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I yawn as I snuggle close into Peter. His hands reach down to rub my back. Leaning his head onto myn as I pause to slightly lift my head up. His blue eyes staring down at me as he smiles at me.
“Darling?” He asks softly as I stare quietly up at him.
His eyes are so pretty. Like a blue ocean that can swallow me whole if I let it.
I lean up to place a kiss on his lips. A surprised sound leaves his mouth as he all but happily reciprocates. Moving a hand to the back of my head to hold me there as he kisses back.
Pulling back to let me breathe as he gives me a dopey smile. “That was unexpected, but lovely” He murmurs as he gazes down at me.
If his eyes could have hearts in them, I am pretty sure they be staring at me with only one message. He loves me, he wants me, I am the person that is his world.
I feel a tight hold on my chest suddenly. Like someone flipped off a switch that allowed me to breathe.
My chest hurts, I can’t breathe. My heart is beginning to beat faster.
Nononnononononononono…
Not now…NOT NOW! NOT NOW!
Why…Why does everything suddenly hurt! Why can’t I be happy?! I am being loved, I finally am being loved and wanted and yet..I STILL don’t feel HAPPY.
Tears well up in my eyes as his own widen. Fear blooming on his face as his eyes frantically search myn for signs of any issue.
His voice getting drowned out by my own heart thumping madly in my chest as tears slide down my cheeks. Like little crystals that twinkle with my sadness and panic, glistening with the glare of the light, falling down onto my clothes as I feel it dampening the cloth. Staining my skin red and damp.
I could feel a burning that was actually there, my clothes hiding the burning shame of what I do to myself. To my skin…How deep I go to feel some semblance of peace from my own brain. The thing that plagues me and makes me wish I was gone.
It’s all a blur to me as my breath is catching, throat burning and head throbbing. Him quickly adjusting me to sitting on my knees as his hands cup my cheeks and make me look up at him. Eyes red and watery as I begin sobbing loudly.
Making my body tremble and shake with such harshness, I am practically hitting into him with my body as it shudders violently. My heart becoming an upcoming headache with its roar.
So much all at once, I can’t catch a single break nor breath as I feel my light dimming and my mind traveling to my “safe place”.
A worried look on his face, fear in his eyes, voice calling me out. Calling me out of the darkness, well, trying to. His voice is just numb and dull compared to my own hatred of myself.
It was fine. Everything was just fine! Why is it not anymore?! IT JUST WAS!
“Darling?! Darling, what’s wrong!?” He sounds so damm worried. Panicked even.
I feel my breath catches as I catch the bits and pieces of his words as I can barely breathe. Stopping my breath in total to hear his pleas to tell me the problem.
He is acting like I am suddenly dying. Jesus…it feels like I am dying…
My chest hurts, my head has a raging headache, my face is tingling and damp. My hands hurt from grasping hard at my own chest, trying to tug away my clothes as it feels as if I am burning. My hair raising on my arms like goosebumps as every sound causes me to jolt.
His touch barely feels as if it’s there. My brain shutting out his voice once more.
Godammit…I made it worse. I always mess up…don’t I?
I can’t focus as my vision blurs and his face becomes a whirl of colors. Tears making it seem like watching moving water. I feel my throat dry heave violently as I lean into the body. The body of the person near me. Holding me, trying to get me back to the moment.
I even am making them worry…how could I be so heartless? I couldn’t just fucking be happy for one day. Couldn’t hold it to go home and grab the blade my eyes drift to so often.
The longing to feel the smooth handle and the slice of pain as it presses to delicate flesh. Wanting to see the beads of deep red that bloom as little dots. Smearing as toilet paper is clumsily put to it. Water being put onto it to cause a sting, cleaning it so no damm infection can reveal my hidden self coping.
The only thing I have addiction to. More addicting than any drug or drink has ever been for me. The temptation and pull for pain far more pulling then the hangover I get and most likely jail time if I did anything else beside it.
That voice…still calling. One word constantly on repeat…”darling”. Begging me to answer and their grip breaking through as they almost seem to bruise me with how tight they are clutching my shoulders.
Breath shuddering as they seem ready to jump off the couch and grab their phone. Eyes drifting to it as they search my face.
They tell me they love me as I manage to make out “911”.
Loves me…
I sob even harder. As hard as my body lets me with whatever is left. I feel so nauseous as my body heaves non-existent puke.
Falling so hard into their chest as I feel so much dim around me. My knuckles trembling and turning white as I feel my nails tear into the skin. Crimson staining the blue shirt I seem to remember.
The smell and feel of the fabric, the owner, everything about this shirt holds me from almost slipping. My eyes frantically twitching side to side for a search as my eyes glance at the half and half heart.
Love…that word is like a mantra as I tremble and squeeze my eyes. Leaning into them harder.
I HATE THAT WORD! FUCK THAT SIMPLE WORD! WHAT THE FUCK IS LOVE?! NOTHING! HOW CAN ANYONE LOVE ME! I AM WORTHLESS! SO FUCKING WORTHLESS!
I gasp for air as my head screams at me. Feeling my voice come back as my eyes widen. My brain playing the face over and over of the person holding me.
Their name? What was it…right…
“It hurts! Peter it hurts so much! Everything hurts!” I sob into him. Clinging onto him like my own life depends on it. Doesn’t mean I care for my own life….
I can’t know why my head is trying to shut down. Why my brain went into panic mode. Why I got snapped out of it. I wish it killed me…
These thoughts just keep ringing through my head? Huh…yeah…hurts…only hurts…
Of course it hurts…you deserve this. You deserve everything that you suffer through!
I deserve so much pain. I deserve him to push me away and tell me I am undeserving of his love. He couldn’t love someone so broken.
A hand of his tries to rub my back as he tries to soothe me. In his own panicked way, he tries to soothe me? Why…
He looks like he barely knows how to function himself. Like the panic of my own attack paralyzed him. My eyes seem to twitch more as I constantly shake my head to scan the room. Panicking as I search for whatever.
Watching his big hands grab his phone and type in a number as he puts it to his ear.
Voice speaking to another. A woman.
Mumbling words I catch. Panic, intense, pain, looks ready to pause out and dry heave.
He looks at me as I pant. I feel so ready to end this pain.
“Darling! What hurts?!”
He sounds so worried and all I can do is cry. Cry till my voice goes hoarse and you hear hiccups.
Stupid…I am so fucking stupid…
I began to sob once more and my breathing becomes practically nothing as I cough and choke on my own spit.
Grabbing my face so gentle and forcing me to look at him once again. “What hurts?! Tell me! What hurts?!”
My head is pointing up as spit dribbles down my chin. My eyes unfocused onto his face as the world spins.
I shake my head as I began to hit at his chest.
Stupid! Don’t do that!
He tries to catch my hands, trying to be gentle. But I began to butt my head against him and I actually made a hit. My head hurt even more and he let out a groan. I watched him grab and hold his mouth as I see blood spill between his fingers.
Eyes snap to it. My head drifting to blades. He has a butterfly knife nearby. One he sharpens daily, perfect to do at least one slice.
I try to move away to stand and yet he holds me. I kick and scream and slump into him. He holds his arms around my waist and he is actually trembling against me. He begins to slightly rock me.
A pattern. I slump into him more. The pattern calms me somewhat. But my head still races for the knife.
Why? Was I acting like this? He is worrying for me! Stupid! I am so fucking stupid!
I glance down and see the blood once more. It’s on my shirt now. My breath slows down and my head pounds and I begin to struggle.
“EVERYTHING! EVERYTHING! MY OWN HEAD HURTS, MY BODY HURTS, MY LIFE HURTS! I CANNOT DO THIS PETER! I CANT! I DONT WANT TO LIVE ANYMORE!”
I struggle so hard he is actually tilting downwards. He quickly has to shift me to face him and tries his best to gently push me to lay down. A blanket that was on the couch being my cushion.
His eyes widen even more as he looks shaken up. “Wa-Wait darling…You can’t mean that? Ri-right? RIGHT?!”
“RIGHT?! YOU DONT MEAN THAT! YOU CANT!”
I wince at his yelling and he looks so guilty as he gulps.
I sob harder as I hear him hold his breath.
I can’t…It hurts to even exist….
“I DO! I WANT TO DIE! I WANT TO RIP MY OWN SKIN OPEN! BASH MY HEAD IN! JUMP OFF A BUILDING! ANYTHING BUT DEAL WITH FUCKING LIFE!”
I am crying again. He sighs.
Something shifts and he suddenly wraps the blanket around me. Pushes me to hold me in his arm and rocks me. Petting my hair as I cry.
He hums softly as I sob so hard.
I don’t last long as my body gives in. Sniffling as I hiccup and cringe at the pain. He wipes away my tears from my blank face and kisses my cheek.
“We don’t have to talk about it right now, but sleep please. I am worried” I nod. Slumping into him.
My head hurts and I whimper.
Everything happened so fast and out of nowhere. Yet here I am. Feeling so tired and broken. He holds me in the blanket and rocks me once more. Kissing my head and telling me all these phrases of “it will be okay”.
I can only nod off to sleep as my brain questions….”how could he be so sure?”