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Language:
English
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Published:
2012-12-02
Words:
810
Chapters:
1/1
Comments:
10
Kudos:
386
Bookmarks:
47
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3,870

A Birthday Cake Recipe

Summary:

Four steps to baking a cake.

Work Text:

Step 1: Preparation

  • Get asked by floppy-haired closeted ragingly heterosexual senpai to bake a birthday cake for his totally platonic best friend.
  • Remember two other senpai are making a cake too. Realize a second cake is a must.
  • Purchase ingredients from Junes (with assistance from birthday boy’s cousin)
  • Return to mother’s house. Drop eggs on floor. Curse creatively for five minutes.
  • Salvage intact eggs. Put ingredients on table.
  • Decide you need an assistant.
  • Ask secret crush detective friend because you’re desperate for any damn reason to hang out she won’t try to throw chili powder in batter.
  • Detective friend will list a dozen excuses. Persist!
  • Request that idol friend bully detective friend into helping. Detective will come to the shop.
  • Victory! Answer door wearing apron, blush repeatedly.




Step 2: Making cake


Ingredients:
2 cups cake flour (not self-rising)
2 teaspoons baking powder
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 stick (1/2 cup) unsalted butter, softened
1 cup sugar
3 large eggs, kept at room temperature for 30 minutes
1 1/2 teaspoons vanilla
3/4 cup whole milk

  • Sift together flour, baking powder, and salt into a bowl.
  • Instruct assistant to butter and flour cake pans. Assistant will acquiesce.
  • In separate bowl, beat butter and sugar together for three to five minutes until light and fluffy. Instruct assistant to ready three eggs.
  • Assistant will ask why five eggs are missing from carton. Tell her they came like that.
  • Add in eggs, one by one, then add vanilla. Beat for three minutes.
  • Assistant will inquire about egg-coloured residue on kitchen floor. Feign ignorance. Wish assistant didn’t ask so many damn questions.
  • Combine flour mixture and egg mixture.
  • Phone will ring. Curse loudly. Ask assistant to answer.
  • Remember phone is in pocket of your pants.
  • Blush profusely. Assistant will help with this.
  • Assistant will quietly flail around then somehow fish phone out of your pocket without touching you in any way. Feel odd mix of relief and disappointment.
  • Phone call will be from two cooking senpai, mourning their failed cake. Floppy-haired senpai will have informed them of your efforts. They will offer to come and help.
  • DO NOT ALLOW THIS TO HAPPEN.
  • Assistant will dissuade them while you pour batter in cake pans.
  • Put pans in oven as assistant hangs up.



Step 3: Baking

  • Stand awkwardly in kitchen with assistant for 25 minutes, looking everywhere but at each other.




Step 4: Icing the Cake


Ingredients:
2 cups confectioners’ sugar, sift before measuring
1 1/2 tablespoons butter, soft
1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract
1/4 teaspoon salt
3 to 4 tablespoons milk
Blue food colouring
Assorted decorations, candles, liquorice

  • Remove cake pans from oven. Extract cake. Allow to cool.
  • Decide to construct elaborate calligraphic representation of Senpai’s name from liquorice.
  • Tell assistant to mix all non-decorative ingredients in bowl.
  • Bend liquorice into required kanji. Everything will look like a squiggle. Curse.
  • Instruct assistant to apply icing to cake, while debating whether to just make Senpai’s name out of cardboard and black marker and hope no-one eats it.
  • Who eats cake decorations, anyway?
  • Remember sparkly blond is coming to party. Curse again.
  • Look up. Assistant will somehow have blue icing on her chin, nose, and left ear.
  • Wonder briefly if she stuck her face in the bowl, because how the hell else would that happen?
  • Realize that is not much like assistant. Also realize you should tell her before she goes home, looks in mirror, later kicks your ass for saying nothing.
  • Decide to take action! You are a manly man!
  • Silently panic.
  • Call assistant over. Reach down and wipe icing off her nose. Assistant will stammer and jerk back.
  • Apologize profusely. Explain situation. Assistant will try to clean off icing herself and exacerbate problem.
  • Wipe icing off assistant’s chin while she is distracted. Notice that her skin is really nice. Soft, y’know?
  • Realize that’s creepy. Blush. Assistant will have frozen in place.
  • Wipe icing off assistant’s ear. Notice again how nice it feels. Accidentally stroke her hair at the same time.
  • Wonder what the hell’s wrong with you, you creepy bastard.
  • Assistant will look up at you, wide-eyed. Assistant has range of approximately three different expressions. You will be unable to tell if she’s confused, scared, or about to kick you in the nuts.

 

Ingredients:
A ton of courage

  • Decide that it doesn’t matter anyway, dammit.
  • Lean down and kiss assistant.
  • YES YOU ARE ONE HELL OF A MAN \o/
  • Assistant will pull back, flustered - then immediately turn away.
  • Wonder if all this was a bad idea.
  • Assistant will climb and sit on kitchen counter, cancelling out height difference, and kiss you back.
  • Realize all this was an awesome idea.
  • Cake will be finished an hour late and mother will find you and assistant in kitchen, covered in both blue icing and a suspicious red blush - but day will be a success. Victory!