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Megumi never really had a choice in his life. Everything was chosen for him, so maybe that's why he was never able to make a difference, a real one. Everything he's done has been to protect the one person who's made him feel wanted and needed.
But she's gone now. And all that's left are the remnants of his feelings and a life that he doesn't want to live anymore.
He's only lived for one person, and he's lost her so how can he keep on living for himself?
So, when a hand is offered to him, he can't bring himself to take it. Because what's the point?
Yuuji's still alive. That's a good thing. He's glad to see that. Yuuji, who's so much stronger than him, will go on and make a difference. He will kill Sukuna and change the world. Megumi won't get in the way of that.
"Wake up, Fushiguro!"
Well, there's just one problem. Yuuji doesn't know. He's still trying to pull Megumi out of the abyss, and if he keeps going, then Megumi is afraid that Yuuji will fall in with him.
Megumi is tired. So, so tired.
"That's enough."
And he means it.
He doesn't know what to do, so he shows Yuuji. He shows him how everything he ever longed for will always be out of his reach. Even if he does change the world, it will never bring her back. That's why...
"I've had enough."
Please, he hopes his message is getting through.
Please, let me rest. Please, don't cry for me. Please, don't miss me. Please, go on. I'm not worth your pain.
He's tired.
And maybe it's selfish. Maybe he's being a coward. But it's just so hard. It's hard to live a life where the only thing he ever wanted is gone. So, he doesn't.
"I've had enough," he says again.
This is not a cry for help. This is not a call to action. This is just Megumi, saying what he's been too afraid to say.
This is what he wants.
What he doesn't expect is Yuuji to understand. He's prepared to beg if he has to. He's prepared to say anything and everything so that he can rest. But, no. Yuuji's eyes are soft. Understanding. He doesn't try to talk him out of it. He doesn't tell him to be strong. He doesn't lie and say it will get better.
No. He doesn't try to convince Megumi to live.
He talks about his grandpa, and his choice to refuse treatment for his cancer. He talks about how euthanasia always felt foreign, something he would never have understood. Until now.
Yuuji's smile is sad and broken, but there is no pity in his eyes. Only understanding.
"And that's why, I can't tell you to keep living," he says quietly.
There is no shame in this. There is no shame in letting go. In wanting the pain to stop. In giving up.
But...
"I'll be lonely without you, Fushiguro."
The words are said so softly. They are filled with unshed tears and an unfathomable sadness. But it is not pity. Not even close. They are speaking to another Megumi, one that's more innocent, more hopeful. One that believed he could make a difference. One that didn't want to die.
Megumi is finally, finally given a choice.
Yuuji, the only person left that Megumi cares for, is giving him complete autonomy over his own life. He won't try to convince him to keep living. But, he's telling Megumi that his life would be a little less brighter without him.
And, somehow, that's enough.
Yuuji's not begging or trying to manipulate him. He's not lying and saying that everything will get better. Because, honestly, it might not.
All he's doing is acknowledging that he would miss Megumi. If he died, that is.
But, for the first time in a while, Megumi isn't sure.
"Just once more... I think I wanna try living for someone else."
-
The rest of the fight if a blur. Everything hurts. He's struggling against Sukuna from the inside, doing his best to help Yuuji win.
When he manages to make a shadow puddle, sinking Sukuna's foot into the ground, Yuuji smiles. It's a small smile, but it's one of the brightest Megumi has ever seen. Yuuji's never looked at him with such gratitude. It makes him want to try harder, to fight longer. To stay.
And then, Sukuna's soul is hit with Resonance, and Megumi's heart skips a beat because that can only mean one thing-
Sukuna's inner monologue seems to confirm his suspicions. Kugisaki is alive. She's not dead.
She's not dead.
And then, Yuuji, fuelled by hope and love and so many other things, fights Sukuna.
And he wins.
-
It's strange. Being alive.
Megumi's not entirely sure he knows what to do. He's not even sure he knows how to feel. He's numb and empty, and just, there. He's alive, yes, but...
He's not quite sure how he's supposed to go on.
But then he catches Yuuji and Kugisaki trying to pull a prank on him, and he rolls his eyes and gives a half-hearted glare, Yuuji laughs, bright and loud, and Megumi feels some of the tightness in his chest unravel.
He still doesn't know how he's going to make it through this, but, for now, he'll just keep pretending.
-
The days drag on. He still feels empty. The numbness still hasn't left him.
The first time he looks into a mirror and sees the scars on his face, he almost throws up. They are the shape of Sukuna's eyes, mocking him, taunting him, reminding him of how easily he'd been toyed with. How quickly he'd given up.
It takes everything he has not to shatter the mirror and never look at his reflection again.
He's tired. He's tired of living. He's tired of hurting.
"Fushiguro?"
He jumps at the voice.
Yuuji's looking at him. Concerned. He's been doing that a lot recently.
"You okay?"
Megumi doesn't want him to worry, so he nods. It's a lie.
Yuuji frowns, his eyebrows furrowed.
"What are you thinking about?"
Yuuji had saved him. He'd gone above and beyond for him.
So, Megumi can't tell him. He can't tell him that he still feels so tired, so exhausted. That he wants to sleep forever and never wake up. He can't tell him that the sight of his own face sends shivers down his spine. That the idea of being alive is suffocating.
He can't tell him because he's afraid. Afraid of disappointing him. Of hurting him. Of being left alone.
So, he does his best to act like the Megumi Yuuji knew. The Megumi that hadn't given up.
"It's nothing. I'm just tired."
He hopes it's believable.
-
Not every second is painful.
Some days are actually pretty nice. Kugisaki is still as brash as ever, and sometimes her insults make him laugh. Sometimes, her energy is so contagious that Megumi forgets to feel numb. Sometimes, Yuuji looks at him, and Megumi's heart does this little thing where it beats just a little bit faster and it makes him feel... Alive.
And then there are the bad days.
The worst thing about the bad days is that he can't allow anyone to know.
The days where the emptiness swallows him whole. Where he can't move. Where it feels like his body is made of lead. The days where the thought of being alive is overwhelming.
Those are the days where he has to act the most normal. Because, if they find out...
Yuuji is the reason he's here. Yuuji is the reason he's not six feet under. If he finds out that Megumi still thinks about it...
Then, what was the point?
It's not that he wants to die. It's just, he's not sure if he wants to live, either. It's too hard. Everything is so hard. And, most of the time, he feels numb.
Numb is worse than sadness, because he can't feel anything. There are no tears. There's no anger. There's no happiness. There's nothing.
The emptiness is swallowing him whole.
-
"Fushiguro..."
His blood turns to ice.
They're supposed to be watching a movie, the three of them, but Kugisaki is asleep. Which leaves Yuuji's attention focused on him. And currently, it's not a good thing.
Megumi didn't realize he was scratching at his wrist. Just where Sukuna's tattoos had been. His nails had torn the skin, and small, crimson beads of blood were slowly leaking out.
Megumi's heart races, and his mouth goes dry. He hadn't realized he was doing it.
"Uh... Fushiguro?" Yuuji asks.
"I'm okay."
It's a lie. It's a lie. It's a lie.
"It's just, you're bleeding..."
Megumi's mouth is dry. Yuuji looks worried. Like, really worried.
He's not sure what to say.
"It's fine," he repeats. "Just got lost in thought."
It's an excuse. And a shitty one at that. People don't usually claw off their own skin just from thinking.
"Fushiguro..." Yuuji says. He doesn't say anything after, but his tone tells Megumi everything.
"What?" Megumi asks, a little too defensively.
Yuuji sighs. "I know we haven't really talked about what happened. And, that, we've just been kind of... moving forward. But, I've noticed some things. And, well, you know I'm not the brightest, but I'm also not an idiot."
Megumi's blood runs cold. He can't have this conversation. Not now.
"Itadori, I'm fine," Megumi says, his tone clipped.
Yuuji's eyes narrow. "No, you're not."
"Yes, I am," Megumi insists.
"No, you're not!" Yuuji yells.
Megumi is taken aback by the volume, and even Kugisaki shifts a little.
"You're not fine. I've noticed things, Fushiguro. You barely eat. You flinch when someone touches your shoulder. Your eyes are so lifeless sometimes. Only when you think I'm not looking, of course. You're not sleeping. And you're hurting yourself. You're not fine, Fushiguro. And if you were, we wouldn't be having this conversation. But, the fact is, we are. So, stop lying to me. Please, Fushiguro. You were the one who told me that lying won't fix anything."
Megumi can't breathe. He's choking on the air in his lungs.
"So, I'm gonna ask you one more time, and I want the truth. Are you okay, Fushiguro?"
The truth? What is the truth? Is it that he doesn't know what to do? That he doesn't know what he wants? That he's terrified of living and terrified of dying, and he's just so confused? That, all the time, he's just, tired. So, so tired. That he feels like he's suffocating. That he hates looking at his own reflection.
That the thought of dying used to terrify him. That the idea of death had made him sick. But now, he can't bring himself to care.
"I'm sorry," he says.
"What for?" Yuuji asks, his tone confused.
"For disappointing you," Megumi whispers.
"What? You're not-"
"You fought him. For me. You fought him and you won. And now, here I am. And you're wasting your time on me."
Yuuji's eyebrows scrunch together.
"Fushiguro..."
"You did so much. I don't want to disappoint you."
"Disappoint me?" Yuuji's eyes widen, and the look he gives him is something Megumi's never seen. It's almost hurt. "Fushiguro, you're not- how could you think that? I'm so fucking proud of you for making it this far. And you haven't disappointed me, not once. I don't know what kind of bullshit is going through your head, but none of it is true. You're not a burden, you're not a waste, and you're definitely not disappointing. Do you hear me? I'm proud of you. For keeping on, despite everything."
Megumi can't take it. It's too much. He feels like he's being pulled in so many different directions, and the tension is unbearable.
"I don't want to feel like this anymore," he admits.
Yuuji's gaze softens, and Megumi can't meet his eyes.
"I know," Yuuji says.
"I hate feeling like this. But I'm just so tired. I don't know what to do."
"Well, the first step is to talk about it. I'd be really happy if you could do that, Fushiguro. For me. Will you?"
"What do you want to know?"
"Why did you decide not to... give up?"
"I wanted to," Megumi admits. "But then, you said you would be lonely without me. And, somehow, that was enough. The thought of being alive is exhausting, but, I guess... I guess I want to live. For you."
Yuuji is quiet, so Megumi continues.
"But, some days are just... so hard. Sometimes, it's like everything is grey. Nothing has any color, and nothing has any meaning. It's so tiring. And, it's not fair to you. I've told myself that over and over. But, it's just hard. I can't pretend that I'm happy. Some days, I can't even pretend that I'm okay."
He looks at Yuuji, and is surprised by what he sees.
"Are you crying?" Megumi asks, bewildered.
"Huh? No!" Yuuji replies, rubbing at his eyes furiously.
Megumi feels his cheeks flush. "Uh, yeah. I just, um. Thanks. For listening."
"Of course," Yuuji says. "Always. I'll always listen to you, Fushiguro."
-
Sometimes, Megumi still catches himself scratching his wrists.
The skin is sensitive. The scars are red and raised, and sometimes, it still bleeds.
One night, when they are sitting in his room, and he's watching Yuuji play some stupid game, Megumi accidentally digs a little too deep.
"Fushiguro, you're doing it again."
Yuuji's voice is quiet.
"Oh."
"Fushiguro, look at me," Yuuji says, softly.
Megumi complies.
"Is it okay if I touch you?"
Megumi nods.
He doesn't really know why. He's not used to physical contact, but Yuuji is. He's not sure what to expect.
Yuuji grabs his wrist gently, wiping away the blood with his thumb. It's a slow, soft motion. He takes a tissue from the box on his bedside table, and begins wiping the rest away.
It's such a tender moment. So gentle and innocent.
Megumi wonders if Yuuji knows how his touch burns.
Once the bleeding has stopped, Yuuji grabs his other hand, the one he used to scratch himself with. He laces their fingers together, and Megumi can't help but stare.
Yuuji's hands are large and calloused, but so much warmer than his. Yuuji's hands are warm.
His eyes meet Yuuji's, and his heart does this little thing again. This little, fluttery thing. It makes his chest tighten, and he can't really understand why.
"Fushiguro," Yuuji says.
"What?"
"When you feel like it's too much, you can hold my hand."
Megumi raises an eyebrow, and Yuuji looks away, a blush creeping up his neck.
"You know, if you're not ready to tell me. You can use it as a sign that you need help. That you need a distraction. Or, or if you need to be grounded."
"What if I do it because I just want to?" Megumi blurts.
Yuuji's eyes widen, and then, he smiles. A smile so bright that Megumi feels it in his chest.
"Yeah," Yuuji agrees. "We can do that, too."
-
It doesn't take long for Megumi to realize that bathroom-related tasks are the hardest.
Washing his hair, looking in the mirror, even just looking down on his naked body and seeing the dark marks where Sukuna's second set of arms and extra mouth had once been. The memories come flooding back.
Every time he takes off his shirt, the first thing he sees are the scars. He tries to shower in the dark, but sometimes that's just worse. Because, catching a glimpse of his own reflection in the darkness, the marks are even more jarring, and he has to stop and remember to breathe.
Avoiding mirrors is not so hard for a while, but, he's sixteen, and sometimes he needs to shave. He tries putting it off for as long as possible, but eventually, it becomes a necessity.
He ends up violently shaking and nearly collapses in the bathroom. He almost drops the razor, and his hands won't stop trembling. He can't do this. He can't.
"Fushiguro? What's wrong?"
He turns around, and there's Yuuji, staring at him, his eyes concerned.
Megumi's first instinct is to lie. To say that nothing is wrong. That he's just tired. But, Yuuji had asked him not to.
"I don't think I can do it."
"Do what?" Yuuji asks, gently.
"Shave."
Yuuji is quiet, and then, the realization washes over his face. Megumi feels ashamed.
"Oh."
"It's stupid, but..."
"No, it's not," Yuuji says. "I used to- well, I had a hard time with mirrors after Sukuna. I still do, sometimes. It's hard, especially when you can't even look at yourself without thinking about everything that happened."
Megumi nods, because the words are lodged in his throat, and he can't speak.
"I'll help you," Yuuji offers. "If you want."
"What?"
"Let me help you."
"Itadori, you don't have to. It's stupid. It's- I'm not a child. I can handle shaving. It's just-"
Yuuji doesn't wait for him to finish. Instead, he walks over to the sink and takes the razor from his trembling hands. Then, he gently laces their fingers together, and pulls him towards the bathtub. He sits him down, and sits across from him.
"Itadori, I can shave my own face. I just, I just freaked out for a second, that's all. It's nothing. I'll be fine."
Yuuji is staring at him, and he can't handle the intensity. It's like Yuuji can see right through him. Like he's reading his every thought.
"Fushiguro," he says quietly. "I'm not saying I will do this every day. Just, let me do it today. We can work on the other stuff together. One step at a time, okay?"
He should protest. He should say no. He's not weak. He's not pathetic. He can do this. He can-
He's exhausted. He's so, so tired.
"Okay."
He hates the way his voice cracks, but Yuuji smiles.
"Okay."
It's just a single word, but Megumi feels like the world has been lifted from his shoulders.
Yuuji is there. Yuuji is with him. He won't be alone.
Yuuji walks back to the sink and takes the shaving cream, before coming back to sit across from him.
He pours some on his hand, and rubs them together.
"Tilt your head back."
Megumi does as he's told, and Yuuji begins rubbing the cream on his face. Megumi shivers slightly, and closes his eyes.
"There," Yuuji says.
He takes the razor, and gently tilts his head up. He begins sliding the blade against his skin. The motions are slow and calculated, and Megumi tries not to think about the way his heart is beating.
"This feels weird," Megumi whispers.
"Hmm?"
"Like, trusting someone with a blade to my face."
"Oh," Yuuji replies, chuckling a little. "Well, it's okay. I've got you. I won't cut you."
And he doesn't. He works slowly, making sure every patch of stubble is gone, before wiping the excess cream off his face.
"There," he says. "Done."
He puts the razor and cream on the ground, and leans against the wall, staring at him.
"You good?"
"Yeah," Megumi says, because the word is stuck in his throat, and he can't say anything else.
He looks up, and Megumi can't really describe the emotion he's feeling.
"Thank you," he says.
Yuuji shakes his head, a soft smile on his face.
"Anytime, Fushiguro."
-
The first time he willingly asks for help is after waking up drenched in sweat, a scream dying on his lips.
"Itadori?"
It's so stupid. He's so stupid. Yuuji has his own issues. His own trauma. His own nightmares. His own-
"I'm here."
The sound comes from the other side of the wall, and, for once, Megumi is grateful for the paper-thin walls.
"It was just a nightmare."
"I know. Can I come in?"
"Yes," Megumi says. "Please."
The door slides open, and Yuuji is there, staring at him. He looks at him for a moment, before he moves forward and takes a seat beside him.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Yuuji asks.
Megumi thinks for a moment, before shaking his head.
"I'd rather not. Not right now."
Yuuji nods.
"Wanna go for a walk? I know it's late, but-"
"Yes," Megumi answers. "I would like that."
Yuuji takes his hand and pulls him up.
The air is cold, and Megumi is glad for the jacket. He feels Yuuji's hand reach into his own pocket, and lace their fingers together, and it feels natural. It feels like they've done this before, like they've always done this.
Megumi tries not to read too much into it.
He's not sure what they're doing. They're just two kids, wandering aimlessly, walking through the night, hand in hand. It feels good, not pretending. Not trying to act normal.
He knows he should say something, but he's not sure what.
"Do you think this is what normal people do?" Yuuji asks suddenly.
"Normal people?"
"Like, teenagers. Do you think they're out there, holding hands, taking nighttime walks?"
"I wouldn't know," Megumi admits.
"Yeah," Yuuji says. "Neither would I. But I like this. I like being here. With you."
"Is this weird?" Megumi asks, his voice barely above a whisper. "Us. Are we weird?"
"Why would it be weird?"
"Because we're two teenage boys. Who are holding hands and taking walks at three in the morning. Is that not strange?"
"I guess," Yuuji says, and his tone is almost playful. "But, we're also two teenage boys who've had multiple near-death experiences. I think it's normal, by our standards."
"By our standards? And what are those?"
"I dunno," Yuuji admits, laughing. "We're pretty messed up, I guess. But, that's okay."
Megumi wants to protest, to deny it, but Yuuji's hands tighten around his own.
"It's okay to be messed up. We're both a little fucked up, but, maybe that's what makes us work."
Megumi looks at him then. At his face. His stupid, boyish smile. His chest does that thing again. It does this fluttery, funny thing. It does it whenever Yuuji is around. Megumi wonders if Yuuji's ever felt like this.
"Hey, Itadori."
"Hmm?"
"Have you ever been in love?"
The question surprises them both. Megumi is not sure why he said it. Why he asked. Why he's connecting the dots between the strange emotions he's been feeling and what love feels like.
Yuuji turns his head to look at him, his eyes wide.
"Huh? I'm not sure. Maybe?"
Megumi can feel his heart thumping, and the world is moving slowly. It's just the two of them. It's like the universe is telling him something. Telling him that this is the moment. The moment he's supposed to figure it out.
"Why do you ask?"
Megumi stops walking, and so does Yuuji.
"Sometimes, I wonder. How people can know they're in love. It's just a feeling, isn't it?"
Yuuji looks away, and Megumi's heart is racing.
"It's kind of complicated, I guess," Yuuji answers. "It's a lot of things. Sometimes, you're just drawn to someone. Like, you just know that you're supposed to be together. Other times, it's a choice. It's a conscious decision. And, sometimes, it's not a decision at all."
"A decision?" Megumi asks.
"Yeah. Like, you just realize that they're the only person you want. The only one who makes you happy."
Megumi's cheeks feel hot.
"So, yeah. I'm not sure if I'm in love, but, maybe. Maybe I am."
Yuuji says it so casually. So nonchalantly. It's not a confession, and yet, it's somehow still everything Megumi has ever wanted.
"Yeah," Megumi says, breathless.
"How about you, Fushiguro? Have you ever been in love?"
Yuuji's staring at him now, his eyes soft. Megumi can feel his cheeks burning.
"Yeah," he whispers.
"Good."
"Good?"
"Yeah," Yuuji agrees. "Because I want to say something, but if it's not reciprocated, then it might be weird."
"Itadori, are you confessing to me?"
Yuuji lets out a shaky laugh.
"Yeah," he says. "Yeah, I think I am."
-
The next day, Megumi has a panic attack.
They're all at lunch. Kugisaki is rambling on about something, and he can hear the others, but their voices are muffled. He can't focus. Everything is moving in slow motion, and his head feels like it's about to explode.
He's not even sure what triggered it. Maybe it's the fact that he caught a glimpse of his own reflection, and the scars were suddenly overwhelming. Or, maybe, it was just too much, having to act normal in front of everyone. Having to pretend that he's not breaking apart at the seams.
"Fushiguro? Fushiguro, are you okay?"
It's Yuuji, of course. Yuuji's hand is on his arm, and it burns. He's too close. It's too much.
"Fushiguro, hey, it's me. Can you breathe?"
He can't. He can't fucking breathe. His head feels like it's floating, and everything is spinning. He can't. He can't-
"Breathe, Fushiguro. Please. I'm here. I've got you."
I've got you.
"You're okay, I promise. Just, breathe."
His voice is gentle, and Megumi is vaguely aware of the fact that he's holding his hand, and his thumb is moving back and forth in soothing motions.
"Fushiguro," Kugisaki says. "Can you hear me?"
He can, but he can't speak. All he can do is nod.
"I've got him," Yuuji whispers, and Kugisaki nods. "Can you grab a glass of water, please?"
Megumi doesn't have to open his eyes to know that she's nodding, or that she's heading towards the cafeteria, to get the drink.
"Breathe, Fushiguro. I've got you. I'm going to talk you through this, okay? Just listen."
Yuuji's voice is soft. Soothing. It's gentle, and warm, and Megumi can hear his heart racing.
"Do you remember the day when we first cooked together?"
Megumi remembers.
"You had no idea how to make meatballs. It was funny, because I thought, of all the people, you would know. Cause, out of the three of us, you were always the most mature."
Megumi wants to say, that's not true. He's not mature. He's never been mature. He's a fucking child, and-
"But, I guess it was kind of cute, because I knew you were trying so hard. To cook. To learn how to do it. To hang out with us. I think it's what I love most about you. How you're so determined to keep going. You're the strongest person I've ever met."
I'm not strong, Megumi wants to say. You're strong. You're so strong, and-
"You're the strongest person I've ever met. Even now. It's not your fault, what happened. We'll get through this, and I promise, we'll do it together. You, me and Kugisaki. So, will you open your eyes, please? Please, Fushiguro."
I don't deserve you, he thinks. You're too good.
But, he opens his eyes, and there's Yuuji. He's there. He's smiling, and Megumi's heart is pounding, and it's beating so hard, it feels like it's going to explode.
"There you are," Yuuji whispers. "Welcome back."
Kugisaki is there, holding a glass of water.
"Drink," she orders, and her tone is lacking its usual bite.
"You okay?" she asks, after he's finished the drink.
He can feel his throat drying.
"Not really."
"Yeah," she says, nodding. "Yeah, I didn't think so. But, that's okay. We've got you, right, Itadori?"
Megumi is overwhelmed by the sudden surge of affection for the both of them. He's not used to this, being cared for. He's not used to the way Yuuji looks at him, like he's the most important thing in the world.
"Right," Yuuji agrees.
Megumi's heart does the funny thing again.
"I've got you."
-
Nothing really changes after their late-night confession.
They still sleep in separate rooms. They still train, and spend time with the second-years, and Kugisaki. They eat meals together, and watch movies, and go out on missions, and the only thing different is that their hands are always touching.
They're always holding hands, whether it's during a movie, or when they're walking back to their dorms, or sitting next to each other in the common room.
The touches are soft and gentle, and Megumi loves them. No one really questions it either, at least not to their faces.
They're not hiding anything. There's nothing to hide. They're two best friends, who are a little bit more than best friends, and they don't have a name for what they are. They don't have a label, because they don't need one.
It's easy.
Except, Megumi can't sleep.
He hasn't been sleeping. He lies awake, staring at the ceiling, and when his eyes do eventually close, the nightmares come. They're violent and cruel, and there's so much blood, and Megumi is choking.
He tries not to scream.
But he does.
And he does.
And he does.
Megumi has been a vessel for so long. He's been a puppet, a shadow, a plaything. It was a little more than one month, but to him, it had felt like a lifetime. He'd given up everything. Everything.
So, why is it that, when he finally has control, he can't breathe?
"Hey," Yuuji says one night, pulling him from his thoughts. "What are you thinking about?"
"Huh? Nothing. Just... thinking."
Yuuji laughs, and it's such a sweet sound, it makes Megumi's heart race.
"Thinking, huh? About what?"
Megumi can hear the smile in his voice.
"You."
He's not sure why he's telling the truth. Maybe it's because the darkness makes him bold, or maybe it's because he knows that Yuuji will understand.
"Me, huh?"
"Yeah," Megumi whispers. "You."
"Is that a good thing?"
Megumi doesn't answer, so Yuuji continues.
"What do you want, Fushiguro?"
"You," Megumi answers, his voice cracking. "I just want you."
"You've got me."
Yuuji says it so simply, so matter-of-factly, like it's the easiest thing in the world, to say those words, like they're not the hardest, most complicated, and the scariest, words, to say.
"Then," Megumi starts, and his voice is shaky, "then, will you stay with me? Please?"
It's the first time Megumi has ever asked.
"Yes."
Yuuji doesn't hesitate, not for a second.
"Of course, Fushiguro."
It's not even a question. Of course, Yuuji will stay. He'll stay as long as Megumi needs him.
Megumi wonders, for the first time in his life, if he can really allow himself to want this. To want Yuuji. To want someone who's willing to stay. Someone who loves him.
Maybe, just maybe, it's okay to want things.
"Okay," Yuuji says softly. "Let's get ready for bed."
Yuuji is the one who leads him, and Megumi follows. He takes his hand and guides him to his bed, and they lie down, side by side.
Yuuji wraps his arms around him and holds him. He holds him like he's something precious, something worth saving, and Megumi wants to cry, but he doesn't.
He's not sure when it happened, but he's lying on his side, staring into Yuuji's eyes, and his arms are still wrapped around him.
He can't help himself. He can't stop. He reaches forward, and he presses his lips against Yuuji's.
It's soft, and tentative, and it's just a kiss, but it's his first. It's his first kiss, and Yuuji is kissing him back, and it feels like a dream.
"Sorry," he whispers, and his cheeks are burning. "I'm sorry."
"Why are you sorry?" Yuuji asks. "For kissing me? Because, I don't mind. I like it. I like kissing you."
Megumi wants to protest. He wants to say, I've never kissed anyone before, but Yuuji's words catch him off-guard, and it's so hard, being vulnerable, being honest, but Megumi is trying.
"No one's ever kissed me before," Megumi admits. "And I've never kissed anyone, and I wasn't sure if it was okay. If I could kiss you."
"Fushiguro," Yuuji whispers, his tone soft and gentle. "You can kiss me whenever you want. You can kiss me, and touch me, and hold my hand, and I will kiss you back. Every single time. Because, I want you, and you want me, and there's no reason for us not to have this."
"Yeah?" Megumi asks, his voice shaky.
"Yeah."
Megumi's not sure what to say, so he kisses him again. This time, it's a little more intense. It's a little bit more desperate, and Yuuji is the one who's breathless.
"I've never kissed anyone before either," he says, his voice barely above a whisper.
Megumi smiles, and it's the first time in a while, but the expression is real, and it's genuine, and he feels it.
"We can figure it out, right? We can learn."
Yuuji's smiling too, and it's a sight that Megumi will never forget.
"Right."
-
It becomes a habit, after that night.
They start to share a bed. They start to hold each other, and it's easier, falling asleep, knowing that Yuuji is there, that he's holding him, and that he's not going anywhere.
But Yuuji draws some lines.
"No," he says, when Megumi tries to kiss him.
"Why not?" Megumi asks, frowning.
"Because you're upset. I don't want to kiss you when you're upset. I don't want you to associate feeling better with kissing me. It's not fair. Not to you, or me."
Megumi understands, but that doesn't mean he's happy about it.
"What am I supposed to do?"
"You can hold my hand. Or, I can hold you, if that's what you want."
"Why won't you kiss me, though? I like kissing you. It makes me feel better."
Yuuji's expression changes, and Megumi can see the moment he realizes something.
"I know. But, it's not the same. If we kiss when you're feeling bad, or sad, or like you can't breathe, then, the only way to make it stop, is to kiss. It's not healthy. I want you to be able to feel those feelings, and deal with them. Not just bury them."
Megumi stares at him, and there are a million words in his head, a million ways to tell Yuuji that he's right. That he's so fucking right, but Megumi doesn't say a word.
Instead, he reaches for his hand, and Yuuji squeezes his fingers gently.
"I want you to learn how to live for yourself," Yuuji whispers, "not for someone else."
-
The next time Megumi has a panic attack, Yuuji isn't there.
He's on a mission, and Kugisaki is asleep, and there's no one to catch him. No one to hold him, and no one to talk him through the pain. Megumi's first instinct is to call Yuuji.
But, he doesn't.
Instead, he goes to his room, and he locks the door, and he lies on his bed. He pulls his knees up to his chest, and he rocks back and forth.
He lets himself sob. He lets himself cry, and he does, and he does, and he does, until there are no more tears. Then, he breathes, and he does it again, and again, and again. He imagines Yuuji's voice, and he tells him that it's okay. That everything is okay, and Megumi knows that he's not crazy, or stupid.
Yuuji has told him, time and time again, that he's allowed to have this. He's allowed to grieve.
He's allowed to grieve, and he's allowed to heal, and he's allowed to cry, and be sad, and angry, and confused. He's allowed to want, and to feel, and to have.
He's allowed to be human.
So, when his breathing returns to normal, and the panic has faded, Megumi gets out of bed, and he washes his face. He feels proud.
He's not okay, but he's getting there.
-
A month passes, and then another, and Megumi doesn't really know where the time goes.
Before he knows it, the days are long, and the nights are dark, and they're not as cold as they used to be. The weather is getting warmer, and Megumi feels himself waking up earlier, and spending more time outside.
He still has nightmares, but they're not as violent.
They're not as harsh, or violent, or cruel.
Yuuji is still there, holding his hand, and Megumi is learning.
He's learning that there's a lot more to life than just surviving. He's learning that, yes, there's a lot of bad, and there's a lot of pain, and it's not always worth it, but there's also good. There's a lot of good, and if you can find that, then, the pain doesn't seem quite so bad.
"How are you?" Yuuji asks.
"Better," he answers, and it's the truth.
He's not great. But, he's better.
He's getting better.