Chapter Text
I was the reigning champion of biggest foreskin in Guam. My life was filled with praise and riches. Although my useless son moved away after he realised we're “bad parents” or so he says after an ayahuasca trip and my wife left me for a Dubai oil billionaire, I was happy. I didn't need anything in this world except for my money and my praise which was now coming to me daily in quantities greater than crack to black communities during the crack epidemic (we all know the government did it).
One day I was on my way to work at the circus when I saw a great crowd forming on the local nude beach.
“Oh my that is just the most foreskin I've ever seen on a man.” I heard a woman in the crowd say.
What?
This simply couldn't be, I was Mr. Foreskin around these parts.
“Everyone, I was just trying to take a swim. Please leave me alone!” I heard the voice of a young man cry out. Suddenly the crowd was pushed through and out came a boy who couldn't have been more than 20. I looked down at the boy's skin sealed sausage to see that he, in fact, had so much foreskin that it could have been what Jeffrey Epstein was forcibly hanged with. I simply stared at the boy as he ran to his things and put on his clothes. I knew at that moment that I didn't have the biggest foreskin around anymore and that simply wouldn't do.
Once I arrived at work I got ready as per usual in my costume when my manager walked in.
“Hey wormwood, whatcha doin?” He inquired with a very suspicious tone.
“Just gettin ready sir.” I replied with as little shake in my voice as I could. I couldn't help but feel a sense of impending doom and demise.
“Alrighty then, I'll leave you to it.” With that he left.
The show went off without a hitch as per usual and it continued like normal for the rest of the week. I started to feel pretty damn silly for worrying about that little punk dethroning me and eventually he just about left my mind except for a twinge of jealousy that I couldn't quite shake.
After a while of going about my idealistic island gyal life I walked into work to a horrifying and shocking sight. My manager stood next to the foreskin beach boy himself in the flesh(lol).
“Mr. Wormwood, meet your new coworker, Richard Flesh!” He stood there with a smile while the uncomfortable looking Richard avoided eye contact with anything but the floor. I seethed internally and it must have showed on my incredibly attractive face.
“Mr. Wormwood, don't you worry, you will be paid the same salary and get the same amount of advertising, all that will change is you sharing the stage.” He spoke as if he was calming my worries but I only got worried more as he spoke.
“N-no! This can't be! M-m-manager senpai! You can't do this, he'll upstage me and nobody will care about or love me anymore!” I yelped out while tears began to flow from my glassy orbs.
“It's ok baby girl, please stop crying, they will love you just the same trust me. Now you two start getting ready for tonight's show.” He said before leaving me and mister Richard Flesh alone together.
“Listen sir, I don't want to be here either.” He pleaded.
“Well then why in the frickity fraking foreskin loving fuck are you here‽” I replied reasonably as always.
“Listen man, I came here to escape my old life with absolutely no money, like zero dollars. I needed a well paying job and this was my last resort.” He explained pathetically.
“Well listen here you little good for nothing fuck face freak, you better reconsider that decision because for tonight I'll tolerate you but the second we're done tonight you better be outta here lickety split, ya hear?” I threatened the little pipsqueak.
“Listen man, I just need to find another job, the second I do that you will never see my face around here ever again. Just please, I need this job for now, maybe a week?” He said with a stupid little desperate look on his face.
“Ok Dick, stay here for the week but the second that's up you had better get lost.” I replied generously.
“Alright then, let's just make it through but first can you tell me what the fuck a “foreskin extravaganza” even is?”
With that I prepared the kid for his first show. It went off without a hitch with me as his mentor of course. Every show for the rest of the week drew in more and more crowds to see the new and shiny foreskin slinger. All of my fans still loved and adored me and came to every show but slowly new fans started to come and it wasn't to see me. By the end of the week I was elated to get rid of that no good little boy but I was about to be met with a very unwelcome surprise.
“So boy, you're finally leaving me the hell alone now?” I said casually before I left work.
“Actually no, I'd love to get out of your hair but the job market here is unbearable. I also have to admit that the money here is better than I've ever made even though it's less than you make and the attention and love is really nice, I've been thinking of staying permanently to be honest.” He spoke so nonchalantly as if he wasn't speaking words that made my blood boil and my vision go red.
“We agreed you little fucker, one week and then that's it, I will not have some stupid little lowlife bitch getting in the way of my perfect life.” I spoke through gritted teeth.
“I'm sorry but I don't have to do anything you tell me, I'm not even getting in the way of anything. You have your fans and I have mine, you still make more money than me and we are nearly equally as popular, you probably more so. Why can we not both just be successful and get on with our lives. "He talked absolute nonsense, I mean us both being able to be successful in our own rights? Insane! There was only room for one foreskin man on this island and it was me.
“You better leave now you little leach, it's your last opportunity to live.” I warned.
“No. You'll see me on monday Mr. Wormwood.” He said before turning to leave. At this I was left with no choice but to pounce. I jumped on his back and got my hands around his neck before being sprung off. I saw from the ground that he was trying to get away like the coward he was. I leaped up and charged, hitting his back with my cranium. He bent over in pain before turning to face me. What then ensued was an all out scrap. At some point both of our feeble clothes were ripped off leaving our built in tripping hazards to swing about. I eventually got up on one of the ceiling beams before taking my final shot.
“Bye bye Dick.” That's the last thing I said before I jumped aiming directly for his head. My journey however was stopped quickly by something around my neck, my own foreskin. As I hung from a ceiling beam by my own foreskin I thought of how I wasn't really hanging by my foreskin but my own hubris and envy. And then all of a sudden it all went black.