Chapter Text
With that final thought, I opened my eyes, content, yet there was still a feeling deep down inside my core that I couldn’t explain. Obviously not everything is perfect… yet… but call it a gut feeling if you will; I feel that things are only going to be turned up from here. Everything will improve. I just know it.
A hand running through my hair made me jump. I had completely forgotten where I was. HOW. THE. HELL. How had I forgotten about Death… the Death? Honestly, I have no idea, it’s not something one would usually forget. However, it seems like Potter Luck strikes again. What a depressing thought. But here I am, and that’s all that matters. For now, at least. And all I know is that at this moment, I am feeling the most comfort I have ever experienced. This is the most comfort anyone has ever given me, bar a select few, I guess.
Physical touch that doesn’t hurt me is one of a first. Once again, another depressing thought. I think I need some help at this point. But now that I think of it, everyone who had touched me in the past had either created burning sensations which gradually spread throughout my skull, or had been kind to me, only to ruin me later, showcasing it had been false hope, forceful.
But then I remembered the times when people had actually meant it. Not to hurt me, but to stand up for me, to offer me support. Granted it didn’t occur often, but that doesn’t matter, all that matters is that it did occur at some point. And that’s something. Luna, Neville, the twins, Sirius; they were all people who were true to me. People who haven’t ended up as lying, backstabbing traitors like the rest of the people I once called my friends.
There was that time Luna gently touched my hand that night after I had just lost Sirius. That one movement showcased more support than any of my ‘friends’ comfort words supposedly did.
She wasn’t forcing herself on me, telling me to get over it as I barely knew him. No, she wasn’t like the rest. She just offered silent support, ready for me to fall back on if I ever need it. And for that, I am thankful. Another example of the rare touches I got was from Sirius, the person who countlessly reached out, double checking, before outstretching his arms and pulling me into a tight, wholehearted hug.
Neville, the twins, there were so so so many times they had cautiously wrapped me into a silent embrace, slowly offering comfort. This was something I had experienced so many times I can’t even pinpoint one specific moment.
A thought suddenly struck me like lightning. “Hey!” I called, probably a bit louder than intended, as I looked up at the cloaked figure that is Death, but I couldn’t help it. If Death managed to do this, it would make my whole year. It would make my whole life.
Although, I do know it is a big ask, but what do they say; nothing ventured nothing earned. So here goes nothing…
Before I begin my word spill, I pause, trying to control my racing heart. Any second now and I could begin hyperventilating. I don’t know how I will react if the answer was a no.
“Can you—" I hesitated, stopping to swallow the lump which got caught up in my throat. Perhaps I was just procrastinating, putting it off until I absolutely had to ask. But that was right now. The mere thought that I might see them again, my friends, was enough to calm myself down a little bit. A little bit, mind you. “Can you bring them here? My friends. It’s not like I want much, just… just not to be alone anymore, I’m bored out of my mind. You must understand.”
The words continued to table out of my mouth, with no way to stop them or my embarrassment. It was as if I wasn’t even thinking anymore, just speaking. Just blurting out the first thing that came to mind. "I know they’d come, they would. The twins, they took a vow, didn’t they? So, it’s not like they could betray me or anything. There was that one line they said, ‘Even in death my heart soul and magic is yours, so surely that means something. And Neville, Luna, please they’re all I have le-left. I’m begging y-you.”
My voice crack at the end of the sentence caused an even bigger flood of embarrassment to flow through me. How had I stuffed up so bad? God no, I’m about to cry in front of Death. The Death. I’m such an idiot. What a loser he thinks I am. After everything that has been happening lately, it’s like all the emotions are flowing out all at once.
Tears streak down my cheek, flooding my face, not looking like they’re stopping any time soon. They could last for hours for all I know. I saw Death’s expression close down a little bit. I didn’t know what to expect. If I had more control of my reactions, I would have noticed how he appeared to be thinking closely about it, very closely about it, like the idea was forging; one he never saw coming. But since I didn’t, and my hormones were all over the place… well let’s just say I assumed the worst. Something I did quite often.
As he opened his thin line for a mouth to begin talking, I interrupted him once more. God, why did I do that? Looking back on it — this moment — it was then that I subconsciously realised something. He does care. He actually cares. Death didn’t curse me out, hit me, or even give me a disappointed look. He just listened, taking in all of my words, absorbing it. Something which many have not done. That was one tick in the trusting-of-the-mythical-God-Death box.
Without giving him a chance to cut in like I did before I spoke, gradually getting louder the more energized, I was. “You’re Death, right? So, isn’t this something that you alone can do? Surely, it’s not at all difficult. If it’s not too much to ask that is. But I’m not asking that much, only one thing. I know they’d join; they’d do anything if they could, and I… I just don’t want to be so fucking alone anymore, surely, please…”
Oh Merlin, I was spiralling now. I couldn’t stop. Each breath was coming out in a puff, a hoarse-sounding huff, just the mere thought that I might not be able to ever see them again shook me. The people who stood by me my whole life. Gone. Forever.
Before I could continue any further, Death shifted slightly and raised a hand towards me, almost hushing me. Without thinking I flinched back so hard I ended up toppling over onto the ground, landing with a loud thud. At least it took me out of my panic attack.
Sensing that I was done panicking, Death slowly came up to me, leaning over my body, and giving me a soft tug so that I am sitting on his lap, facing his front.
"Of course, little master,” he said, voice calm and certain; there was none of that contemplation look I saw before. And for that, I couldn’t be any more grateful. “I understand how much they mean to you; I’ve been watching you all your life, little master, I know your heart better than anyone else, and I assure you... it can be done. I will make sure of it, just for you. You have been worthy to me all along so I will remain worthy to you, my master. My good friends Chaos and Time and Fate may not immediately agree, but they will come along. I will ensure it.”
If I’m being completely honest with myself, it took way longer than I would have liked for that to sink in. My friends, I get to see my friends. This is all I wanted, all I needed, and it was actually going to happen. I couldn’t be more excited. And Death is going behind the others back, and without the permission of Time, Fate, and Chaos, to grant my wishes.
But who the hell are they anyway? Time, Fate, Chaos; they all sounded like behaviours or objects, nothing more. But the way Death was speaking about them, I had to assume they were more. A lot more.
Are they representatives of like God or something like in Greek mythology? I had been forced to read about that a while ago from Her- Granger, she got into one of her moods, but honestly even at the moment it still felt fresh in my mind.
If so, it’s at times like this when I wish I could see the Dursleys. For at least a few minutes… or hours. I know right, never thought I would say that. But the look on their face, realising that their whole life is a lie. Their beliefs, everything they believed in. God, or whatever higher power they believed in isn’t real. Whoopty doo! It would be priceless.
After all this time of ‘trying to beat the demon out of me,’ just to figure out that there was no such thing as the God they pray to each night and constantly go to Church for. Oh, to be the one to announce the news.
The irony; absolutely beautiful. Stunning.
And I have Death to thank for it. Thanks Death! With that in mind, before I could change my mind, I threw my hands around his shoulders in a tight embrace and buried my face in his chest. His scent was strange, it was almost as if he didn’t have one, but it was extremely strong at the same time. It even smelt like death… if that makes sense. But not only Death, it felt safe, like home.
It was awkward, to say the least. The stiff way Death's body responded made me hesitate, unsure of how long I was supposed to stay there. Was I even allowed to hug him? It felt long. Was I supposed to hold on longer? Was it weird that I had initiated this? Maybe it was a bad idea. God, what was I thinking!? Wait God, or God’s? My heart hammered in my chest, my mind racing with all the things I’d never considered. I had never instigated a hug before—never been the one to reach out. They had always come to me. Not that it was real. Well, some, perhaps. Who even knows anymore. But this was so new and so terrifying.
I panicked slightly, my arms growing heavier as I wondered if I should pull away. But they were almost stiff, for some reason, I couldn’t bring myself to remove them. Was I pushing too far? But then, something shifted. A warmth, almost imperceptible at first, but there, it was still there, and that was something. Death's arms slowly wrapped around me in return, the embrace becoming mutual. A warm fluttery feeling gushed over me, covering me in comfort. And suddenly, it wasn’t awkward anymore. The tension in my chest melted, and I realised I wasn’t the only one who had needed this. How had I never thought about this before? He was lonely too.
Death, a divine being who had most likely not had any human reaction, something mortals were terrified of for centuries. Granted I didn’t know that, he could just not like hugs. That was a possibility. But from the way he just melted into it with me, I knew it was different. That would tell me otherwise.
Now this, this was what it felt like to be safe, loved even. Something that was very rare in my life.
But then the rest of what Death said finally settled in. That was the whole reason of this after all. My Friends, family; I can see them again, even if only for a fleeting moment, I will finally get to say a proper thank you and goodbye. It was going to be an emotional time.
With that, I jumped out of Death’s lap so suddenly that I ended up on the ground. Again. Whoops… Although that wasn’t the most embarrassing thing that had occurred today, it was still monumental compared to, let’s say, yesterday.
ANYWAY, moving on. I couldn’t keep it in any longer, the words which had threatened to spill out from the start finally began, I couldn’t stop. Help me! “Holy shit, man, I can’t believe this is actually going to happen! Thank you, thank you, thank you!” I was about to drop to my knees. Nope, keep yourself together. My mind was still spinning; that was until I realised what I said and quickly backtracked. God, I was so informal. “Not that I thought it impossible, nothing is impossible for you, I mean you are Death after all, you’re great, you can do anything, right?” The sudden voice crack at the end would be the death of me (*get it* ok, sorry), but I still couldn’t help myself from trailing off after I saw the amused look Death was sprouting. I wasn’t trying to be funny… kinda hurt.
As long as his look of amusement stayed and didn’t morph into offense, I would be all good. Hopefully. “I know you probably hear this all the time, or maybe you don’t, I don’t really know how many people actually get to talk to you like this-” oh shit, there was the offended look. The one thing I wasn’t praying for. I quickly tried to fix it. “But really, I... I can’t put into words what this means to me! My friends, real friends, after everything, after all we’ve been through… I didn’t get to say goodbye, it was all so sudden, I didn’t get to tell them what they meant to me. And now, now you’re giving me the chance to—to just... to see them again, to tell them how much I owe them, and how much I miss them every single day. You have no idea how grateful I am.”
Annnnnd… now his face has turned sappy. I don’t know what to think of it. My inner term roll was running wild, how the hell does Death look sappy? Was that even possible? Well, obviously. And all because of me. Damn, who in the world would ever be able to say that they made Death, the Death, turn sappy? Aha, me.
ANNNNNNND, it gone again. Damn. Now, instead, it’s a fond and exasperated look. How many emotions did this guy have!? Why is his face both fond and exasperated though? Was there a reason? Oh, shit, my mind stuttered to a stop, remembering a key fact, a very very important fact. This is Death, and clearly Death can read minds. Oh god, what have I done?
Even now, I was rambling inside my head. I couldn’t stop. What if I said too much? I had said too much. I was saying too much! STOP! With the sudden conscious thought of Death’s ability to read minds, questions were threatening to spill. Question upon question, they wouldn’t stop. And then there were sudden words that popped into my head. But I could barely understand why.
Ranging from thankyouthankyouthanks, all the way to, holyshitwhatifiaccidentallythinkofsomethingimnotsupposedto. But honestly, I didn’t care. What was the point anymore? He probably already knew everything about me anyway. There was this rush, this flood of emotions, I hadn’t felt in years. Gratitude, joy, relief—things that had been buried under the weight of grief, guilt, and loneliness.
Death, still holding that eerie calmness charade about him, watched me closely, the corners of his mouth lifting slightly in what might have been a smile—or maybe just amusement at my desperate babbling. Did that prove that he could hear me? Either way, I didn’t care. All I needed was for this to be real. It just had to.
“When?” I asked again, quieter this time, barely a whisper as the excitement finally simmered into something more tender, more desperate. “When can I see them? Will it be soon?”
That’s when the biggest smile I had never expected contaminated Death’s face, it was almost contagious. Although the next thought is contradicting in its own, his smile radiated like the sun, like life. Was this a hidden part of Death?
His next words surprised me more than I thought “Look behind you, Little Master.” With that, I spun around, not waiting a second. Not even a millisecond. All I needed was to see them, have proof that this is all real and not a figment of my imagination.
The next thing I knew, I felt as if I was about to cry. There were so many emotions flooding through the mind, I couldn’t stop them. Memories of the fun times we had together played on repeat. I blinked hard, fighting back the tears that so willingly wanted to pour out. Was this fake? Was I dreaming? If they were really here, it would make my day. I wanted to jump in celebration, and to let it all out, but I couldn’t, I couldn’t be seen as weak. Especially not in front of the people who stood in front of me.
I had my doubts to begin with. Part of me believed Death was not even real and was a figment of torture whose only job was to get my hopes up, only agreeing to please me to make me accept him. In all honesty, I think majority of me was hesitant. I didn’t want to believe him. I didn’t want to be disappointed again. And again. All my life I have been disappointed. I wanted to know, believe that he was different. I know he wasn’t like them. But I was so used to it I guess it was just a bit of a habit. I couldn’t help it.
But they were there, standing proud and tall. All four of them, the people I trusted most in my life, alive. Alive? I guess not really. Somebody pinch me. Surely, I was dreaming. Wait, maybe this was actually a nightmare, why else would they be back here if not to torment me. Was it really them? Was this true? I wanted to reach out and touch them. Just so I knew for sure that this was real. But that was weird, wasn’t it? What if it wasn’t them, and I was letting whoever organised this get the best of me?
I stood there for a while, just staring at my friends. Not a single word came to mind. It’s all fake; I tried to tell myself. But at the same time, I knew, I knew it wasn’t and the truth was, I was way too shocked to open my mouth. I think they were too. We just stood there in an awkward silence for a moment. Had they just been flung here with no warning whatsoever? Or had they known? Had Death approached them and asked first? Were they truly that loyal?
NO, stop, I know they are. They had to be. Ugh, there were so many questions I needed to ask, but I had no idea where to start… so as usual, I remained silent. Eerily silent.
But I couldn’t just wait here. So, I decided to rip the bandage off. I took a step forward, contemplating what to say or what to do. This all felt so surreal. I still couldn’t wrap my head around it. Why? Was this even real? “H-hey,” I squeaked, barely letting anything out; it’s as if all my words were taken from me. Did I still have a tongue? God, this was so embarrassing. Maybe I should just ask Death to send them back. It would be easier, wouldn’t it? Those thoughts continued racing through my head, but I knew, I knew it wasn’t, wouldn’t be. I needed them.
“Wow, Harrkins, we almost didn’t recognise you!” Fred spoke up, shaking my hand vigorously until it almost fell off. What the hell was that about? And didn’t I only see him like a few hou-, wait how long has it been? Is time even relevant here? All this is getting too confusing. But then I remembered what he said. I changed? I hadn’t changed that much, had I? Or maybe I had.
I mean… apart from my hair, ears, face, body- okay, yeah, a lot had changed. When the fuck did any of this occur? Without a conscious thought, I wished for a mirror, and to my surprise it actually popped in front of me. WHAT? I thought I couldn’t use magic in here. Wait, was that Death looking inside my mind again? I was about to continue ranting in my head when I finally got a look at myself in the mirror. If I was being completely honest, I wasn’t in control of my own reactions in that moment. So, if anyone heard a squeak and a whimper… no they didn’t. Phew.
I was finally rid of those nerdy black spectacles, thanks to Death. I couldn’t be more grateful. My hair had definitely had a makeover. It looked nothing like the bird’s nest that previously covered my head. If anything, it looked more like Sirius’ hair had, minus the length. But I had to admit, it was still longer than it used to be. The silky locks now ran well past my ears, with one white strand hanging down the side near my eye. How did I never notice that? Oh, dear God, I WAS OLD!
I continue looking at my body, noticing that almost everything is different; my ears look smaller, more petite. Merlin, I can picture it right now; the earring I had always wished for, but the Dursleys never let me have. On my right ear dangling straight down, would be a small thick black and silver cross. Just picture it. Although I’m not Christian, the idea of a cross has always stood out to me.
Anyway, my jawline… now that is something we need to talk about. It was narrower and more refined, and on top of that, I had grown a few inches! I was still quite short and scrawny, petite even, but man, I was happy with the changes. But that didn’t mean I was completely unrecognisable. Surely?
I watched George wander around, his head tilting ever so slightly at the cold white room. He was confused. I don’t blame him. Anyone who was mysteriously teleported to an empty box with never ending white walls should be shocked, stunned even. Even I didn’t know the exact location; I just assumed it was somewhere away from the mortal world. Far away. Why else would Death be here?
He stopped beside his twin and looked directly into Fred’s eyes. The next thing I knew, they both had that look in their eyes; the look was obvious, they were about to say something. Probably something inappropriate for the state of things. They always did, it was just something they couldn’t control. But I couldn’t deny it, it definitely did lighten the mood. Usually. “Blimey, that thing’s got more wrinkles than Dumblefuck ever had!”
Of course… I immediately slapped my hand over my face. God, this was not the first impression I was hoping for. But no doubt, it showed them… and their personality. Oh god, what did Death think? Would they be sent back now? Would they be tortured? Was Death insulted? I couldn’t read his emotions, they were blank, but at the same time I could sense a flicker of amusement. Or was that outrage? I didn’t know, but I did know one thing. I needed to do damage control. “Sorr-” I began but was quickly interrupted by a long bony finger covering my half-open mouth.
A booming voice echoed the shallow room, flushing my hair back, it was like it was radiating, commanding the presence and attention of all those around. “I, Death, have summoned you four mortals on a request by Little Master. From now on, you will answer to him. Anyone who does not wish to oblige shall perish.” I blinked, hard. Merlin, that took a turn. A dark turn. I turned slightly to face my friends, praying they weren’t scared out of their skin. I winced at their reactions. Please, please don’t have second thoughts.
Both Fred and George’s jaws were touching the floor. Perhaps they were regretting ever opening their mouths. But for some reason, I doubted it; if I knew them enough, which I did, I would guarantee you they were cheering and celebrating about their ability to actually meet Death in the flesh. And just then, as if proving my point, they both bowed low to the ground. “Sir, yes, sir!” they both said as if they were saluting a lieutenant in the army.
Death raised his thin line of an eyebrow, and to my surprise, lowered his head back. Why the hell would he do that? Is he not annoyed at them? They basically made dun of his position. AS DEATH? I’m sorry? Keep yourself together, Harry. No, Hadrian… help, what do I call myself!? IDENTITY CRISIS. I was snapped out of these thoughts when Death appeared directly in front of me, “Little Master, control your others.” It was almost as if he rolled his eyes. Control your others, what was the supposed to mean? My others? Where did that come from?
“WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON!?” A rather familiar voice exploded, shooting pain through my ears. That was loud, it had been mainly silent in this room bar a few remarks. Yep, of course it was Neville, always the one to jump into it. “Harry? But you died, no, no, no, this is a dream! WAKE UP, WAKE UP, WAKE UP!!!” He began aggressively pinching himself to the point I had to rip his hands away from his body.
OH man, he died way before. Does he not remember it? Surely, he knows what’s going on in the world. Wait, what happens to people when they die though? That’s the real question, isn’t it? And then Luna, she was here too. Kind of. She looked like she was in a daze, staring off into the abyss. Did she even realise where she was? Her head was tilted slightly like a puppy, dreaming of bones and kibble. She glided towards me, a large smile spreading between her cheeks. “Hello, Harry, or do you prefer Hadrian?” Her voice was just as high-pitched as always; so distinct, so unique.
Hadrian? Was that my real name? This is the one question I had asked way too many times, and yet I still didn’t have a definite answer. Asking as such came with an answer I didn’t expect, “just one of many.”
What the hell was that supposed to mean? What was with everyone saying things that make absolutely no sense? Or was I just going crazy?
Each second that was spend in a stunned silence felt like pressure was constantly put down on our chests. Not mine specifically, but even just looking at Luna, Neville, and the twins, I could tell they were confused, worried even. But I don’t blame them.
I can just picture the thoughts running though their heads: “I thought everyone here died???” “Who the hell is beside Harry???” “WHO- WHAT IS THAT THING!?” “WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING?” “Everything is happening as it should, it’s quite obvious.” And finally, the one question I want answered “Why did Luna call him Hadrian?”
“Okay, okay, wow… one question at a time guys!” At this point, we would be here all night. Day maybe? Heck, it’d be Christmas by the time everything is explained. And it was only August. Whatever.
Neville was the first to speak up, but instead of blurting out a question of no relation, like I thought he would, he ran straight at me. Like a bull. Caught off guard, I stood stock-still, not moving an inch. Not wanting to move an inch. It took me longer than I thought to realise this was a hug and not an attack. God, I feel so stupid.
Despite the fact that I could barely breath from the embrace, I melted into it, finding comfort for the first time in a while. This is Neville, one of the people who have always stood by my side. Even though, the entire time I couldn’t help but feel slightly self-conscious.
I could feel the eery glares Death shot at me every now and then. Why though? At this point, I couldn’t tell if he was disgusted or surprised at my close relationship with these people. I thought he had known that they were my everything; I mean I had known them most of my life after all, how could he not?
I looked over at Fred and George, noticing they were hosting a secret staring contest with Death. Although, it wasn’t so secret now that I think about it, it’s like they were trying to kill him with their eyes. But they would no doubt lose; Death barely ever blinked. That’s such a typical Fred and George thing though. I do wonder why though? What has Death done?
With that in mind, I looked up at Neville, noticing how his lip trembled. Oh god, I’ve never been the emotional type, he should know this by now. If he cries, then I cry, then we all cry. It’s just how it works. “We all missed you, Harry.” Oh, he wasn’t crying then, good. By now, the twins started to make their way over to me too, nodding their head in agreement.
“Yeah, you gave us a right good scare there, mate. Thought we’d never see you again, we did.” They really do care. But still, I couldn’t help but show a flicker of sympathy through my smile, something I didn’t usually do. Eugh, emotions. “Well, here I am,” I said, freeing myself from Neville and opening my arms out wide to the others. I knew they would take it. Embrace me.
Now to the final person: Luna, she was grinning. Somehow. Why though? What does she know? “What is this place, Hadrian?” She stated it like I should somehow know the answer, and she was just waiting for me to realise it. I hated when she did that. Now that I think about it, I could swear I heard a ‘huh?’ echoing somewhere in the room. Stuck in a predicament, I answer honestly, “uh, about that, I actually have no clue,” I chuckled goofily. It wasn’t a lie; this place was a mystery for all but Death. And Luna apparently.
“Well, what’s been going on, Harry?” Fred spoke up looking intrigued, I mean it wasn’t everyday people randomly teleported to a room with their dead comrades. Before I could even utter a word, Luna immediately snapped at him, “It’s Hadrian!” like that one word was weighing down on her conscious. I had never seen Luna so worked up; this was the first. We all looked at her, confused and slightly taken aback.
What on earth? She had changed from when I last saw her; she used to be a shy girl who barely ever spoke up. Now however, gosh. It was like she was a battle-induced warrior. Wait. We are, that’s all we were to them. Never mind that, why was she so adamant that people call me Hadrian anyway? That wasn’t my name. It wasn’t even close.
My thoughts flicked back to the question. “Oh, fine, I guess.” That was a lie, and I clearly wasn’t the only one to pick up on that. Just looking at their faces of disbelief and exasperation, I could clearly see the looks on Death’s and the twins’ faces as wells as Neville’s, respectively made me want to laugh out loud. I wasn’t fine. I was nowhere near fine. I was the opposite.
All this time sitting around doing absolutely nothing but thinking about my life that I once had was driving me mad. Bonkers. What did Death expect me to do for the time I was stuck here? Heck, that could be forever. I don’t know how he does it. Is it possible to die again? Could I kill myself and finally end it all? God, I’m getting more suicidal by the day it seems.
Oh god, Death! I had completely forgotten about him. But now that I think about it, I can quite clearly feel his eery gaze upon me, watching my every move. I felt like I was consistently being judged from the other side. Like I wasn’t supposed to be here, and I was an epiphany. I suddenly felt very uncomfortable, and very very self-conscious. I didn’t like it. This was meant to be a private moment with my friends, but I couldn’t say much with Death’s deep stare looking upon me.
But I had to try, try and explain everything that had been occurring. Both recently and back when I was a a child. But the hardships which I have come to realise in these past few days… those were the most important. But I couldn’t, no matter how hard I tried, it was as if the words were stuck in my throat, wanting, just waiting to come out. But just not yet. Now was the moment I needed to blurt everything out though. But I couldn't.
Clearly seeing how much I was struggling, Death decided to interrupt the conversation. Thank Merlin, I don’t think I could have done it myself. But then again, God, that made it awkward.
However, what came out of his mouth was something I wasn’t expecting. But at the same time, I was, because of course, it was just like Death to demand something like this from them. But yet again, it was strange to say the least.
“Stop.” That one word made everyone pause, myself included. Neville’s oncoming panic died down into a pang of nothingness, like it was never there to begin with. What. The. Fuck. I didn’t realise Death was that controlling. “Before anyone finds anything out, you two,” he paused for a while. Why, why is he pointing straight at Neville and Luna? Were they in trouble? “You, yes you, need to take the vow, the exact vow those twins did. The Vow of Survival.” Dun, dun, dunnnnn! God, that moment was so dramatic. I can just picture the music in the background.
Then what he said finally registered with me, the vow of what?
I’m going to be honest; it took me longer than it should have to clarify within my mind. Clearly I was out of it. I had been for a while, it was no secret anymore. The vow that was basically a slave bond. One that binds me to them for eternity. One that binds them to me for eternity.
No!!! I wouldn’t allow that! Not in a million years! Not ever!
Why would they even need to take that? I trust them with my life. Why wouldn’t I? The people who have stood by me for all my teenage years. The years that were truly important. But with one sharp look from Death, my thoughts came to a halt. Was I in trouble?
After a minute I realised something, it’s fine I’ll listen to him. I see where he’s coming from. At least now I do. I did have people I thought were friends my whole life just waiting to stab me in the back when I wasn’t looking. Who knows, this could be a repeat. I guess this is the best option. I mean, if they’re my friends, real friends, they would actually, do it? Right? Right?
“Vow? What vow?” I chucked a little bit at this; trust Neville to immediately question everything going on, again, in comparison to Luna who was just standing in the corner nodding her head with her wand already in hand. How did she know all of this?
Wait what? Back it up. Wand? Where on earth did, she get that? Even I didn’t have mine. Was that even possible?
Never mind, it’s probably just a Luna thing. I won’t question it further.
Before Death could even state the wording, he needed to say to explain everything, Luna interrupted, beginning the vow. How the hell did she know of it? Had she done it before? Was it a real vow, like a Master and Servant bond? Like the one in a book somewhere? I remember reading it somewhere. But I didn’t get that feeling when Fred and George did it, it sounded like they randomly made it up on the spot. Was it the same vow?
“I, Luna Pandora Lovegood, heir Lovegood, here by swear on my heart, magic, soul and life, that I shall never betray the trust of that known as Harry James Potter. Please make him my master, my trusted and my companion. Should I ever want to switch sides by my own accord, may lady magic strike me down. So, mote be it.”
Without thinking I repeated the words like last time. The exact same words.
“So, mote be it”
The feeling was back, the mind-numbing pleasure that the vow created. If this was what Voldemort felt every time, he made someone serve him, count me in.
Kidding, kind of. I’m sorry, what?
But it was brilliant, the feeling of pleasure overtook my body, making me lose control of my muscles. I dropped. Like a stack of bricks, straight to the floor, it took it all out of me. Every last bit of energy I had left. I could feel a string form between us, like there was something tugging at my very soul. And I was being pulled along for the ride.
Why didn’t the twins feel like this? Or maybe they did, and I was just too out of it to realise at the time? Or maybe I was just weak. I mean we did have a bit on at the time.
God, everything that happened, it was now the time I needed to tell them. Just thinking about that I can tell that my breathing has picked up. A lot. Oh god, I’m hyperventilating again. Shit!
My breath hitches again, it’s going too fast, becoming too shallow. I was losing oxygen. My chest felt as if I had a troll perched on my stomach, not allowing me to drag in enough air. Dots swarm in my vision, blurring it madly. I could feel my fingers start to tingle, slowly going numb. My heart races, pounding so hard it feels like it's about to burst out of my chest. Or send me into shock. I clench my hands, trying to stop the shaking, but they won't listen. They won’t obey me. It’s as if they have a mind of their own.
I want to, need to tell them what’s happening, but I just can’t. I don’t have the courage to. So much for being a Gryffindor. But luckily, I didn’t have to say anything at the moment as Neville’s voice interrupted me once again. “What in Merlin’s name was that for Luna? Why would you do that, how did you know what to say?” Damn, at this point Nevile might pass out before me. He sure seemed outraged.
Time to roll this in and explain what is going on. Can I insert a sigh here? But I couldn’t; a cold skeletal hand stops me from moving and reacting to what he said. Death. Of course. Instantly, I understand – he hasn’t taken the bond yet. God, I almost just exposed everything! That could have ended terribly. But, it’s Neville. Still…
But seriously, how do I get him to take the bond without explaining what’s going on first? Won’t he be hesitant? What if he doesn’t trust me anymore? What if he thinks I’ve changed? What if he’s changed?
“Nevile, take a minute to think, buddy…” “we know none of this is making sense…” “but surely you trust Harrikins not to lead you astray.” The twins finished what they were saying with a hard glare, begging him to say something, anything, argue against them even. At least it would be something. But trust me, you do not want to do that!
Show a flicker of fear. Trust. Understanding. Anything. Sure, but arguing with them, that definitely was not a good idea.
Neville just looked at me, and let me tell you now, that moment, that moment where the uncertainty was shown on his face… that said it all. Does he not trust me? Wow, that said something, I guess. I couldn’t believe it. Out of all the people-- But then it was gone, like it was never there, inexistant, and the only thing remaining was a deep grudging respect. Respect for me. Respect. For. Me.
It felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders, something I didn’t think I needed. He does trust me. He truly trusts me. That’s all I needed. That’s all I wanted. Although I had always known that to some degree, it’s nice to have proof. It’s nice to know he wasn’t another fake. The next words from his mouth reiterated that feeling of love and hopefulness. Oh, thank God.
“Of course, I trust you Harr-, *Cough* Luna *Cough* Hadrian. You know that right, buddy?” He finished with a look at me, judging me. Erm? The judging wasn’t necessary but here we were. I mean, of course I knew that to some degree he still trusted me, but at the same time it was difficult to cling onto that thought. Especially when the lingering thoughts at the back of my mind were telling me otherwise.
From growing up constantly being told I’m not enough, and I’m worthless, dumb and should just die. That I’m not needed in this world. That I’m not wanted in this world. That I have no purpose. That my life will always be incomplete. That I will have no future. Then heading to school where it was the same. The same exact thing I had been told my whole life. “God, you’re so dumb sometimes, Harry. When will you learn that?” “Come on, time to walk to your death…” There were many other things said by Hermione, but those were the main. Those were the phrases I remember each and every day. The most hurtful.
Nevile once again broke me off from my downward spiral. He saved me once again. Merlin it becoming a habit lately. “Fine, Fine, as long as this will help Ha-Hadrian, then sure, I’ll do it.” He took a death breath, preparing himself for the feeling he knew would accommodate the vow. The feeling he had watched the others undergo. The feeling of pleasure, and love, and most of all support. Support like a lifeline.
“I, Neville Francis Longbottom, heir Longbottom, here by swear on my heart, magic, soul and life, that I will never betray the trust of that known as Harry James Potter for as long as I live. Please make him my companion, my best friend, someone I can count on for eternity and most of all, my master. Should I ever want to switch sides by my own accord, may lady magic strike me down. I am his, and his along. So, mote be it.”
“So, mote be it,” I repeated through a shuddery breath.
Although worded a little differently, the message was the same. So was the feeling. It still had the same intent, the same purpose. Although just as strong as the first times, it felt different. Like it wasn’t the same vow. But it was, was it not? However, I couldn’t shake the feeling that this one felt more wholesome, like a gentle hug, a crease of the shoulder and Nature? Like I was standing in a forest, engulfing the scents around me, knowing I was safe and protected. It felt like home. I could hear the quiet chirping of the birds inside my head. But for some reason, I knew I was hallucinating. I knew it wasn’t real. I knew it was only a figment of my imagination, but it still filled me with warmth.
“Perfect, you all will do.” Well, that’s ominous, “You will always be the trusted companions and friends of my little Master. But before anything else, I believe it’s time to talk. Sit. Now.”
He gestured to a mat that suddenly appeared on the ground. I could almost make out a faint popping noise as it was thrust onto the ground. It was all very… domestic. Something I’m sure the others weren’t expecting by the put out looks on their faces. Was I the same?
I took a seat next to Death, crossing my legs slightly and resting my tired hands in my lap. I don’t know why I immediately chose his side, but for some reason, even around these people, the people who have my trust, I still felt safer next to him. Weird! Then I remembered something else, SHIT!
Was this the time I, we, would explain everything to them? Everything that had happened recently. Everything that had happened all throughout my life. From the Dursleys, to the betrayal. Would they agree with them. Or were they with me till the end. That was what the vow stated, but if they were already dead, could they die again? Wait, were they dead? Oh god, was I finally ready? Now that, I didn’t know the answer to.
I could feel Death’s gaze on me, just waiting for me to begin. I really didn’t want to, but I knew they needed to know, they had waited long enough now, hadn’t they? And they had done the vow, it was only fair. I owe them this much at least. I inhaled sharply, my breath catching inside my throat. I looked at Death for reassurance and was met with a blank face. I don’t know what I felt after that.
“Okay, uh-” I cleared my throat, looking around at the several sets of eyes that were so fixated on me, God, I don’t know if I can do this without breaking down. Looking back at their eyes it seemed they were about to pop out of their heads at any second. “You must be, uh, wondering what has been going on lately…” God that was lame. Of course they were, they randomly appeared in a room with Death and their dead friends. Still, I was greeted with heads nodding; they were adamant to hear the truth. I continued.
“So uhm, sorry, I don’t know how to start this, I recently found out, well it was a bit of time ago now, but recent enough-” Ughhh, I was blabbering on again. Fuck I’m so lame. Oh god, STOPP what was this nonsense coming out of my mouth? I closed my eyes briefly for a minute, wondering how I should spill the information out on them. All at once? Or slowly?
Well, it seems I didn’t have a choice, my mouth clearly has a mind of its own. “Well, the truth is, my best friends were all fakes. Which you guys probably figured out on your own; I know I’m really unobservant. Oh, Merlin I’m useless, and my girlfriend, Ginny, at the time, it was all a set up. They were working together the whole time. They were only friends with Harry Potter, the celebrity, not me Harry Potter, the boy who just needed a family. Oh my, make me stop. And-” I struggled to fight back tears that were begging to come out. They’ll probably never believe me. What if they pick them over me. They sure did seem to talk to them more than me. What if they were part of the set up too? Sure, they made the vow, but that can easily be broken. Right? Right?
“Ginny, she- she tried to poison me,” Please believe me. The last few words came out as a whisper, barely noticeable. Neville and Luna looked at each other, like they were pondering whether to believe me. I could tell. But when I thought all would fail, the twins stood up for me. Again.
Although I didn’t realise this at the time, it turns out that I was wrong. They weren’t pondering on it. They knew the whole time and were trying to tell me. Oops, look at my brain making it worse than it needed to be. Overreacting once again. How could I be so stupid?
But still, I love the twins. The people always there for me, even in the darkest times of life. And death.
“It’s true, we heard about it. Every bit of it. They were trying to poison him, our Harrikins. Our sister never loved him. Ron, Hermione, they didn’t either, they USED him.” Geroge spat out the last few words, like it was inexcusable. I couldn’t help it, I looked up at the twins, nodding slightly to communicate my thanks in a silent way, I don’t know if I could say it out loud. If I opened my mouth, I would probably start crying like a pathetic child.
But I had to continue, tell them everything. “An- And lately, I’ve been doing some thinking. Deep thinking. And well, I’ve come to realise that, now that I think about it…” Fuck I’m blabbering on again. “Everything I believed in, everything, everyone I trusted in, everything was a set up. It had to have been, or at least to some degree. I’m still not sure about Sirius. I- I don’t really want to think about it right now. But I know, I’m certain, that for my whole life, it always had been. And it wasn’t just my ex-best friends either; it was Dumbledore too. And Molly and Arthur. And Remus. And-” I almost choked as tears just so threatened to pour out of my eyes. “And my dad.”
The words wouldn’t stop at this point. I wanted to, trust me. But I couldn’t. “I ended up finding out after sitting at home, I hadn’t seen them in ages, and I guess the manipulation and the thought of what they were doing to me ended up wearing off. I wanted to give them a second chance. So, I- I ended up breaking through the fog, the fog that was clouding my mind, consuming me. It took ages, but I did it. I fought and I succeeded. And- Oh god, lots of memories were taken back from me. I could see them again. Moments I never even wanted to think about, Merlin. I didn’t even like Ginny, she fo- forced herself onto me. Spelling me. Poisoning me.”
I paused for a while, letting the information sink in. And sink in it was. They were watching me in disbelief, but not distrust. I was trying to focus some more, so I could clear my mind, I couldn’t help it. The tears were threatening to fall. “That’s not all, oh trust me, not nearly all; my vaults at Gringotts… everything, gone, stolen. Almost all the gold taken. Thanks to them. The people I thought I could trust; they just wanted my fa- fame. And they got it too.”
Luna tilted her head slightly, looking at me with half-sympathetic eyes, but at the same time something was clear. She already knew. God that ability of hers is amazing. I couldn’t explain it. “Hadrian, how did you die?” It was such a strange and unusual question; one I wasn’t expecting. One nobody was expecting. Not even death. But it was going to pop up sooner or later, her ability that is.
“The potion. They poisoned me, Ginny, they were all in on it. Well, that was part of it. It weakened me, made me unfit to continue fighting. There was a battle, you see, in Grimmauld Place.” Every second I speak, the anger comes back full force. “The place I once called home. Not just me either. Fred and Geroge were with me, we were in the middle of confronting them at the time. We ended up taking out Arthur, I guess they got mad and started fighting harder than ever. Just before we all died, the twins took the vow. And then, it was all over. Everything went blank.” Silence, louder than anything else I have ever experienced wrapped around the circle.
“They killed their own sons.” Neville was aghast, that much was clear. The twins also had a look of pure rage on their face. The face which said why they were known as the demon twins. My demon twins.
“Yes,” I was greeted with silence once again. It appeared nobody had anything to say. Not yet at least. It broke my heart to be honest. Did they not care? Is that why they weren’t talking? Do they think I deserve it? No, stop thinking like that, of course they care. They’re here aren’t they. They were probably just too shocked to speak. I mean, the twins had witnessed everything. I couldn’t believe it.
I didn’t want to have to think back on those moments any longer; the trauma they had caused me, yet here we were. It was torture, literally. I was imaging myself back there; I can feel the phantom pain from the spells. I stared at the plain white ceiling for a while, blinking back the cold, wet tears. However eventually it just became too much, I couldn’t hold it back anymore. They all came gushing out. It was as if an entire river was running out of my eyes. I tried to cover them up with my hands, but it was too much. No, please don’t let them see me like this. I don’t think I’ve ever broken down in front of anyone. Not since that one night when I was 5.
What an embarrassment I am. I couldn’t believe it. I had humiliated myself in front of my friends yet again. God, why couldn’t I keep it together anymore? I’m worthless. What were all these new emotions? It wasn’t right. I wasn’t meant to be weak. I know that its been beaten out of me. I didn’t even cry when my uncle… never mind. I’m Harry Potter for crying out loud, I literally survived the darkest Lord out there… more than once. I had survived the manipulation and betrayal. And yet, here I was, a wreck. All because of a couple stupid people I once looked up to. Though of as family.
“I’m sorry, guys… I never wanted you to see me like this. Merlin I’m useless, can’t even do anything right. I can’t do anything at all. Stupid. Stupid. STUPID!!!” After that burst of outrage, my voice trailed off slowly, getting more and more quiet until I was rocking on the floor in tears, mumbling. I couldn’t tell if it was to myself or to them.
At this point, I wouldn’t be surprised if they leave me. Like everyone else. I’m no one, I don’t matter anymore, we’re all dead anyway. Why not let them have a better afterlife? One without me. I’m just ruining it for them. I always have, and I always will.
Just then, Death stood up. I could hear a slight inhale escaping his mouth. “Alright, that’s enough. Stop.” He crouched down to my level, putting a freezing cold hand on my shoulder. I couldn’t tell if he was trying to offer me comfort or send shivers down my spine. Whatever it was, the feeling was enough to drag me back down to reality. “Little Master. That’s enough. Stop those thoughts this instance. You know it, I know you do. Those people right there,” he pointed his long, bony finger to my friends watching me with tears in their eyes. Why did they care? “They are your friends, the people who will stand by you. And deep down, wherever it is, you know that. I know you do. So enough of all that. You are perfect. If you don’t trust yourself, trust me on this, okay? Okay?”
Everyone was looking at him now. He stood there for a moment, weighing his options. As it seemed he had finally come to a decision, Death looked everyone in the eyes, not breaking the stare, one final time before looking away.
“I have an idea, a way to get revenge on those who have wronged you.” He stood looking down at me and staring right into my eyes just as he had done to the others. I suddenly felt very self-conscious. “Because you, Little Master, are the Master of Death and can have a second chance.”
What? What did he mean a second chance?