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He remembers the curls like he’d had his hands buried in them just moments ago.
He remembers the eyes as if he was still staring into them.
He remembers the lips like he’d kissed them good morning just a few hours ago.
He remembers Leon as if he still had him in his life.
He remembers Leon like it was just yesterday that he saw him last, not the 2 plus years it has been really. He remembers the smile mostly and the warmth of him that radiated through everything, and the way he set Chris at ease with a simple touch.
He misses Leon more than he’d admit to anyone, even Leon. The pain of Leon leaving for Milan still making his chest ache more than it really should. His stomach clenches when he thinks of him, or when he catches a glimpse of him during a match, and his heart hammers against his ribs when he sees that smile directed at somebody else.
He wonders, as he laces up his boots, if Leon would be here today. If Leon would come. He wonders if Leon would want to be there when his career ends and he moves on from all of this. All of the training sessions and aching limbs and tense muscles. And the distance between him and his friends. And Leon.
It’s the final game of his career and he’s back where he’s always wanted to be since 2015. He’s back at Borussia Park and it still feels like home. The green still feels comforting to him and he smiles. He allows himself to smile as his teammates smooth down their jerseys and pull their socks up. He allows himself a few moments of calm in amongst the chaos of shin pads and gloves and he just breathes.
He hopes Leon is here.
It’s Max who sees him. It’s Max who draws that deep breath in next to Chris. Max who transferred back with Chris, Max who wanted to end his career with Chris where they met. Max who is playing his last game. And Max who knows.
Max has known all along about Leon. How Chris feels about him, how Chris was broken when Leon left Germany and how Chris has all but collapsed in the intervening years. It was Max who picked up the pieces and helped Chris to play on when he felt like he couldn’t. It was Max who filled the space that Leon had left, who was the friend that Leon wasn’t able to be.
But after it all, he still loves Leon and needs him as a friend. Although, he’s always been sure he needs him as so much more, but he’s never been able to voice the thought, not to Leon. Leon he could never tell. He was never quite able to take the risk with their friendship, but he wishes he had been to at some point. He wishes he’d been able to tell Leon just how much he loves him.
Which is why his heart flutters when he follows Max’s gaze and sees him, well, glimpses him through the crowds. It makes him inhale sharply and focus on the game, willing himself to play well, to say goodbye, to give the fans what they deserve for supporting him all those years ago. But he wills himself to show Leon that he can still do this.
He does. And after it he breaks. He breaks on the pitch just as he did all those years ago in Bochum, but this time it’s Max he’s hugging, not Leon, and it’s a sea of green and white instead of blue and white. It still feels the same though. It’s feels like leaving a home that would always be his and leaving a friend or lover that you never wanted to.
It feels like when Leon moved to Italy.
He breaks when Max pats his shoulder and presses a kiss to his cheek. He feels the tears come and he can’t stop them. Nor does he want to. He glances to the box where Leon was and the tears roll faster. He’s gone. Again. It feels like 2 years ago over again.
He’s trudging through the corridors, flowers in hand and cheers ringing in his ears, when he sees him. He’s standing quietly, cap pulled low over his face and hands in pockets. Chris wonders if he can still read Leon and that his body language is still the bravado he used to use in public, if it’s faked.
When he tips his head up as Chris stops before him he can see that it is. That Leon looks sad, that his lips are red and raw from where he’s been worrying at them with his teeth and that his eyes aren’t quite as bright as they used to be.
Chris can’t hold himself back and the flowers haven’t even hit the floor before he’s buried into Leon. He’s warm and smells the same. He’s strong and it feels like they’ve never been apart when Leon finally wraps his arms around him and squeezes. He squeezes like he never wants to let him go and Chris finally tells him.
It’s quiet but he knows that Leon has heard him through the rustling of his jacket and the heavy breaths that Chris is taking to stop himself from shedding more tears. He knows when the hands on his back grips into his jersey. He knows when Leon is whispering it back to him.
He breaks all over again.
**
It feels different when Leon is finally retiring. It feels different to be doing this away from Germany. It feels different to be doing this with Leon’s parents. And it feels different when Leon kisses him in full view of the world.