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idiocracy meets the senseless

Chapter 2: Forming Team Red (Churros)

Notes:

so uh...
hi?
i'm a month late yes i know, but i have some good stuff i promise!

nvm its not that good and i rushed this a bit. sorry for the late update, life got a bit busy.
I split this chapter in 2 parts because it was getting a bit long for me and yall deserve a chapter!!!

as usual lemme know your thoughts and suggestions in the comments!
thank you so much for all the kudos and support i've gotten so far. i really appriecriate it!

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Peter doesn’t know how he got here, Scratch that- he definitely knows how he got here. The entire field trip to Oscorp, getting bitten by a radioactive spider, etc. etc. No, that’s not what Peter means. Peter means, specifically- in an old, beat up warehouse with a certain devil of Hell’s Kitchen and the infamous Merc with a Mouth in front of him.

(2 years ago)

It was official. Peter no longer liked cats. He’s been scratched by 6 in the past hour. 6!! LIke you would think people would keep a better eye on their cats. And since the stupid cats got stuck in trees and lamp posts by themselves (somehow), they should be able to get themselves out! It’s simple logic. Why he has to get all mauled up because of this Peter will never understand.

Peter huffed to himself while he swung away from the scene below him. A cheery girl was currently petting the most docile black cat that ever existed (which definitely wasn’t the case when peter was getting the little beast off the cellphone tower down the block) while skipping merely down the road back to her house. Peter sighed and continued swinging. He could distantly hear the girl entering her house and locking the door behind her.

If there was one thing that Peter would cherish for the rest of his life, it would be web-swinging. It was his drug. The crisp cut of the wind against his face, his body, his soul. The moment of free fall when you feel free; The feeling of weightlessness and the wind howling through your ears. The split second before someone’s ultimate demise when they pancake on earth, affects akin to being squashed by a monster. But Peter was never a simple human. He would simply throw an arm out, web swinging out, flying undeterred into the city horizon.
Peter flew over his city, keeping an ear out for any sounds of distress or trouble.

Today was a pretty chill day, he thought. No superpowered baddies, just a few muggers around. Oh, and plus the cats.

 

He landed onto a rooftop, close to the centre of Queens. This was his favourite building It had the highest vantage point among the other buildings around it. It gave Peter a perfect view of the sunset, or sunrise. Whatever. He often brought his camera here to take some pictures.

Peter plopped down and pulled out some of his homework. He’d finished most of his work at school during lunch, but he still needed to finish the essay that was assigned a few days ago that he didn’t have the motivation to do.

The essay was about the book The Lord of the Flies. Peter was going to be honest; He didn’t pay any attention at all during the time when they were supposed to be reading the book. He just skimmed through the damn thing and zoned out for most of it too. Peter sighed. This night was going to be long. He drew out a pencil and began working. He had just barely finished the introduction when his spidey-sense went off. It was a faint buzzing; Urgent, but not an active threat.

Peter froze. He was sitting on the ledge of a skyscraper in which the surrounding buildings weren’t as high, so what could possibly be setting off his senses? Is he dumb? If there were no active person/animal/mutate trying to kill him, there is most likely someone spying on him. How does Peter spy on the person spying on him without letting the spy know he’s spying on them. You know what, fuck it. Peter snaps his head around and stares behind him. The spy has to be somewhere behind him right?

 

“ACK” Peter screeched out of surprise and fear, flailing around. He almost fell off the building, holding on purely due to his sticky-ness.
Standing behind him, in his full maroon regalia, was the infamous ‘Man Without Fear’. Daredevil himself.

He was shorter than Peter would have thought. He was a few inches taller than Peter himself, clocking at roughly 6 feet tall. He was dressed in his scarlet red costume. It covered his entire body, apart from his face, which a cowl (much like Batman’s but in red) fit snugly over his head. He had 2 hosteres filled with his iconic billy clubs, also in red. His hands were also wrapped with tape (which were also red, woah surprise, surprise). Spanning the centre of his chest were the letters ‘DD’.

He was half hidden among the shadows provided by the building. It was an ominous sight. However, the most terrifying part of this entire enigma were his eyes. Like most superheroes and vigilantes, he bore lenses that were merged with his cowl; But Daredevil’s were a striking blood red colour, all seeing yet not seeing at all. Peter suppressed a shiver. He suspected the man could barely see through those lenses at all, but Peter didn’t doubt that Daredevil knew exactly where he was right now.

Peter’s heartbeat raced. He sank into a defensive position, ready to flee or fight. Depending on how this goes. Daredevil wouldn’t hurt him right? His spidey-sense was convinced he wasn’t a current danger, but this was the man that beat criminals to the brink of death nightly. So it’s probably better to be safe than sorry.
Daredevil swept his head slightly to the side, to where Peter’s discarded homework lay. Peter’s heart increased even more. Was Daredevil going to steal his homework? Was he going to track down his school?! THEN HIS HOUSE? OH MY GOD AUNT MAY! Peter suspected his panic could be felt emitted from him in waves.

Daredevil turned his head back to Peter, regarding him silently. Peter held his ground. He would fight off anyone that threatened Aunt May. Daredevil continued to stare at Peter. Honestly, Peter felt a bit disrespected; He felt judged. Not that he’ll say anything though. He’s not dumb enough to sign a death warrant thank you very much. The devil did something with his mouth, it was curling upwards- Oh was he smiling? Oh he was! Oh that's great! Peter’s chances of survival have gone up by a few percent. Wait, he was laughing at Peter! And his homework! Man, that’s rude.

Peter stood up from his stance, frowning. If Daredevil was here simply to judge Peter and his essay, what was his point here? Daredevil suddenly chucked something at Peter. Peter caught it effortlessly, but cautiously. Peter looked down, being sure to still keep his senses on Daredevil. It was a protein bar with a little sticky note attached. Huh, weird.

Peter looked up and the man had vanished. Peter spun on his heel, dumbfounded. How did Daredevil slip away? He had his spidey-sense on him. He should’ve been able to feel him leaving.

Alas, Daredevil had slipped away, and there was nothing Peter could do about that. Peter sat down dully and regarded his essay with a sigh. He picked up his pencil then-
In the distance, a scream was heard. Peter grinned under his mask and shoved his essay and book back into his backpack. The essay could wait. He shot one last look at the protein bar and note Daredevil gave him, and slipped it in his backpack. He webbed his bag unceremoniously to the rooftop and jumped from the building with a whoop.

 

-:-

 

Matt slipped his cowl off, flinging it into his closet where the rest of his uniform lay in a crumpled heap.
“So, did you talk with Spidey?” Fogs asked, swivelling around in his chair. He was idling twirling a pen in his fingers.

“Yeah, I did. Poor guy was half scared out of his mind.” Matt remembered how the hero had nearly flung himself off the building in fear, then hearing his heartbeat skyrocket afterwards. He was still slightly worried about whether the guy was ok. He didn’t mean to scare him that badly. He just wanted to let him know that- nevermind.

“Well Matt, that's what you get when you dress up as a devil and stalk a popular hero.” Foggy chuckled.

Foggy stood and went to refill a mug of coffee. “How is he?” He asked on a different note while pouring the beverage.

“Young. He seemed to be around 18- at most. Probably younger.” Matt sighed. “He still has homework.” He added with a stifled laugh.

Foggy sighed, walking up to Matt. “I’m worried for him. He seems new.” He intoned while dragging Matt to the couch. “He’s too young.” He admitted quietly. He handed Matt the mug of steaming coffee.

Matt lowered his head, silently agreeing. 18 (if he was 18) was definitely too young. He could see the undermining darkness and violence in that kid. The anger and stubborness to do right by them, and bring people to justice. Most worrisome, he could see glimpses of himself in Spider-man. He sent a silent prayer to the kid and his family.

“I know. That’s why I slipped him a snack along with a note with my phone number if he needs anything.” Matt turned to Foggy. He could feel Fogs smile.

“Well done Batman, you’ve just collected your first Robin.”

Matt tackles Foggy off the couch, both people crashing to the ground just as Karen enters the room. Oh shit.

 

-:-

 

Wade Wilson slides into his usual seat at Sister Margarets’. He’s in full Deadpool gear. He rarely goes out without it anymore. He rings the bell at the bar counter 6 times. A burly man in a crisp, black suit walks over and shoulders his way past Wade. The man scowls and sulks off. Wade grins, because in his lap is a small envelope. He tears the paper, and pulls out a small cardstock rectangle. On the slip of paper, it reads:

Spider-man

 

Underneath were a lot of zeroes. Wade’s grin widens. He hasn't gotten a good challenge in a while. He waves hi to Weasel and rushes to his apartment, choosing out a shiny C14 Timberwolf along with his usual guns, knives, grenades, etc. etc.
Before exiting his apartment, Wade takes a swig of his vodka. His eyes turn feral.

{~ Hunting timeee ~} Yellow sings with glee.

-:-

So, uh. Turns out not finishing your essay before the day it was due- with an extension mind you, was a bad idea. Peter thought while sitting glumly in detention. For the third time this month, the Captain America PSA buzzed on like a faint fly in the base of Peter’s skull. At this point, Peter could probably recite the entire video by heart. As always, MJ sat a row behind him to the left, the sound of her pen scratching excitedly on her notebook.

Drrrrrrrrrrr

The bell blared harshly, reverberating through Peter’s head, snapping him out of his thoughts. Peter springed up, knees banging painfully on the roof of his desk. Peter grimaces at the looks shot towards him by the rest of the students in the room. Peter sweeps up his backpack as gracefully as possible and hastily makes his exit, rushing out the school doors.
As soon as Peter is a proper distance from Midtown, he ducks into an alley and quickly jumps into his suit, scaling up a building, and flying into the sky.

 

-:-

 

Matt is tired.

He spent all of last night organising some evidence for some random case. He only did it because Foggy and Karen were out, having their day off. Why Matt didn’t just do it this morning was beside him.

Matt sighed while getting a mug of coffee. It was currently around 3 in the afternoon. He wanted to get out a bit as Daredevil today; He hasn’t gone out in a bit. He walked over to Karen’s desk and plopped the portfolio of information down. This particular folder only contained the bare minimum of why this client was only acting in self-defence, while protecting a little child. All things considered, it was a decently simple case.

 

10 minutes later Daredevil punches a goon in the knee. It makes a satisfying crunch. The scream is the follow-up.

10 minutes after that Daredevil is on a rooftop.

There are definitive signs of use of this particular rooftop- there is an old fold up chair, a box of first aid stuff, and many many old, dried out blots of blood. Unaware to Matt, they were a deep brown maroon colour. They were old enough to not emanate the metallic smell fresh blood did.
Daredevil is currently perched on the edge of the building, meditating.

His senses expand throughout most of Hell's Kitchen. Searching for any sign of struggle or crime. Further up, near 10th and 58th, he could hear a gang of amateur thugs barging up the jewellery store.

Immediately Daredevil shot off the roof and into the fading sunset.

Daredevil arrived in 5 minutes. By then the criminals were just packing up and starting to bolt. They were currently running into the alley behind the store.

Daredevil dropped in silently from the fire escape above, sneaking behind a few stragglers of the group. With a carefully aimed punch to the head, one goon went down. Matt carefully caught the body and set it on the ground.

The others went down with 2 hard blows with his batons. The cracks from those hits were a sharp contrast to the gloomy tension in the lane.
Just like that, the thugs jerked around and leapt into action. 3 guys immediately jumped Daredevil, aiming crowbars and butts of guns towards his head and neck. Daredevil ducked to the side just as the rest of the gang started to shoot their pistols and revolvers at him. Matt flipped nimbly backwards, dodging the bullets, which simply struck the ground in a cascade of sparks.

Matt threw one of his clubs towards the alley wall, ricocheting off the stone and knocking out another man.

There are 2 more criminals left. They share a look before charging towards Daredevil. While they charge at the masked man, Daredevil stands perfectly still, the body of a bad guy still under him, unmoving.

At the last moment, he leaps out of the way as a butt of a gun and a fist collided with the air when he was standing moments earlier.
Matt whirled out the way as another round of bullets hit the dingy alleyway behind him. He then stepped in and bodily slammed the goon onto the ground. The man went down with a groan.

The last thief wisely chooses to keep his distance, using only his glock to shoot continuously at Daredevil. He missed every shot, Matt noticed. He also noticed his hands were shaking. Matt could hear the terror in his body, how his heart was beating way too fast to be normal.
Matt took a double take and realised the last criminal was only around 18 years old. Just like Spider-man. HIs mind whispered. Nope, not dealing with this now. He shoved those thoughts to the back of his mind.

The internal thought process had Matt pausing for a second, but that was a second too long; As a gunshot had pierced the evening air and lodged into Daredevil’s arm before he could spin out of the way.
A surprised gasp escaped Matt’s mouth, not expecting the kid to actually hit him. Said kid’s heart beat had skyrocketed even more, backing away from the alley.

“Stay- stay back!” the kid stammered out, waving the gun around wildly. Matt almost felt pity for the kid. No kid would be in this line of business this early on in their life.
Matt flashed forwards in a sudden burst of speed and took hold of the gun in the kid’s hand and threw it down the winding path of the alley.
The kid gaped at his empty hand and tried slowly shrinking into the more populated streets, away from the alley and the mess of groaning thugs on the ground.
“I’m- I’m sorry.” He stuttered out. “Please don’t hurt me” he finished off quieter.

Matt sighed. “Don’t make me catch you doing this again, or else I won’t be as forgiving as this time.” He warned, turning his back on the kid “And leave the jewels”. He added.
The kid didn’t need to be told twice. As soon as Matt’s back was turned, he emptied his pockets, dumping necklaces, earrings, rings, and jewelled watches in a shiny pile. Then he bolted right out the alley and didn’t stop until he was many blocks away,

Matt listened to the kid go. He uttered another sigh. Kids these days.
“Hey! Are you letting us go too then?” A crippled goon asked from Daredevil’s right.
Matt’s response was a sharp kick to his head. The thug went out like a light.

 

-:-

 

Deadpool was stalking (waiting?).

(Ooooo, we’re pulling a Tim Drake!) White said with glee. Timothy “I’m blackmailing Batman so that I can become Robin” Drake was a fucking icon.
[OH, YES! But… Wrong universe, sorry pal.] Yellow added.

“Awww, that sucks. But it’s ok!” Wade said with genuine disappointment. (Also, Excuse me, author? I’m obviously disappointed I can’t be Tim Drake, are you fucking kidding me?) “We’re still following in his footsteps.” He nodded.

 

Wade hummed the Batman theme song while colouring a little Spider-man drawing in his notebook. There were like a million Batman theme songs but that’s ok too! Y’all readers just imagine the first one that pops into your mind! They all work!
Just then Wade could hear a siren in the distance. Perfect! Wade pocketed his doodle of Spider-man and jumped off the roof he was one, running towards the direction of the siren. Any sign of trouble is a sign of Spider-man.

 

-:-

 

Peter was having fun, which was a rare sight when he went out as Spider-man. Usually he gets mildly stabbed or fractured bones on his patrols, but today he’s only gotten some bruises that are nearly healed already.
In addition, he just got a churro from a lady, he occasionally helps with groceries. This particular churro was guava flavoured, it was extra unique. (Like you readers! <3)

Just as he was finishing his churro, he heard a faint scream- no, multiple screams. Plus an entourage of heavy thuds, shaking the earth and roads surrounding that block.
Quickly, Peter wiped his sugar-coated hands on his suit and webbed off into the distance.

After a rapid minute, Spider-man arrived at the scene of terror, and what a scene of terror it was.

An oldie but goodie had returned to the streets of New York; Rhino was currently wreaking havoc on Queens blvd near Manhattan. He was slowly but surely making his way to the Upper East Side of Manhattan. He was kicking over cars, wrenching lamp posts out of the ground and hurling them into the sky like a javelin athlete- not really though, because he was in his classic suit of metal and steel, which was bound to be quite heavy.

The police were already there, trying their best to contain both the rampaging rhino rouge, as well as guiding the civilians to safety.
News-cast and paparazzi were also there, in full reporter fashion, with their cameras and microphones, hunting for the newest scoop.

“SPIDERMAN!” Rhino bellowed with his usual Russian accent. “COME FACE ME, AND BE SQUASHED LIKE THE LITTLE BUG YOU ARE!”

He picked up a car and threw it into the air, heading straight for the small crowd of reporters. Most of them had common sense and scattered, yet some of the more- ahem, dense ones decided that the ultimate scoop would be found when squashed like a pancake. Petter exhaled a deep sigh before swinging and kicking the car away from the crowd of people. It soared over the line of defence the police made, and landed with a loud crash a few feet from where Rhino was standing.

Spider-man flipped over the gaping heads of the New-yorkers and landed in a crouch on the dishevelled pile of metal that used to be a car. Peter hoped briefly that the owners had kept their insurance up to date.

Peter remembered that a few months back Spider-man had humiliated Rhino in a brutal fight (for him, not for Peter) that lasted mere minutes, and sent him back to prison. Twitter had a nice laugh over that.

Peter’s guessing that was the cause of the utter and unbridled fury that Rhino had emanating from his figure.
…Oops?

 

At this point Rhino looked absolutely maniac.
“YOU- YOU LITTLE- Ты маленький говнюк, ублюдок, засранец, сука, я уже сказал? Ты маленький говнюк, ты такая сука, ты знаешь эт-”
Rhino’s little speech was cut off by the squashed car to the face.

The russian rogue went down after a second, flopping onto the ground, creating a cloud of comically accurate dust.

The force used to hit Rhino was so hard that the half-car had embedded into Rhino’s armour. Spider-man could hear Rhino muttering something under his breath in Russian.
Peter uttered a sigh.

 

The entire street was silent.

 

Peter was tempted to sigh again. People underestimated him by a magnitude when it came to his strength and intelligence, but seriously! He could lift up an entire warehouse. Combined with some inertia and common sense a well placed swing from ANY enhanced individual could knock out that man. His face wasn’t even covered half the time.

…Right?

Anyways!

 

Peter jogged over to the form of the escaped felon and quickly yanked the piece of car out, and carefully set it down next to him.
“So uh, here your bad guy!” Spider-man called to the police.

This seemed to snap them out of their daze, running over, detaining Rhino and shoving in on an absolute massive truck. The reporters had also continued their fight of getting a statement from either Spider-man or the police.

Spider-man stuck around for a bit, ensuring Rhino had been securely detained and was making his way back to prison.
At that moment, Spider-man’s spidey sense went off; And it went off like crazy. All the hairs of his neck and back stuck up, and Peter repressed a shiver. Tension was crawling up his spine, and it felt like a bucket of freezing water was poured over his head.
His Spidey sense had never gone off like this.
Peter was rightfully terrified.

Get away, get away, get away, getaway geta-
Was Peter’s inner monologue while he uttered a short goodbye to the cops and scrambled up a nearby wall.
When Peter got onto the rooftop, he fell into a defensive crouch, prepared for any sound of danger.

Once again, his Spidey sense went haywire, focussing on one point.. Right in between his eyes.
Peter immediately ducked, watching as a single bullet whizzed over where his brain would be.

… Shit.

Notes:

peter: churro :)
rhino: RAAARGHHHHHHHH >:(
peter: ... eXcUSe ME?!

so, we have the beginnings of team red! i'm joining the classic dp is hired to kill spider-man trope.
you can see my writing style becomming more lazy as it goes on, and that is because i crammed the end half of this chapter within a day.
we <3 fogs and matty

yeah i had a lot of fun writing this chapter and i hope you had as much fun reading it too!
kudos and comments are my fuel <33

P.S. sorry (not sorry) for the cliffhanger