Chapter Text
The air has a crisper feel to it. It frosts in the early hours of the morning and when the sun sets and the world creeps into night. It makes Levi shiver; the underground was a damp and chilly place, but it was confined. There was no outside wind to amplify the frigidity.
The dark-haired man sits outside on a crate, propping his boot up to re-tie it. As he laces and secures his boot on autopilot, his eyes wander to cadets practicing around him. The recruits buzz and yell as they scurry the training grounds like busy ants, attempting to fit in as much preparation as they can—their lives depend on it.
Levi’s relatively shitty life has cruelly taught him that everything inevitably changes. The season is no exception as fall threateningly looms closer. With the additional funding and Lord Adler’s “sudden” change of heart accompanying a generous contribution, their expedition date is set for a few weeks, before it gets too cold to leave the walls. Levi can’t ignore the pending, grinding distress centered in the pit of his stomach. His last expedition has left a permanent, deep, jagged scar of pain and loss. His friends were stolen by an expedition and now he is expected to go on another. This time, however, he has even more people he is worried about; Erwin, Hange, Miche, Nanaba, Moblit. Shit, he should have left before he got attached. All he can do now is try to protect them along with all the cadets who have been thoroughly training for months at this point.
He won’t say that the newer recruits are prepared by any means, but as he watches them soar through the trees on the training ground, he feels the slightest tinge of relief color his insides. Erwin may have been right about having Levi assist them with their training but he won’t ever admit it to that smug bastard.
In the last couple of weeks, the solidarity and training has increased immensely. Whether Levi wanted or not, he was subjected to lots of time with scouts either helping lead training sessions with Erwin or assisting collect the resources for his trip.
He supposes that he should be surprised about the surfacing rumors leaking within the corp like a faulty pipe. He’s heard people talking about him and Erwin. He’s caught on to the swirling questions of why he gets to train others alongside the Squad Leader or why he frequents Erwin’s office in the evenings. Levi’s privy to rumors; there were plenty about him when he first arrived with Furlan and Isabel. It’s just that this feels different. His emotions war whenever he overhears a clandestine whisper about what he and the Squad Leader get up to after dinner. His ears prick and become hot when a recruit’s eyes dance between the two of them suggestively during training.
Levi isn’t entirely sure if Erwin is aware of them, but he knows the blonde is incredibly smart and perceptive. Either way, it hasn’t resulted in Erwin becoming distant or anything, he still insists that he needs Levi’s help. Maybe the man just doesn’t care.
The blonde isn’t the only one requesting his presence. Recently, a group of the recruits have seemed to take a liking to him or at least that’s what Erwin says. The kids that Levi has scolded before now follow him around, requesting more advice and practically flinging themselves around with their gear when training to impress him. He recalls working and training with this group, a girl with ginger-brown hair and dark eyes named Loren, a tall, black haired kid named Sven, and a confident boy who acts much like their leader, Randall. They continue to badger him ruthlessly. They linger in the mess hall to see if they can catch him, sometimes they’ll be waiting in the stables to ask if they can help him with his horse. Occasionally, he’s even seen Randall lingering outside of Erwin’s office, waiting for Levi to exit after their secret literacy sessions, but they might not even be secret anymore. The brats have no boundaries. It’s too much.
They also mostly seem unfazed by Levi’s crude attitude and firm reprimands about being followed. Fucking frustrating.
Today, the hounding is no different and as he lets his foot plop onto the ground from the crate, he sees the little clan eagerly coming in his direction.
Levi exhales loudly and barks out a “what?” Before they even fully reach him. He keeps his words barbed and edged enough to pierce in hopes it will discourage them from coming closer.
“Sir!” Randall stands in the middle and gives a sharp, serious salute.
“We’ve been over this. I’m not your squad leader. I’m just older than you. You can drop all the formality bullshit.”
Randall sets his hand down sheepishly and his eyes drift to the ground, “it just feels strange to be too casual with you.”
“Tch. Too bad.” Levi says evenly. “What do you want?”
Behind him, Loren and Sven have seemed to have faltered and lost their confidence in approaching the surly man, they stand one step back from Randall and pick at stray strands of their uniform while avoiding eye contact.
“We…” Randall pauses to turn to his friends, only now realizing the betrayal and abandonment they have committed as they seem to tap out of this conversation. “Well, I have been meaning to ask you about learning more attack maneuvers.”
“Attack maneuvers? You’re gonna fist fight a titan?” Levi asks.
“No…but it would be good to learn.”
“Why would you waste time practicing skills that would be useless when you cross a titan?” Levi pries. It doesn’t make sense and Randall may lack some logical intelligence but he can’t be this stupid.
“Well…it’s just that…” As the boy seems to struggle internally. He pauses before exhaling and finally saying “I’m scared.” His brown eyes suddenly glint to reveal openness, and Levi can see the raw vulnerability, the genuine trepidation. “I’m scared about how things will end for me out there. I want my best chances at survival. If that means having a few more tactics at my disposal then I want to learn them.”
He considers the kid and his less brave counterparts before caving. He won’t admit he has a soft spot for determined brats. It really doesn’t help that Randall’s auburn hair kind of reminds him of the shade of red Isabel’s was…if he really thinks about it, she had similar determination too…
So he stops thinking and agrees.
The brats practically start shaking and squealing in excitement.
“Oi, enough of that. If we’re gonna do this, you’re gonna listen to me. We’re gonna start with some basic defense maneuvers.”
Randall shoots his hand up like a flare, but speaks without being called on any way. “What about offensive strategies?”
Levi blinks at him. “The hell do you need to know those for?”
“Well…in case someone attacks.”
“That’s what the defensive maneuvers are for.” Levi doesn’t even try to hide how idiotic he thinks this conversation is.
“Well, right after we defend…we want to attack back…yeah?” Randall asks with a look of timid hopefulness.
“What exactly do you think titans are like?”
Sven and Loren giggle behind Randall. He stops to shoot them daggers before answering. “I’m not talking about them. I’m talking about defending against people, you know? If a recruit or someone like you comes after me…I want to be able to fight back.”
Levi’s eyebrow raises on its own accord. It’s Sven who speaks up, “Randall, if you’re talking about that one time Jay threatened to fight you again…he’s not gonna actually do it.”
Levi doesn’t pay much attention to cadet drama and so he turns to look at Randall for clarification.
Randall’s face is hidden from Levi when he turns to stare at Sven briefly. Then, the auburn haired boy turns back to Levi with a near begging expression, his mouth tight, stance tense. He doesn’t speak anymore.
Levi sighs, already exhausted, “Defensive skills will be our first step. They get you to safety and you can’t fight back if you’re not safe. Got it?”
He received a chorus of “yes sir”’s and “got it”‘s back.
He spends the next hour teaching them ways to dodge obstacles using ODM gear, giving them any advice he could, and giving demonstrations in areas they are lacking. “On the expedition, obstacles like this will be moving. So you’ll need to be quicker and you’ll need to work to predict the direction they’ll swing. Main thing to focus on is getting yourself out of the line of danger.”
For the most part, the brats did well. No one was as focused as Randall, however. The kid was sweating fiercely, flinging his body so rapidly and carelessly that Levi had to remind him of his receding gas levels several times. Once the black-haired man concludes they’re done, he dismisses them, except for one.
“Oi, Randall. Stay here.”
Randall hesitates for a moment but wouldn’t dare not listen to Levi, even if he doesn’t have official authority.
Randall’s form is strung taut like an ODM wire as if he’s bracing himself for Levi to either hit him or yell at him. “Yes?”
“Is someone bullying you?” The kid seems to be dropping all kinds of hints that he needs to know how to fight back in order to defend himself. Then there was the comment Sven made about someone threatening him. The recruits weren’t nice to Levi, Furlan, and Isabel when they first joined either and so the ex-underground resident knows what it’s like to be picked on.
“What…?” Randall trails off, eyebrows drawn together in confusion.
“Is someone picking on you? You want to fight so badly and you’ve looked like you needed to take a shit all day. What’s the deal?”
“Oh,” Randall’s gaze falls to the ground and his cheeks redden softly. He’s eerily quiet for a second before speaking again. “Yeah…there’s some guys in the barracks. They hate me, I think.”
“Who are they? What are their names?” Levi has actually grown a soft spot for the recruits that follow him around all day even though it’s been against his will. Call it reverse Stockholm Syndrome.
“No!” Randall says immediately as his eyes immediately grow wide. His breath hitches and he blanches. The brat looks distractedly distressed, as if his mind is blaring at him internally. “No. I want to figure it out myself. That’s why I asked you for help to learn.”
Levi stares at the teen. He looks desperate, so he sighs, “fine, but don’t let them push you around.”
Randall nods and whispers a feeble “thank you, sir” before running after his friends.
Levi makes his way into headquarters towards the storage closet to grab some cleaning supplies. He hopes that doing some thorough scrubbing will help distract him from the pending doom growing in the pit of his stomach about this expedition. He pauses at the door of the closet when he hears a loud clash sounding from below. A small cry and a distinct chuckle follow it. At this point, he knows the noises are resonating from Hange’s shitty lab. What the hell are Hange and Moblit doing?
He retreats his steps and finds himself at the door of their lab. He opens the door and takes in the view.
Hange and Moblit’s lab is a mess like always. Hange is caked in oil and grime, their hands on their hips as they shout something at Moblit through a teasing grin. Moblit scurries to the ground to retrieve a discarded tool just as a flash of metal launches off the counter and spurs to the floor.
As Moblit’s eyes follow the stray object, he sees Levi and gives him a small sheepish smile. Hange is too distracted to notice him, they’re encapsulated by a small metal cylinder, spinning, and whirring on the cobblestone.
“What the hell are you guys doing?” He asks, arms crossed.
Hange looks up. “Oh, Levi! Hi! We were playing around with some new contraptions. I wanted them done by the expedition.”
“Contraption?”
“Yes! I’ve been working on making our flares more versatile. I had this plan of making them change their trajectory upwards after shooting a target. That way, when recruits are in trouble, they can shoot their flares directly at titans to defend themselves and the flare will still shoot into the sky to inform other scouts and call for help simultaneously.” Hange’s eyes beam and sparkle with excitement behind their goggle-like glasses.
“Sounds….ambitious.” Levi comments.
“All the best ideas started that way. It would save us so much while we’re outside of the walls.”
“What was that crashing noise earlier?”
“I threw a wrench for Moblit to catch. He missed.” Their lips twitch as they turn to look at the culprit in question. Moblit shakes his head, looking shamefaced.
“Section Commander,” Moblit emphasizes the title conspiratorially. “You have to call out that you’re going to throw a tool before you actually throw it.”
“You’re my assistant. You’re supposed to be able to read me and my nonverbal cues, Mob.” Hange insists with a shit-eating grin.
Moblit shakes his head again and turns away, mumbling something about how he’ll try harder next time. Levi wonders about them now. He recalls Hange admitting they liked Shadis a while ago at the tavern, but maybe…
Levi files the thought away and walks by Hange, his nose wrinkling at their sour scent from working hard, so he can peer at the altered flare. The flare looks like they always do, but there’s new pieces of metal decorating the exterior.
“You’re going to bring these on the next expedition?” Levi inquires, hoping he’s hidden the hope he’s feeling so dauntingly. The more weapons and defenses, the better.
“I was planning to. Moblit told me it’s not feasible and I’ll never finish them though.” They add less enthusiastically and more accusatorially.
“That’s not what I said. I said that we won’t have time to complete it by this upcoming expedition.” Moblit corrects patiently.
“That’s practically saying the same thing.”
“Section Commander…”
“Anyhoo, did you need something, Levi?” Hange asks.
Levi pauses. Initially, he had no idea why he gravitated towards the lab, but now that he really thinks, he can finally name the overwhelming feeling of uncertainty lurking in his chest: he’s concerned for his friends.
“The expedition is coming up.” He starts slowly.
“Right,” Hange encourages as they focus their efforts on screwing a loose screw into the pile of metal they are working on.
“How are you going to prepare?” Levi asks lamely. He doesn’t know how to put his concern into words, doesn’t know how to express his fear of his new friends dying in the same way as his past loved ones.
Hange stops their screwing and looks at Levi. “What do you mean?”
“To keep yourself safe. What are you going to do?” He looks between Hange and Moblit now.
A small smile grows on Hange’s face. “Are you worried about us, Levi?”
He can feel the blood flow to warm his cheeks and the tip of his ears burn. “Tch.” He turns to make an escape but Hange halts him with their booming voice.
“Wait! I’m just teasing. Stay.”
Levi still would like to leave. To venture all the way to the barracks to stifle his embarrassment of caring for others. For a moment, he can’t reach an agreement with himself about what he should do, it’s very brief however, because the half of him that wants to stay wins.
“The expeditions are dangerous, but we were built for this type of danger. This is the only way you can be this up close with titans. We’ve prepared for this. It’s going to be alright.”
Levi rocks on his heels. “Just be careful, alright?”
Hange gives him a wide grin. “You got it!” They stride towards Moblit and throw a sweaty, musty arm around him. “Plus, I have this guy to save me in case I need it.” They turn their head to peek at Moblit's expression, a bright grin stretching across their face.
“Well, I always try my best.” Moblit says, his face tinted scarlet.
”So don’t worry about us, Levi.” Hange gives him a reassuring smile. They add in a salute too and Levi huffs his amusement.
Levi leaves the damp basement and makes his way back to fluid air and the shuffling noises of soldiers. He stops at the mess hall and grabs two trays of food before his feet lead him to Erwin’s office.
He doesn’t bother knocking as he kicks open the door with his foot.
Erwin is hovering over shattered papers, as usual, trapped in the mundane routine of paperwork, surviving off the hope of a future new title. He looks up to see Levi. “Hello, Levi.”
“Move your shit.” He responds as he moves to put the tray on the blonde’s desk.
Erwin huffs but shifts his papers out of the way to allow Levi room to dump their food.
“It’s lunch already.” Erwin comments. It’s not a question.
“Yeah, you have a tendency not to eat.” Levi grouses, pushing Erwin’s tray closer to him.
“Well, thank you for bringing this.” Erwin gives him a kind smile and Levi finds himself having to look away from his heated gaze.
“Tch. You really need to take better care of yourself if you want to be commander.”
Erwin scoops up some of the broth and lifts his spoon to his mouth. After he swallows he says, “I suppose that I am not the best at balancing my work and life.”
“No kidding.”
Erwin chuckles softly. “How was training? I saw you with that trio—Sven, Randall, and Loren.”
Levi looks up from his food. “You weren’t on the training grounds. How did you see me?”
Erwin gestures to the window behind him.
“You spying on me, Blondie?”
A noise escapes the Squad Leader’s lips. Something akin to an exhale of amusement or nonplus, his thick eyebrows briefly twitch before he recovers and returns to his neutral face. It’s such an imperceptible, brief change in his expression that Levi’s certain only he’s able to notice it. “It’s my job to watch after the trainees, Levi. I’m the Squad Leader of your section after all.”
Levi rolls his eyes, “no need to remind me. But yeah, the kids wanted to train more. They’ve been following me around forever. I can’t shake them.”
Erwin’s lips curl into a smile. “They like you.”
“Tch. What?”
“They admire you. They want to be like you. You should be flattered.”
“I didn’t ask for that.”
“That’s true, but you’re good at it. Even if you don’t particularly like it, I can tell those recruits really enjoy being around you.”
Levi shifts uncomfortably, too many compliments and sentimentality for one day. He itches to go and find a place of isolation to dwell and rot forever. “Well, no one follows you around. What are you doing wrong?”
Erwin’s eyes crinkle as he laughs. “Likely everything. You’re right, I don’t think recruits are attached to me the same way they are you. I think I can be intimidating.”
“And I’m not?”
“In a different way. You’re a good hearted person. They can tell.”
“What, and you’re a heartless bastard?”
Levi asks it wryly, meaning for it to be a joke, but Erwin responds with the strangest of smiles; sad and regretful before saying, “something like that.” There’s a moment of stretched silence and just when Levi is going to squirm for a different subject to grasp, something to change the somber tone or make an escape, Erwin adds in a much less melancholic tone, “either way, you certainly care about others. They appreciate that. I appreciate that.”
Levi decides not to comment on the depressing moment that just occurred seconds ago. “Enough with the compliments, Blondie.” Levi waves his hand, desperate to move on now.
“Do compliments bother you? Why?” Erwin pries.
“No.” Levi responds curtly.
Erwin doesn’t flinch at the intensity and he doesn’t prod further. Instead, he concedes quietly and so they finish their lunch in comforting silence.
Like molasses dripping, sweet, slow, and gradual, it has begun to feel more comfortable to be in the vicinity of Erwin. Domesticity between them has formed like the warmth of the fireplace on the now chilly nights; it’s simple, natural, and desired. Levi hates to admit he enjoys the time they are together, borderline wants it. Alright, maybe he does want it. Something about Erwin makes him want. It’s not just connected to the strange bond he feels towards the man anymore. He appreciates the person Erwin is. Erwin lures him in, he’s warm and certain, it mollifies something dark and aching within Levi—something that’s been torn and hollow since he was a child. He likes the feeling of it being soothed, wants to hold onto it, keep it safe forever. He also resents how much he likes it.
It’s in the way Erwin seeks him out. “I need you, Levi.”
It’s in the way in which he’ll ask Levi for advice. “What do you think, Levi?”
It’s in the way he asks about Levi’s interests. “Are you running low on tea?”
And he always sounds like he means it.
Erwin is an admirably tenacious man, although Levi will never tell him this because his head’s already too big. He’s relentless and a brilliant strategist all in the name of his ambitions for humanity, but he’s also been vulnerable. Levi didn’t think the blonde was capable of expressing emotions. Didn’t think his mask of professional sternness could crack, but he’s bared witness to many moments where it slipped now. Strangely, he would like to be a witness to all of those future moments too.
Levi thinks back to when Erwin was so worried he was mad at him. To be fair, Levi very much was, but it was Erwin’s insistence on fixing whatever happened between them that made Levi realize, just as he suspected, there was more to the man.
Levi clears his head. He just respects him. Looks up to him as a mentor. It makes sense for him to want to be around his Squad Leader.
Levi’s brought out of his thoughts when Erwin moves his tray away to resume the documents he had previously been analyzing.
“What are those?” Levi asks.
Erwin looks up. “Oh? These are for our last submitted inventory before the expedition. I’m just recording what we have so we can account for how much we lost once we return.”
Levi shifts tensely. This fucking expedition. He tries to calm himself, opting to listen to Erwin’s pen scritch at his parchment and the gentle plunk sound of him dipping his pen into more ink.
When his body has eased out some of the grating stress he knows he needs to speak. “Are you sure this expedition is a good idea?”
He watches as Erwin’s hand pauses, mid-writing. Bright blue eyes latch onto hard steely ones.
“The recruits aren’t ready, Erwin. We could lose a lot of soldiers. Are we doing this because we’ll get something out of it or are we doing it just to squeeze one more expedition before winter just because?”
Erwin's face shifts to something more serious; shadows seize the lines his brows create as they furrow. He sets down his pen and clears his throat as he holds his chin up with his hands. “If I am being honest, I’m not too keen on the timing of this expedition either. Shadis’s big goal with this one is to map out some area for a base outside of the walls. However, I think this could wait until spring since we won’t be able to build until then anyways. I also think now would be the perfect time to use the long distance enemy scouting formation but of course Shadis is against it.”
Levi scoffs with frustration. Fucking Shadis. “So this is a dangerous mission?”
“They always are.” Erwin comments idly. “But I would say this one is especially hazardous, yes.”
“Fuck.” Levi says underneath his breath. He can suddenly feel his heart pounding in his throat. Trepidation of what’s to come, the danger, and the uncertainty pulls and gnaws at him. A snare of anxiety forms to trap him in.
“Levi?” Erwin asks gently.
The unbidden memories resurface, distinct and potent as always.
Blood stained grass, Isabel’s detached head with wide, fearful eyes, Furlan’s dismembered body.
It’s going to happen again.
Again and again. Until he’s alone.
Alone, again.
Alone always.
“Levi?” Suddenly Levi can feel the warmth of skin on his own hand.
He jerks, wrenches away on reflex but follows through with his dejection ignoring how cold his hand now feels. “What?” He snaps.
“What’s wrong?” It’s no longer “are you okay?” Erwin skips the niceties—he doesn’t dance around the topic, getting right to the point. Literacy sessions and time together have apparently taught the blonde to identify the exact moment Levi is struggling whether he would admit it or not.
Levi understands that Erwin will pursue the truth, whatever Levi is attempting not to say aloud. Levi normally is a closed book, cut-off from giving pieces of himself to others. It’s a dangerous game to share and it comes with the risk of hurt. Erwin has strangely, yet somehow inexorably become an anomaly. Erwin’s eyes dig into him and easily tease out the truth. He’s able to gently peel away Levi’s layers when he wants to, but Levi, more often than not, has been wondering if he’s the one that wants Erwin to.
It’s just because he reveres him, the man has a an admirable dream after all.
The dark-haired man stays silent for a minute, contemplating how much of himself to share, to give away. Ultimately, he finally answers, “this expedition is going to be shitty.”
The worry on Erwin’s face melts into something gentle. The corners of his lips lift and he huffs warmly. “That’s one way to put it.”
“Where will everyone be positioned?” Levi asks. It’s an indirect way to ask what he really wants to know: where will you be positioned? Where will Hange be? Moblit? Miche and Nanaba? Will I be able to make it to you all in time?
“Hange and Moblit will be stationed at the upper right flank. Me and Miche on the left. Nanaba with us as well. You’ll be in close quarters to us since you’re in my squad.”
Relief floods Levi’s veins. “So Shadis doesn’t need you babysitting him this time?” Levi recalls the last expedition had Erwin placed right beside Shadis.
“Not this time. Perhaps it’s because we’re budding heads.” Erwin muses aloud.
Levi’s fingers still twitch with worry but it’s been eased to some degree. He’ll keep everyone safe. He has to.
Erwin moves his documents to the side to prep for their next literacy session. Levi is certain that he no longer needs the sessions so often, he’s almost certain that Erwin knows that too. It’s a truth that dangles around them, so heavy, provoking, and there. It doesn’t matter though because neither he nor Erwin voice that truth out loud, it remains untouched. It remains unspoken among the multitude of unspoken secrets between them.
Before they start, words fall from Levi’s lips, slipping out of his control, “Just be careful when we’re out there, alright?”
Erwin eyes lift from where his head is bent over the practice sheets in front of him. His face is soft and it somehow makes Levi’s chest feel unhindered and buoyant. Their eyes lock as Levi can see the blue of his eyes through his long dark, blonde lashes.
Just like how it seems to have occurred many times lately when they’re alone together, a softness surges between them, wordless and electric. As if they are sharing the same thought. For some reason, Levi feels that this stare between them means something. He has yet to understand what. It feels overwhelming but it also feels intimate.
Either way, it warms his insides. A tenderness that he barely recognizes because it’s been missing from him for so long rises to the surface. Something in Levi’s stomach is set alight when Erwin speaks with intensity.
“You too.”