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“When I grow up I wanna marry Thoma!”
Young Ayaka tugged at the blonde’s sleeves, a bright smile on her yet chubby face. The boy grinned, but it was a little out of place. Still, he laughed. Though he looked apologetic when he heard Lady Ayako chuckle.
“Do you even know what it would mean to marry?”, the mother said, her movement elegant as she fanned fresh air into her face.
“It means that he would love me and always take care of me and we get to wear fancy clothes like you and father and I will be a beautiful and happy bride.”
Obviously, young Ayaka did not know at all what marriage truly meant, especially not considering her reputation.
Thoma knew that she would marry, but never him. And so did Ayako, recognizable in her sad smile, her sigh at Ayaka’s foolish reply and because of how she looked at the blonde boy as if she had to apologize.
Thoma, however, was fine. He shrugged it off, and he and the Lady of the Kamisato Clan let the girl fantasize. Ayaka just sat down on her mother’s lap, tugging at Thoma’s clothes who stood nearby and babbling happy affirmations and risky plans for her future.
None of them noticed Ayato eavesdropping.
None of them noticed the way he clenched his fists in jealousy at the scene.
They let Ayaka dream - of course they would.
But if he, male heir of the Kamisato Clan, would demand the same?
They would scold him, crush his dreams, break them down to nothing but cruel, cold reality. Just like one would kill a mosquito with a single slap, Ayato’s dreams were killed the time they were born. So he abandoned them, in the darkest corner of his heart, his very soul. With his dreams, he buried his feelings, his desires. It was hard to let go of them, but he had to. For his country’s sake, for his family’s sake. For Ayaka’s sake. For these, he was ready to even sacrifice his humanity.
*******
Thoma had just fallen asleep on his light futon as the door got pulled open, the padding of bare feet on tatami filling the silence.
“Come stargazing”, Ayato demanded. Thoma grumbled while he sat up. He looked at the pale silhouette, moonlight painting his skin white, flowing silk made him seem like a ghost. His light blue hair shimmered almost ethereally - he was more of a mystic creature like this, than a young boy who was just on the verge of reaching adulthood.
“It is the middle of the night, my Lord…”, the retainer managed to say, getting back on his feet. He didn’t notice how Ayato’s eyes were glued to him. His bare chest, abdomen, his arms as muscles worked under sunkissed skin as he put on one of his black shirts. “You should sleep by now. Or at least wear something proper if you insist on going outside.”
“Are you scolding me?” Ayato crossed his arms, an eyebrow raised. Taking over his father’s duty, living through the suffering of losing his parents - the young heir handled it professionally, playing over his pain with smug self-confidence. Coping sadness by letting the power he now held come to show. “If that is the case, I hereby remind you that I am the one in charge. But… if you’re concerned I might freeze, I take your jacket.”
Thoma sighed, but handed over his red jacket without complaint. Ayato took it with a thin smile, and just moments later they were sitting in the grass, backs leant against a sakura tree, eyes fixed on the stars. It didn’t take long until Ayato nudged closer, resting his head against the housekeeper’s shoulder. Of course the Lord was soon cold, and Thoma wrapped his arms around him for a warm hug. They just looked at the sky for a couple of moments, until Ayato suddenly raised his voice.
“Are you going to marry Ayaka?”
Thoma was confused at the outburst. He failed to understand the tone of the man’s voice.
“Why do you ask?”, he replied, a light hum escaping his lips as he shifted his chin that was pressed against pastel blue hair.
“Do you want to marry her?” Ayato continued investigating, head heavy on Thoma’s shoulder.
“Even if. It wouldn’t happen. Her reputation, her status. My heritage, the way the people look at outlanders. It’s simply not suitable.” Thoma spoke a little reluctantly. Ayato figured it was because Thoma wanted to, but found the odds overwhelming and gave up on the thought.
“My parents have passed”, the heir retorted, almost a little fast, harsh. As if he had to underline the follow-up. “I am now the one to make decisions. Including the decision when and who Ayaka will marry.”
“What are you implying, my Lord?” The blonde sounded insecure, shy.
Ayato hesitated for a moment, but then he tilted his head to look at the blonde from the side. “Right now is not a good time, the clan lacks stability. But… one day, Ayaka has to marry. You’re half Inazuman, that serves the condition. Additionally, you are the only one I trust with my life.” He waited a second before he continued. “She always wanted it. I encourage the thought. Hence I trust you more than any man and we’re talking about my sister’s fortune: if she is going to marry, I want it to be you.”
Thoma’s eyes widened in surprise. The heir felt his heart dropping when he heard his retainer’s beating faster. Maybe things would have ended up different if Ayato had known it was only because of surprise, nervousness.
“If this is what you want me to do, then I will make your sister the happiest girl in the entire world”, he said, squeezing Ayato’s body a bit.
“Good”, the heir said, but he wasn’t smiling.
It was not what he wished. He always used to be greedy about this. He always wanted Thoma to be his. But he knew he couldn’t have that. Keep him in his family, make him Ayaka’s husband - it was the closest he could hold him, and the best way to keep him in his life forever, even if it meant he couldn’t have him for himself.
*******
The wedding was the hardest part.
Ayaka looked stunning, Thoma like a ray of sunshine.
They were the perfect couple, her tiny body fitting perfectly into his strong arms. People cheered them, greeted them, gave them flowers and wrapped up packages. Other clan members and some men didn’t cheer. Either because of Thoma, or because they wanted Ayaka, the place as her groom for themselves.
Ayato’s smile was plastic. Beautiful, content, constantly so. But it was fake. He did not want this to happen. His jealousy killed him slowly from the inside, staining him with horrifying thoughts about his sister he did not want to have. He was glad enough his voice didn’t fail him during his speech. He was glad no one got suspicious, that no one managed to pierce through the facade, that no one realized how unsatisfied he was. Yet, he noted the Lady Guuji’s gazes, something told him the pink-haired kitsune knew he was uneasy. Even if so, the woman didn’t say anything. For some reason, it hurt Ayato that apparently the shrine maiden was able to look past his mask, but neither Ayaka, nor Thoma could. Maybe they figured - but none did express it. It made him even more upset.
Oh greedy, selfish Ayato.
He punished himself with a bowl of sake in solitude, watching the people celebrating, Ayaka and Thoma dancing playfully. When Ayaka’s tiny hands reached up to cup the ex-retainer’s neck, raised on the tips of her toes to kiss him, smiling widely - her brother wanted to throw up. He hated himself for it.
“If one knows you, one could almost say you do not like it that your retainer marries your dear sister, Lord Commissioner.” He heard Yae Miko’s voice, as the tall woman sat down next to him. Ayato tilted his head, smiling at her. He was glad something distracted him from the scene.
“Then you do not know me, Yae”, he answered, taking a sip from his bowl. Yae smirked, a hand against her chin.
“Oh? So you do not mind it at all?”
Ayato slightly shook his head. “No, of course not. On the contrary - I trust him more than any man. Besides, he will never harm her, I know that for sure.”
“But if that’s the case, what’s with that face?” Yae almost looked concerned - probably by accident, though - and Ayato was somewhat relieved that at least someone seemed to care about his opinion.
“I’m perfectly fine, Yae. I just do not feel like celebrating during times like these.”
The pink-haired Lady didn’t seem convinced. Yet she hummed a little in agreement. Both continued to watch the couple from a distance. After a while, the Lady chuckled.
“Oh~ maybe it’s that you’re not happy about your sister marrying the retainer”, she wondered out, teasing. “Want him for yourself, mhm?”
Ayato nearly choked on his sake, but for some reason he believed that was all Yae had to observe to jump to conclusions.
“No such thing”, he lied. Plain, simple, hurried. “And even if, the inappropriateness of it would make it impossible per se.”
Yae remained silent for a while. The playfulness vanished from her smile and maybe it was the sake he had to blame, but maybe there was even a slight frown on the woman’s face. “When exactly did you start lying to me?”, she made it sound like a reproach, and the fact that Ayato averted her gaze, wasn’t able to face her directly made her bold. “Oh, stupid Ayato. Now I get it. You suggested she should marry him because you can’t marry him, am I correct?”
Ayato narrowed his eyebrows, staring into the sake in his bowl, the surface awkwardly smooth compared to the way his hands shivered. The sleeves of his clothes did their best to hide the trembling and the glow of the hydro vision at his belt. “How did you know?” he asked, admitting as regret reached out for his heart with cold claws.
“I’m very tempted to say that I just know it because I am good with people.” She stretched the sentence, leaning back in a self-satisfactory manner. “But it’s no coincidence that I come to this conclusion. I believe that most people in this room are aware of the simple truth that you are not.”
“What simple truth could that be?” he muttered nearly, crossing his legs, wrist flicking as if he was bored. He hated to continue asking, he hated to not have the upper hand in a conversation, but acting as if he knew would only make him look like a fool. He’d rather ask Yae a question than lose his face.
“Oh.” She shrugged a little, the corner of her lip curling into a smirk. “The fact that he doesn’t love her, of course.”
She looked at him for a while. She was fascinated by the impact of her own words. She never saw the commissioner as puzzled, a strand of bright blue hair fell into his face, hiding lavender hues which tried to make sense of the information. He suppressed the urge to bite his lips, a habit he only went after when alone and thinking about particularly hard decisions.
Never had he considered that Thoma didn’t love Ayaka. Beautiful, elegant, kind and perfect Ayaka. How could a man like Thoma not love her? Why else would he protect her with that heated passion, the force of the sun? Surely, owing someone wouldn’t lead to the kind of devotion Thoma showed around his sister. Ayato was convinced. On the other hand, he knew better than to ignore Yae’s judgment in terms of people.
An amused hum escaped her, but her purple eyes gave away that she pitied the man next to her, staring into his beverage as if it held all the answers to the universe, but none of these answers would lead to happiness. She had noticed his trembling hands by now, and how he concealed his restlessness with his hydro vision.
“You never thought about it”, she pointed out.
Ayato’s expression froze, his features matching his well-worn mask again. The concern, the fear she had witnessed before were gone in a second, and he sat a bit more upright again, chin raised - just the way it suited high-society. There was a numb feeling catching in his throat, afraid that he had chosen the worst path, made the biggest mistake, but he swallowed it down.
“It’s none of your business anyways”, he said, voice cold as ice. Despite finding the entire situation most entertaining, even Yae understood that this wasn’t the time and place to discuss it. They had been absent for too long already anyways, a brother not attending to the fullest to his sister’s wedding seemed odd.
“My, how tragic”, she finally concluded as she got up, a mischievous grin on her sakura painted lips. “But I must thank you for inspiring my latest love novel~”
Anger rose up in Ayato, but he didn’t fight back. Only his grip around the sake bowl tightened. He was not in the mood to fight with Yae, his mind still occupied with the horrible scenario of her being right.
*******
Time passed, things changed. Ayato and Thoma barely talked ever since the wedding. Never would Ayato spend nights stargazing with him. If they were in the same room, so was Ayaka, or he was working, busying himself - he avoided looking at the man who slipped through his fingers and into his sister’s arms. He hoped little interaction could make him forget, but whenever he caught a glimpse of the retainer, his hope got shattered into millions of pieces. Yae’s observations were nothing he could easily forget. Whenever she was around, she would tease him about it, calling him a poor and tragic case, but he shrugged it off. Yet, it was almost unbearable.
The only thing encouraging Ayato was the fact that Ayaka indeed became the happiest woman. She loved Thoma obviously from the bottom of her heart, though Ayato might notice that Thoma wasn’t quite the same. Maybe it was because Yae planted that seed in his head, maybe he was biased and unable to judge the situation. Being married to the Shirasagi Princess herself made Thoma give up his job as a retainer, and just like Ayaka, he became an important person, expected and seen on special occasions. Ayato knew why he avoided being the face of the clan. He also figured that Thoma would love to have his old job and leave the stage as well, that he preferred the simple life he had before.
At some point, the country’s peace was hanging by a thread, and the Commissioner became too busy to care about trivial matters such as love. Thoma’s appearance next to Ayaka made it almost unnecessary for him to even show up. Eventually, he vanished completely from public. He didn’t attend the festivals, he never accompanied the couple to meetings. He trusted them to do their job just perfectly fine, so did he. They worked more and more separately, the distance between them becoming greater, though it helped him not to overthink the what-ifs.
On one particular day, Ayato had a meeting with a couple of older clan-members. Something on the agenda bothered him, made him worry about things. He called Ayaka to his study later, looking up at her with a frown as she entered, hands neatly folded on the table in front of him.
“You wished to see me, brother?” she said. Ayaka kneeled down on the other side of the table, facing him. Her hands rested on her lap. There was obvious tension between them. Ayaka, who had barely seen her overworked brother or talked to him recently, was worried and had a bad feeling about it. She narrowed her eyebrows in concern.
“Indeed, and I am afraid that it is not a pleasant occasion”, he confessed without further ado. His lavender eyes pierced her thoroughly, making her uncomfortable. “Would you describe your marriage as a happy one?”
Ayato frowned even more, something disappointed flickered in her eyes as she looked at her brother. “Of course! Why would you ask such a thing, brother? Why… would you assume the opposite?”
It broke Ayato’s heart how anxious she sounded. He rested his elbows on the table, one eyebrow sitting just a bit higher than the other one. “Then tell me, Ayaka: How come that you are not pregnant yet?”
The girl stared at him, blinked, as if she didn’t quite catch that. She was shocked because of how bold Ayato was, because of the way his eyes pierced her as if he was about to drain the truth right out of her. She fisted her hands into the fabric of her kimono. Before she could try to form a reply, Ayato sighed. His voice sounded defeated now, tired, exhausted.
“That is the question one of our elder Clan members asked me today”, he explained. “Just because our parents are not around to arrange our marriages, it doesn’t mean that we’re freed from the family’s traditions. They expect you to give birth to an heir soon. The fact that Thoma is an outlander never helped with the case, and it’s been more than a year by now. This is not the first time I was confronted with that - and every time I am, I have no answer for them. Rumors start to spread, and rumors are never a good thing. If this is a matter a doctor should take a look at, I must ask you to inform me.”
His sister bit her lip, returning the gaze with mixed feelings. An answer seemed to be on the tip of her tongue, but she was hesitant speaking. Ayato sensed that she could not come up with the bravery to raise her voice, so he continued investigating. If he had to force the words out of her, then it would be like that - he had no other choice. The clan’s reputation provided safety for his family. He’d always choose what needed to be done to secure it.
“Is it because of you, dear sister? Or is he the problem? I assure you to be discreet about it, but we need to find a solution for this matter. I believe you understand that this is both urgent and crucial.”
“I… i-it is-”, she tried to say, but she lacked courage. She was so, so uncomfortable; Part of her never expected her brother to speak about it. She couldn’t know that he was just as ill at ease, because the last thing he wanted was Ayaka to bear his children - even though he rather had her impregnated by Thoma than anyone else. His stomach cramped at the thought of being jealous about it. At how happy she was with him, and how little he could appreciate it. The thought of Thoma pleasuring her instead of him was sickening, poisonous to him.
He still waited for a proper reply, but Ayaka averted his gaze, swallowing audibly.
“It’s nothing a doctor needs to have a look at”, she finally choked out, her cheeks dark red from embarrassment. “I will talk to Thoma about it immediately. We… weren’t aware that you would expect us to have a child that early.”
Ayato cocked his head, raising an eyebrow. Like a flash, it came to his mind how Ayaka had no clue about weddings when she called that she would marry Thoma. Perhaps this had not changed at all. “That is usually what a wedding is about, Ayaka.”
She pressed her lips to a thin line, still not really able to look into her brother’s eyes directly. “Of course, dear brother. I will not disappoint you again.”
For a second, he wanted to assure her that she had not disappointed him at all, that it was just his own selfishness, his own jealousy that made him so cold about it.
“Good”, he then simply replied, picking up his quill again while starting to look at the documents in front of him. “You may leave now, this was all.”
Puzzled and disturbed, Ayaka left to talk to her husband. She still felt Ayato’s piercing eyes on her, though he had averted his gaze already. Nervousness and anxiety curled up in her stomach and she began to wonder when her brother had become so distant, so cold towards her. They used to be so close.
In his study, Ayato was left with Ayaka’s vague answer, questioning what she even implied when she said that it was nothing a doctor could fix.
*******
“I wonder - is that an expected outcome or a mere coincidence?”
Ayato flinched at the way too cheerful tone Yae had on her when she stepped out of the shade behind him, looking up at the Sacred Sakura. Ayato had come to pray. Rarely he did that, but it never failed to comfort him, making him feel connected to his long-descended mother. He narrowed his eyes, his skin a sharp contrast to the black of his suit.
“I have no intentions to even ask what you are implying”, he said bluntly, but his voice was hoarse, rough in his own ears.
“A fruitless love, a fruitless marriage and a dead heir for the Kamisato Clan?” The lady chuckled while Ayato felt like his guts were just about to drop out of his stomach and down to the floor. “More than one year of waiting and then your sister gives birth to a dead child. How unfortunate. Do you regret it, Ayato? Telling this man to marry your sister? This outlander failed you and her - and by now he is not even able to make her happy at all.”
“It’s not his fault that the child’s condition was so poor”, he hissed through gritted teeth. He was about to lose his composure, but he wouldn’t grant Yae the satisfaction. His fists curled angry notches into his gloves, but he remained sturdy and calm.
“Even now you protect him? Your father would abandon him, Ayato, and the people would approve of it”, she said, crossing her arms under the white sleeves of her robe.
“You have no right to judge what my father would do”, he quickly retorted, but he knew she was right. He knew what the people expected from him. He couldn’t afford another mistake. Yae sighed. Ayato stiffened when he felt her hand warm against the small of his back.
“It’s good you came.” Her voice was suddenly soft, quiet. She looked up at the sakura again, her fingers pressing subtly against the man. “The Yashiro Commission has a strong connection to the shrine and the Kamisatos are born to protect the deities. I know you learned this from your mother.” Yae paused for a second. “I do not wish to harm you, Ayato. I might call you a menace, I might have cruel words for you. But you are a smart man. You know the price you have to pay. I can only promise you that Lady Guuji supports your Clan by all means. I will do what I can to save your reputation, to shield it from the rumors and the gossip that is soon about to spread.”
Ayato inhaled deeply. Knowing he had an ally in such a powerful woman gave him some relief, but he also knew that her support only came tied to a condition - paying the price she just mentioned. It was up to him now to act in a way he would detest, to act against his heart in order to save what he held dearest. He wasn’t sure if he could do it, so he swallowed thickly, forbidding himself to cry.
“Thank you for your advice and reassurance, Yae Miko”, he managed to say in a more or less steady voice, his signature smile curling his lips when he turned his head to look at her. “I owe you.”
He was careful saying these words, because it always was a bad thing to owe a favor. He was surprised when Yae closed her eyes and shook her head.
“I refuse to ask a favor from a heartbroken man. I pity you, Ayato. To the point I almost want to hug the little boy hiding behind power, sadism, a pretty face and fancy suit, topped up by a fake smile.” She opened her eyes, removed her hand from his back. “But I am afraid I just cannot bring up enough sympathy.”
Ayato huffed. It was a terrible, weak attempt to cheer him up, but it hit the cynical, peculiar humor they shared. It was one of the moments he realized that despite all the bad words shared between them, Yae was as close to a friend as he got apart from Thoma. Perhaps, she was more of a mother to him after he lost her. He was aware that she always vouched for him, managing him during his toughest situations. And even though she found out about his feelings for his sister’s husband, she never judged him in a bad way, nor took advantage of her knowledge. He believed her when she said that he pitied him, he truly did.
“Take your leave, Yashiro Commissioner”, she commanded all of a sudden, a little smirk on her lips. “You know what to do to save your reputation. You know it’s the only way. But this is about the people, not about your wishes. Your life is a public matter, even though you prefer not to show up. My condolences to Ayaka-” She paused, a sad smile on her pink lips. “And to you, Ayato.”
For the first time in his life, Ayato wished to be oblivious. To be too stupid to read between the lines. To be too dumb to understand what she meant by the right thing to do, by this being about the people and not him.
Your father would abandon him, and the people would approve of it.
He couldn’t close his eyes, couldn’t turn his back on the truth. He couldn’t turn his back on the stubbornness of his country, of the way they looked at outlanders, of how they will always look at them. He couldn’t ignore that his family had been too selfish the past years, that they would need to do what the other branches, the tradition, expected from the Kamisato Clan.
He hoped this requested action would petrify his damaged heart for good this time, make him forget the forbidden feelings buried deep in his soul.
It was this same night Ayato went to the place he used to stargaze at with Thoma. He stood right there, looking into the sky. Arms crossed behind his back, lost in thoughts. Let them come crashing down on him, collect tears in the corners of his eyes. Let them pierce his heart one last time before he knew he would have to abandon every single one of them.
“My Lord.”
The Commissioner raised an eyebrow at that familiar voice, his heart skipped a beat. Leaves rustled, a low thud followed. When the tall man finally turned, he found Thoma kneeling in front of him on the ground. Head bowed, hand resting on his one knee. The other was curled to a fist on the dirt - he looked like a knight ready to report his mission. Ayato had to swallow. The blonde hair, sunkissed skin, the green of his eyes never failed to touch his heart. Even when silver moonlight swallowed all the colors, Thoma maintained the warmth and light of the sun. But when the man looked up and dared to face his brother in law, the sunshine smile was nowhere to be seen. There were tears pooling in his eyes, silver stains on his cheeks. There were dry, chapped lips, fear and guilt written all over his face.
“I failed you”, Thoma managed to say, his voice cracking even though it was not more than a whisper to begin with. Ayato couldn’t reply. Still one eyebrow raised, his arms still crossed on his back, he stared down on him. He didn’t realize how strict, how cold he seemed, for he was a chaos within, on the verge of collapsing right there to hold Thoma, to cry with him, to confess it all.
Thoma hesitated, struggling to get his tongue to work. His jade-green eyes shimmered in the pale light of the moon and stars.
“I-I want to apologize, my Lord, but there is… nothing that could fix the mistakes I’ve made…”
Ayato couldn’t see him cry. It broke his heart to see the blonde taking the blame for a dead child, an unhappy marriage that he was responsible for. “No”, he said, slowly sitting down, leaning against the sakura tree next to him. “I failed you , Thoma. I swore to protect you. I didn’t realize my selfishness caused you to suffer more than anyone.”
He sighed, closed his eyes. Suddenly, he felt as old as the men he usually mocked during meetings.
“I’m afraid I do not understand what-”
“Are you happy?” Ayato cut him off sharp. Thoma blinked, eyebrows narrowed as he tried to choke down the sniffle that wanted to escape him. When he did not reply, the heir rephrased his question. “Have you been happy before? Did you want to marry Ayaka?”
The blonde still hesitated. He couldn’t predict what Ayato wanted to hear, but neither did he want to lie. “My heart belongs to you and to you first.” He swallowed, his voice steady, but thin. “But I am loyal to the Clan, and not loyal to you alone.”
“So it’s true”, Ayato concluded. Just like Yae had said. The confirmation hit him harder than knowing the truth for so long already. He raised a hand to cover his mouth, trying to hold back the tears that tried to force their way past black lashes. “You married her because I told you to.”
“You said it was your wish!” Thoma was quick to justify, but he didn’t deny what was left. “But I failed you regardless. I promised to make her happy, but I couldn’t - I couldn’t even provide an heir for the Clan. I’m a failure, a mistake in your history, and I should never have married-”
“It was not” - Ayato interrupted him again, louder than he intended to - “my wish.”
Thoma stared back, mouth still open. He slowly closed it, waited for the man to continue. But Ayato just lowered his gaze, raised a hand to massage his temples.
Why was it so easy to interrupt this nonsense of being a failure Thoma was rambling about?
Why was it so easy to snap at him, to yell at him?
Why was it so easy compared to how hard it was to admit that he made the mistake?
Why was it so hard to confess?
They remained silent. Thoma because he had nothing to say. Ayato because he couldn’t find the right words. For the first time in his life he was rendered entirely speechless. He could hear the question Thoma was about to ask but didn’t dare to - why, why had he told him to marry Ayaka if it wasn’t his wish? The pale man’s eyes were restless, trying to find something worth looking at that wasn’t the former retainer’s tearstained face. The blonde kneeled down on both knees eventually, hands playing with the vision attached to his belt. It gave him warmth and comfort, but not enough. It was the most uncomfortable and awkward silence he and Ayato ever had shared.
“I’m cold”, Ayato said, voice wracked, desperate. He tilted his head, facing the blonde who sighed. Who sat up, stripped the jacket he wore. Without further hesitation he stepped towards Ayato, gently placing the warm fabric around his shoulders.
Thoma’s face lit up in a weak smile when he watched how Ayato snuggled into the warmth, just like when they were kids. He was just about to keep distance again, when he felt Ayato’s ice cold hands around his wrist. He blinked in surprise, looked back into the man’s face. His lavender eyes were watery, but directed at him, almost pleading.
“It was never my wish, Thoma”, he finally repeated in a weak voice.
“What do you mean…?”, the blonde asked. Jade-green eyes worried, brows furrowed. Ayato’s words caused storms inside of him - storms of what-ifs, scenarios of what the consequence of all this would lead to. Was it really like this? Did Ayato really ask him to toss his life, his everything aside just for a request he had made without wanting it? Ayato should have known better, in that case. He should have known that Thoma would do anything for him, if he only wanted him to.
The grip around his wrist grew tighter, persistent. Ayato’s voice was more calm when he spoke again, considered words, but there was this shaky undertone that he couldn’t conceal. “I never wanted you to marry Ayaka.”
“But why not?”, the blonde insisted, his sad face indicating that he had a suspicion where this would lead to. He slowly sat down next to Ayato, leaning against the tree as well. He looked up into the sky, where all stars sparkled just like back then and sighed.
“Because I’m selfish”, the Commissioner confessed, nearly whiny. “I always wanted you for myself.”
Thoma took a while to process. Ayato’s grip around his wrist loosened. But before he could entirely remove his hand, the blonde took it, gently intertwining their fingers.
“You could have just asked, you know?”, he said, leaning in a bit just like Ayato did the same second. When his head rested against Thoma’s chest, he cherished the sound of a strong heart beating, shuddering when the former retainer carefully wrapped arms slightly around his stomach, holding him gently.
“Was it that simple?”, Ayato whispered, his breath converting into something of a strangled sob. “Was it always that simple?”
Thoma rested his chin on top of the man’s head, pressing his lips together before he replied. “I always had only eyes for you.”
Ayato tilted his head, his face just an inch away from the other’s. But despite how close they were, despite how made this moment was to kiss him, he couldn’t because Thoma didn’t look like he wanted to. He didn’t lean in like that, he didn’t slowly close his eyes, and so he moved his head again, pressing his cheek against the clothed chest, listening closely to the man’s heartbeat, how it was way too fast.
And so they remained. None of them are talking. Both are holding back tears. Both are trying to face counterfacts of what could have been while craving and cursing them all the same.
Defeated, holding each other while seeming so incredibly small compared to the night’s sky. Small compared to the universe, compared to their fate.
Ayato clenched his fist tight into Thoma’s black top, he saw the goosebumps on sunkissed skin. He knew he was cold, but he didn’t feel bad for wearing his jacket. Perhaps this was the closest he would ever get to the man, even though he wished it could be different. He looked up Thoma’s jaw when the blonde inhaled shakily.
“I should be with Ayaka now”, he said, his fingers digging into Ayato’s skin. “She is my wife, afterall. We just lost our child.”
He made it sound like he couldn’t believe what he said. Like he found it ridiculous to call her his wife, as if it was a lie that the child was born dead. It hurt him more than he had admitted so far, the loss of his son. He forced himself to not think about it as much as possible.
But even after he said it, neither of them moved. Ayato considered his options, letting Thoma go, encouraging him to leave, or to be selfish.
Wouldn’t his sister want that?
Wasn’t she insisting that he should take better care of himself, that he should fulfill his own dreams? He worried his lip, hard enough to nearly drain blood.
He couldn’t, he should not hurt her like that, but… He felt so lonely, so devastated. He knew things will never be fixed between him and Thoma if he lets him leave right now, lets him slip through his fingers one last time. The said but unnamed confession between them would let things become even more awkward - to the point where they couldn’t be friends anymore, where he would lose Thoma for good. And wasn’t this the case regardless?
Yae appeared in his mind, her demand, the burden of his role in society. He wasn’t sure if he could go on without Thoma, he wasn’t sure if-
“Stay.” He whined nearly, despair in his voice, written all over his face, suggested in the way he clenched his fists into the blonde’s black shirt. Thoma shook his head, his warm hands on Ayato’s now. Slowly he opened his fists, untangled them from his clothes, shifted weight so he could stand up.
“I can’t”, he explained with bitter-sweet regret. With a soft voice and an apologetic look on his face. “I don’t love her. She always knew that, but she never judged me. She is not that oblivious, you see. And I owe her this much, for she always treated me well. I cannot stay now, Ayato. If I do, I can never face her again without regretting what I’ve done.”
“But I need you”, Ayato insisted, vision blurry. Suddenly he didn’t care about the tears running down his cheeks anymore, his fists already curled back into Thoma’s shirt. All that mattered now was not losing him.
The blonde swallowed around the knot in his throat. He frowned, his fingers carefully tracing the pale man’s spine.
“So does she”, he whispered, ever so gently. He raised a hand, carefully wiping the tears off the pale man’s face. The heir chased the touch immediately, leaning eagerly against calloused fingers, as if it was the only thing that could keep him from drowning.
“It’s too late”, Ayato said, something between a statement and a question. He sniffed, more tears staining his face, just staring at Thoma without trying to look at his face or into his eyes. Why was it that it could never end well when they went stargazing?
Why was it that Ayato always said the wrong things in the silence of the night, when only Thoma was there to witness it?
Was he so busy being perfect at work that he kept all of his mistakes, all of his failures for Thoma alone? Why did it always feel as if he would seal his fate underneath the stars when he made the wrong decisions right under this tree?
Why did he never mess up anything, except the things he cared about the most?
Thoma sat up with a sigh, more collected than he expected himself to be.
“It is too late”, he confirmed, his fingers still on Ayato’s cheek. “I guess it was just not meant to be.” A weak smile crossed his face as he let his thumb brush over soft, white skin. “But let the stars witness a token of the love I had and always will have for you… and for you only.”
The kiss was soft. Gentle, just like Thoma’s voice. Tender, just like his personality, like the way he handled everything valuable with care. It was too short though. It was not enough.
Ayato wanted to chase the warm lips that fit so perfectly on his own, but before he could, the warmth of Thoma’s presence was already fading. When he opened his eyes, he could make out the blurry silhouette of the blonde who vanished between blooming sakura trees.
It was that night where he allowed himself to not think about what he still would have to do, to not think about the price he would have to pay. Where he would not think about punishing Thoma in public just for his reputation and sister, where he would not think about being the heir of the Kamisato Clan, one of the most important figures of the Shogunate.
Ayato allowed himself to cry, to sob, to whimper pathetically at his loss. At what could have been but was not. He allowed himself to wish he’d been more jealous, to wish he could change time. He wished Ayaka would give up on Thoma for his sake at some point, and maybe in his unbearable pain, within his suffering from requited but insatiable, impossible love, he even wished that she didn’t exist at all.
It wasn’t meant to be. It never was.
He was doomed to live in solitude.
Left alone, crying, with only the stars knowing what could have been and only the fading warmth of Thoma’s jacket to remind him of the blonde’s words.
My heart belongs to you and to you first.
Thoma never failed him. He did exactly what Ayato had asked him to, he wasn't the one to blame. Thoma just lived up to his promises trying his hardest to fulfill Ayato’s wishes.
Oh, if Ayato had only said something else when they were stargazing.