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Loss and Gain

Summary:

A letter from his Uncle has the young Fire Lord Zuko hurrying to Ba Sing Se, only to find something that he hasn’t been prepared for.
For Zukka Week Day 2 – Accidental Kid Acquisition

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The spacious cabin of the airship is silent, save for the steady humming of the rotors outside. The large desk in the middle of the room is covered in papers, but Fire Lord Zuko doesn’t pay them any attention. One could mistake him for a statue, because he hasn’t moved for hours, his eyes fixed on the sleeping infant in the cradle next to him.

It’s just absurd and Zuko is still in shock, despite that he’s had a few days to get used to the idea, that he is now a father.

This definitely isn’t, what he thought was going to happen, when he received Uncle’s letter a week ago. Is it really just a week? It feels like it has been an entire lifetime. Nothing of this was supposed to happen and certainly not like this.

He sighs, like he has done a thousand times already and threads a hand through his hair.

The baby is completely unaware of his turmoil. She’s sleeping soundly, as if nothing could ever steal her peace. Looking at her is terrifying and yet, every time that he does, a wave of fondness crashes into him. Ever so often, a smile tugs at his lips, but once he notices it is immediately replaced by a frown of sadness and guilt.

Uncle’s letter held an unfamiliar urgency. Sure, he always expressed that he would love to have Zuko visit him, but Uncle understood that Zuko’s responsibilities as the Fire Lord didn’t allow for regular visits and he was not pushing it. So far.

Zuko had known that something was up, when he received the message.

Zuko, you must come to Ba Sing Se as quickly as is in your power. I don’t dare to explain in written words, but it is a matter of highest importance, that only you can handle. Save travels, Uncle Iroh

A hollow feeling settled in his stomach, because this didn’t sound like good news but Zuko wasn’t one to neglect his Uncle. Sure, sometimes the old man set his priorities in a strange order, but this didn’t sound like one of his quirky ideas.

When he showed the message to Sokka, the other boy agreed with him. Zuko didn’t feel at ease to leave the Fire Nation capital, because the political situation was still more or less fragile and he didn’t want to give his opponents the impression that it would be an opportunity to start any sort of riot. Sokka, Mai and also his Minister of Defense assured him, that they wouldn’t let that happen and Zuko agreed to leave the responsibility in their hands for the time that he was away. He figured that whatever he had to deal with, wouldn’t last longer than a week.

He had been right.

And he came too late.

Zuko can’t tell what he expected to find, when he arrived in Ba Sing Se. But he certainly didn’t expect to find his Uncle looking at him with a compassionate and incredibly sad expression, before he led Zuko into the chamber that hosted the girl Zuko went out with. Jin had lain there on the bed, feverish and barely alive, one hand protectively resting on the back of the tiny newborn on her chest.

Zuko gulps, when the memory comes crashing into him and he closes his eyes.

Even though she seemed far away, she looked at him through hooded eyes and an expression of disbelief settled on Jin’s face.

“Lee?”, she asked.

The name hit him like a punch to the stomach and though he had been frozen in shock, a bone-crushing feeling of remorse due to his betrayal surged through him. Jin still thought he was a simply citizen, she didn’t know who he really was. Zuko opened his mouth, to correct her, but a hand on his shoulder and a gentle shake of his uncle’s head held him back. Zuko felt a chill run down his spine. She wouldn’t make it. There was no reason to make this any harder.

Zuko’s hands were shaking, when he stepped closer to her.

“You’re really here”, she whispered.

Zuko had no idea how she managed to smile. Jin’s voice was weak and she seemed already halfway gone.

He nodded, unable to form words. His heart was beating painfully in his chest, while his mind was blank. It felt like his brain was shutting down to protect him from whatever was happening right in front of him.

Jin moved, her olive green eyes searching for his and it occurred to him, that she tried to reach his hand. He took it gently and sat down on the bed next to the dying girl.

Jin took a rattling breath. Her skin was pale and sweaty and her hand felt unnaturally hot.

“I was thinking to name her Izumi”, she said with inhuman effort, panting. “Unless, you prefer something else.”

Zuko’s eyes went wide and only in that moment he understood. It hit him like a rock. A big one. Panic threatened to overwhelm him.

She was here because- The baby was- But-

The hand in his was trembling and Jin took another breath, that sounded everything but healthy.

“Lee?”

He snapped out of it, still in shock, but focused on her.

“It’s a beautiful name.”

Jin managed another, tired smile. He squeezed her hand.

“You will be alright. We’ll get a healer and- Uncle! Why didn’t you call a healer?!”

“I did. He left an hour ago. There’s nothing more that they can do.”

“But- What about Katara? She could help! Why didn’t you send her a letter?! Why isn’t she here?!”

“It is too late, Zuko.”

Wide-eyed and horrified he turned back from his uncle to Jin.

“You’ve got to hold on until my friend is here. She could help you”, Zuko tells her.

Jin smiled and for a moment her eyes lit up like they did that night at the Firelight Fountain. They were full of appreciation and admiration and Zuko deserved neither. A desperate huff came over his lips.

“You’re so sweet.”

The words hurt unimaginably. She told him that before and now look what it got her.

Suddenly, Jin started to seize. She moaned in pain, yet she looked up at him once more.

“Take care of Izumi, okay?”

Overwhelmed, confused and frankly unable to do anything else, Zuko nodded.

Jin seized harder, her whole body clampsed and he quickly grabbed the newborn, when it threatened to slip. With horror, Zuko watched, how Jin gasped for air and rolled to the side until her movements stilled and her breath stopped.

 

Even now that day seems surreal, like the worst kind of nightmare and he almost wouldn’t believe it, if it wasn’t for the little girl in the cradle right in front of him.

Zuko wipes a hand over his face.

He has no idea how to go on from here. How is he supposed to take care of a baby? He’s still only a teenager. And he’s the Fire Lord, a task that on most days seems way too big for him. He manages somehow, but how can he reform the Fire Nation and raise a child?

Zuko has no idea how Sokka is going to react. He left to visit his uncle and now he’s coming back with a newborn. He can’t expect Sokka to be cool with that.

Things are still new between them. It was only after Aang and Katara left for the South Pole while Sokka stayed behind to help him handle and grow into the tasks of a Fire Lord, that Zuko admitted to himself that their friendship had grown into something more. Sokka apparently felt the same, but it’s only been a few months that they are together and… well, children definitely haven’t been on the list of things to consider for the next few years. If ever.

He couldn’t blame Sokka, if the Water Tribe boy decided that this was too much. Zuko would accept his decision to leave, even though it would probably crush him. But it’s not Sokka’s fault. It’s entirely his and he can’t help that another wave of excruciating guilt washes over him.

It was only once and yet… It’s his fault that Jin is dead. If they didn’t…

A gentle knock on the door almost has Zuko jump out of his seat.

“Come in”, he says, probably louder than he should have.

Izumi frowns, grimaces and makes a tiny noise of discomfort. Quickly, Zuko sways the cradle and makes a hushing noise at his little daughter. To his utter relief she continues to sleep.

Meanwhile, his advisor Kenzu enters and watches him with a look somewhere between worry and compassion.

“I wanted to let you know, that we’ll arrive at Caldera within the next hour.”

Zuko feels himself going paler and he grabs the cradle tighter to keep his hands from shaking. He knows that it’s inevitable but that doesn’t mean he’s ready.

“Thank you”, he mutters quietly.

Kenzu nods respectfully, but he doesn’t retreat.

“What is it?”, Zuko asks, unwilling to deal with whatever problem came up, while he’s been hiding away in this very cabin since they left Ba Sing Se two days ago.

“Have you decided, what is to happen with the baby?”

Zuko’s head shots up and he looks at Kenzu, not sure what his advisor is getting at. The man flinches uncomfortably and though Zuko values his advice, he is pretty sure that he’s not going to like whatever idea Kenzu came up with.

The advisor clears his throat.

“Lady Rika, the wife of your loyal General Jee, is expected to give birth any day now. I am sure, if the Fire Lord himself asked them for a favor, they wouldn’t turn you down. Nobody would have to know about the child until you wish for it to happen, if ever.“

Kenzu stops abruptly and has the decency lower his gaze, while Zuko stares at him, his mouth agape.

It takes him a moment to understand, what exactly Kenzu suggests. He turns back to the sleeping baby and his heart clenches painfully in his chest. How could the man even think this would be an option?

It is an option, the rational part of Zuko’s brain knows that. Politically, it would be the best solution to give the baby to someone, who is more capable and suitable as a parent and whose life is less turbulent. His heart however screams in protest.

His troubled mind reminds him, that again he let someone down. It nags at him, because he simply cannot make this right. It’s too late for that. The price has been paid and not by him. A wave of sadness washes over him and Zuko pinches the back of his nose.

“You ask me to give her away?”

“It is not my place to tell you what to do”, Kenzu says, surprisingly gently. “But you have to consider, what is best for the Fire Nation. And also for you. You’re still so young and given the political situation it might not be wise to- what I’m trying to say is, it would be easier.”

“Easier”, Zuko repeats, his voice sounding hollow.

That might be true, but the idea terrifies him just as much as the idea to actually raise the child. And yet, he’s brought enough dishonor on himself already.

“I already abandoned her mother”, he says through gritted teeth. “I will not turn my back on Izumi. And neither should you, Kenzu. She’s the Princess of the Fire Nation.”

Kenzu looks at him baffled and Zuko shifts uncomfortably in his seat. He might be silly and unreasonable. But deep down he knows that he cannot part from his daughter.

“You plan to officially acknowledge her?”, Kenzu asks in disbelief.

Zuko nods and almost expects a protest.

“Very well”, Kenzu sighs, instead. “People will talk.”

“Let them. It’s unlikely that I will produce another heir, so they better accept her.”

“How do you think, he will react?”, Kenzu asks. He’s aware of Sokka’s and his relationship even if they never talked about it. It’s simply his job to know what is going on in Zuko’s life.

“I have absolutely no idea.”

Kenzu nods in understanding.

“I will make arrangements for the princess. And I will see to it, that you have some privacy once we arrive.”

“Thank you, Kenzu.”

The advisors bows and leaves him alone.

The airship is going down slowly and Zuko gently picks Izumi from her bed and cradles her into his arms. She wakes up and makes a protesting noise, her ember eyes meeting his.

“We’ll be home soon”, he mumbles and lets her grab his finger. Her hand is so tiny, but her grip surprisingly strong. Zuko just hopes that she’s strong enough to deal with whatever comes her way. He will try his best to make sure she is.

 

 

 

Zuko feels nauseous and he presses Izumi tightly against his chest, while he stands in front of the door to his private quarters and hesitates to enter. He knows that he can’t delay it any longer and that he has to get it over with or otherwise Sokka will hear the news from the palace staff and that would be even worse.

 He takes a deep breath and knocks to give Sokka a heads-up, before he pushes the door handle down and steps into the room.

Sokka’s head shots up, a wide grin on his face.

“You’re ba-“

He stops immediately, once he catches a glimpse of him and an expression of confusion and bewilderment settles on his face. Zuko gulps. His heart is beating painfully against his ribcage and he’s absolutely out of words. He just looks at Sokka, a little helpless, while Izumi seems to sense his nerves and starts to squirm in his arms.

Zuko looks down onto the little girl, then back to Sokka and opens his mouth, but he doesn’t know what to say.

Sokka’s eyes are now fixed on Izumi and a frown settles on his face. Zuko almost expects him to blurt out something, but instead the Water Tribe boy licks his lips and puts the brush in his hand aside carefully, before he stands up.

Zuko shivers a little and unconsciously takes a step back.

Sokka looks at him and at first, there is an unreadable expression on his face, that is quickly replaced by curiosity, when he stops in front of them.

“Who do we have here?”, he asks, his voice calm and soothing.

Zuko can’t tell how grateful he is for Sokka’s obvious effort to not freak out or to not add to his own nervousness. It’s obvious that the Water Tribe boy has a million questions, and rightfully so, but he’s trying to stay collected and Zuko appreciates that deeply.

Sokka leans over and gives him a quick peck on the lips, that Zuko takes as a good sign, before he looks at the infant again, who’s still squirming unhappily in Zuko’s arms.

“Her name is Izumi”, Zuko explains, after he has found his voice again.

Sokka takes her out of his arms and holds her up in front of him to get a look at her. Izumi makes another noise of protest, before she reaches out a tiny arm to try and pat Sokka’s face. The Water Tribe boy laughs, settles her into his arms and sways her gently. A smile plays on his lips, when the little girl calms down.

Zuko takes in the picture in front of him, of Sokka holding his child, both of them obviously content with it and his mind is blank. He’s afraid of what will happen next, of Sokka telling him that she’s sweet and everything, but that he cannot raise a child with him. All Zuko wants to do is close the distance and cuddle up against Sokka, because he feels exhausted. So far, he held back his grief. Even if his relationship with Jin hadn’t been deep and probably too short to even call it a relationship, he is devastated that she is gone. Jin was a great girl, a kind soul and if they hadn’t been forced to leave Ba Sing Se, who knows what might have happened. Zuko had feelings for her. It had been more than a simple crush, the first real feelings he had for anyone.

He wants to explain all that to Sokka, he needs him to understand that this changes nothing about the things he feels for Sokka. The other boy is everything to him. He loves him. Zuko doesn’t want that to go to waste, he wants him to understand that he’s sad and that he would understand every decision the other boy is going to make. He wants Sokka to stay so badly, but he would understand if that is not possible.

Sokka is still looking at Izumi, frankly fascinated.

“She has your eyes”, he notes but throws a questioning look his direction.

Zuko looks down and nods. He doesn’t want to see Sokka’s reaction.

For a moment there is silence.

“What about her mother?” Now Sokka sounds tense, but still caring and worried.

Zuko exhales and shakes his head, he can’t bring himself to say the words. He doesn’t has to. An arm is wrapped around him and Zuko buries his face against Sokka’s neck, inhaling the scent that feels like home to him. A bit of the tension in his shoulders eases. He wraps his arm around Sokka’s waist, careful not to crush Izumi between them.

“She… when I arrived… but then…”

“Ssshhh. It’s okay. I get it.”

Zuko shakes his head.

“I… You don’t have to- I would understand-“

There’s a noise coming from Izumi and an ugly smell spreads quickly. Sokka scrunches up his nose.

“Uh-oh. Now, this is not very princess-y behavior. Someone needs a bath and a new diaper, huh?”, he says to the baby.

Zuko reaches out to take her back, but Sokka places another kiss this time on his cheek.

“I got this”, he says and disappears in their bathing chamber. “Though I would appreciate if you could get the diapers.”

“The servants are on it already”, Zuko says, confused and follows Sokka.

“You don’t have to do this”, he insists, “I mean, this changes everything. I would understand if you don’t want to do this.”

“It’s not the first infant I’ve bathed”, Sokka says, shrugging.

“No. But… I mean… She’s my daughter. But, I don’t expect you to just be okay with that and move on.”

“Would you rather have me make a scene or freak out?”

Zuko shrugs. He’s actually not sure. Sokka shakes his head.

“See, I need you to explain what exactly happened, okay. But not right now. We’ve got time for that. Right now, I want to make sure that you’re okay, because you look like you haven’t slept since you left Caldera a week ago. And you look as if you start crying any minute now.”

“That’s a possibility”, Zuko admits and Sokka throws a tiny smile at him, while he sinks Izumi into the warm water, making sure that her head stays above.

“I just don’t know if we’re ready for this.”

“Being dads?”

Sokka sounds casual and not at all uncomfortable with the idea and Zuko is a little baffled. He nods.

“I’ve once heard my Dad tell a young warrior who wasn’t sure about this question either, that there is never the right time and that no one is ever ready to become a parent. It just happens.”

“But you don’t have to. You’ve got the choice.”

Sokka hums, while he carefully bathes Izumi.

“I want you. And as apparently that comes in a package with this little Miss Sunshine here, I gotta deal with it.”

Zuko can’t believe how certain and unbothered Sokka sounds saying this. A whole lot of emotions bubble up inside him, all the bad from what he witnessed – the grief, the remorse, the doubt, the fear – and all the good as he sees Izumi and Sokka – fondness, gratitude, admiration, wonder and-

It’s simply overwhelming and Zuko doesn’t know where to put all of these feelings.

“I love you”, he blurts out.

Sokka stills and stares at him. It’s the first time he said it. A smile, like he’s never seen it settles on the Water Tribe boy’s face and he sees the emotion reflected in Sokka’s eyes.

Slowly, Sokka gets Izumi out of the water and wraps her into a towel, before he comes over to Zuko again.

“I love you too, Zuko.”

Then he kisses him, slowly and reassuringly, and Zuko allows himself to get lost in it until a little wail snaps him out of it. They break apart and Zuko smiles at Sokka apologizingly, before he takes his- no – their daughter out of his arms to hold her against his chest.

“We’ll figure this out”, Sokka says and Zuko nods.

He knows that he has some stuff to work through, but he’s willing to put in the effort. For Jin’s sake and also for what seems to become his family. Sokka, Izumi and him.