Chapter Text
Chris fell asleep while Buck drove them home.
Eddie tucked him in bed while Buck watched, with his crutches tucked under his arms. It should've been a strange sight, such a big man holding two bright red crutches with a hopelessly soft look on his face.
It should've been, but it has never been strange. Since the day Buck drove him to Chris’ school to pick him up after the earthquake, it should've been strange. But it wasn't, and slowly the lines between coworkers and family blurred. Maybe the line was never there between them.
Buck made himself a place in his family and Eddie has welcomed him since the first day.
He was careful in letting people close, even more cautious in choosing who he allowed to come close enough to get attached to his son. Never with Buck, though. With him, Eddie never hesitated to ask for help, since the first time he extended his hand. He never hesitated to take the first step with him, maybe because somewhere, he knew Buck would take three steps in return, or even if he didn't, it would be okay.
But this time, Eddie is the one who takes the three steps, and hopes that Buck can take one towards him.
Maddie's thinly masked fear only adds to his own as he speeds to Buck's loft. He stays on the call, a wordless agreement between them till he reaches Buck.
They're used to getting people help from just a call. Of stepping in, at possibly the worst days of their lives and helping them out of whatever problem they're in. It's what they do as first responders.
But this is different. This isn't a 9-1-1 call and they are not helping a stranger.
Eddie is driving to Buck. He has an importance in helping him, one he doesn't realise yet. As he enters the parking lot, Eddie has analysed any possible scenario he could find his best friend in, or he thinks so.
As he steps into the elevator, all the composure he has tried to gain, vanishes. The key to Buck's loft feels heavier in his pocket as removes it with shaky fingers.
The elevator opens with a soft ding, and in a few steps, Eddie stands at Buck's door. He wipes his sweaty palms on his jeans and decides to knock first. Buck doesn't answer.
“Break the door, Eddie. Don't wait for him.” Maddie cries.
“I have a key. I'm going in, alright?” He twists the key and pushes the door open. “Do you know where he is?”
“I don't know… check the kitchen, maybe.”
“Okay.”
He takes a deep breath before walking into the kitchen. There's a covered container on the countertop, and the entire place smells sickly sweet. He can't see any desserts that would smell like that.
Eddie puts his phone on speaker on the countertop, and opens the fridge to check for the source but it's empty. It looks like it's been emptied and cleaned thoroughly. There isn't any leftovers, or even stale food. What has Buck been eating?
“He isn't in the kitchen, Maddie.” He looks at the coffee table and spots a bouquet of dried flowers. “There's some dried flowers, but the whole place smells so nauseatingly sweet.”
She takes a shuddering breath and then he hears Hen's voice.
“Eddie, check the apartment, now.” She instructs in her paramedic voice.
He picks up his phone from the countertop, but ends up knocking the covered container, full of… cherry blossoms.
“There's a lot of cherry blossoms here, Hen.”
Eddie feels like he's in the fighting ring again. He is in the few moments before he gets the life punched out of him. The impact hasn't hit him yet, but his opponent has already taken a swing in his direction. He doesn't feel the pain yet, but he knows he's going to.
“Eddie, just find Buck, please.”
He remains in those few moments as he hears the strength in Hen's voice melt into desperation. But he knows the punch is headed his way, he can't duck or even move until it hits him. There's no easy way out of this. He has to take the pain and then move on.
“Does he have Hanahaki?” Eddie nearly forgets how to breathe as he waits for her answer. “Tell me Hen, you have to tell me. Does he have it?”
Hen remains silent and he gets his answer.
The wind gets knocked out of him as realisation hits him like a sucker punch.
He drops the phone on the counter with a clatter and kneels down on the floor. Up close, the cherry blossoms don’t look any different. He picks a small bud with trembling fingers and puts it in the container.
One by one, Eddie fills the container back up again. There’s petals, buds and a few blossoms, but it is filled to the brim. He couldn’t say how long he’d been staring at the container and the cherry blossoms. The fact that these flowers were in Buck’s lungs and tore their way out of him sits like a bitter taste in his mouth.
Hanahaki Disease is caused by a one-sided love, the pain of this one-sided love causes you to grow flowers within your lungs and they will crawl their ways through your throat. The feeling is unbearable. It'll start off as petals, then turn into a bud, and end as a full blossoming flower.
Buck loves him?
Eddie leans against a cabinet as reality washes over him. He pulls his knees to his chin and rests his head against them. For a moment, his mind goes blank. He can’t hear, think or do anything. Then conversations start replaying in his head and things click into place.
“Buck knows how to give. He gives all that he has and more, but he doesn't know how to take what he wants. He struggles with asking for what he needs.”
“You have to show him that it's okay to talk about it. That this isn't off limits.”
“Buck will take three steps forward if you take one. But he won't do that unless he knows you're willing to walk with him in the first place.”
“I don't wanna fight anymore.”
“I'm tired of being mean with you.”
“Fix it later?”
“Sure.”
“What's happening, Buck?”
“I miss us, Eds. I'm sorry about everything. And I'll do whatever it takes to fix it.”
“I'm not complaining, you have lives, I'm just glad I get to be a part of them.”
“You're not alone, okay? I want to have your back. If getting in the dirt with you is how I have to do it, then I will. You can't make that choice for me.”
“I was trying to not be selfish for once. To not be exhausting, Eddie. I was sucking it up and dealing with it on my own.”
“It's always been me against the world. How was this time any different?”
“You had your own problems, Eddie. You were dealing with them, with the lawsuit, I became one of them, and… you did what you knew best, you dealt with it.”
“I should've given you time to sit with your hurt, to process it.”
“I needed time, yes, but I should've been kind about it.”
“I trust you, and I'll wait... as long as you need me to.”
“We have time, right?”
“Plenty.”
“We'll make it work.”
“You’ll be okay.”
(Not we’ll be okay.)
“We can go to the zoo together.”
“We can go this Saturday.”
“Tomorrow.”
“The universe works beyond our understanding, Eds. How it decides how many years someone gets to live, I don't know. But it does, and we find a way to live with it.”
“A cherry blossom? Where’d you get it?”
“Grew it myself.”
“What does it mean?”
“This flower can mean many things, and it can have a different meaning for us too.”
“What do you want it to mean?”
“You’re a good parent and an amazing partner, Eds. And whenever I can’t say that to you, look at this flower, and you’ll know.”
Buck loves him and it’s the greatest thing in the world.
But the worst part about it is that he doesn’t know that Eddie loves him too. All this time Buck suffered wordlessly besides him, with a smile on his face, and he didn’t know. They worked shoulder by shoulder but there was miles of distance between them at the same time.
Eddie always feels stupid after realising he's broken everything around him. He isn't a stranger to the regret that hits him in the moment after his rage takes over him.
When he's blinded by anger, it feels right to just take, and take, and take. It feels correct to rip everything apart. But being angry at Buck? It felt unnatural even when he was doing it. Eddie may have clued it to some stupid reason at the time, but never for a second did it feel right. That should've been his first sign to stop.
But because he's a moron, he didn't stop it right there. When he was busy being mad about the lawsuit and distancing himself over a stupid argument, Buck was being tormented by these ruthless cherry blossoms, just for loving him. All his rage felt pointless now. God, why was he even mad in the first place?
Tears prick his eyes and his face feels hot. His clothes are too tight and everything in the world is wrong. How could he fuck up so terribly?
“Eddie?” Hen’s voice echoes in the empty apartment. “Are you okay?”
He raises his arms and gets his phone from the countertop. Wiping his face with his sleeve and sniffling a little, he speaks into the phone.
“Buck has Hanahaki because of me. How–” A sob tears through him. “How am I meant to be okay with that?”
His best friend loves him, so much that he's grown, fucking cherry blossoms because of it.
“Go tell him you love him. It’ll be okay.” Hen encourages. “We’ll be there soon, okay? Karen’s with Chris, don’t worry about him.”
“What if it’s too late, Hen?I can’t– I don’t know what to do if it is.”
Eddie didn't let himself consider that he's too late when he let himself into Buck's apartment. He thought that whatever it was, he would handle it. Now, it doesn't seem that easy.
It's not easy when he knows he is the reason Buck might be–
He's not thinking about it. At all. He refuses to even think the possibility into existence, as if that will make it impossible.
Eddie is not a religious man, by any means. The last time he had prayed was in the sands of Afghanistan as he floated between life and death. Even then, he prayed with his son’s picture in his bloody fingers and his St. Christopher medallion. He prayed for a second chance, to be a better father and a better husband.
Now, Eddie prays for Buck. He doesn't know how to, he usually has one foot in the grave when he thinks of God. He does it anyway, because if he buries Buck, he won’t walk away alive. He’ll live, with half a heart and a cracked soul, because the parts that don’t belong to Christopher will be six feet under.
“Get up, and find him. Be brave, Eddie. If not for you, for Buck, he deserves it.”
Buck deserves it.
Buck deserves the fucking world. He deserves the moon, the stars, and the entire galaxy if he wants it, and more. There is nothing that he could want that Eddie would not try his hardest to bring for him. The intensity of the emotions he feels, should scare him. Hell, they do scare him a little. But what's a little fear in front of saving Buck.
Eddie is not a religious man, but he prays for the strength to give Buck what he deserves.
“I love him so much.” Eddie cries as he stands up, with weak knees.
Buck deserves to know he is loved, even though it's a universal fact. He deserves to listen to it in every second and in every breath. They will not imagine love confessions in the other’s voice because they’re too afraid to speak them. Their story won't end because Eddie won't let it. He'll pull Buck out of Death's hands if he has to.
“Go tell him, okay? We’ll be there soon.” Hen says as she hangs up.
Eddie climbs the stairs up to the loft slowly, with his phone clutched tightly in his hand. With every step, he feels his breathing slow down, even going closer to the possibility of Buck calming him down, how he's been oblivious all this time is something he'll revisit in therapy.
Once he's reached the bedroom, he looks around. There is a trail of petals leading to the washroom, but there's also silence. Buck isn't coughing or showering or whatever he's in the washroom for.
Eddie looks at his phone screen which has turned off. He turns it on to see a picture of Buck and Chris. It's the one from their day at the pier, before everything went to shit.
Their blonde hair is shining in the sunlight and they're beaming with happiness. Eddie reminds himself of what Buck looks like. He reminds himself that whatever he'll find on the other side of the door, this is the man he loves.
Whatever he finds on the other side, this is what Buck looks like. Anything else doesn't matter.
Resurrection feels like sleeping on cold tiles.
Buck didn't expect to open his eyes, but then he did. In the next moment, he hears the incessant water droplets, and the cold from the tiles seeps into his skin. He comes to his senses and pulls himself up into a sitting position.
The light in front of him is too bright, so he keeps his eyes closed. That's when his supposed last moments replay in his head. He remembers feeling alone, even in death, and decides he isn't going to let that become true.
He will tell Eddie and he will hope that he can have the life he dreams of, without the threat of death looming over him. He has found a love that he's been looking for, and he'll make that his reality.
Buck dreams of the love of his life as he breathes in between two water droplets. He finds Eddie between two moments, after the last one has ended and before the next one starts. It feels a little like forever.
As he floats in a self-created version of forever, Buck realises why he decided to let the flowers teach him what they did. He understands why it was easy to be at peace with dying alone, or staying lonely, or running in the first place.
It wasn’t entirely because he was afraid of being left behind, Buck already knew, that among two people, one left the other behind. What he didn’t know, was what was worse?
To turn your back and never even spare a glance at someone who you used to look at all the time. Or to watch with your feet planted to the ground as the only person that matters decides that they have shared enough time with you.
He doesn’t know that now too, he thinks. What he does know, is that whatever that greater agony is, he loves Eddie enough to bear it. Hope has always been a weapon too dangerous to wield, but for even the possibility of having forever with the love of his life, Buck decides it's a danger he is willing to bear.
So he pushes himself up with a deep exhale, breaking his fleeting forever and… finds Eddie.
The love of his life stands at the door, shaking like a leaf.
Eddie falls on his knees with a thud before Buck can even realise what's happening. He slides towards him, careful not to startle him. His best friend is still holding the door knob as he leans into the doorframe, crying.
Buck brings a hesitant hand to touch him, to let him know he's here if Eddie needs him. Every sob that he lets out is more painful than his coughing fits. Eddie's entire frame shakes as he lets it out.
Then he cradles Buck’s face like he’s holding something too precious to touch in his hands. He pushes Buck’s curls from his eyes and whispers an incoherent stream of ‘You’re okay’ and nodding in reassurance, who that’s supposed to reassure isn’t something that Buck knows.
Still unsure of what to do, Buck pulls him into a hug. Eddie buries his head into his neck and starts playing with his hair. If his focus wasn't entirely on figuring out why Eddie was sobbing, Buck would've gone crazy with the absence of distance between them.
After a few minutes, his best friend has finally run out of tears. He runs his hand along the length of Eddie's back, tracing lazy circles as he moves along. Buck keeps holding him, he doesn't plan to let go unless Eddie pulls away.
Their breathing syncs with the water droplets.
Eddie sighs in his neck, and now, Buck is hyper aware of his hot breath on his neck. He's still worried about Eddie but now he's also trying to act normal about their physical proximity.
Buck decides to ask what caused this, now that Eddie is relatively calm. He's still sniffling a little, and definitely still clinging to him, not that he's complaining.
“What's wrong?” Buck asks, his voice is a little hoarse but it isn't too painful to speak.
Eddie makes a wounded noise which is half a whimper and half a groan. Buck still tries to coax words out of him, scratching his scalp to get him relaxed enough to talk.
“Eds, we can fix it, okay?,” He whispers softly, not wanting to strain his throat. “Whatever it is, I'm here. We can fix it–”
“Why didn't you tell me?” The despair in Eddie's voice catches him off guard.
“Didn't tell you what?”
Buck doesn't get an answer, so he decides to wait. Patience has never been his strongest virtue. His brain runs a mile a minute, sometimes too fast for even his own mouth. But Eddie’s fingers are in his hair and his best friend is wrapped around his torso, holding him tight enough to keep him tethered. His mind goes strangely quiet like this, and so Buck can wait, because Eddie wants it.
“You told me you were okay, that we–,” He squeezes Buck tighter. “That we had time.”
Buck keeps tracing his hands along Eddie’s back as he speaks, feeling him freeze in between his words. His best friend sounds like the words strangle him as he speaks them, like they tear his throat like Buck’s flowers do, and he is powerless against the hurt as they must be let out. Eddie says the words no matter how much they hurt him, because Buck must hear them.
“We do have time. I’m here, I’m not going anywhere.”
His voice isn’t soft or soothing, Buck knows his words don’t have a comforting effect like he intends. Every word grates against his throat like sandpaper, and his voice reflects that. He can’t stay quiet though. He can’t swallow his words like he used to swallow his flowers till they were desperate. Not when Eddie pleads for answers Buck doesn’t know he has.
Of course, his vague words do nothing to placate Eddie.
His best friend slowly pulls away, and the look in his eyes is undecipherable. Buck tries again.
“What's wrong, Eds?” He takes Eddie’s hands in his, warmth spreading in his palms. “Tell me.”
Eddie doesn’t answer immediately, he just… stares at nothing in particular. His eyes are glassy and he’s looking through Buck.
“Were you ever going to tell me? Or would you have preferred that I found out myself?” His voice is devoid of any emotion.
“Eddie, what are you–”
“Do you ever wonder what would’ve happened if Hannah hadn’t made the 9-1-1 call? If she’d just let her love die with her?”
Even when he is talking, Eddie doesn’t look at Buck. His eyes are fixed at something behind him, and he doesn’t dare to look away, or even blink. Buck turns to look behind him and sees a few stray cherry blossoms are floating in his half-filled bathtub. Eddie’s gaze is fixed on those petals as if he’s hypnotised.
Buck’s eyes widen in horror as he realises what his best friend is saying.
“I want you alive, Buck. I can’t bury you, you can’t put me through that.”
Eddie knows, and he is terrified. In just a second, his previously blank stare has turned into a fearful one. Still, even when Buck’s suffering is laid bare in front of him, Eddie doesn’t look away. He keeps his eyes trained on the blossoms, as if he looks at them enough, he will feel some of the agony that grew them. A tear falls from his eye because of the strain of not blinking, and Buck is broken out of the spell.
He cups Eddie’s face and shifts a little to cover the flowers. His best friend stares at his shoulder now, still not meeting his eyes, torment swirling in his irises like the streaks of hazel, golden and brown.
“Eddie, look at me.” Buck tries to tear his gaze away. “I’m here, please.”
Even when he’s holding his face in his palms, Eddie feels like he’s somewhere Buck cannot reach. It’s a little like his dreams, but he isn’t going to let it end like how it did in them.
“You can’t leave me behind with a bouquet of unsaid ‘I love yous’, Buck, I won’t survive it.”
It’s one second of looking at Eddie’s beautiful eyes filled with dread, that gives Buck the courage to confess.
“I love you, Eddie.” Buck says, and the love of his life looks at him like he parted the sea with the flick of a hand. “And I’m right here.”
Eddie's gaze flickers to somewhere on his face. His eyes fill with tears as he registers Buck's words.
“I love you too, so fucking much.” Eddie replies with a kiss on his forehead.
He pushes himself on his knees as wraps Buck into the tightest hug they've ever had. He presses kisses into his blond curls, whispering an ‘I love you’ with each one.
Buck presses his face into Eddie's torso, the latter being taller in the position they were in. He cries from the amount of happiness that washes over him with each second. He can hear Eddie sniffle and laugh too, it’s a sound that he could happily listen to for the rest of his life.
After staying as they were for a few moments or maybe even a few years, Eddie sits down in front of Buck. They hold each other’s faces like they're the most delicate things in the world. For people who were hurting like them, Buck didn’t think they were capable of such softness.
Looking at Eddie was always a delight, the best part of his day. But seeing him now? It was the best fucking sight Buck had ever laid his eyes on. There is no sunlight on Eddie’s skin but he’s as beautiful as ever. He’s peaceful, and he’s in love with him. His best friend focuses his undivided attention on him and it makes Buck feel like he’s born again.
Being loved by Eddie, knowing that he is loved by the one he loves, feels like a reincarnation. Buck knows that his life will always be divided into two parts from now on - the before and the after. And god, does the after feel like all his dreams and so much more.
Buck leans forward and touches their foreheads together. He can feel Eddie’s breath hit his skin, his breath full of the peppermint gum that he likes so much. Their faces are flushed, and if he were to guess, he’d say their proximity was the reason.
They’ve always been close. They’ve felt their pulses against their fingers, and they’ve pulled the other from fires and ran from death. They share food, share lives, and most importantly, they share a child. They raise the bravest boy with the kindest heart together. But they’ve never been close like this, and they’ve never given a name to the unspoken thing between them.
“You know that I love you, right? More than I can ever put into words.” Eddie confesses, and his words bounce on Buck’s skin.
Buck nods slowly, not breaking eye contact.
“No matter how much we fight, you know that I want you to be okay, right? If you died, I’d never live again, Buck, you have to know.” His eyes fill with tears and Buck is pretty sure that’s the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to him, but it doesn’t make it any less terrifying. “I was terrified when I was on the other side of the door. Too afraid to even think what I would find. I need you to understand that I love you and whatever happens, I want you here, I want you alive.”
He takes Buck’s hand and laces their fingers together, and presses a kiss on his knuckles.
“I want you to promise that you’ll tell me– whenever you need my help, or just need me, or even when you don’t need me, okay?” Eddie shakes his head and a few tears fall on his hand. Then he holds Buck’s hands in his, and he holds them tight. “I have your back, always. I’m here, just– just remember that.”
He’s never been loved like this, like his existence keeps someone sane, keeps them breathing. The reason he was born was to save his brother’s life, and while it wasn’t Daniel’s fault, the fact that he wouldn’t be born if he wasn’t needed for his parts doesn’t change. Keeping people alive seems to be his purpose, but this time, it doesn’t feel wrong.
To hold such importance and to be loved like this by someone so kind, brave and beautiful as Eddie is a privilege Buck might never entirely believe he holds. He gets to hold Eddie’s heart and he gets to share a life with his best friend. Holding his best friend like this is something Buck will never take for granted.
There is no path that he wouldn’t walk, no matter how long, no matter how difficult, if Eddie was his destination. Buck would walk a thousand steps, and so many more, if at the end, he got to have Eddie.
“I hear you, Eds. I know you have my back, and I have yours.” Buck holds Eddie’s face and has him look into his eyes as he speaks, so he can see that he’s serious about this. “We’re okay now, yeah?”
Eddie brings his hand up to his face and holds it over Buck’s. He leans into his touch and looks at him like Buck has just hung up the moon and stars… or something. His stubble brushes against Buck’s palm and sends sparks up his arm.
“I love you.” His best friend whispers with a charming smile. “I can’t wait to show you that for the rest of our lives.”
“Sounds exciting.” Buck can’t get more words out, too focused on the want in Eddie’s eyes.
“Oh it will be, I promise.” The brown, hazel and gold in Eddie’s eyes is covered with black.
Eddie’s eyes flicker from his eyes to his lips, and Buck is pretty sure all the oxygen in the world has disappeared. The love of his life inches closer, and kisses him.
It is undoubtedly the best kiss of his life. Eddie’s hands are cradling his face and his fingertips brush against his curls. His long lashes tickle his face and his lips move seamlessly against Buck’s. His best friend kisses him like it’s their natural state. Like they know the taste of the other’s chapstick like the back of their hand and like their breaths are accustomed to being blended with each other all the time.
If there is a heaven, Buck is pretty sure he’s experiencing it now.
He wants to do this forever, but his lungs disagree. They pull away to breathe, and as their panting for breath, all it takes is one look at the other’s dishevelled, kiss-drunk state for both of them to burst out laughing. They are best friends, after all.
Their family finds them laughing on the washroom floor, with their arms wrapped around each other, a while later, or maybe it was just a few moments. Then Buck is passed around between everyone like a newborn child, and showered in affection.
The last one to hug him is Maddie, and the first one to hold him after he was born was probably her too. In all his lives, Buck thinks his sister is the one who brings him to life. His parents might’ve created him biologically, but Maddie is the one who taught him how to live.
Evan Buckley was wrong when he thought he figured out how to be loved.
Buck would know, because he knows what being loved feels like. It feels like being wrapped in Maddie’s arms and feeling Eddie’s eyes on him as he sits on the floor. Love isn’t earned by hurt. While he did get hurt on his way to finding it, now, surrounded by the people he loves the most and who love him back, Buck finally understands the secret to being loved.
It’s trusting that the people who love will have your back, even if you just keep being yourself. Because being himself was enough, Buck is finally loved, and by the most amazing people in the world at that.
A few days ago, all Buck had was his cherry blossoms and the pain they brought everytime they came out. Now, he is with his family and the flowers lay in a container on his countertop.
His flowers had finally succeeded in teaching him what they knew all along.