Chapter Text
Oh, baby, I am a wreck when I’m without you
I need you here to stay
Line Without a Hook - Ricky Montgomery (2016)
“Yamaguchi! There’s a rumour going around that you came out as bisexual, is it true? ‘Cause that’s so cool- “
“What are you, a bird fluttering around other people’s business? Go away before I actually send you flying.” said Tsukishima, stepping between Yamaguchi and the random guy that had approached them at the school entrance.
The boy looked at him shocked, stepping back before turning around and walking in the direction he had come.
“What do you think you’re doing? You can’t just go around scaring people away!” said Yamaguchi, still in disbelief for what had happened.
“He was being mean to you!”
“Or maybe he was going to tell me how brave I am for coming out. Wouldn’t be the first one to do it, this girl in my English class told me her sister is bisexual too.” said Yamaguchi, like it was obvious.
“Wait, actually?”
Yamaguchi stayed silent for a moment. “Listen, don’t worry about it, I have cooking class first period, so I’m going to head out and you can… “
“No! I’ll walk with you.” Tsukishima grabbed Yamaguchi by the arm, cutting him mid-sentence. Yamaguchi looked at Tsukishima’s hand, and then up at his eyes, blush visible in his face. Meeting his gaze, Tsukishima blushed too, immediately letting his arm go.
Yamaguchi looked at the ground with a strange expression, somewhere between fear and sadness -although Tsukishima couldn’t guess what exactly it was that bothered Yamaguchi- and then up again at him. “Erm, nah, it’s okay, I wanted to grab some things before going, anyway. See you later!” he said, nervously. And with that, he was gone.
Tsukishima walked alone to his classroom, visiting the bathroom before. He looked at his reflection in the mirror, noticing the dark circles that were starting to grow in his face. He still wasn’t sleeping well. It’ll pass eventually, he thought, so he left the bathroom.
When he turned the corner of the aisle that led to his classroom, he saw Yamaguchi talking to another guy. He recognized him from Hinata’s class but couldn’t be bothered to know his name. He was leaning on the doorframe, talking to Yamaguchi with a confident pose; his hair was long, almost reaching his shoulders, and he was slightly taller than Yamaguchi. Something inside Tsukishima stirred, and he walked straight to them.
“You should come one day, I bet- “
“Hey Yamaguchi, weren’t you heading for class?” said Tsukishima, placing his hand in one of Yamaguchi’s shoulders, “or am I, interrupting something?” he said, as he raised an eyebrow, looking sharply at the boy in front of him.
“Not really, don’t worry man” said the boy, as he removed his arm from the doorframe awkwardly, “I need to get going anyways. See you later, Tadashi.”
Tadashi. Since when does Yamaguchi let anyone call him by his name? Even Tsukishima calls him by his surname. Are they that close?
“Yeah, sure, bye.” said Yamaguchi, waving his hand at the boy.
When the boy was gone, Tsukishima turned to Yamaguchi, “who the fuck was that?”
“He’s just a friend! Why are you being so mean lately?” said Yamaguchi defensively, avoiding contact like he had done before they separated, “listen, I already told you, I’m okay, alright? I don’t need you scaring away every person that approaches me.”
“But he called you Tadashi.”
Yamaguchi raised his eyebrows in shock, as if he hadn’t noticed until Tsukishima had pointed it out. “Well, that’s my name, isn’t it?”
“I guess.” said Tsukishima, because he didn’t know what he was supposed to answer.
“Then I don’t know why we’re having this conversation.” At that moment, the class bell began to ring, “I need to go, don’t want to be late. See you later, Tsukki.”
Yamaguchi walked away from Tsukishima, and he was left alone once again, this time in the middle of the school corridor, and feeling more confused than before.
He’s mad at you, always ruining everything. A voice in his head told him.
But how could he be ruining anything? He was just talking to his friend, maybe even helping him with assholes trying to hurt him.
Then why is he annoyed that you showed up? If he wanted you there, he wouldn’t walk away.
He’s just shy, that’s all. You know Yamaguchi.
Before he could end his discussion with himself, the class bell rang again, indicating he was late, so he rushed to the classroom’s door, pushing his thoughts behind. He could deal with everything later, maybe let things cool down was the best. He just needed to wait.
“Wanna hang out tomorrow? My mom is visiting Akiteru for the weekend but I’m staying to-”
“Can’t, sorry Tsukki.”
This had become a frequent scenario the last two weeks. For some reason, Yamaguchi was always busy, either with a sudden dentist appointment, or his mum wanting him to go grocery shopping with her, or Yamaguchi needing to meet up with some classmate to finish a school project. There was always something more important than walking home or watching a movie together.
And Tsukishima was tired.
“Why? You’re always so fucking busy.” said Tsukishima, bitterly.
Yamaguchi paused, shock visible on his face for the way his best friend had talked to him, “Well, I have a life besides you, did you know?”
“But I barely see you anymore. It’s like you don’t want to spend time with me.” said Tsukishima.
“That’s not even true!” said Yamaguchi, annoyed, “We’re together at school, and have practice almost every day.”
“That’s not what I mean!” said Tsukishima. At this point, he was aware of his yelling, but he didn’t really care if his teammates heard from inside of the gym. He was pissed off. “We can’t talk in class, and there’s more people in the team. I want to hang out with you.”
“It’s been two weeks!” now, Yamaguchi was yelling too, “it’s not the end of the world!”
“I never said it was! It’s not a crime I miss my best friend.”
“Neither it is that I do things other than being with you! I’ve spent years being ‘Tsukishima’s friend’ and ‘the weird kid who’s always with Tsukishima’, and when I finally get a life, you’re suddenly mad?!”
Tsukishima closed his mouth for a moment, out of words. “Alright, whatever. Live your life then.” he said, looking away from him.
“Fine.”
“Fine.”
Yamaguchi looked at him for a second, and suddenly stormed past him heading outside of the school grounds. Tsukishima stayed there, bag still in hand, looking at his feet, when he heard Yachi’s voice behind him.
“Well, that was intense.” said Yachi, with a hint of sympathy in her voice.
When Tsukishima didn’t answer, she came to his side and held his arm. “Things have been quiet tense between the two of you lately, is everything alright?”
“It’s just… I don’t know Yachi. I’ve been trying to be supportive since he, you know.” said Tsukishima.
“…Came out?”
“Yeah. And it all seems so fucking hard. It’s like I don’t know how to act around him, but it doesn’t really matter ‘cause he doesn’t seem to want to spend time with me anymore.”
“Maybe you shouldn’t try to be supportive.” said Yachi, smiling softly at him.
“What?? What does that even mean?”
“I mean that maybe Yams is worried that you feel uncomfortable around him due to him liking boys.”
Tsukishima stared at her, disbelief clear in his face, so she kept explaining. “Just don’t try too hard, be the same. Yamaguchi needs his best friend, not some ‘gay rights defender’, you know?”
So that was the problem, then. It all made perfect sense, once put into words. And Tsukishima could do that, surely. Just be normal.
“Yeah… I can try.”
“Listen, I am not trying to tell you how to manage your friendships. I just think you should talk to him, sort out this silly argument.” said Yachi.
“You’re not as dumb as you look.” said Tsukishima, sarcastically.
“Hey! If it weren’t for me, you lot would already be dead.”
“Alright, alright. Thank you, Yachi.”
Yachi returned inside the gym, and Tsukishima resumed his way outside the school. Maybe Yachi was right, and he was overreacting.
When he got home, he went straight to his bedroom, ignoring the dinner his mother had left for him. He got under the covers, put on his headphones and chose a song; Bowie could work. He had been listening to him since he was in middle school, because he read a book once where the main character loved him, so he loved him too. Bowie always managed to help him forget and relax in the darkness of his room, and that was probably what he needed at the moment.
Another song played, and another, and by the time he ran out of songs, he had already fallen asleep, with Bowie's voice singing to him.
When you climb to the top of the mountain
Look out over the sea
Think about the places, perhaps, where a young man could be
Then you jump back down to the rooftops
Look out over the town
Think about all of the strange things circulating 'round
It ain't easy, it ain't easy
It ain't easy - David Bowie (1972)