Archive of Our Own ^beta

“It’s not funny,” Chim said, rubbing viciously at the side of the ambulance, as if the smudges left behind by the greasy smoke had personally insulted him.

“I didn’t say anything,” Buck said innocently. Behind them there was the sound of someone giggling and someone hushing them up.

Chim turned around and glared, but mysteriously all the firefighters around him were bent industriously to their own task.

Buck dipped his huge sponge in the bucket of soapy water and vigorously scrubbed the side of the ladder truck, wiping away more of the clinging black soot.

“The man had a head injury,” Chim said

“The man was drunk as a skunk,” Mackay corrected.

“He wasn’t in his right mind, is my point,” Chim said doggedly.

“He tried to kiss you, Chim, so that goes without saying,” Sheena said, and now everyone was laughing.

“You’re all homophobes,” Chim accused over the laughter.

“Come on, Chim,” Buck said, wringing out a chamois and shaking its folds loose. “If it had been any of us the tattooed Nazi biker guy had tried a lip lock on, you’d have had a field day with it.”

“For days,” Mackay said from on top of the ladder.

“Weeks,” Sheena added as she strolled by.

“You’d have been stopping strangers on the street to tell them the story,” Buck said.

“You people should be ashamed of yourselves,” Chim said, throwing his sponge into the bucket and stomping away up the stairs, muttering under his breath about homophobic jackasses.

“We’re just joking, Chim,” Buck called after him. “Can’t you take a joke?”

“Firefighter BURN,” someone said.

Chim huffed indignantly as the sound of hand slaps followed him up the stairs.  “I’ll show you a joke,” he muttered under his breath.

888

Lunch was over and Eddie was taking his turn putting away dishes as Chimney laid the last one on the draining board and wiped out the sink.

“I was glad to see you and Buck getting on better,” Chim said turning and leaning back against the kitchen bench.

Eddie followed his gaze to the lounge area where Buck was sitting leaning forward, enthusiastically gesturing and talking to Hen and Marcus. They were laughing and nodding as he gesticulated.

Eddie eyed Chim, cautious as always of confiding anything personal to a colleague. He also wasn’t quite sure about Chimney Han yet. The guy sent a lot of mixed messages. He was thoroughly professional on the job, but back here at the station he struck Eddie as a bit of a gossip, and if there was one thing Eddie loathed it was being gossiped about.

“We bonded over a grenade,” Eddie said, revealing nothing Chim didn’t already know.

“Well it’s good to see anyway,” Chim said lightly, wiping his hands dry, eyes still on Buck. “The kid had a hard time settling into the job, and he’s never really had to work with a partner before. Also there’s the whole gay thing.”

Something in Eddie froze, but long practice kept him moving, stacking the dishes neatly in the cupboard the way the Captain liked. He made a noncommittal sound, already planning a fast escape.

“Well, I guess Buck might claim it’s more of a bi thing,” Chim continued confidingly. “He tried a bit too hard to to come across as a ladies man, if you know what I mean, but we figured out pretty quickly that was all a cover and that he was a complete closet case. Not that that’s an issue for us, obviously,” Chim said jovially. “Live and let live. And I guess we were all figuring ourselves out at his age, right?”

Eddie really wanted this conversation over, he hated any gossip, but this struck him as particularly inappropriate in the workplace. Plus there was something about the sly glint in Chim’s eyes that belied his sympathetic words. Wary though as always of being seen overreacting when this subject came up, Eddie tried to speak casually.

“Isn’t he living with a woman though?”

“He was,” Chim said meaningfully. “You don’t have to be a genius to figure out why she left.” He shrugged carelessly. “Besides, she was a good 20 years older than him, you know? My guess is they had more of a maternal thing going on.”

Eddie decided he had let this go on long enough, the glee in Chimney’s eyes was making him uncomfortable, and the subject was twisting his guts.

Besides, even though it was early days, Eddie considered Buck a friend already, and listening to a man who was also supposed to be Buck’s friend gossip so meanly behind his back was making him feel grubby.

“You don’t know me very well yet, Chim, but I’m a private person.” Eddie kept his voice light, but his eyes fixed firmly on Chim’s face as he closed the last kitchen cabinet door with a click. “I keep myself to myself and I try very hard not to gossip behind other people’s backs. So why don’t we draw a line under this and pretend it didn’t happen, okay?”

Something complicated crossed Chim’s face, too quickly for Eddie to decipher it. He just didn’t know this guy well enough yet to read him.

After a beat that was maybe a second too long to be credible, Chim put up both hands defensively and chuckled. “Message received,” he said jovially. “Don’t mind me, Eddie, I’m a famous gossip. No harm in it.”

“If you say so,” Eddie said evenly, nodding at the other firefighter and heading for the stairs. It was all very well telling Chim they should pretend the conversation never happened, but now it was in his head.

Buck was gay.

That place in Eddie’s gut that had twisted at Chim’s sly gossip now kindled with a slow kind of warmth.

Buck was gay. That was… interesting.

888

Hen wandered over to the kitchen and leaned against the bench, studying Chim’s satisfied face. “I know that look,” she said accusingly. “What have you been up to?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Chim said in dignified tones, then melted into a grin as Hen stared at him impassively. “Just throwing a cat among the pigeons,” he said gleefully. “While simultaneously killing two birds with one stone. Buck thinks he’s so funny, let’s see how he likes this.”

Hen followed his glance to where Eddie had disappeared down the stairs and sighed. “And Eddie? What’s he done other than be the new guy?”

Chim smirked and Hen rolled her eyes.

“What is it with you and probies?” she said disapprovingly. “Didn’t you get enough hazing when you first started the job?”

“That’s exactly why it’s my duty to give the new guys a hard time,” Chim said. “Especially ones like that, who think they’re so superior.”

Hen tossed a grape into her mouth and lifted an eyebrow. “That’s because he is superior,” she drawled.

“Sure he is. I bet the ex army guy from Texas is all about the alternate lifestyles of LA.”

Hen narrowed her eyes. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

 “I’ll never tell,” Chim said, dancing away and giving his best evil villain cackle.

“I think the toxic fumes from that truck today have addled your brain,” Hen called after him.

Chim gave her a two finger wave, leaving Hen standing by the bench, a troubled frown on her face. She wondered if she should have a word with Eddie and warn him that Chim was an idiot who loved lame jokes, but then shrugged.

Eddie was a big boy, he could take care of himself.

888

The moment the door of Abby’s apartment closed behind Carla, Eddie grabbed Buck and hugged him tightly.

“Oof,” Buck wheezed, then laughed and patted Eddie’s shoulder.

“Thank you so much,” Eddie said, pulling back and gazing into Buck’s face. “You have no idea what a weight you’ve taken off my mind.”

Buck patted him again, smiling but starting to look a little uncomfortable as the hug went on a bit too long.

Eddie became aware of that at the same moment, and carefully released Buck and stepped back. “Sorry,” he said, feeling his face flush. “I didn’t mean to grab you like that.”

Buck reached over and patted Eddie’s shoulder again. “Hey, all hugs are welcome,” he said. “Got time for another drink? Bottle of water maybe after all that talking?”

“Sounds good,” Eddie said, glad to leave his impulsive hug behind them. He flexed his writing hand theatrically. “And maybe an ice pack for the carpal tunnel from filling out that mountain of forms.”

“Red tape,” Buck said, grabbing two bottles from the fridge and leading the way into the cosy lounge area. He handed Eddie a bottle and flung himself down on the couch. “Hopefully most of it only has to be handled once.”

Eddie sat down next to Buck on the couch and stretched his legs out. “I meant what I said though. You’ve really gone above and beyond for me and Chris. I know we had a bit of a rocky start –“

“My fault,” Buck interrupted, gesturing with his bottle.

“Well you’ve more than made up for it since,” Eddie said sincerely. “I’m not sure I even remembered to thank you for calling ahead and clearing it with Cap when I had to bring Chris into the station that time.”

“You’ve had a lot on your mind,” Buck said with a smile. “But you’re welcome. I know what it’s like to be the new guy, so I really should have known better than to give you a hard time that first shift.”

Eddie took a drink of water, thinking about that for a moment. “So what was with the attitude then? I know you well enough now to know that was way out of character for you.”

Buck made a face, looking embarrassed. “Honestly? I let Chim and Hen’s teasing get to me. Even Cap, if it comes to that. My probationary year… didn’t go well.” He grimaced again. “To say the least. Chim especially got into the habit of hinting that I’d never graduate to actual firefighter, and I guess I let my own insecurities get to me.”

“I’ve noticed he likes to needle you,” Eddie said, remembering Chim whispering gossip in his ear back in Eddie’s first week on the job.

“It’s just his way,” Buck said dismissively, and Eddie took the hint and let the conversation drift to work, to Maddie’s upcoming move, to Carla and how Buck had met her.

“She just sailed through that paperwork,” Eddie said, finishing his water and rising to drop the bottle into the recycling bin. “You have no idea what a difference this is going to make in my life.” He turned and Buck was right there, leaning past him, tossing his own empty bottle into the bin.

Eddie closed his eyes as the clean, manly scent of Buck filled his nostrils. He’d been fighting his attraction for Buck ever since he found out that Buck was gay, and for just a moment this afternoon when Buck had revealed that Maddie didn’t in fact need help moving, and that he’d invited Eddie there under false pretences…

Well, for just a moment Eddie had thought that Buck was making a pass at him. And for just a moment the temptation had twisted almost unbearably in his belly.  Eddie’s heart beat faster now at the memory, and at Buck’s scent, and the blue depths of Buck’s eyes as he looked at him, his gaze turning curious and quizzical.

“Eddie?” Buck said.

“Buck,” Eddie breathed, and without another thought he caught Buck’s face in his hands and pressed a kiss to the lush lips he’d been fantasising about for weeks. They were soft under his, parting a little in a gasp that sent liquid heat pooling in Eddie’s belly. The slight rasp of his chin as Eddie deepened the kiss was so different, so exciting, Eddie could only gasp as Buck pulled away from him.

“Eddie,” Buck exclaimed, but all Eddie’s attention was on those lips, the strength of Buck’s jaw, their lower bodies so close he could feel the warmth of Buck right through his jeans.

“God I want you,” Eddie breathed, pressing another kiss to the corner of Buck’s mouth. Now his hands were on Buck’s shoulders, sliding down to that wide, firm chest.

“Eddie,” Buck said, his voice weaker as Eddie’s lips skimmed his firm jaw and applied a suckling kiss to his throat. “Eddie, we can’t,” Buck said, but his head tilted back and he moaned as Eddie pulled him closer, their bodies now pressed together from chest to thigh.

Eddie closed his eyes, head still buried in Buck’s neck, forcing himself to still. “Do you want me to stop?” he murmured, while inside he was screaming ‘please please please please’. He drew back and looked into the dazed blueness of Buck’s eyes. “Do you?”

Buck licked his lips, that blue gaze dropping to Eddie’s lips, his hips moving restlessly against Eddie’s hardness. “No,” Buck finally said, and now it was his lips on Eddie’s, and he was doing the kissing while Eddie was being kissed.

And the relief that swept through Eddie was so strong, so powerful, he didn’t think anything on earth could have stopped him from grabbing Buck’s hand and dragging him to the open shutter doors and the cool inviting dimness of the bedroom beyond.

888

Buck lay panting on his back, one hand pushing though his sweat dampened curls. “Damn,” he breathed.

Eddie’s chest rose and fell as his heart rate finally started to slow, the sweet ache of pleasure still thrumming through his body.

“I guess that’s what three months of celibacy will do to a guy,” Buck said wonderingly.

“Try two years of celibacy,” Eddie said, pressing the back of his wrist against his eyes.

“Fuck me, are you kidding?” Buck gasped, and Eddie dropped his hand and quirked a look at Buck’s appalled face. A tendril of guilt started to curl across his satisfied mind. He sat up, tugging the soft beige sheet so it covered his lower body and pooled in his lap.

“No, I’m not kidding,” he said softly.

“Well damn,” Buck said again, pushing himself into a sitting position, crossing his legs unselfconsciously, gloriously naked. “It’s a wonder we didn’t set fire to the bed.”

“I didn’t plan for that to happen,” Eddie said, looking away and trying to tamp down the fresh lust tightening his chest. “I swear I didn’t.”

“I believe you,” Buck said. “But I’ll be honest here, I had no idea you were bi. Which isn’t surprising, I guess, since you’re the most close mouthed guy I’ve ever known. I mean, how long were you at the 118 before we even found out you had a kid?”

“Not that long,” Eddie said. “I just don’t talk about myself much.”

“I guess opposites do attract then,” Buck said grinning ruefully. “Since according to everyone I know I can’t stop talking about myself.”

That open, happy grin caused the guilt to wash over Eddie again, stronger and more insistent this time. Buck was still talking. “At least I’m assuming bi?” he was saying. “Since you were married to Chris’s mother?”

“I’m still married,” Eddie blurted out, and watched with a sinking heart as the happy expression faded from Buck’s face. “I’m so sorry,” Eddie said. “I should have told you.”

Buck reached for the corner of the sheet and pulled it over his lap, fingers shaking a little. “Yeah, you should have,” he said quietly, eyes looking just over Eddie’s shoulder. Then he heaved a sigh and met Eddie’s eyes again. “Still, people in glass houses, right? Technically I’m still in a relationship with Abby, that didn’t stop me from enthusiastically dragging you into her bed.”

“I think I did the dragging,” Eddie said, not willing to get a free pass quite yet. “And Abby’s the one that’s been gone for months, the one that’s been ghosting you. I don’t think it could be considered cheating at this point.”

“Maybe,” Buck allowed. “But you’re the one who just admitted to being celibate for more than two years. No offence, Eddie, and normally this wouldn’t be any of my business at all, but seriously? Why are you still married?”

“I guess I made it your business,” Eddie said, pushing down the surge of irritation Buck’s question provoked. It was just a little too close to the questions his family had been throwing at him since Shannon left.

“I’m sorry,” Buck said, and Eddie’s gaze flew to his again, saw contrition clearly written across that expressive face. “I had no right to ask that.” He looked over his shoulder, eyes on his clothes that were scattered across the floor. “Maybe we should –“

“No, you do have the right,” Eddie said quickly. He had a sinking feeling that if Buck walked away from him now that this – whatever it was they’d just begun – would be over. And Eddie suddenly, desperately didn’t want it to be. “I owe you that much.”

Buck frowned at him, but he stopped looking like he was going to climb out of the bed and walk away. “You don’t owe me anything,” he said firmly.

“Well maybe I want to tell you. Need to tell you,” Eddie said. He twisted his hands together in his lap. “We’re still friends, aren’t we? I didn’t screw that up too, did I?”

A gentle hand touched his where they were twisted together, and Eddie met Buck’s eyes, almost reluctantly. “Of course we’re still friends,” Buck said gently. “Nothing will change that.” He squeezed Eddie’s hand for a moment then released him, sitting back and laying his own hands easily in his lap. “And you can tell me anything you need to.”

Eddie gazed at Buck, taking in the slightly swollen lips, the traces of beard burn on his throat, the blushed bruise of a love bite in the curve of his shoulder. Suddenly Eddie found himself lost for words.

“Tell me about your wife,” Buck invited. “What’s her name?”

“Shannon,” Eddie said through his tight throat. “We met in high school. We were friends for a long time before we started dating.”

“That’s the best kind of relationship, in my limited experience,” Buck said. “Go on.”

“Her parents were divorced, and Shannon lived with her dad. He kind of hated me,” Eddie said, feeling the words come a little more easily now as memories overtook him. “I sometimes think that’s why Shannon started dating me. She was a real wild child,” he explained at Buck’s inquiring glance. “Her dad was pretty strict and she spent her teenage years in a constant state of rebellion. I used to wonder if dating the half Mexican guy was maybe just one more way to thumb her nose at Trace. Her father,” Eddie added.

“Half Mexican? Really?”

“My father is Mexican, my mother comes from Swedish stock. Shannon’s family were Irish way back, so Chris has quite a mixture in him.” Eddie smiled at the thought of his kid, and Buck smiled back.

“I have no idea of my ancestry,” Buck confessed. “I thought about looking into it, but honestly, I’m not sure I care enough about my parents to find out where they came from. That’s a whole other story,” Buck said, waving his hand when Eddie lifted a curious brow. “Go on. Shannon.”

“Not much more to say,” Eddie shrugged. “I wanted out of El Paso and I saw the army as my way out. I dreamed of being stationed all over the world, you know? Bases in other countries, getting a free education, being part of something bigger than myself.”

“The army was a career for you.” Buck said. “Must have made it even tougher the way it ended.”

Eddie sighed, swiftly shutting down the unwelcome memory of gunshots, screams, explosions. “Laying in that hospital bed, all I wanted was to come home. To get to know my kid. To make things up with my wife. But then when I was home…”

Eddie sat in silence for long moments, and uncharacteristically Buck let the silence go on, waiting patiently as Eddie gathered his thoughts and braced himself for what came next.

“Everything went wrong,” Eddie finally said. “It was like my old life was a song, and I was out of tune. Everything was discordant, too loud, too much.” He swallowed hard. “I didn’t handle things well.”

“I’m no expert,” Buck said carefully. “But it sounds like PTSD to me.”

“I asked for time,” Eddie said, lost in memories. “And one morning I woke up to find Shannon had put Christopher in bed with me, and left me a four word note telling me she needed time too. Just like that she was gone.”

“You’re kidding,” Buck gasped, and Eddie came back to himself to find Buck’s appalled eyes staring into his. “She just snuck away? In the middle of the night?”

“I’ve never told anybody that before,” Eddie said. “I just told my family she’d left me. Gone to stay with her mother, who was very ill. I never told them…”

“That she ran out on you in the middle of the night like some overwrought heroine in a bad TV melodrama?” Buck said hotly. He broke off, and screwed his face up. “Sorry,” he said quickly. “Sorry. I think you just pushed one of my buttons. Abandonment issues,” he said awkwardly.

“Well you’re not wrong,” Eddie said. It was kind of freeing to say that aloud actually. “It’s not like I would have stopped her from going. It’s not like I wouldn’t have understood that she wanted to be with her mother. She’d been taking care of Christopher for so long, of course I wouldn’t have objected to her taking a break and going to her mother.”

Eddie realised that his voice had risen and that his hands were clenched into fists. He took a deep, shaky breath, a little embarrassed at showing so much emotion.

“I guess you have your share of issues too,” Buck said wryly, filling in the awkward silence as Eddie got control of himself. “Who can blame you?”

“I thought she’d come back,” Eddie confessed.

“But she never did?”

“The next time I heard anything from her was months later, through a lawyer when her mother passed away. And that’s only because Janet named Chris in her will, and left him some stuff.”

Buck frowned, looking confused. “But if you aren’t in contact, how does she arrange to see Chris?”

“She hasn’t seen Chris, Buck. Not since that night.”

Buck gaped at him. “You’re kidding?”

“Not a call. Not a letter. Not even a birthday card. That first Christmas…” Tears pricked Eddie’s eyes at the memory. “Christmas was always such a big thing for her and Chris. And I know he thought she would come home to him at Christmas.”

“You thought it too.”

Eddie shrugged. “What I thought by then didn’t matter. He cried for her, every night. For months. Do you know what that’s like? Having to comfort a five year old crying for his mommy? Having your little kid ask you if she left him because he was bad? Because he had CP?” Eddie covered his eyes with his hand and jumped when Buck’s arm suddenly circled his shoulder and tugged him closer. At that moment it wasn’t in Eddie to fight the comfort, and he burrowed his face into Buck’s neck until he could regain his control.

Finally he lifted his head and scrubbed at his wet eyes with his hand. “Sorry,” he muttered.

Buck shifted away again, but just a few inches this time.

“I think you needed that as much as you needed this,” Buck said, gesturing to the tumbled bedclothes.

Eddie gasped a half laugh, still rubbing at his hot eyes. “I think you’re right,” he confessed. “I couldn’t talk about this to my family in El Paso, god knows. And by the time I got to California I’d buried it all so deep I couldn’t even imagine talking about it to my family here. I guess I buried a lot of things,” he confessed.

“You couldn’t talk to your parents?” Buck asked carefully.

Eddie laughed again, but there was no humour in it. “Everything you say can and will be used against you,” he quoted. “My parents solution to my struggles after Shannon left was to tell me how much better off Chris would be if I just gave him to them.”

“Like a puppy,” Buck said sarcastically. He held up a hand. “Not gonna apologise for that one, even though it’s more about my own parent issues this time.”

Eddie felt his shoulders relax a little as a Buck chuckled ruefully. “Maybe we have more in common than you think,” Eddie joked back.

“Parent issues, abandonment issues, anger issues. A match made in heaven,” Buck agreed. “Which leads me back to my original question. Why the hell are you still married to her?”

Eddie felt his eyes go blank as he genuinely asked himself that question for the first time. “I guess because, like I said, at first I was hoping she’d come back,” he said again.

“And you’d have taken her back? After all that?”

“I thought I would. But now… I honestly don’t know. This is the first time I’ve admitted a lot of this to myself. Because I could forgive her for leaving me, you know? I screwed up a lot. We screwed up a lot,” he added when Buck opened his mouth to object. “We both did. So I could forgive her for a lot of what she did to me. But I think I’ve just understood something. I can’t forgive her for what she did to Chris, can I?” he said. Realisation of that fact was almost a shock to his system.

“Only you can answer that.”

Eddie closed his eyes, feeling a wash of relief easing burdens he didn’t even know he’d been carrying. “I can’t,” he whispered. “And as much as I want my little boy to have his mommy, as much as I really want that for him, how could I ever trust her again with his heart?”

“It sounds like she hasn’t even asked you to,” Buck murmured. “Has she?”

Eddie shook his head, and the room grew quiet again.

“I’m gonna break up with Abby,” Buck announced. “Apropos of nothing,” he said, grimacing when Eddie stared at him.

“Because of me?” Eddie said. “Because of this?” Now he gestured to the rumpled bed.

“Yes?” Buck said and shrugged. “Clearly ‘this’ shows I’m ready to move on, and finally admit that Abby already has.” He looked around the apartment. “Maybe I could tell people I’ve just been clinging on for the free apartment?” he said wistfully. “I wish I was the kind of person who could pretend that was true.”

“You don’t pay rent?” Eddie said, surprised.

“Abby wouldn’t hear of it when I first moved in. It was mostly just to help her get through the mess after he mother died. And then when she left, she said I’d be doing her a favour staying on. House sitting, she said.” Buck rolled his eyes. “Maybe that’s why she’s been ghosting me. Doesn’t want to lose the house sitting service.”

“Well for what it’s worth, she’s nuts to let go of you.”

Eddie watched with interest as Buck’s cheeks flushed at the compliment.

“But that doesn’t mean it wasn’t wrong of me to ignore the fact that you were in a relationship,” Eddie said, still feeling guilty. “Or to tell you I was still married.”

“So you really didn’t plan this?” Buck asked, tilting his head curiously.

“I really didn’t,” Eddie said honestly. “I can’t deny that I had a few fantasies about you, especially once I found out you were gay. But –“

“Wait, what?” Buck interrupted.

Now Eddie felt himself flushing. “Uh, yeah, sorry. I swear I don’t usually listen to gossip,” he rushed on as Buck just stared at him. “I hate that kind of thing, and when I realised that the person who told me that you were gay was just gossiping, I shut them down and walked away. But I couldn’t unhear what they said, you know?” Eddie shrugged, still feeling the creeping blush on his cheeks. “I wouldn’t have dreamt of, well… pouncing on you,” Eddie said uncomfortably. “If I hadn’t thought you might be into it.”

“Uh huh,” Buck said slowly. “So exactly when did Chimney tell you I was gay?”

Eddie stared at him, dumbfounded. “How did you know it was Chimney?”

Buck rolled his eyes. “Please. Chim’s the biggest gossip at the 118. Never tell him anything unless you want it spread to every firefighter on the shift within an hour. And every other shift within a day,” Buck said sourly.

Eddie blew out a noisy sigh. “I really do hate gossip,” he said unhappily.

“So when did he tell you?”

“Um, well, it was still my first week,” Eddie said, wondering if Buck wanted date and time. “Oh, it was the day that van collided with the freeway barrier, and the load of plastics was burning.”

Buck nodded. “Right. You were with the crew putting the fire out while I helped free the guy from the cab of the van.” Buck frowned thoughtfully for a moment and then huffed a sigh as he recalled the rest of that day.

“So because you were doing your job you missed the part where the driver – a huge drunken tattooed Nazi guy - started telling Chim he needed mouth to mouth from him personally.”

Eddie stared at him. “I guess I did.”

“I can’t remember if you were there when we were teasing Chim about it back at the station while we cleaned the ladder truck.”

“I was with Bobby going over charts when you were cleaning the truck,” Eddie recalled slowly. He covered his reddening face with one hand. “You’re not gay, are you?”

“Nope,” Buck said, popping the ‘p’. “And obviously I don’t know the life I’d be living if I were gay, but I doubt I’d be keeping it some big secret. In other words if I was gay, you and everyone else at the 118 would know about it out and proud.”

Eddie absorbed this, trying to control the expression on his face. “So you’re bi?” he ventured.

“Yeah ,” Buck confirmed with a small smirk and a glance at the rumpled bed. “And while I haven’t exactly kept that a secret, it also really hasn’t been an issue at work.” He looked thoughtful for a moment, tilting his head and blinking. “You know, now I think about it, it hasn’t really come up at all. But it’s not a secret.”

Eddie’s confused embarrassment was being crowded out now by irritation. “So why the hell would Chim tell me you were? He said you were a complete closet case, and that you and Abby had a maternal relationship.”

Buck snorted a kind of involuntary laugh and then covered his mouth with his hand. “Wow, I really did make him mad, didn’t I?” he marvelled. “One time I’m the one doing the teasing, and he comes up with a steaming pile like that? Maternal? Really?” Now Buck made a horrified face. “I don’t even want to think about where that came from. Gross.”

“Is she 20 years older than you though?” Eddie asked curiously.

Buck shrugged. “More like 12,” he corrected. “But it never made any difference to me. People are people, you know? I got to know and like her over the phone, without a clue what she even looked like, I sure didn’t care about her age.”

Eddie absorbed this, realising the way Buck treated everyone just the same was another aspect of the man he found attractive. “So Chim thought it was funny to tell me you were gay? What did he hope to achieve? Haze the new guy? Did he hope I’d say something to you and publicly embarrass us both? Or did he think I was some ex military thug who’d take offence at the idea of you being gay? Did he think to wreck our new friendship?”

“Woah, Eddie, I think you’re reading too much into this,” Buck said, waving his hands placatingly. “Chim has a reputation for hazing probies, I just thought he was giving you a free pass on that because you’re not some kid fresh out of the academy. Instead he was mad at me for teasing him and he tried to draw you into one of his lame jokes. It’s no big deal.”

“Buck,” Eddie said, nonplussed. “Come on, you know better than that. The atmosphere at the 118 is inclusive, sure, but you don’t really believe the entire LAFD is like that, do you? There are places where a ‘joke’ like that could get a guy beaten up, or worse.”

Buck bit his lip, denial still written all over his expressive face. “He didn’t mean it like that,” he said awkwardly.

“And then there’s the fact that he used his lie about you being gay like some kind of attack. Doesn’t that sound kind of homophobic?”

“No way,” Buck said more confident now. “He’s best friends with Hen, remember? She’s gay. She’s married to another woman.”

“Gay women aren’t a threat to masculinity the way gay men are,” Eddie said, and held up his hands when Buck stared at him, horrified. “I don’t believe that, obviously, but some guys do. To a certain kind of mindset gay men will always be the threat, the ‘other’, the butt of all the jokes. ‘Jokes’,” Eddie said, making air quotes around the last word again.

“Chim isn’t like that,” Buck said weakly. His shoulders slumped, and he looked so dejected that Eddie reached out and covered his hands with his. Buck looked at him sadly. “I don’t want to think he’s like that,” he murmured.

“I think you’re a better friend to him than he is to you,” Eddie said sadly. “I could be  wrong,” he said tentatively. “I hope I’m wrong. But… well. Maybe be a little careful what you confide in him, okay? You said it yourself, the man is a gossip. And gossip can turn mean really quickly sometimes.”

Buck flopped backwards on the bed and sighed. “I think I hate gossip too now,” he said miserably.

Eddie surveyed him fondly, then gave into the urge to lay down next to him on his side, one arm propping up his head. “Don’t worry about it, Buck,” Eddie said quietly. “Like I said, maybe I’m wrong. Maybe there’s nothing deeper here than some idiot with a bad sense of humour trying to make a lame point.”

“Wow,” Buck said wonderingly. “Is that really any better?”

“Well look at it this way,” Eddie said as Buck rolled over onto his side and propped his head up on his hand too. “If he hadn’t told that stupid lie, we wouldn’t be here now.”

Buck blinked thoughtfully. “True. They say living well is the best revenge, right? So having some of the hottest and most unexpected sex of my life could count as living well. Right?”

Eddie felt something melt inside him. “Hottest? Really?”

Buck reached out and stroked a gentle finger down Eddie’s cheek. “Really.”

Eddie held his breath as that long, clever finger smoothed down to his chin. He could still feel the places those fingers had gripped him as they had writhed and tumbled together in the bed. The sweet ache of the bruises those fingers had surely left on his hips and thighs.

Now Buck cupped his cheek, his thumb skimming Eddie’s lips.  

Eddie lifted a trembling hand and cupped Buck’s firm jaw. Only inches separated them in the bed, on the tangled sheets still scented from their earlier, passionate coupling. They lay side by side for long moments, quietly, each cupping the other’s cheek, gazing into each other’s eyes.

“But this can’t happen again while you’re still married,” Buck finally said. “You know that right?”

Eddie closed his eyes as Buck’s fingers stroked his cheek one more time before slipping away, and regretfully let his own hand drop.

“I know,” Eddie said hoarsely.

“I just can’t be that kind of careless guy any more,” Buck said apologetically.  The sheets rustled but Eddie kept his eyes closed as he listened to Buck get up and start gathering his clothes. “But I meant what I said.” Buck’s voice came from the open doorway. “We’re still friends. Nothing can change that.”

Eddie waited until he heard the bathroom door close before he slowly got up and got dressed.

888

The next morning Eddie was a bundle of nerves as the C shift departed and the A shift drifted in to take over. Bobby was early as always, in his office going over reports of the night before. Someone was making toast in the kitchen, the savoury smell wafting down to the garage floor below. In the locker room Eddie could see Chim and Hen and Buck all in various states of dress. Buck was sitting on the low bench, tying the laces on his shoes.

“Morning,” Eddie said to them all as he pushed through the glass doors.

“Morning,” they all chorused, Chim’s voice muffled as he pulled his LAFD t shirt over his head and tugged it down around his narrow hips.

Eddie’s eyes darted to Buck, who was now buckling the cuffs of his long sleeved uniform shirt. A collared shirt, Eddie noted with relief, that hid the love bite he himself had inflicted on the soft skin of Buck’s throat.

“We still on for tomorrow?” Buck asked and Eddie jumped.

“What?”

Buck straightened and looked at him quizzically. “Helping Maddie move furniture into her new place,” he said, one brow lifted.

“Well I am,” Chim confirmed. “As long as the free pizza and beer is still on offer.”

“There’s no such thing as a free lunch,” Hen said wryly. “Moving couches is not my idea of a fun weekend activity.”

“It’s just one couch,” Buck pointed out. “Eddie?”

“Uh, yeah,” Eddie confirmed. “Of course.”

And then Hen asked about Maddie’s new place, and Buck leaned against the lockers and chatted away as they all finished dressing and trooped out to start their shift.

It was all normal, as promised. Buck was acting like it was just another day, and he was just another colleague, and Eddie could almost feel resentful at how easy this was for the other man. Maybe it was just another day for Buck. Maybe for Buck yesterday had been just another hook up, scratching an itch, over and easily forgotten.

But as Eddie waited for Chim and Hen to proceed him through the glass doors, Buck nudged his shoulder, and smiled into his eyes. A friendly smile. A knowing smile. A smile that managed to convey that Buck was still here, he was still Eddie’s friend, but there was definitely more on the table if Eddie ever got his act together and moved on with his life.

It was a smile that did a lot of work, actually. Resentment died away and a coil of shame twisted in Eddie’s belly. Buck was just Buck after all, open and honest. It was Eddie who had kept his secrets, Eddie who was holding them back from taking that next step.

What exactly was he waiting for?

888

The next day, full of ‘free’ pizza and glad he wasn’t moving again himself any time soon, Eddie let himself in to his aunt’s house and followed the sound of laughter to the kitchen. Chris was sitting at the kitchen table with his sketch book open, pencils neatly lined up in front of him like colourful soldiers.

“Daddy!” he greeted joyfully as he always did, and Eddie gathered him up in his arms and hugged him, wondering as always at the unconditional love his little boy showered on his unworthy parents.

“Have you been a good boy for Tia Pepa, mijo?” Eddie asked, depositing him back down onto the chair.

“He’s been an angel as always,” Pepa said from her seat at the kitchen bench. She had folders and paperwork laid out in front of her, a pen in her hand.

Chris nodded enthusiastically. “We had cookies and milk,” he confided.

“After lunch,” Pepa assured him as Eddie raised a quizzical brow. “And is your friend all moved into her new place?”

“Safe and secure,” Eddie said. He tousled Chris’s hair. “Go get your backpack so we can put your stuff away, okay? We have to pick up a few things at the store on the way home.”

“I’d have kept him longer if you needed to shop,” Pepa said as Chris obediently made his way out of the room. “It’s only when I’m working that it’s a problem.”

“I know,” Eddie said. “And I appreciate how much you’ve all done for Chris and I since we got here. Carla is coming over this afternoon to meet Chris, and if they get on –“

“God willing,” Pepa interjected.

“Yeah, that,” Eddie agreed. “Then we’ll invite her to visit Abuela in the hospital with us tomorrow. Let her and Chris get to know each other.”

“Are you worried about it?”

Eddie smiled. “It’s Chris. He gets on with everyone. And Carla seems pretty wonderful. Besides, Buck recommended her. She must be good people.”

Pepa eyed him shrewdly. “You trust this Buck, eh?”

“He’s becoming a good friend,” Eddie said, heart fluttering in his chest. Eddie moved closer to the kitchen bench and lowered his voice. “I wanted to ask your advice on something actually,” he said, hoping he didn’t sound as nervous as he felt. “I wondered if you could recommend a good divorce lawyer.”

Pepa clasped her hands together in front of her. “Oh, gracias a Dios,” she said devoutly.

Eddie huffed a sigh and Pepa waved a hand apologetically. “Sorry,” she said. “I’m sorry. I know the end of a marriage is nothing to celebrate.” She reached out and clasped Eddie’s hand. “But we’ve all been praying for you to move on with your life, Eddie. This is good news.”

“I just needed time,” Eddie said, wondering why that was so hard for everyone to understand.

“Well you took your time,” Pepa said archly. “But of course I have a recommendation for you. I’ve been saving it and praying you’d ask. Pass me my briefcase and I’ll get her card.”

“You carry her card?”

Pepa rifled through the contents of her soft leather case. “Ever since you got to LA,” she said, producing a card and handing it over. “So what made you decide to go ahead with this now?” she asked curiously as Eddie studied the card.

“Lots of reasons,” Eddie said absently, tracing the letters on the elegant white paperboard. “Going through all those forms with Carla the other day made me realise custody was going to be an issue, so I need to get that straightened out. But actually it was talking with Buck,” he said honestly, hoping he wasn’t blushing as he remembered exactly where they’d been when they had that talk.

“Well thank God for Buck,” Pepa said. “What did he say that your family haven’t been saying for the last two years?”

“He didn’t say anything actually. He just listened and let me talk.” Eddie sighed. “I don’t know. Maybe it took someone with no preconceived notions, who doesn’t know Shannon, didn’t know anything about our marriage. But he let me rant on and on, and the more I talked the more I realised… it was time.”

“Well, I’m glad,” Pepa said softly. They could both hear Chris now, stumping his way back down the hall on his crutches. “Sounds like Buck is already a good friend.”

“I hope so,” Eddie said.

888

Part of Eddie wanted to call Buck, ask him to meet somewhere, have coffee maybe, tell him what was going on.

But the part of Eddie that always held him back advised caution. After all, Buck was still living in Abby’s apartment. Who’s to say he’d even broken up with her? He was onto a good thing, wasn’t he? Free rent in LA? Idly Eddie wondered what Buck was doing with all that money he was saving. He drove an old jeep, and hadn’t been dating for months. His casual clothes were pretty standard, although he probably had to shop in a specialty store to find pants long enough for his legs.

Eddie’s cheeks warmed a little at the thought of those long, long legs, and he hastily dismissed the memories.

Still, it was Buck, he didn’t lie. If he said he was breaking up with Abby, then that’s what he’d do.

So why wasn’t he broadcasting it as work like he did every other detail of his private life? Well, not every detail, Eddie thought, and blushed again.

Dammit.

888

Eddie lasted two weeks. For the most part they had been good weeks, interesting, and certainly productive. Carla was now a part of their lives, and Chris already thought the world of her. They were scouting out a new school for Chris, and had an interview arranged on Eddie’s next free morning with the vice principal of a private school called Durand.

The sheer relief of having someone he could rely on to take care of Chris while he worked was a huge burden off his mind.

The meeting with the lawyer went well, although Eddie wished he’d done a little internet research on divorce in California before sitting down with Maria Estevez, his new lawyer. Eddie’s mind was still reeling from some facts, not least of which was how much freeing himself from the past was going to cost.

And all week he’d come to work and waited to hear that Buck was moving out of Abby’s apartment. For a guy who hated gossip, Eddie wasn’t unaware of the irony that his ears were constantly straining for any chatter about Buck’s much discussed personal life.

It figured that the one time he was really interested in someone else’s relationship status – there was radio silence.

Even Chimney seemed to have run out of sarcastic comments about the whole subject, in fact if anything he seemed to be hanging around Buck a lot, being nice and acting normal. Normal for him anyway, Eddie conceded.

One such incident occurred two weeks after Eddie and Buck had agreed that they wouldn’t move on in their relationship until they were both free. The shift so far had been relatively uneventful, they’d spent an hour working out, and now, on their morning break, freshly showered and dressed, Hen, Chim, Buck and Eddie sat at the table, various beverages at their elbows, desultorily chatting.

“So how’s Maddie going in her new place?” Chim said casually.

“She seems fine.” Buck slanted Chim a look. “You probably see her more than I do these days. Don’t you know?”

“We’re just friends,” Chim said, shrugging. “Maddie doesn’t really talk too much about herself. Unlike some people,” Chim said, smirking a little.

Eddie’s heart beat a little faster, sensing this was an opening for Chim to start joking about Buck’s living arrangements, but to his surprise Chim just kept talking about Maddie.

Eddie looked at Hen, who raised an eyebrow. Then he looked at Buck, who was frowning faintly. And finally at Chim, who had trailed off in the middle of an in-depth soliloquy on Maddie’s co-workers.

“What?” Chim said defensively. “She’s just a friend, okay?” Then he jumped up and stormed off.

“I didn’t say anything,” Buck said blankly.

“Looks like Chim has caught feelings for your sister,” Hen said laconically, standing up with a sigh. “I’ll go talk to him.”

Buck and Eddie were left alone at the big table, sitting in a small pool of silence. Bobby was in his office, others on the shift were in the gym, some down on the garage floor working on and around the engine.

“So how do you feel about Chim crushing on your sister?” Eddie asked.

“You don’t believe they’re just friends?” Buck said, frowning a little.

Eddie shrugged. “I don’t know Maddie well enough to comment on her feelings, but Chim seems pretty smitten to me.”

Buck looked troubled, glancing over at the stairs Chim and Hen had disappeared down. “I don’t know how I feel about that,” he said slowly. “I mean, Maddie is just coming out of a pretty intense relationship, it seems a bit fast to jump into something else. Technically she’s still married.”

Buck looked at him then, and looked away.

Eddie had had enough with waiting. He’d needed help making the decision to move on, maybe Buck needed a little extra help as well.

“Apropos of nothing,” Eddie said casually. “Did I ever mention that my Tia Pepa is a paralegal?”

“Uh, no,” Buck said, looking a little nonplussed at the abrupt change of subject.

“Well, she is. So I asked her for a recommendation for a good divorce lawyer.”

Buck’s eyes widened, then he huffed, a small smile twisting his mobile mouth. “Oh yeah?” he said huskily. “Did she have one?”

“Apparently she’s had one ever since I got to LA,” Eddie said, still trying for casual, although a warm feeling was stirring in his chest at the soft smile on Buck’s face.

“Did you make an appointment?”

“She’s an old friend of Pepa’s actually, so she fit me in straight away.”

Buck stared at him. “So…”

“So the papers are filed, and by now Shannon will already have been served.”

Buck sat back with a sigh. “Wow. This is huge. How do you feel?”

Eddie thought about it. “A bit overwhelmed. Glad to finally be moving ahead. Sad,” he said, looking away.

“The end of any relationship is sad,” Buck said. “Especially ones that started off so hopeful.”

Eddie shrugged, uncomfortably aware of their co-workers all around them as their break ended.

“Is that why you still haven’t broken up with Abby?” Eddie asked quietly as Cap emerged from his office and started calling out orders.

Buck pushed his chair away from the table and stood. He smiled down at Eddie.

“I did break up with Abby,” Buck said. He lowered his voice and leaned over until Eddie could feel his cool breath on his face. “I’ve been taking a leaf out of the Diaz Playbook and trying to keep my private life to myself. How do you think it’s working out?” And he straightened, giving Eddie an inquiring look.

“Frustratingly,” Eddie said, and then he didn’t seem to be able to stop smiling.

888

Three hours later, after a quick call out to an abandoned vehicle fire, Eddie and a few others were cleaning the greasy smoke stains and grime from the outside of the engine. Eddie threw a chamois cloth into a bucket and put his hands on his hips, surveying the area he’d just carefully wiped down. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Buck approach.

“So you’ve moved out of Abby’s apartment?” Eddie said quietly to Buck as he bent down to wring out his own cloth.

“Nope,” Buck said, and went back to detailing the wheels.

“Do you need help moving?” Eddie murmured, squatting down and peering at the tires as Buck rubbed and buffed.

Buck slanted him a wry look and Eddie had to resist the urge to wipe a sooty smut off Buck’s cheek. “Eddie, at this point everything I own fits in my jeep.”

And that was that. Eddie didn’t get another private moment with Buck until after they’d showered off their own grime and had their midday meal. Buck washed up his plate, helped himself to a big red apple from the bowl, and headed for the stairs to the roof.

Eddie followed suit, grabbing a juicy looking pear and strolling to the rooftop steps with what he hoped was a casual air. As soon as he was out of sight he ran up the stairs and emerged onto the roof, gratefully glancing around and seeing they were alone. Buck was speaking even as Eddie stepped out of the stairwell.

“So you know Abby had been pretty much ghosting me for weeks, right? Not picking up my calls, not answering my emails, sending me one word answers to my texts, when she bothered to respond.”

Buck was standing by the railing, gazing out at the LA skyline. It was a rare cloudy day, and a gentle, welcome breeze was blowing. 

Eddie crossed the rooftop and stopped at Buck’s shoulder, following his gaze. He wasn’t sure what to say, but Buck wasn’t really waiting for a response.

“So about an hour after you left the other week I sent an email to Abby - an email that took me about an hour to write, by the way.” Buck’s voice turned a little wry, but he still didn’t turn his head and look at Eddie.

“Imagine my surprise when literally five minutes after I pressed the send button, my phone rang.”

Eddie’s heart hurt at the quiet sigh Buck gave. He felt like utter crap. For weeks all he’d been worried about was himself, his own worries, his own efforts to move forward. As desperate as he’d been to hear that Buck had followed through on his promise to break up with Abby, it hadn’t even occurred to him that Buck too would be feeling that same, wistful sadness.

“I’m sorry,” Eddie said, aware of how many apologies that one sorry had to cover.

“Says it all though, doesn’t it?” Buck said, shrugging. “I’d have been feeling a bit raw about how happy she was that I finally made the leap, if I hadn’t just dragged a hot firefighter into her bed.”

“Savage,” Eddie remarked, unable to stop himself glancing over his shoulder, even though he knew they were still alone up here. “And I think we already went through this. I did the dragging.”

Buck smiled faintly, then with another sigh lifted up the apple and took a bite.

Eddie munched on his pear, enjoying the crisp, sweet tartness on his tongue, licking the abundant juice from his lips. Suddenly he became aware that Buck had finally turned to look at him, blue eyes fixed on Eddie’s mouth, Buck’s tongue darting out to swipe his own lower lip.

“So, I’m free,” Buck said.

Eddie resisted the urge to rub his mouth. “I’m getting free,” he said, then frowned as thought returned. “So why are you still living in that apartment?”

Buck huffed a chuckle and crossed to the old lawn furniture someone had hauled up to the roof a long time ago. He tossed his apple core onto the crooked table and sat down. “Guilt,” he said succinctly.

“Whose?” Eddie wondered, sinking down opposite him.

“Abby’s, of course.” Buck grimaced. “I might have laid it on a little thick in that email. I guess once I started putting what I really felt into words, it kind of poured out of me.”

“I know what that’s like,” Eddie said, recalling the sense of relief he’d felt after he’d dug up so many of his issues with his marriage and laid them down in front of Buck. “Did it make you feel better?”

“It was kind of cathartic,” Buck allowed. “For Abby, maybe not so freeing. In fact, when I told her that I would move out as soon as I had somewhere to go, she practically begged me to stay on.”

Eddie blinked. “You’re kidding?”

“Abby said she’s thinking of selling the place anyway. She said I’d be doing her a favour if I stayed on until she decided.”

“I’m sure you were just dying to do her a favour at that point,” Eddie said wryly. “So she was never planning on coming back, was she?” he continued more gently.

Buck blinked, and rubbed under one eye ruefully. “I guess not.”

“I really am sorry, Buck. I’ve been so caught up in my own dramas I never thought what it’d be like for you. I’m not a very good friend.”

“Well to be fair we have been kind of avoiding each other,” Buck said. “Which I’m not okay with by the way.”

“Chris misses you too,” Eddie revealed. “So we stop with the tap dancing and just be straight with one another. Agreed?”

“Agreed,” Buck said, and he held out a fist for Eddie to bump.

“Now,” Eddie said, curiosity still nagging at him. “Tell me what Abby said, and why on earth you’d agree to staying on in her apartment?”

“Well at the time she was sort of half crying, and I wanted to make her feel better,” Buck said, and grimaced as Eddie looked at him askance. “I know, I’m a people pleaser. I can’t help it. Besides, she seemed to want it to all end in a civilised manner, and I guess I want that too.”

“So how long do you plan to stay?”

“Until I can find just the right place for myself,” Buck said. “See, the thing is, as stressful as the last few months have been, I’ve also had a lot of time to think, you know? This last couple of years in LA is the longest I’ve stayed anywhere since I was 18 years old. By a long way.”

“18?” Eddie repeated curiously.

“When I got the heck out of Hershey,” Buck said, making a face. “I was on a trek to find myself and the place where I belong, and I guess I finally realised, during a lot of long, lonely evenings, that I’ve found that place. And my calling.”

“Being a firefighter,” Eddie said, nodding. “I get that. I know how lucky I am that I found a second calling when I was forced to leave the military. Go on,” he urged.

“So when I realised that I wasn’t about to pull up stumps and take off again, I thought, well, why not find myself a permanent home? Not just a place to keep my stuff and sleep occasionally.”

Eddie’s brow wrinkled as Buck’s face reddened a little, and then he realised that Buck was talking about before he and Eddie had met, and he raised his eyebrows. “Occasionally?”

“Pre-Abby,” Buck said hurriedly. “Don’t you start, I get enough slut shaming from Chim, and I haven’t actually been a slut for months!”

Buck sounded so outraged that Eddie couldn’t help laughing, and after a moment Buck’s affront melted into a sheepish smile.

“No shaming from me,” Eddie said, holding up both hands in a gesture of peace. “You were young, single, and hot like fire. Why shouldn’t you enjoy yourself?”

“And I did,” Buck said reminiscently, and then sighed and smiled.

Eddie looked at him fondly. “So you’re thinking of buying your own place?”

“Well it is the American dream,” Buck pointed out. “And I have enough saved now for a pretty decent deposit. Um.” he hesitated. “Maybe you and Chris want to go house hunting with me some time? When I’ve narrowed down a few possibilities?”

“We’d love to,” Eddie said.

“I’m thinking a fixer upper, you know? Nothing fancy, but something I can make my own.”

“Sounds like hard work. Have you ever renovated a house?”

Buck spread his hands expansively and relaxed back in the old chair. “Eddie, I’ve done everything. Remind me to tell you about my many and various jobs as I searched for the place where I belonged.”

“I’d love to hear each and every –“ He broke off as the siren sounded and they both leapt to their feet and rushed downstairs to answer the call.

888

By the time they staggered back to the firehouse they were all on overtime, and B shift was ready and waiting to take over the vehicles and put the station back online. The A shift gladly turned over the reins, and hastened to the showers and locker rooms, more than ready to go home.

Eddie lingered over his dressing as the locker room quickly cleared out, smoothing down his shirt and running a hand through his hair. Finally it was just he and Buck left behind, and Buck straightened his products in his locker before leaning against it wearily.

“Long shift,” he said.

“Could have been worse,” Eddie said, sitting back down on the bench.

“You have to pick Chris up from school?”

“Carla’s picking him up and taking him to his PT.”

Buck looked at him, gaze steady. “Follow me home?”

“I know the way,” Eddie said. Inside anticipation was burning.

888

“It takes six months to get a divorce in California,” Eddie complained, one hand playing through Buck’s disordered curls. His body still thrummed with satisfaction, his chest rising and falling where Buck’s hand idly stroked over a tingling nipple.

“I think I remember hearing that,” Buck said, snuggling his head more comfortably on Eddie’s shoulder.

“And that’s if both parties agree to everything.”

“Are you expecting a fight?”

“I wasn’t expecting my wife to abandon me and our kid,” Eddie retorted. “I haven’t got a clue what’s going on in her head two years later.”

“Well you can deal with anything that comes up,” Buck said, turning his head to drop a quick kiss on Eddie’s shoulder. “And six months will fly by.”

“It will now I know I don’t have to wait six months to be with you again,” Eddie said, lifting Buck’s chin and kissing his slightly swollen lips. “God I love your mouth,” Eddie murmured, deepening the kiss.

Buck let Eddie press him back onto the pillow, and they kissed long and languidly, but without urgency now the initial heat had passed. They’d barely made it inside Buck’s front door before falling on each other, and there was now a trail of clothes and shoes between the hall and the big bed.

“It’s the thought that counts,” Buck said, tilting his head back as Eddie dropped a line of kisses down his neck. “I mean, you’re practically divorced now the filing is done. It’s really just a couple more legal things and a mandatory waiting period, right?”

“Let’s hope it’s that simple,” Eddie said devoutly. He pressed his cheek to Buck’s chest, listening to his heartbeat, strong and steady. He closed his eyes, wondering how to put what he needed to say next into words. “The thing is, Buck… I don’t how Shannon is going to react. I’m going for full custody of Christopher, and I don’t have a clue what that will mean to her. Until I do…”

Buck looked down as Eddie tilted his head to gaze up at him. “What?”

“I don’t think we should advertise our relationship,” Eddie blurted out. “It’s not like I’m ashamed or anything,” he rushed on. “Please don’t think that for a second. But this is a side of me Shannon never knew about, and I can’t risk anything being used as a weapon against me when it comes to custody.”

With dismay Eddie felt Buck pull away and sit up next to him, legs crossed. Eddie sat too, studying Buck’s face, trying to read his mind.

“Please don’t be mad,” Eddie said.

“I’m not mad,” Buck said. “I’m thinking.” He bit his lip, then spoke gently. “You know you’re not in a Red State now, Eddie, right? I don’t think being in a gay relationship is something that can be used against you here.”

Something in Eddie’s chest twisted at Buck’s words.

Gay relationship.

Eddie pushed the feeling down.

“Maybe not,” Eddie agreed. “Probably not. But it’s hard to get past fears I’ve lived with for most of my life.” Even harder to admit to those fears, Eddie thought. But this was important. He needed this. It was too soon for him to face the world with his secret finally exposed. This was too new, too private. Just the thought of people like Chim knowing about him and Buck, smirking, sly digs and insults. Stares and gossip and…

“Eddie?”

Eddie blinked, aware Buck had been speaking. “Sorry, what?”

“You were a million miles away for a second,” Buck said, covering one of Eddie’s hands with his. “Your fingers are ice cold,” Buck exclaimed.

Eddie clutched at Buck’s warm hand. “Sorry,” he said again, still feeling a little dazed.

“This really worries you, doesn’t it?” Buck said, squeezing Eddie’s hand.

“It’s an old fear,” Eddie admitted. “Colliding with a new fear. Growing up in as the oldest son in a Mexican family, you can imagine the revelation that I’m  bi wasn’t something I wanted to share with my family. I don’t think my mother would have cared, but my father…” Eddie shivered at the thought.

“And the new fear?” Buck asked gently.

“Losing Chris,” Eddie whispered.

“Because your parents wanted you to give Chris to them,” Buck recalled.

“Like an unwanted puppy,” Eddie said, trying for wry, but still sounding broken, even to his own ears. “I know I’m not rational on this, and it’s not fair to you –“

“Don’t worry about it,” Buck said, wrapping both strong arms around Eddie and holding him close. “It’s not forever after all. And we’re still besties out there in the world, so we get to spend all the time we like together.”

“Yeah,” Eddie agreed, almost collapsing against Buck in relief.

Of course it wouldn’t be forever, Eddie thought. Of course.

888

The next few weeks were so wonderful, Eddie almost worried about it. Buck was playing this triple role in his life, something so completely foreign to Eddie’s experience that he couldn’t believe how easy it was.

Buck was his partner at work, and had rapidly become someone Eddie knew implicitly he could trust with his back. Outside of work he was a friend, and Eddie started to feel as if he were the best friend he’d ever had. And in the moments they stole together in Buck’s apartment, Buck was his lover. Exciting, attentive, just as desperate and eager for their coupling as Eddie was. Their secret meetings had become the time Eddie most looked forward to in his busy life, next to spending time with Christopher.

Shannon had been his friend once, Eddie reflected. His constant companion in mischief all through high school. Eddie had never shared his deepest secrets with her, but they had still spent endless hours together talking about all their dreams for the future, getting out of El Paso and seeing the world.

As an adult, looking back, Eddie understood that they’d never had that much in common. Other than the fact that they’d both felt like outsiders, both been rebelling against the expectations of their parents, both young and angry and frustrated with the limits people kept trying to put on their lives.

Eddie wondered what those lives would have been like if they hadn’t crossed that line into being lovers, and then instantly hated himself for it. No matter how it had begun or ended, between them he and Shannon had created Chris. He would always love her for that, even if she’d ultimately betrayed their little boy by running out of his life.

The weeks flew by and before they knew it it was Halloween. Chris was thrilled with his Wolverine costume, Eddie had a great fondness for his Snake Plisskin outfit, even if he had had to explain to Carla and Buck who Snake Plisskin was. And Buck spent the whole evening blushing in his Disney outfit, his long muscular form doing things to Cinderella’s Prince Charming costume that dear old Walt Disney could never have imagined.

Carla had raised both brows when Buck appeared at the Diaz door fully costumed, and while Buck and Chris had admired each other’s outfits, she had hissed to Eddie.

“Be still my heart. That coat might hide his butt, but goodness me, that boy has some long, long legs.” Carla was fanning herself, eyes wide.

You should feel them wrapped around your waist, Eddie thought, then blushed hotly under his beard scruff.

888

The 118 was rostered to work all through Thanksgiving, but Cap assured them that – barring a major emergency  - that should mean Christmas Day off at least.

Eddie hoped that was the case, Chris was happy to spend Thanksgiving with his grandmother at her annual family gathering, but Eddie hadn’t looked forward to telling his little boy his father couldn’t be there when he woke up Christmas morning.

“Fingers crossed,” Buck said as they walked up the stairs to his apartment. Eddie nodded, but glanced at his lover in concern. Buck had been distracted all day, and now, at a time they were usually rushing to get behind closed doors, he was almost absently climbing the stairs, his eyes distant.

Eddie felt a pang of worry. Was Buck finally getting tired of all the secrets? Was he finally going to push Eddie to stop hiding in the shadows and come out into the light? What would Eddie say if he did? He wasn’t ready for this.

The door closed behind them and Eddie turned to embrace Buck, hoping that he was wrong, but Buck was stiff in his arms, turning his head and laying his cheek on Eddie’s shoulder.

“What is it?” Eddie murmured. “Did I do something…?”

Buck stepped away, scrubbing his hands through his hair. “No, I’m sorry, I’m just… not...”

“In the mood?” Eddie said, reaching out and stroking a gentle hand down Buck’s arms. “It’s okay, I saw you were distracted, I should have said something. Why don’t we just sit on the couch and talk. I’ll get us a drink. Beer?”

Buck groaned and followed Eddie into the small living room, dropping down to sit on the couch. “I’m sorry, Eddie. We get so little time together as it is.”

“Buck we work together all day,” Eddie said, twisting the caps off two beers and handing Buck one. He sat down next to Buck on the couch and took a sip of the cold brew.

“But time like this, when we can just relax.” Buck sighed and took a deep swallow.

“You know I wanted you from the moment I saw you,” Eddie said, huffing a laugh. “And I was just about on fire for you from the moment I thought you might feel the same way. But I never wanted us to just be… that,” he said, gesturing towards the shutter doors and the shadowed room beyond. “I know not being able to be completely open about our relationship is hard for you, and that’s on me.”

“It’s not that,” Buck said, shaking his head. “To be honest it makes a refreshing change not to spill my guts about every detail of my private life at work. I don’t really feel like trusting some people with personal stuff any more.”

“You mean Chim,” Eddie said. He frowned when Buck almost flinched at the name. “Did something else happen? Did he say something to you?”

“No. Maddie did.” Buck put his drink down on the coffee table and linked his hands together in front of him. “I think… I think she and Chim are gonna start dating, and Eddie… I’m not all right with that.”

“Because you don’t trust Chim with your sister?”

“That’s a big part of it. But there so much more. The stuff I told you about her husband, the stuff Maddie told me?  Well I have the feeling it’s the tip of a big, ugly, Titanic-sinking size iceberg.”

“You think it’s too soon for her to be rushing into a relationship?”

Buck shrugged. “What I think about that doesn’t matter. It’s not my business, I honestly don’t know enough about the life she’s been living to judge. My first instinct is that it’s too soon, but I also think that she deserves to be happy, and if she’s found some happy then why shouldn’t she grab it?”

Eddie took one of Buck’s hands with his. “Are you saying that because a lot of people might judge our relationship if they knew about it? I’m still married, you only just broke up with someone you really cared about.”

“I can’t lie, that does colour my opinion somewhat.” Buck said honestly, and then he groaned. “But why did it have to be Chim? The truth is, Eddie, there’s a lot of stuff I didn’t tell you about him. In part because he is my friend, even if he’s an idiot sometimes. I knew you were judging him on the lie he told you, which is completely justified. I guess I didn’t want to make that any worse.”

“Well I’m still not happy that he pulled me into whatever spiteful little joke he thought he was playing. And I still have no idea why he said what he said, or when the other shoe is going to drop. But I don’t dislike the guy. I get on okay with him. I’d just never trust him with anything personal.”

“And I don’t trust him with my sister,” Buck said broodingly.

Eddie nudged him with his shoulder. “Spill,” he said. “What did he do?”

So Buck told Eddie all about Chim’s ex, Tatiana. About Chim taking credit for  feats of bravery on the job someone else had committed. Stupid bragging, even about stuff as petty as whether he could cook.

“Some guys will do anything to get laid,” Eddie said, grimacing.

“I get that,” Buck said earnestly. “It’s gross, but it is what it is. Except, he proposed to her, Eddie. Chim asked Tatiana to marry him. He was happy to trick a woman into marrying a man who virtually didn’t exist.”

“Wow,” Eddie said, taking this in. He shook his head. “I can see why you’d have an issue with him dating your sister. Especially in her vulnerable state.”

“I feel like I should have warned her about him,” Buck said miserably. “And then I feel guilty for thinking that, like I’m betraying a friend.”

“Hey, as long as you told her the truth, it’s on her how she’d take it. But at what point were you supposed to do that?  They’ve both been very loudly insisting they’re just friends. It’s not your fault you believed them.”

Buck leaned back with a sigh and Eddie wrapped his arm around broad shoulders and drew his lover close. “Like it or not, Maddie’s a grown woman. Sometimes all you can do is be there to pick up the pieces.”

“If she even lets me do that,” Buck murmured, a little bitterly. “I’ve spent more time with you in the last few months than I have with my own sister in the last decade.”

Sensing that Buck just needed to talk, Eddie pressed a kiss onto his soft, short, curls. “Tell me,” Eddie invited.

888

Eddie arrived at his aunt’s door with his toolbox in hand, ratty t-shirt already sticking to him in the warm morning sunlight. He shook his head as he winced in the sunlight. A California winter was going to take some getting used to.

Pepa answered the door and greeted him with a kiss, and Eddie frowned as he took in her nice outfit and styled hair. “Are you going out?” he asked as she ushered him in and closed the door behind him. “I can get the cabinet doors done while you’re gone if you show me exactly how you want them.”

“Well, about that,” Pepa said with a wry smile. “I thought we might have some coffee and cake before we worry about home repairs.”

Eddie recalled the sleek car in the driveway and glanced over his aunt’s shoulder and down the hall, hearing the murmur of low voices coming from the kitchen dining area. A sinking feeling hit him.

“Tia, what have you done?” he hissed.

“Oh don’t be so dramatic,” Pepa said, almost pushing him down the hall. Eddie was faced with the choice of going along with his aunt or pushing her aside and running for the door.

He seriously considered the second option.

“Here he is,” Pepa said gaily, almost dragging Eddie into the her cheerful, open plan kitchen dining area. The one with all the cabinet doors firmly affixed, Eddie noted bitterly. “Forgive his outfit, Eddie came prepared to do some repair work around the house.”

“What a good boy,” the older woman said, and Eddie took her and her companion in with a glance, that sinking feeling turning to lead in his stomach. Two women, probably mother and daughter, the older his aunt’s age, the younger probably his own age. Both Mexican, both attractive and stylishly dressed.

“I’ve been ambushed,” Eddie said, and all three women laughed. “Camilla, Elena, this is my nephew Eddie. Eddie, this is Camilla Pérez, who works at my law office with me, and her daughter Elena Monroe. Eddie, you and Elena both have a lot in common, you’re both in the middle of a divorce, and both single parents now.”

Eddie donned his most polite manner, carefully laying his toolbox on a sideboard out of the way, and advancing with an out held hand. The older woman shook it firmly, looking him over with frank interest, although there was nothing prurient about it. It was a very tia look.

The look Elena gave him however was apologetic and embarrassed, and there was a flush on her cheeks under her pale golden skin. She was in fact very lovely.

Eddie wished he was anywhere else in the world.

“Something else you have in common,” Camilla said, helping herself to a sliver of cake as Eddie sat down at the table. “Elena married a gringo and Pepa tells me Eddie married a gringa.” Eddie sighed and accepted a slice of cake automatically while Elena rolled her eyes.

“I wish you wouldn’t talk about Rich like that,” Mama,” Elena said in an exasperated tone. “It sounds so racist.”

“Pft,” her mother said, waving a dismissive hand.

“It’s not racist to believe that people should stick to their own kind,” Pepa said and Camilla nodded.

“It kind of is,” Eddie murmured, but the other woman drowned him out. Elena gave him a grateful glance and shrugged ruefully.

“Where is Christopher this morning, Eddie?” Pepa said. She turned to Camilla. “Christopher is Eddie’s little boy, and he’s such a sweetheart.” She nudged her nephew. “Show Camilla and Elena his picture, Eddie.”

Eddie obediently produced his phone and the ladies cooed about how cute Chris was. Elena pre-empted her mother’s order by a few seconds and already had her phone out and was proffering it to Eddie, who took it and studied the photo of a dark eyed little girl of about five, with a wide smile and a missing front tooth.

“She’s beautiful,” Eddie said. “And Chris is with Buck this morning, making one of their pilgrimages to the zoo. They love the zoo.”

“Buck?” Camilla said, forking up a piece of cake.

“A firefighter Eddie works with,” Pepa said, and fanned her face theatrically. “Ay, so handsome. So tall and broad, and such blue eyes. If I were 20 years younger...”

“Careful, Tia,” Eddie murmured. “He’s a gringo, remember?”

“I said marry your own kind,” Pepa said archly, then snickered at her friend. “That leaves plenty of other options open.”

Pepa and Camilla giggled while Eddie mentally face palmed and wondered how quickly he could make his escape.

Later, as the older ladies deliberately absented themselves to look at Pepa’s flower beds, Elena sighed and pushed away her plate.

“This is the part where you’re supposed to ask me out,” she said wearily. “Sorry. I naively thought I was just coming over for coffee and cake.”

“Double ambush,” Eddie said with a huff. “If I didn’t love my aunt so much I’d have already run away. No offence,” he said hastily.

Elena held up a hand. “None taken,” she said firmly. “My divorce isn’t even final, it’s way too soon for me to even think about dating again.” She shrugged. “Even if it wasn’t, I’m not ready.” She smiled, but it was a sad smile.

“It’s rough,” Eddie said sympathetically. “Maybe it’s easier for me. My marriage has been over for years, my wife abandoned me and our kid. There’s not even that much left to mourn.”

“That sounds pretty rough to me,” Elena said, wide eyed. “Rich and I  have our share of problems, but he adores Jemima. He’d never walk away from her. She’s with him now actually, picking out furniture for her bedroom in his new apartment.”

“That’s something to be grateful for then,” Eddie said, and Elena smiled again, this time a little less sadly.

She really was very pretty, Eddie thought. She seemed nice too, and obviously adored her kid. If things had been different maybe he would have been grateful to his aunt for introducing him to someone who could be a friend. With the option of maybe more somewhere down the track.

If things had been different. If he had been different. Or more accurately if he hadn’t been different his whole life. If he had been the normal, straight guy he’d been pretending to be since he was 13 years old.

Eddie chatted easily to Elena about kids and schools and other topics interesting to parents, and wondered again when this interminable morning would end.

888

“We never really talked about being exclusive,” Eddie said after he’d outlined his ambush the day before to a sniggering Buck.

“No, we didn’t.” Buck tilted his head and looked into Eddie’s eyes. They were comfortably ensconced on Buck’s couch, freshly showered after their hasty love making, but not yet ready to go their separate ways. “Do you want that?”

“I feel like I don’t have the right to even ask,” Eddie said roughly.

“Ask, Eddie,” Buck said. “I would never take offence, in fact it’s a flattering thing, I think, as long as it’s not done in a possessive way.”

Eddie felt pretty possessive, but didn’t feel it was the time to say so.

“It makes me feel valued,” Buck said. “Like this isn’t just some hook-up, or friends with benefits thing.”

Eddie took both Buck’s hands and held them tightly. “You are valued,” he said urgently. “There’s nothing casual about the way I feel about you. I know I’m asking a lot of you, to keep things between us secret. But please, never doubt, you’re the best thing that’s happened to me in a long time.”

Buck studied his face for a while, then finally a slow smile dawned, and his eyes shone just a little bit brighter. “Me too.”

“So, exclusive then?”

“Exclusive.”

888

“I offered to go with him, but he said he wanted to do it on his own.”

“That’s what I love about that kid, he’s so independent.” Buck grinned and nudged Eddie’s shoulder. “Wonder where he gets that from.”

Eddie huffed and waved as Chris turned in the line to see Santa and looked for him. “Hey, Christopher,” he called, and they all waved. Eddie glanced at Buck. “So you still going to Bobby and Athena’s for Christmas, even without Maddie?”

Buck shrugged. “One more thing Doug ruined,” he said bitterly. “I can’t say I wouldn’t have liked to spend my first Christmas in more than a decade with family,” he said. “But Maddie is determined to be on her own.”

“I guess we can’t help what triggers us,” Eddie said, wishing he could erase that sad look from Buck’s face. “Who the hell knows what that monster did to her at Christmas?”

“Well I don’t, since she won’t tell me.”

Eddie sighed, his eyes still on his kid, who was now being lifted onto Santa’s lap. “I know you want to help her, Buck,” he said quietly. “But there are some things it’s just too… painful to talk about. Give her time. Sometimes that’s all you can do.”

“Yeah, I know,” Buck murmured, but Eddie was already rising to greet Chris as one of the elves escorted him over.

“Hey, how’d it go?” he greeted, picking up his little boy and hugging him.

“It went great,” Chris said happily.

“So did you tell Santa what you wanted?” Eddie sure hoped so, Chris had so far refused to tell anyone what he wanted for Christmas.

“Can’t tell, it’s a secret,” Chris grinned, and Eddie exchanged a wry glance with Buck.

“Come on then,” he said. “I hear the call of hot chocolate.”

“With marshmallows,” Chris cheered.

Eddie glanced over his shoulder at Buck who was lagging a little behind. “Okay?” he asked, wondering if the peculiar look on Buck’s face was still about Maddie. Eddie glance at the elf who was still waving at them, as Chris waved back, almost braining him with a crutch. “Careful, bud,” Eddie cautioned.

“She thought we were a family,” Buck said, so quietly Eddie barely heard him. “Hey,” Buck said more briskly, coming abreast them and rubbing his hands together. “Did I hear someone say marshmallows?”

He took off on his long legs and Eddie stared after after him, heart aching.

888

“Someone’s ready for his bed,” Eddie said, tilting his head to indicate Chris nodding over the dregs of hot chocolate in his Santa mug.

Chris straightened, opening his eyes comically wide. “I’m not sleepy,” he announced firmly.

Buck chuckled and indicated his mouth, and Chris squinted at his own lips, circled with chocolate. “It’s a wonder you got any in your belly,” Buck said, and Chris laughed, which turned into a wide yawn.

“That’s it,” Eddie said, scooping him up out of the chair. “Face washed, teeth brushed, then bed for you.”

“I’ll wash up and go,” Buck murmured, grabbing all three of their mugs.

Eddie paused in the doorway. “Can you stay a little longer?” he asked, and Buck surveyed him for long moments then nodded.

Eddie listened to Buck washing up in the kitchen as he guided his sleepy boy through his evening ablutions, got him in his warm pjs, and carried him to bed.

“Do you want a story?” Eddie said, crouched by the bed as Chris snuggled down. Chris shook his head, blinking sleepily. “Dad?” he asked tentatively. “Is Santa real?”

888

“Is he all settled?” Buck looked up from the magazine he was flipping through, got one look at Eddie’s face and instantly jumped to his feet. “Woah, you look like you’ve seen a ghost!” Buck cast a worried look down the shadowed hallway to Chris’s door. “Is Chris okay?”

“He, uh.” Eddie sat down on the couch, shaking his head as Buck dropped down beside him. “He finally told me what he asked for from Santa,” he said thickly.

“And?”

“Apparently when I was in Afghanistan he asked Santa to bring me home.”

Realisation dawned on Buck’s face. “Oh,” he said numbly.

“Yeah. So tonight he asked Santa to find his mom. His exact words. Like she was lost somewhere, trying to find her way back to us.”

“Do you think that’s how he’s coping with her being gone?” Buck asked in hushed tones.

“He hasn’t even mentioned her in so long, you know? It’s not that I thought he’d forgotten her, but I was at least hoping he wasn’t worrying about it any more. Or blaming himself, which was..” Eddie broke off, remembering how devastated he’d been when a much younger Chris had sadly asked if his CP was why his mommy had left him.

“What are you going to do?”

“I don’t know,” Eddie said brokenly. “How do I know? People keep asking me what I’m going to do about stuff, how am I supposed to  know what to do?”

“Okay, okay, calm down,” Buck said, taking both his hands and squeezing tightly.

Eddie bit his lip and looked guiltily over his shoulder, aware his voice had risen. “Sorry,” he murmured, squeezing Buck’s hands back just as tightly. “I’m sorry.”

“No I’m sorry. Of course you don’t know what to do yet, you’ve just been blindsided.”

Eddie looked at him gratefully and huffed a sigh. “That’s just how it feels,” he said thickly.

“Then let’s think it through together, okay? You got a couple of days before Christmas Day, you’ve got some time.”

“Time for what though?” Eddie said, but he wasn’t desperate now, just sad. “Time to prepare him for another disappointment? Like that first Christmas where he waited all day, jumping every time someone came in the room? Or his little face when he finally realised she wasn’t coming? I don’t want him to go through that again.”

“I don’t want either of you to go through that again,” Buck said, sounding choked. His eyes were wet and he released one of Eddie’s hands and rubbed at them. “So what’s your alternative?”

“Something I swore I’d never do. Let her back into his life.” Eddie sighed wearily. “Always supposing she wants back in his life.”

“There’s only one way to find out.”

“Even if she agrees to show up for Christmas, what happens after that? Do we go right back to square one and Chris has to grieve for her all over again?”

“Chris is hurting anyway,” Buck pointed out sadly. “Maybe this way you can get some answers as to why she’s stayed away so long.”

“And find a path through this mess to a place where she can at least maintain contact with him. It’s far from what he needs in a mother,” Eddie said. “But at least if he sees her he’ll know she’s not… lost.”

“And maybe you can both get on with your lives,” Buck said. “You and Chris.”

Eddie slanted a glance at Buck. He had spent months not talking about the divorce, and Buck had spent months not asking.

“I do want that,” he said carefully. “I just…”

“Eddie, we don’t have to do this now.”

Eddie blinked. “Do what?”

“Sort out our relationship. Your divorce isn’t final for months yet, we have plenty of time.”

Eddie rubbed his chest, feeling it tighten with guilt. “I know I told you keeping our relationship a secret was about the divorce and custody,” he faltered. “And that was true, at first.”

“Mostly true,” Buck corrected gently, and Eddie stared. “Come on, Eddie. Five minutes research about divorce in California told me all I need to know. If Shannon didn’t contest any part of the process, most of the six months is just a mandatory waiting period.” Buck quirked a brow. “Did she contest anything?”

Eddie shook his head numbly. “My lawyer said she signed everything her lawyer put in front of her.”

Buck nodded. “I figured. So there really was no need to keep our relationship a secret after that.”

“But…” Eddie searched for words. “You never said anything. Why?”

“Because the only thing you ever really asked from me was time. I’m giving you time.”

“So you never believed I wanted to keep us a secret because of the divorce, and custody?”

Buck shrugged. “Anything is possible,” he said. “I don’t know your ex, she could have been a crazy vindictive lunatic for all I know. And like I told you before, staying in the closet isn’t that big a hardship for me.”

Eddie winced at the term, then realised Buck was tilting his head, looking at him meaningfully. Buck hadn’t used the term lightly, Buck had known all along that Eddie had other motives for keeping their relationship secret.

Buck knew.

“You know,” Eddie whispered.

“I guessed,” Buck said, and reached out and caught Eddie’s arm as he went to rise. “No, don’t. This isn’t something we can deal with right now. You’re not ready, I’m not ready, and you have bigger problems dealing with Shannon and Chris.”

Only one thing in Buck’s words really got through. “You’re not ready?” Eddie repeated.

Buck sighed, rubbing Eddie’s arm comfortingly. “Oh, Eddie. Do you know how many people have loved me in my life? My whole life? One.”

“Maddie,” Eddie whispered, trying to take this in.

“Maddie,” Buck confirmed. “And even she walked away and left me more than once. Do you think it’s been easy for me, being in a relationship with someone who couldn’t even hold my hand in public?”

Eddie’s face heated.

“You’re not the only one who needed time. You to… come to terms with your sexuality,” Buck said slowly, as if very carefully choosing each word. “And me to wrap my heart up nice and tight, in case you ended up being just another person I love who walks away from me.”

Tears pricked Eddie’s eyes, and he couldn’t stop one from rolling down his cheek. “I’m sorry, Buck,” he whispered. “You deserve so much better than I’ve been giving you.”

“We both do,” Buck said, his own eyes wet. “And I believe, with all my stupid, soft heart, that we will one day be in a place where we can give each other everything we both deserve. But neither of us are there yet, are we?”

Eddie closed his eyes, and slowly shook his head. “I’m such a fucking coward,” he muttered.

“Some fears aren’t rational, that doesn’t make them any less real. You’re no coward, Eddie,” Buck said firmly. “You just need time to sort out the muddle in your head. To dig your way out of the bullshit that society, or the church, or your family buried the real you under.”

“I guess. But I can promise you one thing. I’m not going anywhere, Buck.” Eddie gripped Buck’s hands again, bringing them up and pressing them against his chest. “I promise.”

Buck leaned forward, resting his head against Eddie with a soft sigh. “Neither am I.”

888

“I still can’t believe we’re not working Christmas Day,” Hen said, tying the laces on her boots. “It’ll be my first Christmas Day off in three years.”

“Me too,” Chim said from behind his locker door.

“Karen can’t believe it either,” Hen said with a grin. “She keeps checking the weather and predicting a natural disaster.”

Chim peered around his locker door. “That’s tempting fate,” he accused. “If there is a natural disaster it’ll be your wife’s fault.”

“I’ll tell her you said so,” Hen said dryly. “Besides, there are no natural disasters on Christmas Day.”

“Darwin, Australia, Christmas Day, 1974,” Buck said, fastidiously cleaning out and sanitising his comb before putting it back in his locker. “Cyclone Tracy. Killed 71 people and devastated 80% of the city.”

Hen, Chimney and Eddie exchanged wide eyed glances.

“Why do you know stuff like that?” Hen finally said.

Buck shrugged. “Natural disasters are interesting.”

Chim muttered something indistinct, then closed his locker with a bang. “You’re all tempting fate,” he announced, and pushed through the glass doors and out of the locker room.

“Is he always that superstitious?” Eddie asked curiously, buttoning his uniform shirt.

“You have no idea,” Buck said in chorus with Hen’s “Oh hell yes.”

“Something to look forward to,” Hen said, patting Eddie’s shoulder as she strolled out of the locker room.

Buck waited until the last few stragglers had left before sitting down next to Eddie on the bench. “Well?” he said in a low tone. “While I appreciated your three word text yesterday telling me she showed up, that didn’t exactly fill in any gaps. What did she say? How was it? Did she agree to show up on Christmas morning?”

Eddie rested his elbows on his knees, thinking about it. “A lot, awful, and yes,” he said.

Buck raised exasperated brows. “Seriously?”

“Okay,” Eddie relented, glancing at the glass doors to check there was no one coming. “Most importantly, she promised to spend Christmas Day with us.”

Buck scanned his face. “Do you believe her?”

“I believe she was sincere when she said it. But Buck.” Eddie blew out a breath. “She is a mess. A mix of apologies, defensiveness, grief, guilt. She cried,” Eddie said, grimacing.

Buck grimaced back. “Damn.”

“I know, right? I told her what Chris said, I asked her to spend the day with us, I even told her that she didn’t have to commit to anything further if she wasn’t ready. That Chris would be thrilled just to be able to email her, call her, maybe FaceTime now and then. She was surprised, but seemed kind of grateful.”

“Well she should be,” Buck said a bit sharply. “You’re giving her a big free pass on a lot of shit, Eddie.”

“Yeah, and I was feeling pretty righteous about it,” Eddie admitted, shame flushing his cheeks. “And then, I don’t know. I don’t even know what triggered it, but she started crying and it all poured out. She’s wracked with guilt over Chris’s CP. she’s been blaming herself for years.”

Buck looked confused. “What? I thought they diagnosed it was lack of oxygen during birth that caused Chris’s CP?”

“They did, and intellectually she knows that,” Eddie said. “But there are also a host of other risk factors during pregnancy that the latest research says could be a cause too. It sounds like she’s become kind of obsessed with that, in a pretty unhealthy way.”

“Something like that would mess with anyone’s mind,” Buck said thoughtfully.

“Especially since I honestly think she had some kind of mental break, and stuff her mind knows is untrue has become this bogeyman in her head.” Eddie shifted a bit uncomfortably, the idea hitting a little close to home. “It’s like you said. Some fears aren’t rational, but it doesn’t mean they’re not real.”

They were both silent for a while, and finally Buck heaved a sigh. “You’ve managed the impossible. I actually feel sorry for your ex.”

“So do I, and it’s almost a relief. I’m tired of feeling angry and bitter. Seeing her so… broken. I feel like I can start to forgive her for a lot of things.”

“And maybe forgive yourself for a lot of things as well?” Buck said gently.

Eddie met Buck’s eyes and his heart melted at the love shining from them. Right now all he wanted to do was reach out for Buck and hold him close, let Buck wrap those strong arms around him.

It was awful to realise the only thing stopping him was his own fear.

As if to underscore that Chimney pushed his way back into the locker room. “Forgot my watch,” he said, opening his locker door and grabbing it. He glanced at them both, his head tilted. “You two look pretty intense. Didn’t interrupt anything, did I?”

Buck narrowed his eyes and glared at Chimney. “Should I leave?” Buck said with artificial sweetness. “Is this the part where you drip more lies about me into Eddie’s ear?”

Chim gaped at him, mouth hanging open. “What?”

“Come on, Chim,” Eddie said, not sure why Buck was bringing this up now after all this time, but willing to back up his partner as always. “Surely you haven’t forgotten? My first week here? You told me that Buck was gay? A complete closet case? Remember?”

Chim still gaped, looking confused. “I what?” he sputtered, and then a slow light dawned on his face. “Oh, shit, I did,” he said, and to Eddie’s amazement he laughed merrily. “I had completely forgotten I did that! I can’t believe you still remember it.” He lifted an amused brow. “Just for curiosity’s sake, how long before you figured out it was complete fiction?”

“You forgot?” Eddie repeated, feeling numb.

Chim waved a casual hand. “I totally did.” He frowned a little, eyes growing distant as if gazing back to that day so many months in the past. He finally shook his head. “Nope, don’t even remember why I did it. But you know me, Buck, I like to give the probies a hard time until they prove themselves, and look at you,” Chim said with a grin at Eddie. “You have proved yourself. Well done.”

“Wait.” Buck caught Chim’s arm as he strolled back to the door. “That’s it? No apology? No explanation? Why did you bring me into your hazing? What was the point of telling Eddie I was gay?”

Chim shrugged. “I really don’t remember. Maybe I thought it was the kind of thing that Eddie might give you a hard time about. Sorry, guys.”

With that he sketched a wave and wandered back out, snapping his gum casually and waving to several other firefighters on the shift who had just arrived.

“He forgot,” Eddie said, glad he was still sitting down.

Buck was shaking his head, just kind of huffing, hands spread as if asking a question. “What the hell?”

“So that’s the guy who’s gonna date your sister?” Eddie finally managed, as more people pushed through the doors into the locker room, laughing and chatting.

“Gah, don’t remind me,” Buck said.

Eddie led the way out of the now busy locker room and paused briefly by the stairs, looking around to make sure no one was in earshot. “He changed my whole life, and doesn’t even remember what lame joke he was making.”

Buck chuckled. “Don’t give Chim too much credit,” he murmured. “It’s not like you wouldn’t have hit this the first chance you got anyway.” And he strutted up the stairs like a male model, twisting once to drop a wink at Eddie.

Laughing and shaking his head, Eddie followed him up, but inside his brain was still racing. Because he knew of a certainty he would not have hit on Buck if he hadn’t believed he was gay. He knew because before Buck he’d never hit on any man before, always letting someone else make the move, too scared of being wrong to risk exposing his desires to the wrong guy.

Everything he’d found with Buck, everything he was feeling now, the glimpses of a future he might have if he could find the courage to reach for it, was all because of Chimney Han’s terrible sense of humour.

That was going to take some time to digest.

888

“Chris is so happy,” Eddie said, sliding his hand down the firm muscles of Buck’s chest. “You should have seen his face. I can’t even bring myself to worry about what comes next, anything was worth my little boy beaming like the sun on Christmas morning, wrapped tight in his mom’s arms.”

“Don’t borrow future pain,” Buck advised with a sigh of sheer comfort as he snuggled closer.

“Another weight taken off my shoulders. At this rate I’ll be mentally healthy by age 40.”

“Aim high, I always say,” Buck quipped, then squirmed as Eddie’s hand slid down to Buck’s taut, quivering belly. “Also don’t start something you can’t finish,” he said huskily, and Eddie chuckled and slid his hand lower.

“Who says I can’t finish it?” Eddie whispered, turning his lips to the skin of Buck’s throat.

“Already?” Buck said, and huffed a chuckle as he sought Eddie’s mouth and kissed him. He rolled over, pressing Eddie against the soft sheets, and Eddie threw back his head and gloried in the feel of that talented mouth travelling down his jaw to the sensitive skin of his throat. Buck was pressed up against him from chest to thigh, and Eddie spread his legs, hands now sliding down to Buck’s firm ass, pulling him even closer as Buck moved against him.

“Buck?” Eddie heard the voice in the hallway, the slam of a door, the tap of heels down the hall.

“Buck,” Eddie said urgently, pushing Buck’s shoulders. “Buck!”

Buck lifted his head, frowned down at him and then turned to the open bedroom door just as Maddie appeared, backlit by the late morning sunlight filling the lounge room behind her.

“Oh my god!” Maddie shrieked, and her hair caught the light like gleaming mahogany as she spun on her heel and raced away.

Buck looked at the now empty doorway, looked down at Eddie, and then back at the door, his eyes wide. “Shit.”

Eddie was pushing his way off the bed even as Buck sprang to his feet and jammed his legs into his pants. “Just wait here,” Buck instructed. “I’ll get rid of her.”

Buck raced from the room, pushing the shutter doors closed behind him as Eddie scrambled for his clothes. He got his own pants on before realisation caught up with him and he sank back on the bed, hands clutching a t shirt. What was he doing? Scrabbling around like some errant lover caught in bed with someone else’s wife? Heart pounding like he was guilty of something? Breath sawing in and out as if he was in the throes of a panic attack?

From the lounge room Buck and Maddie’s voices were clearly audible.

“For gods sake, Maddie,” Buck was saying, his voice as angry as Eddie had ever heard it. “I let you keep a key in case of emergencies, not to just let yourself into my place whenever you felt like it.”

“Well how I was I supposed to know you’d be…” Maddie broke off, probably waving her hands around Eddie guessed, his head sinking onto his chest. “It’s the middle of the day!” Maddie continued.

“I’m a shift worker,” Buck shot back. “What difference does that make? Why are you even here?”

“Never mind that,” Maddie said. “You’re bi, Evan? How did I not know you were bi?”

“I don’t want to get into this right now,” Buck said tersely. “Unless there really is an emergency I just want you to go.”

“So you can get back to him?” Maddie demanded. “Who is it anyway, I didn’t see his face. Is it someone I know?”

Eddie’s head came up like a hunting hound getting the scent. She hadn’t seen his face? She didn’t know it was him? He could wait until she was gone and quietly leave, and she’d never know, never tell anyone, never joke with Chim, and gossip with Hen, and tell all her friends at work. Eddie and Buck could go back to… what? Sneaking around? Lying? Denying themselves even the simplest public displays of affection?

Is that what he even wanted?

Buck had said he wasn’t ready, but Buck was waiting for him to signal that Eddie was ready. Was this the time to do that?

When would be the right time? Was there such a thing as a right time? Could Eddie really just cower in here and then sneak out again when Buck’s sister was gone as if he was ashamed of what he felt for Buck?

Buck deserved better. Eddie felt that truth right down in his bones. It crowded out fear, and shame, and Eddie’s horror at his secrets being exposed to the world. Buck deserved better.

Eddie stood on shaking legs.

And if Buck wasn’t ready yet, well, it was his sister out there. Surely if Buck still needed them to be secret, Maddie would keep his secret for him?

“Buck,” he whispered to give himself strength. Then before he could chicken out like the coward he knew he was, way down deep inside, Eddie pushed open the shutter doors.

“What do you mean, you broke up with her months ago?” Maddie was saying, her hands on her hips, her expression one of incredulity.

“Buck,” Eddie said, and Buck spun around, eyes wide, mouth still forming the words he was going to say to Maddie. Those eyes took him in, studied Eddie’s face, and finally creased as Buck gave him a slow, pleased smile.

“Eddie,” Buck said, and held out his hand.

And those few steps to reach out and take Buck’s hand turned out to be the easiest thing Eddie had ever done. He grasped that outstretched hand, feeling the fingers curling around his. Those talented fingers that had stroked Eddie’s cheek, caressed his skin, traced the lines of Eddie’s lips. Left tiny, tender bruises on his hips and thighs. Eddie grasped them like a lifeline and held on.

Maddie gaped for a moment, then snapped her mouth shut. “Eddie,” she said. The her face creased into a rueful smile and she huffed a laugh. “Of course Eddie. Who else would it be?”

Eddie watched nonplussed as she formed a fist and gently punched Buck’s shoulder.

“You’re  a dark horse,” she accused. “Letting me joke about your crush on Eddie while all the time…” Her brow wrinkled in a frown. “But why the big secrecy?” She looked a trifle suspiciously at Eddie.

Buck glanced at him and Eddie found his voice. He wasn’t going to lie to Buck’s sister, but he wasn’t about to spill his guts to her either.

“I’m in the middle of a divorce,” Eddie said. “And I went for full custody of Christopher.”

Maddie looked surprised, her brows lifting. “I had no idea you were still married.”

“Eddie’s a very private person,” Buck said, squeezing Eddie’s hand. “And he has Chris to think about. We’d appreciate if you kept this to yourself until we’re ready to…”

“Come out,” Eddie said, and Buck slanted him another glance, and tugged him a bit closer.

“Which means do NOT tell Chim,” Buck said firmly.

Maddie looked offended. “I can keep a secret,” she said, and then an odd, unhappy look crossed her face. “Maybe too well sometimes,” she muttered. Then she huffed a laugh  and waved her hands as if erasing her last comment. “Don’t worry, I’ll keep your secret.” Her cheeks flushed and she shrugged apologetically. “And I’m really sorry I walked in on you guys.”

“So I gather it’s not an emergency?” Buck said as she scooped her purse up from the floor and headed to the front door.

“No, I uh, no,” she finished. “I’ll talk to you later.” Maddie opened the door and turned back to them, her shoulders straight. “You take care of my little brother, Eddie. He deserves all the best things in life.”

“I know,” Eddie said sincerely. “I will.”

The door closed behind her with a quiet click and Buck sagged. “Why is it always the quiet Tuesday mornings when life ambushes you?”

Eddie let go of Buck’s hand and cupped his cheek, stepping closer. Buck straightened and looked into his eyes.

Buck,” Eddie said quietly. “I need to tell you something I’ve never told anyone before. Something I didn’t want to admit even to myself. Something that scared me so much I’ve been living a lie for half my life.”

“What is it, Eddie?” Buck said, leaning into Eddie’s caressing hand.

“I’m gay,” Eddie said. Tears filled his eyes and overflowed, but they weren’t tears of fear or worry any more. They were tears of sheer relief.

Buck cupped his face, thumbs swiping at the tracks of his tears, and kissed him softly on the lips. “Thank you for telling me.”

Then he drew Eddie close and they just held each for a little while.

888

“When did you know?” Eddie peered up at Buck’s face. They were cuddled up together on the couch, Eddie’s head on Buck’s strong shoulder, Buck’s long arm wrapped around Eddie’s shoulder.

“Pretty early on,” Buck admitted. “Once we got together I started watching you. In public. Discreetly,” he hastily said when Eddie huffed. “And not in a creepy stalkerish way at all.”

Eddie leaned up and kissed a flushed cheek. “I believe you.”

“Anyway,” Buck drawled as Eddie chuckled. “I watched women watching you - turns out I’m the jealous type, who knew? What I noticed was that you didn’t watch them back. Like, at all.”

“I could have just been a faithful married guy,” Eddie said, then rolled his eyes when Buck lifted an eyebrow. “Okay, fine. You knew better.”

Buck stroked Eddie’s hand where it lay on his thigh. “So… you’re not attracted to women at all, are you?” Buck asked carefully, and Eddie just shook his head. “Not bi?” Eddie shook his head again.

“Just really good at pretending,” Eddie said sadly. “Until Shannon left and I didn’t have to pretend any more.” He shrugged. “I guess I got out of the habit the last couple of years. It’s… exhausting,” Eddie whispered. “Living a lie.”

“I’m sorry you ever had to,” Buck said tenderly. He kissed Eddie’s forehead. “You know, no one has to know that part,” he said carefully. “I don’t mean lie, but people are just going to assume you’re bi, and it’s really no one’s business but yours anyway. I mean if you want to be completely out and proud and wrap yourself in a rainbow flag I’ll be right there next to you.”

Eddie had to smile even though his treacherous gut clenched with fear at the thought. “You would too.”

“Totally,” Buck assured him. “But you’re a private guy, Eddie, everyone knows that. You don’t owe the world all your secrets.”

“Maybe I’ll give the rainbow flag a miss for awhile,” Eddie said. “But I have to talk to Chris, Buck. I want my son to know the truth.”

“You think he’s old enough to understand?”

“I don’t know. Maybe he won’t really understand until he’s older, but at least he’ll know I never lied to him. I… I want him to be better than me. He’s already braver than I ever was.”

“He’s growing up in a different world from the one you did, Eddie. I think he’ll be just fine with the truth. You want me to be there when you talk to him?”

“Desperately,” Eddie said. “But that’s my inner coward still trying to call the shots.”

“Fuck that guy,” Buck said, and they both laughed and held each other until it was time for Eddie to go home.

End of Part One