Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Snow had settled on everything, soft and undisturbed, but even in the pure white stillness, Wataru’s house stood out like a sore thumb; polished floors and pristine decor, somehow more dazzling than the freezing snow outside. Everything felt sterile, almost too carefully constructed, like a stage that Wataru would stroll out on at any moment, ready to command the spotlight.

Rei sat on Wataru’s bed, careful to not disturb the ever so present paper mountain, glancing at his friend trying on clothes. 

He shifted uncomfortably. There was something unnerving about being here; not just because of the house’s cold perfection, but because of Wataru himself. He’d asked Rei to come by before they headed to Shu’s place for the evening, claiming he had something to discuss. Rei had expected Wataru to launch into it the moment he arrived, cutting straight to the heart of whatever he felt was so important to discuss while they were alone.

But now they were here, and Wataru hadn’t said a word about it. Instead, he was pulling shirt after shirt out his wardrobe, each one more similar to its predecessor to the point where Rei asked himself if Wataru just had an infinite stack of that one singular shirt, as he gestured theatrically and rambled about... what was it now? Something about winter symbolism and the purity of snow? Rei wasn’t sure; he’d stopped keeping track ten minutes ago.

As Wataru chatted away, his voice fluid and theatrical, Rei’s thoughts drifted. He’d assumed Wataru wouldn’t be alone when he invited him over. Eichi’s absence was notable, though Wataru had yet to mention him at all. Rei expected him to come with them to Shu’s house, after all, he was coming as Wataru’s boyfriend, so it was normal they’d show up together, right? 

Apparently not, because Eichi wasn’t there. 

He thought about asking directly but hesitated. Wataru had an uncanny ability to evade questions he didn’t want to answer, and Rei wasn’t in the mood to chase the truth through one of Wataru’s conversational labyrinths. Instead, he listened absently to Wataru’s musings, catching snippets about the weather, an upcoming performance, and some poetic reflection about the transience of snow. Rei’s focus wandered again.

Where would Eichi be, anyway? It wasn’t like he had somewhere else to be; they had to show up to Shu’s house in less than an hour, so he couldn’t possibly be doing something else. But, if he was getting ready, why wasn’t he doing that with his boyfriend? Rei knew for a fact Wataru would love to have Eichi around as he tried on the umpteenth light blue shirt, or at the very least, would like to have him around way more than Rei, to whom he still felt the need to explain that it was aquamarine, not light blue. 

Rei had a suspicion Eichi would get the difference. He didn’t. 

“Eichi isn’t coming with us?” Rei asked casually, keeping his tone light, though his eyes sharpened, watching Wataru for any flicker of hesitation.

Wataru tilted his head, as though the question had caught him off guard. “Ah, no.” he replied, gesturing loosely with his hand. “Eichi is preoccupied right now, he’ll meet us there later. He’s exchanging gifts with the band.”

“The band?” Rei repeated, his brows furrowing slightly. The band? Had he heard right? 

There was a barely perceptible pause before Wataru sighed, the corners of his mouth twitching with an amused smile. “Ah, I’ve gone and said too much, haven’t I?” He tapped his chin theatrically, then gave Rei a conspiratorial look. “Well, the cat’s out of the bag now, so I may as well tell you. Eichi is in Knights Killer. But you didn’t hear that from me.”

The words hung in the air, and for a moment, Rei simply stared at him, trying to process what he’d just heard.

Eichi Tenshouin. In Knights Killer.

The thought was almost absurd. Knights Killer wasn’t just a band; it was the band everyone seemed to be talking about lately. Their music was haunting and visceral, a stark contrast to the elegant, polished image Eichi projected. Their anonymity was part of their appeal, each member masked on stage, yet the secrecy wasn’t foolproof. Some identities were easily guessed, like Kuro Kiryu, whose towering frame, striking red hair, and distinctive voice made him impossible to miss. Or at least, to Rei it was impossible. He spent too much time hearing Shu talk about him to not recognize him instantly, though he didn’t make his role in the band a secret either.  But Eichi? Rei had never suspected.    

His mind reeled, trying to reconcile the image of Eichi, with his delicate refinement and soft-spoken charm, with the raw, cutting energy of Knights Killer. It didn’t fit. Or maybe it did, in some strange, hidden way.

Rei leaned back against the couch, exhaling a long breath. “You’re telling me Eichi is part of Knights Killer. ” He didn’t phrase it as a question. 

Wataru simply smiled, a hint of mischief in his eyes. “That’s precisely what I’m telling you. Surprising, isn’t it? Eichi has his depths, you know.”

“Please, don’t talk to me about your boyfriend’s depths.” He took one little paper piece from the pyramid on the bed, and started to tear it apart unconsciously. “Also, you’re just... telling me this?” Rei frowned, his thoughts churning. “I thought the whole point was anonymity.”

“Ah, well, I do trust you to keep it to yourself.” Wataru said lightly, waving off Rei’s concern. “You understand discretion as well as I do, don’t you?”

Rei shook his head, a wry smile tugging at his lips despite himself. Wataru’s cavalier attitude toward his boyfriend was nothing new, though it did feel a bit jarring after he just told him about something that was supposed to be a secret. The revelation felt monumental in a way he hadn’t quite anticipated. He ran a hand through his hair, trying to shake the disbelief clinging to him.

Knights Killer. And Eichi.

Somehow, the world seemed both larger and smaller than it had moments ago.

Rei couldn’t shake the absurdity of it. Eichi was in Knights Killer? That sickly, logorrheic guy in such a band? He expected someone like Koga in a band like that, maybe even himself, but EIchi? The thought didn’t just baffle him; it almost made him laugh out loud. The contrast between Eichi’s delicate demeanor and the visceral, almost feral reputation of Knights Killer was like imagining a porcelain teacup leading a cavalry charge.

He leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees, his fingers still idly shredding the paper he’d plucked from Wataru’s ridiculous paper mountain. “You’re telling me,” Rei began slowly, as if saying it aloud might help it make sense, “that Eichi Tenshouin- the same guy you told me once fainted because you kissed him too long- is in Knights Killer?”

“Yes.” Wataru said simply, his tone serene as if it were the most natural thing in the world. “He plays the bass, you know. He’s quite good, too.”

Rei’s mind was empty. What? 

He blinked, at a rare loss for words. He stared at Wataru, searching for some sign that he might be joking, but all he found was that same faintly amused smile.

“And,” Wataru added with a flourish, “please don’t tell anyone. It’s something of a secret, especially from his parents. They wouldn’t approve.”

“Why not?” Rei asked, though the answer came to him even as he said it.

“They don’t want him doing anything strenuous.” Wataru explained, his voice softening slightly. “Given his... physical fragility, they worry about him overexerting himself. A rock band would be entirely out of the question in their eyes.”

Rei couldn’t help but scoff, shaking his head in disbelief. “How would I even let his parents know? Like I’d march up to the Tenshouin mansion, ring the doorbell, and rat out your boyfriend. ‘Excuse me, Mr. Tenshouin, but did you know your very sick son is playing bass in a rock band?’” His tone dripped with sarcasm, though he couldn’t entirely suppress the faint edge of disbelief and slight amusement.

Wataru chuckled, entirely unbothered. “Oh, I never thought you would. But you know how secrets can be, they have a way of slipping out.”

Rei exhaled sharply, still grappling with the sheer ridiculousness of the revelation. “Sure, whatever.” he muttered, leaning back into the unmade bed and crossing his arms. “I won’t say a word.” He paused, then added under his breath, “To most people, anyway.”

Wataru’s smile widened knowingly, but he didn’t comment.

“Since we’re sharing secrets now,” Rei started, glancing at his friend, “Can you tell me why you made me come here in the first place? Because I have a feeling this wasn’t just about revealing Tenshouin’s secret bass-playing career.”

Wataru clasped his hands together, his expression momentarily thoughtful. “Ah, yes. The true reason for our little tête-à-tête.” He sighed, tilting his head as though searching for the right words. “Rei, first and foremost, let me say how delighted I am that you and Shu are acting like you’re friends again. It’s truly heartwarming. Reconciliation, forgiveness, such beautiful things.”

Rei tensed, sensing the shift in Wataru’s tone. “But?”

“But.” Wataru’s eyes sharpened, his voice softening in a way that felt uncharacteristically serious. “I need to ask you for a favor. Tonight, at Shu’s- please, please, I beg of you- don’t act the way you do with him. At least not in front of Mika.”

The words hit Rei like a splash of cold water. Eh? 

“I have no clue what you’re talking about.” Rei evaded Wataru’s gaze like it could slash through the barriers he erected in his mind and look through his thoughts. 

Wataru sighed, temporarily suspending the state of siege to his wardrobe. “Don’t act dumb, Rei. You know what I mean.” He sat on the edge of his bed, searching for Rei’s eyes but ultimately failing his quest. “You flirt with him.” 

Rei jolted upwards, leaning on his forearms. “Excuse me? I do not.” 

“Mh-hm.” Wataru nodded, but raised an eyebrow. He didn’t even need to say he didn’t believe him, it was written all over his face. “Then what was-” he gesticulated with his hands, “- that? When we hung out a few days ago and you two were- you know how you acted, I don’t need to spell it out loud.” 

“I-” Rei began, but as he opened his mouth he realized he had no idea what to say. Wataru was right, he and Shu flirted. Quite a lot, too. 

But he knew that wasn’t going to happen ever again. They only acted a certain way because they had a mutual goal and they both promised something to Natsume, not out of their own will to flirt with each other. Well. Not on Shu’s part, at least. Rei wasn’t sure he wanted to think about himself. 

“You two are my best friends ever.” Wataru placed his hand on Rei’s ankle. He’d always been touchy with his friends, and Rei never really minded. It was how he displayed affection, and Rei wasn’t one to turn away from that. 

Surprisingly enough, Shu wasn’t either. Wataru was one of the few people that could touch him. 

“I’m not being dramatic or exaggerating when I say that I couldn’t be happier that you two are talking again. The months you spent ignoring each other were uncomfortable at best and excruciating at worst, really. But,” he stopped for a second, as if to gather his thoughts, “Tonight is going to be hard for Eichi. I don’t want him to feel any more uncomfortable than he already is.” 

Rei scrunched his nose in confusion. While he could think of a few reasons why Eichi could be uncomfortable spending Christmas with him and his friends, he didn’t think Wataru was hinting at that. After all, Natsume said that Wataru had no idea about Eichi’s past with Tsumugi, so he couldn’t possibly be talking about that. Though, that only confused him more; why was Eichi uncomfortable? Did he not enjoy their company? But, from that one brief conversation he had with him a few months back, Eichi seemed to enjoy talking despite his conversation partner. 

He didn’t feel comfortable asking Wataru. He didn’t want to pry into Eichi’s personal life. He had enough for today. 

“I promise I’m going to behave.” Rei said, and he truly believed it. After all, there was no risk of anything happening. That was a one time thing. Things between him and Shu were back at their normal, awkward, terrible status quo now. 

“Amazing.” Wataru gently tapped his ankle and stood up, going back to assaulting his clothes. 

Rei was uncomfortable. He didn’t like that Wataru thought he could be a source of discomfort, though, he knew he was. He did it on purpose. He didn’t know if he regretted having agreed to Natsume’s plan. 

It didn’t even really lead them anywhere; Eichi was still coming, Tsumugi was still going to freak out for whatever reason, and Wataru now thought he was a homewrecker that had little care for his friends. 

Rei wanted everything but to make his friends feel bad. He could never flirt with Shu- he was happy with Mika and that boy was practically obsessed with him, he could never do something like that to him, even if he was in a relationship with the man Rei loved. 

He understood too well what it meant to feel betrayed. He could never do that to someone else. 

His thoughts startet to turn into blades and swirl around his brain, chopping it in small little pieces. Despite not ever wanting to hurt Mika like he had been hurt, Rei liked flirting with Shu. A lot. It shouldn’t have been surprising, he was well aware of his own feelings even if he tried really hard to ignore them, so, even if he felt terribly guilty, he couldn’t bring himself to regret having said yes to Natsume. 

He got to be close with Shu again, and the guilt was worth it. 

That didn’t mean he’d ever go any further, though. The idea of ever getting to kiss Shu again, to touch Shu again, made his mouth dry and his palms sweaty but that was all it could be, an idea. If he ever kissed Shu again he’d never forgive himself, not if Shu was still with Mika. Rei respected love too much to do that. 

He wasn’t sure if there was still solid matter in his skull. He needed to distract himself. 

“So,” he called for Wataru’s attention, “Tenshouin plays the bass?” 

Wataru’s eyes sparkled at the mention of his boyfriend. “He’s very good- but you know that, don’t you? They’re pretty popular nowadays.”

Wataru’s face lit up with the chance to gush, his hands animated as he began chanting his boyfriend’s praises. Rei nodded along, but his focus drifted almost immediately. The words spilled into the air, but they felt distant, like background noise at a crowded café.

Rei’s gaze wandered to the window, his reflection faint against the glass. The image of himself, disheveled and exhausted, stared back. Somehow, it felt like it was missing something, a certain crack. The tightness in his chest grew heavier. It wasn’t Wataru’s fault; he wasn’t ready to hear about someone else’s triumphs right now.

He felt terrible. He couldn’t find it in himself to be happy for Eichi’s success- it could’ve been him, but he failed. He and Koga had been inseparable as kids, bonding over their shared obsession with sound. They’d spend hours in his cramped bedroom, their voices hoarse from singing, fingers raw from strumming until the sun dipped below the horizon, their music covering every yell, every cry. Those early years felt untouchable, full of something pure. It was joy, ambition, and the kind of naïve hope only kids could have.

But now, that hope felt so far away.

The memory of Keito leaving their band was still a bitter sting, no matter how much time passed. They had tried to find someone to fill his place, really tried, but no one seemed to stick. People came and went, leaving nothing but fleeting impressions and empty promises. Without a full band, they couldn’t perform, couldn’t share their music with the world the way they had always dreamed, and what’s the point of making art if you can’t share it with someone else? 

Rei’s stomach twisted with frustration. He hated how much that hurt. Performing had been his goal, that one thing that made him feel truly alive, that gave him the strength to keep going. Now, it felt like he was just... stagnant. Writing songs in the shadows, playing in silence, his music going nowhere. Nobody knew it existed but him, and- does something really exist if no one is aware of it? 

If Rei wrote a thousand songs and never showed them to anyone, did they truly exist? What’s the difference between a thought and something real and tangible, if no one can see it? 

And then there was Shu.

Rei’s throat tightened. His chest felt hollow, like an ache that refused to subside. He hadn’t written anything new since it all fell apart with Shu. It was pitiful, really. He’d always prided himself on being passionate, resilient. But the second Shu turned away, it was like he’d forgotten how to create.

The realization hit him again, like it always did, that his entire world had unraveled because that one person didn’t love him back. His breath hitched, heat crawling up his neck, not from anger but shame .

How pathetic.

Eichi wasn’t like that. Eichi, with his illness and with his parents who wanted him to give up music entirely. None of it stopped him. Despite everything, Eichi played. He loved art so much that he didn’t let anything stand in his way. He wasn’t making excuses or waiting for the stars to align. He simply did it.

And Rei? Rei had let rejection snuff out his fire.

The shame sat heavy in his stomach, sharp and gnawing. His palms itched with a restlessness he couldn’t shake, like his body was screaming for something he refused to give it. His fingers curled into fists, nails biting into his palms, grounding him in the present.

“...and he’s honestly incredible.” Wataru was saying, his tone light and admiring.

Rei blinked, realizing he’d missed most of the explanation. His lips twitched into a faint smile, the kind that didn’t reach his eyes. “Sounds like Eichi’s really something.” he murmured, more to himself than to Wataru.

Wataru paused, his perceptive gaze flicking over Rei’s face. “Are you okay, Rei?”

“Of course.” Rei waved him off, his voice light and airy, betraying none of the storm raging in his chest.

But inside, he felt like he was crumbling.

How long had it been since he wrote something? Truly wrote, pouring himself into lyrics or melodies like he used to? The thought of touching his guitar now felt foreign, as if he no longer deserved it. He loved music, he always had, but somewhere along the way, he’d let that love slip through his fingers, lost to the weight of everything else.

Rei’s heart ached with longing and resentment, the two emotions twining together so tightly it was hard to tell them apart.

Wataru had returned to his closet, oblivious to Rei’s internal struggle, humming softly to himself. Rei forced himself to sit up straighter, shaking his head as if the motion could dislodge the heaviness inside.

But it didn’t.

Instead, it lingered, curling in his chest like smoke, suffocating and inescapable.

The walk to Shu’s house was mercifully short, just a few streets over from Wataru’s. Snow blanketed the ground, muffling their footsteps and giving the night an eerie quietness. Rei shoved his hands deep into his coat pockets, his breath puffing out in frosty clouds. Wataru was beside him, humming softly, his strides light and purposeful.

The familiar tension in Rei’s chest hadn’t eased. If anything, it grew heavier with each step closer to Shu. He wasn’t sure why; it wasn’t as if he hadn’t seen him recently. Though, maybe that was the point, maybe that outing thoroughly messed him up. Something about tonight felt different too, like the holiday cheer in the air had sharpened everything he was trying to dull.

Shu’s house came into view, its warm glow spilling from the windows onto the snow. It was exactly like he remembered it being, and Rei wasn’t really surprised by that. He spent way too much time in that house to be surprised. Just standing in the front yard made him feel awfully nostalgic; everything was too familiar. He remembered every single tree, the chipped mailbox that they refused to change because it had the Itsuki name carved into it and buying another one would be too much work, the shiny doorbell that he stopped having to ring at some point because Shu’s grandfather gave him the keys to his house- it was too much. 

Rei closed his eyes shut and exhaled. He needed to calm down. This was going to be a great night. He needed to act normal. He owed it to his friends.

Wataru reached the door first and knocked with theatrical flourish, grinning over his shoulder. “Here we are, my dear Rei! Ready to spread holiday cheer?”

Rei mustered a smile. “Always.”

The door swung open, revealing Shu, impeccably dressed as usual, though his apron hinted he’d been busy preparing for the evening. His expression was neutral, almost bored, but his eyes softened slightly at the sight of them. Rei’s heart skipped a beat. He wished it could skip several and put an end to his sufferings. 

“You’re early.” Shu said, stepping aside to let them in. “I’m surprised, to be honest. I expected Wataru to make a dramatic entrance late without reason.”

Wataru beamed. “Ah, but it’s the early bird that secures the finest Christmas treats!”

Natsume appeared behind Shu, holding a tray of drinks. “Good evening.” he greeted in his usual enigmatic tone, though there was a faint smile tugging at his lips. Tsumugi was a step behind him, giving them both a warm wave.

“Rei! Wataru! Merry Christmas!” Tsumugi’s voice was soft but genuine, his curls slightly mussed as though he’d been rushing to help with last-minute preparations.

“Merry Christmas!” Wataru replied, spreading his arms wide as though to embrace the whole room with his cheer. Rei offered a simple nod and a quiet “Merry Christmas” in return, feeling the subtle warmth of their welcome despite his own inner turmoil.

The fireplace was lit up, the house was brimming with Christmas ornaments and the big Christmas tree in the corner of the room helped the fire with painting the room with a warm, golden colour. 

Everything seemed taken out of a Christmas movie. Rei hoped his night could have a happy ending, too. 

The small group settled into easy conversation, exchanging lighthearted greetings and discussing the food, the gifts, even Mademoiselle’s Christmas jumper. Shu said it was his grandfather’s idea, but Rei knew it wasn’t. Rei managed to stay present in each conversation, responding where necessary and laughing at his friend’s antics, but part of him was acutely aware of Shu’s presence.

Shu, who stood close to Natsume as they talked, occasionally gesturing with one hand while cradling a steaming mug in the other. Shu, who always seemed effortlessly composed, like nothing could rattle him.

Rei’s fingers twitched in his pockets. He wasn’t sure if it was the heat in the room or something else entirely, but his skin felt too tight, like he couldn’t quite breathe properly.

“Rei.” Wataru’s voice pulled him from his thoughts. “Shall we go place our gifts?”

“Ah, don’t put them under the tree.” Tsumugi placed an hand on Wataru’s shoulder. “It’s silly, but-” 

“We’re putting them in a closet and the last person to go to sleep tonight will put them under the tree, so it’s like Santa came and all that.” Natsume appeared beside his boyfriend, resting his head against his arm.

Rei smiled at the idea. Sure, it was a bit childish, but who cared? It was cute, and Rei never got to go to sleep as a kid on Christmas’ eve wondering if Santa would come that night, he knew he wouldn’t, so the idea of getting to experience that left him with much higher hopes for the night than he anticipated. 

The house grew quieter as they stepped away from the living room’s lively conversation. Wataru led the way, carefully placing his neatly wrapped presents among the others. Rei did the same, his movements automatic.

“Isn’t it lovely?” Wataru said, straightening a bow on one of his gifts. “This tradition of exchanging little treasures. A reminder of how much we all mean to one another.”

Rei hummed noncommittally, his mind still stuck on the way Shu had looked when he opened the door. The calm poise, the small flicker of recognition in his eyes.

It wasn’t fair, Rei thought bitterly. Shu probably didn’t even realize the small shift in his expression. And yet, here he was, unable to stop the pang in his chest every time his figure came to mind.

“Rei,” Wataru’s voice cut through his spiraling thoughts, softer now. “Are you sure you’re all right?”

Rei forced a smile, one he didn’t feel. “Of course. It’s Christmas’ eve, after all.”

But even as he said it, the words felt hollow. He could feel the weight of his own lie pressing down on him, heavier than any gift he could ever carry.

When Rei and Wataru returned to the living room, someone, presumably Tsumugi, had put on Christmas music. Natsume was lounging near the fireplace, sipping something warm as he hummed to the song, while Shu stood nearby, flipping through his phone as if he couldn’t be less interested in the gathering, though Rei clearly heard him humming softly with Natsume.  The atmosphere was warm, comfortable, yet, to Rei, it felt like walking into a room charged with static, everything faintly humming beneath the surface.

“Rei,” Natsume called, his tone smooth but pointed, eyes flicking toward Shu. “Come with me for a second.”

Rei barely had time to nod before Natsume rose, leaving his mug on the mantel with a soft clink. He strode toward the hallway, grabbing Shu by the arm on the way. Shu frowned but followed without protest. Natsume waved a hand for Rei to join them, and Rei hesitated only for a second before trailing behind.

Wataru watched them leave, his smile faltering for the briefest moment before he schooled it back into place. The others in the room didn’t seem to notice. They carried on with whatever they were doing, oblivious to the way Wataru’s hands fidgeted with the hem of his coat.

Wataru shifted his gaze toward the door where his friends had disappeared. He felt the pang of it again, the quiet, creeping ache he thought he’d learned to live with.

They were hiding something. They always had.

Wataru sank into an armchair, his usual theatrical grace dulled. He clasped his hands in his lap, letting his gaze fall to the flickering fire.

He missed them.

It wasn’t as if they weren’t still his friends, they were, but something had shifted in ways he couldn’t quite articulate. Rei, Shu, Natsume, they were all here, but it often felt like they were a world away, orbiting some secret he couldn’t touch.

Wataru prided himself on being perceptive, on knowing his friends better than they knew themselves. But lately, he could only watch from the edges, their laughter, their conspiratorial glances, all happening just out of reach.

He didn’t want to be mad at Shu, he knew being with Mika made him happy, but he couldn’t help but feel a little frustrated. Everything fell apart when he rejected Rei; he couldn’t hang with both of them, because Rei couldn’t bear to be near Shu and Shu seemed always on edge when someone mentioned Rei, and Wataru didn’t even know why. They wouldn’t tell him. 

He knew they had loved each other, they weren’t as good as hiding it as they thought. They looked at each other in ways they didn’t look at him, and he was happy for them; his two best friends finding love could only make him happy, and the fact that they found it within each other was even better. 

They always made sure to include Wataru in everything they did, and even if it was clear that they cared for each other in a different way, he never felt like he was third wheeling. 

It wasn’t third wheeling. It was spending time with his friends. 

He really didn’t get why they wouldn’t just come out with it and get together. Were they scared of his reaction? It wasn’t like he didn’t already know. No, there was something stopping them, or at least, stopping Shu, because he knew for a fact Shu was the one that put an end to their relationship- or whatever it was. 

It wasn’t like Shu didn’t love Rei. Wataru knew he did long before Shu knew. He saw Shu change with Rei, saw him open up to the world, to love, to affection, to a whole new range of experiences Wataru knew Shu’d never experience without him.

Rei helped mold Shu into the man he was today, Rei was the one that helped Shu learn how to be in a relationship, Rei was the one that made it possible for Shu and Mika to be together. 

Without his experience with Rei, Shu could’ve never handled a relationship, Wataru was sure of that. 

And yet, he left him anyway. 

Rei never recovered from that. Wataru knew he liked to pretend he did, that now he was fine, that seeing Shu didn’t affect him anymore, but he knew it wasn’t true. Rei wasn’t the same anymore.  

It hurt more than he cared to admit.

Wataru felt a hand on his shoulder, and he glanced up to see Tsumugi smiling down at him, kind and warm as ever. “You look like you could use some tea, Wataru. Let me get you some.”

“Ah, Tsumugi, you’re too kind.” Wataru forced his usual effervescent tone, even as the warmth in Tsumugi’s voice only made the ache sharper.

As Tsumugi moved toward the kitchen, Wataru let his mask slip again, just for a moment. The fire crackled softly, its light dancing on the polished wood floors.

He missed the old days. Before the silences, before the secrets. When their conversations were effortless, when laughter came without the weight of whatever it was they were keeping from him.

He wanted his friends back.

Meanwhile, Shu, Natsume and Rei were crowded inside a way too familiar bathroom. It felt suffocating. He used to dye Shu’s hair there, as he harshly refused to do it in his own personal bathroom because he was so convinced the dye could stain the sink. It never did. Rei leaned back against the counter, letting the cool edge press into his palms as he tried to focus on Natsume’s words.

“Listen carefully,” Natsume began, his tone uncharacteristically solemn. His sharp eyes darted between the two of them. “Tsumugi’s doing fine right now. Fine . But we cannot risk anything tonight. You two need to help me keep an eye on him- and that man .” He paused for emphasis, the gravity in his voice leaving no room for misunderstanding. “Do not leave them alone in a room together, no matter what. And for the love of everything, do not talk about exes or anything of the sort. Understood?”

Shu crossed his arms, his expression unreadable as usual, but he nodded. “I can assure you, that won’t be a problem.” He almost scoffed.

Rei raised an eyebrow at him and tried to swallow the lump forming in his throat. “Second that.”  His voice came out quieter than he’d intended, but neither of them seemed to notice.

Natsume tilted his head, scrutinizing them both before continuing. “Good. Also, please, don’t get wasted tonight.” His gaze got softer, as if he was just adding that as an afterthought. “If you’re going to be of any use, I need you to stay clear-headed. For me.”

Rei nodded automatically. He did drink from time to time, but he never got drunk. It brought back bad memories, and there was nothing he wanted to think about less than his father. 

Shu’s voice cut through the tension. “Fine by me.”

“Yeah, don’t worry.” Rei echoed, though the words felt heavy on his tongue.

He felt disgusting for it, but the idea of getting drunk to wash away his awkwardness around Shu and Kagehira was tempting. Alcohol made everything softer, less sharp around the edges. But he also knew what came with it: the loose lips, the messy vulnerability, the overwhelming urge to just say everything that simmered beneath his practiced exterior.

Rei could see it now; him, glassy-eyed and swaying, confessing to everyone in earshot that he still loved Shu. That he never stopped. That he probably never would.

And Shu, standing there, looking as disgusted as did the first time those words left his mouth. And Kagehira- Rei didn’t even want to imagine Mika’s expression.

The thought alone made his chest tighten, and his hands curled into fists at his sides.

“Rei.” Natsume’s voice brought him back to the moment.

“Hm?”

“I mean it.” Natsume’s gaze was unwavering. “Keep it together. I really need you two on my side tonight.”

Rei forced a smile, one he hoped was convincing. “Don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine.”

But would he?

The bathroom felt even smaller now, suffused with the weight of unspoken truths and carefully guarded secrets. Shu had already shifted his attention back to Natsume, nodding along with whatever else their friend was saying, but Rei’s mind was far away.

His fingers flexed against the counter’s edge as he willed himself to focus, to stay grounded.

He couldn’t let himself slip. Not tonight. Not ever.

Even as the familiar ache stirred within him, whispering of all the things he wanted to say but couldn’t, Rei pushed it down. Deep down.

It was safer that way.

The bathroom door swung open, and Rei trailed behind Natsume and Shu as they stepped back into the living room. The sound of laughter hit his ears immediately, loud and bright, contrasting with the muted warmth of the crackling fire.

His gaze shifted toward the front door, where Koga, Mika, and Narukami had just arrived, brushing off the cold. Mika was still mid-laugh as he hung up his coat, and Narukami leaned against the doorframe, a playful grin on her face as she nudged Koga in the ribs.

“Oi, what’re you laughin’ at, huh?” Koga shot back, though there was no bite to his words. His grin was wide, his eyes practically sparkling with amusement.

“I’m laughing at you, obviously.” Narukami raised an eyebrow, crossing her arms with mock severity. 

Rei stopped short, watching the two of them. He’d known Koga for years, more years than he cared to count, and he’d seen him in all kinds of moods. But this? The way Koga leaned toward her as though pulled by some invisible force, the grin that seemed plastered permanently across his face? This was new.

Rei knew Koga liked Narukami, but knowing something and seeing it were two very different things.

“Oi, Naru,” Koga said, snorting as he slung his arm over her shoulder. “Careful with that sharp tongue, or you’ll end up regrettin’ it.”

“Oh, I’m terrified .” she deadpanned, though the way she leaned into him told a different story.

Rei couldn’t help the small smile that tugged at his lips. It was strange, seeing Koga like this, so open, so… soft, in his own rough-edged way. It was nice, though. Comforting, even.

But the atmosphere in the room wasn’t entirely in sync with Rei’s thoughts.

Across the way, Wataru, Shu, Natsume, Tsumugi, and Mika were all staring, wide-eyed and slack-jawed. Wataru’s fingers were frozen mid-air, as if he’d been gesturing before the display of affection stunned him into stillness. Natsume’s mouth twitched, somewhere between amusement and bewilderment, while Tsumugi looked like he wasn’t sure whether to laugh or intervene.

Mika, still standing near Shu, gave a low whistle. “Naru, why didn’t ya tell me anythin’?”

Narukami turned to her friend, looking a bit confused, as if she had no idea what he was referring to. “About what?” 

Mika opened his mouth to say something, but seemed to change his mind before the words could come out. “Ah, y’know what? Nothin’, don’t worry.” 

But it was Shu’s reaction that drew Rei’s attention most. Shu’s expression wasn’t just surprised, it was downright shocked . His eyes were wide, his lips parted as if he’d just been hit with some earth-shattering revelation.

Rei blinked. Shu had been the one to tell them that Narukami liked Koga in the first place. Why did he look like someone had just dropped a bombshell in the middle of the room?

“Shu?” Rei murmured, his voice low enough that only Shu could hear. “You okay?”

Shu didn’t respond right away. Instead, he kept staring at the duo by the door, who were now laughing so hard they were practically doubled over.

“Hm? Yes, I’m fine.” Shu said eventually, though his tone was oddly stiff.

Rei’s attention flickered to Mika just as the younger man turned to Shu, greeting him with a quick kiss. It wasn’t much, just a brief press of lips, but it was enough to send a sharp pang through Rei’s chest. He glanced away immediately, focusing his gaze back on Koga and Narukami.

Better to think about someone else’s romantic entanglements than his own.

“Shu looks like he’s seen a ghost.” Natsume muttered beside Rei, his lips curling into a smirk.

“Mh.” Rei replied noncommittally, though he couldn’t help but wonder what exactly had caught Shu so off guard. Was it the affection? The laughter? The fact that Koga actually liked her back? 

Whatever it was, it was enough to leave Shu looking entirely out of sorts.

Meanwhile, Koga and Narukami seemed blissfully unaware of the commotion their dynamic had caused. Koga gave Narukami a light shove, grinning as she stumbled theatrically.

“You’re so dramatic.” he teased, his voice warm.

“Better than being as grumpy as you.” Narukami shot back, her grin never faltering.

Rei chuckled softly under his breath. Whatever was going on with everyone else, it was nice to see Koga happy. He only hoped it would last.

The room fell into a comfortable buzz of conversation after the initial shock of Koga and Narukami’s playful teasing subsided. People slowly began to relax, settling into familiar rhythms of conversation, sharing jokes, or catching up with each other. Rei, feeling a little bit more at ease, joined in the banter, though his mind was still drifting between the people in the room, observing them with an occasional sigh.

Shu, for his part, had finally managed to shake off the surprise. His usual cool demeanor was back in place, and he was chatting with Wataru about the upcoming performance at the theater. The conversation was light, even easy, and Rei felt a faint flicker of relief that at least Shu seemed like himself again.

But just as Rei was starting to get more comfortable, one of the thousands of doors in Shu’s hallway opened, drawing everyone’s attention. An elderly man with neatly combed gray hair and sharp eyes appeared, his presence filling the room with a quiet authority. Rei forgot how much he missed his home.

“Ah, everyone’s here, how nice.” Shu’s grandfather said with a smile, stepping further into the room and offering a polite bow to the group. “Sadly, I can’t entertain myself with you guys, I have an event that attends me.” He chuckled softly, the sound ever so familiar to Rei’s ears. “Which is formal speech for useless boring adult things.” His gaze quickly landed on Rei, and the soft smile on his face grew warmer.

“Rei.” he said, his voice unexpectedly affectionate. Rei thought he didn’t miss this. After spending some time apart, Rei’s memories about his permanence in Shu’s house stopped feeling warm and started to feel uncomfortable, like he was intruding in someone else’s life.

He convinced himself Shu’s grandfather didn’t like him, that he was just being kind for his grandson, but seeing the man again made all those thoughts feel wrong and out of place now. 

“It’s been too long.” Without waiting for a response, the older man crossed the room in a few brisk steps, and before Rei could even brace himself, Shu’s grandfather had pulled him into a hug, patting his back in a way that felt more familial than anything else.

Rei froze, his face flushing in embarrassment. His mind immediately rushed back to a time when things had been different between him and Shu, a time when this embrace might have been something completely natural, even comforting. He hugged the man back because he missed it, he missed being cared about, and just for a second, the sheer awkwardness of the situation didn’t strike him. 

Shu's grandfather pulled back, his hands lingering briefly on Rei’s shoulders before he looked down at him with a warm, yet somewhat melancholic, smile. “I’ve missed having you around. You should visit more often. You know you’re family, I’ve told you in the past.”

Rei’s heart hammered in his chest, and he found himself blinking rapidly, unsure of how to respond. His thoughts spun in a dizzying swirl of memories, of times when things had been simpler, when all he cared about was being as close to Shu as he could.

The silence that followed felt heavy. Everyone else in the room was standing very still, all eyes subtly shifting between Rei and Shu, their shared history clearly unknown to the rest of the group. 

They were probably wondering what the hell had just happened; why did Shu’s grandfather seem to know Rei so well, why did he refer to him as family, what did he mean with having him around, and most of all- why did he completely ignore Mika? 

You’d expect someone to act so friendly with the boyfriend of a family member, not a random friend, right? 

Rei could feel everyone’s eyes on him. 

Mika’s sharp gaze flicked back and forth between him and Shu, a glimmer of suspicion in his eyes.

Rei swallowed, trying to regain some composure, and finally managed to mumble something that sounded like, “It’s good to see you, too.”

Shu was visibly uncomfortable, his expression unreadable, but there was an edge to his posture that Rei couldn’t quite place. He seemed like he was somewhere far away, lost in his own thoughts.

The awkward tension hung in the air for a few seconds, but thankfully, Natsume broke the silence. “Well, if you’re not going to stay for long, we’ll just have to get this party started without you, huh?” he said, giving a wink and a thumbs up to Shu’s grandfather, who simply chuckled in response.

“I suppose you’re right.” The elderly man said with a soft chuckle, as he ruffled Rei’s hair. “I’ll leave you all to it then. See you tomorrow, please don’t scare the cat.” And with a last glance at Rei, he turned and left, the door clicking shut behind him.

The group exhaled collectively, as though a heavy weight had been lifted from the room. Everyone seemed eager to move on, but Rei couldn’t help but feel that strange, lingering tension between him and Shu. He quickly turned his attention elsewhere, trying to ignore the subtle prickle of discomfort at the back of his mind.

“Well, now that we're alone…” Wataru looked around and grabbed a bottle of wine from the table. “It’s Christmas! Let’s celebrate!”

Rei nodded, though he wasn’t sure he could truly relax. He accepted the glass that Wataru handed him, his fingers brushing the cool surface of the glass for a second too long. They all gathered around the table, shifting back into the rhythm of the night, talking, laughing, and sipping drinks as the familiar Christmas music played in the background.

But despite the lighthearted atmosphere, Rei’s mind kept wandering. He couldn’t shake the feeling that Shu was uncomfortable, that his exchange with his grandfather bothered him. It made sense, really; if he never told anything about their part to Mika then there was the possibility he could get suspicious from that, and there wasn’t a good way to explain to you boyfriend that your best friend is also kind of your ex. 

Well, ex implies that Shu saw him as his boyfriend at some point, and he didn’t, he made that very clear. 

It wasn’t until the doorbell rang again that Rei’s thoughts were interrupted, this time by Wataru’s loud exclamation. “Oh, that must be Eichi!”

The door swung open, and in stepped Eichi, his usual calm smile plastered on his face. He exchanged greetings with the group, and as he did, Wataru’s eyes seemed to glaze over. Rei’s gaze flicked to his friend, and for a brief second, he saw the unmistakable look of adoration on Wataru’s face, his cheeks tinted slightly pink.

Rei couldn’t help but snicker quietly to himself. Wataru’s infatuation with Eichi was not something he kept secret, but seeing it on full display like this was a little amusing. Wataru’s voice had taken on a dreamy edge as he offered his boyfriend a drink, and Rei caught the way his eyes lingered a moment too long on the other man.

It was nice to see his two best friends so happy with someone. He couldn’t even bring himself to be jealous. 

Rei watched them interact with an unreadable expression, his gaze flicking from Wataru to Natsume, whose posture had stiffened just a little, his shoulders tight. There was something in the way Natsume was standing, his hands still at his sides, as if he were preparing for something. What exactly, Rei wasn’t sure, but the slight shift in Natsume’s demeanor was enough to make Rei pay attention.

Tsumugi stepped forward, and Rei puffed his chest out unconsciously, almost as if he was ready to jump at someone in case things went bad. He wasn’t even sure if he could physically fight someone, he probably didn’t have the physique. Surprisingly, Tsumugi’s voice warm as he greeted Eichi. “Good evening, Eichi. It’s nice to see you again.” He gave a polite smile, and as always, his tone carried that soothing, almost gentle quality.

Rei felt a brief flicker of relief. Tsumugi wasn’t giving anything away. He was just being himself, composed and friendly. But, as his eyes lingered on Natsume for a moment, Rei couldn’t ignore the tension there.

Natsume’s gaze was fixed on Eichi, his usual easygoing charm replaced with something a bit sharper, something that Rei had come to recognize all too well: guardedness . He took that from Shu. Rei was jealous of him. He wasn’t wary of anything, he let things happen to him, like he was a piece of plastic being tossed around by the flowing of the sea.

But what shocked Rei most of all was the fact that, despite the tension in Natsume’s stance, the atmosphere remained normal. No one seemed poised to explode. No one was glaring. It was almost as if there was nothing unusual at all. Eichi and Natsume shared a brief look, a silent understanding, perhaps, and then they both returned to their usual friendly façades.

Eichi smiled politely at Tsumugi and nodded. “Thank you. It's been a while. I'm glad to be here.” He said smoothly, his voice warm but measured. There was no trace of the world-ending conflict Natsume had warned about. No pointed comments. No cold silences.

Rei couldn’t help but feel a little stunned. From everything Natsume had described, he’d expected at least some kind of sharp words, or maybe a passive-aggressive comment here and there. But none of that came. Eichi was being, well, civil- more than that, he was acting like he belonged there. Like this was just another group of friends he was casually joining.

This was both a relief and a little unsettling.

Natsume let out a slow breath, his shoulders relaxing, though his expression remained carefully neutral. He glanced at Rei, as if gauging his reaction, and Rei couldn’t help but raise an eyebrow in mild surprise.

"Everything’s fine.” Rei murmured to himself, though his tone carried the tiniest trace of disbelief. This was a stark contrast to the way things had been painted for him.

He was dragged back into conversation by Koga, who was very immersed on a debate about fluor or something with Narukami and he absolutely needed Rei’s aid, and even if he was more interested in witnessing that absurd situation between Tsumugi and Eichi, he got immersed in Koga’s discussion. 

He understood why Koga liked Narukami. She seemed very, very smart, though she did creep Rei out a bit. She was very observant. Rei felt her gaze on him when she arrived and it has followed him since. It wasn’t malicious, she had been very polite, but it felt like she was waiting for something to happen. 

Like she was waiting for him to slip. 

He didn’t like it, and he felt bad about it because she was the girl Koga liked! He wanted to make an effort to look good in her eyes, but she just stared at him like he was a science experiment. 

He also couldn’t shake off the feeling she was bad news. She hadn't done anything wrong, but- 

but Shu freaked out in parking lot a few days earlier just because they met one of her friends, and Rei couldn’t help it, seeing Shu that distressed didn’t make it easy to trust that woman. He was protective of the people he loved, and she already reduced Shu to that state, so what if she hurt Koga too? 

He didn’t even know if she really did something or not, he was just assuming things. Suddenly, he felt guilty for having blamed Narukami for things she probably didn’t even do in his head. 

He shook his head and tried to focus on his friends. That wasn’t the time to overthink. 

The party went on smoothly, the lively chatter of the group mixing with the warm glow of Christmas lights scattered around the room. Everyone had a drink in hand; some cups filled with mulled wine, others with just a little too much of the good stuff. The atmosphere was light and fun, but Rei couldn’t shake the unease rolling in his stomach.

He glanced around the room, his eyes flicking to Shu and Mika, who were seated next to each other, completely at ease. The way Mika’s hand rested casually on Shu’s knee made Rei’s chest tighten. Every time Shu leaned closer to Mika to say something, Rei’s attention was drawn to it, almost as if he couldn’t look away. The way their fingers brushed, so effortless, so natural, it was enough to make Rei's throat go dry. And it wasn’t just the touches, it was the way they looked at each other. There was something between them that Rei couldn’t touch, couldn’t reach, and it felt like a line he couldn’t cross, no matter how badly he wanted to.

He tore his gaze away, but it wasn’t enough. Every time he turned his attention back to the group, his eyes inevitably returned to them. Mika’s laugh, soft and warm, seemed to echo in his ears as Shu playfully nudged him with his shoulder. Their eyes met again, and the world around Rei seemed to blur for a moment, everything except that little bubble of intimacy between them.

Was that how they looked like, back then? 

It wasn’t that Rei didn’t want Shu to be happy, of course. It wasn’t even that he didn’t understand why they were together. It all happened so fast- one day he was waking up with Shu between his arms, and the next he kicked him out of his house and showed up to school with another boy.

It didn’t make sense. Everything was great between them, or at least- before that incident it was, but Rei was willing to wait. Maybe Shu wasn’t. Maybe Shu realized there was nothing to be waiting for.

There was still that gnawing feeling in his chest, like he was being left behind, like he was an outsider in the very place he used to feel so at home. The soft brush of Shu’s hand against Mika’s wrist made Rei’s pulse spike for a moment, and he quickly looked away. He shifted uncomfortably in his seat, his fingers tightening around the rim of his glass.

“Rei, you good?” Koga’s voice broke through his spiraling thoughts.

Rei blinked, realizing he’d been staring into his drink for far too long. He gave a quick, forced smile. “Yeah. Yeah, just... thinking.”

“Thinking about how much better my cooking is then hers, huh?” Koga grinned, raising an eyebrow at him.

“You suck at baking, Koga.” Rei replied with a small chuckle, though it didn’t quite reach his eyes. He didn’t really care about the debate over the finer points of baking. He was far more concerned with the way his heart squeezed when he caught sight of Shu and Mika again. He had no business feeling like this. It wasn’t like he and Shu had ever been anything real .

It wasn’t like Shu had ever been his own. 

Not like he owned him, no, like he belonged with him. Rei’s place was right next to Shu, and it would always be there. Or maybe, it was never there, and he just tried to forcefully take somebody else’s place. He didn’t want to think about it, he didn’t even want to acknowledge his feelings.

But still, it hurt.

A sharp laugh cut through the tension in his chest as Wataru leaned in to add his own two cents to Koga’s conversation, clearly oblivious to the undercurrent of frustration that Rei was battling. “Oh come on, you can’t be serious about this stuff. My brain’s not built for science, it’s made for art.” he said, flapping his hands dramatically.

“Science?” Eichi looked at his boyfriend with an amused expression. “They’re talking about making cookies, not astrophysics.” 

“Chemistry is heavily involved in baking.” Narukami took a sip of her drink, something stronger than whatever Koga was drinking which Rei knew endlessly pissed him off, and grinned. “Must be why he’s terrible at it. His brain can’t handle such complicated things.” She gestured to Koga, who glared at her but still smiled. “You talk a lot. You seemed to like my help a few days ago, didn’t you?” 

“Maybe I’m just a really good actress.” She leaned closer and smirked at him.

Rei blinked, trying to ground himself back in the moment. His eyes flickered over to Shu again, whose smile was a little too warm, a little too full when he leaned in to whisper something in Mika’s ear. Mika grinned, a soft, affectionate expression, and lightly bumped his shoulder against Shu’s.

Rei’s stomach turned. His hand trembled around his glass. He had to look away, but it was like they were everywhere. Even when his eyes moved across the room, to the flashing lights on the Christmas tree, to the festive decorations, to the group laughing over some random joke, the image of them kept appearing in his mind. Shu, relaxed and content, his face so open, so at home with Mika.

Shu reached over and lightly brushed his fingers against Mika’s knee, his thumb tracing a lazy pattern on the fabric of Mika’s jeans. It was so easy, so casual, and it made Rei’s chest tighten once again. His heart was a little too loud in his ears as his gaze unwillingly shifted back to them.

He could feel the phantom feeling of those fingers on his leg. Shu always did the same thing to him. He wanted to cry.

Mika caught his eye for a brief second, and for a split second, there was a flash of something like understanding; Mika’s smile was warmer, softer, before he turned back to Shu, resuming their quiet exchange.

Rei’s throat tightened. He promised Wataru he’d behave. He had to distract himself. He quickly glanced at Koga, who was now shouting about some extreme chemical reaction, and tried to ground himself back in the conversation. He didn’t need to be thinking about this. About them.

Tsumugi, ever perceptive, gave him a knowing look. “You know, you’re not fooling anyone, right?”

Rei blinked, his heart jumping in his chest. “What?”

Tsumugi’s lips quirked into a small smile. “You’re looking at them like they personally wronged you. You really should let yourself enjoy the night, Rei. You deserve it too, you know.” Tsumugi glanced at the pair too, and something closer to a frown than a smile appeared on his face. 

“Relationships are… ah, complicated. Well, I’m sure you’re aware of that.” He chuckled and scratched his nape. “We expect them to be simple, though. We ask ourselves why not me? Or, what did I do wrong? way too easily, and don’t realize that most of the time there isn’t a real answer to those questions. Things like relationships happen because of feelings and feelings aren’t rational, and  you can’t expect relationships to be rational too. We get too lost in thinking they’re clean cut, that there is a- a good and a bad, when there really isn't. People love and people don’t, that’s the sad reality.” He glanced towards Natsume, happily laughing with Wataru, and light sparkled in his eyes. 

Tsumugi’s love for Natsume was never outspoken, but always obvious to everyone around them. “Best thing we can do is treasure the love we have and be thankful for the ones we lost, because at least, someone loved you, and I think that’s worthy to be thankful of.” He offered Rei what in any other moment probably would’ve been a condescending smile, but now, now it was like the hug he got from Shu’s grandfather. 

He didn’t expect it and it made him uncomfortable, but he needed it.

Rei froze, a flush creeping up his neck. At least, someone loved you.

“I’m fine, you really don’t need to worry so much.” he muttered, though it came out a little more defensively than he intended. “Ah, sorry. I’m just a bit tired.” 

Tsumugi just smiled and didn’t press further.

Rei looked back at Shu and Mika, who were laughing at something. The sound of their laughter was so familiar, so comfortable. And yet, it stung. He wished he could reach into the past, back to a time when the laughter hadn’t been between Mika and Shu, but just between him and Shu. He wished he could stop wanting it, but he couldn’t.

He needed to calm down. He needed to do something else, being jealous wouldn’t bring him anywhere, Tsumugi was right. 

He took a deep breath, trying to hold it together. The night was supposed to be about fun, about celebrating with friends. But it felt like the harder he tried to ignore his feelings, the more they pushed themselves to the forefront.

He wanted everything Mika had. He wanted to rip his hair out of his head and put it on his own. He wanted to strip him naked and wear his clothes, just for the small possibility of feeling Shu’s touch still engraved between the creases of his jeans. He wanted to gouge out his eyes and replace them with Mika's. He wanted to memorize the pattern of Mika’s veins just to slash his skin open to rearrange his own veins following Mika’s blueprint. 

He’d do anything to get Shu to look at him like he looked at Mika. 

He didn’t want to treasure nobody’s love, he didn’t care for it. He only wanted Shu to look at him like he looked at Mika one last time. 

But it probably would be counterproductive; Rei was greedy. He knew that once he got those eyes on him again, he wouldn’t be able to live without them.

He tried to concentrate on something else, desperately searching for something to look at other than the soft touches between the man he loved and someone that wasn’t him. Laughter filled the air, the sound of clinking glasses, the occasional outburst from one of his friends, which was quickly being drowned out by the other conversations. The Christmas tree in the corner twinkled with lights, casting a soft glow across the room, but Rei couldn’t bring himself to enjoy it. His gaze kept returning to Shu, who was still deep in conversation with Mika. Every soft laugh, every casual touch, made Rei feel like he was drowning in the unspoken distance between them.

He was so consumed by it- by the sharp ache in his chest- that he hardly noticed Tsumugi quietly stepping away to grab a drink from the kitchen. The glasses around the living room were filled with alcohol, and the thought of anything non-alcoholic, like water, felt like a distant luxury. Rei’s fingers tightened around his glass, his grip shaky as he tried to focus on the conversation happening around him.

“Oi, you sure you’re feelin’ okay?” Koga asked, his voice laced with an exaggerated seriousness as he continued his discussion with Narukami. 

"Yeah, I’m fine.” Rei replied, his voice strained. His eyes flicked once more to Shu, whose hand had subtly brushed against Mika’s again. It was a small touch, but to Rei, it was monumental. It cut through him like a knife, and he had to look away before his emotions betrayed him completely.

His hand was trembling, his thoughts scattered, and the room felt too hot. He took a deep breath, trying to calm the storm inside his chest.

Tsumugi wasn’t coming back. 

Tsumugi wasn’t coming back, and Rei only noticed because Eichi was also gone, and Natsume started to freak out. 

“Where’s Tsumugi?" Natsume’s voice broke through the haze of noise, and Rei was snapped out of his own thoughts.

“Eh? What do ya mean, where’s Tsumugi?” Mika asked, tilting his head, a little tipsy but still confused.

“He went to get water.” Wataru explained, shrugging a little. “Around... five minutes ago.” Wataru glanced at the big clock in the corner of the room. “Uh, maybe he couldn’t find it?”

“He couldn’t open the fridge and get a bottle?” Natsume gritted his teeth, and his eyes flickered with something else, something darker. “He’s been gone for too long.” he muttered under his breath, his eyes scanning the room. “What- where is he?” He looked at Wataru, clearly hinting about Eichi’s absence. 

Rei felt terrible. Natsume asked him to keep an eye on the situation and he let himself get distracted. He needed to stop being so self-loathing and act like a respectable friend now. No more spiraling. He could be useful, he could help out.

“What are you talking about?” Koga asked, looking up at Natsume  with a confused expression. “Tsumugi just stepped out for a drink. Eichi’s probably just takin’ a piss or something. It’s not like it’s a big deal.”

But Natsume was visibly panicking now, his eyes wide. His breath quickened as he stood up, his voice sharp. “No, this isn’t right. They’ve been gone too long. Something’s wrong.”

Rei’s heart skipped a beat. He could see the distress in Natsume’s face. Something about the way he was acting- it was too much. Wataru was starting to look at him weird, someone needed to step up and take the situation under control. Rei opened his mouth, but someone interrupted him.

“Calm down.” Shu said softly, standing up slowly. His voice was steady, trying to soothe Natsume’s rising panic. He sounded so sure of himself, of what he was saying, like he could assess the situation with ease. He carried himself with such confidence that Rei couldn’t help but be in awe. His hand settled on Natsume’s shoulder, which was noticeably uncharacteristic for Shu- he didn’t touch people, not even his friends. To Rei, that meant that he was also worried, even if he appeared so composed. “We’ll go look for them. Nothing's happened. Tenshouin is in the bathroom and Tsumugi is in the kitchen, they are in two different places.”

Natsume’s breath started to even out to Shu’s words, but Rei wasn’t looking at them. No, he was looking at all of their friends surrounding them, friends that didn’t get why Natsume was reacting like that, friends that probably felt confused and uncomfortable. 

And Wataru, who’s face told Rei absolutely nothing. His eyes were two slits and he was staring at nothing in particular. He must’ve been feeling so lost; Natsume, one of his best friends ever, was publicly freaking out because of the possibility of their boyfriends being in the same room together, like Tsumugi was something to protect, like Eichi was some kind of freak, 

In Wataru’s eyes, Eichi probably had been nothing but kind to them and now his friends were treating the person he loved like a monster.

But Rei was just assuming things, because Wataru said nothing. 

Mika stood up too, his brows furrowed. “Aren’t y’all makin’ too big of a deal out of this? Maybe they’re talkin’ or something.”

Natsume was pacing now, his hands running through his hair. His voice was frantic as he turned to Rei and Shu. “Please- will you go look for them? If they’re talking- oh, I promised I  wouldn’t-”

Rei felt the weight of Natsume’s fear, the genuine concern in his voice, and for the first time in the entire night, his jealousy, his ache for Shu, faded into the background. This wasn’t about him. This was about their friends, their safety. 

“We’re going to find them, mh? Sit down, it’s okay.” Rei said quickly, his voice far more steady than he felt. He looked to Shu, and for a moment, they exchanged a glance. Rei’s stomach churned. He couldn’t help but feel a strange sense of urgency.  They exchanged a nod. “We’ve got this.” Rei ruffled Natsume’s hair, and felt strangely recharged. He could help, he had something to do, to prove himself that he was good, he could do good. 

He didn’t care about his jealousy anymore. All he wanted to do was make Natsume proud. 

Shu gave a small, reassuring smile, though his eyes were shadowed with concern. “We’ll find them. Don’t worry.” He brushed his fingers through Natsume’s hair. Rei’s heart was swollen with affection.

Natsume’s breath hitched in relief. “Thank you.” he murmured, his voice quieter now. 

Rei and Shu walked in silence through the dimly lit hallway leading to the kitchen, the muffled sounds of the fireplace and music fading as they distanced themselves from the party. Rei could feel his own nervous energy ebbing, replaced by a calm determination. Shu’s steady presence beside him helped; his quiet confidence had a way of grounding Rei, even when his mind was still a swirl of emotions.

“So,” Shu said softly, breaking the silence, his voice even. “You’ve gotten closer with Natsume, haven’t you?”

Rei glanced at Shu, caught slightly off guard. “I suppose so.” he replied, his voice subdued. “He’s... an honest kid. I’ve always cared about him.”

Shu nodded, his gaze focused ahead. “He seems to trust you a great deal. That’s not something he does lightly.”

Rei was so fucking confused. They were both Natsume’s best friends. They had been since high school. Why was Shu talking like they just met? He walked with resolve, as he always did, but his shoulders were a bit tense, his face a bit too rigid. Was Shu nervous to be alone with him? 

Was he making small talk to fill the silence? The idea of Shu of all people being nervous made him suppress a chuckle. “I try to look out for him.” Rei said, like it was news for Shu, like he wasn’t the one that made Shu approach Natsume in the first place to look out for him. 

They fell into another moment of silence before Shu added, almost casually, “Just like you did with me.”

Rei froze mid-step, his breath catching for a moment. He glanced at Shu, whose expression was neutral but whose words carried a weight that lingered.

“I…” Rei hesitated, unsure of how to respond. “I still care. ”

“Good.” Shu’s expression was unreadable, but somehow, it was reassuring. “I know you do.” 

It was enough to settle something inside Rei. Maybe Shu wasn’t his anymore, not in the way he wanted, but maybe that didn’t have to mean losing him entirely. The knot in Rei’s chest began to loosen. He could share this night with Shu, even as friends. It wasn’t the perfect outcome, but it was something. And right now, that was enough.

When they reached the kitchen, Rei’s hand paused on the doorframe. From inside, muffled voices filtered out, low and shaky. Rei and Shu exchanged a glance before stepping inside.

Eichi and Tsumugi stood in the center of the room, caught in a moment so fragile it felt like it might shatter. The kitchen’s dim light cast long shadows, softening the edges of their figures.

Tsumugi’s hands rested on Eichi’s shoulders, his fingers twitching slightly, as though he wasn’t sure whether to pull him closer or let him go. Eichi leaned forward, his forehead pressed against Tsumugi’s chest, and his uneven breaths were loud enough to fill the silence.

For a second, neither of them moved. The weight of the moment hung in the air, heavy and palpable.

Rei felt like he was looking at something he shouldn’t.

He blinked in confusion, his thoughts scrambling to make sense of the scene. “What the…?” he started softly, but before he could take another step, Natsume burst into the kitchen, his voice sharp with worry.

“What the hell did you do?” Natsume demanded, storming past Rei and Shu to stand between Eichi and Tsumugi. His tone was accusatory, but his face was riddled with panic as his gaze darted between them.

Eichi slowly pulled back, his eyes red-rimmed and glassy as he tried to steady his breathing. “Nothing.” he said hoarsely. “Nothing bad, I swear.”

“Nothing bad?” Natsume snapped. “You’re both crying ! What’s going on?”

“Natsume.” The calmness in Wataru’s voice cut through the chaos like a knife, quieting the room. His movements were slow and deliberate as he approached, his hand resting gently on Natsume’s shoulder.

Natsume flinched under the touch, still bristling. “But they-”

“Be kind.” Wataru interrupted, his tone firm but warm. His eyes flicked briefly to Eichi and Tsumugi, who stood frozen in place, their emotions still raw. “Whatever happened here wasn’t cruel. It takes strength to face difficult things, and I trust them to handle it.”

Natsume’s shoulders stiffened, but the sharpness in his eyes dulled. His gaze lingered on Tsumugi’s trembling hands, and the fight seemed to drain from him.

“What are you-” Natsume began, his voice faltering.

Wataru turned his gaze to Eichi and Tsumugi, his expression warm, proud. “I’m proud of both of you.” he said simply. “Of your maturity. You’ve been handling the situation very well.”

Tsumugi gave a watery smile, one hand wiping at his cheeks as he steadied himself. “We’re okay.” he reassured the room. “Eichi and I... we were just talking, that’s all. Clearing the air about some things.”

Eichi nodded faintly, his voice regaining some steadiness. “And we’re okay now. Better, actually.”

“I’m glad.” Wataru leaned forward to leave a kiss on his boyfriend’s temple, and wiped a stray tear out of his face. “I know this wasn’t easy. Thank you for making an effort for me.” 

Rei wasn’t sure of anything at that point, and it didn’t seem like anybody was either. Koga, who was staring at them leaning on the doorframe with Narukami next to him, took the word. “What the actual fuck is going on?”

Wataru smiled at him, serene as ever. “Oh, nothing bad.” He gestured with his hands. “You see, my beloved and Mugi happen to have a past together, and some old wounds may still ache from time to time, but everything’s fine, they’re both adults that can handle the situation.” 

The silence in the kitchen was thick, as if everyone had collectively stopped breathing. Wataru’s calm explanation hung in the air like a bombshell that hadn’t quite gone off yet.

“What the fuck?” Natsume said, breaking the silence, his voice sharp and unsteady. His eyes darted between Wataru, Eichi, and Tsumugi, his expression a mixture of astonishment and disbelief. “You knew? All this time, you knew they were together?”

Wataru tilted his head, his serene smile unshaken by Natsume’s reaction. “But of course, dear Natsume. Did you think Eichi would hide such an important part of his past from me? When we decided to be together, we spoke openly about everything, including his history with Tsumugi.”

Natsume’s mouth opened and closed a few times, as if he were trying to form words but failing. Finally, he managed, “Then- then why are you so normal about this?”

The corner of Wataru’s lips twitched upward, his smile softening into something warmer, more understanding. “Because,” he said gently, “relationships aren’t simple, clean-cut things, no matter how much we wish they were. They’re messy and complicated, full of feelings that don’t always make sense. But that doesn’t make them bad.”

Natsume stared at him, completely dumbfounded.

“I love Eichi.” Wataru continued, his voice calm but resolute. “He loves me, and I know that his feelings for Tsumugi are in the past. Tsumugi is my friend, someone I care for deeply, and I trust him. I trust both of them. Why should I deprive myself of their presence in my life because of something that no longer holds power over them?”

Rei, leaning against the doorframe, exchanged a wide-eyed glance with Shu, who looked equally stunned but, as usual, more composed.

“And you’re just okay with that?” Natsume asked, his voice trembling with emotion. “You’re fine with them being around each other? Despite everything?”

“Yes.” Wataru’s response was immediate and unwavering. “Because I know where Eichi’s heart lies, just as I know where Tsumugi’s does.” He looked pointedly at Tsumugi, his gaze full of affection. “Tsumugi loves you, Natsume.”

Tsumugi stepped forward then, his face still puffy from tears but resolute. “It’s true.” he said, his voice gentle but firm. “I know… I know the idea of me and Eichi being, ah, anything but strangers is hard for you. And it’s okay to feel that way. But I promise you, I can handle this now. I’m fine, really. I don’t want to lose either of you.”

Natsume’s eyes flickered between Tsumugi and Eichi, who was standing quietly to the side, looking at the floor. Slowly, Natsume’s shoulders relaxed, though his expression was still troubled. “And you’re truly okay with this?” he asked Tsumugi, his voice quieter now, almost hesitant.

Tsumugi smiled faintly, taking Natsume’s hand in his. “I am. I like having Eichi around as a friend, even if things ended badly between us. It feels... good, like we’re healing. Together.”

Wataru nodded approvingly, placing a hand on Eichi’s shoulder. “This is what growth looks like. It’s not perfect, but it’s beautiful in its own way.”

Rei and Shu made a point to look at everything but each other. Rei couldn’t believe Tsumugi was being more mature than him. 

Koga, who had been watching the exchange with wide eyes, finally broke the tension with a snort. “I need a smoke.”

Narukami elbowed him, but even he couldn’t hide the faint smirk tugging at his lips. “Smoking is bad, Ogami. But- I feel like getting some air too.”

Eichi let out a soft laugh as the two left, making their way to Shu’s garden. “I think that’s a fair request.”

The room relaxed bit by bit, the tension slowly draining away as the group began to shuffle back towards the living room. But Natsume lingered for a moment, his hand still in Tsumugi’s.

“Hey.” he said softly, his voice almost shy. “I’m... I’m sorry. For overreacting. I just-”

“I know.” Tsumugi interrupted, squeezing his hand. “I know, Natsume. And it’s okay. Really. I love you.”

Natsume pouted, and shoved him aside to leave the kitchen. “Whatever, stupid mophead.” 

Before Rei could make it to the living room, Wataru tugged at his sleeve. “Can we talk?”
Rei studied his friend’s face; he didn’t look mad about what happened, not even sad, but there was something off about him, something he managed to conceal in the kitchen in front of all the others, but that now he was letting slip out. 

Rei nodded. “Yeah, sure. What’s the matter?”
“No, I mean-” Wataru looked around the hallway, to the now almost empty kitchen to the living room booming with laughs. “Alone.”

“Alone?” What could Wataru possibly want to discuss with him alone? Didn’t they already have time to talk about whatever troubled him earlier that day? Was something wrong now? 

“Yeah.” Rei really didn’t like how Wataru’s voice sounded. “Alone.”

Rei followed Wataru down the hallway, his curiosity growing with each step. Wataru’s usual lively demeanor had shifted; his movements lacked their usual dramatic flourish, and the silence between them was heavy in a way that felt uncharacteristic. Rei couldn't help but feel a pang of worry gnawing at him.

Maybe what happened upset him. It made sense. But- why would he want to talk about that to him? Rei had nothing to do with the situation. Sure, he tried to help Natsume but that was just because he was his friend and he needed his help, not because he had something personal against Eichi. 

By that logic, Wataru should’ve approached Shu too. Shu was into whatever this was as much as Rei, but Wataru only went to him. 

When they reached one of the quieter rooms, Shu’s grandfather’s study, judging by the furniture, Wataru finally turned to face Rei, closing the door softly behind them. The muffled sounds of laughter from the living room faded, leaving the two of them enveloped in a tense quiet.

Rei tilted his head, trying to catch Wataru’s eyes, but his friend’s gaze was fixed somewhere near the floor. “So, what did you want to talk about?” Rei asked, his tone light but edged with concern. “You’re starting to make me nervous.”

Wataru let out a soft laugh, though it lacked its usual mirth. “Ah, my dear Rei, I didn’t mean to alarm you. I just… I wanted to talk.” His voice, though steady, carried an undercurrent of vulnerability that made Rei’s chest tighten.

“Okay.” Rei said gently, taking a step closer. “I’m here. Let’s talk.”

Wataru hesitated, running a hand through his hair, a rare gesture of uncertainty. When he finally met Rei’s eyes, his expression was uncharacteristically open, his mask of perpetual cheer nowhere to be found. “Do you ever feel like…” He paused, as though searching for the right words. “Everything kind of fell apart after you and Shu broke up? ”

The question hit Rei like a cold wind, cutting straight through his defenses. He opened his mouth to respond, but Wataru continued before he could.

“I miss it, Rei. I miss us- all of us, the way we used to be.” Wataru’s voice cracked slightly, and he shook his head as if frustrated with himself. “It’s so incredibly stupid, because rationally speaking, I know what I’m saying it’s selfish, that wanting you two to interact would only bring pain, but-” he sat on the desk in the middle of the room, mindlessly pulling at his hair as he tried to find the right words to express himself. It was not only an unusual sight, but also a  heart-wrenching one. Wataru was Rei’s pillar. He always knew what to say, he always had a positive outlook on things, he was like he shone light on the right path for Rei to take. 

And now he was on the verge of tears because he felt alone. 

Rei was never going to forgive himself. 

“-but I can’t stop thinking about it. About all the afternoons we spent in the drama club together, about all those times you two almost killed each other to sleep in my guest room, about all the rehearsals you attended just to see us, even if you fell asleep after barely half an hour. I don’t know- It’s not like I’m not happy now, I am, but it’s not the same.” Wataru smiled, small and melancholic, and even Rei could taste the bitterness in his mouth. 

“I feel like I’m on this wonderful vacation,” Wataru said softly, his voice steady but tinged with sadness. “I’m surrounded by beauty and excitement, I’ve found love, and there’s so much to be grateful for. But it doesn’t feel… complete. It doesn’t feel like home.”

He paused, glancing down at his hands, as if searching for the right words. “Home was the drama club, and Shu’s matches, and the sleepovers, and all the times I pretended to not notice when you slept in the same bed with one pillow because you thought that putting the other on the floor was enough to make me believe one of you slept on the ground.”

Wataru didn’t look up yet, but Rei noticed his eyes were glassy with unshed tears. “And the worst part is, I’m starting to realize there’s no coming back. There’s no one waiting for me at home.” 

He looked at Rei straight in the eyes, and Rei could feel those eyes penetrating him, stabbing him without much care for his pain. He wondered if Wataru could see his tears, too. “I want to go home, Rei. I want to go to the drama club at lunch time.” 

Rei stared at him, a lump forming in his throat. The words hit a nerve he hadn’t even realized was raw. “Wataru, I…” He trailed off, unsure of what to say. Everything Wataru said was true; things changed irreversibly. 

“I feel like I don’t fit anymore.” Wataru admitted, his voice barely above a whisper now. “What happened today with Natsume was proof of that. He was convinced of things that weren’t true in the end just because we don’t talk anymore- well, we do, but we don’t communicate. You think I don’t notice you sneaking around?”

Rei was taken off guard. “We don’t- Well-” 

“Rei, I’m not stupid.” Wataru interrupted him. “I have eyes. This could have been easily avoided if Natsume just talked to me. If you, talked to me. But you didn’t. Ever since all that happened with Shu it’s like something broke between all of us, not just you two. And I get that there’s nothing I can do about this, he broke your heart and you’re entitled to not want things to go back as they were, but I still feel bad. I feel like I’m losing all the people I care about.” His voice was brittle, and the contrast between it and the distant laughs from the living room was jarring. 

Rei wanted to hug Wataru, but the weight of his guilt held him back. Did he even have the right to comfort someone he’d let down so deeply? Was he worthy of doing it? 

“That’s not true.” Rei said quickly, stepping closer until there was barely any space between them. “You’re not the only one who cares, Wataru. We all care. It’s just…” He sighed, running a hand through his hair. “Things change. People change. I- We have all changed, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t want to be with you guys anymore.” Rei placed his hand on Wataru’s arm, rubbing his thumb over the fabric of his sweater. “I can be around Shu.” He said, unsure if he believed it or not. “I can do it if it means relieving tension between all of us.”

“I’m so sorry that we made you feel like this.” Rei’s voice was cracking too, but he was trying so hard to hold it together. He wanted to look confident in front of Wataru, he needed to make him believe what he said. “You aren’t selfish, Wataru. You’re brave.”

Wataru smiled faintly at that, though his eyes remained somber. “Brave, huh? I don’t feel very brave. I feel… lonely.”

Rei couldn’t take it anymore. 

He watched Wataru pull at his hair, his figure slouched and small in a way that felt so alien to him. Wataru was never small, he was never insecure. He had been a constant source of strength and cheer no matter how bad things got. Seeing him like this, vulnerable and breaking, made something in Rei crack wide open.

For a moment, he hesitated. The idea of pulling him between his arms still made him feel unworthy,  he didn’t deserve to comfort him after the distance he’d let grow between them. But then he saw Wataru’s trembling hands, and his instincts took over. Without thinking any further, Rei closed the gap between them, wrapping his arms tightly around his friend.

Wataru stiffened at first, but then he melted into the embrace, his hands clutching at Rei’s back like he was anchoring himself. The tension between them seemed to evaporate, leaving only the quiet, unspoken understanding that they were both hurting, but they weren’t alone.

 “I’m so sorry. I promise I’ll try to make things better, mh? Put all of this behind us. I’ll manage around Shu and it’ll be like it was before.” 

Wataru didn’t say anything, and it was probably better. Rei knew he was lying, and Wataru never bought on his lies, but they were easier to believe this time. That small, distant glimmer of hope, that one day they might sit together on that itchy purple carpet again, was enough to make the cold winter night feel just a little warmer.

Outside, the air was sharp with the bite of winter, crisp and clear in a way that made Koga’s breath cloud faintly in front of him. He stepped out into Shu’s garden, the distant hum of the party muffled by the heavy door swinging shut behind him. The quiet was immediate and almost overwhelming after the whirlwind of tension inside. He shoved his hands into the pockets of his coat, the chill biting through the fabric of his sweater.

“Didn’t take you for a smoker.” Narukami’s voice called out from behind him.

Koga turned slightly, raising a brow as she stepped outside, closing the door with a deliberate slowness that spoke to her need to escape just as much as his. “I’m not.” he replied shortly. “Just needed an excuse to get outta there.”

Narukami arched an eyebrow as she moved closer, crossing her arms against the cold. “Really? What was it, the strangers crying or the strangers screaming?”

Koga smirked faintly, his breath fogging as he exhaled. “A little of both. But mostly? Just felt… outta place.”

She nodded, leaning back against the railing of the porch. “Yeah. I get that. Same.”

They stood in silence for a moment, the only sound the faint rustle of branches in the wind. The lights from inside cast a soft glow that barely reached the garden, leaving the space bathed in shadows and moonlight.

“I don’t know most of these people all that well.” Koga admitted finally, the words coming out uncharacteristically hesitant. “Rei’s my best friend, yeah, but the rest of ’em? Not so much. Didn’t wanna butt into all that stuff in there. Felt personal, y’know?”

Narukami tilted her head, considering him. “Then why’d you come?”

Koga shifted uncomfortably, his gaze dropping to the frost-dusted ground. “Had to leave for somethin’ soon anyway. I.. didn’t want my parents asking where the fuck I was going on Christmas’ eve at like, ten pm, so I just thought I’d come here, make sure Rei was fine and leave.”

“A ‘thing’?” she pressed, her tone teasing but curious.

Koga sighed, rubbing the back of his neck. “ Mass . At the church.”

Narukami blinked in surprise. “You? Going to church ? That’s not the vibe I got from you.”

“Yeah, well.” Koga muttered, kicking at a patch of ice. “It ain’t for me. Got this friend, who’s like, super religious. He’s been going to church every single fucking year on Christmas and he’s always alone, but-” Koga sucked a breath and looked at the lights from the house in front of them. “He’s… He’s been through a lot this year. Lost someone real important to him. Didn’t want him to be alone on Christmas. Even if I don’t care about Jesus Christ or shit like that, I guess it won’t hurt to zone out for two hours or something if I can keep him company.”

Narukami’s teasing demeanor softened, her expression shifting to something more thoughtful. “That’s… really sweet of you.”

“Don’t make it a big deal.” Koga grumbled, his cheeks flushing slightly as he looked away. He swore it was because of the cold. “It’s just the right thing to do. He’s a good guy. Deserves some support.”

Narukami nodded, her gaze lingering on Koga’s face for a moment before she looked out at the darkened garden. “I don’t know anyone here.” she admitted quietly. “Besides Mika, you’re the person I’ve talked to the most and we’ve met what, three times? Four?” She giggled nervously, and Koga nudged her shoulder. “C’mon, I ain’t that bad.” 

“Even if you’re absolutely terrific,” she teased, “I feel out of place. I feel like I’m intruding in something private. I don’t know any of these people. I mean, I know Shu, but I’d rather I didn’t.” A look of disdain appeared on her face, and Koga curiosity perked up. “Then- why are you here? I mean-!” He pulled his hands out of his pockets and gesticulated. “It’s not like I have something against it, but why did you come here if you knew you weren’t going to enjoy yourself?” 

Naru sighed, and toyed with one of the buttons of her coat. “I probably shouldn’t tell you this.” She looked up at him, cheeks slightly pink from the drinks she had and the cold, lips slightly parted and hair messed up by the wind. She was so pretty. Koga was going to combust. “But I can’t bring myself to care right now. I’m here to observe Shu.”

Koga’s brow furrowed. “Shu? Why?”

She hesitated, her fingers tightening around the fabric of her coat. “Because of Mika. He’s my best friend, and Shu’s his boyfriend, but I’ve always had this… feeling . Like there’s something Shu doesn’t tell him, like at some point he’s going to really hurt him. I don’t want Mika to get hurt.”

She glared at nothing in particular. “And then- at the funeral I got the confirmation that something was actually wrong, that it wasn’t just my imagination.” Koga felt a weird lump starting to form in his throat. It couldn’t be- could it? “I think Shu was with Rei at some point in the past. I mean, it’s obvious. Have you seen how his grandfather greeted Rei? That’s not how you greet a friend.” 

This was bad. It was horrendously bad. 

“And- while I think that it’s terrible even if it was just that, because I believe you should tell your boyfriend if you dated your best friend, I don’t think that’s the whole story. I think there’s still something between them, I can see it in the way they act around each other. I just need to catch them.” 

Koga’s chest tightened, his thoughts suddenly a jumble of conflict and guilt. He knew exactly what she was talking about; he knew there was a history between Rei and Shu, he knew that Rei still thought about him, that he still hadn’t moved on, but it wasn’t his story to tell. Still, the idea of keeping it from Narukami made his stomach twist. What if she found out he knew? Would she get angry at him? But- Rei was his best friend. He came first. 

“So you’re here to... spy on him?” he asked, his voice careful.

“Not spy. ” she corrected, her tone defensive. “Just… observe. See if there’s anything to this feeling I can’t shake.”

Koga looked down at his boots, his breath puffing in the cold air. He couldn’t betray Rei’s trust, couldn’t spill something so deeply personal without permission. But at the same time, Narukami’s intentions were clear; she cared about Mika and didn’t want him to get hurt, and she was going to do anything in her power to avoid that.

The worst thing is that she was in the right too. Shu had a boyfriend, he and Rei should’ve stopped all that weird shit they had together.

The weight of the secret pressed heavy on his chest, a dull ache that didn’t relent. “What if you don’t find anything?” he asked finally, his voice quieter than usual. “What if it’s all just in your head?”

Narukami glanced at him, her eyes searching his face. “Then I’ll be relieved. I want to be wrong. But if I’m not…” She trailed off, her expression tightening.

Koga clenched his fists in his pockets, the fabric bunching beneath his fingers. He couldn’t bring himself to say more, to admit what he knew. Not yet. The timing wasn’t right, and it wasn’t his choice to make.

“Good luck with that.” he said gruffly, his voice thick with something unspoken. “Hope you find what you’re looking for.”

Narukami smiled faintly. “God, I hope I don’t. I’d have to kill your best friend then.”

He knew she was joking, but he needed to change the topic; he was shivering and not from the cold. He looked down at the grass coated by the snow, a playful grin making its way on his face, washing over the worry. 

“Wanna make snow angels again?” 

Narukami’s expression froze, her lips parting slightly in what looked like disbelief. Then she blinked, narrowing her eyes. “Absolutely not.”

For a split second, Koga was confused, but then it hit him like a freight train. Oh, shit . He’d forgotten about that .

Narukami hadn’t mentioned it since, and neither had he, but now that he thought about it, her expression had been... off. He hadn’t given it much thought then, too preoccupied with his own embarrassment. But now, standing here in the cold, her flat refusal felt heavier than it should have.

Koga swallowed hard, shifting his weight from one foot to the other. He couldn’t just let this go. “Hey, uh…” he started awkwardly, scratching the back of his neck. “About that time. Y’know, with the snow angels and, uh, the… stuff after.”

Narukami tensed slightly, her arms folding tighter over her chest. “What about it?” she asked, her tone guarded.

Koga winced. Not a good start. “I, uh… I wanted to say I’m sorry. For bolting like that. It wasn’t cool, and I shouldn’t have acted like that.”

She laughed softly, but there wasn’t any humor in it. “It’s fine.” she said quickly, too quickly. “I get it. I know my body isn’t… what people expect, and I probably made you uncomfortable. That’s on me. I shouldn’t have put you in that position.”

Koga froze, his mind grinding to a halt. Wait, what the fuck?

“What’re you apologizing for?” he blurted out, his confusion evident.

Narukami looked away, her gaze fixed on the snowy garden. “I mean, it’s obvious, right? I’m not- I don’t look like other girls. I get it. It’s okay. You don’t have to-”

“The fuck are you talking about?” Koga cut her off, his voice louder than he intended. He stepped closer, his hands coming out of his pockets as he gestured wildly. “You’ve got it all wrong! That’s not why I ran off!”

Narukami blinked, taken aback by his outburst. “Then why-”

“Because you’re hot , okay?!” Koga blurted, his face burning so fiercely it felt like the cold air around them might catch fire. “I bolted because I thought you were really attractive and I, like- I didn’t know how to- ugh- exist . It was the first time I saw a girl half naked and I was embarrassed. That’s it! That’s the whole reason!”

Narukami’s mouth fell open, her cheeks turning a deep shade of red. “You- what ?”

Koga groaned, covering his face with one hand. “God, this is so embarrassing.” he muttered. “But yeah, I think you’re hot. Like, really hot. And I panicked because I’m an idiot and I didn’t wanna make things weird, but obviously, I made them worse.”

Narukami stared at him, her hands clutched tightly around her coat. Her face was practically glowing now, her lips parting and closing like she couldn’t quite decide what to say. “You find me hot?” she finally managed, her voice a mix of disbelief and embarrassment.

“Can we stop repeating that, please?” Koga exclaimed, throwing his hands in the air. “I do! You’re gorgeous, you look like a fucking princess and I do not look like a prince. I’m like one of the rats in Cinderella. And I’m sorry if I made you feel like you weren’t fucking- jaw-dropping hot and all that, because that’s not true at all. You’re amazing.”

Narukami’s hands came up to cover her face, her shoulders trembling slightly. Koga panicked for a split second, thinking she might be crying, but then he heard the soft, muffled sound of laughter.

“You’re so dumb.” she said, her voice muffled by her hands. “But thank you. Really. I… I didn’t expect that.”

Koga rubbed the back of his neck, his cheeks still flaming. “Yeah, well, I didn’t expect to confess this in the middle of Itsuki’s fucking garden either but here we are.”

“You’re cursing a lot.” 

“I’m nervous."
She giggled. “I can tell.” 

Narukami lowered her hands slowly, her eyes meeting his. They were glistening, but the small, genuine smile on her face made Koga’s heart flip in a way he wasn’t entirely prepared for. “For what it’s worth,” she said softly, “I think you’re pretty great too.”

Koga stared at her for a moment, his brain short-circuiting. “You- what?”

Koga stared at her, his mouth opening and closing like a goldfish as he tried to process what she’d just said. I think you’re pretty great too. What did that even mean? Did she like him? Or was it just a general hey, you’re not as much of a dumbass as you think kind of thing? His brain was exploding, and he wasn’t sure if it was because of the cold or because Narukami was standing there, looking at him like he wasn’t a total screw-up.

“Wait, you- you think I’m great?” he finally managed to choke out, his voice cracking slightly.

Narukami’s cheeks darkened further, and she looked away, fidgeting with the buttons on her coat. “I mean… maybe I could- possibly like you. A little bit.” Her voice was so quiet he almost missed it. “Don’t let it get to your head or anything.”

Koga blinked, and then he started grinning. Like, really grinning. A big, stupid, toothy grin that he couldn’t control even if he tried. “You might like me?” he asked, his tone teasing but tinged with disbelief. “Like, as in like-like?”

Narukami groaned, hiding her face in her hands again. “God, you’re so embarrassing.”

“Yeah, but you like me!” Koga said, his grin widening. “Holy shit. A girl likes me. You like me. I can’t believe this. This is God fuckin’- rewarding me or something because I’m going to church.” He laughed, a giddy, slightly unhinged sound that echoed in the still night air. “A girl likes me. Oh my god. I’m not a rat. I’m not a rat!”

Narukami peeked at him from between her fingers, her lips twitching like she was trying not to laugh. “I mean, I never said that.” She giggled. “You’re such a dork.” She muttered, but there was a softness to her voice that made Koga’s heart do flips.

“Yeah, but now I can be your dork.” he shot back without thinking, and then immediately froze. “Wait, no, shit, that’s fucking cheesy, that’s too soon- unless you’re into that? Not that I’m trying to rush or anything! I just-” He groaned, covering his face with his hands. “I’m so bad at this.”

Narukami lowered her hands, a small, amused smile tugging at her lips. “I can tell.” She said dryly, but there was no malice in her tone. If anything, she seemed… endeared .

Koga took a deep breath, trying to rein in his spiraling thoughts. “Look,” he said, his voice softer now. “I know we don’t know each other that well yet, and I know I’m probably gonna screw up a lot. But… I really like you. And I’d like to get to know you better. If you’re okay with that. And also, you’re very pretty. Like, too pretty.”

Narukami’s expression softened, and for a moment, she just looked at him, her eyes searching his face like she was trying to decide if he was serious. Finally, she nodded, a tiny, almost shy smile playing on her lips. “Maybe.” she said, her voice teasing but warm. “I might like you too. A little bit. Maybe.” She pointed a finger at him. “But don’t let it get to your head.”

“Too late!” Koga said, practically bouncing on his heels now. “God, this is the best day of my life. A girl likes me. Holy shit. You like me .”

Narukami rolled her eyes, but there was no hiding the faint blush dusting her cheeks. “You’re impossible.”

Before Koga could say anything else, she stepped closer, leaning down to press a quick, soft kiss to his cheek. His words died in his throat, his brain turning to static as the warmth of her lips burned against his skin.

Oh god. She was so much taller than him. Her lips were so soft. How the fuck did she not have chapped lips in december. Did she use lip balm? Was it flavored? Koga wasn’t picky, really. He could get behind cherry fucking flavoured lip balm.

“See you inside, rat prince.” She said, her voice light and teasing as she turned and headed back toward the house.

Koga stood there, frozen in place, his hand slowly coming up to touch the spot where she’d kissed him. His cheek felt like it was on fire, and his heart was pounding so hard he was sure it was going to leap out of his chest.

“She likes me.” He whispered to himself, his grin returning full force. “She actually liked me back.”

For the first time in his life, Koga felt like he might actually float away.

Koga lingered in the garden a moment longer, the warmth from Narukami's kiss still burning on his cheek. His head was buzzing, but not from the cold. She liked him. Him . 

"I can’t fucking belive it." he muttered under his breath, before giving himself a firm shake. He had to pull it together; he still had to say goodbye to the others before heading to church.

When he stepped back inside, the scene that greeted him made him pause in the doorway, eyebrows shooting up in disbelief.

Mika and Natsume were sprawled across the couch like two very off-key ornaments on a dilapidated Christmas tree. Mika's arm was thrown over Natsume's shoulder as they warbled what Koga assumed were Christmas carols but sounded too distorted to be sure.

"I just want you for my own!" Mika slurred, waving an empty glass in the air.

"Mo-more than you could ever know!” Natsume chimed in, though his head lolled dangerously toward Mika's shoulder.

On the other side of the room, Tsumugi was bent over a trash can near the bathroom door, looking utterly miserable as Eichi knelt beside him, holding his hair back with a surprising amount of care.

“There, there, Tsumugi.” Eichi said soothingly, his voice calm despite his own glassy-eyed gaze. “Just let it all out. Cleanse yourself of those unholy cocktails Wataru made.”

Wataru, sitting across the room, raised his glass in mock indignation. “I’ll have you know, dear Eichi, that my concoctions are crafted with precision and panache!”

“Your panache tastes like battery acid.” Shu sniffed, swirling the wine in his glass with an air of superiority.

Rei chuckled, reclining in his chair with Mademoiselle perched serenely on his lap. He scratched behind the cat's ears as he added, “You just hate fun, Itsuki. I’m sure Wataru’s drinks are delightful.”

“Then why,” Shu countered, his tone sharp but amused, as he leaned on Rei’s chair, “are you and Wataru already on your second glass of wine? Were those atrocities too much fun for you?”

“Third, Shu.” Rei grinned, bringing the glass to his lips. 

“Fourth.” Wataru corrected with a flourish, raising his glass.

Shu rolled his eyes and took a sip from his own glass. “I’m kicking you out if you get sick.” 

Somewhere in the corner of the room, Tsumugi groaned. “Natsume- Ugh-” He crouched next to the trash can again, disgusting sounds coming from his mouth. Eichi rushed again to keep his hair out of his face. “Easy, Tsumugi. He’s, uh-” he glanced at Natsume, still yelling something that vaguely sounded like a Christmas song, too far gone to notice his boyfriend emptying his stomach. “Preoccupied with something else right now.”

Koga shook his head, biting back a laugh as he stepped further into the room. “Hey, uh, I’m heading out to church now.” he announced loudly, hoping to cut through the chaos.

Most of the group barely reacted. Mika let out a faint “Merry Christmas!” before slumping further into Natsume’s side, and Tsumugi just groaned into the trash can.

Rei raised a brow, smirking. “Make sure to pray for the rest of us heathens while you’re at it.”

“I’ll pray for you to shut up.” Koga muttered, though his tone was more fond than annoyed. He turned to Narukami, who was standing near the door with a soft smile on her face.

“See ya in the morning?” he asked, his voice quieter, a little more tentative. “I’ll bring breakfast.” 

Narukami nodded. “Yeah. I’ll see you then.” She stepped closer, leaning in to press another kiss to his cheek.

Koga froze, his heart skipping a beat, but before he could say anything, a loud choking sound came from behind him.

Rei was coughing violently, clutching his chest as Shu patted his back with distaste in his eyes. “My, my, Rei,” Shu drawled. “There are better ways to show your disapproval of their relationship.”

“I’m fine.” Rei wheezed, though his sharp gaze flicked between Koga and Narukami with undisguised curiosity. “Just didn’t expect to see someone ever purposely touching him.”

Koga glared at him. “Do you want me to beat you up?” 

“Do you want physical contact that bad?” 

Koga growled and started to make his way towards Rei, but Narukami grabbed his wrist to stop him. “Behave.” 

Koga stopped his march and pouted. “Fine.” 

Narukami pinched his cheek and smiled. “Good dog.” 

“ Ew .” Shu commented. 

“Ew, indeed.” Rei echoed, taking another sip of wine. 

Wataru tilted his head, a mischievous glint in his eye. “Oh, young love. How it brightens even the darkest of hearts!”

“Shut up.” Koga snapped, his face burning as he made a beeline for the door. 

Narukami laughed softly behind him, her voice following him out into the night. “Don’t have too much fun without me, alright?”

“I’m sure I’ll manage.” Koga answered, that stupid, happy grin back on his face. 

The clock struck a quiet, solemn hour, its chime barely cutting through the muffled snores and heavy silence of the room. The chaos from earlier had dulled into something almost peaceful. Mika was curled up next to Narukami on the couch, his head resting lightly on her shoulder as her arm draped over him in a gentle, protective gesture. A soft smile tugged at her lips even in sleep, and Mika seemed to be dreaming something pleasant, judging by the little hums he let out now and then.

The other couch was occupied by Eichi, who laid sprawled ungracefully, one arm hanging over the edge, his chest rising and falling in an unsteady rhythm. At some point, Wataru had been beside him, but now he was peacefully nestled on the floor, a throw pillow tucked beneath his head like it was the most luxurious bedding in the world.

Natsume and Tsumugi retreated to Shu's guest room earlier, and from the quiet snoring that seeped through the door, it  seemed like they were asleep. 

Rei and Shu were the only ones still awake, moving quietly around the room as they began tidying up. Shu stood near the table, meticulously stacking empty wine glasses as if their arrangement held some artistic importance. His movements were sharp, deliberate, the corners of his lips twitching into mild irritation every time Rei discarded another forgotten cookie or a stray piece of half-eaten cake into the trash bag he was holding. 

“You’re leaving crumbs everywhere.” Shu muttered, his voice low to avoid waking the others.

Rei only chuckled, crouching to scoop up some stray crumbs that had made their way under the coffee table. “Crumbs build character, Itsuki. It’s what gives a house a lived-in charm.”

Shu gave him a flat look, brushing nonexistent dust off his hands. “Then by all means, make yourself at home in someone else’s.”

Rei straightened up, his smirk unshakable as he dropped the tinsel into the bag. “Come now, I thought you enjoyed my company.”

“It’s tolerable when you’re silent.”

Rei chuckled and moved slowly, picking up discarded glasses and straightening a pillow here and there. Shu was doing his part too, but his movements were half-hearted, his attention fixed more on the glass in his hand than on the mess around him.

“Do you think Tsumugi’s going to live through that?” Rei asked, glancing at the guest room door. 

Shu snorted, eyes glazed but sharp enough to pick up on the humor. “If he dies, it’ll be Wataru’s fault. Those cocktails tasted like he was trying to poison us all.”

“Wataru’s cocktails have character, and you know it.” Rei said, unable to suppress a grin, though his voice was more serious than he meant it to be.

“Oh, please.” Shu waved his hand dismissively, but he was smiling too, just a little, like he was afraid of letting Rei see it. “The only thing they have is potential lawsuits.”

Rei chuckled, rolling up the last bit of wrapping paper. “Maybe. But you’re still drinking them.”

“Because I’m a fool .” Shu muttered, half-sarcastic, half-resentful. He took a long sip from his glass, his eyes narrowing as if to distance himself from the warmth of the alcohol creeping up on him. “You know what I don’t get, though? How everyone acts so normal after... that.” He tilted his head back, pointing the glass at the couch where Eichi was asleep in a heap and Wataru on the ground right next to him. “How is it that those two are passed out like nothing ever happened?”

Rei raised an eyebrow. “I don’t think they don’t care about what happened, I just think they didn’t want to let that ruin their night. Honestly, I’m more concerned about you.” He lowered his voice just a little. “How are you dealing with all of… this” He waved his hand vaguely, gesturing to the room, the tree, everything that had just unfolded.

Shu never liked having a lot of people around. Shu didn’t like loud people, he didn’t like loud music, he didn’t like drunk people, and and most of all, he couldn’t stand having strangers in his house. 

It made him incredibly paranoid and Rei knew that. He hadn't seen Shu go to the bathroom all night, just because he didn’t feel safe being alone. He didn’t say it, of course, but he didn’t need to. Rei could read his actions like they were his own. 

Shu stiffened, his fingers tightening around the stem of his wine glass before setting it down with deliberate care, like he needed the motion to ground himself. A faint frown tugged at his lips, his jaw tightening as if to keep himself from saying something sharper. “What do you want me to say?” His voice held a fragile edge, the kind that tried to sound dismissive but didn’t quite succeed. “I’m handling it. I’m doing this for our friends.”

He exhaled sharply through his nose, his gaze darting toward the others before settling on the flickering lights of the tree. His thumb brushed over the rim of the glass, a restless gesture that betrayed the calm his words tried to convey. “If you wanted me to say this was the best night of my life,” his tone dipped into something more resigned, almost bitter, as he turned his head slightly away. “I’m afraid I’ll have to disappoint you.”

“No.” Rei said, his voice quiet, but steady. His heart, stubborn and foolish as ever, pounded a little harder. “But I’m proud of you for doing this.”

Shu glanced up at him, and for a moment, something passed between them. It wasn’t much, but it was enough that Rei felt a tightness in his chest. Shu's expression softened, not quite in the way it used to back then, but it was the closest Rei had gotten to seeing something real in a long time.

“Don’t blurt such nonsense while I’m inebriated, Sakuma. I already struggle to understand what you’re saying when I’m sober.” 

“Whatever you say, Itsuki.” With a sigh, Rei reached for the last few ornaments on the coffee table and started to hang them on the tree. "Alright, let’s finish this. Get the presents under the tree. It’ll be Christmas by morning anyway."

They moved around the room in comfortable silence, only the faint sound of clinking glass, soft snoring and padded footsteps marking the passage of time. Finally, the tree was surrounded by neatly wrapped presents, ready for the next morning.

Shu sat down in front of the tree, stretching his long legs out. He kicked his shoes off, looking over at Rei with an unusually soft expression. His cheeks were slightly pink, and his hair was sticking out all over the place. That wasn’t just Shu; that was his Shu. “Come sit with me. We’re done, aren’t we?”

Rei hesitated for just a second, before sitting beside him, far closer than he probably should have. The warmth between them felt like it could burn if he wasn’t careful, but it was too familiar to fight off.

He couldn’t care less about the fact that maybe, probably, this was a bad idea. Shu looked so beautiful, and that was the only thing he could think about.

The warmth of the wine curled in Rei’s chest, but it was nothing compared to the heat of Shu’s presence beside him. They sat there, barely inches apart, the glow of the Christmas tree casting soft, flickering light over Shu’s sharp features. Mika lay behind them, blissfully unaware of the situation in front of him. The thought should have sobered Rei, but it only made the ache in his heart throb more insistently.

They spoke quietly, voices threading through the stillness.

“Wataru told me he misses us.” Rei began, his tone light despite the weight of his words. He didn’t look directly at Shu, but he felt the way his companion stilled beside him. “All of us, together. The way things used to be back in school.”

Shu exhaled sharply through his nose, taking a slow sip of wine. His hands trembled, barely noticeable, as he lowered the glass to his lap. “He’s not wrong.” he said finally, his voice low and deliberate. “I also find myself.. reminiscing about those days.”

Rei glanced at him, studying the way Shu’s profile softened, the faint crease between his brows less harsh than usual. The words came unbidden, his voice quieter than before. “You do?”

Shu turned his head slightly, and in the dim light, his eyes caught the reflection of the tree’s glow. They were piercing, vulnerable in a way that made Rei’s breath catch, and exactly the same as he left them. They were still the same beautiful blue eyes he used to gaze in all those time ago. “Yes.” Shu admitted, his voice barely above a whisper. “I do. I miss... us, in a way.”

The words hung heavy in the air, wrapping around Rei like a weight and a balm all at once. 

He wasn’t sure what Shu was referring to. He wasn’t even sure Shu was sure what he was referring to. Was the wine speaking? Was Rei dreaming? 

His chest tightened, his pulse hammering in his ears. He misses us. His thoughts tripped over themselves, desperate to hold on to the moment. “Shu…” he murmured, his voice raw and fragile.

Shu’s gaze didn’t waver, and something unspoken passed between them, a pull that neither seemed able to resist. They shifted closer, imperceptibly at first, until Rei could feel the faint warmth of Shu’s body against his side. His senses were hyper-focused; the soft rasp of Shu’s breathing, the faint scent of something floral and wine, the way his shirt slipped just slightly from his collarbone, exposing pale skin.

Rei’s hands clenched against his thighs, his nails digging into his palms as he fought the urge to reach out. His chest felt too full, each beat of his heart a painful thrum against his ribcage. He didn’t realize he’d been holding his breath until Shu tilted his head slightly, the angle achingly familiar. 

The lights crashed against his features and he was so close- it was almost like a few days prior, when they were left stranded in the middle of a random store, held together by a string of light, not a palm away from each other. 

Rei remembered Shu’s breath on his lips. He remembered counting his eyelashes. He remembered Shu leaning in. What would have happened if Wataru didn’t interrupt them? Shu lifted the barrier he built between them for a few seconds, and Rei couldn’t stop thinking about it. 

What if Wataru wasn’t there to snap Shu out of his trance? What if Shu never put the barrier back in place?

Well, now there was no barrier.

Rei’s throat felt dry, but he couldn’t stop himself from leaning closer. His fingers twitched at his sides, and his entire body burned with the memory of Shu’s touch, the ghost of what had been. Years of those fingers grazing his skin, of those lips gently pressing against his own. They were so vivid now. He was back in that house, with his Shu, the familiarity cutting him to the bone.

“You... really miss us? ” Rei asked again, barely above a whisper, as if saying it louder would shatter the fragile intimacy.

“Yes.” Shu said, the word trembling on his lips like an echo. His voice was softer than Rei had heard it in a while, the faintest crack at the edges. His eyes darted briefly toward Mika, still fast asleep on the couch, before snapping back to Rei, filled with something that looked like regret and longing. “I miss you.”

Rei’s heart broke and mended in the same breath. His hand moved before he could stop himself, brushing against Shu’s as if testing the waters. Shu didn’t pull away. Instead, he leaned in, his wine glass forgotten at his side.

Rei could see every detail now; the faint pink tint to Shu’s cheeks, the slightly uneven rise and fall of his chest, the beauty marks he had tried to cover with makeup, the way his lips parted as if he were about to speak, but couldn’t find the words. The air between them crackled, and Rei’s pulse thundered in his ears.

Don’t stop. Don’t ruin this.

Shu tilted his head further, and their foreheads nearly touched. His breath was warm against Rei’s cheek, and for a moment, everything else disappeared; the guilt, the doubt, the months of distance and pain. All that remained was Shu , here, now, close enough to-

The kiss was soft at first, tentative, like neither of them wanted to acknowledge it was happening. But then it deepened, slow and aching, a collision of years of love mixed with pain and betrayal. Rei’s hands finally moved, one sliding up to cradle Shu’s jaw, his thumb brushing against the curve of his cheek. Shu’s lips were warm, far warmer than his own, and he pressed back just enough to set Rei’s entire body alight.

The kiss was an explosion, a shattering of every wall that was erected between them. It wasn’t just lips meeting; it was a revolution, it was the vacation ending. Now, it was time to go home.

Shu’s lips were softer than he remembered; delicate, almost cautious at first, but with an unmistakable firmness as they moved against his own. They carried the faint tang of wine, sweet and sharp, and Rei could feel it on his tongue, on his breath, threading through his senses like a spell.

Shu’s hand cupped his cheek, the touch achingly gentle, his fingers cool and slender, grazing just enough to make Rei’s heart stutter. The contrast sent heat flooding through him, a dizzying sensation that pooled low in his stomach and radiated outward. His skin burned where Shu’s palm rested, and Rei found himself leaning into it, restlessly craving more. His own hands trembled as they found their place, one sliding into Shu’s hair, the silken strands slipping between his fingers, the other settling against the sharp line of Shu’s jaw.

Shu was so close, impossibly close, and yet it still wasn’t enough. Rei pressed in, his heart hammering against his ribs, each beat deafening in his ears. Shu tasted sweet, sweeter than he remembered, and Rei wanted more, he wanted to drown in that honey. It felt intoxicating, grounding, and utterly surreal all at once.

This isn’t real. This couldn’t be real. Rei’s mind was tripping over itself in a chaotic spiral. Why was Shu doing this? Why now? Why right here, right in front of Mika? He should pull away- he had to pull away. But the thought barely formed before it crumbled, swept away by the overwhelming reality of Shu’s lips on his own, of the way their bodies seemed to fit together just like he remembered, like the past months didn’t corrode him to his bones, like he was still perfect between Shu’s arms.

I shouldn’t be doing this, Rei’s thoughts scolded him, but the voice was faint, lost beneath the tidal wave of sensation. It felt so good. He couldn’t stop now, it was too much, Rei waited too long for this, he had been so good for Shu, he deserved to be kissed, to be eaten whole. 

The guilt clawed at him, sharp and insistent. Kagehira was just behind them, blissfully unaware, dreaming away under Narukami’s protective arm. The image flashed in Rei’s mind like a warning bell, but it was drowned out by Shu; the sound of his shallow breaths, the way his lips parted just slightly to deepen the kiss, the faint hitch in his breath when Rei’s fingers brushed the nape of his neck.

Rei’s thoughts stumbled and collided, caught between the past and the present, between guilt and desire. Shu shouldn’t be doing this. But then again, neither should he. Did Shu even want this, or was it the wine? But Shu’s lips were moving with too much intent, too much knowing.

He misses me. The words echoed in Rei’s mind, and something inside him cracked wide open. He misses us. His chest ached, too full, too tight, as if his heart was trying to break free entirely. It didn’t matter why Shu was doing this; it didn’t matter that they shouldn’t. Shu was kissing him, and why would he care about anything else? 

Every inch of Shu was achingly familiar. The faint floral scent that lingered on his skin, the subtle hitch in his breath when Rei’s lips moved just so, the slight tremor in his hand against Rei’s cheek, the little muffled sounds he let out. Rei’s chest surged with warmth, with disbelief, with relief.

This is where I belong. This is where I’ve always belonged.

Shu tilted his head, deepening the kiss, and Rei felt himself shatter. His grip on Shu tightened, fingers curling into his hair as if letting go wasn’t an option. Shu’s movements were deliberate, measured, but Rei could feel the undercurrent of something raw, something desperate, beneath the surface.

He opened his eyes for just a moment, just long enough to catch the sight of Shu’s lashes fluttering against his cheek, the soft glow of the Christmas lights painting his pale skin in golden hues. He was beautiful- too beautiful. How was he real? What did Rei do to deserve to be kissed again like that?

Why is he doing this?

But the question dissolved into nothingness when Shu’s lips pressed harder against his own, coaxing a quiet sound from deep in Rei’s throat. The rhythm of the kiss became slower, deeper, like they were trying to memorize every detail of each other. Rei didn’t really need that, though. He never forgot how Shu’s kisses felt. He couldn’t do it even if he tried.

Rei’s thoughts tumbled into chaos again. Mika’s right there. He’ll wake up. He’ll see. But another voice, louder and impossible to ignore, reminded him that it didn’t really matter. Shu was right there, Shu was kissing him, Shu was touching him. 

He wanted to cry, to laugh, to scream. His body hummed with the sheer intensity of it all; the press of Shu’s mouth, the warmth of his hand, the way their breaths mingled in the quiet. The world around them faded, replaced by the warmth of the tree’s glow and the steady pull of Shu’s presence.

For the first time in God knows how long, Rei was home.

The moment their lips parted, the air between them thickened with a strange tension, an awkwardness that neither seemed prepared for. For a few seconds, neither of them spoke. Rei’s heart raced in his chest, each beat loud enough to drown out the rest of the world. His body was still thrumming with the intensity of the kiss, but his mind was a tangled mess, his thoughts spiraling out of control.

Shu cleared his throat suddenly, and Rei instinctively straightened up, snapping out of his thoughts. He could almost feel the shift in the room- the immediate shift from something raw and real to the uncomfortable, strained normalcy. Shu stood up a little too quickly, his back stiff and rigid. He reached for his glass on the table with an almost mechanical motion, then turned toward Rei, his gaze flicking briefly to the couch before looking anywhere but at Rei.

“Well then.” Shu said, his voice cool, and just a little too forced. “It’s late, isn’t it?” He laughed, but it was a thin, awkward sound that didn’t quite match the situation, and felt painfully uncharacteristic of him. “ I’ll go to bed now.”

Rei blinked, still in a daze, his thoughts a mess of contradictions. His body was on autopilot, responding more to the sudden shift than anything else. Shu was already moving, his movements too quick, too rigid. Rei could feel the distance building already, the wall being erected once again, and he felt powerless against it.

“Yeah…” Rei said slowly, trying to make his voice sound casual, like this was just another night. “It’s late. It’s best if we go to sleep, for- uh, you know. So we can be well rested tomorrow morning and- all that.”

There was no trace of their earlier intimacy now. The weight of the moment seemed to hang around them both, thick and heavy. They both stood there, avoiding each other’s gaze, neither of them sure what to do next.

Shu nodded once, and with that, he moved toward the hallway, his posture tight, his steps deliberate. Rei stood frozen for a second longer, watching the man he just kissed retreat into the silence of his house. The silence that felt more deafening now than it ever had before.

Rei turned around slowly, his eyes darting around the room. Mika was still asleep on the couch, his limbs tangled with Narukami, blissfully unaware of everything that had just transpired. Eichi was sprawled out on the other couch, probably out for the night as well, and the guest room was already claimed. 

Rei’s gaze shifted back to Wataru on the floor, the realization hitting him like a ton of bricks.

“Great.” he muttered to himself, his voice just above a whisper, as he looked at the now empty floor space in the corner. “I guess I’ll just… sleep on the fucking floor. Wonderful. Great night.”

Having to worry about where to sleep in Shu’s house felt stupid. He never had to worry about that before; he knew where his place was, he even had a drawer in Shu’s nightstand.

Or well, used to have. 

His mind was still reeling from the kiss. He wanted to scream, to tear his hair out, but he forced himself to exhale, to ground himself. 

Did that really happen? Did Shu really kiss him? Was that just some stupid, drunken mistake? Or… or was it something else? Rei’s chest tightened at the thought of it, his stomach twisting with a combination of elation and confusion. It couldn’t be. Shu rejected him already.

Why did he kiss him? Was he just… was he just caught up in the moment? Or did he mean it?

Rei rubbed a hand over his face, trying to shake off the frantic thoughts. He glanced back at the guest room, at Shu’s retreating figure. The soft glow of the Christmas tree lights only added to the surreal nature of the night, as if everything had happened in a dream. But it wasn’t a dream. It was real. Too real.

He rubbed his palms over his legs as if trying to erase the lingering feeling of Shu’s hands, his lips. A small, frustrated chuckle slipped out of Rei’s mouth.

"God, what the hell am I doing?"

Rei stood there, his heart pounding, his mind a tangled mess of frustration and confusion. The air around him felt thick, suffocating, as his thoughts spiraled deeper into a vortex of anger and disbelief. Why the fuck had Shu kissed him? After everything- after a year of silence, after choosing someone else, after pushing him away- Shu just kissed him. Like it was nothing. Like their entire past didn’t matter. Like he didn’t have a boyfriend sleeping right behind them, completely unaware of what had just happened.

Rei's hand clenched into a fist at his side, his nails sinking into his palm. The feeling of Shu’s lips, the warmth of his touch, was still burning on his skin, a cruel reminder of everything he wanted but could never have. He couldn't make sense of it, couldn’t understand why Shu would do that, only to act like nothing happened. His stomach twisted with frustration. It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair that he got a taste of what he had wanted for so long, only for it to be ripped away again.

The anger, the hurt- it was too much to bear. How the hell was he supposed to move on from this?

The sound of footsteps broke through his racing thoughts, and Rei’s head snapped up. Shu was standing there, his expression guarded, his eyes flicking briefly to the floor before landing on Rei. He cleared his throat awkwardly, and Rei could feel the tension in the air, thickening by the second.

“You’re going to sleep in that?” Shu asked, voice rough and a little too forced, his gaze flicking down to Rei’s sweater. Rei glanced down too, suddenly self-conscious. He was wearing an itchy Christmas sweater that was just a bit too tight on him, and there was definitely a stain from something that came out of Wataru’s body- He wasn’t even sure what it was. 

Rei let out a dry laugh, not bothering to hide the bitterness in his tone. “Yeah, no.” The sweater suddenly felt like barbed wire against his skin. “I’m probably just going to sleep shirtless or something.” 

“What?” Shu glared at him, like that was the most insane thing that happened that night. “It’s the middle of December, you idiot. You’ll freeze. Come with me.” Shu said, like he had the right to worry about Rei.

Rei raised an eyebrow, too tired to question it anymore. His mind was too scattered, too exhausted from the emotional whiplash of the last few minutes. He didn’t even bother asking where they were going or why; he was beyond that now. He just nodded stiffly, muttering a half-hearted, “Okay.”

Shu turned without another word, and Rei followed, not bothering to keep his thoughts in check. The way Shu had acted, how quickly he switched from something so intimate to cold detachment, only made everything harder. How could he not know how much it hurt? He knew about Rei’s feelings, of course he knew. Kissing him fully knowing that Rei still loved him was just plain cruel. Rei couldn’t even look at him without wanting to scream.

They moved quietly through the familiar hall, the house feeling too big and too small at the same time. With every step, Rei’s mind raced, the confusion and exasperation swelling again. Shu was leading him up the stairs now, and Rei couldn’t help but feel a sickening twist in his stomach. He had no idea what was happening. He had no idea why he was letting it happen. 

And yet, he couldn’t stop.

Shu stopped in front of a door, his hand resting briefly on the handle before he pushed it open, and Rei’s eyes flitted around the room. It was Shu’s bedroom, familiar, way too familiar, but now foreign in a way that made his stomach twist even more. The bed was perfectly made, fabrics were stacked on top of his desk, canvases littered around the room, and the soft glow from the streetlights outside spilled into the room. Everything was exactly how he left it. He wondered if his toothbrush was still in the bathroom.

Rei stood in the doorway for a moment, lost in the whirlwind of his emotions, but then Shu stepped aside, clearly waiting for him to enter. Without a word, Rei walked past him, the weight of the night’s events pressing down on him, suffocating him with every breath. 

Shu closed the door behind them, and the room settled into an uncomfortable silence. Rei didn’t look at him. He couldn’t- not with everything that had happened, not when he still didn’t know what the hell was going on.

Shu rummaged through his drawers, the soft rustle of fabric filling the silence that had settled between them. Rei stood there, staring at his own reflection in the slightly cracked mirror on the wall, hands hesitating at the hem of his itchy sweater. Without really thinking, he pulled it over his head, tossing it aside, and stood shirtless in the dim light of the room.

The cool air hit his skin, goosebumps rising along his arms as he glanced up toward the window, pretending to focus on something else. But his thoughts were still a mess, still a blur of confusion and frustration, and underneath it all, something else. A deep, gnawing ache, a craving that refused to go away. He’d been so close to getting what he wanted, and now... now, he was standing here, in Shu’s bedroom, shirtless, after they’d kissed, ignoring each other. Everything felt so surreal. But none of it mattered. Not right now.

Shu, still searching through the drawer, muttered under his breath, “I should still have one of your hoodies somewhere…” He pulled out a hoodie from the back of the drawer, his fingers pausing over the fabric as he turned around to hand it to Rei. “Ah, there it is-”

And then, as if time had stopped, he froze.

Rei didn’t move. Didn’t react. Didn’t need to. Shu’s gaze was fixed on him now, on the bare skin of his chest, his arms, the sharpness of his collarbones, the slight curve of his stomach. His lips parted slightly, his eyes wide, too wide, like he hadn’t expected to find him like this. Like he hadn’t expected to see Rei standing there, shirtless, waiting.

Rei didn’t acknowledge it, didn’t call him out, didn’t make a joke like he would’ve probably done in any other situation. He couldn’t even bring himself to look at Shu. He could feel it, though; the way Shu was staring at him, the intensity of his gaze, burning into his skin. The room felt hotter suddenly, suffocating. His pulse thudded in his ears, but he didn’t care. He was past caring. He was past trying to figure this out. It was Christmas. Everything was a mess. He was cold. Shu kissed him. 

Shu swallowed thickly, and for a long moment, neither of them spoke. The hoodie was still clutched in his hand, forgotten. He didn’t move. Didn’t say anything. His chest was rising and falling too quickly, his breath too sharp, his entire body still, as though he couldn’t quite process what he was seeing.

Rei stood still, refusing to acknowledge the way his heart raced, or the way his skin tingled under Shu’s gaze. His chest tightened with that familiar, suffocating longing, but he forced himself not to react, not to give in to the ache that ate his insides.

His eyes flicked to Shu’s face for a split second, but quickly darted away. He couldn’t bear the weight of his stare, couldn’t bear the way it made his pulse spike, the way his body remembered things it shouldn’t. His breath caught in his throat as a flush of heat spread over his chest, a reminder of everything that kiss had been.

But no. He was not going to let himself feel this way.

Rei clenched his fists at his sides, trying to ground himself, trying to keep his thoughts from spiraling. He had to stop. He had to- because if he didn't, he'd let this madness consume him, and that was the last thing he wanted.

His stomach twisted at the thought, but the need, the hunger, lingered, gnawing at him with a quiet, insistent force.

It was like his body had a mind of its own, a cruel reminder of how much he wanted him, how much he had always wanted him. His hands trembled slightly, but he forced them to stay at his sides, to not reach out, to not pull Shu closer. The burning in his chest was something he had lived with for far too long, and this, this painful craving , was something he couldn’t afford to indulge in again. Shu had a boyfriend. Shu didn’t love him. Shu made a mistake.

Rei shut his eyes briefly, as if it would make the ache go away, but it only made it worse. Because when his eyes were closed, he could feel it even more: the pull of Shu’s gaze, the tension that crackled in the air between them, the knowledge that even now, even after everything, he still wanted him. Still needed him.

But he wouldn’t have him.

He took in a sharp breath, willing himself to push that need away, to ignore the way his body was betraying him. He had to stay in control, or everything would fall apart.

Rei could hear his own heartbeat in the silence, could feel the weight of the air pressing in on him. The tension was so thick now, it was almost unbearable.

Shu’s mouth opened, then closed. He seemed to have forgotten the reason he’d come to the drawer in the first place.

He opened his mouth again, his voice breaking through the tension, somewhat unsure for Shu’s standards.. “Ah. I’m sure you remember but.. my- my bed is, uh, very big. And you don’t like sleeping on the floor. And the floor is very cold. I mean, not as cold as Wataru’s, but-”

Before he could finish his sentence, Rei snapped. He couldn’t stand it anymore; the uncertainty, the constant pushing and pulling, the way Shu kept trying to pretend that nothing was happening between them when it was so clear. The way Shu looked at him, like he wanted him, like he needed him.

Rei stepped forward, closing the space between them in one fluid movement. His hand cupped the back of Shu’s neck, and before Shu could react, Rei kissed him. It wasn’t a gentle kiss, it wasn’t tentative, it was hungry, desperate, an explosion of everything Rei had been holding back.

Shu’s body stiffened for a moment, his eyes wide in surprise, but then, almost instantly, his hands found Rei’s waist, pulling him closer. The kiss deepened, and Rei could feel the intensity of it, feel every inch of skin on fire as their mouths moved together, each one claiming the other. They knew each other, knew each other’s rhythm, how to make the other gasp, how to make the other burn. They hadn’t been together in so long, but the familiarity of it was electric. Every touch, every press of their lips, felt like coming home after years of longing.

Rei couldn’t get enough of him, couldn’t get enough of the heat that spread from his lips to his chest, the feeling of Shu’s hands tracing his back, pulling him closer. His breath hitched, and he could feel his pulse pounding in his ears, blood rushing, drowning out all rational thought. He could taste the sweetness of Shu’s mouth, could feel the way his heart was beating in time with his own, like they were connected in a way that didn’t need words. He couldn’ care less about their past, about the rejection, about Mika. Shu was kissing him back, that was the only thing that mattered.

When they finally broke apart, their lips swollen, both of them gasping for breath, Rei couldn’t help but smile, a little too smug, a little too eager. “I’d be more than happy to sleep in your bed, Shu.”

Shu blinked rapidly, trying to collect himself, but Rei could see it; the way his face was flushed, the way his lips were slightly parted, the way his chest heaved as he tried to regain control. He looked like he was struggling to hold it together, trying to play it cool, but his embarrassment was written all over his face. His voice came out stiff, though it didn’t fool Rei for a second. “Splendid. Terrific.”

Rei chuckled at his attempt to maintain composure, but before he could say anything else, he was already kissing Shu again, the tension between them crackling as they both melted into the kiss. This time, it was even deeper, even more urgent, as if they were trying to make up for lost time, trying to make sense of everything that had been left unsaid.

Shu pulled back slightly, his fingers fumbling at the hem of his shirt, his eyes darting to Rei as if to gauge his reaction. Rei’s heart skipped a beat as Shu pulled his shirt off, revealing his bare torso. The way he looked, skin flushed, chest heaving with just the tape across it, it made Rei feel dizzy with desire.

Shu’s cheeks went pink, a little sheepish, but he didn’t hesitate. He stood there, chest bare, eyes burning with something Rei couldn’t quite place, maybe the same hunger, the same craving that was flooding his veins. He looked tall, sure, proud. 

He was so hot. Rei was going to die. Shu was about to kill him.

Shu grabbed Rei’s wrists and placed his hands on his waist, settling between them with ease and familiarity. After all, that used to be their thing .

Rei swallowed and asked, with voice low and husky, but still just a bit unsure. “You want to do that thing? Like we used to?” 

Shu laced his arms behind Rei’s neck, and didn’t waste a breath. “Yes, please.”