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Buck believes there are greater powers out there. Sure, no one can prove they exist, but they also can’t prove they don't exist you know?
So when the first mention of wills in a little over three years came about, he should have suspected the universe was trying to tell him something.
“You didn’t have an appointment with your lawyer to sue the department and get your job back right?” Buck asks Bobby over their cups of coffee. He had wanted to check in on Bobby, Athena, and Harry sooner, but, with the mentally exhausting shifts because of Gerrard and Bobby saying he had an appointment with his lawyer the last time Buck asked, they had pushed it back.
However, it made Buck really curious about why Bobby was having an appointment with his lawyer in the first place.
The older man gives him a you-can’t-be-serious look. “No, Buck. I did not take advice from an ambulance chaser and sued the department. I resigned myself if you remember.”
“I’m still upset about that,” Buck tells him, frowning. It was like the time Eddie transferred without telling him, and he’s still not sure which time he hates more.
“I’m sorry, Buck. A lot of things were going on, and it felt like the right decision at the time. I promise I’m working on being reinstated, and I won’t resign or retire without letting you all know.”
Buck nods. “But the lawyer?”
“I just had to make sure everything in my will was up-to-date.”
“Your will?” Buck parrots, surprised.
Bobby raises a brow at him. “Yes. My will. You know, in case anything happens to me?” He frowns. “You do have one right?”
“Of course I do!” Buck defends. After all his near-death experiences, of course, he’d have one. Not that he has much to will to people. Half of his meager savings will go to Maddie and Jee-Yun and the other will go to Eddie and Christopher. Easy.
“Then I don’t know what’s so surprising.”
“I don’t know. It’s…sudden, I guess? No one really talks about their wills.”
The last time he talked about a will with someone, Eddie had name-dropped him and told Buck he’d be Christopher’s guardian if anything happened to Eddie.
“It felt like the universe was telling me to double-check. I certainly didn’t expect the house to catch on fire and end up in the hospital on what could have been my death bed.”
“No dying,” Buck says automatically.
“I’ll try not to, kid.”
=================================
“What’s got you so pensieve?” Tommy asks later that day when they’re out grabbing dinner together.
“Wills,” Buck tells him, stabbing a piece of his steak.
Tommy raises a brow at him, and Buck sighs. Why are people doing that gesture so much today? Yes, he knows about wills. Yes, he has one.
“I have one,” Buck sighs. “It’s just…Bobby brought it up today and I can’t get it out of my head.”
“Is that so?”
“Yeah. No one really…talks about it, you know? Like, I know where my stuff is going if anything happens to me, but it’s not like I need to know if anyone is giving me stuff if anything happens to them. Granted, if it’s anything like Eddie’s, I’d like a heads-up.”
“What about Eddie's?”
“He made me Christopher's legal guardian if anything happens to him.”
Tommy's eyes widen, the most shocked emotion that Buck has seen from him to date. “Oh.”
“Yeah. Shocker right?”
There's silence. Then, “Actually, it's not.”
Tommy takes a bite of his meal, obviously collecting his thoughts. “Did you ask him to change it?”
“No,” Buck immediately says, confused about why he would do that. “Why would I? It's an honor and I'd do it in a heartbeat. Not that I want anything to happen to Eddie.”
“Alright.”
That wasn't the response Buck was expecting, but he doesn't say anything when Tommy doesn't elaborate.
=======================================
The call comes in two weeks after that strange conversation with Tommy.
“Evan Buckley?” the feminine voice says when Buck picks up his phone after he removes himself from Eddie's living room where his best friend is having a chat with Christopher. Buck is usually present for these calls, a request from Christopher until he’s less mad about his dad and can trust him again. If not Buck, it's one of the Diaz parents.
“That's me.”
“Mr.Buckley, this is Children's Services at Cedars. There's something we need to talk to you about.”
Buck frowns, confused. Children’s Services? It can't be because of Christopher, and he had just gotten a picture of Jee from Maddie less than thirty minutes ago.
“What is this about?” he asks, wary that it's a scam of some sort.
“I think it'll be better if we talk about this in person, Mr.Buckley.”
Alright. Not a scam then. “I can't be there right away. Is it okay if I come in in an hour or so?”
“That's fine, Mr.Buckley. We will see you later.”
Eddie gives him a questioning look when he enters the kitchen again, but Buck shakes his head right before he plops himself down on the couch, entering himself seamlessly into the conversation.
He'll tell Eddie later.
=======================================
Later doesn't come that day. Their conversation with Christopher took a little longer than usual, so Buck had to get to Cedars right after the call ended to arrive within the one hour he told the lady. He would have invited Eddie to go with him and explain on the way, but Eddie had plans with a mysterious new friend named Craig. The friend who's the reason why Buck hasn't seen Eddie much outside of work even when Buck wasn't spending time with his boyfriend. The friend who Eddie keeps talking about. The friend who apparently has a lot in common with Eddie.
Buck's not sure if he should be more concerned about the Children's Services call or the feeling in his chest about Eddie always spending time with this new friend of his. It's scarily similar to the feelings he had when Eddie had been spending all his time with Tommy.
Buck's not sure if he wants to delve into the reason why that's the case.
So he finds himself sitting in an office for Children's Services alone, fidgeting with his hoodie and waiting for the representative he talked to earlier to come in.
“Mr.Buckley,” a voice says when the door opens, making him spin around in his chair.
A kind-looking woman closes the door behind her, her graying hair tied back. In her hand is a file, the one he assumes he's here about.
“I'm Ms.Henriques,” she introduces herself, holding a hand out for Buck to shake. “We spoke on the phone earlier.”
“Yes. I'm Evan Buckley. I'm sorry it took me a bit longer than I assumed to get here,” he apologizes, shaking her hand.
“No worries, Mr.Buckley. We understand the call was sudden.”
“That's an understatement.” He braces himself. “So what's this about?”
Then, he listens to Ms.Henriques recount a car crash that happened last week, the state of the driver and his passengers, and how Buck comes into this.
He's a little shocked by the end of it. “So…Connor is in a coma that the doctors aren't sure if he's going to wake up from, Kameron is dead, and they listed me to be their son's guardian if anything happens to them, which this counts as.”
“Yes, that is the gist of it. Of course, you can decline-”
“I'll do it.”
It's probably an impulsive decision. He knows nothing about raising a one-year-old and he's going to have to give the child back to Connor when (not if) he wakes. Buck knows that the separation will kill him, but he also can't let someone else take care of the child that is a part of him.
Ms.Henriques blinks at his quick, sudden declaration. “Alright then, Mr.Buckley. Let's go over a few things then.”
===============================
Two hours later, Buck is carrying a miraculously uninjured child in his arms.
He also realizes he's entirely out of his depth.
He has the list of stuff provided by Children's Services about what he would need but, goodness, he doesn't know where to start.
He can't even get out of the parking garage because he doesn't even have a car seat!!!
So, he calls the first person he can think of who should have experience with this.
“Bobby!” he pleads as soon as the call is picked up. “I don't even have a car seat!”
His desperation agitates the already upset, frightened one-year-old in his arms. Buck gets it. The toddler, Aiden, was in a wreck that took one parent from him and had the other in the ICU. He was brought into the care of Children's Services until they could figure out what the arrangements for him were. Then, once he finally got settled, he's given to a complete stranger.
Buck would be scared too.
Heck, he's scared just holding Aiden and thinking about everything that he needs to do!
Then, on the edge of a nervous breakdown, he spews everything to Bobby who he knows is listening despite not saying anything.
“Stay right where you are kid,” Bobby says as soon as Buck finishes. “I'll be there soon.”
The next 39 minutes he spends sitting in his Jeep and getting to know little Aiden just so he doesn't have to think about anything else. Bobby will know what to do. Bobby can help.
It also has the plus side of relaxing him so the toddler doesn't pick up on it. That way, Aiden won't look so tense or so terrified of him.
And, fortunately, by the time Bobby's truck pulls up next to him, Aiden is happily clapping in his lap.
“Thank God you're here,” Buck says in relief as he goes to meet the older man, bringing the toddler with him. “I have no idea what I'm doing.”
Bobby opens the back of his truck, revealing a car seat and what looks like other items needed to take care of a toddler. “I've got you, kid.”
=========================================
“Sorry. You're doing what now?”
Two days after Buck had brought Aiden home, Tommy had come over to find Aiden playing on the mat Buck had put in front of the couch. Tommy had approached the toddler with apprehension but Aiden didn't seem to like him too much, the signs of tears coming as soon as the man got within five feet of him.
“Taking care of my toddler.” Then, after a beat, he amends. “Sperm donor toddler.”
Not that he's not seeing Aiden as his already. Two days in and he's already attached. It was going to be a horrible experience giving Aiden back to Connor.
“You donated your sperm to have a baby? Like you have a kid?”
Buck frowns. What was so hard to understand? “Yeah. My friend wanted to have a baby but there were some complications so he asked me to donate some sperm. Why are you so shocked?”
“You have a kid.”
“Yeah. I love kids. I've told you.” Then, staring incredulously at his boyfriend, Buck asks, “What is it to you though? You love kids too.”
It was one of the things they found they had in common. Cooking certainly Isn't. MMA fights certainly aren't. Heck, their interests don’t even fully align in the bedroom.
“Alright,” Tommy says with no room for argument. “Evan, we need to talk.”
Oh no. “About what?”
“The future.”
Buck freezes. It's not like he doesn't know that's something couples talk about. They're just not at that point yet. They haven't reached the ‘I love you’ point yet.
However, considering the topic at hand and the way Tommy is reacting to a still-playing Aiden, they should have this conversation before they get too deep into this.
“Loving kids doesn't mean you want one or have one, and, when I said I love kids, I mean when I can return them at the end of the day,” Tommy clarifies. “I do not want my own. Even just being a guardian of one.”
The word clues Buck into what this is about. “Wait. Is this about Eddie's will?”
“I definitely thought about it after you told me. As cool of a kid Christopher is, I don't want to be responsible for him as a guardian.”
“That's only if anything happens to Eddie which I hope not,” Buck reminds him. He knows where this is going though.
“In our line of work? Yeah, the chances are higher than most people. Eddie's been buried underground, shot, and stuck in a bridge collapse on top of however many concussions and broken bones he's gotten.”
“The will is a hypothetical situation.”
Tommy points at Aiden who's staring curiously at them now. “But this isn't. You gave your sperm to someone to have a kid. I had thought you love kids the way I do. No lifelong commitment, but that isn't it, is it?”
Tommy sighs, stepping into Buck’s space. “Maybe it never felt right to call you by your nickname because I don't know you well enough. And I guess it goes both ways. So here's how I envision the future. A home that might or might not be in L.A.. No children, not even sperm donor ones that I'm not responsible for. No marriage because it's just a piece of paper.”
Yep. It is going the way Buck thought it would.
Maybe, if they got to know each other better and learned to love each other, Buck could tolerate not having a marriage as painful as it would be, as insecure as it would make him feel (yes he knows he can be insecure thank you very much). He might even be willing to move. But looking at Aiden now and thinking about the joy that the toddler has brought these last two days, Buck can't imagine not having children he can call his own instead of his friends’ or sister's.
He knows that's his bottom line. As much as his bisexuality is a part of him, his want for children of his own is too, and he's not going to bury that part of him now that he's aware of it.
“I really want children,” Buck admits. He won't force the idea on Tommy, but he will let the man know where he stands.
“Then we're on different pages about the future.”
“Yes.”
Tommy steps back. “It was good knowing you, Buck.”
===============================================
Eddie shows up the next day when Buck is trying to coax Aiden into taking a nap. Buck had sort of expected it at that point. He’d taken off the last two shifts, gone almost radio silent, and told no one except Bobby why.
“It’s just a nap, Aiden,” Buck tries with the fussing one-year-old. The toddler is pouting, blue eyes filled with tears, and Buck is totally at a loss about what to do.
It’s been all about the ups and downs with Aiden. He’s confident the toddler loves him, always eager to cling and babble at him. On the other hand, he never knew how fussy one-year-olds are when it comes to eating so it’s been trial and error there.
Actually, there’s been a lot of trial and error. Or just error.
Like the sleeping issue. Or lack thereof.
Buck has to wonder if, somewhere in Aiden’s brain, the toddler knows what happened to his parents, and it’s scaring him. That would explain why Aiden has been having trouble sleeping.
Buck doesn’t know, and Bobby’s not sure either. He can’t bring himself to check parenting forums, though. He’s tired and feels like a total failure. How can he love children but be so terrible with them?
Then, the doorbell rings, finally setting Aiden off, wailing and tears rolling down his chubby face.
Buck groans internally. He’s doing terribly. He wants to cry. He has to admit he’s nearing the end of his ropes. So, when he opens the door to reveal Eddie holding a bag of something, Buck is ready to plead and beg and cry all in one go for his best friend to help.
It must show on his face, too, because Eddie’s surprised expression morphs and he’s immediately putting down the bag in his hand to take Aiden.
Buck’s reaction is to warn Eddie that Aiden doesn’t take well to strangers, but he gapes when, seconds later, Aiden goes quiet, peering up at Eddie, eyes curious and still wet but no longer crying.
“Hello, chico. What’s got you so upset, huh?” Eddie murmurs to Aiden, supporting the child just like Bobby had taught Buck, and Aiden latches onto Eddie like a koala.
“Traitor,” Buck accuses the toddler but runs a hand down his back as Aiden finally starts to doze off. “But that’s okay. I like him too. Those arms really make you feel safe don’t they?”
Buck grins when Eddie rolls his eyes, feeling lighter with his best friend here.
Five minutes later, Aiden is tucked into bed, and Buck heaves a sigh of relief. “Thank you,” he tells Eddie.
“It’s fine. But I will say, what’s with the secrecy? Here I was thinking you were sick, but it turns out you’re taking care of a baby-”
”Toddler,” Buck corrects. “He’s one. Toddler.”
“Toddler. You are taking care of a toddler. So, care to explain? He’s a little too young to be a product of your 1.0 days. His age would align closest to Taylor, but we would have known if she got pregnant. Did you decide to foster suddenly?”
”I wish. At least that way, I’d have been prepared and not stumbling over my feet. Heck, if they had just told me they put me down to take care of Aiden if anything happened to them, at least I’d be mentally prepared. Like, you told me about your will. Why couldn’t they have told me about their arrangements?” Buck sighs. This isn’t about Eddie’s will. It’s about Aiden. He’s getting off track. “Remember Connor and Kameron?”
Eddie gives him his best what-do-you-think look.
”Well, Kameron’s dead, and Connor’s in a coma. They wanted me to take care of Aiden if anything happens to them, and this situation counts.”
“As for the secrecy,” Buck shrugs. “My decision to donate my sperm was kinda questionable. I guess I wanted to get my footing before the questions started. I just didn’t realize how crazy everything would get. Bobby knows of course, and I’ve been asking him question after question. Like, do toddlers not like carrots? Don’t toddlers sleep through the night? Is he traumatized and no one knows? Why don’t I need to toddler-proof the top cabinets? Did he walk and I missed it because I swear Aiden moved two feet from where I left him for a second? Did he swallow something he wasn’t supposed to? Do I-“
”When was the last time you slept properly?”
Buck blinks, trying to process what Eddie asked. Then, “I don’t know.”
”Sleep,” Eddie commands, shuffling Buck around and pushing him up the stairs. “No one knows what they’re doing with kids, but you’re not going to get anything right if you’re dead on your feet. I’ll keep watch.”
”Don’t you need to go see Craig or something?” Buck asks, unable to keep the hurt from his voice. Sue him, he’s tired.
“I can reschedule with him. But right now, my priority is getting you into bed and calling in reinforcements.”
Buck opens his mouth to protest but Eddie cuts him off.
“It takes a village to raise a kid no matter how long it’s for. I’d know.”
Then, Buck finds himself in his bed, and his eyes start closing almost immediately.
“You’ve helped me for years with Christopher. It’s time I return the favor.”
“‘ere’s no ne’ for tha’,” Buck slurs, hoping to convey the message. “‘mily.”
Judging from the smile he catches on Eddie’s face right before he falls asleep, Eddie gets it.
============================
When he wakes up from his impromptu nap, it’s dark outside and there’s something cooking based on the smells and sounds from downstairs.
Buck slowly gets up, getting his bearings. He feels more relaxed than he has since having Aiden in his care, his mind feels clearer and he feels more like himself.
Goodness, three days in, and he’s already exhausted. He loves Aiden but he’s going to have to find a balance. He doesn’t think it’ll be possible to find something consistent for the toddler to eat, but he should at least figure out ways to get him to sleep.
Okay, deep breaths. Think. Don’t panic.
First, see how Eddie’s doing. As much as his best friend’s cooking skills have improved, it’s better safe than sorry. He would like to not burn down the loft, especially with Aiden in it.
The moment he sets eyes on the kitchen though, he realizes he shouldn’t have worried. Eddie looks like he just ransacked the fridge for leftovers and had brought the plates out to put equal proportions of the food he found onto them. Something is already in the microwave, and Eddie is tending to Aiden who looks overjoyed at whatever Eddie is feeding him.
“What are you feeding him?” Buck asks, curious, when he finally reaches them. “Because he was in a strawberry phase yesterday, but he refused them this morning.”
”Avocado and banana,” Eddie says, not taking his eyes off of Aiden, who’s graduated to laughing.
The fond look Eddie is giving the toddler warms Buck’s heart, flipping it in the process.
“How’d you know he’d like it?”
”Intuition? I don’t know. Just a feeling I had.”
”What can’t you do, Eddie Diaz?”
”Get my son to talk to me, apparently.”
Buck grimaces. “Sorry.”
He can’t fathom what it’s like to have your son walk out on you. Buck’s only had Aiden for three days and the idea of being apart from him is making him miserable. If he had to raise him for years and have him walk out on Buck? Brutal. No wonder Eddie has been relatively desolate.
Eddie sighs. “It’s fine. It was my fault. I can’t change what's happened. I just have to hope he decides to initiate a conversation and not decide on never returning.”
”Christopher loves you, Eddie. He’ll be back.”
The grateful, small, sad smile from Eddie makes Buck’s heart hurt for his best friend.
“Oh, Maddie’s coming over after work, by the way, and Chim and Jee are coming with her,” Eddie tells him, effectively changing the subject. “Bobby and Athena have already been by, and Hen said she’ll come by this weekend with Karen. I wasn’t sure if it was my place to tell Tommy, so I didn’t.”
”Tommy knows,” Buck tells him. “He came by yesterday, and we had a talk about it. Then we broke up.”
Eddie’s eyes widen, surprise clear on his face. “Are you okay?”
The fact that Eddie doesn’t say he’s sorry is the reason why Buck will always go to Eddie for comfort. The man knows Buck doesn’t want pity or hovering, unlike the rest of their family.
“Yeah. We were just on different pages about the future. He doesn’t want kids, and I definitely want them.”
Frowning, Eddie muses, “I thought he likes children. He liked Christopher enough.”
“That’s what I thought too, but he likes them only if he can give them back. But I really want kids like it’s an integral part of me. It feels right, you know?” Buck gestures to Aiden. “That’s probably why I agreed to donate sperm to begin with.”
Buck freezes, covering Aiden’s ears to the confusion of the toddler. “Oh no. Should I be saying things like that around him?” He asks Eddie. “Sperm. What if his first word is ‘sperm’?”
Eddie snorts. “I think you’re good, Buck.”
“But Eds-“
They bicker (which amuses Aiden greatly) until Maddie shows up with her husband and daughter.
It’s so normal and familiar he finds himself relaxed even when Maddie interrogates him.
And, if he watches Eddie with Aiden out of the corner of his eye, the sight lighting something up in Buck and rousing another piece of him that’s so integral he finds it hard to believe he never noticed before, he doesn’t tell anyone.
======================
His family takes Buck taking care of Aiden in stride with minimal teasing.
“I’m surprised he’s so quiet. He’s part you.”
”You all are seeing toddler Buck right now because Aiden looks just like him at that age.”
“I never knew those baby blues could look any better than on you.”
“He's more well-behaved than you.”
Aiden loves the attention once he's gotten to know everyone, but he particularly takes to Maddie and Eddie like a fish in water. Bobby honestly looks disappointed by the development but Buck is sure the man is a close third on the toddler's list even if it's only because Bobby bribes him with toys.
Buck, for the record, is delighted and amused. He'd never say it out loud and everyone in the 118 is important to him, but Maddie and Eddie have a special place in his heart. They're his favorite people, and Aiden picking them out as favorites has Buck wanting to say “he's definitely my son.”
He can't though. Shouldn't. That was the agreement after all.
But a week turns into two. Then, two turns into four, and Connor hasn't shown signs of waking up. Buck feels horrible for even thinking about it, but there's a part of him that wants Connor to be in a coma for a little longer just so he'd get to keep Aiden for a little while longer.
It'll make the inevitable separation a lot harder, of course. He knows it. It's hard enough when he has to leave Aiden to a caretaker or Bobby to go to work but to let him go back to his family? Buck's already gotten too attached not to cry over it for a few days.
Also, having Aiden around makes Eddie be around more, and Buck is selfish. He has the best of both worlds now (minus the gaping hole in his chest reserved for Christopher). If Aiden leaves, Eddie won't be around as often, and Buck will be alone again.
He wants to keep Eddie to himself at the very least.
But he can't. Even now.
“Hey, I’ve got to go. I have to go meet up with Craig,” Eddie says, standing from where they're playing with Aiden.
Buck's heart clenches. Eddie comes around a lot now, but he's still meeting with Craig frequently. Every time Eddie leaves to go meet his friend, Buck wants to beg him to stay; he doesn't want Eddie to go.
But every time, Buck just forces a smile and sees Eddie off, forcing himself to not look too deeply at his feelings.
This time, though, after a joyful day with a call with Christopher and seeing Eddie's face light up in the afternoon sun, he doesn’t think he can ignore those feelings any longer.
Because Buck was definitely thinking about kissing Eddie.
===============================================
“I got it all wrong.”
His sister is the best, setting down a mug of hot chocolate for him. He had shown up at her door early in the morning, Aiden clinging to his front. One look at him had Maddie taking the toddler from him and foisting him onto Chimney before ushering Buck into the kitchen and immediately setting about making hot chocolate. “And what would that be?”
”I thought I was jealous of Eddie for getting Tommy’s attention, but it was the other way. I was jealous of Tommy for grabbing so much of Eddie’s attention.”
”And how did you come to this conclusion?”
Buck sighs, sipping at his mug. He doesn’t know what the secret is, but Maddie always makes the best hot chocolate. “He has this new friend, right? Craig. And it's like Tommy all over again. He keeps on meeting up with this guy, saying how much they have in common. Every time he does it, this ugly feeling in my chest comes out.”
He’s jealous. He’s pining. He really likes Eddie.
Hell, he’s probably in love with Eddie.
The irrevocable, unconditional kind of love.
Because he keeps thinking about it. A house that feels like home. Eddie with a child in his arms. Their child in his arms. Waking up next to Eddie for the rest of his life. Kissing Eddie. Cooking meals for his family. Growing old with Eddie.
He thinks about how he never gets tired of Eddie, how he knows all of Eddie's cues and vice versa, how he seeks out Eddie everywhere, how Eddie is often on his mind.
He thinks about what Tommy had said about a home away from L,A., and Buck feels confident that he would follow Eddie anywhere. And, if Eddie chooses Buck, he doesn’t think he’d be insecure about not having a paper saying they’re married.
Because it’d be Eddie.
But why would Eddie ever pick Buck even if Eddie isn’t straight? They’re best friends. They share a lot, but they don’t have too many interests in common. Compared to Tommy or Craig, their interests are very different.
Buck would do anything to fix that if that meant getting Eddie’s attention, but it’s too late now, isn’t it?
Stupid Buck. Stupid feelings.
He sorta wants to cry at the lost chance.
Maddie’s fingers card through Buck’s curls, sending him back to when he was small and Maddie was his safe place in the world.
Since those times, he’s found another next to Eddie.
“I love him, Mads,” he confesses. “And he’d never feel the same.”
“Oh, Evan.”
He might be taller and broader than her now, but the hug she gives him brings the same amount of comfort it did when his biggest worry was how to get his parent's attention and love.
In a way, he's back to square one. Buck might have gotten over his need for his parents’ love and attention, but, now, he wants the love and attention of his best friend, his partner, the man he loves.
At least he still has Maddie and her hot chocolate.
==============================================
Another month passes with Buck taking care of Aiden, hoping Bobby gets the captain’s seat back ASAP, and pining over Eddie.
He thinks it’s going fine. He’s gotten a good grasp on all of Aiden’s cues, and he’s stopped going into a full-blown panic every time something out of the norm happens. He has video evidence of Aiden’s first steps, and, overall, Buck feels good about his abilities to take care of the toddler.
As for Bobby’s reinstatement, it seems to be going smoothly. Bobby helps with Aiden more often than not since he’s unemployed, so Buck gets constant updates on the whole thing.
Then there's the pining…
Buck is apparently really good at it. He melts every time he sees Eddie having so much fun with Aiden. His heart skips a beat whenever he gets Eddie to laugh. He daydreams about Eddie. He dreams about Eddie. He wants to hold Eddie close and never let go.
He can't stop thinking about how Eddie's probably his perfect fit, like a Goldilocks situation. Everyone else had been too much or not enough for him, but Eddie is just right. Just perfect.
He only hopes his pining isn't too obvious, but it's hard when Eddie comes over to help Buck and to play with Aiden so much. Besides Bobby, Eddie is the one who comes over the most for the toddler.
So it's not surprising that Eddie would be there when the toddler gets sick, making Buck a bundle of nerves again. It's also the same time the first signs of words come out of Aiden's mouth.
“B-bah,” the one-year-old stumbles, giving Buck the saddest look Buck has seen from him. It's just the common fever, the doctor had said, but it's still making the toddler miserable and clingy. Aiden's been crying more these last two days and has just gotten done with another round. Buck wishes he could take it instead, but that's not how life works. All he can do is fret, make sure Aiden takes all the medicine he needs, and try to coax the toddler into eating.
But instead of cooing over Aiden this time in hopes that he'd feel better, Buck’s eyes widen as he processes what Aiden just did, staring at the toddler in his lap and then turning his gaze to Eddie. That didn't sound like babbling. That sounded like it could be a word.
“He just…” Buck says, awed.
Eddie gives him a fond smile. “I think we’re getting a first word soon.”
Buck sucks in a breath. Eddie using ‘we're’ is doing something to his heart. On one hand, it gets his heart fluttering as hope rises. Maybe Eddie does see a future with Buck, with them being more than just two best friends raising Aiden together until Connor wakes up. Like it's possible for them to do this again with another child, with their child. On the other hand, it’s heart-wrenching because Buck knows he's probably reading too much into it. He knows he's reading too much into it. Eddie doesn't mean it that way, doesn't mean it in the way Buck wishes he meant it.
But it's too much for his poor, yearning heart that already wants to throw itself at Eddie whether the man wants it or not. It's too much in the face of the stress he's been under with work and Aiden being sick.
“I wish you'd pick me,” he blurts out, hugging Aiden to himself, trying to soothe the already tired and quiet toddler to sleep. “I really want you to pick me because I'd pick you in a heartbeat.”
Buck forges on, a month's worth of realized feelings (because he's sure his feelings for Eddie aren't new) and pining spilling out. “I don't like that you're always with Craig. I want you to stay here. I want you to spend more time with me even without Christopher or Aiden. I want you to look at me and not your new friend. And it's stupid because you're allowed to have friends but I wish I had more common interests with you because-”
He takes a deep breath, readjusting his hold on Aiden when the toddler wiggles around and latches onto Buck's neck. “I want you to pick me.”
There's silence, and Buck's already active nerves multiply tenfold. Oh, why did he do that?
Then Eddie opens his mouth and says, “Buck…Craig isn't my friend. Not exactly. We have a lot in common, yes, but he's my therapist.”
Buck blinks, the knowledge Eddie just dropped a shock to his system. Then he blinks again, trying to conjure up the memory of Eddie ever saying Craig is his therapist but coming up blank. “What?”
There's a hint of a smile on Eddie's lips like he really wants to laugh at Buck. “He's my therapist, Buck.”
“I thought…Didn't you see Frank?”
“Well, I did until I thought about you seeing Dr.Copeland instead of a department shrink. Figured I'd take a look at other options. And Craig is much better than Frank so far.”
“So you've been going to therapy almost every day?”
“Yeah.”
“B-but, why didn't you tell me?”
“I blew up my own life, Buck. I couldn't ask you to fix it. Besides, you were still navigating your relationship with Tommy. I didn't want to worry you. Or be a burden.”
“You're never a burden.”
“I know that's what you think. Hence why I didn't tell you.”
Buck pouts, an expression that Aiden has picked up on somehow in the short time Buck's had the toddler in his care. “Should've told me anyway. I would have helped.”
No one would make him prioritize Eddie less.
…It's a wonder how he didn't notice his feelings for his best friend sooner.
“We can agree to disagree.” Then, Eddie scouts closer to Buck so that they're pressed together from shoulder to knee. Aiden looks at Eddie, probably contemplating moving but ultimately stays with Buck. “But care to elaborate on why you’re jealous of Craig?”
Buck blushes “No.”
“But if I want to hear it?”
Looking at Eddie, Buck can tell the man means it. And, if his eyes aren’t deceiving him and his brain not making things up, Eddie looks hopeful.
“You know why I'm jealous,” Buck gently accuses.
“But I want to hear it from you.”
Buck gulps. Is he really going to do it? What if he's looking into this too much? “What if you don't feel the same?”
Eddie brushes a hand against Buck's thigh. “I think the reason I clicked with Craig is because he's so similar to me. Raised in a Catholic home, laden with expectations…But he got through it and now he's happily married to his husband and they have three kids together.”
Buck can hear the implied ‘interpret that however you want’’ and Buck wants.
“I don't want to just be Christopher's guardian if something happens to you,” he admits. “I want to be his second parent. I want a family, a home with you. I want a future with you. I love you, and it kills me whenever you spend so much time with someone else because I want to be them. I want to have your love and attention.”
“You always have it,” Eddie promises, “Even before I realized my feelings for you, you did. And I want yours too. Heck, I made you Christopher's guardian in my will. I basically staked my claim on you so you'd never fully be someone else's. You'd always have to remember me.”
“I could never forget you,” Buck promises. Then, he cautiously and hopefully parrots, “Feelings?”
“I love you too.”
He beams, heart beating a mile a minute. There’s a part of him that can’t believe it, can’t believe Eddie picks him, but the bigger part of him that’s been pining for so long is ecstatic.
“I so want to kiss you, Eds. Like I really, really want to kiss you. But…” he trails off, glancing down at Aiden, who is peeking out at them, teetering on the edge of sleep but not quite there yet.
“That's an easy fix,” Eddie tells him before gently cupping Aiden's eyes (whose protest of “dee” goes largely ignored) and leaning over to press a kiss to Buck's lips.
And, yes, it's definitely perfect.
He will have to thank the universe later for nudging him in the right direction. Without Bobby bringing up wills, Buck would never have thought about Eddie’s and talked about it with Tommy. Without Connor and Kameron’s decision to put Buck in their will, Buck never would have realized how essential having children is to him and make him break it off with Tommy. Without his breakup, he might have never dared to think about his feelings for Eddie and how much he wants Eddie.
And where would he be now without realizing he loves his best friend?
Certainly not making out in front of a toddler and feeling an eruption of butterflies in his stomach, fireworks in his blood, and wanting so much more.
Then Aiden starts crying again.
Buck pulls back, a small huff of laughter being pulled out of him. “Is this what it’s like to have a child underfoot?” he asks with a smile on his face as he tries to soothe Aiden again.
“Well, as I said, it takes a village. And sometimes it’s just so you can get said child out of the house.”
”I like the sound of that.”
Eddie smirks then his face morphs into one of fondness. “You’re very good with them though. Children. You’re made to be a parent, Buck.”
”We are,” Buck corrects, dropping a kiss on Aiden’s head as the cries start to quiet down again. “You know, I imagined it. Being with you, raising a kid together. Or two. Or three.”
”I like the sound of that,” Eddie whispers in Buck’s ears, leaning his forehead against Buck’s temple. “Let’s look into it.”
Buck’s heart swells. They haven’t even been on a date yet (officially, that is). They haven’t talked about what Christopher will think. They haven’t talked about what they’ll need to do for work (wait for Bobby to return first but what about after). They don’t know how long Aiden will be with them.
But talking about the future feels right.
This is his family, the one he built. The universe might have put the possibility in front of him, but he was the one who made something out of it. And Buck thinks he can take it from here.
Because the universe might nudge them in the right direction or present them with the choices, but, in the end, it’s the people who choose and act.