Chapter Text
Bode cannot say he enjoys dreaming. Most nights he just gets random flashes of memories and garbled junk of his day. But his most vivid dreams are always torture to him. They are often nightmares. The car crash. Prison. His worst mistakes played out in front of him on repeat in technicolor behind his eyelids where he cannot escape. But because his unconscious mind is an unkind thing, lately it has started to blend things together, make up new things to make Bode feel unworthy and guilty and miserable, made a captive audience to worst fears.
The dream starts off like a normal call. They arrive on scene and it’s a car fire and they realize they have no hand tools and Bode is frantic to put out the fire he starts to use his hands. He cries and begs for help, unable to stop the fire with just his hands, but no one is helping him. He turns and sees everyone standing there, judging him, telling him that the fire is his fault, that he is to blame, that he started it.
He looks back again to the car and realizes Riley is in the car and screams and begs and tries frantically to put the fire out and no one will help. They tell him to throw himself in the fire. That he is the one who deserves to burn and so he runs into the fire to get into the car.
And suddenly the dream shifts and he is on a car hanging over the ledge and instead of the boy Sam in the car with him it’s Gabriela and she’s crying and instead of his dad at the back it’s Manny and she’s panicking and Bode is trying to get Gabriela out of the car and she turns into Riley and then she’s his mom and then she’s Eve and then she’s Gabriela again except this time she’s cold and wet, like she was after she went in after him and Manny is screaming her name and Bode is trying to get her to him and he can’t and the car is slipping and they’re going down together. And the moment he hits the water he drops into his mother’s funeral and his dad is there and Jake is there and they start screaming at him about how selfish he is for keeping his kidney and then the room catches on fire and they won’t listen to him about it burning-
And Bode awakes gasping in his room in Three Rock, dripping in sweat, shaking. He can feel how wet his face is with sweat and tears shed while asleep. He can feel Freddy looking at him in the dark, but he can’t stand to talk about it, not right now. He doesn’t feel real, doesn’t feel human, so he stumbles out of bed and out into the cold night air.
He shivers the second the cold night air hits his skin and he hugs himself as the images and the sounds from the darkest corners of his mind haunt him and he stumbles on shaky legs over to the picnic tables and sits himself down gracelessly. He can still feel himself trembling, can still feel the fear and anxiety and guilt course through his veins as he sits there alone in the dark, trying to steady his breaths and find some peace of mind. He buries his head in his hands and tries to just calm down, tries to remember everything is okay. Or as okay as his life currently is.
“Bode?” he hears, the voice sounding muffled and far away.
Bode looks up and sees standing in the light from the cabin, none other than Manny.
“Manny?” Bode asks, mouth feeling like it’s full of cotton, tongue slow. “What are you doing here?”
Manny is looking over Bode with worried eyes, dressed in his casual post call clothes. It’s late. He should have been long gone by now, tucked up in his own bed.
“Writing up some reports I’ve been putting off,” Manny says, frowning, taking a few steps towards Bode. “Real question is what are you doing out here?”
Bode takes a moment to process what he is saying. Right, he is outside after dark. Maybe it’s a bad look. He knows the rules are far more relaxed at fire camp, but maybe they don’t want inmates running around after bedtime.
“Sorry, Cap. Needed some air for a moment,” Bode says, voice still shaking, making a move to stand up to go back inside. He doesn’t want to get anyone in trouble. That’s just like Bode, causing problems, only thinking about himself.
“Wait, no, hold on, Bode,” Manny says, holding out his hand, closing the distance to the table. “You’re fine. I’m just concerned.”
Bode sits back down, a bit clumsy. “Concerned?”
Manny nods. “Yeah, Bode. You don’t look like you’re having the best night, my friend.”
Bode snorts humorlessly, wiping his face, grimacing when he realizes how wet it is still. “Bit of an understatement.”
Manny sits down next to him, leaving a careful distance between them. “Yeah? Want to tell me about it?”
Bode sighs. “Not much to talk about.”
Manny looks at him like he doesn’t believe him. “Listen, I’m not going to push you. If you don’t want to tell me about it, I’m not going to force you. But you should tell someone. Whatever has got you looking like this,” Manny says, gesturing at all of Bode, his pale and disheveled appearance. “Whatever that it is, you can’t keep that bottled up. It’s not good for you.”
Bode feels a lump form in his throat and he has to look away, looking down at his clasped hands. “It’s just dreams.”
Manny sighs. “Dreams can be rough. Especially in a place like this. Especially in our line of work.”
“Yeah, but they’re not real,” Bode says, angry at himself for being this upset, this undone, getting up from the table.
“Listen, I can’t know what goes on in your head, Bode. Not unless you tell me. But I do know dreams feel real when they’re happening and I haven’t seen you this messed up about things in a while. It’s okay to not be okay,” Manny says, his words soothing, his voice kind and somehow that almost makes it worse. Bode’s skin itches.
Bode just wants to crumble. Bode wants to fall apart. He is tired and feels weighed down by his choices. Manny is here and his eyes are so kind and beautiful and he is so close Bode can almost feel the heat radiating off of him and Bode just wants to collapse into him and soak in the comfort he could find in his arms. He wants to just let go and let himself feel the pain and the disappointment and the raw storm of emotions in his chest, but he is confused at the space Manny has been putting between them, at the physical distance and boundaries Manny has erected. Bode thought they were more than captain and firefighter, he thought they were friends, maybe more, the tension underlying all their interactions so blatant even Freddy has shot him significant looks about it, Eve making a clever remark or two, but Manny hasn’t touched him in weeks.
Bode goes to reach out to Manny, to step into his space, to soak in the heat and comfort of his presence and almost too casually Manny jumps up and steps back and Bode’s heart fucking breaks.
“Are you mad at me?” Bode asks, voice shaking.
“What?” Manny asks, clearly surprised. “No, Bode. No. Why-what have I done to make you think that I’m mad at you?”
“Then why don’t you touch me anymore?” Bode asks. “Why do you always step away when I’m close? What is so wrong with me that you can’t stand to be that close to me?”
Manny looks sick. “Bode,” he says, voice quivering. “It’s not what you think. It’s not about you.”
“How can it not be about me? I’m the only one you avoid,” Bode says, feeling himself start to cry again, angrily swiping the tears away.
“Fuck,” Manny mutters, running a hand through his hair. “It’s me, Bode. It’s all me.”
Bode just looks at Manny. “I know,” he replies, miserably.
Manny looks a little manic as he shakes his head. “No, you don’t get it. It’s not disgust or disappointment in you. You’re fine. You’re perfect. I’m the problem.” Manny pauses, taking a deep inhale. “I’m explaining this all wrong. I don’t, no, I can’t touch you anymore because it wouldn’t be appropriate for me to.”
“What?” Bode asks.
Manny sighs heavily. “Look, I didn’t want to say anything because you’ve been doing so well. I am so proud of you and how far you’ve come and I don’t want to jeopardize a thing to do with your future-”
“I don’t understand,” Bode says, confused.
“It wouldn’t be professional for me to continue to touch you. It wouldn’t just be a captain and his subordinate. Not with you. And I can’t cross that line. I can’t let my feelings potentially sabotage your parole or your ability-”
“You have feelings for me?” Bode asks, hope suddenly flaring in his chest.
Manny closes his eyes like he’s been condemned. “Yeah,” he says, voice cracking. “Yeah, I do.”
“Oh,” Bode replies softly. The silence hangs in the air long enough for Manny to shift uncomfortably. “I thought you were upset because you found out that I had feelings for you,” Bode explains, looking at Manny.
Manny’s mouth drops open and his face flushes. “Oh.”
Bode laughs a little. “This is actually the best news I’ve gotten in a while.”
Manny snorts and laughs too.
Bode takes a step towards Manny, who backs up. “Look, I’m going to respect your decision. I wish you had told me.”
“You have more than enough on your plate without having to worry about my feelings,” Manny replies.
“Our feelings,” Bode corrects. “But I understand it.”
Manny nods. “I’m sorry I hurt you by not telling you. Is that why you’re out here?”
Bode shakes his head. “No. Ghosts of my past. Other things that just won’t leave me alone.”
“I’m always here if you need to talk. No matter what else, I need you to know that,” Manny says, taking half a step forward, looking like he wants to touch Bode so bad it hurts him.
“Just having you here is enough for now,” Bode replies.
“Then I’ll stay as long as you like,” Manny says, moving to sit at the table again. Bode sits next to him, as close as he can get without touching. He’ll tell Manny about his dreams one day. He’ll tell Manny about the fear that grips him and the insecurity. Just like one day he’ll hold his hand. But for now this can be enough. Bode hopes it can be enough.