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G’raha’s head shot up from where he’d been looking out the window as the door to his room opened, eyes squinting as the light from the hall trickled in. He opened his mouth to say something, expecting Krile to walk in again, but the words died in his throat when the Warrior of Light stepped into view.
After their initial joyous and tearful reunion, G’raha hadn’t seen Celestaux once. Of course, Krile told him about Celestaux asking after him and checking in while he slept, but the few hours G’raha had been awake were mostly spent alone, trying to piece himself back together and understand who he even was anymore.
Despite being asleep for a few years, his body demanded even more rest after the warrior awoke him from the tower– especially once the Exarch’s soul merged with his own and ensuing headaches almost knocked him out instantly.
“Oh, I’m sorry. Krile said- I thought you were still asleep, I was just going to- I should’ve knocked, I’m sorry. How are you feeling?” Celestaux asked quietly, his eyes so full of emotion that G’raha had to look away.
He looked back out at the darkened streets of Revenant’s Toll and the night sky above– something that made the pieces of the Exarch’s soul ache terribly. “I’m alright, still… tired, mainly. The headaches have been lessening as of late,” he said, still not turning back to look at the warrior.
“Good, that’s good. You’ve had us all worried, love,” he breathed out, and G’raha had to stop himself from flinching at the word.
Love. He said it so… casually, like he’d said it a hundred times – and G’raha supposed he had, to the Exarch. Memories of all the little times he said it sprung to mind, almost making G’raha blush as images of Celestaux and the Exarch in bed together played out behind his eyes. It felt… strange. He knew that on some level that was him. That the Exarch was also G’raha Tia, just as he was, but also he… wasn’t. The life the Exarch had lived wasn’t this G’raha’s. He wasn’t really the one who awoke hundreds of years in the future, he wasn’t really the one to guide an entire nation through hell and back, he wasn’t really the one the Warrior of Light fell in love with.
G’raha heard Celestaux lean against the doorframe– ever the gentleman, refusing to come further into the room without being given permission. He’d stay there until G’raha asked him to come in or asked him to leave. Even though he practically considered them married, he’d never press without permission. G’raha wanted so badly to be upset with him for making everything harder, but he couldn’t. Not when he had no idea and even still was so kind.
G’raha took a deep breath and found the courage to turn around again, looking back over at Celestaux. He still had that easy smile on his face, though G’raha could tell that there was some nervousness beneath it. The last time they had seen each other had been… so different from now. The Exarch’s soul had just been deposited into G’raha’s body and it was like the Exarch had taken control for a moment, like he had given Celestaux the moment that they both needed. G’raha had been there, but it had felt like it wasn’t quite him that was speaking to the warrior. They got their tearful reunion, they got to exchange rings once again, and they got to be happy.
And now G’raha was going to ruin it. He had the memories of the Exarch, yes, but after he’d passed out again once they returned to Revenant’s Toll, it was like the Exarch had withdrawn. Like their souls fully merged and the Exarch knew that he wasn’t meant to maintain control. The Exarch had lived a long enough life, he was leaving it to G’raha now.
G’raha almost wished he hadn’t.
“Oh, you’re not-” Celestaux said, seemingly before he could stop himself, making G’raha furrow his brow.
He followed his gaze, glancing down at his neck and swallowing hard when he realized what Celestaux saw. G’raha was wearing the necklace Tataru had made for him– a piece of the tower, something that had become a comforting weight when he was awake – but the necklace with the ring Celestaux had given the Exarch was missing, settled on the nightstand beside his bed instead.
G’raha opened his mouth like he was going to say something, but no words came out. What was he supposed to say? What could he say?
Still, the poorly concealed hurt in Celestaux’s eyes tore into him. He hadn’t done anything wrong and he knew Celestaux wouldn’t comment on it, he would never push on anything or ask for an explanation, but that made G’raha want to give one even more. Celestaux deserved an answer.
“I apologize,” he said instead, lowering his gaze to his hands. He wringed them anxiously in his lap. “I… Come in, I think we should talk,” he said, unable to look back up at Celestaux.
G’raha’s ears twitched as he heard the door click shut, taking a deep breath.
“Are we okay? Did you- Did I do something?” Celestaux asked quietly, nearly startling a laugh out of G’raha.
Of course he’d blame himself first, as if he could ever do anything wrong.
“No, you didn’t. You’ve been… so patient with me. I- it’s complicated,” G’raha said slowly, looking back out the window at the stars.
Celestaux stayed silent and G’raha was too much of a coward to turn to look at him, instead he closed his eyes and let the flood of memories of the Exarch and Celestaux staring up at the night sky in another world mix with memories of his own of Celestaux and himself looking up at this exact sky together before he locked himself in the tower. It felt strange how it all seemed to blend together, how it all fit together perfectly.
“You did still succeed with bringing the Exarch’s soul to the Source, that has not changed,” he began, ignoring the small sigh of relief that he heard Celestaux breathe out. “His memories merged with my own, so I remember everything, but-” G’raha let out a breath and opened his eyes, looking up at the sky and trying to ignore the uncomfortable pit in his stomach. “But I am not the Exarch, not entirely at least. I feel tied to him, of course, and I understand him, but I do not know if I could ever see myself as him. When you awoke me, it was almost as if his… consciousness took over and he was the one who greeted you, but since then it has disappeared. He has disappeared and I’m not sure he will ever return like that again,” G’raha continued, trying to ignore the pain in his heart.
He knew what he wanted to say next, he’d been thinking about it the last few days every time he awoke to Krile telling him how worried Celestaux was about him or how sweet they were. He’d held his tongue around her, not ready to voice it all, but G’raha knew he needed to say it now. For both of them.
He breathed out slowly, staring a little more intently at the sky so he wouldn’t lose his nerve. “I… I may have the memories of the Exarch and your relationship and in some way they do feel like my memories, but I also have this feeling in my gut that it was not me that you fell in love with. I- I’m sorry, but I believe it unfair to us both to pretend otherwise. I don’t think I’m truly the Exarch, nor do I believe I’m the G’raha Tia you met just a few years ago on the Source – but I think that’s the closest to being me right now. Either way… I’m not the man you fell in love with. In fact, I’m actually the man that you rejected,” G’raha tried to laugh about the last point, but he knew that it sounded more sad than anything.
It needed to be said, though.
Not that long ago, his energetic and boyish self – something that seemed so foreign to him as a hundred years of memories from the Exarch swirled around in his mind – had nearly tried to kiss Celestaux under the moonlight in Saint Coinach's Find, earning him a very polite rejection and offer to be friends instead.
It made the fact that Celestaux fell in love with an alternate version of himself hurt more than he’d expected. A blow to his feelings and his pride.
The room was silent for a long while afterwards, tempting G’raha to turn around and look at Celestaux, but he resisted. He knew the warrior needed time to think about what he said, to process it all, but G’raha needed an answer. He wanted desperately to know what Celestaux was thinking, but he was still too much of a coward to actually find out. Just the thought of the devastation or disappointment or pain that might be on Celestaux’s face was too much for him to even think about, let alone see.
Especially because G’raha did still care so deeply about him. His feelings were still the same as they were before he locked himself in the tower, stronger even now that he had the Exarch’s memories of the warrior. It made the whole conversation hurt even more.
“No, you’re right. That wouldn’t be fair to either of us,” Celestaux finally broke the silence, making G’raha let out a breath that he hadn’t realized he was holding. “I do… I want to say that I didn’t reject you because I didn’t like you, though,” he added, and that is what made G’raha finally turn to look at him.
“Please don’t lie to me. I don’t need you to try to make me feel better,” G’raha said quietly, trying to look anywhere but in Celestaux’s eyes.
Celestaux just shook his head, though, his mouth set in a hard line. “I would never, that’d be cruel,” he said, gravely serious in a way that made the knot in G’raha’s stomach tighten strangely. “I mean it, I thought you were sweet, but I wasn’t ready for a relationship. It’d barely been a year since I ended my last relationship after being convinced that I would marry her. I just… I wasn’t letting myself consider anything like that again. Honestly, I didn’t think I’d ever consider dating again,” he said, biting his bottom lip as he finished.
G’raha sighed softly, rubbing at his eyes before letting his hands fall back into his lap. Why did it have to be even more complicated? “I… That’s fair, I did forget about that, I’m sorry,” he said quietly, looking back down at his hands as he unconsciously wrung them. “But you did eventually consider dating again– and with a better version of me,” he said, trying not to sound bitter. He didn’t really blame Celestaux, the Exarch was so much more than he could think to be.
“He was not a better version of you,” Celestaux said immediately, voice stern in a way G’raha didn’t think he’d ever heard from him. It made G’raha duck his head, feeling like a young kit being scolded. “And I didn’t consciously consider it, it just… happened and I let it because it’s been years now since I called things off with El and it finally felt like I could move on,” Celestaux added.
G’raha didn’t know what to say. He could feel his head starting to ache again, but he did his best to ignore it for now. They needed to finish this discussion before he could go back to sleeping his days away.
“I knew the whole time that the Exarch was you- or some version of you… I didn’t fall for him because he was the leader of a nation or because he worked for a hundred years to save two worlds. Honestly, I’m sure the Exarch’s memories could tell you that I actually wasn’t fond of him at first because he was putting on this persona of someone I knew that wasn’t quite him- you , even. And then once I stopped wanting to throttle him for that and for the situation we were all in, I started to fall for him because of his humor, his determination, his passion, his selflessness… Which are all things I know you, G’raha Tia, share with him. It was the Exarch’s grand speech about imagining a future that he didn’t think would ever come to pass that made me realize that I was in love with him, which isn’t something unique to the Exarch,” Celestaux explained, saying the last bit with a small laugh.
The knot in G’raha’s stomach only tightened further, though. He looked back up from his hands again, brow furrowed deeply as he tried to understand what Celestaux was saying. It couldn’t be… His head pounded behind his eyes, but G’raha shook it lightly, finally looking up to meet Celestaux’s eyes. He seemed almost… hopeful, causing G’raha’s stomach to do a new set of flips.
“What are you saying, then?” G’raha asked softly. “I don’t… Sure, the things you loved about the Exarch may be traits that I have as well, but that doesn’t change the fact that I am not who you fell in love with,” he said slowly, refusing to let himself read too deeply into Celestaux’s words.
“No, you are not,” Celestaux agreed. “I will ensure that I do not think of you as just the Exarch. I… I’m saying that I would like to start again. You’re not the Exarch and I’m not the same man that you last remember me as, I’ve changed quite a lot from when we first met, but… I want to make us work. If that means starting from square one, that would be okay with me. I-” he paused, like whatever had to say next pained him, but continued after a moment, “I would even be alright with us returning the rings, if it made you more comfortable.”
“No,” G’raha said immediately, surprising even himself. Part of him wondered if there was some consciousness of the Exarch still around, but he knew otherwise. G’raha took a moment to actually let Celestaux’s words sink in, trying not to let his emotions bubble up. “I don’t want you to give the ring back and I… I know I’m not wearing yours, but I would like to keep it, if that’s alright with you?” he asked, watching as a brilliant smile spread across Celestaux’s face.
“It’s yours for as long as you want it,” he said immediately, and the knot in G’raha’s stomach finally loosened a little.
G’raha let himself smile, too. “Thank you. I… I’d like to try to make us work, too. I don’t know if we’re back at square one, but perhaps somewhere in between there and where you and the Exarch were,” he offered, watching as Celestaux nodded in agreement.
“I think that’s perfect. I… I will do my best to not overstep, please tell me if something is too much,” he said, but G’raha just shook his head.
“I… We’ll figure it out together. Thank you.”
“Together,” Celestaux agreed, standing up from his seat and stepping closer to him.
For a moment, a new set of anxiety pooled in G’raha’s stomach as Celestaux took the few steps to cross the room and stand beside him at the desk– was he going to kiss him? Were they there yet already? Was he ready for that?
But instead Celestaux passed him to look at the table beside his small bed, sorting through some of the potions before grabbing one and turning back around to G’raha. “For your pain,” he said, passing the potion back to him.
G’raha stared, mouth wide open as he took a moment to just look at the glass bottle in Celestaux’s hand. “How did you know I was-” he started, but stopped when Celestaux smiled softly at him.
“You get a little crinkle between your brows when you’re in pain. Your head has been hurting for a bit, hasn’t it?” he said, nodding to the potion in his hands again for G’raha to take.
And he did, popping the cork off the bottle almost immediately and downing the concoction that Krile had brewed for him. “It has. The amount of memories that talking to you stirred up was a bit… overwhelming,” he explained, gently rubbing the spot between his brows as if that would immediately relieve whatever Celestaux saw.
The warrior just nodded in understanding. “I’ll let you get some rest, then,” he said, glancing out the window behind G’raha and shaking his head a little. “It’s rather late anyway.”
G’raha nodded, watching as Celestaux started to walk towards the door. Just as he was almost out of reach, something in G’raha made him reach out and grab Celestaux’s hand. “Before you go, p-perhaps in a day or two or- or whenever I’m feeling more up to it, we could get lunch or- or dinner or something. Just… just the two of us? We could talk more and- and it’d maybe be a date?” he asked quickly, stumbling over the words as his cheeks burned nearly as red as his hair.
The bright, brilliant smile Celestaux gave him nearly knocked the wind out of him. “I’d love that, Raha,” he agreed, and hearing his name fall from Celestaux’s lips made his heart flutter. “It’s a date.”
G’raha smiled back, giving Celestaux’s hand a small squeeze before letting it go. “It’s a date, my star,” he echoed, letting the pet name he knew the Exarch used for the warrior fall from his lips.
The way Celestaux’s eyes widened and how his smile softened made it worth it.
“Good night, G’raha Tia,” Celestaux said, still looking over his shoulder as he walked to the door.
“Good night, Celestaux Vairemont,” he whispered just as the door fell shut.