Chapter Text
News Years Eve.
The time of new beginnings.
Of revelations.
Of growth and change.
Of becoming the person you want to be.
Of realisation.
2012 was quickly slipping into 2013 or perhaps it was the other way around with 2013 creeping into 2012. Time was funny that way, it had no beginning and no end. Was this week an extension of last week or was last week a prologue to this week? Both. And neither.
Hugh rather hated New Year’s. It was all just stressing out about the year ahead and trying to make it perfect and the best year yet without actually appreciating the year itself. It was stupid but then again, a party, music, talking to a whole bunch of people, dancing, singing at the top of your lungs—his extroverted-self loved that kind of shit.
The only problem was that the New Year’s party he had been invited to this time around was more of an event that a party. One of those stupid wine and dine and pretend you’re fine when really you wanted to be home at nine kind of situations. It was essentially just making sure one looked as beautiful as possible whilst pretending to take sips of drinks that tasted terrible and making small-talk with actors whose work he’d never actually seen. That and trying to cover the fact that he was trying to pour his glass into a nearby pot plant because really, who the fuck thought this tasted good?
Hugh sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose as he weaved in and out of various groups of people, all of which a blur of faces that he either didn’t recognise or could only muster up a vague greeting towards. A bitter mixture of irritation and hurt simmered in the pit of his stomach as he made his way through the party. The party itself was held at this building that was an odd mix of mansion and museum, not quite homely enough to be a house but not professional enough to be a public building. As in, the thing itself most likely belonged to somebody here and Hugh guessed it was one of the many with an absolute dire lack of personality. The speakers are currently blasting Best Song Ever and the sound itself makes for an uncomfortable listening experience given that somebody else is desperately trying to play a delicate piano piece in the foyer.
It's not the best night ever that’s for sure because the one person who was supposed to be here tonight has yet to show himself. Hugh pulled his phone out of his pocket and debated on texting Ryan to ask where he was; part of him wanted to just get it over with so he didn’t have to continue this charade of looking like a lost puppy at the top of the marble staircase in a feverish search for the other and the latter part of him wanted to hold off, to not seem so in constant need to be with Ryan all the time.
It was stupid and ridiculous and that seemed to be a running theme between the two of them these days.
Hugh takes a breath, considering his options before letting it go. He was tapping out a text before he could stop himself.
9.23pm
His Royal Hughness
Hey where r u?
*Sent*
Hugh bit his lip, now feeling strangely nervous as he stepped out of the way awkwardly to let others pass him down the stairs. He felt a gentle hand on his shoulder and he turned, forcing a beaming smile down at James McAvoy.
“Alright mate?” James asked, his accent more pronounced and Hugh assumed it was because of the drink in his hand.
Hugh nodded because really, he was normal, cool and casual and was in no way on the brink of getting upset over Ryan not being here. He bid a polite goodbye to the Scotsman and continued making his way down the lavish staircase, trying not to trip over with his hurried steps. Where the fuck was Ryan?
He slid past another hoard of people, all black and white suits and lovely gowns, all fakeness and pathetic attempts at pretending to care about who was talking to you. All a façade and a performance. As he stepped out onto the pretty outside gathering space (it was way too big to call it some kind of patio), Hugh remembered what a friend of his had once asked him about actors. How do you tell if anybody’s genuine? If an actor or a performer does anything then isn’t it still just a performance?
Of course, that statement was very much true with the scene happening inside and was confirmed by the overly-loud fake laughter and poor attempts at ‘no, no, you, look lovely, oh yes, this is Dior, and yes this is Louis Vuitton but ah, it’s nothing really, yes my makeup and clothing is professionally done, why do you ask?’
It was stupid and he didn’t care that he was being paid to be here because the whole reason for Hugh to come here tonight was to see Ryan and by some divine curse, the man wasn’t actually here.
His phone vibrated in his pocket as he breathed in the crisp evening air.
Rhyno
What do you mean? I’m at home?
Hugh frowned as he read and re-read the message. Ryan was pulling his leg surely. They were Marvel actors and this was a Marvel/Superhero event (there were technically a bunch of DC and other action-film stars here also so one could hardly call the whole thing a Marvel Fiesta), so Ryan should be here? It didn’t matter that he’d only been partly in one X-Men movie or that Green Lantern hadn’t been that great—and Hugh was sticking to that phrase because Ryan had seemed so heartbroken but that whole film’s shitshow—Ryan should still be here seeing as he was invited…and, he’d said he would be.
He promised.
Hugh pursed his lips, taking a deep breath before typing out his response. What he was about to say was going to sound childish, he knew, but he couldn’t help it. Ryan hadn’t even hit him up with a text saying he couldn’t make it and Hugh felt shame course through him as the realisation hit him.
Ryan didn’t want to go through with what they’d been planning for tonight.
And that was fine.
But god, what did one have to do to get some basic communication?
His Royal Hughness
What? What about the party?
*Sent*
Rhyno
Oh that
Hugh’s frown deepened, bordering on a scowl. Oh, that?
Oh, that?
Seriously?
Did Ryan not actually give a fuck that he’d essentially just stood Hugh up?
His Royal Hughness
You said you’d come? If you didn’t wanna come that’s fine but why didn’t you just say that instead?
*Sent*
Rhyno
Why does it matter that I’m not there? It’s just a party
Hugh felt his fingers clench around the phone and he mentally counted to ten to wane off the coming anger. Ryan was often a difficult person to deal with when he was in one of these moods but generally there was something that caused it. Tonight, however, had started off fine and normal and they’d been texting throughout the week normally.
His Royal Hughness
Because we were going to do you know…
*Sent*
We were going to…
…Oh god
the embarrassment has finally hit him like a truck…
Hugh’s whole face flushed as he went to sit down near the fountain but stood up straight before he could. He was still…wearing the part of his present, with the other half in Ryan’s safe-keeping. It was supposed to be fun and silly and they’d both agreed.
But Ryan was here and instead, Hugh was now partially-sat in an odd crouch because he couldn’t really sit down properly given what was in him and the embarrassment was all too much. It was more than embarrassment. Humiliation. Shame. Another emotion that felt like an ugly color boring holes through his skin and heart. Urgh.
Rhyno
I’m sure you can find other people to chat to tonight. You have a fuck ton of friends dude
Hugh paused. Now that was clearly Ryan having a shot.
Ryan had always been insecure that Hugh was more outgoing that he was, he’d been open about it too and Hugh had found a wave of respect for Ryan in his ability to admit such a thing. It wasn’t easy after all. Hugh had said that Ryan had no need to feel so insecure, that everyone loved and adored him regardless, that everyone would want to be his friend (and would especially want to be his partner), that Hugh loved him.
Loved.
Hugh always said that he loved people.
The word came easy to him because he was open like that.
Ryan wasn’t.
And that was fine.
Just fine.
His Royal Hughness
What’s this about? Why are you mad at me?
*Sent*
Rhyno
I’m not mad at you??
His Royal Hughness
Then why aren’t you here?
*Sent*
After what seems like forever, Ryan finally responds.
Rhyno
I’m sorry I wanted to but I can’t
Hugh mulls those words over and types out a response slowly, trying to be careful so he doesn’t tread over any wounds with his message.
His Royal Hughness
Do you feel like annoyed at me?
*Sent*
Ryan’s view on their relationship wasn’t entirely known to Hugh. He was nowhere near as open as Hugh was about the whole thing and Hugh was respectful of that but sometimes…sometimes he just wished Ryan would just tell the truth. It was always a we’ll figure it out when clearly they couldn’t even figure out the most basic shit between the two of them.
Rhyno
No of course not!
His Royal Hughness
Ok then what?
*Sent*
All silence on both ends.
Hugh let out a heavy sigh and pocketed his phone. This was futile, he needed to talk to Ryan in person.
He stumbled back inside; let the people he ran into know he had to leave because of business (he told James he was sick mainly because the man seemed to see right through that poor excuse) and made his way back out on the street and into a taxi.
On the drive towards Ryan’s apartment, Hugh felt nervousness grow in the pit of his stomach. This all felt so stupid yet it was clearly a big deal to his racing heart. If only he could somehow get Ryan to put that his shield of humour enough to see right through the other man. If only they could be on the same page for once.
*******
Hugh stands there, stood at Ryan’s apartment and debates whether or not to actually go in and up the stairs, towards who knows what lies before him. The winter air does nothing to help his nerves and he leans back against the cool brick, eyeing the way the streetlights dance off the wet leaves of the pot plants next to him. He forces himself to swing the front door open (he doesn’t need to buzz, he has a key—and fuck, he has a key—why were they both here pretending like what was going on between was nothing when he had a fucking key for god’s sake?)
A key to Ryan’s home.
And Ryan had a key to Hugh’s heart.
He takes the stairs up instead of the lift, using the extra walking time to collect his thoughts. What was he going to say anyway?
Why didn’t you come and play with me in front of everyone?
Why didn’t you control the vibrator I have shoved up my ass in front of all to see?
Neither of which seemed like viable options.
Hugh rocks back on his feet in front of Ryan’s door.
He barely knocks before it swings open.
“Hi” Hugh’s words feel shallow.
“Hey” Ryan mumbles. Ryan looks…like a mess, quite frankly. Physically, he’s nothing less than the picturesque man Hugh fell in love with but there’s something else there, a heavy-set frown scarring his pretty features an something that looks like pain and worry behind his doe eyes.
“So—”
“I’m sorry” Ryan cuts in, his hands moving frantically to yank Hugh inside and slam the door shut behind him. “I’m sorry I should’ve said I wasn’t coming, should’ve said I wasn’t going to…you know.” He gestures to Hugh’s lower half and Hugh turns scarlet. Was this always going to be so intense? “I just…I wasn’t sure if I could do it.”
Hugh nods quickly, taking Ryan’s hands in his own. The other’s hands are cool to the touch, they always were somehow. “I know, I know, I’m sorry, I should’ve asked again—”
“No” Ryan shakes his head feverishly. “I wanted to, I just…I okay, can we sit down?” Ryan cocks his head towards the living room.
Hugh lets himself be led towards the couch and there’s something he really likes about the way Ryan is taking charge. It was so unlike the times they’d had together previously and he could already feel the scales of power between them tipping in the other direction. That’s what tonight was supposed to be about, wasn’t it?
He sits down quickly but before he can even get two words out, Ryan is talking again, his words sounding like he was suffocating.
“I don’t want to come across as controlling” Ryan murmurs and Hugh frowns.
“But I thought we said I liked it when you were?”
“I know” Ryan sighs, leaning back against the couch cushion. A faint smile crosses his face when Hugh moves closer, his arm resting on his leg so Hugh pushes down firmer until he’s embraced in a semi-cuddle, resting all his weight on Ryan. It feels…nice, to be the one held for once. “But I feel…a little too controlling of you” Ryan says the confession softly like he’s admitting to some kind of crime.
“Okay?” Hugh says tentatively. “And if I want that?”
Ryan scoffs and shakes his head. “You have no idea what you’re even agreeing to. I want to own you for fuck’s sake.”
“You do!” Hugh nearly shouts. He glances around the apartment anxiously, hoping the walls are thick enough to conceal his voice. He didn’t need the neighbors knowing…or maybe he did, in fact, he seems perfectly okay with the whole world knowing this about them.
That Hugh…belongs to Ryan.
“You’d be willing to give yourself up for me?” Ryan asks and his expression is adorably worried as though Hugh is even able to be saved at this point.
He isn’t.
Neither is Ryan.
They’ve both fallen off the cliff of no return.
“Yes” Hugh nearly snaps. “So you wanna tell me why you didn’t want to go show everybody tonight how much you own me? How I fucking belong to you?”
Ryan lets out a shocked breath. “Jesus, Hugh.”
“So?” Hugh gestures between them. He has no idea how he’s even supposed to pull that bridge between them tighter. It feels like he’s trying to lasso Ryan towards the shore but with every tug, Ryan slips away further into the sea.
“Stand up” is all Ryan says then and Hugh is practically stumbling to his feet. “Good, kneel.” The last word sounds like some kind of offering and Hugh takes it immediately, dropping to his knees.
Hugh glances up at Ryan, noting the way the evening light seems to accentuate his perfect bone structure even more.
“You want to?” Ryan asks. “There’s no going back from here.”
Hugh nods feverishly. “I do.” He leans down and kisses Ryan deeply who hums into his mouth, hands caressing Hugh’s cheeks gently, tenderly like he’s afraid he might break Hugh. It’s the exact opposite of what Hugh wants, what he needs.
Ryan is completely right.
There really was no going back from here.