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Tubbo was a horrible horrible person. He was meant to be a hero . Someone who protects the citizens of his country. Someone these citizens look up to.
But what did he do? He failed these citizens. He hadn’t been able to reach the scene of destruction in time and that led to the loss of twenty lives. Twenty . He was just as bad as the villain who dropped the fucking building on them.
Post that incident, Tubbo hadn’t even tried to leave his apartment. The Hero Commission didn’t seem to have any assignments for him either so all he did was sit at home and curse himself for his gross negligence.
He ignored his continuously blowing up phone, silencing it so that he didn’t have to hear the constant ding ding notification tone.
Tubbo didn’t know why anyone even bothered getting in contact with him. He was deserving of exile, of public humiliation and everything. He let down his country, his mentor, his friends. Everyone .
The only interactions he had was when he would get out of bed to feed his cat. His cat, Rocky, was most definitely the only reason why Tubbo wasn’t confined to his bed 24/7. In a way, he was grateful to Rocky for that. It didn’t stop him from mentally beating himself up with every minute that passed.
At night he would have dreams. Dreams of the screams of people as he rushed to the scene. Screams as they were crushed under a building, the villain, Spike, cackling manically.
Too late. Too late. Too late.
Tubbo tried to stop sleeping at one point. Every time he closed his eyes, he could see the destruction that he had found.
He couldn’t bring himself to eat, to drink water, to do— anything . All his energy went into feeding and cleaning Rocky. Which was activity enough.
He didn’t deserve to be a part of the Hero’s Commission. They were kind and fiercely protective of their country. Tubbo failed the oath that was made when the Commission had been founded. Tubbo failed.
He was evil. There was no difference between him and the next villain. Because it was fully his fault that those people died. And all he’s done was wallow in his apartment, mourning these people who he never even met.
A week after the incident, Tubbo woke up from a fitful sleep to loud knocking on his door. He tried to ignore it, covering his ears with his pillow. But the person was persistent.
Sighing in defeat, Tubbo slowly crawled out of bed, dragging himself to the door. He opened the door just an inch to see Etho, his mentor about to start knocking again.
“Go away,” he said, his voice rough and crackly, “why are you here?”
“Well for starters,” Etho said, pushing open the door despite Tubbo’s weak attempts to stop him, “I haven’t heard from you in a week . And secondly— oh snap you’ve not been doing well.”
“How does it matter?” Tubbo said, turning away and moving towards his couch, “why do you even want to see me? I’m horrible.”
Etho’s expression was akin to pity. Tubbo hated pity. But looking at the state of his apartment, Rocky’s corner being the only ‘clean’ part of the place, Tubbo realized that he really was pathetic.
“Hey,” Etho sat next to him on the couch, “I know what happened last week. And it’s a tragedy. But it was not your fault.”
“I failed them,” Tubbo said weakly, his voice choking up with emotion, “I killed them.”
“No,” Etho said firmly, and Tubbo couldn’t figure out why the man was being so kind , “you were not the reason all those people died. Spike was. Only him. Not you.”
“I was late—”
“You received the message late,” Etho interrupted, “I checked the message logs and I compared them to report times. Plus you were dealing with a situation of your own.”
“I’m evil,” Tubbo didn’t care what Etho had to say, he failed those citizens and he deserved all the punishment for it.
“Tubbo— kid—” Etho got down on the floor and knelt in front of Tubbo, looking straight into his eyes, “you are not evil okay?”
A single tear escaped Tubbo, his lower lip trembling.
“I want you to repeat what I’m about to say, okay?” Etho spoke slowly, Tubbo latching onto every syllable, “do you understand Tubbo?”
He nodded slowly, sniffling. Gods, he really was pathetic.
“Look at me,” his mentor said gently, “okay now repeat, ‘am I evil?”
“Am— sniffle am I evil?” Yes.
“No.”
Tubbo hesitated for a fraction of a second before repeating, “No.” Yes.
“Again, ‘am I evil?’ ‘No.’”
“Am I evil?” another tear rolled down Tubbo’s cheek, “No.”
“Okay,” Etho said softly, getting to his feet and sitting in the chair opposite him, “I want you to say this to yourself every time you feel doubt in yourself okay? You are not evil and you were not at fault for what happened last week. The press doesn’t blame you, the public doesn’t blame you, the Commission doesn’t blame you and I most certainly don’t blame you.”
At that, the dam that had been building up in Tubbo’s chest, filled with negativity and poisonous words burst as he just began— sobbing. Etho looked a little surprised, not knowing what to do as Tubbo sobbed. He sat back next to Tubbo, rubbing his back in soothing circles.
Tubbo couldn’t find it in himself to stop as he sobbed and sobbed, Etho whispering reassurances and rubbing circles into his back. After what felt like hours, Tubbo’s cries finally died down, the room now filled with the sound of him sniffling.
Rocky meowed, jumping into Tubbo’s lap. It nearly had him crying all over again. He buried his hands in the cat's soft fur, playing with it as he calmed down.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered to Etho, “I just— I could have saved them.”
“You saved the civilians from Thunder’s attack,” Etho said, “the public is pissed don’t get me wrong, we all are mad that we didn’t get to the scene in time but know this everyone and I mean everyone knows it wasn’t your fault. The press is quick to blame but they only blame those who are truly at fault.”
Tubbo sniffled, focusing on the texture of Rocky’s fur.
“Also, we arrested Spike yesterday,” Etho said, Tubbo nearly breaking his neck with how fast he turned to look at his mentor, “those twenty civilians will be avenged. You can be the one to interrogate him if you wish. I’ve asked the Commission to allow you to join me if you wish.”
“That would be good,” Tubbo replied softly, “I want to interrogate him.”
“Well for that you’re gonna need to first, clean yourself and this apartment up. I’ll get some of the boys down here to help out. We all have been worried sick, kid. And secondly you need to announce your return to the Heroes Commission before they assume you’ve disappeared off the face of this earth.”
Tubbo snorted weakly at that.
Etho patted him on the back before getting up to call in reinforcements to clear up his apartment. Tubbo looked down at Rocky’s orange fur, quiet in thought.
Am I evil? Maybe. Maybe not. Trust Etho, that helps you make your best decisions.
Okay then.
Am I evil? No. Maybe not.