Work Text:
As Jake lay in bed, eyes wide open, moonlight peeking in through the window, he couldn’t help but think how terrifying having everything he ever wanted really was.
Of course he didn’t regret any of it -- marrying Amy, having Mac, being unofficially adopted by Holt and Kevin -- not even retiring from the force to be a stay-at-home dad. Those were the best decisions of his life, but they were also the scariest. And not just because of how each one would mean big changes, but because of how with each one, he gained something important, which in turn gave him more to lose.
His wife, his son, his dads, his livelihood. The loss of any of it would crush him. It all felt so delicate now.
Amy was a formidable woman, more than competent enough to do whatever she set her mind to. She’d gotten in and out of sticky situations more times than Jake could count, saved his butt more times than that, and always had a plan for if things went sideways. She had always and could always take care of herself.
Holt and Kevin were experienced with keeping themselves safe despite much of society working against them with every step. Holt was the deputy commissioner, for goodness’ sake, and had lead his precinct with care and wisdom. And though Kevin had no official training, he was just as good at staying safe and level-headed as any cop.
But even with how easy it should be to reassure himself that the people closest to him could take care of themselves, it was easier to think of all the ways they could get hurt. He’d already seen each of them held at gunpoint at least once, not to mention in buildings with bombs, being hunted by a dangerous criminal, or nearly getting kidnapped. And though Mac had never been in these situations, he had a whole host of concerns, being a baby and Jake never experiencing having a good dad for his entire childhood and much of his adult life.
Laying there, in his bed, eyes surely red with exhaustion but still open wide, Jake entertained the thought that his insomnia had returned. Before Amy, he’d often find himself in this very position, worrying about a similar, but distinctly different situation: that he’d never get any of this. That he’d live the rest of his life alone. Surrounded by people that he loved more than they loved him. Now that he had people who he knew loved him just as much or more, he couldn’t help but fear the day that it all went away. Living the rest of his life alone now felt much scarier than it did those years ago, because now he knew how good everything he’d have to lose was. How amazing it felt to fall asleep and wake up next to the most wonderful woman in the world, to drop by his dads’ house and accidentally stay for longer than he meant because they felt so welcoming, to take care of his son and watch him grow up with the knowledge that he was safe and he was loved.
His insomnia had stopped a little while after dating Amy, once they had grown a little more sure of their relationship and Jake stopped feeling like they both had one foot out the door. She’d consciously and subconsciously helped him form better habits and had eased some of his worries, letting him fall asleep easier every night she told him goodnight, I love you. Life had only gotten better from there.
And now his paranoia had him thinking it would all go back to the way it was, way way back to the little boy discovering his dad and a woman who was not his mom in the backseat of the car. A boy who felt like he didn’t have much at all, not even hope that someday he could.
The sound of crying reached Jake’s ears, and for a surreal moment he thought he’d somehow actually gone back in time to that moment and was hearing his own cries. It took until Amy reached over and flopped a hand on his chest telling him your turn that he snapped out of it and realized Mac was the one crying, not past him.
“I’m up, I’m up,” he whispered, quietly getting out of bed and making his way to Mac’s room. He scooped the boy into his arms, working through his routine of checking to see what Mac needed. It didn’t seem like anything was amiss, and he refused the bottle Jake prepared him, so he simply sat in the rocking chair next to the crib and cradled his son in his arms, ready for another one of those nights. It’s not like he was sleeping much, anyway.
“It’s alright, Mac, I’m here,” he cooed, and to his surprise, the cries began to quiet down. “That’s it, you’re okay, back to sleep you go.” Mac got a little quieter. “C’mon, I know you can do it, you’re nearly there.” The only sound was Jake’s voice and Mac’s breathing. “That was easier than I thought,” Jake murmured to himself.
Though he knew he should put Mac back in his crib and head back to bed himself, Jake allowed himself another moment to hold the little baby. Who wouldn’t give a few minutes of a sleepless night to hold the most perfect thing in the world? Now that he’d calmed, Mac slept as peaceful as anything, looking as oblivious to the troubles of the world as Jake wished he himself could be. This baby had nothing to worry about, his every need met as soon as he expressed them, even just the need to be held until he fell asleep. If Mac needed to be held every night, all night, Jake would never let him go.
The thought of his family getting hurt came to Jake’s mind again unbidden. He looked down at Mac’s sleeping face, wishing he could forget about it all and go to sleep as well.
“You’d be paranoid, too,” he told the baby, “if you’d made as many enemies as I have. Lucky for you, you’re just a baby, and babies have no enemies.” His knew his rambling was left unheard, but at this point, he also knew he was probably too tired to make much sense anyway.
Jake still didn’t want to put Mac down, even as his eyes grew heavy, so he sat with the baby on his chest, and rested his eyes for a just a minute.
And when Amy woke in the morning to get ready for work, she smiled, put Mac back in his crib, and kissed her sleeping husband on the forehead, making sure not to wake him. He needed his rest, after all.