Chapter Text
Sunday 14th December, 2036
The tree looked lovely. Well, actually, it looked lopsided, because somehow most of the tinsel had ended up on one side, but Aaron gave him The Look if Robert pointed out things like that, so he was going with 'lovely'.
"Great job, guys," Aaron said. "C'mon, let's get a photo with everyone before you all disappear."
He just meant for the evening, Robert was pretty sure, but it still made his stomach twist. Yeah, one day the kids would disappear. Every year, they gathered everyone around the tree to document their family as its members grew up; already, that photo was missing Liv, Rose and Sammy, who all had their own trees to decorate now. It might not be long before Seb wanted to make other plans. This year, Flash was gone, too, and, most significantly of all, Diane. For a good few years, she had joined them for Christmas, enjoying at least a few hours of food and chatting to everyone before she went home; last year, she had been too frail even for that, and now she would never visit them again.
Aaron tapped Robert twice on the top of the head, which was surprising enough to kick Robert out of his current funk.
"Can you turn your brain off, just for a minute?" Aaron said, not unkindly. His expression was both knowing and fond.
"I'll try," Robert agreed.
Aaron gave him a gentle kiss, then leaned in to whisper against his ear, "You don't have to smile."
Robert felt his eyes welling up. This had always been Aaron's gift: the way he made it okay for Robert to just be whatever he was, even when he was hoping for the better version of Robert to grow through - the version he could be when he felt safe, secure and fulfilled. His vision of Aaron was blurry, watching as Aaron went to the phone he had propped up on the back of the sofa and tapped the screen.
"Ten seconds," he said, returning to the tree.
All Robert could think of was getting Aaron's arms around him, feeling safe and seen once again; and so he forgot the imminent photograph and pulled Aaron into an embrace, burying his face into Aaron's neck. Aaron hugged him right back, tight and secure, his soft stomach against Robert's. Their bodies pressed against each other as they breathed, animal and vulnerable. He and Aaron would always have each other.
Robert was reluctant to let go, but responded to Isaac's tugging at them to look at the picture. While the others were distracted, Robert took a moment to discreetly wipe his eyes.
By tradition, they were only allowed one shot at the Christmas photo, and so this was how their family portrait turned out: Isaac doing bunny ears behind Rory, Darryl standing calmly, Hermione reaching out to the Christmas mobile hung over her chair, Seb focused on Hermione while he tried to get her to look towards the phone, and Robert trying to burrow inside Aaron's love and stay there forever.
Once everyone had had a little chuckle at the photo, they began to disperse to get on with their own things. Robert stayed to look at the tree, casting his eyes over baubles that were as much memory as decoration. There was the finger-painted angel that Hermione had made at school; a chunky salt-dough gingerbread person courtesy of Rose; a silver bauble which Rory had painted with Rose's nail varnish for a school competition and which barely held onto its colours any more; an ambitious if youthfully clumsy attempt at a collection of paper snowflakes by Sammy; and so many more, testaments to precise moments in his kids' lives. At least he still had these. At least he still had the proof that his children had been happy and loved, and had loved them in return.
"Pops?"
Robert looked up to see that only Seb was left next to him.
Robert found a smile for him. It was getting easier to find them. "Hey."
"We did a good job on the tree," Seb said.
"Yeah. And it'll be nice to see the photo next to all the others in the album."
They stood gazing at the twinkly lights and shiny baubles. One caught Robert's eye, a battered piece of cardboard cut into the shape of a Christmas tree by a staff member at Seb's nursery, and messily coloured in by a young hand before being sprinkled liberally with glitter and sequins. He touched it gently, asking Seb, "Do you remember making this?"
"Not really," said Seb, blushing. He looked both shy and pleased, knowing the story that Robert was referencing. "I was only four."
"Christmas crafts at pre-school," Robert said, letting his mind wander back through the years. "You were all supposed to make a little decoration for each of your parents, and you insisted on having an extra one because you didn't want Rory to feel left out."
"I mean, they were only two, I don't think they'd have minded," Seb pointed out.
"You were thinking of them, though," Robert said. "That counts for a lot." He watched the glitter sparkling in the fairy lights as it shifted in the wake of his touch. "I'm glad all of us get on so well. It's all your dad and I ever wanted, making a family like this."
Seb gently bumped his shoulder against Robert's. "You're getting sentimental, old man."
"Maybe. But it's good to have had things to be sentimental about, even if..." Even if it hurts so much to have them slowly dragged away from you.
"What?"
Robert clawed himself up again. He didn't want to go there. He had the kids now, and maybe that could be enough. "Even if it makes your kids think you're a bit silly," he said instead, returning Seb's shoulder-bump.
Seb chuckled.
They stood there a few moments more, just inhabiting the moment together. It was nice to take time to reflect.
Robert was about to say that he ought to go and help Isaac with his homework, as he had promised, when Seb blurted out, "I don't think I want to be an architect after all."
Robert was speechless. Seb had been planning everything around being an architect for as long as he could remember. He had done his work experience at an architecture firm. He had hundreds of pounds worth of coffee-table books, bursting with photos of various structures. His notebooks were full of sketches of living rooms and kitchens.
Eventually, Robert managed to ask, "Why?"
"I wanted to design homes for people," Seb said, crossing his arms. "But the only people who are employing architects are rich people who want to build their own castle in the countryside. There'd be a bit of work for public buildings but I just don't think there's enough of the stuff that I wanna do. It's just sitting in a room on my own doing maths."
"And you hate maths," Robert observed. Although the decision was a surprise, the explanation made sense. Seb loved people, and architecture was all about buildings. Buildings that were made for people, yes, but in themselves just bricks and metal and glass. This had been Seb's dream for so long, though. "Have you thought of what else you might like to do?"
"Yeah," said Seb, and his eyes grew wide and earnest, lit by enthusiasm. "I want to be a paramedic."
"Wow," Robert said. "That would be really hard work."
"Yeah," Seb said, but the glint in his eyes did not dim in the slightest. "But it's all about helping people, like, directly. You can be there for people in their worst moments and help make them feel better. And you get to meet all sorts of different people and hear their stories and I just think it would be really cool!"
This was what Robert had lost, he reflected, looking at his son. Like he had told Aaron earlier, he had lost the drive for what he was doing. Once it had been all about pure ambition, status and money, and that had been enough to motivate him. Then work had become more of a means to an end - the money was important, yes, but only for the support and opportunities it afforded his loved ones. He had lost the passion, and, somehow, he needed to find it again.
For now, though, he focused on Seb.
"It's a very important job," he said. "And I think you'd be brilliant at it. You've always been good at talking to people and staying calm in a crisis."
"Thanks, papa," Seb said, his grin widening, then faltering. "I don't know if it's silly, though. I mean, I've got this massive student loan, and I know no one comes chasing you for it or anything, but still. And I'd earn more as an architect than a paramedic."
"But would you love it?" Robert asked. "Would you get up every day excited to go to work, or would you wake up in ten years and think 'why on earth didn't I go after what I really wanted?' Because it's important, Seb, to work towards the things you really care about."
"Yeah..." Seb breathed. He fell into silence, staring at the Christmas tree like he wasn't actually seeing it at all.
"Have you looked into how to become a paramedic?" Robert asked, partly to gauge how serious he really was about all this, partly just out of interest about this new idea.
"Yeah, a bit," Seb said, scratching behind his ear. "You can either be a student paramedic, where you need a bunch of GCSEs and one A-level and you learn on the job, or you can do a degree plus work experience, but I haven't got the grades to get into the uni course. They want two science A-levels, and Health and Social Care counts, but that's all I've got for science. It's enough for the student paramedic route, though," he added brightly.
"Sounds like you've looked into it more than just a bit," Robert said, chuckling.
"Maybe," Seb admitted. "I just think I'd enjoy it a lot more than architecture."
"And that's really important," Robert said sincerely. "Do you want my advice?"
"If I say no, will you tell me anyway?" Seb teased.
"No!" Robert insisted, even though he probably would.
Seb smiled at him. "Go on, then."
"Thank you. My advice is, stick out your course until the end of this year, if you can. It'll be easier than trying to fight them for a refund on the rest of the year, it'll give you time to make sure you're certain about leaving, and if you have the full year under your belt, it'll be more transferable if you ever decide to go back to uni in the future."
"That makes sense," Seb agreed. "Ugh, that means I'll have to do exams."
"Lots of exams, I'm sure," Robert agreed gravely. "Look, you don't have to. If it's really making you miserable -"
"Oh, it's not, really," Seb rushed to reassure him. "It's a bit boring and it's really really hard work, but it's still kind of fun to be living in Halls and hanging out with everyone and learning stuff. It's just, I don't even know if I can pass it, to be honest. And even if I do, I don't think I'd want to use the degree I'd end up with and the longer I stay, the more it costs."
"It's a lot of money for something that you don't really want to do," Robert observed. "Even though it's just a student loan."
"Yeah," said Seb. "I think I'll do what you said and just give it until the end of this year. It's not that long. And maybe I'll see if I can do something related to paramedic stuff at the same time - work experience or something."
"That's a great idea," Robert told him. "I'm proud of you, you know."
"I know," Seb said, rolling his eyes but going pink all the same. "Even though I wasted a year and a bunch of money on a third of a degree?"
"It's not a waste," Robert argued. "It has been important in helping you figure out what you really want to do. It's never too late to change your mind, and your life."
Robert's own advice rang in his ears as he left Seb, filled his pockets with sweets and went to see how Isaac was getting on with his homework. Was it really never too late? He'd heard about people going to university to do degrees in their eighties, people taking up marathon-running in their seventies. Surely he, at fifty, could figure out something new and exciting to dedicate his life to.
He knocked on Isaac's open door before entering. Isaac was transfixed by the marble maze ball he was turning and tilting in his hands.
"I see the homework's going well," Robert teased.
"I can't," said Isaac, the frustration raw in his voice as his grip tightened on the sphere he was holding. "I cannot make myself do it."
"Hey, come on, it's not about making you," Robert reminded him. "What do we need to do to make it easier to succeed?"
Isaac hopped up his mini climbing wall without letting go of the marble maze. His climbing wall couldn't contain many moves now that he was, of course, taller than he'd been when he was younger, but he still liked to use it to climb up to his loft bed. "Music," he said, coming back down a couple of holds and leaning over to drop the marble maze and pluck his earbuds from his desk. Robert could hear the beat leaking through.
"What else?" he prompted.
"Ugghhh," Isaac groaned. "Motivation. I don't have any."
"I could give you a sweet every time you finish a question," Robert suggested; this was why he had stocked his pockets with Haribo.
Isaac thunked his head to rest against the wall and laughed weakly. "Why do I have the brain of a dog?"
"You don't have the brain of a dog," Robert said firmly. "You have the brain of an Isaac, and it's important that we work with it and not against it."
Isaac sighed. "Fine. Let's... do something, I guess."
"It'll be over before you know it," Robert said bracingly.
"It won't," Isaac said glumly. "It'll be endless and awful, but eventually it'll be done."
"That's the spirit."
--
Through a combination of encouragement and bribery, Isaac managed to keep himself on-task for long enough to complete his homework. Once it was done, he threw it into his school bag with a sense of grim finality and flopped down to lie spread-eagled on his floor. He looked exhausted.
"You did a fantastic job," Robert told him. "Well done. Does it feel good to have it done and out of the way?"
"I wish my brain worked like that," Isaac groaned. He popped back up to his feet and started rummaging through a pile of clothes on his floor. "I'm going for a run."
"It's raining," Robert pointed out, after a glance out of the window.
"I don't care. I need to move or I'm gonna implode."
"Fair enough," Robert conceded. He stood up, ready to beat a hasty retreat so that Isaac could get changed. "Oi." He held up a hand for a high-five. "Be proud of yourself, kiddo."
Isaac slapped an emphatic high-five against Robert's hand. "Thanks pops. See you later. And thanks for your help."
"You're always welcome," Robert assured him. "I like helping."
He did like helping, Robert mused, as he wandered back downstairs, lured by the prospect of biscuits and tea. He went into the kitchen and prepared each of these without really seeing anything, his brain whirring away as an idea began to form.
Some people went to uni in their eighties. Surely, it couldn't be too late for Robert to retrain completely, and take an entirely different path.
He could hear Aaron talking to Hermione in her room, and ambled over. He stood in the doorway and watched them petting the piggies.
Maybe it was too early to talk about; maybe this thought would crumple under the weight of another's scrutiny... but this was Aaron, and he and Aaron talked about everything.
"I think I've had an idea," Robert said. The words came out sounding strained, like they were struggling to contain the enormity of this thought.
Aaron looked at him, and Robert could see that he had picked up on the significance at once. "What kind of idea?"
"For a job I might want to do." The moment of bright clarity began to disintegrate in the face of crowding doubts: he'd probably be no good at it, and it wouldn't pay a huge amount, and maybe Aaron would think it was silly -
All at once, Aaron was next to him, and prodding him gently into the living room. Aaron closed Hermione's door to give them a moment of privacy, and stood staring up at Robert eagerly. "What's the idea?" he prompted.
Robert took a steadying breath. This was Aaron. Aaron loved him and challenged him and wanted the best for him, always. "I thought... maybe I'd like to be a tutor for kids with learning disabilities, or who are neurodivergent." His mouth ran on without him, "I've always liked teaching our kids, and we've had to fight so much to get Darryl and Isaac the support they needed at school. I could be part of helping other kids like them have a better experience, and learn in the way that they need to learn."
When Aaron spoke, his voice was rough with emotion. "That's amazing," he said. "And you're amazing. And I love you so much."
Robert let out a shaky breath. "You don't think it's silly?"
"Of course it's silly," said Aaron, a grin spreading across his face. "It's absolute madness. You're gonna work twice as hard and earn half as much. But I haven't seen you look this fired-up about something in ages. You're gonna be brilliant."
"I hope so," Robert said. "I've had plenty of practice."
"And not just that," Aaron reminded him. "You know what kids are facing at school, because of all the arguing you've done with SENCos and headteachers over the years." Aaron drew in a quick breath, his eyes widening with an idea. "What about being a SENCo? You're so good at getting people to listen to what the kids need."
A Special Educational Needs Coordinator. Someone who was in charge of advocating for a child's needs in school and organising any extra support that they needed. Aaron was right, he'd had a lot of practice arguing with SENCos and school staff for Isaac and Darryl. He still liked the idea of working with children directly, but if he could be a voice in school for them, too, fighting for their rights - well, just imagine what a difference he could make.
He smiled at Aaron, his heart thundering with excitement over his career prospects for the first time in years. "Did I ever tell you, you're a genius?"
"No," Aaron said wryly. "But I'm glad you can finally see it."
Thursday 25th December, 2036
"Rob," Aaron said softly, making Robert start. "Everyone's ready for breakfast."
Aaron and Robert's relationship was an honest one, these days. Robert had briefly lost touch with this over the past year, but he was fixing that now. His heart would once again be an open book to the man he had chosen to share his life with.
But there was one lie that he was keeping to himself.
It was just a little white lie, that he had told Aaron one summer while the kids were still small. He had said that he didn't like to be called 'Rob'. It was mostly true. He didn't like strangers to call him Rob. He didn't like to be Rob all of the time. He had told Aaron that he preferred to be called Robert because it kept it rare. It meant that Aaron only called him Rob when he forgot himself, when he was relaxed and comfortable. They weren't a couple who used pet names, but to hear 'Rob' in Aaron's softest voice carried the same warmth as an 'I love you'.
Robert looked up from the computer in their room, his eyes square from the intensity of his focus on the screen. "I'll be there in a second."
Coming closer, a faint smile pulled at Aaron's lips. "Are you still looking up uni courses?"
He was caught. "Yeah. I'm trying to decide whether it'd be better to do the BA SEND then a postdoc in teaching, or do the primary education with SEND degree which gives you QTS all in one. It's a year faster but it sounds like there's less focus on the SEND aspect. But then there are some sites that say you should have a degree in the subject you're tutoring in, so I'm not sure if I should pick one subject to do a degree in and just do separate teaching and SEND courses afterwards? What do you think?"
"I think you should do the thing you're most excited about, and figure things out from there," Aaron said, resting a hand on Robert's shoulder as he leaned down to give him a kiss. "But first, I think you should come and eat some of the pastries Rose brought us, while there's still some left."
Robert sighed happily and took off his new glasses. "You do make a good argument."
Rose had come over the day before with her platonic partner, Ash, and somehow they'd managed to find beds for them until they left on boxing day. By then, all the pastries would undoubtedly be gone, with none left over for Liv, Vic, Adam and Harry, who were visiting on boxing day.
Robert followed his husband downstairs, the fire of a newly-ignited passion still warming his lungs.
The warmth of the sight that greeted him in their living room was a calmer one; like a hearthfire, or a hot bath. Isaac was showing Hermione her Santa presents - the others judged themselves too old for stockings, but seemed to enjoy contributing a little something to Hermione's. The main presents would come later. The dads of the family had been together too long to go much beyond a packet of socks or a set of pyjamas. It usually included some form of alcohol, too, but for now Aaron's beer and Robert's wine was hidden in the back of a drawer in their wardrobe out of respect for Claire, who would be coming for lunch. She had now been completely sober for five and a half months - the longest she had managed since Isaac was born.
Seb, Darryl, Rory, Rose and Ash, all still in their pyjamas, were crowded around the pastries laid out on the coffee table, bickering good-naturedly about who was getting which one. Robert took his place among them all, with Aaron squeezing in next to him on the sofa.
"Alright, kids, feeding time at the zoo is now open," Aaron announced, and almost everyone, including Robert and Aaron, lunged for their favourites. Darryl, who didn't like being touched, never participated in these skirmishes, yet still somehow ended up with one of his favourites when it was all over. It was one of the many things that made Robert proud to be a part of this family. He hoped they would be a bit more cut-throat in the wider world, but among family, they all looked out for each other.
"When's your mum coming?" Robert asked around a mouthful of custard slice.
"I think she said twelve," said Isaac, at exactly the same time as Aaron quipped,
"As soon as she smells the roasties cooking."
Each of them was talking about their own mum.
"She'll be gone by two because she wants to go to the meeting in Hotten at three," Isaac went on.
"She'll be really proud of you for giving up the nicotine," Aaron said.
"I'm really proud of her for giving up the... everything," Isaac replied.
"What about your mum?" Aaron asked, looking at Robert carefully over his apple turnover. "Are we going to see her, later?"
Robert took a moment to steady himself. He hadn't been to Diane's grave since her funeral. It was time to start facing her, though; facing her loss. "Yeah," he said. "I've got a lot to tell her."
"D'you reckon she'd be pleased that you're finally getting to go to university?" Aaron said.
Robert smiled, both at the notion of telling Diane about his plans and the fact that Aaron had remembered conversations they had had in the past, where Robert had explained that as a young man, he had intended to go to university to study something related to computers, but it had never worked out. "Yeah," he said. "I reckon she would."
"What do you want to be a tutor for, anyway?" Isaac asked. "School's rubbish."
"That's exactly why I want to be a tutor," Robert said, pointing at him. "Because people like you, who have different ways of learning, have a bad time there. Every kid deserves to have a safe place to learn and grow in an atmosphere of respect and consideration, and I'm going to make that place for the time that they're with me."
"He's gonna be brilliant," Aaron announced, his eyes crinkled in a fond smile.
"Yes," Robert agreed, because he was, he was going to be the best tutor any child had ever had, and show them how to love learning. "I am."