Chapter Text
A heavy sigh broke through the noise over-crowding Laios’ mind. Chilchuck was lying face down on his bed and Laios was carefully doing all that he could to not think about the things they had said to each other. While the cathartic release of sex had been amazing, the angry red bruises forming on Chilchuck’s hips were only reinforcing those feelings of guilt. All Laios could do was choke it down and do his best attempt to focus on taking care of the other man, cleaning up the physical mess they had made.
Laios cleared his throat, his vocal chords felt so raw, like they didn’t belong to him anymore. “You alright Chil?”
“Honestly, I don't even know how to respond to that Laios.” Chilchuck’s voice came out muffled at first but he turned his head so that he could look at him over his shoulder.
Laios chewed on the inside of his lip, nodding in agreement. He wasn’t sure where to even begin. “That’s fair. I don’t think I know either.”
The two of them fell into heavy silence again, it wasn’t exactly uncomfortable but the air felt so thick between them.
Laios got up and gathered the soiled towels and dirty water, he needed to do something to fill the space widening again between them. His hands itched with a nervous energy that he didn’t know where to place.
Again he was reminded, almost painfully so, of how different things felt with Chilchuck in comparison to the other people he had slept with. None of them had ever warranted any of these feelings and it just left him in that strange middling ground of aching melancholy.
He set everything down on the wash stand and caught a glimpse of himself in the bathroom mirror. If there wasn’t this overwhelming gloom over everything he would have been more inclined to appreciate the garish purplish marks covering his neck. Or the angry red scratches scored along his arms. Now they only served as a reminder of how badly he had fucked up.
How do I even go about fixing this?
When he returned to the room, Chilchuck was sitting up right and was staring intently at his own hands. It was as if he couldn’t bring himself to look at him.
Or maybe Chilchuck just couldn’t stand the sight of him.
“We should probably talk, huh?” Laios said, swallowing down the awful feeling swirling in his stomach.
“Yeah we probably should.” Chilchuck sighed looking up at him, bringing his knees up and holding them to his chest.
Laios forced down the lump in his throat, why was it like this that everytime he tried to say anything of substance his mind felt like a jumbled mess. It was obvious though that they couldn’t just keep on going and pretending everything was fine.
Just say something.
“...I’m still mad at you, and you… have every right to be mad at me.” The hurt and anger was still there but the venom was gone.
Chilchuck sighed letting his legs relax. “I don’t want to be mad at you, Laios. I am don't get me wrong. I’m just tired of feeling that way.”
Laios climbed onto the bed next to him, pulling the blanket over both their laps. He sat quietly for a moment, trying to find the words to say. “I just, I don’t understand why you couldn’t just come talk to me. You talked to everyone else. Even Mithrun for fucks sake but not me. Why?”
Delicate fingers hesitantly brushed against his but stopped just short of actually taking his hand. Laios’ heart ached at the staggering distance that only lay a few inches wide.
“...I don’t know. I really wanted to write to you at first. I missed you and I already knew things with Lilylea had ended, but it still hurt to have it be so blatantly in my face. She’s engaged now, I like her fiance, he’s a nice guy but it doesn’t change how much that sucks.” Chilchuck fell quiet for a moment, when he looked back at Laios, the pain in his eyes was evident.
“I really wanted to see you but I was so worried that I was just going to mess up the same way with you. I knew it was going to fall apart. And it was going to be because of me. I had all these things in my head about how cruel and awful I had been to you at times. How I had left… I couldn’t figure out why you would ever want to be with me…You deserve better.” Chilchuck’s fingers anxiously fiddled with the blanket.
“Why do you think you aren’t good enough for me? You are amazing!” Laios blurted out, he reached out to grab Chilchuck’s hand but pulled back abruptly, hesitant to actually bridge that gap again and actually touch him. “I-I, you know when the Winged Lion said that I would never get what I really wanted, I thought first of Falin…but then I thought about you. And the very notion that I would never get whatever we were again, well that hurt worse.”
“Laios …please you can’t say these things to me. How can you possibly mean any of that? I hurt you.” Chilchuck mumbled barely able to look at him.
“I hurt you too though.” Laios whispered back, finally giving in to the impulse and closing the distance, gently taking Chilchuck’s hand in his.
Chilchuck finally looked back at him and Laios felt that familiar punch to his chest at the vulnerability openly displayed on the older man’s face. His eyes were wet with unshed tears and Laios was taken back to those brief moments in the dungeon when Chilchuck let himself be seen like this.
“You did Laios but I…I left you. I did exactly the same thing to you that I did to Lily. It became easier to pretend like everything was fine. Just focus on work. So many of my people were struggling and in need and it became so much easier to just focus on them. ”
Laios puffed out a long exhale, it was all so familiar. “I understand all of that but you know I would have happily done everything I could to help with all of that, but you cut me out.” He felt that frustration building in his chest again.
“You still did though. Even though I did all of that. Everything we sent to you from the guild you implemented. Dandan told me that you were even the one to insist that accessibility features for my people became mandatory. Why did you do all of that?” Chilchuck’s grip tightened on his hand.
“Because it was what needed to happen.” Laios said simply. “The first couple months went by so quickly and as much as I missed you I understood how busy you were…It still doesn’t explain why you never wrote to me but still kept tabs on me.”
“Turnabout's fair play Laios, you did the exact same. You didn’t write to me either but you knew exactly where I was. Why? And don’t say because of boundaries. You might be good at respecting mine but even still you never had a problem talking to me before. Even when I didn’t want to.” Chilchuck let go of his hand and shifted so that he was facing him more clearly.
“...I don’t really know Chil.” Laios sighed. “I get so in my head sometimes and managed to convince myself that if you didn’t write first then you didn’t want anything to do with me. Even still I guess…I just needed to make sure you were doing okay. It made me feel better to know that, even if I couldn’t be a part of it.”
“Well aren’t we a fine pair of idiots then.” Chilchuck let out a dry snort.
“I guess we are.” Laios let out a wry chuckle. “What changed Chil?” He said after a moment. “Why did you decide to reach out?”
Chilchuck got quiet. “I wasn’t going to. But then I got a letter from Marcille. You know how pushy she can be.” Laios let out a chuckle at that. Chilchuck gave a small smile, but Laios saw it fade slightly as the older man kept talking. “I think objectively I knew that you may have moved on, but seeing it in person made it so much worse. I was…well I didn’t like it. Never knew I could feel so jealous until I saw you at The Laughing Wolf. I was angry at myself too for pushing you so far away. I was just going to try and forget. I- I couldn’t though, it hurt too much.”
“He meant nothing to me Chil, I just needed to feel something and he was there. I could only think of you.” Laios felt ill, it hadn’t just been that knight, there had been others, and he couldn’t even remember what any of them had looked like.
“That doesn’t make it better Laios.” Chilchuck’s voice broke, and Laios heart along with it.
“...I know. I have no excuse.” Laios felt a sick shame creep into his heart. It wasn’t like he had cheated. They weren’t in a relationship but still that feeling wormed in and he couldn’t shake it.
That sticky silence returned and that distance of mere inches turned into a chasm.
Neither man could look the other in the eye and the blanket acted as a barrier between them. Laios wanted nothing more than to reach out, apologize till he was blue in the face. Somehow make it so that Chilchuck knew that he had been the only one he truly desired. That he was all that mattered.
“I don’t know if you want to hear this Chil, but I am so sorry.”
Chilchuck let out a heavy sigh. “I know. I’m sorry too.”
It was the best response that Laios could have hoped to have gotten. The distance still felt too wide but the silence wasn’t suffocating anymore.
“Can I ask you something?” Chilchuck spoke after a moment. “What about that bottle of wine? You had a lot to drink at dinner. Back when we first met, that amount at dinner alone would have put you down for the count. How long has that been happening?”
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“Laios I’m worried about you, do you want to talk about it. You seem different, there is something off. What is going on?” Falin’s face swam in front of him and it was so hard to focus.
His speech felt slurred and he was having a difficult time concentrating on looking at her. “I mmm finne Fallin you worry t’much.”
He hadn’t wanted to but he had slipped up. He had been trying so hard to not give in but it had been two days and his withdrawal symptoms were at their worst. Laios had heard the gossip at the tavern, even in the scrubby little town they were staying in, there was still a place that had a certain reputation.
It was stupid and illogical and Laios knew that, but the pain in his head had intensified to the point that it was making him nauseous and made it feel like every nerve in his body was poking through his skin. Drinking at the tavern had only made him want it more.
It hadn’t taken much asking around for him to get the information he needed. In a basement below an abandoned hut just outside of town he had lost himself in a dark room full of heavy smoke.
“Brother are you drunk?” Falin leaned closer, too close and Laios swayed back. The usual smile she kept on her face had disappeared, she grabbed his face forcing him to look at her. Laios tried to brush her aside but he felt delayed, like his arms weren’t following his commands.
Laios felt a hysterical giggle escape him. It was like he could see himself from outside his body. “Iss fine.” His head felt lighter and he stumbled pulling his face away from her hands.
“No, not drunk, this is something else. Come on, let's get you inside, We will talk about this in the morning.”
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Chilchuck was watching him closely and Laios shook his head, he must have zoned out again. “Sorry Chil. I don’t really like talking about it. But do you remember that time in the Dryad grove?”
“What do you mean? I hope you aren’t talking about Senshi’s failed attempt at the ‘talk’ with me?” Chilchuck laughed drily.
Laios felt that easy warmth seep back in, of everything he had missed, Chilchuck’s wit was probably the thing he missed most. He chuckled in return, he appreciated the attempt at humor but he needed to stay on task. “Not quite what I was talking about.”
Chilchuck nodded. “No, I think I know what you mean.”
“Thank you for stopping me that night.”
“Of course Laios, anytime.”
But that’s not true is it.
“You say anytime, but you weren’t around. I was doing so good for so long. I just wanted to not feel anything especially when I hadn’t heard from you in so long. Being numb was better than being empty.” Laios pinched the bridge of his nose, pulling in a long breath. “It’s my fault and my responsibility but I really struggled with this… I messed up again.”
“Say so sooner Laios! Why did you hide this from me?” Chilchuck sounded almost frantic and Laios felt that anger building again.
“Hide it from you? How could I hide anything from someone who wasn’t around?” He wasn’t trying to yell but he was struggling to keep his emotions in check. Stop take a deep breath. Laios closed his eyes and inhaled slowly, before exhaling in a rush. “What should I have done then, Chil?”
“I…that’s fair.” Chilchuck said sadly. “Can we talk about it now?”
“I don’t know what there is to really say.” How did he even begin to explain the deep aching pit inside himself that had been there for so long?
“How long have you felt like this?” It was so kind. Why did Chil care?
Laios wavered, his nails digging sharply into his palms. Did he really want to go into all of this? It was not a part of himself that he was proud of. Talking about it always made him feel worse. Chilchuck gently grabbed his hand, forcing his fingers to relax and stop him from digging them into his flesh.
He took a deep breath in, letting himself sit within the moment.
I can do this.
“As long as I can remember. When I was a kid and it was just me and Falin, I always felt…different. Like I didn’t belong. If I felt numb then I wouldn’t have to feel like that. I got my first book about monsters when I was five, and that was the first time I really heard about them. Suddenly I didn’t feel so different, there were other creatures that existed out there and their differences made them unique. Special. It got easier to just be then, even amongst all the whispers and …the fights.” He wasn’t ready to talk about that yet. Not even Falin knew the extent of what he had experienced back then.
Laios continued the words raspy in his throat. “I had Falin and there were monsters. I could deal with being…me.” Laios got quiet. He hated talking about this. “Then things changed. They were going to send Falin away, because of her magic. It was stupid and I hated it there.”
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“Father, I don't understand. She did nothing wrong. Why are you sending her away?”
“I don’t owe you any explanation boy. “ His voice was so low and quiet that Laios swallowed hard trying to keep the fear in check. He took a step back. That tone only got used when he was angry. His father stepped towards him hand raised. “I will hear no more from you on this. Now get out of my sight.”
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Chilchuck’s hand in his acted like a life preserver. A rope to cling to. “I left and went off to the army, I had to make it so that Falin and I were safe and allowed to just be ourselves. I wanted to study more about monsters but it wasn’t a practical way to make money. So I did what I had to and joined the northern continental army, but the other members of my regiment, just like at home or in school, hated me. They broke my hand once, they took my book and when I tried to get it back they stomped on my hand.”
Chilchuck made a strangled sound and Laios was afraid to look at the older man. He had long ago, or at least he thought, dealt with the awful feelings that all of this brought up for him.
“That was the first time but it only got worse from there, the beatings continued and no one ever stepped in, not even the commanders. But then one day another person did. I thought he really saw me for me but that was also a lie. I gave him what he wanted and in return he made me numb. He’s who got me started with …the poppy.” Laios trailed off, he felt so exposed right now. This part of his life, he had never really spoken about. He had buried it all so deep but the scab had been peeled off and everything was now visible.
It was why he never pushed Chilchuck to share parts of his personal life, because some things were better left buried.
“You know the rest, I deserted and reunited with Falin and now we’re here.” Falin was the only one who would ever know about that last attack from his regiment. He would take that shame with him to his grave.
It was so quiet now and Laios couldn’t hear anything over the sound of his heart thudding in his ears. It was so much to acknowledge and it hurt just like a fresh wound. He just wanted to run, pull his hand away from Chilchuck’s and be anywhere but here.
“...Laios.” Chilchuck finally spoke. So soft and gentle, and Laios couldn’t breathe. It was just like that night back in the dryad grove, where his soul was pulled open and those clever hands had reached in.
“Ya’know right after Lily and I got married, I was barely 14, my father died. I found him cold and stiff. He had choked on his own vomit. For as long as I could remember dad drank. He was an angry drunk and some days were worse than others. I always bore the brunt to protect my siblings. When I became a parent I swore I would never be what he was and that also meant drinking. I did an okay job for a while but then I started working in dungeons with bad contracts and no protection. I started drinking just to get through the day and the next job. It spirals quickly…so I get it.” Chilchuck finished quietly, then gently squeezed Laios’ hand. “Please Laios I mean it, say so sooner. Don’t hold this all to yourself.”
All the air left his lungs in a rush.
“Okay.”
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The trolley showed no signs of stopping anytime soon and everyone had agreed to take advantage of the opportunity and get some rest. Senshi had fallen asleep sitting upright and Marcille and Izutsumi were both sleeping curled up against each other.
Laios and Chilchuck had claimed the top row of the cart and were softly talking.
“Deserted huh?” Chilchuck said softly. “That kinda surprised me not gonna lie. I didn’t even know you were in the military.”
“You never asked.” Laios mumbled.
Chilchuck let out a small snort. “Fair point.”
“It was a long time ago.” Laios grimaced and looked away sharply. He didn’t want to talk about it anymore. It wasn’t like he was intentionally hiding his past, but there was a reason he didn’t bring it up often.
Chilchuck cocked his head, raising an eyebrow. “Okay. I was gonna tease you about how cute I’m sure you looked in your uniform, but we don’t have to talk about it.”
It was scary how easily he could read his mind. “Thanks Chil.”
“No problem.” Chilchuck gently rapped his knuckles lightly against Laios’ armor. “Unlike some people you don’t pester me about my life.” The halfoot shot a playful glare over at Marcille who absently snored in response.
It was so easy to smile when he was around Chilchuck. Maybe someday he would be willing to talk about it but right now it wasn’t important. Laios reached out and tentatively grabbed Chilchuck’s hand.
Chilchuck smiled at him and it made that warm feeling in his heart swell. Gods he loved seeing it. The older man pushed himself up and planted a gentle kiss sweetly on his lips. Laios placed his hand on Chilchuck’s back pulling the man into his chest. Chilchuck put his hand against Laios’ chestplate and pushed back.
“As much as I want to Laios, your armor isn’t exactly conducive for cuddling and besides it’s not like we have a lot of privacy.” Chilchuck said softly, running his fingers delicately across Laios’ jaw. “How about when we make camp for the night we find a little spot.”
Laios had to suppress the moan that threatened to escape him.
“Okay.”
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Laios had walked Chilchuck back to his room. As much as Laios didn’t want it, it was probably for the best that the two of them got some space from each other for the rest of the night.
The air felt clearer between them and the awful dread that had circled them like a vulture, was gone.
Chilchuck gave Laios a small smile. “I’m glad we talked Laios.”
“Me too Chil.”
Neither man said anything for a long moment, not sure what to say to each other now.
Laios cleared his throat nervously. “Would you still like to join me tomorrow? Maybe we can start over.”
“I’d like that Laios.”