Chapter Text
Since Gaius had nothing more to share with them and it was clear he wanted to be alone, the two headed to the tower Leon had suggested earlier. Merlin suspected it hadn’t been used in ages and would be in a similar state as Arthur’s antechamber before the incident with Morgana. It would be his job to clean it anyway.
On their way the prince was awfully quiet, the raven wanted to take his hand or ask what he thought but the hallways were the wrong place for that so he had to wait.
Once they reached their destination Arthur made his way to the window and stared out onto the fields and meadows beyond the city. The tense line of his shoulders gave away that he wasn’t just admiring the view. Just like in Gaius chambers the magic slowly crept in the direction of the prince, Merlin felt the way it concentrated on Arthur’s shoulders, it almost purred like a cat when the blond relaxed the tiniest fraction.
“Thank you.” He whispered, his voice still too sharp but Merlin knew the edge was not directed at him.
Instead he felt something in his chest contract, before their relationship Arthur had always been extra rude and insulting when something was bothering him. Of course that was just because he wanted to push him away, rather suffering in silence than showing vulnerability. That was why Merlin was now reluctant to comfort him physically. It was cowardly of him but he felt like it would hurt more now that they shared their feelings, should the prince fall into his usual pattern. The thanks however showed that Arthur wanted it, he had just not been able to voice it.
“It doesn’t bother you?” It came out more insecure than Merlin wanted to admit but he needed confirmation. His eyes flickered between his hands and the back of Arthur’s head, who at the question started to turn and looked at Merlin in surprise.
“No, of course it doesn’t.” He probably thought the warlock was still worried if he was comfortable with his gift.
“I just mean, I know you don’t like being…I mean when you’re upset or mad you don’t... I don’t...” he huffed in frustration of his own disability to put his predicament in words, but the prince waited patiently. “You usually prefer to be alone.” As he said it he waved his hand awkwardly between them and he swore he hadn’t been so horrendously bad at talking about feelings before Camelot. Arthur must have rubbed off on him.
The man in question winced and his expression disagreed with the assessment strongly..
“I don’t. Well, I do. But only because I don’t know how to you know…”
“How to ask for it?” It was a guess but he wanted to keep Arthur talking.
“No, yes that too. I shouldn’t burden others with my problems, I should be capable of handling stuff myself.”
“You wouldn't deny me being comforted, what makes you think you’re different?”
“You’re you. I would worry anyway and helping you is never a burden, I’m happy if I can do anything that would cheer you up or if you trust me enough to just be there.”
“What makes you think it’s different for me?”
“Because I’m not normal! I don’t know how to do that.” He almost said nobody had ever held him when he had cried, but that sounded pathetic and overdramatic. Even if he didn’t remember it, surely a nursemaid must have comforted him as a toddler. With his gaze fixed on his hands he continued: “It’s too much, you saw yesterday and that wasn’t the worst part. I can’t breathe and everything hurts and I don’t even know how I would let someone see that. How I could let myself go to that place when somebody is there. I never do and it only makes it worse to fight it.” He rubbed over his chest like he wanted to calm his own heartbeat.
Merlin thought he understood now. It was the same thing that made him feel insecure over what he liked in bed. Or why he was such an asshole when they got to know each other. This was about control or rather losing it.
“Can I hold you now?” Merlin asked unsure of how Arthur would react but he obviously craved comfort as much as anyone and him acknowledging and verbalising it must count for something. Instead of giving him an answer Arthur moved towards him and all but collapsed into the warlock's arms.
Both let out a breath they hadn’t known they were holding.
One hand came up to the prince’s hair, cradling him so tenderly that made him hold on even tighter. His hands were fisted in the fabric of Merlin’s brown jacket. It felt strange not to hold back not only with his longing to be comforted but also with his strength, he knew Merlin could take it, as the arm around Arthur’s shoulders held on just as hard as he did.
“I got you, love.” The warlock whispered in his ear.
The prince’s face was buried in Merlin’s neck, the fabric of the neckerchief tingling his nose and the magic humming around them. For a second he wished he would have magic too, just to be able to reciprocate the soothing vibration around them, not unlike the purring of the cats when Arthur bent down to pet them while visiting his horse in the stable. To think his father had had love like this and traded it for more power, traded the one person that he swore to protect and love…It made him sick.
“He killed her. He killed my mother and blamed magic. He killed so many people. I’m his son, Merlin, I was so blind. I have been trained to kill from birth. He’s my father and we’re both killers.”
“You made the decisions you did, because you thought it was necessary to protect your people. Everything you do you do out of love. You’re nothing like him.”
“I keep imagining how happy she must have been.” His voice broke at the end, the picture Gaius had created in his head was all too vivid. The only painting he ever saw of his mother was when Morgana and him had explored the castle when they were younger. They had found some books and dresses along with a gorgeous portrait of the Queen. It had been years since then and as soon as they were found in that very chamber Uther had them sent to their rooms and next time Arthur went into it it was empty. He had never dared to ask the king about it.
Yet he had never forgotten the face of his mother. To picture it smiling, radiating with joy because she would be having a child, at the Yule festivities alongside the man who had already signed her death sentence - that Uther had spent months by her side pretending to be the loving husband all the while he had betrayed her in the worst way possible - was horrifying. The coldness, the cruelty, the way his father acted had never been the product of a broken heart or a mind half mad with grief. All that was just who he had always been.
The realization had cut through the fragile bond him and Uther shared. He didn't cry but the tears filled his eyes and made his throat tight but for once he didn’t push Merlin away, concentrating instead on the gentle movement of the warlock's fingers in his hair.
It was much later when the prince asked Merlin to call Morgana to the tower. The warlock had freed everything from a thick layer of dust and started the fire while Arthur had taken turns standing by the window and looking through the books on the shelf. As they only contained knowledge about herbs and healing he lost interest in the contents of those pretty quickly and had instead started to stack them.
At the request Merlin looked up from where he was currently sweeping the floors by hand. It helped him to think when he kept his hands busy.
“Will you tell her?”
Arthur met his gaze and nodded. “He’s her father, too. I’d rather tell her now than wait until dinner tonight where she would definitely notice and just pester me with questions afterwards.” Then he grimaced. “Guinevere will probably be with her but I suppose she would just tell her as soon as she knew anyway but the knight’s don’t need to know for now.”
“She’s on her way.” The broom in his hand however didn’t continue sweeping as Merlin only frowned at it.
“I would love to say the broom won’t do the work alone no matter how long you frown at it but it probably would if you wanted it to. So what is it?” For the first time since they had left Gaius chambers he actually smirked, which only made it harder for the warlock to tell him.
“I’ve been thinking about the unrest in Essetir, my mother is still in Ealdor and alone. It’s too dangerous for her to come here by herself with all the bandits. I have to go and get her.”
“Of course, I should have thought of that sooner. When are we leaving?” Arthur straightened, grateful to have something other than Uther to think about.
“We?”
“Yes, we.” He looked up from the various books stacked in neat piles. The system by which they were sorted into these stacks remained a mystery to the servant. “Merlin, you can’t seriously think I would let you go alone now, can you?”
He pursed his lips. Yes, he had thought exactly that.
“Not that I wouldn’t love for you to come but you know… what about Camelot? We still don’t know what Drakespire’s intentions are and Morgause and the rumours it would cause when the prince would head out to rescue his manservant’s mother and the fact that we are headed for another kingdom that would love to see you dead and -”
“Merlin.” He interrupted him easily. “I am not the only person here in Camelot. I have a very competent sister and I would only take two knights. For the rumours we can simply claim to head out to investigate some alleged unrest from the border and claim she was already on her way so we made sure she was safe. We stay off the roads and sleep in the forest.”
“Two knights as well?”
“We are investigating an unrest. I have to take knights. Do keep up, Merlin.”
“What if Drakespire is in contact with Morgause and tells her we are in the area?”
“Ah good point.” He thought about it for a second. “We’d have to make a slight detour but what about a supposed bandit camp in Denaria then?”
It was clear that the prince wouldn’t let him go alone and maybe it was for the best if Arthur didn’t have to see Uther for a few days. He was happy to have Arthur with him, he would only excessively worry if he stayed here but on the other hand had he hoped to have some time to explain everything to his mother before she was confronted with the prince or the knights who now all knew about his magic.
The door opened just as Arthur asked: “We leave tomorrow then?”
“Leave? Where are you going?” Morgana stepped into the room with a curious look. Gwen behind her looked interested too.
“Ealdor, getting Merlin’s mother out before the situation escalates.”
“Hunith will be coming? I’m glad, the lands near the border are getting more and more dangerous.” Then she grinned in the way that not long ago was reserved to Gwen and Arthur but was now directed at Merlin. “Back when we stayed with her I failed to use the full potential of getting embarrassing stories about Merlin. I won’t make that mistake twice.”
Arthur and Guinevere smiled while Merlin groaned.
“We will leave tomorrow. We will take two knights with us, officially we are investigating a bandit camp in Denaria. I trust you will have an eye on our guests in the meantime.”
“Who’s accompanying you?”
“I thought Leon and Lancelot?”
“Oh someone’s trying to impress. Why not take Gwaine?” Morgana questioned with a smile but to everyone’s surprise Merlin protested.
“No! Arthur please, we really can’t bring Gwaine.” Everyone looked at Merlin. “We have to tell my mother about us and after how well you handled telling Gaius I really think there will be enough embarrassment without a knight joking about our sexlife the entire time.”
Arthur’s face turned as red as the knight's cloaks as he started to sputter, but Merlin just rambled on: “Leon and Lance are also perfect for telling her you all know about my magic, I mean she already knows that Lancelot is aware and Leon is the most reliable, responsible person I’ve ever come across. Apart from that they both have those confused puppy eyes, nobody could be mad at them.”
Morgana looked intrigued. “What happened when you told Gaius?”
At the same time Gwen asked: “Confused puppy eyes?”
“NO! We’ll take Leon if you’ll never breathe a word about that conversation to her.”
“Agreed.”
“Also Guinevere had a point there: Confused puppy eyes??”
“Don’t act like you don’t know what I mean, they are adorable.”
“
Adorable?!
They’re my knights! Grown man with sharp swords!”
“And? Look at you, you're adorable too.” Merlin half expected a smack but Arthur was back to sputtering.
His sister however rolled her eyes at the two men. She almost wished she could go with them, some time outside Camelot’s walls sounded like music in her ears but she knew one of them had to stay. Her only hope was that Merlin would later tell her about her brother’s awkwardness.
“Is that why you called us here?”
At once the prince sobered, the smile on his lips fell as his brow furrowed.
“No, I need to talk to you.”
Should I take Gwen and tell Leon and Lance about tomorrow? Asked the warlock’s voice in Arthur’s head. Or do you want me to stay?
“No, find Leon and tell him about tomorrow. George should see that the horses are ready at first light.” And after an uncertain look from Merlin he added: “I’m okay.”
Leaning the broom against the wall, the raven went over to where Arthur was currently seated at the table and pressed a chaste kiss on his temple before turning to Gwen.
“Please come and help me with George?” He made puppy eyes at the maid and while she looked sceptical at the prince she nodded.
Together they left the quiet part of the castle in their search for George. The silence didn’t last long before Gwen addressed her friend.
“Are you going to tell me what that was about?” As soon as the door had fallen into the lock Merlin’s whole posture had gone from concerned but seemingly relaxed to barely contained anger.
“Uther.” The name was spat out like poison. “I cannot tell you here, do you mind when I talk telepathically?”
So far Merlin had only communicated like this with Morgana and Arthur but he couldn’t risk somebody overhearing this conversation.
“No, as long as you can’t read my thoughts that’s fine.” He teased her enough about Morgana without him being able to see that she barely thought about anything else.
Merlin snorted.
I promise I can’t. I know they’re mainly about Morgana anyway.
She only glared at him for that.
We went to Gaius. He told us what really happened to Arthur’s mother. What started the Purge. It’s a long story I’m sure Morgana will give you the details later but apparently Ygraine couldn’t get pregnant, which obviously was far from ideal for Uther, as his reign was still new and the lack of an heir gave his critics an argument against him. Nimueh was Court Sorceress at the time. At some point the king found a book about the Cup of Life.
“The what?”
It’s a magical artefact, traditionally it had been in the possession of the High Priestesses.
Some servants passed them with food trays.
“Damn we missed lunch, George is probably busy serving the Lord. Better we go find the knights first.” The warlock said out loud. They turned around, heading towards the knight quarters instead.
Anyway the cup has multiple purposes, it can heal someone who’s wounded or it can create life. For that a price has to be paid. For creating a life a life must be given. Uther has traded his wife knowingly for an heir, so when Arthur was born, Ygraine passed away. Then he blamed magic for his crime and started his war against it.
A hand gripped his arm pulling him into a stop. “What?! He did it knowing that it-” Gwen looked around to confirm nobody was close enough to overhear yet she whispered anyway. “That it would cost the Queen’s life??”
He did it knowing that only him, Nimueh and Ygraine were in the room. He was protected by a magical shield and Nimueh wielded the magic so it was relatively clear whose life would be taken.
The maid couldn't keep the horrified expression from her face. Her hands held onto the fabric of her purple dress tightly.
“How did Arthur handle it?” Now they were moving again, they were almost there.
As well as can be expected I think. He wanted to kill Uther. You didn’t see him but I think he won’t be able to forgive this. Gaius made him promise not to do anything to further destabilise the kingdom but I fear it’s only a question of time.
As they turned the corner, the hallway was filled with the familiar rattle of chainmail and men’s laughter.
Across from Gwaine's room was Leon’s. As the first knight his were larger than the rest of the chambers on this floor. Gwen was still processing what she just learned as Merlin knocked on the door.
A moment later Leon opened it, behind him at the table along with empty plates sat Lancelot.
“Merlin, Guinevere?”
“Perfect, I was looking for both of you actually.” The anger from his conversation with Gwen must have bled into his tone, as the knights stilled.
“Has something happened?” Leon was immediately grabbing his sword. The servant shook his head and pulled Gwen into the room before closing the door. Gwen would have never dared to enter one
of the knight’s chambers without clear invitation but Merlin had no such reservations.
“No, no. Arthur wanted me to tell you we are leaving tomorrow morning for, well officially it’s an investigation of a bandit camp in Denaria.”
“And what is it really?”
“We’re going to Ealdor, I wanted to leave alone. You know with all the talk about war I want to bring my mom to Camelot, to make sure she’s safe. Arthur insisted on making a whole mission out of it.” But this time the knights nodded seriously.
“He’s right, it's dangerous on the roads these days, Merlin.” Lancelot noted.
“Are the rest of the knights already informed?” Leon asked.
“They will stay here. It’s just the four of us.”
After that they found George and headed back to the tower with a tray of snacks that would sustain them until dinner.
“So are you going to tell me what’s going on with you and Morgana or should I guess?” The grin forming on Merlin’s face showed his charming dimples.
The maid sighed but couldn’t help smiling. “Honestly, I’m not sure. Lately something has changed but we haven’t spoken about it. Sometimes I think she might feel the same but then she’s back to normal and I don’t know what to make of it. I don’t want to press either, she’s my friend and I don’t want to lose her in case she doesn’t feel the same. And then there is also her…” she glanced around again. “Her gift. There is enough on her mind without me adding to that.”
He knew exactly what she meant, but it was clear as day how smitten the princess was with Gwen.
“Believe me, Morgana feels the same, it’s not her fault she belongs to the most emotionally constipated family in all of Albion. She’ll come around, I’m sure. It would probably help if there wasn’t some kind of crisis every two days.”
“Yes, that would probably help, too.” Having a murderous father, a psychopathic sister and a gift that could have her burnt was actually a decent excuse not to confront one’s emotions.
“How do you think your mother will react?” Gwen changed the subject.
The warlock’s soft expression transformed into a worried frown. “To Arthur and me? I have no idea, I guess she knows about my feelings for him but it was clear that I wouldn’t act on them as long as I had to keep my magic secret. That wouldn’t have been fair. I’m more scared of what she’ll say to my magic being revealed. Last time somebody found out she sent me away, in a kingdom where death was the punishment no less. I know she meant well and that she wanted to keep me safe and at the time Gaius was the only one who was able to help me but is it really so unlikely that my friends know me, all of me and still love me? She and Gaius always told me magic is not inherently bad and it doesn’t make me a monster yet they treat it like it would be better locked up in some dungeon.” A long sigh passed into the empty hallway before them. “I know my relationship with Arthur puts me in a risky position. But I love him and I've never been so happy, Gwen. I just want her to be happy for me too.” Merlin was aware that his mother had risked so much for him and that raising a child alone, a bastard, was difficult enough without the child having immense magical abilities reacting to his emotions. And in Ealdor while most appreciated her skills and abilities as a healer there were some people in the village who made sure to let nobody forget she wasn’t one of them. He knew it must have been hard and lonely.
Gwen patted his shoulder. “I haven’t had the chance to really get to know her yet, but I could see that she adores you immensely. Once she witnesses how you practically glow when Arthur smiles at you she has no other option than to be happy for you.” Then she giggled. “And you know Arthur can be quite charming if he wants to.”
Morgana had reacted to the news like expected, she had been furious, so furious in fact that she had started to cry and her magic had started to act up. It had knocked over an empty vase and swept the books Arthur had put into multiple stacks on the table right over. When she noticed how Arthur was getting more quiet and started to draw back, she forced herself to calm down. The years spent being screamed at by their father had only resulted in the prince shutting down when he was directly confronted with anger.
He masked it pretty well in council or when the knight's tones were rougher when they spent the night in the tavern. If he himself had realised that, she didn’t know but it was one of the first things she had learned about him.
In the meantime her brother wondered if it had been a mistake to tell her. The princess had always been vocal when she felt something was wrong. He had always admired her, to be able to speak out for herself but sometimes he wished she would leave things alone. Not everything needed to be an argument when it was clear Uther would always be the winner. This time though he agreed that there had to be consequences. With her magic and Merlin, their relationship and now the truth about his mother’s fate there was just no way to let Uther keep his power. It was too dangerous and now knowing what he had done, knowing the full scope of his brutality and recklessness they would have blood on their hands as well if they kept quiet. Especially Arthur as he didn’t have to fear for his own life. However to achieve their goal they had to be strategic. If they acted on their emotions now they would pay a price for that.
Or rather their citizens who needed the protection right now would pay the price. He wasn’t sure if his sister could refrain from confronting Uther while he was out with Merlin.
“We have to wait until after we defeat Morgause. He will not give up the throne willingly, Morgana.”
“No, he won’t. What do you propose then? We kill him?” Her voice was tired now. Exhausted as if the weight of Uther’s actions would physically pull her down and she had to fight to stay upright.
“I might have to. What other option is there? If I’m overlooking anything please do tell me but the way I see it he is a liability on the throne. I don’t wanna wait until he finds out about your magic or Merlin’s. It’s my responsibility to keep you two safe, as much as it is my responsibility to keep innocent people in our kingdom safe. I will not sit next to him witnessing his crimes disguised as heroic deeds when I know the truth.”
The princess reached for his hand and squeezed it. “I know, but you’re not alone. We will think of something when you’re back.”