt butterflies inside his stomach when he held her close. Just like when he held… Gavin. He quickly pulled away and sighed. “I think I might be gay, Theano.”
“What?!” The triangle looked at him, utterly flabbergasted. “That’s what this is about?! Why would you even think that?!”
“I uhh-“ He felt his mouth become dry. Theano was a fujosji- she could handle the truth! “I kissed a guy and I liked it just as much as I like kissing girls!” He groaned. “And now I don’t know if I should continue being straight, or I should just go gay!”
She let out a frustrated sigh. “You’re neither, moron. You’re bisexual.”
“A bye what now?”
“A bisexual! Someone who likes both men and women! You know- like my dads?!”
It was like a whole new world had opened up for Abbott. He didn't even realize that was a thing! His eyes widened with excitement. “That’s a thing?! Wow! This is great!” He exclaimed. “Now I don’t have to choose which gender I want to smooch! Thanks, Theano!” He set her back down and excitedly waved goodbye.
“Yeah.” The triangle groaned and crossed her arms as Abbott happily skipped away. “You’re welcome.” She went back to organizing her locker and sighed.
Hypatia showed up a couple minutes later. “Hey. Have you seen Abbott around recently?”
“Yeah. He kissed me to make sure he wasn’t gay. Turns out he’s bisexual.” She started writing something down on the dry erase board in the locker.
“Bisexual?” She scratched her chin. “Oh right! I forgot that was a thing. I wish I remembered that earlier.”
“Ugh”, the yellow triangle groaned. “And of course he’s still taking that one girl to prom! I don’t even have a date!”
“Well you’re still coming, right?”
Theano sighed. “I really don’t want to.”
“Oh, come on! You’ll have tons of fun! Maybe you’ll get lucky and find some other lonely guy to dance with! I hear that Ginson the Interdimensional Destroyer is single!” Hypatia wiggled her eyebrow. “I bet he’d love to have a dance with an equally crazy girl.”
“I don’t WANT Ginson!” She shut her locker so quickly that she nearly slammed it. “I want Abbott! Is that too much to ask?!”
“I don’t get why you’re so caught up on him. You two only dated for a day.”
“I don’t know why I’m so caught up on him either!” She groaned. “You don’t think I’ve tried to get over him?! I’ve kissed dozens of other guys, and I feel absolutely NOTHING! It’s like there’s something wrong with me! What’s wrong with me, Hypatia?!” Tears formed in her eyes. “His image lingers around me like a part of my soul that escaped my body and can’t get back in! Every night when I close my eyes, I hear his voice, then wake up disappointed that he’s nowhere to be seen! It lingers under my floorboards like a manifestation of my guilty conscience!”
“Theano… I know it’s rough but-“ She raised an eyebrow as Theano grabbed her journal out of her backpack and started writing something down. “Are you seriously writing down that monologue into your gay Star Trek fanfiction?”
“My teenage angst gives me so much writing material, Hypatia! It would be a crime not to turn it into art!” She started writing down her monologue furiously. “Oh. This is going to win an award at the Spirkies for sure!”
“I-“ Hypatia didn’t quite know how to respond to that. “I’m going home now. But please come to prom with me tomorrow. I really want to be there with my only sister.”
Theano sighed and closed her journal. “I’ll be there, Hypatia. For you and only you”.
The purple triangle hugged her tightly. “Thank you, Theano. That means the world to me.”
—-
That Saturday, Ford held out his camera and took a picture of the twins. “Alright. Let me take one more before you go out.”
“Haha! Thanks, dad!” Hypatia exclaimed and ran off. “I’m going to get my stuff, then I’ll be ready to go!”
Theano dejectedly sighed. “Dad… I don’t want to go to prom.”
Ford knelt down to face his daughter and sighed as well. “I know you don’t. I didn’t want to go either. But your sister needs you right now.”
She winced. “It’s just so stupid! It’s a dumb popularity contest and I don’t even have a date!”
“I know, pumpkin.” He looked upon her with soft, understanding eyes. “Believe me, I was so upset that I didn’t have a prom date when I was your age. I thought nobody would ever love me! I tried every trick in the book to get a girl to go with me.”
Oh right. The kissing robot thing. It definitely came to mind for her, but she wouldn’t dare to bring it up to her father. “It’s not just that! I hate all the loud noises and crowds!”
“I know you do. Our brains run on the same operating system, Theano. It’s hard being an introvert with an extroverted twin. Believe me, I know how you feel. Just remind yourself that it’s only a few hours. And then after that, you can lock yourself up in my lab to recharge for the rest of the night. Or if you’re not feeling completely drained, you can always watch Star Trek with your old man”. He slowly got back up to his feet, struggling a bit.
The bathroom door suddenly swung open. “I’m ready!” Hypatia shouted.
Theano sighed and walked over to the living room. “I’ll see how I feel afterwards.”
—-
Bill posed sassily for his pre-prom photoshoot at Kaitlin with a K’s house. The professional photographer took dozens of photos of everyone and their dates. Minus Bill’s, who was apparently too busy to pregame prom with him.
“Did you get enough photos of me?” Bill asked as he scrolled through the photos on Kaitlin with a K’s expensive digital camera.
“Ugh.” The elemental rolled her eye. “You’re lucky that we’re even letting you come to prom with us.”
“You’re lucky that I’ve put so much effort into pulling the strings to make your ugly ass the prom queen!” He floated up to eye-level with her and accusingly pointed a finger in her face.
“Oooooh”, Caitlin with a C and Kate-Lynn two words called out.
Bill glared at them. “Shut it, you two.” The triangle pointed accusingly at them with his finely-manicured nails. Then he turned around. “Now let’s roll. I like to make a flashy entrance.” He led the way to the interdimensional space limousine.
Kaitlin quickly walked over, trying to get in front of Bill, but Bill was faster and even more determined to lead the group. He flashed a mischievous look at Kaitlin before sliding into the seat in the very back of the limo and laying on his side so nobody else could fit there. He opened a bottle of champagne and poured himself a glass, then took a sip.
“Hey! Watch it, bitch! I’m the one who pops bottles around here!” Kaitlin with a K grabbed the bottle. Just as she started pouring a glass, Bill snapped his fingers and instantly removed any of the alcohol from it. He was determined to not let any of those assholes have fun.
Kaitlin with a K poured a glass for the rest of the girls. “This is going to be the best senior prom ever”, she giggled.
“Oh my gawd! I already feel myself getting wasted!” Caitlin with a C said, even though there was no alcohol in her system.
“Me too”, Kate-Lynn two words said.
After a few minutes, the limo stopped in front of the school and opened up. Kaitlin with a K shoved Bill out of the way, determined to be the first. Dejectedly, Bill walked over to the gymnasium with the other two girls.
Justin Averageboy walked over to Bill, wearing a backwards cap and shades with his tuxedo. “Wazzup, my home slice? You look absolutely stunning in that red dress!”
“And you look like a late-in-life lesbian who’s desperately trying to make up for lost time”, Bill replied rather bluntly. He heard Hypatia loudly cackle from somewhere in the distance.
“Totally rad, dude!” Justin gave a thumbs up. “Let’s dance to some totally X-TREME tunes and talk about who at this school sells quaaludes!” The 30 year-old man held his hand up for a high five and Bill reluctantly gave him one. He watched as the other girls met up with their prom dates, occasionally looking down at him to snicker. Dammit. Even when he was a bully, teenagers were rude to him! What was it about high school that turned everyone into such a big jerk?!
Suddenly, ‘Stay’ by Oingo Boingo began to play and everyone started slow dancing. Bill quickly grabbed Justin’s weird little weasel hands and held him close.
Justin lowered his eyes and smirked as he led the dance. “You’re a great dancer, Billina.”
“You are too”, he held Justin closer. “I’m so lucky that I found you, Justin. You’re a weird 30 year-old man in a sea of annoying teenagers.”
“I feel the same way”, he smiled warmly at him. “If only you were my wife. I’d kiss you a thousand times and hold you even closer.”
“And if only you were my husband”, Billina sighed. “He’s so much hotter than you are.” He saw a familiar figure out of the corner of his eye- Abbott. He couldn’t help but feel weird around the sphere, as he looked so much like his father. But he knew he was a good kid.
Theano noticed Abbott in the center of the dance floor wearing a violet cape lined with white fur. He held his girlfriend close, giving her a gentle kiss on the cheek as they danced. Theano watched in horror from the sidelines. Hypatia was out on the dance floor doing the Charleston with Alejandra. But of course, Theano wasn’t into that kind of stuff, so she quietly stood near the punch bowl. It was hard being alone like this. She couldn’t take it anymore. Abbott didn’t even like his girlfriend, why was he doing this?! Quickly, she ran to the bathroom, not wanting him to see her moment of weakness.
Justin chuckled and dipped Bill. “I still can’t believe I can dip you at my age.”
Bill rolled his eye. “You’re thirty. My husband is 50 and even he can do that.”
“That doesn’t count”, Justin playfully rolled his eyes. “You’re not even a tenth the size of him.”
“Well-“ Bill lost his train of thought as he saw Theano run into the bathroom. “Stay here. I have to piss!” He quickly ran to the bathroom. Once he was inside, he heard quiet sobbing from inside the handicap stall and slipped underneath. “Theano, sweetie?” He spotted her huddled up in the corner of the stall.
“Dad? What are you doing here?” This would’ve been totally weird if they were humans. But since they’re sexless geometric shapes who don’t wear any clothing, it was socially acceptable to do this.
“I came to see if you were okay.” He sighed. “Are you upset because you don’t have a prom date?”
“How do you know?” She sniffled, awkwardly averting her gaze.
“Because the exact same thing happened to me in high school”, he admitted.
Theano could definitely see that happening. According to what Ford had told her, Bill was a total loser in high school. Just like she was. “My life totally sucks right now!”
“Of course it does! You’re seventeen! Everything sucks right now! Everyone’s telling you what you can and can’t do! You have to ask to piss like some kind of 12th century English peasant! And most of your peers are assholes!” He groaned.
Theano hesitated for a moment. “You’ve been an asshole too, dad.”
He wanted to argue- but she was right. He was being an asshole right now. “You’re right.” He sighed. “I set out to help you, but I made things even worse. I guess I just got carried away and tried reliving my high school years. But now I’m sick of reliving it! It’s a nightmare! I’m the baddest bitch in the school, and I’m still miserable!” His voice softened and he gently patted her head. “Now I know why you’re an asshole too.”
“Yeah”, she sighed.
Bill grabbed some makeup wipes out of his purse. “Here.” He started wiping away her smeared mascara and reapplying it.
“Thanks, papa…”
“Always happy to help.” Dotingly, he added the finishing touches. “Now just give yourself a few minutes. You’re still shaking a little.”
—-
I can’t keep on doing this. Abbott thought to himself as he danced with The Concept of a Woman in the Form of a Cloud of Smoke. I don’t even like her. I don’t understand why I keep doing this to myself.
Suddenly, he remembered something.
—-
Abbott laid down on the couch with Theano, holding her tightly. A movie played in the background, but his focus was constantly shifting as he drifted in and out of contemplation. “I love Bill and Ted”, he happily sighed as he rested his head against her peak.
“And I love you too.” She sighed.
“What?” His eyes widened.
“Well yeah”, she nervously chuckled. “I just wanted to tell you that in case we die tomorrow. You feel the same way, right?”
“I uhh-“ He quickly got up. “Listen-“ Abbott scooted to the other side of the couch and neatly folded his hands in his lap. “We’re still really young. I don’t know if it’s a good idea to go this far.”
“Bullshit.” She scoffed. “You say ‘I love you’ to every girl you date after like- being with her for three days.”
“Well it’s easy to say when you’re lying!” He narrowed his eyes. “I’ve never said those three words to anyone sincerely!” He tightly gripped the fabric of the couch. “The only person who tells me that is my father. He only says it when he’s about to do something bad. As if it’s justification for his actions!”
“I-“ Theano didn’t realize that he had so much baggage. “I didn’t know, Abbott.”
Abbott sighed. “I just- I don’t know if I’m even capable of loving someone like that, you know? I just feel like everything in my life is for show. Like I’m an actor in a play. Whenever I’m out in public, I have to pretend that I’m in a loving family.” He averted his gaze as his eyes began to water. “I’m always hugging my mom and my dad with a big smile on my face as I wave to crowds of people. I think the closest thing I feel to love is ambivalence- towards my mom. But she’s nothing more than a glorified roommate who happens to be the person who gave birth to me.” Tears ran down his cheeks as he told her this. It was the first time that he had told anyone how he really felt.
“Well what about me?”
“You’re uhh-“ he winced. “My friend that I kiss sometimes?”
“That’s it?!” She looked up at him with tears in her eyes. They felt like two big brown knives that were piercing through his heart.
“Theano… Let’s not rush into things.” He stood up. “I don’t know how I feel. And that’s why I don’t want to tell you those three words. Because I care about you enough not to make up an answer.”
“Abbott…” She started sobbing.
“I’m sorry, Theano.” He knelt down and gently kissed her on the forehead. “Maybe things will change after my father dies. I’m just so… overwhelmed right now.”
“Alright…”
He hugged her tightly. “Just promise me that you won’t die tomorrow. I don’t want anything bad to happen to you.”
“I don’t want you to die either…” she grumbled.
“So we’re both in agreement.” He shot his portal gun into the ground. “See you tomorrow, dear friend.”
—
Abbott suddenly heard his girlfriend snapping her fingers in front of his face, and he quickly came back to reality.
“Hey.” She asked mid-dance. “Is everything okay? You seem out of it?”
“Oh yeah.” He nervously chuckled. “Just a bit tired. I think I just need to clear my head a bit. I’m just gonna…” He pulled away. “I’ll be right back.” Awkwardly fingergunning, he walked backwards until he reached the gym supply closet and quickly locked himself inside. He sharply exhaled and sat down. Suddenly, he saw a weasel in the dark shadows of the closet. Justin?!
“Yeah. I think I got a lead on who’s been selling Spice.”, Justin said into his cellphone. “Bill told me it’s that one fire elemental kid. Yeah. I’m not shocked either. He’s got sketchy written all over him- Hold on, Jerry…“ He quickly hung up and turned his head. “Abbott?! Ah. The son of the now-deceased international war criminal, Sir Sphere.” He smirked. “Staying out of trouble?”
He sighed. “Justin Averageboy, you’re clearly a middle-aged man. I need your advice.”
“What?! I’m clearly just an average boy! I’m not a man!” Suddenly, his expression softened when he saw the despair on Abbott’s face. He sighed. “Okay. You got me. I’m an interdimensional DEA agent. What’s wrong, kid?”
Abbott released a heavy sigh. “I don’t love my girlfriend, and I feel bad for lying to her. Also, I cheated on her with a guy.”
Justin let out a surprised whistle. “Wow! That’s messy! Let me guess. You’re a theater kid.”
“Is it really theater if there’s not behind-the-scenes cheating drama?” Abbott sighed.
“Nope.” Justin shook his head. “Believe me, kid! I had the same problem during a theater camp production of Hello Dolly! Back when I was your age.” He happily sighed. “I was dating a blonde bombshell named Rachael Goldberg as part of my method acting routine to see what it was like to date a girl that looked like Barbara Streisand.”
“Don’t tell me you fumbled the girl who looks like Barbara Streisand!” Abbott gasped. “ My friend, Theano, looks just like her!” He nervously chuckled. “Eheheheh… I don’t know why I just said that out loud. Okay maybe I said too much.”
“Alas, I fumbled the bad bitch!” The weasel dramatically raised his paw over his head. “Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun. And in my moment of hubris, my wings burned off and I tried gay in theater camp while I still had a girlfriend.”
“How did you break the news to her?”
“Well… I found it difficult to tell her in private. So naturally, I did it onstage… through song!” He enunciated with added emphasis.
“You’re right, Justin Averageboy! I need to make things right! You’re a hero!” He took a deep breath and opened the closet door.
“No problem, kid. Come back to me whenever you see a kid selling spice in the hallways.”
—-
Hypatia ran up to Bill and Theano as they walked out of the bathroom. “There you are, Theano! Are you alright? I couldn’t find you anywhere! I thought you vanished!”
“I’m fine”, Theano sighed. “Parties are just hard for me, ya know?”
“I’m so sorry for dragging you here. I just-“
The yellow triangle shook her head. “You’re fine. Come on. Let’s enjoy ourselves.” She took Hypatia’s hand and walked back to the dance floor with her.
Bill heard a familiar set of footsteps behind him. “There you are!” He looked up to see Kaitlin with a K. “The principal is about to crown the three prom queens!”
Bill crossed his arms, unamused. “Yeah. Wouldn’t want to miss you three getting your ill-gotten gains.”
Kaitlin with a K frowned. “What’s that supposed to mean?!”
“It means that none of you would’ve been crowned the prom queen if it wasn’t for me!” He pointed a finger accusingly in their face. “Because who would vote for some jerk to be their queen?!”
“You know, Alberto Fujimori was democratically elected”, Caitlin with a C pointed out.
Kate-Lynn two words raised an eyebrow. “Who?”
“Those who fail history are doomed to not repeat it, Kate-Lynn two words!” Bill shouted before turning around and storming off into the crowd of people dancing.
A few minutes later, the principal of the school walked up to the stage as Pump up the Jam by Technocratic began to play. “Attention, students! The winner of this year’s popularity contest- I mean- prom king and election will now be announced!” He held up an envelope. “This year’s prom queens are…” As he opened it, the whites of his eyes turned yellow. And his pupils narrowed into dark black slits. “Theano, Hypatia, and that one girl they always sit with at lunch. What’s her name again? The dolphin.”
The crowd murmured in confusion as they stared at the three girls. The twins and Alejandra were also pretty puzzled. Hypatia was the first to speak up. “Should we go up there?” She whispered. “I think it might be a trap.”
Theano sighed. “Well, the principal told us to come up. So we should do as we’re told.”
Alejandra nodded. “Who cares about the legitimacy of an election? All that matters is that we’re now recognized as the democratically elected monarchs of this school, and the UN can’t do a damn thing about it.”
The yellow triangle raised an eyebrow. “Allie. That’s not what a prom queen is.”
“Oh! Well excuse me for having hopes, dreams, and a vivid imagination! This is why I got accepted into Evil MIT and you two didn’t.” She marched onstage and the two triangles followed.
Hypatia grabbed the microphone from the principal before her friend could say anything stupid. “Thank you, principal. But I think this election was rigged.”
“What! That’s crazy!” The principal nervously laughed. “You three deserve the title more than anyone!” He put a prom queen sash on each of the girls.
“Mr. Principal, don’t be ridiculous.” She narrowed her eye. “You might think you’re doing us a favor, but you’re really not. I never wanted to be popular! All that I ever wanted was to be accepted for who I am. So I’m not going to live a lie anymore! I am not the prom queen!” She ripped off her sash. “In fact, nobody is the prom queen this year. Because it’s a stupid tradition! Why do we even do it? It’s just a shitty popularity contest that’s rigged in the favor of the children of high-paying donors! We already have that in the real world. It’s called a presidential election! Can’t we all just be kids?! I say instead of crowning a prom king and queen, we all decide who our least favorite teacher is and throw paint on them! That’s way more fun!”
“Oh, sweetie…” Tears welled up in the principal’s eyes. “You’re growing up to be just like me, and I couldn’t be prouder.”
The kids in the crowd gave one another strange looks.
“Don’t break character!” The purple triangle said in a harsh whisper. She leaned back into the mic. “I know that’s a lot, but I just gotta be true to myself, guys!”
The music in the background suddenly stopped. “And I need to be true to myself too!” Abbott shouted as I’m Coming Out by Diana Ross began to play. “Ladies, gentlemen, and those who lieth in-between!” He said in a dramatic tone as he walked onstage.
“Oh dear lord”, Hypatia murmured as the crowd went silent.
“I’m afraid that I haven’t been truthful to my fellow students!” He grabbed the extra microphone off the stand. “The other day, I made out with a guy, and I liked it just as much as I do when I make out with girls!”
“Eww!” One of Abbott’s ex girlfriends said. “What the fuck, Abbott?” Another one asked.
“I’m bisexual!” A confetti cannon went off behind him. He held up a handmade sign. “Also, I’m sorry for cheating on you, The concept of a girl in the form of a cloud of smoke.”
“It’s okay, I’ve been cheating on you too. With Gavin.” His now-ex murmured.
“Okay. Fair.” He shrugged. “Anyway! If any dudes want to dance with me, please let me know!” He looked around and realized that most of the students were looking at him with a mix of disgust and bewilderment. “Hmm.” He quickly walked offstage in embarrassment and went over to the punch bowl to grab himself a drink. Why the hell did I just do that?! He thought to himself. I really thought people would think it’s cool that I’m bisexual. My dad was clearly bi in retrospect, and everyone wanted him! People continued to stare at him. Interestingly, nobody else went up to the punch bowl. They all congregated to the other parts of the gym.
Theano walked over to the punch bowl and tapped him on the shoulder. “Hey.”
“Hey…” he chuckled awkwardly, nearly flinching at her touch.
“I think it was pretty brave of you to come out like that. I certainly could never have done it.”
“Yeah.” He sharply exhaled. “I dunno-“
“Hey guys! Don’t drink out of the punch bowl! You might get AIDS!” A kid shouted from the other side of the gym.
Abbott looked back over at Theano. “Do you ever do a bunch of dumb shit that you look back on and regret?” Truly Madly Deeply by Savage Garden began to play.
She sighed as she noticed a few theater kids start to re-occupy the part of the gym where the punch table was at. “I think being a teenager is just 6 long years of doing just that.”
“Yeah.” He sighed as well, then extended his hand. “Do you wanna dance?”
“Sure.” The two walked a few feet away from the table and started slow dancing.
“I hope we get to do this at our college homecoming in two years too”, he murmured to himself.
“What was that?” She looked up at him, wondering what he meant by that.
“Oh, nothing.” He held her closer. “Let’s just enjoy the present, Theano.”
Bill sighed as he sat at the top of the bleachers and watched his children have the time of their lives.
“Hey”, he heard a familiar voice next to him. But when he looked around, he didn’t see anyone near him. “Sixer?”
Ford parted his invisibility cloak a few inches to reveal his eyes, then quickly shut it. “I was just making sure you weren’t terrorizing the kids.”
He rolled his eye. “I’m not that bad. These days, I only terrorize children to teach them lessons.”
“That’s personal growth, I suppose.” He sighed as he watched Hypatia mix a bunch of random punch flavors in a single cup and chug it in one go while Alejandra cheered her on. “I can’t believe we used to be that young and miserable.”
“Good thing we’re old and miserable!” He chuckled and playfully elbowed Ford. “You know, I think we did a good job raising the next generation though.”
“I agree.”
“You know, this reminds me of how Roy Cohn’s mom watched her son for all of summer camp.”
Ford let out an annoyed sigh. “We are nothing like Roy Cohn’s mother. Don’t even compare me to her.”
His muse said nothing and rested his head on Ford’s leg.
“Shteyt a bokher, un er trakht”, he sang in a soft, gentle whisper as he stroked Bill’s head. “Trakht un trakht a gantse nakht.”
“Are you seriously referencing that one play Hypatia is doing?” The triangle chuckled, amused.
“Vemen tzu nemen un nit farshemen…” His voice trailed off. “How do you know it’s a reference?”
“She’s turned you into a theater kid. Sometimes I feel like our kids are the ones raising us.”
“I think it’s a good arrangement”, Ford smirked under his cloak. “I have a reason to wake up at a reasonable time every morning. I smile a little more. Plus, I’m still a remarkable scientist. Even if I have some catching up to do. I recently published a paper on the anatomy of satyrs in the Greek Mythology Dimension, and my peers are very impressed with my findings!”
“That’s good to hear, Sixer. I recently discovered the maximum amount of mayonnaise you can put inside of a cake before people start to suspect that the cake contains mayonnaise.”
“You also bore me two wonderful children. And you manage to keep the house halfway clean.”
Bill yawned. “We’ve lived a good life, I think.”
“You act like we’re on the brink of death. The Oracle says we still have 40 years left.”
“Yeah, yeah. I’m taking it one day at a time”, the triangle groaned as he closed his eye. “Goodnight, Fordsie.”
He picked up Bill and carried him back home. “Goodnight, my muse.”