Chapter Text
Satsuma hadn’t texted Sebastian back in over a week. Given that Robin had recently finished construction on her barn and coop, there was plenty of reason to assume that she was just busy. It wouldn’t have been the first time that she dropped off at the start of a new season.
The thing was, normally after a few days she found the time to tell him that was what was going on.
It didn’t feel right. Sebastian was aware that his judgment on normalcy was skewed sometimes. However, to his knowledge, she’d been having a rough time since the middle of September. Worrying about her sudden disappearance didn’t seem unfounded, at least, that’s what he told himself. Everyone was on edge though. The new Joja representative seemed to have that effect on people. Not that he’d seen her since she came by to introduce herself, but he could tell by Abby’s moods alone that it wasn’t exactly going well. If Abby was that irritated by her presence, then Pierre had to be a thousand times worse.
Sebastian checked the clock and decided to stop dragging his feet. If he didn’t go check on Satsuma before going to the saloon like usual, he was just going to spiral the entire time. So, he pulled on his hoodie and double checked that he’d put his new pack in the pocket before heading out. It was early for his one cigarette of the day but his nerves felt like exposed wires, so he’d just have to cope later. He was finished with it just as he hit the last stair down to Satsuma’s property and stopped short when he caught sight of her.
Satsuma was wearing a maroon pea coat and a knit beanie; she was holding a bucket full of hay in one hand. It was a bit chilly out, but Sebastian didn’t find it cold enough for his full winter attire, though he was often warmer than everyone around him. Still, she looked…skittish maybe? He didn’t know how to describe it. It wasn’t the usual exhaustion he’d become so used to, she just looked smaller. Instead of distracting her, he took up a spot on the porch steps to wait.
A few minutes before Clementine came to join him, but Satsuma did not come with her. While Clem took up residence on his lap, Sebastian checked the time on his phone. He wasn’t an expert on animal care by any means, but it seemed like it was taking longer than it should. Sebastian was about to get up when he heard the barn door slide shut and Satsuma came shuffling around the corner.
The movement looked wrong. Ever since he’d stayed over he noticed Satsuma’s confidence when she worked. It was something he’d come to admire about her, she knew what she was doing and she was well aware of that fact. Even more notable than the shuffling though was how spaced out she seemed, like she didn’t notice he was there at all. Which turned out to be exactly what was happening.
Satsuma got within a few feet of him and yelped, flinching a full step back and bringing a hand to her chest. “Shit Sebastian, you scared me.” Now that she was so close to him, he could see that her eyes were bloodshot and there was dark bruising underneath them. Clementine jumped off his lap and leaned heavily against Satsuma’s leg.
“I’m sorry,” he said as he stood. Satsuma took another step back and that was significantly more alarming. “Sats, are you okay? I haven’t seen you since Spirits Eve so I figured I’d stop by.” Satsuma made eye contact for a single second before her eyes flickered away again. He had no idea what was going on, but he didn’t like it. When she didn’t answer, he repeated, “Sats?”
She shook her head like she was clearing a particularly stubborn fog. “Sorry. I’m fine, really. Just…getting used to Sinensis and Naranja. I—the calves.”
Sebastian stared at her. She’d never lied to his face so blatantly before. Which told him that something had definitely happened. It also told him that she wasn’t even slightly willing to open up about it.
“That seems like it would be something to be excited about.” he tried. If he could coax enough information to put together some pieces, maybe he could help. Satsuma kept staring at her feet, absently scratching at her forearm through the thick sleeve of her coat. “Satsuma?”
“It is,” she replied, though her tone said anything but. “I’m sorry Sebastian. I’m a little busy right now. Can we talk later?” She didn’t shove past him, but it was difficult to tell if that was because she didn’t want to or because she was afraid to. Despite every fiber of his being screaming that he shouldn’t, Sebastian stepped aside. He valued that she trusted him, he didn’t want to ruin that now by refusing to let her pass.
Satsuma kept a considerable distance between them as she walked past and then she shut the door without another word. Sebastian had no idea how they got here, but he knew he had to get off her porch and reset his brain before he walked into the saloon. If only because Sam was still pestering him about the crush thing. Sam wanted to know all the details all the time despite there being none. If he thought something was wrong there was no way he’d let it drop. So, Sebastian broke his streak and lit another cigarette.
Sebastian was still early by a wide margin, but it was better than going home. He ordered a hard cider from Gus and retreated to the back room to kill time until Abby and Sam showed up. It mostly led to him ruminating than anything.
“So, for practice tomorrow I was thinking we could start working on some songwriting?” Sam said by way of greeting thirty minutes later. “Do either of you have any ideas?”
“I have a couple things brewing,” Abby replied. Sebastian shook his head.
“Hopefully we can get those creative juices flowing then.” Sam winked and Sebastian rolled his eyes, but his heart wasn’t in it. Abby and Sam continued chatting around him while Sebastian tried to box up his concerns for another time. It still took less than ten minutes to beat Sam, even distracted as he was.
“Hey, you’re getting better,” he said, biting back the sarcasm still sitting on the tip of his tongue. It was important to celebrate improvement, even if that improvement was minuscule.
“Yesss!” Sam said, pumping his fist in the air. “I’m getting this close to beating you.”
Sebastian snorted. “I’ll believe it when I see it.”
“Rude. It could happen,” Sam pouted. Sebastian didn’t reward the optimism with a response, instead he reset the table. Abby swapped out with Sam after she got bored of trying to beat the same level in Journey of the Pirate King that she’d been stuck on for weeks.
“So, on a scale of 1 to 10, what is the likelihood that you’ll let me win?” she asked.
“Hmm.” Sebastian tapped his chin as if he was actually thinking about it. “A high 1.” Abigail smacked his arm and swiped the cue ball to break.
When he won a solid thirty minutes later, Abby groaned dramatically and spun around to squish her cheek into Sam’s shoulder. Sam emphatically patted her back. The display made Sebastian chuckle and it was a relief. One that was quickly ripped out of his lungs when he caught a shock of platinum blonde hair out of the corner of his eye and turned to see the Joja rep—whose name escaped him—walking past with her hand intertwined in Satsuma’s.
Sebastian froze, a spark crackling in his chest. After their interaction this morning, he didn’t expect to see her out. Honestly, he was having trouble making it make sense. She’d maintained that she was fine, as unbelievable as it was, and now the words just sounded like an old tape rewinding in the back of his head. Worse still, the only time Satsuma had mentioned anything about Joja, she was coming down from the worst panic attack he’d ever seen. Yet there she was.
It suddenly felt like there were dozens of eyes on his back. Analyzing him, crawling under his skin in hopes of carving out a piece to take with them. He knew nobody was looking at him. Even if they were, the sensation felt like more people than were physically present in the entire saloon. It didn’t make it feel any better.
Sam and Abby leaned over to follow his line of sight.
“Is that Angel?” Sam whispered, his face scrunching as if the question tasted bad.
“It would appear so,” Abigail sneered.
Sam turned to Sebastian. “What is she doing with Satsuma?”
Sebastian didn’t respond, he was stuck watching the two as they sat down. In every way that he could tell, Angel seemed perfectly content, happy even, despite sticking out amongst the usual patrons. Sebastian stared at Satsuma, looking for any indication that the fear spinning in his stomach like a broken record wasn’t a reflection of reality. The only thing he could latch onto was that her rotating wardrobe of well-worn jeans, t-shirts, and cardigans had been replaced with an entirely business casual outfit and it didn’t feel right. But it wasn’t enough to truly warrant his concern and he knew it.
Angel reached for her hand and Satsuma recoiled minutely. So much so that Sebastian blinked, wondering for all the world if he was just imagining things to make himself feel better. Satsuma was turned away from him so he couldn’t see her expression, and the movement was so small. The longer he looked the more it appeared like nothing was amiss. Angel’s expression hadn’t changed, nor did she try to touch Satsuma again.
For a moment, he felt like he was in Zee, desperately trying to put together a puzzle when all of the pieces were actively hidden from him. A hand waved in front of his face and his jolted.
“Come in Sebastian? You there?” Sam said.
“Sorry,” he muttered.
Sam glanced between him and where Satsuma was sitting, then patted him on the shoulder. “Do you want to get out of here?” he murmured.
Sebastian hesitated. He didn’t trust himself nor the situation, but that left him at a loss for what to do. So he nodded. Sam and Abigail exchanged a look before they came to stand on either side of him. They all headed for the door, and as hard as it was, Sebastian didn’t turn to see if Satsuma noticed. If nothing else, he didn’t want to make her life harder. It still felt gross.
“Are you alright dude?" Sam asked once they were outside.
Sebastian nodded. “I’m fine. It’s probably nothing.” Sam raised an eyebrow, but he didn’t press.
“Do you want us to walk back with you?” Abby asked.
“Yeah, we could hang out for a bit longer, play a board game or something?” Sam added.
Sebastian shook his head. “I’m alright, I promise. I think I just need to catch up on some sleep.”
Abigail narrowed her eyes at him. “If you’re sure.” She sounded like she didn’t believe him in the slightest. He couldn’t blame her, he was lying so poorly he couldn’t even hide from himself.
Satsuma
All Satsuma wanted to do was sleep. That was all she’d wanted to do for the last week. Maybe if she slept, she would wake up from the nightmare she was stuck in. It never happened. She knew better. Whatever she’d been living for the last eight months was the dream, not where she was now.
Since their run-in at the Community Center, Angel had only stopped by once, yesterday evening to inform her about dinner tonight. Which was why Satsuma was standing in front of her closet now, if she had to guess. Now that she thought about it, since last night most of her memory was hazy. She knew she’d done her chores for the day because she could smell the hay on her clothes and Clementine wasn’t pressing her for a meal. She also knew she’d spoken to Sebastian at some point, but not when that was or what she’d said.
She would just have to hope she could make it through the evening better than she was surviving the day. She used to do it before, she had to believe she could do it again. As if summoned by the very thought, there was an unfamiliar knock on the door and Satsuma flinched. She glanced down, realized that she still wasn’t dressed, and swallowed before going to answer it. Clementine chirped at her on the way, it almost sounded worried.
“I’ll be okay Clem. I can handle her.” God, she was lying to a cat. She was trying so hard to believe it herself too.
As she opened the door, Clementine disappeared into the bedroom, much to Satsuma’s relief. Angel was as put together as usual, not a sign of frizz in her hair, nor a blur in her mascara, or even a wrinkle on her blazer. It was nearly enough to be believable, like she wouldn’t be willing to hurt her. Like she could care, if she tried.
“You’re not ready yet?” Angel huffed. The fantasy of kindness disappeared behind her sneer. “Hurry up, it’s been a long day and I need to eat.”
Satsuma didn’t realize she’d moved until she was already leaning down to get an outfit from the box of discarded clothes in her closet. It was better than ruining what was left of her tiny wardrobe for herself, but she still hated that Angel had so much control over her. She pulled out a pair of black slacks, and a blue-marbled long sleeve blouse. It would cover the faded scratches and bruises well enough. Nobody needed to know about them. If anyone were to ask question about it, there was no telling how Angel would react.
When she returned to the living room, Angel was studying one of her bookshelves with an unimpressed expression, her attention easily shifted back to Satsuma though. Without so much as a thought, Angel came and grabbed Satsuma’s hand. She pulled away instinctively but Angel didn’t budge. Instead, her already strong grip only got tighter and Satsuma’s bones creaked.
“Don’t be like that Satsi,” she said, false sweetness only betrayed by the anger hiding behind her eyes. As much as Satsuma wished it would, her mind didn’t recede somewhere Angel couldn’t follow. There was nowhere to hide, the past was standing right in front of her.
The walk to the Stardrop was uncomfortably quiet. Satsuma was used to Sebastian walking with her, their conversations were easy, their silence safe. Now that it wasn’t him, the lack of noise was painfully loud. It also had the added side-effect of making the time stretch on for what felt like hours. There was nothing for Satsuma to focus on except for the pressure Angel put on her fingers. The fracture in her wrist that healed nearly a year ago felt like it was cracking all over again.
Things only got worse. Because it was Friday, the Stardrop was crowded like usual and with their hands intertwined there was no telling what the rest of town would think. It took everything Satsuma had to regulate her breathing so she didn’t spiral into a panic attack immediately. If she visibly lost it, the night wouldn’t end well for whoever witnessed it. Angel would blame her, or them, for ruining her image.
Satsuma glanced into the back room as they passed by. Like they were every Friday, Sebastian, Sam, and Abigail were playing pool and laughing. Her heart sank. Sebastian checked on her that morning. He cared so much and when she finally read the messages she’d been avoiding, it was obvious how worried he was. There was no way for him to know what was going on, for any of them to know. It was her own fault for not trusting him with it. It didn’t matter that the decision had little to do with trust at all.
She looked away before she burst into tears.
Angel took the seat that faced the door, leaving Satsuma with her back to the room. It felt like glares were burrowing into her spine, but she focused on the menu instead of turning to check over her shoulder to see if the feeling was real.
“So, this farm of yours,” Angel said. She leaned over the table and put her hand on top of Satsuma’s. Once again, she flinched, but this time she actually got out of her reach.
“What about it?” Satsuma replied, keeping her eyes down.
“What’s so amazing about it that you abandoned us? The money can’t be all that good.” Satsuma glanced at her, the smirk on Angel’s face made her blood simmer beneath the surface.
“What do you want to eat?” she asked instead of answering. Angel’s nostrils flared, but she huffed and picked up her menu.
Less than ten seconds later she sighed. “None of this looks appetizing.”
“Gus is well known around here for making good food.”
“That’s not saying much. I mean, have you looked at this town? It’s not like there a lot of competition.”
Satsuma bit her tongue to keep quiet. It wouldn’t matter to Gus if she defended him, it wasn’t like he was going to hear her. The risk wasn’t worth the price.
When Gus eventually came around to top everyone off and take their order, Satsuma waited for Angel to talk. It took longer than necessary and it was obvious she was drawing it out for the drama of it all.
“I’ll have a dark and stormy, and a personal cheese pizza.” Gus nodded and turned to Satsuma.
“My usual please,” she said with a smile that she knew didn’t reach her eyes. As he retreated, the air between her and Angel got heavier. There was no way for this evening to end well for her. She just didn’t know how bad it was going to go yet.
“You didn’t answer my question,” Angel said. She was toeing the line between neutrality and anger; it was obvious from the muscle jumping in her jaw.
“It’s just quieter,” Satsuma muttered.
“That’s it? You left the amazing position that Joja gave you, your entire life, because it was quiet?”
Satsuma dug her nails into her wrist under the table. “What do you want me to say Angel? You wanted me to stop ruining your reputation and now I have. Doesn’t that make you happy?” She hunched in on herself, feeling all the fragile pieces of her life that she’d glued back together shatter apart again. As if the glue had only ever been masking tape.
“Ugh, you always have to be so self-righteous, don’t you?” Angel sneered, then muttered something else under her breath that Satsuma didn’t care to hear. She just wanted this night to be over. Some part of her hoped that Sebastian or Abby or Sam would notice something was going on and come over, help her make an excuse to leave. The rest of her wanted them to stay far far away. If Angel didn’t see them, she wouldn’t know to set her sights on them.
Of course that was when footsteps sounded behind her and Satsuma jumped, though she suppressed it as quickly as she could. She couldn’t keep from looking over her shoulder though and seeing all of her friends sandwiched together made something new crack in her chest. They seemed happy enough, Abby leaning forward to smack Sam for something and him cackling in response. But she stared at Sebastian. Her one chance at anyone caring enough to help. There and then gone. It was like he didn’t even notice she was there, like none of them did. It was safer that way and she knew it, but it hurt all the same.
Gus returned with their food and Angel’s drink, breaking her away from staring at the closed door. He didn’t say a word as he set down their plates and walked away. Satsuma picked up her fork and shoved spaghetti into her mouth to avoid talking. Angel on the other hand, turned up her nose at what was in front of her, as if Gus handed her a dead rat on a plate.
Satsuma swallowed her bite and muttered, “you’ll never know unless you try it.”
“You seemed to.”
“What does that even mean Angel?” Satsuma snapped. Angel’s eye twitched, one of many signs that her control on her temper was waning. Everything about her expression screamed that she believed Satsuma was trying to challenge her. “It’s just food,” she sighed.
“See, I don’t think it is Satsi.” Her cruel smile was audible, like jagged glass she wanted to break off just to stab her with. “When did you find him, huh? On one of those long nights that you were ‘stuck at work’? He’s exactly your taste, washed up junkie with the haircut to match. Did he convince you that the country would be amazing and you were stupid enough to fall for it? Better yet, does he know about me? That pesky girlfriend you left behind?”
Satsuma blinked. This was the Angel she knew; it was only a matter of time until she returned in all her jealous glory. Her heart rattled against her ribs. Angel sneered and pinned her free hand to the table underneath crushing pressure. It was the most subtle display of power possible in such a public setting.
“Well? Does he? Or did you hide that too, like you hid the fact that you were only with me to further your job?” Angel hissed.
“What? I wasn’t—” Angel curled harder, the bones in Satsuma’s fingers shifting underneath her grip.
“You’re such a liar. He’ll find out soon enough, you know. Nobody will love you like I do. They will never understand that you are nothing without me. You never have been.”
“Say whatever you want about me, but keep my friends out of this,” Satsuma growled. She was spineless in all the ways that mattered, but she wasn’t going to let Angel take anyone else down with her. Angel didn’t deserve to even be in the same town, let alone pretend that she knew anything about them.
Angel could destroy her if she wanted, Satsuma was only ever a good target anyway. But Sebastian had nothing to do with it. There was a light in his eyes that he was keeping hidden, protected. He deserved better than any of this. Of that she was certain.
Angel’s answering smile was all teeth. “Oh Satsuma, you’ve forgotten the most important rule. You don’t get to tell me what to do.” She wrenched her up, surprisingly left money on the table for Gus, and then dragged Satsuma outside.
The wind howled across the rooftops, the square completely devoid of people. Angel didn’t take her very far before she yanked Satsuma closer to her, only to let go and curl her hand into her hair. Angel pulled down so Satsuma was forced to crane her neck and look her in the eye.
“Do you think I’m fucking stupid, Satsi? That I didn’t realize your little stunt was all a ploy to fuck me over? After I worked so hard to get this promotion, you nearly blew it all up, and for what? Some boy toy that looks like you’d find him dead in a ditch on the side of the road? And now, you have the balls to try and boss me around? No no sweetie. That’s not how this works.”
Angel pulled Satsuma’s head back farther, keeping her neck presented where she could easily tear it out with her teeth. Angel’s breath smelled like rum. Satsuma’s scalp stung with the intensity of her grip.
“Do you remember what I told you? After the holiday party?”
Satsuma did with all too much clarity. That night had been her breaking point. It was why she finally ran as far away as possible. A shine sparked in Angel’s eye, like she could see the memory coming up from the depths of Satsuma’s mind.
“I knew you would. You did this to yourself. Don’t forget it.”
Angel wrenched her hand free with a sickening tearing noise, turned on her heel, and walked back into the saloon like she owned it. Satsuma didn’t move for a long moment. Her eyes caught on the clump of pitch-black hair blowing away along with blades of dead grass in the wind.
It took every last scrap of her self-preservation instinct to stumble home. The entire time she muffled sobs with her hands and tried to stop hyperventilating even though it didn’t work. Her legs shook and threatened to buckle with every step she took but she couldn’t stop until she’d returned home and slammed the door shut. She shoved a kitchen chair under the knob. Only then did her legs finally give out and she collapsed into a heap on the floor.
Satsuma hated bars. She hated the noise and the sticky floors. Hated the heat and her braid sticking to the back of her neck. Hated how many people didn’t understand personal space. Yet here she was, at another happy hour because Angel insisted she couldn’t stay home alone again. Where Angel was now? Satsuma didn’t know. In all honesty she wouldn’t have cared but Angel had the car key and it would piss her off if Satsuma just walked home without saying anything.
She sipped on her water and leaned over the pool table to test if she could make a trick shot she’d been trying to figure out for more than three awful bar gatherings now. The balls clacked into each other and one nearly made it into the pocket but hit the edge just enough to bounce away. Satsuma groaned.
Suddenly there was a roar of laughter from the corner table where most of their coworkers were getting much too drunk for a work event. She looked up to see at least three, maybe four of them looking at her. It made her skin crawl, but she just averted her gaze and tried to ignore them. Most of the people there were Angel’s outreach friends, all Satsuma needed to do was not make a mockery of herself and it would be fine.
Someone bumped into her. Again. Except…no that wasn’t an accident. There were hands pressed against her hip, heavier than someone stumbling to catch their balance. Hot breath rolled across her neck and right next to her ear. Satsuma froze.
“Hey baby, you wanna get out of here? I’m tired.” The man slurred heavily, leaning most of his weight on her.
Satsuma pushed back with her shoulder and ducked away from him when he stumbled back. Her heart was pounding hard enough to feel like a pulsing drum beat vibrating through her skin. The moment she faced him, his eyes went wide and he put up both hands in an apologetic gesture.
“I’m so sorry, I thought you were someone else.”
It was actually the nicest anyone had ever been about harassing her before. Out of the corner of her eye, Satsuma saw someone from another table stand up and start towards them. So she simply nodded in acknowledgment. Shortly after, his partner reached them and took his arm. They waved their own apology at Satsuma before gently pulling him away.
She didn’t realize it until it was over, but her grip on her pool cue was tight enough to make her fingers ache. That was enough for her. Whether Angel came with or not, Satsuma was going home. As she turned to put her cue back though she met Angel’s burning glare.
As calmly as she was able, Satsuma collected the billiard balls and brought them back to the bartender, who returned her ID. And she waited. Ten seconds. Twenty. Then Angel appeared beside her, slipping her hand into Satsuma’s and squeezing hard enough to pop her knuckles.
The smile on her face was nothing but sharp edges. “You ready to go babe?”
Satsuma swallowed, then nodded. Angel all but dragged her outside and down the sidewalk. She was far ahead of Satsuma, but her grip was ironclad, so she had to jog to keep her shoulder from stretching painfully. It would’ve felt safer if Angel was yelling. Instead, she was dangerously silent and that terrified Satsuma significantly more.
“Angel, do you want me to drive?” she tried.
“No. I do not.” Angel grit out. It was subtle, but Satsuma heard the slur in her words.
When they reached the parking lot, Angel shoved her towards the passenger door. In the little time she was afforded, Satsuma hauled herself into the car and clicked her seatbelt in place. It was the best and only defense she had.
The car roared to life. Angel did not put on her seatbelt and the wheels squealed as she peeled out of the lot.
“Angel—”
“You’re such a fucking whore. I mean honestly. In front of the entire department?” Angel growled.
“What? I wasn’t doing anything.”
Speaking was a mistake; she knew better but she never seemed to learn. Angel reached across the console without looking and yanked Satsuma towards her by the braid. The car drifted into the other lane for half a second and she bit her tongue halfway to keep quiet, halfway on accident.
“You know, it’s a shame you’re so pretty. It makes it all too easy for you to find some piece of trash who wants to fuck you. I truly wouldn’t mind if you would just have some goddamn class about it.”
Angel turned her wrist, further winding Satsuma’s braid in her hand, keeping her head pulled down to an awkward angle. The car swerved into a pot hole and Satsuma’s teeth clacked together, digging a chunk out of her cheek. Her mouth filled with the metallic tang of blood.
“What? Nothing to say in your own defense? Fucking typical.”
All at once, Angel blew through a red light, ripped her hand free, and shoved Satsuma towards the passenger side window. She raised her arm to shield her head from hitting the glass just in time. The car swung around a sharp corner and while Angel continued to fume, Satsuma just pressed herself into her seat and tried to curl into as small a ball as possible. Her braid unwound, hair cascading around her shoulders in a shroud, as they continued speeding down the road. There was nothing worth saying anyway, the best she could do was stay out of the way and hope they didn’t crash.
The next morning, all the account reports that Satsuma had from the events department were gone. She swore she’d put them on the table before they left yesterday, but no matter where she searched, they were nowhere to be found.
Angel just shrugged when she asked.
Satsuma had to stay late at work for the next week and remake the analysis her boss had requested.