Chapter Text
Garak was surprised when he heard his chime. His body was still tense and wound tight from the whole ordeal of the last 26 hours. Aliens. Who would have thought? But even with a logical explanation… no, he couldn’t shake what had happened.
He walked to the door to press the control open himself. It was obviously Julian but he no longer knew how to deal with him. He’d dropped Tain’s name as if it held no value, directly to a Starfleet officer. He could only hope that, in his distress, Julian wouldn’t remember.
When Garak opened the door, his shoulders dropped at the sight of the man in front of him. Dark circles, crumpled uniform, hair that had been run through too many times. How could he turn him away?
Garak stepped aside to allow him in.
Julian stood in the middle of Garak’s quarters, realizing this was the first time he’d taken a proper look at it. Minimal, clinical. A small frown formed between his brows as he wondered why they’d never had one of their meetings here before.
His thoughts were interrupted as Garak took him gently by the elbow and led him to the small sofa where they had sat together before.
They sat in utter silence, each trapped in the relentless storm of their private misery. Yet Garak could not have guessed the first words out of Julian’s mouth.
“Who’s Tain?” he asked, his tired face suddenly painted with unusual intensity.
Garak closed his eyes for a moment in dread.
“It doesn’t matter,” he finally replied.
“You seemed very concerned,” Julian pressed.
Garak turned to him, his face tense, his eyes shifting from sadness to coldness.
“And you? Who did you see from your past that left you practically catatonic?”
Julian was thrown aback by the sudden aggression and the realization of what he could not share. “I—I…” His gaze fell in shame.
“That’s what I thought.” Garak narrowed his eyes, then sighed deeply in resignation. “Everyone has a secret, my dear.” He said those last words with bitterness. Though it was directed at himself, it found a mark in Julian, who flinched.
Julian looked up at Garak, fear in his eyes. Garak could practically smell it. What was the dear doctor hiding? His head tilted as he took Julian in, studying him.
“No… no… I shouldn’t have asked. You are right.” Julian cupped Garak’s face. “Please forget what I said.” He leaned forward, pressing their foreheads together, seeking the tenderness he’d felt earlier in Garak’s arms.
Garak closed his eyes, inhaling Julian’s scent, allowing himself a moment of indulgence as he gathered his strength. His hands tightened on Julian’s arms before sliding up his forearms to clasp his hands, lingering for a beat before he gently pulled away.
“Julian.”
The tone startled Julian, snapping him to attention.
“We can’t. Not anymore.”
“What? Why?” His voice rose, tinged with panic.
Garak simply stared.
“It’s hard to accept if you don’t give me a reason,” Julian said, petulantly.
Garak let out a hollow laugh. “I don’t need to justify myself to you. I don’t owe you a reason. No more than you owe me your truth.”
Julian swallowed, finally understanding what was happening. Who he was with.
What would Garak do if he knew?
Julian got up. “You’re right…” His voice cracked. “It… I… I’ll see you around,” he said as he slowly backed toward the door. He stopped for a moment, taking in the place and the man within it before he sighed and walked out.
Please… Stay…
Garak didn’t want to push him away. He wanted to beg him to stay but not having him was better than losing him forever. Julian was a precious thing, but so fragile, so gullible. No, no, he could not risk it. Because the man who had taken Cardassia away could also take Julian. He would never forgive himself because he knew all too well how easily things could be snapped away.
He’d been right. When this all started he’d known he would end up hurting Julian. But he’d let his desires and hopes talk him over. And now… now he had nothing.
Julian stormed back to his quarters, barely holding back the tears that threatened to spill. Another good thing wrecked, all because of who he was.
With a growl, he slammed his fist into a wall, making a dent and splitting the skin on his knuckles. The sharp sting barely registered as he slid down, sinking onto the cold floor and pressing his side against the wall, curling up on himself.
He would never be free to be himself, live his life without fear… and love whomever. He’d done his own fair share of pushing people away for his protection, but now he knew how it felt to be pushed away himself.
He closed his eyes and pressed his injured hand against his chest, letting the physical pain dull the ache inside. He had lived in secret for so long, he’d convinced himself it was possible to compartmentalize it forever. But there was just something about Garak that made him realize he longed for something impossible—someone who knew him completely and accepted him not in spite of it, but because of it. He wanted that as much as he wanted to know Garak.
Julian sat there for what felt like hours, the silence of his quarters pressing down around him, his mind repeating Garak’s words—everyone has a secret. The memory stung, and he shivered, suddenly feeling more alone than he ever had. Like he’d lost something indescribable.
Tain. Who was that?
He was curious but he knew better than to stick his nose where it didn’t belong. He knew that Garak’s secrets by nature probably ran deeper than his own. Secrets he wasn’t sure he should touch. His own dreams and wishes didn’t matter. They were both prisoners of their pasts. And that would never change.
He pulled himself up, his knuckles still bleeding, and walked to his bed hoping that sleep would bring some relief. But as he lay there in the darkness, Garak haunted his dreams, now an unreachable desire.
Time passed—days, then weeks. Realizing he had never deleted Quinder during the whirlwind romance with Garak, he started going on dates, trying to distract himself. He knew it wasn’t fair to the people he met, but he needed companionship. The one he wanted it from most, however, was avoiding him.
So be it.
Yet it all came crashing down when he got a call in the infirmary from Quark.