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Mint, still at the state of shock, doesn’t know what to feel about the sudden exchange between him and his ex fuck buddy, Jamie. Jamie and him, well, they are already done talking and fucking few months back since Jamie wanted an out. That was it; it’s done. It’s within their unspoken agreement that whoever wants out, then it’s game over, easy as that.
Hindi ba gano’n naman ang usual setup, you fuck and then leave.
What he doesn’t understand is that, why does Jamie want to go back if he was just looking fine as ever with his boyfriend a few weeks ago?
'It just won’t make sense. And now he’s back to fucking with me,' he thought.
But his fragile, fragile heart that is very much weak for his old flame was always there, ready to welcome the other with arms wide open, no questions asked. He trusts Jamie, alam niya namang hindi nito gagawing mangaliwa o manloko. He just wasn’t able to comprehend how fast things happened. But he’s there, whims and all.
Kahit naman hindi sabihin ni Jamie, Mint has his own way of finding out things. However, he already stopped sticking his nose in Jamie’s business not too long ago. Mint was just relieved in the meantime to see and know that he’s happy, although being secretly (and painfully) aware of the other’s relationship after they’ve decided to part ways.
Spacing out for some time, shortly after receiving the older’s reply of “yours”, he considered that Jamie would arrive at the lobby anytime soon, so he stopped pacing in front of the long-forgotten series playing on the TV and decided to turn it off before going out of the unit to fetch his old flame. So much for a weekend afternoon off of school activities.
When he got to the almost empty lobby, he took his phone to try and call the older man. But before he could even press the button, a cab stopped a few feet away from where he’s standing. A guy went out and their eyes met for a brief moment. Narinig niya ang gulat ng guard sa likod niya, mukhang hindi rin inaasahan na makita ulit ang binatang matagal ding hindi nagawi sa gusali.
“Sir Jamie, long time no see,” nauna pang bati nito kaysa kay Mint na tila naestatwa na kung saan siya naghihintay kanina lang.
“Hello, kuya. Natagalan, eh. Akyat na kami!” maikling bati nito pabalik at saka kumaway sa mga pamilyar na mukha na nasa likod ng front desk.
Hindi na nakaimik pa si Mint nang hilahin na siya ni Jamie paalis at papunta sa dulong elevator. He badly wanted to say something, but words seemed to be caught up in his throat. The thoughts were trapped in a jam inside his head, he might already be thinking out loud at this point. But the other seems to not mind, he remained quiet and his stance a bit unfamiliar for Mint.
Feels unrecognizable. Feels foreign to Mint. Like he’s around a stranger in a place so familiar.
“Let’s reserve the talk for later,” Jamie uttered, like he heard the gears turning inside the younger’s head.
“Okay,” he agreed.
The moment they step inside the taller's pad, their lips are already latched onto each other. Swiftly undressing the other, and whatever piece of clothing their hands caught comes flying across the room. Chests never apart, hands are busy doing all the talking they've set aside for later; communication be damned, Jamie just wants to blow off some steam.
His pent up emotions are quite messing up with his mental state and his overall balance.
'Tanginang Yael kasi 'yan, manloloko. Mananarantado ka na lang, 'di mo pa ginalingan.' His mind supplied.
He wasn't aware that his pacing was already becoming aggressive; he unintentionally bit Mint's lower lip a little too harshly, drawing a dot of blood from it, and that effectively pulled him away from his thoughts along with the other's quiet hiss.
"Fuck, sorry," he whispered on the latter's cheek, planting a soft kiss on it.
"It's fine, babe," he replied, trying to lick the taste of iron away, all the while caressing the lower of the smaller's back to soothe him. 'He's just probably tensed. After all, this is the first time we've met face to face after a few months,' he thought. "Let's slow down, alright? We have all the time." A firm hand placed on Jamie's waist while he's settled on his lap.
"I guess," he says, still guilty from what happened. Because why's he thinking about that guy when he's already basking in Mint's presence right now? Ang unfair naman siguro no'n para sa nakababata.
"Fuck," he cursed when Mint's tongue went and glided on the column of his neck and bites the small skin under his jawline. Jamie's small pants filled the silent room, his breath fanning over the other's hair. "Ah, Min..."
The hands he couldn't keep to himself are traveling all over Mint's chest, back, and shoulders while his underwear-covered bottom keeps on grinding painfully slow on the latter's still clothed semi-hard dick. Hindi siya makabilis dahil sa mahigpit na hawak ng isa sa kaniyang bewang. "Sit still, babe," he sternly said, parting his lips from the now mark-littered neck of the smaller.
"Can't. Please, let's go faster. Bagalan na lang na'tin mamaya," Jamie whined but it seems like Mint has other plans. He wants to savor this night; he wants Jamie to beg for more. To fuck him harder but treat him tenderly, nonetheless.
"We can't, we need to prep you."
"I already did. Kaya please, bilisan na lang natin."
"Jeym, what's with the rush? This was how you liked it, right?" His soft voice filled Jamie's ears. But instead of feeling ecstatic about being considered, he feels oddly frustrated. He wants this fast paced, and whatever Mint was doing is not ‘it’ for him. Maybe not today.
He knows he's being shitty and ungrateful.
Kaya siguro siya pinagsawaan.
Tangina.
"Mint, uwi na lang ako. Let's not do it today." He declared, standing up from his previous position on top of the guy. Jamie ran his fingers through his already disheveled hair, stressed about the discourse between them.
His sudden burst alarmed the younger. "Jeym naman," he uttered in disbelief, nakaupo pa rin habang pinoproseso ang nangyari. "Jamie, please, ano bang nangyayari?" Naguguluhan niyang tanong.
The other seems to be clouded by something he cannot pinpoint, parang walang naririnig at patuloy na hinahanap ang mga damit na kung saan-saan na lumipad nang makapasok sila sa pintuan kani-kanina lang.
"Pakihanap naman ng salamin ko, please," he asked habang abalang sinusuot ang pantalon.
Mint, still confused and contemplating, starts to look for the older's eyeglasses. "Ihahatid na kita," sabi nito nang matagpuan na ang hinahanap sa ibabaw ng entryway table katabi ng susi ng sasakyan.
"Hindi na," he declines, still fixing one stubborn leg of his pants, and when he's finished, he halts and exhales. Shirt somehow forgotten beside him. His elbows are now perched on his knees, hands rubbing his face and then carding his hair, messing it up again.
"Mint, sorry," a soft apology left his lips.
The younger who's bewildered, stopped and crouched in front of him. "Bakit ka naman nagso-sorry, wala ka namang ginawang mali?" he wonders.
While there are so many things he wanted to ask, only a few left his mouth—not really addressing the elephant in the room. He reckons he isn't in the place to question why things are the way they are.
"Wala… sorry talaga. Sinayang ko oras mo," he mumbled, still avoiding eye contact with the man before him. The other seems to feel his distress, so he just let the conversation hang between them, albeit getting no proper answer from the smaller one. He's just worried he upset Jamie for being too pushy.
Silence reigned in the room for a few minutes, aside from the soft hum of the air conditioner.
"Jeym, baby, I know my place in your life, but... what's wrong? Does something upsets you?" he probed, and by now, he's aware he's already crossing boundaries. Because they are not exactly the type of people who can have this kind of conversation. The relationship they have only revolves around sex and satisfaction.
But fuck limits; he knows he's pushing his luck too far by asking questions he shouldn't.
However, Jamie being Jamie, he's going to be too stubborn and self-reliant. "Nothing, okay lang ako. Next time na lang tayo magkita," he denied, but his face said otherwise.
"If nothing, why not talk?"
"Bakit pa? Wala naman akong dapat sabihin."
Wow, sakit.
Sabagay, ano nga bang ine-expect niya? That Jamie will wear his heart into his sleeves and confide in him?
So he apologized, "Sorry," and paused. "I'm sorry for cornering you. I didn't mean to," he sighed and stood up. Mint just bit and wet his lips while thick air surrounds them.
"Mint," Jamie called, sounding regretful.
"Magbibihis lang ako, ihahatid kita," sabi nito at tumalikod na sa isa. Pero bago pa man siya makalayo ay naramdaman niya ang kamay ng nakatatanda sa kaniya.
Jamie pulled his wrist down to hold his face and capture his lips. Each of their own clashes in an open-mouthed kiss. This one feels less rushed unlike the first one they've shared after a long while. The tension they went through evaporated through the air as they engaged in another heated make out.
Jamie's hands settled on Mint's nape, not once planning to release his grip. Mint hunched and tried to go back to their old position while keeping up with the hunger of the older. And while they were at it, Jamie began to straddle his lap for the second time. As the lip-locking continued, the pace was becoming more intense, yet it did not strike Mint that Jamie's rapid hands were all over and shaking. It's getting restless, and while it drives him crazy, the older one seems to be more desperate than he was a while ago.
It was like he was aiming for something higher than heaven.
And when he felt it, he stopped abruptly, so fast that it also stunned him. Like he was not aware of what's happening and what he'd been clawing at for the past few minutes of them making out.
"Mint... ano..." he stumbled.
"Baby, hey, what's really up?" the former asks, concerned.
"Sorry..." bulong nito habang nakayuko, and another. "Sorry, Mint."
"Bakit ka ba sorry nang sorry?" Nagtatakang tanong na ng isa. Hindi na rin niya maintindihan kung saan ba nanggagaling ang paulit-ulit na paumanhin galing sa nakatatanda. In fact, he doesn't have anything to be sorry for. They were doing just fine.
Or that's what Mint would like to believe. He doesn't know anymore.
"Jamie... babe," he called, but the older one refused to meet his eyes. "Hindi ko alam kung anong nangyayari; whatever's going on with you, or what's inside your mind," at bumuntong-hininga siya. "What I want is for you to just fill me in. Just give me a bit of context, and I'll definitely take it. Whatever it is."
"..."
"Kailan ba kita jinudge?"
"..."
Mint waits for him, his hands trying to go anywhere but those areas they usually frequent. Everything's hard to do so because: (1) his member's still unimaginably a bit hard; and (2) Jamie's still as quiet and somber as ever.
"Mint, can you be honest with me for once?"
"Why? Did you ever feel that I wasn't?" he asked, brows knitted in confusion.
"Please," the begging cut the taller's further questions, and he went along with whatever his partner wanted. Mahina siya, eh.
"Okay," he indulged him.
And there was silence; for a bit of time, the younger thought that the older was just tricking him. But after another few seconds of waiting, he heard him asking in a small voice, almost inaudible.
"Minsan ba... you ever felt unsatisfied with me and what we're doing? Naisip mo ba na hindi ako sapat… may kulang ba, gano’n? Did it ever occur to you na ayaw mo na?"
"..."
"Naisip mo bang palitan ako?" And it hurt Mint.
It hurt him because he had never thought about any of what Jamie was asking. Maybe he did, but he thinks it most certainly is the other way around. Because those were the things he had been mulling about when the latter suddenly concluded whatever relation they had.
Maybe it did hurt his ego, maybe not.
Maybe he's still trying to forget the last time they shared a bed.
And maybe, just maybe, Jamie did enjoy their time; he's just not into him. And so when he found the person he's eyeing with fondness and affection, Mint was just as easy to flick off.
But he still indulged him and answered firmly, "No."
"Kahit isang beses?"
"Never."
"..."
"Why are you even asking this nonsense?"
"Gusto ko lang."
"Because?"
"Gusto ko lang malaman kung nakakasawa ba ko," he chuckled, but there was no humor evident on it, almost as if mocking himself with it. "Gusto kong humanap ng rason, kasi nakakatawa lang..."
"Ang alin?"
"Mint, hindi ka ba nagtataka, five months lang tinagal nung paalam ko sa'yo." Jamie said like he's trying to make him realize something.
"Jamie, I don't think you've ever given this a thought, but I'm still somehow keeping tabs on you," the younger one admits in the most quiet voice Jamie has ever heard of him. "I don't want to admit this out loud 'cause it scares the shit out of me, but it was hard not having you. And I... I am not one to ask for much, and that's what keeping you feels like."
"Min," Jamie hesitantly looked at him.
"Anyway, this isn't about me," Mint sighed, but smiled nonetheless. He looked back at Jamie with those kind eyes, ever so soft, while his thumbs were touching the veins on his hands. "Babe, I just hope that you know how much did I lose, and how the things we've shared were not the same after you."
"Was I a difficult experience?" Jamie wondered, and is now tearing up, not expecting those words from the person he used to escape reality with. He's definitely not prepared to hear and learn about the younger's musings. Heck, he wasn't even aware he was harboring feelings.
"No," he shakes his head. "I genuinely enjoyed our time; I'm kinda hoping you also did. Pero kung hindi, okay lang naman. Maybe, you'll be better off with other people," and with that, Mint held the older's soft cheek. He took his time engraving this perfect scene in his head: where Jamie's above him, all too soft and vulnerable, even if it's just perfect only for him. "I also wish you knew how easy all it was with you."
Within their little proximity, Jamie went and gave in. He encircled his arms around the taller in a quite breathtaking hug.
And Mint was just there, frozen and unmoving. He never thought he'd get a hug from the smaller outside their bedroom activities. He only felt his limbs embracing back the latter when he felt something warm on the crook of his neck, while muffled sobs can be heard echoing on the four corners of the unit.
"Shh, it's okay" he hushed. "You're fine, you're okay."
Jamie's walls are surely crumbling at this point, and only the two of them in the safe of Mint's home were the sole witnesses of it.
"Min, sobrang sakit. Akala ko kaya ko na, eh. Because he's there, living his life, fucking with other people. While I'm here, torn, miserable, feeling so fucking useless," Jamie says, not even shouting, just agonizingly elaborating his pain. "Sana gano'n lang kadali yung kapag ginago mabilis lang kalimutan."
"What... do you mean?”
“...”
“...”
"Niloko ako ni Yael…" Jamie confessed, shaking and sounding ashamed of what he went through. "Two months pa lang, Min. Dalawang buwan pa lang kami. Ang tanga lang. Ang bilis bilis ko palang palitan."
Before Jamie gave him the details, he thought he would be fine knowing what he's been up to when they parted. But listening to him cry silently in his hold, Mint's patience could only tolerate so much, pero hindi ito kasama doon. Kaya naman hinila niya pa lalo si Jamie papalapit sa kaniya. Their chests are already against each other as the older pours his heart out.
He thought, he had never seen the older this sad when they were still fooling around; kahit pa na may muntikan na siyang maibagsak na subject, he never did cry about it. He just went on and they’ve fucked around to soothe Jamie’s nerves.
And now, he's feeling a bit more than hurt and regretful thinking that he let this person go just to be shattered by some boy. He held him with care just for someone to easily break him.
If he just knew better...
"Baby, Jeym…" he called, still cradling and brushing his fingertips on the back of the smaller man's head. This gesture... he knew how this calmed the older before when they went too hard and Jamie went fuzzy. And he just wants to try if this will have the same effect as it did before, hoping it will somehow pacify Jamie's anxious mind momentarily. "Was he the reason why you stopped seeing me?"
"Hm," he felt a nod. By the hopes of calming the other down by talking, he was not, at all, ready to hear this. He had never anticipated the affirmation, neither was it freeing. It feels suffocating to learn a lot. Ang dami niya pa palang hindi alam kahit na palihim siyang nagmamasid. Sana hindi na lang siya nagtanong.
Pero hindi niya pwedeng isipin lang ang nararamdaman niya. Si Jamie muna—si Jamie palagi. So he swallowed whatever's clogging his throat to, at least, give a decent reply to him.
"I see," and now he doesn't know what to say anymore. Boy, was he so wrong thinking he'd be fine after knowing something. "You're fine, whatever it is that you said here, it's safe with me."
Few sniffles from the person on his lap, and he tried catching the taller's eye. When he failed to do so, he gently held his cheek for him to meet his. "Mint..."
"Hm?" he hummed, brows raised. Before, this look really does something to him, especially when he's particularly asking for his attention after the deed. Now, it just pains him because nothing has changed. He's still his same old Mint; the one he calls Min just because.
"I'm sorry," he whispered while looking straight at Mint's eyes, even if his vision is flooded with fresh tears. He means it, he really does.
"Ayan ka na naman. Bakit ka ba nagso-sorry, okay naman ako," he said, and although both of them knew there was a part lie in it, they felt no need to call it out.
“Mint, I’m really sorry… This is already too much of an inconvenience to you.” Jamie, still not done throwing apologies while wiping his already damped face.
“Shh, huwag mo akong alalahanin. Tend to yourself first, okay? You always put ‘you’ first,” he quietly reminded the other while helping him wipe the stray tears that were still falling from his tired eyes.
'Ang ganda pa rin,' Mint thinks.
For quite some time, it was only Jamie’s soft sobs and deep breathing that briefly resided in the silence of Mint’s home.
“Min,” he muttered, nuzzling his head in the comforts of the younger’s neck. It’s a bit odd finding relief in the presence of a person with whom he only shared heated nights, but he dared revel in it. “Thank you.”
"No worries," the other replied, rubbing circles on his bare skin. “That's who we are to each other, right?” he mumbled.
"Hm?"
"A temporary comfort,” he answered. “After all these, I know you’ll be just fine. And we’d probably stop being fools, and you’d settle.”
“And you?” he swallowed the bitter taste in his mouth.
“I don’t know,” he doesn’t know.
He honestly has not envisioned yet what and who he’s gonna be afterwards.
Because all of this will just pass them by. He has no place in Jamie’s life, and romance never had a place in between them—as dreadful as it may sound. He’s just meant to be Jamie’s temporary; a person he will meet along the way, and perhaps not one he’d settle with.
However, Mint wishes, somehow, that they wouldn’t end up just like that.
That there will be more for them. Something in store for them to look forward to in the future.
That is, if the future’s a bit kinder towards them, to Mint and Jamie.
But today, he won’t dwell on it further. He’s certain he’ll be around the corner if the older ever needs him.
“Min, could I use a nap?”
“You can sleep, Jeym, I got you.”
For now, they’ll just be Min and Jeym, old flames trying to revive what had been long doused.