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I woke up not feeling great. I had a headache and was more nauseous than usual. It’s not out of the ordinary for me to be nauseous, but this early in the morning and this intense was quite odd. I powered through my morning routine and choked down some fruit and a granola bar for breakfast. I was quiet on the car ride over, I sat next to Soobin and tuned out the world with my trusty headphones. I closed my eyes, leaned my head back, and tried to go back to sleep.
It was no use. I felt awful and I wasn’t going to be sleeping anytime soon. After a while, I gave up and opened my eyes again. I poked Soobin and he took out an earbud and leaned over, “Hm?”
“I don’t feel good,” I mumbled.
“Oh no. What kind of not feel good?” He asked.
“My stomach hurts and I’m kinda dizzy,” I told him. That was a major understatement, but I didn’t want to worry him too much. I just wanted him to know ahead of time because I had a feeling I wasn’t going to make it through filming without a major incident.
“I’m sorry, Gyu. Try to close your eyes, let me know if there’s anything I can do,” he looked concerned, but didn’t say anything else.
I just nodded. I leaned my head against the window of the car door and tried to close my eyes again. The wave of nausea subsided for a moment and I focused on my breathing and praying that the churning in my stomach would go away.
When we arrived at the water park, they explained what we were doing while we changed into swimsuits. They gave me some weird waterproof hoodie thing, but it felt comfortable so I didn’t complain.
They turned on the cameras and we introduced the concept of the To Do episode we were shooting. The nausea started to come back and I was already looking for a way out of this. I walked over to the prize table and tried to walk off with all of them.
“Alright, see ya next week!” I joked. All the staff started yelling at me, so I put them back and sat down.
We started the first game and I was so out of it that I didn’t even realize that I won. Kai squirted me in the face with a water gun and I was confused and thought he was teasing me for losing but I guess he was just doing it for fun. I blinked a couple times and got into the pool. They told us the next game was wrestling on a floating platform and I wanted to scream. What’s more nauseating than being shoved off a buoyant object?
We started the battle and Yeonjun shoved me into the water. I definitely swallowed some pool water and it made my stomach throb. I tried to keep my happy face on for the camera, but it was becoming increasingly difficult. As I continued to be thrown underwater, the contents of my stomach protested. I swallowed so much pool water, it was starting to come out of my nose.
The constant dunking was really making me queasy. Above water, underwater, on the mat, off the mat. It was so dizzying, I started to see stars and I worried that I wouldn't come back up for air in time.
Yeonjun eventually won and, as he was celebrating, I tried to climb up to dry ground to catch my breath. He didn’t realize why I was doing it, so he knocked me off, back into the water. When I resurfaced, I could barely take a breath before feeling the lurch in my stomach return. This time was the worst of them all and I knew I needed to get out of the water as fast as I could.
I rushed out of the water and ran to the nearest trash can. All the pool water and my breakfast came back up. I clutched my stomach as I stood, hunched over the trash can.
Soobin ran over and gently placed his hand on my back. When I stopped throwing up, Soobin walked me over to a pool chair behind all the cameras and sat me down. Taehyun and Kai both came running over with towels and Yeonjun brought me a water bottle. I wholeheartedly took the towels as I was starting to shake from the cool breeze against my wet skin. I rejected the water bottle, though, fearing that more water would make my stomach feel worse.
Soobin sat next to me on the squeaky pool chair and I leaned against his chest. I was still shaking and I don’t think it was just the cold that was rattling my bones.
Yeonjun gently ran a hand through my hair, “What happened, Beom?”
I mumbled, “I dunno.”
“Is it something you ate? This doesn’t usually happen,” he mentioned.
“I don’t fucking know, ok?” I snapped, not having the mental capacity for sugarcoating my words. “I woke up feeling like shit.”
Soobin shushed me and continued to rub my back, “Close your eyes, just rest, it’s ok.”
“Maybe let’s give him some space,” Kai suggested, pulling Taehyun and Yeonjun away.
A staff member called Soobin and he sighed. “Do you think I can leave you here to rest for a little bit?” I nodded. “I’m so sorry, I hope you feel better.”
Soobin slowly got up and took the towel that was not wrapped around my shoulders. As I laid back against the chair, Soobin put the towel over my legs.
“Take your time, just relax, it’s going to be ok.” He walked away and I tried to close my eyes. I heard the others awkwardly talk about me having to take a break.
Yeonjun’s choice in words was, “He drank too much.” Which I thought was a little funny.
My favorite manager walked over to me and quietly helped me take off the microphone I forgot I was wearing. The poor audio technician had to hear me hurl my guts out. Once the mic was off, he put the towel back over my shoulders.
“Do you want me to take you home?” He asked.
“I don’t really want to get in the car right now,” I told him. “Maybe in a couple minutes.”
He nodded, “Ok, take your time. Do you need anything?”
I shook my head. He left me alone and I wrapped my arms around my knees. My stomach felt better, but I knew the nausea had previously come in and out in waves, so I wasn’t ready to risk the car ride home. I watched the others (very poorly) play a game that involved splashing more water in each other’s faces and I was glad to be sitting out.
About twenty minutes later, the boys were given another break between activities, so they all ran over to me. I was feeling better now, but definitely didn’t want to go back in the water.
Taehyun got to me first and gave me a soft hug, “Are you feeling any better?”
“Kind of,” I told him.
“Do you think you’ll come back to playing with us?” Kai asked, a little hopeful.
“No, I’m sorry Kai.” I felt bad for not being strong enough to continue and letting him down, but I definitely wasn’t up to water slides or the wave pool.
“Oh…ok,” Kai seemed a little disappointed.
“Is someone going to take you home?” Soobin asked.
“Our manager offered, but I wasn’t ready to go back in the car yet,” I explained.
“Do you think you’re ready now?” Yeonjun asked.
“I don’t know,” I shrugged.
Taehyun flagged down our manager and he walked over, “How’s it going Beomgyu?”
“Better,” I said.
“Let me know when you’re ready to go home. Do you want to put on some dry clothes?” He asked.
“Oh, yeah, that’s a good idea,” I agreed. Taehyun and our manager walked over to where our bags were and grabbed mine.
Taehyun helped me up and we found a bathroom. Before I could ask him why he was coming with me, he explained, “I don’t want you to pass out, so I’m just coming with you to monitor.” I nodded and thanked him.
I carefully changed into the shirt and shorts I had in my bag and dried my hair off with the towel. I made sure to go slow so I wouldn’t upset my stomach. I carried the wet swimsuit pieces back out to where all the staff were and laid them on a chair to dry.
“Ok, Beomgyu, you ready?” Our manager asked.
“I think so,” I said. The members all gave me some form of ‘get well soon’ as I started to leave. I thanked them and quietly followed my manager to the parking lot. We walked slowly and he carried my bag for me. I honestly felt a lot better, but was worried any little thing would send me back into misery.
When we got to the car, I climbed into the front seat and leaned my head back against the headrest.
“Are you sure you’re ready to go home? There’s no rush, we can sit here for a minute if you need to,” he offered.
“No, I’m fine, let’s go,” I buckled my seatbelt.
The ride home was quiet, neither of us really having the courage to break the silence. Eventually it became awkward, so I turned on the radio.
The manager parked his car outside of our dorm and he helped me walk up the stairs. He walked me inside and asked once more if I needed anything. I told him I was alright and he stood with me as I did a couple basic things like brushing my teeth and drinking a glass of water. When he was satisfied, he left and I laid down on the couch. I still smelled like chlorine and knew I needed to shower, but was too exhausted to get up. I wanted someone to hold me and tell me everything was going to be ok and that it’d be over soon. But there was no one there. I sighed and hugged a pillow.
I must’ve fallen asleep on the couch, because the next thing I knew I was awoken by the sound of the members walking through the front door. I picked my head up, eyes still heavy with sleep.
“Did you not shower? You’re covered in sunscreen and chlorine. Come on,” Taehyun scolded, helping me up.
“Tyun, be nice to him, he’s not feeling good,” Yeonjun said. “Come here, Beomie, let me take care of you.”
“I’m fine guys, really,” I assured them. “I’ll go shower.”
Yeonjun walked over to me, “Do you want me to make you something to eat? Rice or something?”
“No, I’m not hungry,” I told him. Even the thought of eating made my head spin.
“Ok. Don’t lock the door to the bathroom, holler if you feel like you’re going to faint,” he instructed.
“Yeonjun, it’s not that bad. I can shower without passing out. Relax.”
“Leave him alone, Yeonjun,” Soobin called, not even sparing a glance in our direction.
“I’ll be ok, I promise,” I assured Yeonjun. He reluctantly let me walk away to my room. I grabbed pajamas and a fresh towel. I walked into the bathroom and found Kai staring at himself in the mirror.
He turned to me, “Oh hey, Beomgyu. Sorry, I’ll get out of your way.”
“Don’t worry about it,” I told him.
“Are you feeling any better?” He asked.
“Yeah, I’m alright,” I forced a smile. Kai nodded and left the bathroom. I locked the door behind him, set my pajamas on the counter, and then decided Yeonjun was probably right and unlocked the door.
My shower went smoothly and I didn’t end up passing out, but I was still glad I listened to Yeonjun’s advice. After I dried off, I put on my pajamas and walked out of the bathroom. I threw the clothes I was wearing earlier in my laundry bin and walked to the living room, where everyone else was.
Soobin immediately jumped up and walked over to hug me. This was out of the ordinary for Soobin, but I wasn’t complaining. “Do you want to go lay down?” I nodded and he let go of me.
He gently guided me to my room where I climbed into bed. He closed the door behind him and then walked over to my window, closing my blinds.
“I’m so sorry that this happened Gyu. Do you have any idea what could’ve caused it?” He asked.
“No.”
Soobin climbed into my bed next to me and wrapped his arms around me, “It’s going to be ok. Everything’s going to be alright.”
I burst into tears, hearing him so concerned for me. I don’t know what exactly made me so emotional, maybe it was the whirlwind of events or maybe I was just delusional with exhaustion. Whatever it was hit me hard and I couldn’t stop sobbing. Soobin was clearly very confused by my sudden outburst, but stayed calm. He held me softly and continued to tell me that everything was fine and that I didn’t have to worry about anything.
Soobin apologized for the hundredth time, as if it was his fault, “I’m so sorry you’re having a hard time today Beomgyu, I know it’s been rough.”
“It’s not your fault,” I sniffled. He gently wiped the tears off my face with his thumbs. “Thank you for taking care of me.”
“Of course, you know I’d do anything for you,” he said.
“Please don’t tell the others about this. I don’t want them to worry about me,” I didn’t want Kai or Taehyun to know that I cried over this. It was bad enough that I had shown physical weakness in front of them.
“Never. This stays between us,” Soobin promised.
“I love you, Soobin.”
He smiled, “I love you too.”