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Driving her blade into that white man’s chest was supposed to be the most fulfilling moment of her life, avenging both her and her mother and accomplishing what she swore her entire being to. So that everything that had come of this venture would have been worth it, every slice of her sword, every splatter of blood and everyone she had pushed away in the process. So she could finally breathe .
Though, when blue rivalled blue, a set of her own that had shared the same venomous sheen, glared back at her with words that had been breathed so abhorrently into her ear. She had come to realise that she could never truly be satisfied.
“You’re one of my own. A pity, really. I expected something more exciting, though, it’s never stopped me before.”
As the knife twisted, she tore it from the seeping bath of crimson and plunged it back in. Again, and again, and again, until her arms stung, until her gums ache under clenched teeth and her cheeks were damp with an all too familiar trickling of tears. The material of her shirt drenched in the repulsive warmth of the white man’s demise and it clung to her skin, stained her nails and matted her hair, and the lot of it nauseated her. She’d never been one to be squeasy over such things, but when the final squelch of the dulling blade carved the last of mangled flesh, she had felt the knife fall from her bloodied fingers. Her eyes frantically scanned the disfigured body, slumped beneath her weight and ultimately unrecognisable save for those bleak blue eyes pinned open to stare right back at her.
That’s it. What’s done is done. Her purpose was fulfilled and now she just felt empty .
Her head spun, she struggled to blink away the tears as they insisted on streaming profusely down her face and it all just felt so unfathomable. It’s all over. Torn inside out from the pressing thoughts of, what now? Her entire life dedicated to such vengeance that meant nothing to anyone but her. Now they were all dead, it changed nothing. Yet it changed everything.
Mizu choked a staggered breath and pawed at her face roughly, a pitiful attempt to erase the mix of liquids layering her skin as blood smeared with her tears, lathering thickly until it became a streaked mess. A sob escaped her lips and her palms fell from her face in defeat, feeling utterly hopeless.
Amidst it all, she failed to detect creeping footsteps until a weight settled upon her shoulder. At the contact she flinched, a balled fist striving in the stranger’s direction until it’s caught, trapped between a firm grip and Mizu realised it hadn’t been a stranger at all.
“Taigen.” She managed to bawl.
Taigen stooped to kneel at her side, dropping her fist just as quickly as he caught it. Mizu could just about make out his face through a blurry gaze, her chest painfully staggering as she struggled to catch her breath and she buried her face into her palms. She must look so pathetic, snot nosed and weeping as she’s covered head to toe in crimson. As though it weren’t embarrassing enough what she had to do to get to that white face bastard in the first place, Taigen bore witness to it all and she’s certain she could hear the unsaid whisper of ‘I told you so’. He must regret his outrageous claims of devotion, wished that he returned to Akemi’s side the minute he had the chance. The thought made her stomach flip and heart hammer through her ribcage.
“Hey, hey, Mizu.” Taigen whispered, reaching tentatively to peel back her hands to cup his own on the curve of her cheek. “You’re okay, okay?”
She sniffled and blinked wet lashes to stare at him, trapping her bottom lip between her teeth to gnaw it with vigour. Blood prickled from the persistent chewing and when the metallic taste hit her tongue she’s not entirely sure if the taste is of her own. Mizu’s lungs constrict, suffocating her with pitiful wheezing breaths and when Taigen’s thumb circled her cheek bone her breathing worsened.
“Mizu, just–” Taigen fumbled to brush sticky hair from her face, the careful act making Mizu’s heart wrench completely. “Your breathing– just focus. Look at me, copy me.”
Hastily she nodded, eager to please in an obscure way and she watched as he made a point of inhaling through his nose, and out through his mouth. She tried to mimic it, she really did try. In and then out, out then in, but no matter what way she attempted to achieve it, it proved fruitless. Instead, Mizu croaked uncontrollable coughs, leaning closer into those hands that were always so, so comforting.
As she gasped for another breath, Taigen yanked her forward, gathering her up into his arms as though she were a mere child as a hand cradled the crown of her head and the other glided up and down her back. It’s heavenly, as though she had never received such delicate touches before and Mizu crumbled, burying her disgusting face into the man’s neck and without a doubt ruining his clothes. She weeped and weeped until she couldn’t no more, until her eyes were swollen and lips were numb. Taigen never once ceased his comfort, his fingertips massaging into the bumps along her spine and it felt as though an eternity passed until the man finally spoke.
“We need to leave, before someone finds us and that–”
There’s a pause. Mizu didn’t need to look to know how he gestured to the maimed corpse merely a few steps away. She nodded as much as she was able and ungracefully rubbed her face into Taigen’s shoulder, a subtle bid to clear the drying damp variation of fluids on her face.
“Are you wiping your face on my clothes?” Taigen asked with an incredulous tone.
“No.”
An easy lie. Though, it did not sound as believable as she hoped.
“Right.” Taigen tutted, shifting to tug her from his shoulder and she allowed herself to be manoeuvred, blinking emptily up at him. “I’ll ignore that. Can you walk?”
Mizu wished to laugh, to ask the man if he were joking, to claim the white man didn’t even so much as manage to land a hit in their exchange. But that wouldn’t have been an easy lie. Her tongue felt heavy, it rolled about her tongue aimlessly and she couldn’t form words even if she tried. Instead she offered another nod.
In the next moment she’s forced to a wobbling stand, stumbling momentarily until Taigen’s outstretched arm steadied her. He gazed at her with a gentle expression and Mizu locked onto it with all she had. Quivering lungs began to calm, her fingers no longer tingled painfully and her view became clear. She exhaled deeply, and then inhaled. Finally. Taigen recognised the relief also, one of his hands appearing to finish the job of eradicating some of the blood and tears from her face with mindful swipes. Should she have found it sweet that he’s wiping the blood from her face? A last display of him pressing their foreheads together answered that question – Yes .
“Let’s go, be careful.” He had whispered and Mizu nodded one last time, their heads bumping together slightly as she did so.
Navigating the streets of London never grew easy, no matter how many times Mizu was sure she’d seen the same sign for some tavern that, for obvious reasons, always reeked of alcohol. But not the sweet tasting sake she’s used too, more of a clouded bitter scent that clogged her throat alongside the stench of damp cobbled paths. Something she couldn’t adapt to no matter how many times it wafted over.
Taigen had an arm hooked around her waist, tugging her along narrowing allies and she’s glad that they chose the middle of the night to finish off Routley. They had learnt that the British are extremely.. uptight. Would frown and whisper at blatant displays of affection or those of the opposite sex who got too close to one another, not to mention the fact that Mizu is soaked head to toe in dried blood. That would most definitely cross a line. Though, despite the anonymity the night offered, they wasted no time to stumble through a creaky back door, tripping up steep, wooden steps until they reached a second door, one requiring a key. Taigen produced the key with a swift reach into a pocket.
“Hurry up.” Mizu grumbled, her stomach churning with uneasy apprehension as she slapped a palm against the wall to calm her spinning vision.
Taigen grunted in response and a second later the door flew open, and he practically threw her inside to slam the door shut behind them, the clicking of the lock echoing in the room. Mizu shuffled and cupped her mouth, the budding nausea growing worse by the minute and the room was too dark, she could barely make out the small bed she and Taigen had been sharing, or where he was for that matter. A hand graced the back of her nape and she exhaled.
“You need to get cleaned up, I love you, but I’m not inclined to share the bed with blood and guts alongside you.” Taigen said softly, and she knew he was trying to lighten the mood, it’s always his first go to in situations like this.
Sometimes it just made her skin itch.
“I’m— not now.. Taigen, please.” She sounded so tragic. Her voice rough, and barely above a whisper.
The fingers at the back of Mizu’s neck massage into her skin and then there’s a shuffle, then a chin resting atop her shoulder.
“Sorry.” He mumbled and it made her feel guilty for being so curt. “I’ll clean you up, just sit on the bed, okay?”
Mizu nodded and nearly wept all over again at the feeling of his lips reaching to press on her cheek. She blindly reached to sit on the edge of the bed, the darkness in the room dissipating the second she did as Taigen lit a withering candle in the corner. The warm light was dim enough it didn’t sting her eyes at the sudden change, and she blinked swollen eyes to search for Taigen. Mizu hummed when he’d turned to face her.
“Take those clothes off, I’ll find you something else to wear.” He then dug through a small pile of folded clothes, pieces they’ve had to collect during their prolonged time in the foreign country and fished out some thin pants, men’s.
After a few blinks she complied, weak hands pulling apart the string holding together the rotten dress she wore until the stained fabric had been dropped at her feet. Cool air nipped at her bare skin and she would usually feel embarrassed, bare and open so casually, but Taigen has seen enough. Everything, really.
Unlike the past, Mizu couldn’t waltz in just as she did to Madame Kaji’s teahouse and leave with a route to the man she wanted to kill, a route easier in comparison to what she did to get to Routley. No, it had turned out the last white man expected his pending death, most likely hearing of his counterparts, and refused company from anyone at all, brandished his men with expensive guns and camped at a nearby brothel. Though he frequently sought out the company of such a place, unable to control himself even with his life on the line. They’re all the same, Mizu had thought. Which brought her to the only thing she could think of.
Taigen opposed the idea, of course, refused to speak to her for days leading up to her attack until the morning of, when she climbed atop of him whispering soft pleading words and Taigen, of course, gave in. He’d always been easy to read, but even more so now.
Rustling in the room stopped, and Taigen appeared in front of her, fighting a shirt over her head without much warning.
“You’re going to break my neck.” Mizu muttered but she aided in slipping her arms in through the shirt anyway.
Taigen snorted. “If only it was so easy.”
The material of the shirt scratched her skin, it’s cheap and something the poorer lot wore. They decided the best way to lay low in such an environment was to blend in with the dense population of the impoverished, easier to shield their faces with draped fabric — Taigen soon learned the cruelty bestowed upon those for the foreign shape and colour of their eyes.
Pants are then handed out to Mizu and she raised a brow.
“What? Not going to help me put those on too?” She smiled weakly and took them from his hands, shrugging them on with a lazy lift of her hips.
“Don’t get too spoilt.” Taigen grinned, it’s sweet and toothy, and it eased the weight on her chest an unbelievable amount.
He then disappeared from her line of view, returning with a decent sized bucket, half filled with water that is without a doubt freezing and dipped his hand in, retrieving a cloth. Mizu pulled a face, toes curled in anticipation.
“It’s going to be cold.” Taigen said, as though he could read her mind, and he wrung out the cloth before settling beside her, beckoning her to tilt closer with a gentle palm to her shoulder. “I’ll do your face first okay? And then your hands.” He paused, raking his eyes up to her hair, and the blood dried there. “Your hair, last.”
Mizu didn’t have much room to argue, she felt grim, the sooner she got rid of the sensation the better. She already had the bastard’s blood running through her veins, she didn’t need it coating her skin also.
“Thank you..”
“There’s no need for such words.” Taigen mumbled and he pressed the damp cloth to her forehead, gliding it across her face so tenderly Mizu wasn’t sure if the tears forming in her eyes were from what he said or what he did.
She blinked rapidly to rid them away and did her best not to cringe at the cold damp spreading. A sniffle, and she focused her gaze on Taigen’s look of concentration, brows pulled together and bottom lip trapped between his teeth. His eyes quickly flickered all over her, and he dabbed the bridge of her nose, her cheeks and then down the span of her neck. Mizu shivered. Her fingers carefully grasped the one’s clutching the cloth and he paused, finally focusing his eyes on hers.
Taigen’s bottom lip had freed itself and he opened his mouth to speak, but she leaned forward first, pressing their lips together for a brief, treasured moment. She needed it, a reminder, it felt too long since she last savoured his chapped lips. When parted, Taigen grazed another kiss to the tip of her nose and smiled.
“I’ll never be done at this rate.” He chuckled and the cloth began moving again before it pulled away.
Picking up her hands next, Taigen delicately ran the cloth along each finger, circling over her knuckles and palms until pale skin resurfaced, no longer tinted red. Mizu observed idly, the tension beneath her temple throbbed and her eyelids drooped. It didn’t take long for Taigen to then guide her down to the floor, prompting her to dunk her hair in the water, and she did. The freezing water reaching her roots slapped her awake instantly.
“I hate this..” Mizu grumbled out, though, she’s a liar, as when Taigen’s fingertips began to scrub at her scalp and work through the bloodied knots and tangles she groaned.
His fingers are quick, but careful, and soon enough he’s finished and twisting her long strands to squeeze excess water.
“All done now, we’ll get some rest, okay?” Taigen said.
Mizu lifted her head and her shoulders ached from the unnatural position but she shrugged it off, so exhausted she wanted nothing more than to just curl up into his pacifying body heat and just sleep .
“Please.” She breathed and then she’s hoisted up and tucked beneath flimsy blankets, the warmth of Taigen’s bare skin following minutes later.
He’d removed his shirt, thank god, and Mizu could finally feel the muscled chest beneath her cheek and it felt so overwhelmingly right. Her damp hair had both of their skin erupt in goosebumps but Taigen combed his fingers through the strands nonetheless.
“You know I love you.” He then said, or asked, low and hushed for just her to hear.
She adored it.
“I love you too.” Mizu managed to reply, or answer.
“What happened, you know, in there?” Taigen whispered and Mizu cuddled closer into him, tangled their legs together and sighed.
“It doesn’t matter.”
“Doesn’t matter? I thought you were going to choke yourself to death.”
The scolding tone made her wince, and she propped up her chin on his chest to look up at him. His fingers still carded through her hair, wriggling through any knots, root to end.
“I’m fine now, so it doesn’t matter.” Mizu repeated and he blinked down at her with a gut wrenchingly dumbfounded look. She chewed the inside of her cheek. “Don’t look at me like that.. please.”
Taigen averted his eyes for a moment before sighing. “I was just worried. Okay?” It came out rushed and it didn’t match the softness of his touch. “I just want to know what is going on with you.”
“Sorry.”
A beat passed; then another.
“Look— I—,” he cleared his throat with an unsure sound, “don’t apologise… a lot’s happened. You need time.”
Mizu’s bottom lip trembled but she lay her cheek back down with an approved hum, ingraining how each fingertip circled her scalp in deep, purposeful motions. She couldn’t help how her mind dizzied her, replaying odd moments of the night until all she could see behind closed eyelids was the bloodied corpse. How lifeless blue eyes stared back.
Even through much anticipated sleep she couldn’t erase it, it clung to the back of her mind and wouldn’t let go, rooted itself there and he wouldn’t let go. He clawed at her skin, pulled at that dress, jabbed the barrel of his gun to her head and laughed . Only in this manufactured memory did the finger pull at the trigger and before she could make sense of it all, eyes snapped open and Mizu flung herself up.
Her lungs felt as though they’d shrunk, she clutched a stuttering chest and her eyes darted wildly to comprehend her surroundings. The candle in the corner had withered into a clump of cooled wax and once again the room had been cloaked in darkness save for thin slivers of moonlight that now illuminate the sheets, snores grumbled from a lump beside her and— she sighed. Composing deep breaths, Mizu swiped a palm to smear away the layer of cold sweat coating her forehead, combing away still damp strands of hair that clung to her face.
It became recurrent, waking like this whilst they were in London. Sometimes intense enough to thrash and kick from the unconscious misery until Taigen would rouse from his own sleep to shake her awake, surprising as he tended to be a deep sleeper, refusing to so much as flinch, and he would bundle her up to mutter sweet, reassuring words until she calmed. It never grew old, to be on the receiving end of such comfort, in fact she craved it more and more until she felt as though she would go mad. Though, she wished it hadn't needed to happen because she couldn’t handle a nightmare. Mizu had been through worse than bad dreams, more than enough near death experiences she wouldn't be able to count them on just her fingers, and toes, combined. How awfully pathetic she had become.
Swallowing thickly, Mizu attempted to placate the churning of her stomach, a feverish heat erupting across her skin as she massaged her temples in languid, circular movements. It proved to be no use, however, as she found herself jerking away from the bed to spew her guts into the bucket Taigen had left at the side of the bed, just about reaching it in time. She heaved and retched on the acidic bile until the contents of her stomach had been thoroughly driven out and in a fleeting thought Mizu is glad she chose to have a light breakfast that morning. A trembling hand clutched her abdomen as she grunted, vomiting had been a new one.
The room became eerily silent. All that reached her ears were own laboured breaths that echoed from wall to wall and it occurred to her that silence meant Taigen had blinked awake.
“Mizu?”
Her head experienced a temporary flash of vertigo, struggling to blink away tears that prickled from the vigorous vomiting.
“I’m fine, you can go back to sleep.” Mizu choked out but she knew better that Taigen would actually obey such a thing. “I’m fine.”
Hunched over the bucket, she spat out the vile aftertaste on her tongue just as the sheets shuffled behind her and she sat back into her heels. Moments later an arm circled her waist to splay a palm across her stomach, gliding delicately in a way that has Mizu hiccuping.
“Liar.” Taigen said, groggy with sleep and breathing right on the shell of her ear with the point of his chin positioned on her shoulder.
“It’s over now anyway.” She tried to reassure.
Taigen hummed disapprovingly into her ear and Mizu unconsciously leaned back into him, eyelids drooping at the stinging need to drift back to sleep. Preferably right then and there, uncaring of how the bleak wooden floor scraped and numbed her feet. Taigen shifted to hook Mizu in his grasp before manoeuvring her with such, such , careful hands to lay back into tousled sheets before disappearing with the thudding of footsteps. Mizu blearily watched as he disappeared, brows furrowed up until the moment Taigen returned to collapse back into bed. She shuffled closer, drawing knees to her chest so she could stare down with a stupidly tender gaze and hesitantly ghost fingertips along the side of his cheek.
“Where did you go?” Mizu then asked softly.
“Your sick bucket.” He merely responded with a muffled, slurred voice.
She glanced over and the bucket was gone. Sometimes, she could admit, Taigen had some initiative.
“Thank you.” She mumbled back.
Taigen made a sound of acknowledgement before catching her hand in his, circling his thumb across her knuckles. They shared a content silence, and Mizu stayed curled in on herself to watch how the thumb bumped along each ridge, dipped between her fingers and then turned his head ever so slightly to press a kiss to her palm. Mizu’s heart clenched.
The tranquil silence felt secure, safe, as though no one could reach them. Foolish, really, as Mizu knew the moment the sun peaked from the horizon they would have to up and leave, board the first boat she’d be able to bribe and go.. home(?). For Taigen, it would be home, for her? She wasn't so sure. Taigen just wanted to be happy, he had told her, and he felt most happy at her side. Mizu had nothing to offer, no money, no prospects. Didn’t fit in in Japan or in London. Had no belonging. Maybe he would realise all this once the adrenaline of adventure had worn off, that beyond wielding a sword she’s ultimately.. boring.
Maybe when the ship headed towards Japan, between unnamed waters she could stand at the bow and wonder if the best fitting place to finish her quest would be amongst the turbulent current, with seasalt filling her lungs and the weight of her shame dragging her down. She wouldn’t be intruding, she would be right at home. Bones left to rest at the perfect halfway point.
Or Mizu could return to Japan and grant Taigen the duel he’d pleaded for all that time ago. Though he would now refuse to draw his blade, it wouldn’t take long for Mizu to convince him otherwise. She could anticipate every step, how a sharp breath practically screamed the oncoming jab of his sword and she’d know where it would land. Taigen would most likely aid in making it so easy, just so he could be pinned beneath her like he usually did but Mizu would let the point hit, the steel pierce her chest until blood spluttered from her throat. She had taken and took, and she could finally give. Restore his honour to go back to the life he lived before meeting her. Besides, Mizu believed it wouldn’t be so bad dying at his hands, she’d know they could have the same comfort in death as they did in life.
Taigen still laid awake, she could tell, the room still lacking his annoying little snores and she clenched her teeth together, the irrational fear that he had heard every single one of her thoughts flashed through her mind.
“You know, it’s not often you think loudly, but I can always tell when you are.” Taigen had abruptly said, and it occurred to Mizu how he’d been peering up at her, too wrapped up in her own thoughts to notice.
“You always think loudly.” Mizu grinned softly.
“Can you tell what I’m thinking now?”
“I said you think loud, not that I can read your mind.”
Taigned snorted and placed another kiss on her calloused palm.
“Do you want to guess?” He then asked and it had been breathed out so smoothly, practically tickling her eardrums at the charm of it.
Mizu tilted her head, made a clicking noise with her tongue and shrugged casually. “There’s so many idiotic thoughts I can’t keep up, my guess would be wrong just because your brain jumped to something else in the same second.”
He whisked his head up to throw a look of offence and flattened his tongue across her hand, leaving a trail of warm saliva on her skin that has her screwing up her face in distaste.
“You’re disgusting.”
“Guess what I'm thinking.” Taigen demanded once again.
Huffing at his childishness Mizu tucked semi dry strands of hair behind her ear and wriggled down the bed to lay beside him, the hand he had in his grasp snatched back so she could look at eye, perfectly eye level. He’s quick to wind his fingers around the back of her neck, gently squeezing the nape and Mizu’s breath hitched. It’s too quiet, their breath mingled between them and she’s tugged so close their noses brushed together, she could make out inky eyes through the dark it would be natural to just lose herself in them, maybe the blue of her own would gradually match his with how much time they shared.
She must have taken too long to answer because Taigen copied her huffed breath and pursed his lips, he looked oddly determined, the previous sleep-addled expression now snapped awake.
“Fine, I'll just tell you.”
Mizu knew he would eventually. He’d always lacked patience.
There’s a deep breath and the words he spoke escape his lips in a meek mumble. “I wish to be your husband, when we return home.. If you’d allow it.”
That was something she hadn’t expected. Her throat closed up and her eyes blew wide. She swallowed thickly and tried to ignore how the hand to the back of her neck made her feel so malleable, how he wet his lips with a quick swipe of his tongue. She resisted the urge to choke.
“How was I supposed to guess that..” Mizu decided to reply.
Taigen rolled his eyes, but it lacked the annoyance usually paired alongside it.
“Well– I don't know, I–,” he scrunched his nose, “stop ruining my attempt to show I love you.”
“Were you not showing me any other time?”
“Now you’re twisting my words.”
Mizu exhaled a small laugh and smiled fondly, admiring how he’d graced her with another grin. Unsure of what to say next, Mizu leaned her head back into his hand, grasping any coherent thought to comprehend what had been asked of her.
Married. To her. Taigen wanted to be her husband. Not for her to be his wife. It’s a minor change, one most people wouldn’t bother to notice, but she’s sure that if this conversation occurred before they journeyed to London, Taigen would naively ask for Mizu to be his and she would’ve most likely declined. Not for a lack of love, but a refusal to belong to a man once again. It’s funny, she thought, how the changing of two simple words had her reconsidering everything she stood against. To anyone else she would be ‘his wife’, but that didn’t matter, as long as Taigen didn’t see it as such.
“I’ve been married before.” Mizu blurted out and her eyes pinned to examine his expression. “When I was seventeen.”
Taigen, clearly taken aback, prodded his fingertips up into her scalp.
“Who?” He asked quietly.
“A dishonoured samurai, a horse trainer, my mother insisted I marry him. He wished to earn back his title with the best horse he could raise.” Mizu couldn’t help the blurred resemblance of Mikio’s face crossing her mind.
“Right..” Taigen stared and the growing beats of her heart made the moment pass so much slower. “How come you're not… anymore?”
Mizu’s mouth dried up, the paranoia that she’d spoiled another chance of normal domesticity eating her inside out.
“He–,” she cleared her throat, “he betrayed me. I bruised his ego so he found it easier to sell me out for his title than earn it–”
“Wait, wait.” Taigen interrupted with a stunned expression. “You bested him. In a duel?”
Mizu narrowed her eyes. “So?”
“Nothing! It’s just– I let you best me in a spar because it’s you know..”
“You do not let me.”
“That’s not my point.” Taigen kissed his teeth and lightly dug his fingers further up onto the crown of her head, threading between strands. “I just think he was a fool.”
“And you’re not?” Mizu mused.
He shook his head. “Not in the same way, no.”
It’s right then it became definite that she wanted nothing more than to see that stupid face and the idiotic grin that came with it till her final breath, whenever that may be.
“Okay.” Mizu breathed.
“Okay?”
“I’ll allow it. If you still want it.”
“More than anything.”