Archive of Our Own ^beta

It happens gradually. The thoughts sneak onto Felix like quiet fears in the night, unheard in the morning and not looked back at until it"s too late.

The whispers of you should"ve sang better only hit him well after recording and are gone by the time he wakes up. The murmurs of you don"t look good or you"ve put on too much weight don"t get comprehended until the shoot is finished and he sees the pictures online.

The comments on the internet about how his dance is stiff and he looks boring on his own don"t register until the performance is over, but they"re there.

They"re all there, in the back of Felix"s mind, until it all piles up and chokes him at night, making him quietly sob into his pillow while he doom scrolls Twitter for hours upon hours and reads how much people hate him, how he doesn"t fit the beauty standard and how the others outshine him.

They don"t show up in the morning, not until Seungmin shakes off his hug because he"s annoyed or until Chan snaps at him late at night for wanting to change up the song because he"s too insecure to use his high voice after many people said it doesn"t suit him, making him cower in the studio and quietly just leave to bed.

(Chan apologized the next morning, but the thoughts had already rooted itself in Felix"s mind.) 

He was naive to think they would never be mad at him. Of course they would, they"re all humans, and Felix is a brat, one who"s too sensitive and too much of a crybaby to take care of himself. Of course they"d snap sometimes when they"re tired or too stressed. It"s his own fault that he ends up staring at his wall for hours and doesn"t talk anymore until the next morning.

Hyunjin had even said that Felix was like a child, and he couldn"t blame him. He was childish and too basic on his own and didn"t have shit going for him other than his stupid deep voice that didn"t even fit his mediocre looks.

Was Felix good for anything, really?

He"s sensitive as hell, he knows this. The members are stressed because of promo season. He knows that, too, and he"d never want any of them to feel guilty. Not for this, at least. He doesn"t want them to blame themselves once he"s gone and feel like they could"ve done something.

(Not like they"d care much, a small voice says in Felix"s head. They"d probably just be glad that they don"t have to take care of him anymore. The thought makes him want to throw up, but at this point it"s such a fact in his mind he can"t do much more than shudder.)

Because it"s all Felix"s own fault. He"s not strong, not like the others. He"s not resilient and he"s definitely not tough, so it"s not a surprise when all the negative and self deprecating thoughts topple over and send him crashing, turning his nightly sobs into numb, sleepless hours, staring at the ceiling thinking of the best way to do it.

His getaways to his room in the afternoon went from trying to find the flaws in his dance to trying to figure out what to say in his notes, but he"d just end up crying all over the paper every time.

With another sob while bent over Seungmin"s note, he decides it might be a bit too soon for these. What if the members found them while he"s not ready? They"d just hate him even more.

A week, he decides eventually. One last week with his members, and then he"ll do it.

***

He"ll miss Jisung the most, he thinks.

Han is sitting next to him and they"re watching an anime he"s really into right now, and he"s laughing at something on screen while all Felix can do is stare at him being happy with his chest shriveled up and aching, wishing he could have done this for longer.

Han has an arm around him and Felix"s legs are thrown over his lap, entangled like they always are, the most physical out of the entire group. It"s a closeness Felix will definitely miss. Jisung was basically his twin, both alike in personality.

He"s the other half to Felix"s sunshine, so he thinks it won"t be too bad if one of them leaves. They"ll survive. Jisung will, too. What would be there to miss, really? Someone who messed up their kingdom performance and slammed his face into the stage?

(Han had said it hadn"t been Felix"s fault, but Felix swore he could see the disdain in his eyes. It couldn"t be concern, it just couldn"t be. Why would he be worried for Felix if he was the one who got hurt?)

"Lix?"

He raises his head when he hears Jisung calling out to him, met with a frown.

His shoulders stiffen up. What had he done this time?

Han puts an unexpected hand on the back of his neck, rubbing it as if he"d wanted to comfort Felix. "Are you feeling alright, Lixie?"

A lump grows in his throat. Why was he asking this? Why did he care?

He nods his head slightly. "Why wouldn"t I be?" It"s bullshit, he knows he"s not and he knows they can tell, but he"s just burdening them further by not being able to hide it.

A somber expression fills Jisung"s face. "You"ve just… been quiet these past weeks. You don"t smile as much and we"re all worried for you."

A sting goes through his heart at Han lying to him so openly. Did he not even consider how Felix felt? Why would he tell him that the others cared too when it was so obvious they all didn"t?

He shakes his head a little. "You don"t have to worry." He lies. "You and the rest should focus on yourselves more, okay?"

Han looks hesitant, but soon his expression closes off and he simply nods. Felix is grateful for it, for how Jisung treated him more like an adult rather than a fragile child like the others often did.

(Not like he could blame them. He couldn"t do shit on his own, really.)

"Just… reach out to us if you feel bad, Lixie."

Felix nods again, chest caving in. I can"t, he wants to say. If he reaches out, they"d only try to stop him and he"d only make the group sink even more.

They already had to cut performances because of his injury. He doesn"t want to bother them further.

Han keeps a worried eye on him for the rest of the show. Felix stays silent and soaks in Jisung"s grip, wanting to commit his touch to memory.

***

He holds Hyunjin"s hand as they stroll down the street. It"s selfish, because Hyunjin probably doesn"t want to hold his hand and wants to talk more to the others rather than have to deal with a quiet Felix, but he can"t help it. He only has a week left, and Hyunjin had always loved him a lot.

(Had.)

Another lump forms in his throat at the thought, recounting all the moments he"d called him his angel or asked him to pose for a sketch or a photograph. 

He hadn"t asked Felix in a while. He"d walked in on him taking pictures of Changbin and sketching an outline of Lee Know, but he hadn"t asked Felix to be his muse in a month. 

(Felix knows it"s because he"s lost weight. Hyunjin had never told him so, but it"s evident when he glances at Felix"s torso and sees how his clothes hang off of him now.)

"Lix-ah? Do you want anything?" Hyunjin asks, shaking him out of his thoughts as they land in front of a cafe.

Anxiety fills his gut as he stares at all the items behind the glass, the cake and the desserts making him nauseous just by the smell. The others are staring at him expectedly, impatiently, Seungmin"s mouth is pursed because he"s hungry and Felix is making them wait, why was he like this? Why did he always hurt the people he loved most?

His eyes flit down to his stomach, how it"s still sticking out despite the weight loss. 

"I don"t want anything." He murmurs, not facing the taller man.

He can"t see his face but he knows Hyunjin is frowning when he speaks. "Felix, you haven"t eaten anything since Chan hyung gave you that one croissant."

(He hadn"t eaten the croissant either, just took it up to his room under the guise that he was gaming only to leave it at his desk, but they don"t have to know that.)

He shakes his head. "I drank water." He responds. "I"ll just take a coffee without sugar. It"s fine."

Jeongin frowns at him too, and Felix shrinks under their annoyed gazes. "Water doesn"t count."

He feels himself stiffen at Jeongin"s accusatory tone. He just kept fucking up, doesn’t he? Even in his final moments he made them worry and annoyed them.

 He shook his head for a third time. 

"Coffee"s fine, guys. Seriously. You"re all hungry and I don"t want to keep you waiting."

He only looks at the floor as he listens to their orders, and tries to ignore his own growling stomach. 

They eventually make their way out of the cafe with their orders. Hyunjin doesn"t take his hand again, opting to hold Changbin"s and Felix wraps his cold hands around his coffee. It"s not a big deal, he tries to say, but they"re all not talking to him and caught up in their own world, leaving Felix to trail behind the group quietly.

(He gets it, he really does. The past few weeks he"s been nothing but annoying and too depressed for them to hang out with him. He understands why they don"t want to talk. Why would they when all he did was give short answers in fear of crying again in front of them?)

The barista had fucked up his order. She"d accidentally added sugar, but he didn"t want to bother her again and took it quietly.

He doesn"t feel good. He didn"t eat yesterday either and he cried himself to sleep again. His head hurts, the cars are way too loud around him as they cross the street, and the comments he saw last night are still fresh in his mind, making him want to crawl out of his skin. The calories on the coffee cup are way too high for his liking, only serving to make him even more nauseous. 

"Yongbok-ah!" It"s Minho who calls out to him this time, making him startle his head up only to realize he"s stopped walking in the middle of the road while they"re all across the sidewalk already. "Why are you stopping?"

He sounds annoyed to Felix"s ears, gaze set in a frown once again as he urges Felix to walk faster until he"s finally caught up to them.

Hyunjin takes a hold of his arm again as they enter a busy park. There are a lot of people here, and no matter how much he wants to spend his last moments with his members the people surrounding them make his breath hitch because they"re all staring. He knows it"s because they"re famous and he knows it"s because it"s normal in Korea, but it"s so much and they"re probably thinking about how bad he looks without any stage makeup and wearing a crop top when his pants are sinking on his hips–

"Felix, can you not? " Hyunjin hisses suddenly, and too late he realizes he"s grabbed his injured shoulder with a death grip while his breathing turned shallow. Hyunjin"s face is contorted in pain and Felix wants to jump into the fucking river when the taller man removes his hand and stares at him weirdly again. "Lix, You okay?"

Felix doesn"t know what to say this time. He"s not okay overall but right now the world is spinning and he might just burst into tears, but he can"t do that again because he"s a burden and just his existence is bothering them much more than it should, he can"t, he can"t–

But Felix isn"t strong. Their gazes drill into him because he looks bad and doesn"t have any talent whatsoever and his body looks like shit and he doesn"t belong in Stray Kids and they all know this, everyone at the park knows this, and his own members do too, that"s why no one reaches out when he collapses and the world spins around him once more.

He buries his face in his arms, squeezing his eyes shut. He"s pathetic. He"s crying in the middle of the fucking sidewalk because some people are staring and he can"t breathe because of all the comments last night, about his body and his personality–

There are hands over his back. He flinches away when they touch him. He knows they want him to get up and stop embarrassing them, but he can"t . Everything is too much and he doesn"t want to wait a week. He wants to go now.

"Let"s get you home, angel." Hyunjin is whispering, and it only makes him cry harder because he hasn"t called Felix that in so fucking long but he doesn"t deserve to hear it because he"s not a fucking angel, never will be. He doesn"t act like it and certainly doesn"t look like it.

Angels are beautiful and are supposed to help people, not cry on the sidewalk and be depressed and bother their loved ones.

He"s conscious enough to feel it as Changbin scoops him up in his arms before he cries so hard he passes out.

His last thought is that he shouldn"t have had that coffee.

***

He doesn"t talk to anyone. They try checking in with him, Minho strokes a hand through his hair and sets a plate of freshly cooked food on his nightstand and sits by his side and tries to talk, but Felix won"t open his mouth.

"Yongbok," His voice is quiet in the room, hand still settled on Felix"s nape. "You need to eat. We saw the croissant, you haven"t eaten since yesterday."

He shakes his head minutely, not turning towards the older man.

Minho sighs and moves a bit closer. "Why won"t you eat? Why haven"t we seen you in days? Why did Hyunjin have to drag you out with us?"

The words hit him square in the chest. When will he finally stop disappointing his members? Why can"t he even have his last moments with them without fucking it up and being needy?

"I"m sorry." It"s the first thing he"s whispered since coming back from his panic attack and woken up in his own bed. "I didn"t want to cause a scene."

He doesn"t want Minho to be mad at him, doesn"t want any of them to be mad. Why can"t it go back to normal? Why can"t they all love him again? 

Minho sounds choked up as he rubs Felix"s arm and strokes his back again. "Fuck, Felix– you didn"t cause anything. You don"t have to apologize, we"re just so fucking worried. You don"t eat and you"ve been talking to us less and you seem so sad. "

Felix doesn"t know what to say anymore. His pity feels more like he"s telling Felix to get his act together and fix himself, because they have interviews in a few days and he can"t afford to look like shit (more than he already does) in front of the stays.

"I"m sorry." He says again.

He feels the motion when Minho shakes his head, leaning forward only to press a kiss against his temple, confusing him. Why would he do that? 

"Please be okay." He begs Felix, and he feels hurt when Minho"s tears hit his skin. Did he really have that little faith in Felix? Did he really not think he could fix himself before the interviews?

Felix swallows back a heavy lump, eyes still facing the wall. "I will be." He answers. He won"t let them down in front of the cameras.

Minho squeezes his shoulder, sniffling as he tells Felix to eat before gently getting up and leaving.

He shuts his eyes as the room shrouds itself in darkness once again.

The only thing he feels is sorry for his members.

***

He comes to just a couple hours later to the feel of someone plastered to his back.

He can immediately tell from the breathing that it"s Chan, having settled by his side sometime in the night and fallen asleep alongside him. He"s got an arm slung around Felix and his head buried in his neck.

Felix just doesn"t get it, why the sudden affection? It makes him want to cry again. He"s going to miss them so much, and he"s going to miss Chan especially.

He"s going to miss their jokes and the way they fit together like puzzle pieces. The guilt only grows thinking of how much he"s hurt their leader by bedrotting and not showing up for recordings and team discussions and by hurting their image. 

The fresh wave of tears only add to it, making his shoulders shake slightly as his chest kept hitching. Why can’t he be happy? Why can’t he be good enough ?

“Lixie?” Chan’s voice is muffled against his back as he wakes, tightening his hold when Felix’s cries reach his ears.

He doesn’t want them to know anything, doesn’t want to burden them further, but it’s Chan of all people pressed against his back, it’s his best friend holding him and pressing his face into Felix’s neck. It’s the person who knew his language and stood by him when he couldn’t even talk to anyone else, so Felix can’t contain it when he bursts into full sobs and shakes so hard that Chan starts to shake too.

“Felix, talk to me please.” He begs, and he can feel the wet tears against his neck, making him feel even worse because what kind of monster made the person they loved most cry?  

(He doesn’t want to do it, in a week. If he really cared about his members, he’d do it tomorrow.)

“What’s wrong?” Chan begs desperately, turning his head with two fingers on his cheek until they’re facing each other. “You’ve been like this for weeks, Lix. Do you even know how scared we are?”

He only starts sobbing harder at that. He’s such a shit friend for concerning them like that, he wishes they didn’t know him anymore. It’d make everything hurt less for them, they won’t have to deal with him anymore.

“I’m sorry,” he cries. “I’ll try to get better, at least before the interviews–”

Chan shushes him and drags him closer to his chest until they’re hugging, the affection is so much and so undeserved and he feels as if he could choke on his sobs any second. “That’s not what I meant, Lix. I don’t care about those– I’ll cancel them for you,”

Felix vehemently shakes his head and grips Chan’s shirt, eyes wide. “You can’t do that–”

“I can and I will. We’re not doing any promo until you feel better!” Chan cuts him off with a frown. Why is he mad? Why does Felix keep pissing everyone off? He just wants to be good, wants his final moments to be peaceful–

Another sob wrecks through him as Chan’s gaze turns remorseful and he takes a hand through his hair. “Just talk to us, I beg. What’s going on, little one? Where did our sunshine go?”

He’s shaking his head again and he can’t fucking breathe because of the amount of sobs, and Chan’s hands on his face are too fucking gentle for how much he bothers them on the daily and Felix wants everything to be over.

“Leave,” He can only gasp, eyes squeezed shut with relentless tears. “Just– Leave. You shouldn’t comfort me–”

Chan’s face crumbles even more. “Why not? Please just tell me what’s wrong, we can help– ”

“No, you should just leave–” His chest is going up and down rapidly, but he doesn’t want Chan to deal with him, not again, not after passing out or after his injury or everything else he’s bothered him with or his elimination because he’s never been good enough.

“I’m not fucking leaving!” Chan shouts, but it makes Felix flinch so violently he’s thrown off the bed anyway, leaving Felix curled up in a ball and sobbing in his hands once again.

“Felix–”

“ Leave!’’ He screams this time.

Chan doesn’t catch him the second time either, when he passes out from crying.

***

Out of everyone, he thinks Jeongin understands his feelings the most.

They’d all tried to be there for him after his rough few panic attacks. He appreciated it, even if he knew they did it out of pity and only so he’d heal faster for the second round of promotions. 

(He didn’t have much to offer on those either, because he didn’t bring enough to the group to be involved in them that much.)

He’s sitting at the kitchen island because he can’t sleep, a glass of water resting next to him when the younger finds him.

“Hi, hyung.” He greets quietly, filling his own glass before settling down next to him.

Felix’s eyes are exhausted as he smiles weakly, murmuring out a greeting and taking a sip.

Jeongin reaches out a hand to touch their pinkies together. “Chan hyung said we don’t have to do the interviews anymore.”

Felix sighs sadly. “I’m sorry… I don’t want to ruin promo season.”

“Why do you keep apologizing?” Jeongin sounds annoyed, pushing at Felix’s hand but returning to grip it. “We’re not blind, hyung. Something is wrong.”

He can’t get it over his heart to spill it all to Jeongin, to their youngest. He’ll be traumatized enough once he finds the letters Felix wrapped up last night.

He shakes his head slowly. “I’ll be okay, Innie–”

“Do you even believe your own fucking lie?” Jeongin asks, affronted.

Felix shrinks in on himself a little. Jeongin sighs, but his voice is a bit softer. Don’t, Felix wants to tell him. I don’t deserve it for all I’ve put you through.

“I know you’re struggling,” He whispers, holding his hand again. “And… I know food is hard, hyung. But you’re beautiful inside and out, or stays wouldn’t love you as much as they do.”

Felix swallows back a lump. “They shouldn’t.” He whispers. He had too many flaws for them to love him properly, or for anyone to love him for that matter. 

“Why do you think like that?” Jeongin sounds genuinely pained, but he didn’t give Felix any time to respond before he’d gotten up to wrap him in a hug. Felix soaks in it because he’s selfish, and because some part of him is desperate for his members to love him again, to treat him as their baby again even though he did nothing but hurt them.

“I don’t know.” He whispers back tearfully. “Everything is just hard and I don’t know who I am anymore.”

Jeongin tightens his hold, and Felix’s heart squeezes. He’s going to miss them so much.

***

Next week comes, and Felix proves (once again) to be a coward.

It had been the same the past week. Felix had slipped back in the same negative cycle due to the mistake of opening twitter and seeing the reactions to his very public breakdown, and had kept his door locked for his members, no matter how many times they knocked and asked him to come out.

He didn’t get it. Why would they care? The interviews were cancelled, so there was no way for Felix to fuck up their image even more than he already had. There weren’t any recordings either, so it didn’t make sense when Minho delivered a cup of honey green tea upon hearing his raspy voice. It all didn’t make sense. 

Chan got the interviews cancelled, but no matter how hard he’d fought (according to Jisung) they couldn’t get out of their appearance on mnet for the award shows, landing them in a car taking them to the main building.

He was sitting between Changbin and Seungmin, both of them slipping their hand in Felix’s quietly while driving. 

It didn’t make sense, but Felix squeezed their hands anyway. 

He’d laid the letters on their pillows just before leaving. He was supposed to do it today, but… Changbin and Seungmin were holding his hand, and Hyunjin kept glancing at him from the backseat, fingers twitching as if he wanted to hold him too.

Felix shook his head to get rid of the ridiculous thoughts. It was all just out of pity, he had to remind himself, all because they have a public appearance. He forces himself to think again about how Hyunjin had hissed when he grabbed his shoulder and how Chan snapped, because he doesn’t deserve these people. He’s too boring and sensitive and bad looking for the band too, he reminds himself. He can’t stay. He doesn’t deserve to.

There’s another lump in his throat again as he steps out of the car, entering the building across bright flashes and trying to hide behind Changbin. One last evening, he tells himself.

He grabs the first champagne flute he sees when he’s inside, ignoring Minho’s protests to not drink on an empty stomach.

***

The wind is strong as it blows against Felix’s face, waving through his hair and giving him a chill, despite the alcohol in his system keeping his body warm.

He’s drunk. He knows that. He’s most likely depressed, too convinced of his own self hatred and insecurities to listen to anyone else. He knows that, too. 

He’s sitting on the rooftop of a very high building, bustling traffic below him, suicide letters already ready for his members back at the dorms. He’d entrusted Chan with the notes for his family too, not wanting to leave them hanging. This was something he was overly aware of.

He didn’t want to do it in such a dramatic way, he supposes. The bathtub crossed his mind more than once, but… He didn’t want to taint their home with bad memories. Getting drunk was just a tactic to keep himself from chickening out.

The cars zoomed past down below. Yellow, red, white, green, rushing past in a blur and barely registering in his drunken mind, swinging his legs off the ledge. He’d spent the evening quietly watching his members laugh and interact, not wanting to forget their faces once he’s gone.

He feels bad for the stays, but… he’s sure they won’t miss him too much. The songs would sound much better without his voice anyway, not sticking out as a sore thumb anymore against all of their beautiful lilted ones.

His chest aches for the millionth time thinking about them, about his soul brothers. A sob bubbles from his throat. It was just so unfair, you know? All he ever wanted was to make people happy. He didn’t know when down that road it had become that he just wanted to survive one more day.

He doesn’t want them to feel guilty or hate him even more. I’ll be okay, He’d promised in every letter. The cars are loud, but his mind is louder, telling him that it’s time. He’s always known, deep down. He’s always known he wasn’t made for the long lasting life. He just wished he didn’t suck so much during his short life. He wished he actually looked pretty, he wished he wasn’t so sensitive, he wished he could dance properly and he wished his members loved him. 

Another sobs wrecks through him at the thoughts, and before he knows it all the dams have been released. He cries and sobs and shakes like the emotional child he’s always been, his heart hurts thinking of everything he’s about to leave behind but he knows it’s for the better, both for him and everyone else. He has no reasons to go on, no reasons to live.

His hands grip the ledge as he hiccups, tears blurring his vision. “I’m sorry,” He whispers, to no one in particular. “I’m sorry I’m not strong or good enough–” He can’t even finish what he’s saying before he’s choked again. They’ll be so disappointed, won’t they? They’ve showed that they don’t hate Felix as much as he thought they did, but he’s still here, still on this ledge like he planned to a week ago, he’s still about to leave after Minho’s continuous attempts to feed him and Jeongin’s hugs and Chan’s concerns, he’s so incredibly selfish–

“ Felix! ” 

The mentioned man jolts so violently he nearly slips down before strong arms wrap around his shoulders and drag him backwards by force, despite him flailing and screaming. They bury their head in Felix’s neck as Felix is shaking, screams of protests futile because of their strong grip.

“Let me go! ” He can only shout, throat ripping itself open with wails. “Just let me jump, it’ll be better for everyone–”

The person holding him shakes his head frantically with jerky movements, tightening his hold until Felix can’t move at all. “Let go of me!” He tries desperately, slurring his words. “I don’t deserve to be saved–”

He’s cut off by the sound of his holder sobbing, and through his foggy brain he registers the sounds and ties them to his leader, starting to recognize the familiar feel of the chest behind him. It’s Chan who found him. 

“I’m sorry,” Chan whimpers, and he’s shaking even worse than Felix now. “I’m sorry we haven’t been there for you– I’m sorry I failed you, Lixie. I’m so fucking sorry–” He chokes on another cry, but his hold is completely unwavering. 

“Why do you care? I’d be doing you a favor.” Felix whispers back, slumped down. He’s exhausted. He just wants to close his eyes and never open them again.

“Don’t say that!” Chan chokes out. “Don’t ever fucking say something like that again– Of course I fucking care. You’re my soulmate. You’re one of us.”

Despite everything, Felix feels the tears start making their way back up, shivering in his hold. 

Chan coddles him further in his chest and takes off his jacket to drape it over him, whispering reassurances as he lays kisses over his hair. “You’re okay, Lix. I’ve got you. The others are on their way and we all love you so much.” He murmurs through thick tears, only making Felix cry harder.

This is all he’s wanted to hear for weeks, but he only feels boneless in Chan’s grip while his chest hitches with sobs again, and everything is so fucking shit, The cars zoom past under him and he can"t fucking breathe, his chest feels like it"s on fire and his shoulders are shaking with sobs and his head is pounding, but Chan is here, he"s here, and he"s got his arms around Felix, and there are six other people just like him waiting anxiously down the stairs. Six other people who care about him. Six others who have been trying to talk to him for weeks despite his best efforts to shut them out, six others who loved him and who he’d just disregarded because of his own stupid self destructive habits–

“I’m so sorry,” Felix gasps out in response finally. “I’m sorry, I’ve been so fucking selfish, Channie, I never wanted to disappoint or hurt anyone–”

Chan shushes him gently while stroking his hair and wiping his tears. “You didn’t disappoint us, little one,” He whispers, pained, “We were all just worried out of our minds for you. We love you so much, Felix. You’re not selfish for struggling, I just–” His voice breaks on the syllable, heaving a sob again before continuing. “I’m so glad I got here on time.”

Felix feels his chest heave again as he holds onto Chan for support, eyes filling to the brim. If Chan hadn’t gotten here, he’d– He’d been about to– Oh god–

The cries rip through him in a constant stream, pretty sure the entire city could hear him as he wailed until his vocal chords gave up on him, trembling and shaking like a leaf.

Chan is there, this time. He passes out with the feel of his arms around him.

***

The living room had never been this quiet.

Chan is still shaking despite the fact that it’s been an hour since the event, hand clutching Jeongin’s in a death grip while his youngest has his body sagged against their leader, curled up completely. For once in his life, Chan doesn’t have any words of comfort for his members. not being able to do much else other than reach down and stroke Seungmin’s hair, the other boy sitting on the floor with his knees drawn up and red rimmed eyes.

“We should’ve known–” Hyunjin sobs out from the opposite couch, trembling in Changbin’s arms. “There were so many signs and yet–”

“We tried. ” Minho shoots back, tears leaking at a steady pace. “We tried talking to him and being there for him, Hyunjin.”

“He even wrote letters.” Jisung’s voice is barely above a whisper from the floor, holding the envelope as if it’s contagious. “He planned this, guys. He wrote one for all of us.” He sounds horrified, and Chan is sure they all feel the same.

“How did this happen, guys?” He can’t help but ask. “How did our Felix get to this point?” His voice sounds as exhausted as he feels, feeling as if his heart has been ripped from his chest.

"He lost so much weight..." Changbin whispers with a shudder, eyes as soulless as everyone else in the room. 

Chan"s questions go unanswered, lost between aches and sniffles and sobs. None of them had any energy left after bringing Felix home. There had been someone going in his room to check on him every ten minutes, but he was still out like a light.

Chan hadn’t been moved from his side for the first half hour, only agreeing to leave when his sobs got too loud and he was worried Felix would wake up. 

He shuts his eyes when he feels Jeongin’s silent tears on his shoulder. 

***

There are fingers in his hair again when Felix wakes up, stroking them away from his eyes.

He still feels horrible, entire body aching alongside a hungover headache, and his stomach is rolling, only worsened when memories start resurfacing. He groans out, making the fingers on his forehead still.

There’s a quiet gasp from whoever’s lap his head is resting on, and Felix recognizes Seingmin’s voice. He turns his head, only to be indeed met with his younger member staring at him with wide red eyes.

He blinks a bit, before casting his eyes down and swallowing a lump. “Hi, Minnie.”

Before he knows it, he’s dragged up into a crushing hug. “Felix,” Seungmin breathes, stroking his back gently. “We were so worried… ”

“I’m sorry.” Felix can only whisper back, indulging in the hug and melting against him. 

“Stop apologizing,” Seungmin says, shaking his head. “We’re just glad you’re okay. When Chan hyung said you were on the roof–” His breath hitches in the middle of his sentence, tightening the hug around Felix. 

“I didn’t want to worry you guys.” He says quietly, but Seungmin looks crushed as he pulls back, eyes shining. 

“What did you think was going to happen? We love you, hyung. Of course we were worried.”

The guilt is eating Felix alive, and he can’t get himself to look at Seungmin when he admits, “You guys weren’t supposed to find out. Not until– until I left.”

His confession hangs heavy in the air, and Seungmin’s hand on his shoulder feels suffocating. 

“You really planned this?” Seungmin whispers brokenly, and when Felix looks up there’s tears running down his cheeks, only making the hole in his chest wider. “You really wanted to die?”

Felix has to swallow back bile rising in his throat, trying so desperately to keep from crying again. “I didn’t want to… I just didn’t think I deserved to live. I didn’t think anyone would want me to.”

Seungmin scoffs, and it’s harsh enough to make him startle and stop fiddling with his fingers. “Are we nothing to you? Do the seven years we spent together mean nothing to you, hyung? Of course we want you to live! These past weeks have been hell. We just want you to be okay.”

Felix is a weak man and always has been, so when the door opens to the rest of his members rushing in upon having heard their voices, he loses the battle and starts promptly crying again, being engulfed by Changbin immediately.

“It’s okay, Lixie.” the older man just whispers, and everyone’s sitting around him and touching him in one way or the other, Hyunjin keeps running his hands through Felix’s hair and Jisung is stroking his back and Seungmin is wiping his tears, and maybe Felix isn’t as hated by them as he thought he was.

“Why didn’t you talk to us, angel?” Hyunjin cries, almost rivaling Felix with the tears. “Why didn’t you tell us that you didn’t feel beautiful or that you didn’t feel well?”

Was the guilt ever going to end? He didn’t exactly want to die anymore, but a part of him still wishes he jumped, that Chan didn’t get to him. At least if he didn’t he wouldn’t have had to deal with them being so disappointed.

“I’m so sorry, I didn’t want to burden you guys even further.” Felix sobs, clinging to Changbin like a lifeline, leaning into everyone’s touches. 

Chan’s expression looks the most pained as he cups his face and presses a gentle kiss against Felix’s forehead, staying there even when he’s pulled his lips away. “You’ll never be a burden to us, little one. We’re so incredibly happy that you"re still with us.”

Hyunjin reaches forward and presses his own kiss against Felix’s temple, holding him close as he whispers, “You told me you have another reason to live when you look at me, did I not try hard enough? Is that why you haven’t spoken to us in weeks? I’m sorry, my Lixie. I promise I’ll do better.”

Felix can’t do anything but sob harder as he holds onto Hyunjin’s hand and mumbles out apologies and swears it’s not his fault or any of their faults, really, and Minho keeps a hand on his back alongside Han, and Felix feels Jeongin nuzzle his shoulder somewhere from behind. His members are surrounding him from all sides, holding him close, and it’s getting harder and harder to believe that they’re mad at him.

“Do you even know how much we care about you?” Minho’s voice is quiet in the room, but Felix hears it loud and clear. “You’re our baby. never in a million years would we hate you or want you gone.”

The words are so raw, so open, and he knows Minho means them because he wouldn’t lie, not about something like this and right after everything. Minho wouldn’t lie to Felix. It overwhelms him further and makes him sink into the grip Jeongin and Changbin have on him, both of them tightening their holds.

“You’ll never bother us.” Changbin whispers to him. “We’re all here for you, always. We’re the ones who should be sorry, Yongbok. We’re sorry if we ever made you think otherwise.”

Felix sniffs in Changbin’s neck. “Please don’t do that… don’t apologize for my own mistakes–”

“Struggling isn’t a mistake, hyung.” Jeongin is quick to cut in. “You don’t have to explain yourself, we’re just happy that you’re okay.”

Hyunjin smiles at him softly and strokes his hair again, thumb catching to wipe his wet cheeks. “And we’ll be here from now on, Felix. From now on you tell us everything that’s bothering you, and we’re here to catch you when you fall.”

Felix feels so overwhelmed, both with good and bad emotions, both with guilt and love for his members and fuck, he’d nearly lost the best thing he’s ever had.

“Who would I game with without you, Lix?” Seungmin whispers teasingly, and the sight of his small smile is enough for one to grow on Felix’s face as well. 

“You’re my other half, sunshine. I wouldn’t be a twin without you.” Jisung murmurs, pressed against his other shoulder, and it all just feels so warm a laugh bubbles out of Felix, causing everyone to relax a bit at seeing their sunshine finally laugh again.

He’s not completely back, not by a long shot, dark thoughts still fill his mind and he’s just as tired of living as he was yesterday, but he has his members around him in one fierce entangled group hug, and they’re all showing their love in one way or the other (have been doing so for weeks, if he thinks about it) and they’re here. They’ve been here when Felix needed him the most, and are still here after so many years.

Despite the still flowing tears and his still aching heart, a soft smile blooms on his face, one that hasn’t been there for way too long now. Like the clouds finally parting on a rainy day.

Chan catches his eye and strokes his arm in comfort, voice wobbly. “Welcome back, sunshine.”

He’s not okay. Hasn’t been for a time, won’t be for a while. But Chan is here, and so is the rest.

He’s not okay, but Felix finds he has seven more reasons to live when he looks at the people around him.