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felix stared at the papers in front of him. divorce papers. had he done something wrong? had chris done something wrong he was keeping from felix? it wasn’t something he wanted to think of. he didn’t want to think of anything, in fact. he didn’t want to face the divorce papers he was staring at. he didn’t want to look up and see chris standing there. but he did.
felix lifted his head and looked at chris. he didn’t say anything for a few seconds, just searching the man’s face for any indication of what this was about. everything had been good, right? had it? maybe those glares from chris the past few days weren’t playful. maybe chris had been going to bed so late to avoid felix and not just because he had to work.
“I-I don’t understand,” felix stuttered, tripping over his words a bit. “i thought we were okay? we hadn’t…we didn’t fight or anyth-”
“we didn’t fight?” chris asked, total disbelief on his face. “felix, what are you talking about?” chris’s voice was shaky and unstable, as if he had been crying, as if the tear drops on the divorce papers weren’t a sign of his crying.
“we didn’t,” felix defended his statement. “i-i don’t think we did…if we were, i was being playful.” he didn’t cry. he didn’t even process everything enough to cry. the denial wasn’t allowing him to cry.
“what? you were clearly not being playful,” chris sighed and rubbed his face. “it doesn’t matter. we’re getting a divorce. i can’t…deal with this, felix. what you said was really hurtful and i just,” he looked down at his hands. “i don’t understand how i married you when that’s what you really think of me.”
felix froze. he sighed too and hid his face in his hands. “i don’t know what i said to you that made you feel like this, but..” felix closed his eyes. “we can divorce.” felix said after being silent for a while, struggling to get the words out. it was clear he didn’t want to divorce at all. chris was his everything. his happy moments and his sad ones. his empty moments and his full ones. his sun and his moon.
“okay.” chris said, watching felix reach for the pen. “you really don’t remember?” chris asked, grasping onto any bit of hope that felix didn’t really mean it, that felix didn’t think that low of him. that felix didn’t think he was “a stupid fucking whore who never can know his limits and who should just kill himself,” in felix’s words.
“no,” felix shook his head. “i don’t. i really don’t remember us fighting at all. or saying anything rude to you. what did i say?” felix asked, standing up now, just because he couldn’t be sitting down at a time like this.
“you…” chris sighed. “you said a lot of things, but the thing that hurt the most was probably when you told me i should…kill myself. and it wasn’t in the joking way you do sometimes. it was serious.” felix fell silent, just staring at chris with wide eyes before he finally spoke up.
“what?” he asked. “when did- i don’t…” felix teared up. “chris, i don’t think that at all. i don’t think anything negative about you, you’re my everything and i…” felix drew in an unstable breath. “i really don’t think i could ever say that to you. i’m not saying you’re lying, but.” he sighed and rubbed his face.
“but?” chris asked, looking at felix, a puzzled look on his face. “felix, is something happening i don’t know about?”
“i need to get tested for bpd.” felix said bluntly. “i had been noticing the symptoms for years, but this just..” he sighed. “i’m so sorry, chris. i really am. i am really really sorry, i don’t know why i would say that, regardless of what was happening.” he frowned and stared at the floor. “we can divorce. i’m not going to make you stay with me, especially with all of this. i shouldn’t have said that, even if i don’t remember it.”
chris he looked at felix and then at the papers. he grabbed them with one hand and used the other to lift felix’s chin up. “look at me, lix,” chris said in a gentle voice. he smiled softly when felix was looking and tore the papers after moving his hand away from felix’s chin. “we’re…we’re going to get through this. i understand this could be something that isn’t something you can fully control. we’re gonna get you testing and figure this out together, okay baby?”
felix just stared at chris as the paper scraps fell to the floor. he nodded and hugged chris tightly, crying into his chest. “we’re gonna-” he hiccuped. “figure this out.” felix agreed. “gods, i feel so horrible..” he pulled away a little. “i don’t think that at all. i don’t even remember fighting with you, i’m so sorry.”
“hey, no,” chris pulled away and sat on the couch, pulling felix down. “we both messed up. i should have came and spoken to you about this. it was just triggering for me, i suppose. if we can get you some sort of help, maybe we can prevent this kind of thing in the future, hm?”
felix nodded and wrapped himself around chris, hiding his face in the junction of his neck and shoulder. “i am really sorry, chris. i don’t want you to ever think i want something bad to happen to you or for you to do something bad to yourself. i also don’t want to get divorced, but i would have understood if you went through with it..”
“well, good thing i’m not, hm?” felix just nodded.
—————
“i don’t understand!” felix was pacing, trying to keep his head on. he did, indeed, have bpd. but with therapy and medication, he was slowly getting a handle on things. “i don’t understand why you went through my stuff— my text messages! —without asking me.”
“well,” chris also learned how to deal with his husband better. “it isn’t because i don’t trust you. i’ll say that right off the bat. i know you love me. but the reason was because you have a photo of us i don’t have and i wanted to find it. i don’t think you ever sent it to me, but i know you keep all your photos in your text messages. you always text that one number that has you blocked to save things. i didn’t ask you because you were sleeping. i’m sorry.” chris tried his best to explain, watching as felix slowly began to process everything and understand.
“so..you don’t think i’m cheating on you? because i’m not. i don’t love anyone like i love you and i certainly don’t have sex with anyone that isn’t you.” felix said, looking at chris.
“nope. i just wanted that photo of us at the beach.” chris confirmed. felix finally calmed down, nodding slowly. “okay…okay.” he whispered. “i’m sorry. i almost switched on you.” felix frowned. “i didn’t mean to. i’m sorry.”
“it’s okay.” chris reassured felix, pulling him over to the bed. “i’m glad you didn’t, i’d hate for you to be so mad at me.”
“i would too. i’m glad we worked that out and i didn’t tell you to do anything bad this time.” he pouted.
“me too, baby, and i’m glad i didn’t almost divorce you because we didn’t know you have a mental illness.” chris laughed a little. it had been nearly half a year since then. “we’re okay, baby. we’re okay.” he hugged felix tightly.
while it was hard to adjust, they made it work. chris was thankful felix tried his best and felix was thankful chris even stayed. and for a little while, everything was perfect, even if it wasn’t.