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The thudding of his heart beat in his ears is overwhelming.
He rapidly takes in as much air as his lungs will allow.
The pencil he’s gripping is becoming loose in his hand from the wetness of his palms.
“Wonwoo sweetie.”
Looking up from his paper, he sees Miss Lee looking down at him with a soft smile accompanied by a clear look of concern.
Wonwoo brings one hand up to grasp at his own shirt, right above his heart.
He feels kind of dizzy now.
Miss Lee taps the small, rectangular, laminated piece of card resting on the corner of his desk. It’s a special pass that allows him to leave the classroom as he wishes to either take a few minutes outside in the hallway or to visit the nurse when he feels overwhelmed. She must want him to use it.
Wonwoo shakes his head, he has to focus on the math test in front of him.
Putting his head back down, he stares hard at the numbers in front of him. The numbers float around in his head as he’s unable to think clearly enough to do anything with them.
“Shall we step outside?” Miss Lee is crouching down in front of his desk now.
He shakes his head again. His breathing rate increases too.
His classmates always complain that Wonwoo just uses his pass to avoid doing tests. He has to show them that’s not true. He’s sure they’re looking at him now. He has to finish his math test.
The pencil starts to shake in his wobbly hand.
“I have to finish it.” Wonwoo says quietly.
Miss Lee is still smiling at him when he looks up. “Let’s go outside now, you can finish your test later.” And oh Wonwoo really really wants to push through and finish it now, but its starting to feel like he’s running out of air, and his chest hurts, and and and…
Wonwoo takes Miss Lee’s outstretched hand and allows himself to be brought out of the classroom and into the hallway. He slides down the wall and crumples to the floor.
“Nurse Park is on her way. Let’s just focus on your breathing now.” Miss Lee says softly.
All of his attention is focused on trying to breathe. It feels like he can finally take more air in, although it’s still not enough. Miss Lee helps to count his breaths, breathing in, holding, breathing out, holding, repeat and repeat.
“Hello Wonwoo.” Nurse Park greets. Her brow is furrowed as she crouches down in front of him. Miss Lee leaves to return to the class, but only after she has brought out Wonwoo’s belongings. “Are you feeling dizzy?”
“I can’t breathe.” He replies because no matter how hard he’s been trying, he can’t seem to get enough oxygen into him.
Nurse Park nods in understanding. “You’re doing really well right now, Wonwoo.” She praises, Wonwoo doesn’t believe her. “Let’s get you to my office and how about I give you some of your medication?”
Wonwoo nods, too focused on getting air into him that he can’t force words out. The sooner he gets his meds the better.
It’s with the help of the school nurse that he’s able to get to his feet. With Nurse Park’s arms around him, he manages to take small, shaky steps towards her office. His mind is focused in on the prospect of getting to his medication, maybe then he’ll be able to breathe alright.
“Good job Wonwoo, why don’t you take a seat and I’ll get your medication.” Nurse Park says as she guides him into the room. Wonwoo plops down onto the chair and takes his school bag that she’d been carrying, he fishes out his water bottle.
It’s due to the school regulations that the nurse has to keep Wonwoo’s anxiety meds, he wishes he could keep them in his own bag. If Wonwoo could take them whenever he wanted then maybe he wouldn’t be in this position, maybe he could’ve finished the test.
She hands him one pill.
He swallows it down with a gulp of water.
“One more please.” Wonwoo requests.
Nurse Park gives him an unsure look. According to his doctor, Wonwoo should only take two pills if necessary; he thinks it’s necessary now. She gives him one more.
After swallowing the second one, he closes his eyes and tries to calm down. They’ll do their job , Wonwoo tells himself.
“Wonwoo, this is the fifth time this week that you’ve come to my office.”
It’s only Wednesday. The boy had come here the previous two days at break time to get his medication, and both days by fourth period he was back to talk to the nurse and also relax because the pills still make him so sleepy. He’s done better today, it’s almost lunch time.
Nurse Park seems concerned as she looks at him from her desk. He sinks further into the big, soft chair. As nice as the nurse is, she can certainly intimidate him sometimes.
“What can we, myself and Miss Lee, and perhaps some of the other teachers too, do to help you?” It’s a tough question, surely if Wonwoo knew he would have told them by now.
He shrugs his shoulders and reaches up to his neck to loosen his tie. “I’m not sure.” He replies quietly.
Nurse Park sighs a little. “Miss Lee could see that you were struggling today.” Wonwoo assumed that his teacher had contacted the nurse before she came up to him in class since Nurse Park arrived so quickly. “We’ve talked about using your pass.” Nurse Park reminds him.
At first, Wonwoo was too scared to use his pass at all, to put it on the edge of his table and get up and walk out of the class without a word. It ended in many lessons where he was zoned out and Miss Lee had to take him outside.
“I know.” Wonwoo says. “But I had to finish my test.”
“Do you think that you were nervous about the test?” The student quickly shakes his head, no Wonwoo is really good at math and he’s been studying for the past two weeks for the test. “What else may have caused your panic attack?” Nurse Park asks.
Wonwoo simply shrugs. Sometimes he thinks that’s just the way he is, that sometimes it just becomes difficult to breathe and make his thoughts stop running at a million miles an hour without any specific reason.
“According to your teachers, you’re doing really well in your classes. Are things at home alright?”
Wonwoo takes a minute to think. Things at home aren’t bad. His dad is getting a little busier at work but that just means that Wonwoo gets the chance to help out more. His brothers are doing well too, especially Seokmin who’s been doing better in his classes.
However, things at home are changing too. Daddy is kinda dating Uncle Seungcheol and Uncle Jeonghan but he’s also kinda not… Wonwoo is a little confused, but Daddy said that they’re not dating right now because Mingyu would prefer that they don’t.
“Everything’s ok.” He chooses to say. Wonwoo doesn’t exactly feel like getting into all the details about his own dad’s dating life with the school nurse.
Nurse Park nods her head. “Would you like to go for a lie down?” She suggests.
Just off the nurse’s office is a small room filled with sofas and even a tv. Wonwoo is used to taking naps in there or just relaxing there before returning to class.
“Yes please.”
“I will bring you some lunch in later.” Nurse Park says after looking up at the clock. “I’ll be here if you need anything Wonwoo, don’t be afraid to ask.”
Wonwoo thanks her and picks up his school bag before taking himself next to door to rest.
He sits on the largest sofa and picks out his favourite blanket. It’s the one place in the school that Wonwoo feels safe. It’s quiet and cozy and hardly anyone comes in except from the occasional student who’s feeling sick. He leaves his shoes by the sofa so he can lie down.
Daddy always tells him to do something that will distract his mind when he’s feeling really anxious; Wonwoo pulls out his nintendo from his school bag. He can already feel himself growing drowsy, but he’ll play just a few games to settle his mind.
—
“Hyyuuuunng”
“Is he gonna wake up?”
“Hyyyuuuunnngieeee!”
“Nonie, I don’t think it’s working.”
“Wonwooooo hyuuuunnnngiieeee!”
Insistent pokes to his shoulder are what finally wakes Wonwoo from his slumber. He blinks his heavy eyes open. Standing above him is the blurry face of his littlest brother.
His anxiety meds always do a sure job of knocking Wonwoo out completely. He always sleeps well on days where he takes them.
Wonwoo feels a little disorientated as he squints his eyes to try and make out the features of his brother.
“He’s awake!” Vernon exclaims.
Wonwoo is confused as he wakes up, why are his brothers here and not in their classes? His glasses are forced onto his face by Seokmin who almost pokes him in the eye.
“Daddy’s here.” Seokmin grins brightly.
That excites Wonwoo who sits up to look around the small room, but only his brothers are here with him. He must mean that it’s the end of the day and Daddy is waiting for them; his younger brothers have become used to collecting him from the nurse’s room. He turns back to Seokmin and cocks his head.
“Daddy’s talking to Nurse Park.” Vernon then says before squishing himself into Wonwoo’s arms for a hug. “Why is hyungie in here?” Vernon asks.
“Were you feeling nervous?” Questions Seokmin. It’s such an innocent way of his little brother to put it.
Wonwoo nods. It always embarrasses him to admit such a thing to his younger brothers. Wonwoo is supposed to be the strong, reliable hyung who can protect them from anything. It’s completely the opposite of who he really is.
“Why?” Vernon asks curiously, even Seokmin looks towards him in interest.
Both he and Daddy have explained to Vernon and Seokmin about his anxiety a few times now. Wonwoo doesn’t think that they completely understand, perhaps they’re still too little. They both know that he gets more nervous than he should and that sometimes things get really really scary for him, but it’s hard for them to understand how he can be scared of nothing in particular.
He never talks about his panic attacks with Seokmin, and they always try to move Seokmin away when Wonwoo has one. His hyung’s panic attacks always frighten Seokmin who can tell that his hyung is struggling but who has no idea how to help him. Wonwoo thinks that his little brothers shouldn’t have to see things like that.
Wonwoo gulps.
“Why don’t we go see where Daddy is?” Wonwoo suggests instead to push away the unwanted attention.
He helps Vernon to put on his backpack before gathering his own belongings into his school bag. Wonwoo leads his brothers out of the room, shushing them when he can hear their dad talking to the nurse. They sneak up to the door quietly, lined up against the wall in a row.
“He had his medication again?” Wonwoo can hear his dad ask, he sounds exasperated almost.
Nurse Park hums. “I think this ought to be brought up with his doctor, perhaps daily medication might be the way forwards.” Nurse Park suggests.
Wonwoo would hate that. His medication already makes him drowsy and sometimes his tummy hurts too after he’s taken it. He knows that it calms him down, but he wants to get better without it, he thinks he can do that.
“I’m concerned about the frequency of his panic attacks, Mr Hong.” Wonwoo catches Nurse Park say quietly. “It’s going to affect his education.”
Wonwoo’s studies have always been disrupted. He’s a good student - everyone knows it - but he hardly ever manages to come to school, or at least stay at school, for an entire week without needing time off. Wonwoo shrugs, it’s nearly summer break anyway.
“We’re doing what we can at home.” His dad replies. Even on the days that Wonwoo is too filled with anxiety to pull himself out of bed in time for school, he does practice math questions and reads books way beyond his expected reading level. Wonwoo would never allow himself to fall behind in his studies.
He hears the nurse sighing. “Perhaps that’s fine for now, but he’ll be in middle school next year, he’ll study more subjects, classes will become tougher, and what ever he misses will have a negative effect.” Wonwoo hates thinking about middle school. Yes, he’ll technically still be at the same school just in a different building but there will be more students and more work and more of everything. He doesn’t want to hear anymore about it, he still has half a year left in elementary school after all.
“Daddy?” Wonwoo calls out with a gentle knock on the door.
He peers inside the nurse’s office, neither adult appears pleased with each other.
“Hiya bud.” His legs automatically move him towards his dad so that he can be hugged.
“We’ll be late for therapy.” He tells his dad while they hug after he caught glimpse of the time.
His dad nods against him and they pull away. “Thank you for your help, Nurse Park.” Daddy says with clear bitterness in his voice.
“Bye Wonwoo, I hope that we’ll have no more meetings this week.” Nurse Park says. Wonwoo smiles wearily, he saw the nurse every day last week too.
In the car, Daddy doesn’t ask any questions about his panic attack which Wonwoo is really grateful for. He never minds talking about these things with his dad, but if his brothers are around he grows a little self conscious. Wonwoo zones out a little as they drive, he listens to the retelling of Seokmin’s day and then Vernon’s lunch times stories. Occasionally, Daddy puts a reassuring hand on Wonwoo’s thigh, he feels safe when he does that.
—
“How are you today?” Dr Kang asks as Wonwoo settles into the comfortable armchair he’s grown so used to.
Wonwoo looks around the office that’s filled with bookshelves and cool art. No matter how many sessions he has with Dr Kang, he always manages to find something new to look at in his therapist’s office.
“Sleepy.” He replies honestly.
Dr Kang hums while he nods in acknowledgment. “Your dad told me that there was an incident at school, and you took your medication?”
“Yeah, I had two of them.” Wonwoo tells him. “I think it was necessary because I couldn’t really breathe and that was freaking me out more so my breaths kept getting shorter and shorter and I thought I was going to pass out so I asked Nurse Park for a second one, I don’t think she really wanted to give me it but it is my decision, right? And I thought for me it was best to take two of them.” He feels the need to explain himself.
Dr Kang is a large man with greying hair and a dark beard. At first Wonwoo thought he was scary, now he thinks he looks more like a big teddy bear, especially when he smiles as he does so now. “That’s a good choice, Wonwoo.” He praises which eases off some of the tension that was growing in the boy.
“Nurse Park thinks I should have daily medication.” He tells Dr Kang what he overheard.
“What do you think about that?”
Wonwoo lists off his reasons for why he’s against it, there are quite a few. He knows that it would probably make things easier for himself but he fears too that it would change so much of him.
“…and my Uncle Seungcheol told me that when he was my age he had really bad anxiety too but he got better without lots of medication.” He ends with a ramble about his uncle.
Uncle Seungcheol helped him through a panic attack one time when Daddy was busy with Vernon. Wonwoo was so shocked that his uncle knew exactly what to do, and when he asked how, he found out that it’s because Uncle Seungcheol had experienced panic attacks too. Wonwoo doesn’t really ever see his uncle struggling with anxiety so he has hopes that he can get rid of his own one day too.
Dr Kang inputs his thoughts on what Wonwoo has said. The therapist gives both positive and negative feedback and they both decide that Wonwoo should stay a little longer on the medication he’s currently using before they make a big decision.
“So how are things going with your two uncles?”
Wonwoo had told Dr Kang all about his Uncle Seungcheol and Uncle Jeonghan ever since Wonwoo first met them. Dr Kang is fully aware of their situation uncle Nurse Park at school.
The boy hums pensively.
“They’re not really dating anymore.” Dr Kang raises his eyebrows. “Uncle Seungcheollie has a son, Mingyu, he’s… well he um has a couple issues.” Wonwoo tries to phrase is as nicely as possible. “And um Mingyu doesn’t really want his Baba to date anyone so everything’s kinda on hold.”
“Hmm and how does that make you feel?”
Questions about his feelings are always difficult. Wonwoo struggles to turn emotions into words that make sense to others.
Wonwoo shrugs. “It’s okay.”
The room goes quiet, providing Wonwoo with more time to think.
The prospect of a big - a really big - family, excites Wonwoo. Junhui and Jihoon and Soonyoung have become like his best friends and he thinks that getting to live with them one day would be really cool since they could play video games together and just like hang out, that would be so much fun.
On the other hand, Wonwoo is terrified of them seeing what he’s really like. Yes, they know that he gets nervous sometimes and needs reassurance but they’ve never seen him on the days where he can’t leave his dad’s side for more than 10 seconds without working himself up into a full blown panic attack. Maybe they’d think he was a loser or a baby or whatever else it is his classmates like to call him.
“I was a little worried about that.” Wonwoo admits as he voices his thoughts. He’s become better at not keeping things to himself, he realises that it’s best to express everything that’s on his mind to either Dr Kang or Daddy.
“Your anxiety is nothing to be ashamed of Wonwoo.” Dr Kang’s voice is deep yet soft, maybe like thick honey Wonwoo thinks. It’s as if the vibrations of his voice have enough power themselves to calm him.
He’s been told this sentence probably thousands of times before by handfuls of different people, it doesn’t prevent him from feeling ashamed.
“Thirteen people is a lot…” Wonwoo then says when the conversation dulls.
Dr Kang hums, he’s just like Daddy in that regard, they both hum as a signal for Wonwoo to keep talking. He does.
His hands join in his lap. He picks at the skin around his finer nails.
“M just a little worried that I’ll be forgotten again.” Forgotten isn’t quite the word, but it hurts too much for Wonwoo to say abandoned.
“Do you think that your Dad would let that happen?” Dr Kang has an eyebrow raised, he sits forwards in his seat.
Wonwoo shrugs, maybe.
It’s just that with so many kids, it’s hard to be seen. Some have more needs than others like Chan and Mingyu, while others are simply good at gaining attention from the adults like Seungkwan and Soonyoung. Wonwoo is quiet, he easily blends into the background.
“When there are younger siblings, the attention shifts.” Wonwoo says quietly. “I know it.”
“Did that happen with you Dad?”
Wonwoo shakes his head. Their situation is more complicated since Vernon was adopted first then himself and then Seokmin.
Maybe Daddy’s attention was focused on Seokmin for a little while after his adoption but that’s because his younger brother was so skinny and sickly and so so afraid of everything. But Wonwoo knows that it’s thanks to their dad’s attention to him that Seokmin is better now.
“No, but Seokminie was really poorly.” He excuses. “It’s not like there was a new cute baby that everyone loved.” There is a mixture of both bitterness and sadness in his voice.
“Will there be a new baby if your dad starts dating them?” Dr Kang is always rational.
Wonwoo shakes his head, but Chan is super young and so small too, everyone always says how cute he is.
“Is there any reason why your dad might stop giving you as much attention as he does now?”
Wonwoo shrugs. His head is starting to hurt from all the things he’s thinking, all the thoughts that are swimming circles in his head.
“Would you not gain attention from your two uncles?”
He shrugs his shoulders again. It’s almost impossible to see why they’d bother to give him any attention when he’s the second oldest and therefore one of the least cute and least important of the children.
“Do you think…”
“I don’t know!” The loudness of his own voice shocks Wonwoo.
When he’s scared his brain doesn’t think properly, it simply throws all the worst thoughts at him. Maybe Daddy might forget all about him when he gets new brothers, maybe his uncles won’t want another older son, maybe the kids won’t want to be his brother, maybe maybe maybe they might just leave him alone somewhere!
In this instance every possible nightmarish scenario scatters around his mind. He wishes he had never brought it up.
“I apologise for pushing, Wonwoo .” Dr Kang raises his hands up in defence.
He takes a few deep breaths.
“I’m just scared.” Wonwoo says shakily.
“Have you spoken about this with your dad?” He hasn’t. He didn’t want to affect his dad’s decision on whether or not to date his uncles due to his stupid fears. “I think that would be a good place to start.”
The alarm on Wonwoo’s watch starts beeping. Their hourlong session is over. Wonwoo straightens his clothes out, ready to get up.
“I feel as though we still have a lot to talk about.” Dr Kang’s voice causes him to remain in his seat. “I have no one coming next if you’d like to stay and talk a bit more?”
Wonwoo has more to say too, he thinks, yet he shakes his head. “My dad has come to get me and if he has to wait then Vernon has to wait for his bath so then Seokmin has to wait for his and then he’ll miss the start of his show and we have to watch it from the beginning so then we’ll all go to bed too late.” Wonwoo explains thoroughly, not even noticing that it’s his anxiety talking.
“That’s okay, Wonwoo.” Dr Kang smiles at him, it floods Wonwoo with relief, he didn’t realise that he was scared of his therapist becoming angry if he declined the offer. “But I would like to talk more so I will schedule you in for Monday afternoon next week along with our usual Wednesday afternoons.”
Wonwoo nods and writes down the day and time on his hand with a black pen, he’ll have to write it up on the fridge when he gets home so he doesn’t forget.
“Thank you, Dr Kang.” Wonwoo says with a small bow when he stands up.
“You’re welcome, Wonwoo, I’ll see you on Monday.” The therapist smiles softly at him and waves goodbye.
Just outside in the waiting room, Daddy is sat on one of the chairs. Normally his brothers are there too, playing with the few toys in the corner.
“Where are Seok and Nonie?” He asks before greeting his dad.
“They wanted to help prep for tomorrow.” Wonwoo relaxes knowing that they’re in the bakery with the staff.
He’s always more tense right after a therapy session, it tends to take a little while for him to feel the positive effects of talking it out to a professional.
Wonwoo allows himself to be wrapped up in his dad’s comforting arms for a brief few moments in the empty waiting room. “Feeling alright?” Daddy asks. Wonwoo hums against him, he feels alright now that he’s with him.
He decides that he’ll talk about his fears with his dad during the drive home, it’s sure to help settle the day’s anxiety.